Electric Eel Diary #29

(transcribed from video log)

Diary number twenty-nine without accidentally slipping on my own slime and killing myself during a mission. Good work everybody. Add another tally to the board. Eventually I will at least slip; it’s inevitable. I just hope that when I do I slide into a bad guy and knock him over so I can claim it was intentional.

I do have a big thing to talk about today. Most of you have probably seen Alpha Dog’s unboxing video, but I’m going to tell you about the parts that got edited out. I know he would rather I didn’t, but once I talked to everybody else about it I was sure I had to say something here.

It all started yesterday when Truck delivered a box the size of a phone booth to the Barn. Alpha Dog had him wheel it right through the kitchen and into his workshop. Something that huge passing through the building couldn’t help but snag a couple curious pairs of eyes, mine included. Before Truck even had it off the dolly there were four of us in the room staring at it: Paladina, Act-of-Goddess, Transplant, and me.

The box was made of pleated metal and most of its corners and edges were orange with rust. It had a ton of ‘do not touch’ and ‘fragile’ stickers all over it along with some yellow hazard ones for good measure. None of us had any idea what he’d gone and bought, just that it was really expensive.

“Are you guys going to be in the unboxing video?” Alpha Dog asked when he walked in. Paladina and Act-of-Goddess got up to leave, but Alpha Dog urged them to sit back down. “It’ll make it look better if you guys stay. Try to look excited.” They returned to their places leaning against a work bench while Alpha Dog positioned a webcam in front of the box for the recording. He told me to scoot towards Transplant so we would both be in the shot. Then he told us to be quiet. We watched patiently while he cleared his throat, paced back and forth, and mumbled something he’d rehearsed to himself. He exhaled slowly, put his hands behind his back, and started talking to the camera.

“Hey backers how’s it going? Alpha Dog here with a few of the other Backers who have joined me for this epic unboxing. Before we get into it though I need to give you guys a quick history lesson on the unusual treasure stored inside this box.” He banged on its side twice.

“You’ve probably never heard of an eccentric scientist who went by the name of Daye Janus. He’s been a worm potluck since the mid-eighties, but I’ve never forgotten about his work; it inspired me when I was young. Janus was a famously secretive computer engineer who was often seen to have incredible gadgets on his person that did things most other scientists would say were decades away.” Alpha Dog held up a grainy picture of a white guy in a cream suit with glasses that had frames like dominoes.

“He made millions during his career by drip feeding some of his knowledge to major corporations, but he kept all the good stuff to himself. It’s been locked up in his estate since he passed away. Until now that is. A secretive auction went down a while ago and I was privy to its existence. That’s what you get when you read three biographies about a guy and search his name on the internet every day for fifteen years.” He whistled and one of his dogs walked up; I always forget their names. The dog sparked a torch in its mouth and started slowly cutting the box open.

“There was only one rumored item in the lot that I could justify purchasing with Backer funds. There was always talk that in 1976, one year before Star Wars filled the public’s mind with bleeping and screeching droids, Janus created a true android. A machine that could walk, talk, and even fight on its own. Some of the notes found in his desk after his death referenced the project as the ‘tin soldier’. I purchased the soldier. At least I think I did. Nobody has laid eyes on him in thirty-five years. You’re about to join me in introducing the soldier to the twenty-first century!”

He grabbed a torch from his workbench and helped the dog finish the job from the other side. He ripped the metal panel off the front of the box and a bunch of sawdust came pouring out. A cloud of it went into the air and we all started coughing.

“I’ll… ack… I’ll cut this part out,” Alpha Dog sputtered while we waited for the dust to clear. He wiped the laptop down with a cloth to get some of the dust off it. While he was preparing to turn the recording back on I took a second to walk in front of the box and get a good look at the supposed soldier.

I was expecting the Terminator; I wasn’t even close. The thing was only about five foot six. Its eyes were big, round, and amber-colored. Its mouth was a jutting steel rectangle that looked like a harmonica. It wore a dark hat that looked a lot like a pirate’s. The strangest thing is that it was wearing a uniform that looked very similar to a revolutionary war get-up: long blue coat with white sashes across the chest, red-tipped sleeves, and yellow pants with knee-high white socks. It even had buckled shoes.

