A Brand New Goth Girl

[9]

Lily’s other roommates were out and none of us had any idea where they had gone. Considering the earlier exodus, they could be anywhere. I just hoped the myriad of panicked, transformed drivers didn’t result in anything dangerous.

Norah brought her own visual aids and used notes on her phone to make sure she didn’t forget anything. The key point she reiterated was to be hygienic. Handwashing before anything. Lily’s gaze reminded me of a remixed classic meme we saw in a video with a dog traumatized by being denied cupcakes. Watching Lily helped take some anxiety off of me. I could convince myself that I was just the camera person for these events.

Before diving deeper, Norah qualified that there were tons of birth-control options connected to moderating cycles. She recalled Beatrice saying that she had an IUD even though she still used tampons. It would've been real nice to borrow at least some of Beatrice‘s experience from time to time. Even though it didn’t exist.

Despite the expressed sentiment in Lily’s body language that she was drowning in the open ocean listening to these details, she meekly but clearly recited all the steps that Norah gave about tampons. Then, we moved to the bathroom.

Among the colorful, floral, and aesthetic alterations to the space, Lily locked her eyes on the packages of feminine products set to one side. The little pink torpedo with a plunger seemed so innocuous but intimidating. Norah gave the analogy that it was just like riding a bike.

“I don’t wanna ride this bike,” Lily quietly whimpered. Norah softly patted her on the head and it genuinely looked like Lily was going to cry, but she held it in for the moment. Norah demonstrated a squatting position but assured us that sitting on the toilet also worked fine.

The most daunting prospect for Lily was finding the right hole. Norah paused and narrowed her eyes when Lily nervously asked if she would still be able to pee with this.

“Wait… You do realize how many holes there are down there right?” Norah asked incredulously. Lily fumbled for words, clarifying that it was just a matter of which holes overlapped with what. I held my tongue since I wasn’t absolutely certain myself. Norah groaned and scrunched her eyes as she muttered, “Lousy sex ed.” She also expressed concern about how things would have gone with their relationship.

Returning to the lesson at hand, Norah grabbed a small, round mirror from the counter and encouraged Lily to take a look at herself. She hesitantly motioned to undress while Norah swiftly stripped. Standing rather like a crab, she showed off what she could. It was easy to spot the string.

My male mind flashed with a tempest of shock, fear, and uncertainty at seeing Norah so revealed. It was caught between the ingrained notion that it shouldn’t be looking, and the new emphasis that this was just a lesson meant for us. Lily eventually caught up with the brightest blush overwhelming her cheeks.

She had a trim little flare of dark hair between her legs compared to Nora‘s tiny flicker of red flame. I did my best to not pride myself too much on Beatrice’s hairlessness. The meager applicator trembled in Lily’s fingers as she bumped against her flesh. The actual process was strikingly simple, although getting her to position anywhere near where it was supposed to go was the hard part.

Despite the fact Lily grunted through her teeth as it went in, she admitted that it felt fine. She fussed with the string. Norah added that during a period the whole process of insertion and removal would be much easier. Lily squeaked when pulling it out and chucked it across the room into the can. Norah guided her over to the pads and pantyliners as it was my turn to give this a shot.

I internally evoked the spirit of Beatrice to guide me on my way. My efforts were tentative, but the shower experience helped me feel more gung-ho about taking care of this. Just basic human stuff. Care and maintenance of Beatrice.

It felt weird but the weirdness gradually abated as I followed the directions. The sensation toward my butt on an internal level was disconcerting, especially when it came time to remove my practice tampon. It felt vaguely like I was sticking to a sock turned inside out. Not painful, just vigorously disconcerting.

Lily appeared eager to use the stuff that didn’t have to go inside her. She also had several questions involving half-heard advertisements about drugs and implants which reduced periods to rare occasions. Norah relayed the benefits and downsides. She also reiterated that knowing how to take care of yourself was always important. Lily blanched upon realizing that, when it was time, she would only get a couple hours out of each tampon. I could see how it might become as commonplace as simply using the restroom.

Norah made sure that Lily was prepared when it came to normal toilet use as well with a few extra lessons. When all that was finally done, Lily quietly ambled out with her head down, looking like she just ran several miles. She demanded chocolate, not having gotten any for herself during my sweet snack excursion. Fortunately, Norah still had a little bit of her dark chocolate left.

Lily bit into it viciously and immediately whimpered. A shard of the chocolate cut into her gums and poked between her molars. Norah consoled her as she used the sink to wash her mouth with warm water. Carefully, delicately Lily softly chewed another little bit on the other side of her mouth. She smiled briefly and swallowed as her nostrils flared at the chocolate scent. But the damage had already been done.

The last few minutes were clearly a strain as little trembles in her legs made their way up through her body and tears flooded her eyes.