“This thing looks like some kind of museum animatronic,” I said. Transplant and the girls crowded around my sides to get a look at it too while Alpha Dog popped the back panel of the box off. More sawdust poured out but Act-of-Goddess brought in a breeze that pushed all of it down to the floor. Another dog showed up to start vacuuming all the packing material but Alpha Dog told it to scram.

“I’ve got to finish the video,” he said. “Everybody get back in your spots. Look excited. I want to see bright happy faces even if this thing just turns out full of gumballs.” We did as we were told. He wiped the sawdust off his costume and turned the camera back on so you guys could see the robot. With both sides of the box pulled away it looked like it was standing in an airport metal detector, rigidly waiting for its pat down. I was sitting behind it and I noticed it had a rifle mounted on its back. Next to the rifle, in the center of its back, I saw a metal semicircle that looked like a clock key; it turns out that’s what it was.

“It seems the rumors were true,” he started. “No, I shouldn’t say that. It has to be more dramatic than a rumor. Got to cut that part too. It seems the legends were true. This is Daye’s tin soldier. Time for a test run.” He moved behind the robot and turned the key a little. It clicked once. He waited before releasing it. “My research indicates the soldier is powered by an efficient kinetic turbine. Turning the key around twice should power him for about six hours. One click should be just a few seconds.”

“Wait!” Paladina said. “That thing has a gun! You don’t know what it’s going to do.”

“I highly doubt it’ll default to attacking me,” Alpha Dog scoffed. “Besides, I had all his ammunition shipped separately. Even if he tries he can’t fire that thing.” Alpha Dog released the key and stepped back before anyone else could object.

Something inside the soldier started clicking. Its joints loosened and let off some more sawdust. I heard another sound like a projector warming up. The machine marched forward out of the box, turned ninety degrees, and turned again to face Alpha Dog. It paid no attention to the rest of us or the sawdust it was kicking out of the way like snow. It saluted him. I could see now that its eyes were lit up. They were surprisingly warm, like there was an old oil lantern inside its head or something.

“Tin soldier number zero-zero-one reporting for duty,” it said through its harmonica-mouth. Its voice was somewhere between an air raid siren, a kazoo, and a coughing carburetor.

“Cool,” Alpha Dog whispered. He tugged at its jacket and wiped some dust away. “Uhh… Welcome to the Backer Barn. I am your new owner Eben Erenthall, but you can call me Alpha Dog.”

“Alpha Dog,” the robot repeated. It was quiet for a moment. We all were. “How goes the war?” it asked.

“What… what war would that be?” Alpha Dog asked it.

“The war for independence from tyranny,” it answered.

“Do you mean the revolutionary war? I thought you’d know the answer to that one. You were built on the bicentennial of our victory.”

“May I ask what the year is?”

“It’s 2015. You were created in 1976.”

“I am likely obsolete by now,” it said. For a second I thought I detected some sadness. It could’ve just been a sigh of sawdust from one of its exhaust ports.

“Oh there’s still nothing like you my friend. Trust that you are still one of a kind. What does your current programming tell you?”

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

“I am a soldier Alpha Dog sir. It is my duty to protect my owner as well as the American people at large. I am to defend their rights and die in battle if it is necessary to prevent injustice.”

“That’s all I need to hear! Wooh!” Alpha Dog hollered and pumped his fist in the air. “I was right on the money. Thank the stars he turned out to be real. What a rush! I bought a superhero! Let me introduce you to your new teammates.” He touched the robot on the shoulder and turned it towards us. I didn’t really know what to do so I just put my hand up and waved hello. I should know by now that just keeping my mouth shut isn’t good enough.

The robot grabbed the rifle off its back and pointed it square at my heart. It pulled the trigger. Click. Even though Alpha Dog had said there was no ammo, I felt like I’d been shot anyway. There was this moment where I was certain I felt a burning spear go right through me. I can’t believe it was just fear; it was worse than any wound I’ve ever actually gotten. I’d take a hundred root canals over that.

When the soldier realized he couldn’t shoot me he reached into his jacket and pulled out a blade. He snapped it onto the end of the rifle as a bayonet and rushed towards me. I freaked out and rolled backwards onto the table I was leaning on. The blade came in so fast that it would’ve turned me into a shish kebab if Paladina wasn’t right there with her katana. She forced the bayonet down and into the table. A huge curl of wood formed as the blade lodged itself in place. I kicked the robot in the head and knocked it back.

“Soldier stop! I order you to stop!” Alpha Dog said futilely. He fumbled with the buttons on his gauntlet, trying to call his nearest dogs. The robot grabbed Paladina’s wrist and wrenched it in a circle so her sword flew across the room. Then he pushed her aside and came for me again. Act-of-Goddess rose into the air, blowing the sawdust she’d been controlling everywhere, and fired an icicle the size of a traffic cone at the machine. The ice spear broke against him and only made him stumble for a second. “Don’t destroy it! Just knock it over!” Alpha Dog was yelling. It sure was nice to hear how concerned he was for my wellbeing.

The machine wrenched its bayonet free from the table and came at me again. It swung the blade over its head like an axe and like I was the wood on the chopping block. Almost on instinct I clapped my hands together and squeezed out the thickest rope of pale green slime I could muster. I know it’s gross, but don’t knock it. It saved my life. I pulled my hands apart and the blade came down. It cut through three quarters of the slime and then stuck in place.

The tin soldier clicked. The amber of its eyes, which now looks more like a raging inferno to me, went out like a pilot light. That was the last of the energy Alpha Dog had given it. If he had turned that key another inch I might be dead. Paladina pulled it away from me and tossed its lifeless body into the sawdust. She had her axe so she was roaring like a Viking. She was about to bash it into scrap when Alpha Dog threw himself in front of her. Four of his dogs rushed in and grabbed each of the soldier’s limbs in their jaws.

“Woah woah woah!” our leader said. “If you destroy Tin Soldier I’m going to fire you.”

“What good is that golem to us?” Act-of-Goddess spat. She was still hovering off the ground and tossing dust everywhere like a helicopter.

“Calm your righteous fury for a second,” Alpha Dog said. “I don’t need you to smite anybody. This thing is a big investment for us. I’m sorry I missed the bayonet, but I think it’s just confused. It did say there was a war going on. You guys get out of here and I’ll get it sorted out. The dogs won’t let it go until I’m one hundred and eighty million percent sure it’s safe.”

We haven’t seen the robot since, but Alpha Dog says its murderous few moments were just a glitch. It was in some kind of hyper-alert battle mode and was assuming everyone around it who wasn’t its owner was violent. He’s going to bring it out to train with us tomorrow. He wants us to call it he instead of it too. Once it demonstrates it can walk a straight line without tackling me, I’ll oblige. Until then it’s an it.

Question time. Show me what you’ve got.

Quesoholic12: Whatever happened to that Swagglerock loser who was harassing you guys? Did he just get bored or something?

I haven’t had any trouble with him. I think his efforts are more focused on the western team. I’m pretty sure our cybersecurity is the best in the world though, so he can’t really do much to them directly.

Orangewedgesmile: You’re slimy like a slug right? What happens if Salt Shaker accidentally hits u with a salty missile? Would u shrivel up and die? (If so please be super mega careful bcuz you’re my favorite.)

We haven’t really tested that particular theory but I’m not too worried about it. I can produce lots of slime but it’s not part of my flesh the way a slug’s seems to be. I’ll tell her not to spill any on me just in case okay? Thanks for saying I’m your favorite by the way! Maybe I can get Alpha Dog to send you a special shirt and I’ll sign it or something if you like. Just send your E-mail to our fan address if you’d like that.