“I’m gonna be a girl forever. I can’t do this… It’s too much…” I felt a pang of guilt for my earlier push of transformational certainty. Despite the certain message from my benefactor, I had no idea as to the actual permanency of the flashlight and what other methods were used. I could see no alternatives but that didn’t preclude a time limit. It felt desperately remote, but I wanted to give her some hope. So, I phrased this flimsy speculation in the most charitable terms possible.

That was enough for her to mount some iteration of optimism that all this might be reversed, the daunting complications removed, and normalcy reassert itself. She dried her eyes and grumbled nasally with embarrassment about crying. The topic soon shifted to which barbers she could go to who didn’t charge by the inch. Norah playfully mourned the loss, adjusting some of the longer braids.

Lily’s room looked cute. It had a soccer aesthetic, which she relayed was unchanged. The stylized photograph collage set into a heart shape was apparently new, along with the dangling paper flowers behind her desk, the huge pile of lacy pillows, and the colorful strings of lights that everyone seemed to have. Her small collection of stuffed bears was something Luke had before but it had been relegated to the depths of his closet.

I sensed that the two of them wanted some privacy, so I expressed my gratitude, gave some hugs, and made my way back to 212. It was getting late into the afternoon. If classes weren’t canceled, then the last couple of them would be getting out soon. Hopefully, meals in the main cafeteria were uninterrupted. Although, considering what the other girls in my dorm could make, it might be worth it to just stay in.

The central common area downstairs almost seemed like it was back to normal. A few girls wandered slowly, as though lost, while others swiftly went about their way. I saw some activity towards the residence assistance offices. The school administration was likely to get involved eventually. Since it was a private and vaguely religious college, who knew what their policy would be about what verged into an act of God (or Goddess) transforming so many people. I couldn’t be guaranteed an unexpected day off. I still had the artistic project at the root of my fateful wanderings.

Mounting the steps this time didn’t bring me anything unexpected. Beatrice jiggled and shifted and moved like a body I still needed to learn the quirks of. I hugged the wall when someone frantically scampered down the hall. Back in the dorm, it looked like supper or something similar was very much on the minds of Kasey and Rhea. Kasey changed into an oversized jean jacket and an even longer pink skirt than earlier. Rhea had her extremely long braid wound up around her head.

Rhea gestured towards the refrigerator. “I would totally be fine with the remaining garlic olives.” Kasey rubbed her eyes after they both greeted me and responded to Rhea, “You gotta at least have an apple. And you can have as many or as few apples as you want at the cafeteria for supper.“

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

I soon gathered that Rhea preferred snacking over meals but the problem was she never went to the cafeteria to use up her meal slots because of weird hours remembering to eat. So, she wound up picking out a lot of random stuff in the fridge, like garlic olives. She was also starting a three-day fast, which Kasey wasn’t particularly happy with either. I didn’t want to intrude upon their friendly and vigorous back-and-forth, I just mildly encouraged Rhea to have healthy things to eat rather than the snack I provided earlier and whatever leftovers. Kasey had some of the fried rice that I enjoyed earlier. Rhea seemed apathetic about these options.

Before I could offer anything else, my phone rang. It was the church. Rushing down the hall, I quickly answered the call in the relative privacy of the sink area. A cheerful, friendly lady answered. She was following up on my message about donations and resources and wanted to know specifics. I was at a loss for clever and succinct ways to express what I could offer, so I just told her that I wanted to donate my time and effort. She expressed that there would shortly be a small meeting of a local chapter, so I was welcome to join in. Furthermore, she urged that if I had any clothes, books, or foods I was willing to donate, then that would be very much appreciated.

Beatrice could probably stand to lose some clothes from her packed closet, but I wasn’t ready to commit to digging through it for donations quite yet. I thanked her for the callback and did my best to take down the information for where trans resources people at the church would be meeting and the time in a side app.

I figured the vine top and skirt with the crosses from earlier would be appropriate wear. Rhea and Kasey came to an agreement about supper in the cafeteria, and I eagerly joined them. Venturing out to the other side of campus felt daunting. Kasey texted Norah about the plans and asked whether she wanted to meet up. Promptly, we got a reply that she and Lily would be going later. The others hadn’t heard about the discovered new name for Luke, so that brought some amusement and glee.

Heading out of the dorm with Kasey and Rhea shouldn’t have been that strange. I already made my own trek during a more active moment of chaos. But it was different sharing the surreal setting with others. And I felt partially responsible for the fallout. Not that I had done anything, but tucked away in my meager skirt pocket was a tool that could do so much.

The common area was once again quiet except for a girl with long black hair, slightly shorter than me, fumbling frantically with the door to the gender-neutral bathroom. I appreciated her black ensemble with ornate filigree around the skirt. Stopping to help, her problem was as simple as pulling instead of pushing. She looked rightly embarrassed over her mistake and had trouble meeting my eyes. Her little note of thanks was so adorable as she hustled into the bathroom.

Everything appeared eerily calm through the normal front entrance. Majestic trees dwarfed the random houses rented to students. The small hall almost towards the street had some name I couldn’t remember but now it was called Lora Hall. The old stadium appeared quiet, and I didn’t see anyone hanging around the weightlifting area across from the chapel. It was rather eerie, but we had the entire area to ourselves. At least fog hadn’t settled, as it often did from the ocean overnight.

Kasey and Rhea had a lot to say as we walked. They pondered about the girl we ran into. They considered the absence of the residence hall assistants. Rhea reflected on someone she knew who lived in Lora. Kasey fretted about Drake. He had taken a gap year to work at a local bookstore. She hadn’t heard back from him yet despite sending several texts.

The student union building, recently remodeled, was on the left next to the drama and theater complex. I learned in passing that Rhea was a theater student with a focus on behind-the-scenes elements. Kasey’s focus was on computer science with 3-D modeling. This area should have been bustling and brimming with students around this time either finishing up their classes, decompressing from the day, or just flooding the area ahead in anticipation of dinner. Those girls we did see had a certain mood about them with faint trepidation but nothing as frantic and confused as I was expecting. No clear way to tell, but it seemed most of the girls we encountered had likely been girls before today. I didn’t stand out as a newbie though.

Random girls wandered with flyers while others had carts. An older lady offered free tickets to a local, test screening of a horror movie. A random, innocuous boy actually crossed our path. He looked wildly uncomfortable, and I did my best not to stare. Assuming he hadn’t slipped through the cracks of my benefactor’s plans, he had to be from off-campus. I easily could’ve shined a light on him but then I would’ve had to adjust the settings to make sure no one around witnessed it. If I was alone, the temptation would’ve been higher. But considering Kasey and Rhea and all the uncertainties, I let this one go.

The humanities and sciences classrooms rose high on the right. My dad, when we first toured this university, was especially skittish about parking. He pulled to the curb, freaking out about a man hanging around the bushes. He didn’t want to get a parking ticket. I calmly assured him that the guy was just a gardener. That was actually one of my favorite moments with my dad because it was just us. We chatted cordially the whole ride, had plenty of things to joke about, and he told old stories of his time in Altadena and Caltech. It all went back to normal when we returned home, but I treasured my memories.

The weird humanoid statue at the center of campus had altered into something more like a female fertility statue than an overweight version of Gumby. Neither of my roommates liked it but they did have a clear and undeniable awareness that there should’ve been something else instead. The mental qualities of what happened to and around me were frustrating, fascinating, and scary. Beatrice’s roommates recognized me. Zach, Anthony, and Connor all remembered me as Taylor. Marshall, Keith, Gordon, and Wade didn’t. Why did Norah remember Luke? Perhaps it was related to romantic or more direct connections? But then Rhea and Kasey both remembered him as Norah‘s boyfriend.

The freshman residences had a few stray girls wandering around but none of them were doing anything as obvious and unusual as the chaos earlier. Despite this feeling of everything locking down, we still found a dense, ambling line backed up at the cafeteria. This group also appeared composed of original girls even though I noticed a couple with questionable, nervous expressions.

I had to check the time. The phone call didn’t give me precise specifics about when exactly the church resource get-together was being held. I hated the idea of going off on my own, even though it was a common reaction in my life. It just felt strange and wrong in the life of Beatrice. Apologizing to Beatrice’s roommates, I said that I had to go take care of something real quick. They waved and encouraged me, giving reassurances that they would stick around until I got back.

That added a fervent pace to my steps. I couldn’t keep them waiting. Fortunately, I knew right where the church was in relation to campus. Walking swiftly threw into sharpened awareness the flutter, flap, jiggle, and bounce of everything about my body. My hips seemed like they were going all over the place. I didn’t run or get winded, but the sweat of the time crunch clung to my neck. It didn’t take too long to cross the neighborhood to the church. A little further up was the small shopping center that everyone walked to when they needed groceries. It used to include a Whole Foods which had recently been replaced by Trader Joe's. Among a carousel of changing small businesses, there was a Chinese restaurant, a laundromat, a drugstore, a British pub, a pizza place, and a thrift shop, best I recalled.

The church looked older, with buildings more like a 1960s high school and a brick façade sheltering shimmering stretches of stained glass. It was modestly intimidating. I didn’t have much experience with churches and none of those experiences were especially pleasant. It wasn’t personal, just a bad trend. Fortunately, the quiet section of the complex which included the trans outreach meetings was prominently marked with a colorful, rainbow sign. I leaned against the designated door and gently pushed it open.