I should be back tomorrow backers, if Tin Soldier doesn’t blow a gasket and chop me into unagi.

Secret Shuffle gets a New Rarity

(This is a widely reposted notice written by Deckard. Its original source could not be traced, but it is believed authentic.)

I’d like to add a new rarity to the game anyway. That depends on you, the players. If you want fatter tankier cards you need to go out and get the secrets yourself. You might be asking yourself who has juicier secrets than the governors and CEOs currently crowding the skull rank. The answer is simple: superheroes.

If you’re good enough at Secret Shuffle you can have a deck full of terrified perverts and miscreants doing your bidding so you don’t air their dirty laundry. Now imagine having a hero’s dirt in your deck. Suddenly your bidding could be the destruction of a building. Maybe your slag of an ex needs an uppercut that smashes her head into the ISS.

I want these cards to exist as badly as you do my friends. Someone has to dig up the dirt though. I’ve already worked up a graphic for the new rarity symbol; it’ll be a wishbone. I’ll pay handsomely for the ability to print it on the most exclusive set of cards yet.

I’ve heard the Justice Backers are considering our little game their next target. One thing they’re going to learn about me is that I strike first. Any of you what have lost to me in Secret Shuffle know that. I’m offering four hundred thousand US dollars for the secret identity of each Justice Backer, east or west. Other secrets will net you some cash, but I want unmasked faces most. Help me pin them down like bugs on a map. If we know who they are we know where they’re from. We know who their family members are. We open up a million little holes across their lives and go digging for some particularly foul-smelling shite.

Remember, Secret Shuffle is all in good fun. If you’re not good at having fun you don’t belong near it, you belong in it. You have to play. Nobody gets to sit this one out. You have to prove yourself smart enough to stay off the cards. If you can’t, well then you deserve to be played with. If you can’t win then the only thing you can do is lose. Become my product. Most of you out there would make such lousy cards I wouldn’t even use you as coasters.

I know the tournament scene is ramping up. I’ll be round for some of them. I can’t say which, on account the Justice Backers or the police are bound to show up at a couple of them. I will show my mug at some point. I’m not too worried about the Backers, because I’ve hired some super-powered lads of my own. It’s amazing what you can buy with secrets. If you’re in a tourney be on the lookout for my two bodyguards: Rot and Speedball.

Rot you’ll know by looking at him; he looks like a pile of pasta salad with some fish guts tossed in. I’d tell you how he got that way, but he likes to keep it a mystery. Whenever he wants he can cover the floor and walls with rotten fungal growth that can choke the life out of you. I don’t know why he insists on wearing proper nice suits all the time since he’s always staining them with that shite, but I guess he thinks he has style. If he sees you messing with me he’ll bury you in mold and decompose your body in an hour flat.

Speedball used to be in baseball before they tossed him out on his arse for drugs. I never got that particular American sport, just seems like a bunch of fags running around a square so they can slap each other’s bums. I hooked Speedball up with part of a military-grade exoskeleton. Now he can throw a ball through a concrete wall. I went ahead and equipped him with a backpack full of cannon shot, gas grenades, and bombs to toss to his wee heart’s content. I’ve seen him stop a man’s heart with one throw.

That’s it. Get out there and rip the bloody masks off the Backers. Get me some pictures of their pretty faces. Get me some names so I can flatten them out and run them through my fingers.

We’ve got three new sets coming out this month. Talk to your dealer about getting your hands on some. As usual some of the cards are going out of circulation this week because the dirt’s lost its potency. If you try to use the cards from now on, you’re disqualified. The legal cards are always on the compendium sites, so it’s your job to not fuck up your deck. As far as Secret Shuffle is concerned, these cards are just toilet paper now:

Melissa Brody (suicide)

Gary Ulle (fired)

Stellan Onslieg (fate unknown)

Senator Johnathan Shu (admitted guilt)

Stephanie Rawmark (fate unknown)

Barclay Ziegler (suicide)

Raphael Caruso (fired)

Nellie Kelly (fate unknown)

Karima Jackson (comatose)