A Brand New Goth Girl

[21]

“Hey mom… hey dad… What do you want?“

I braced myself emotionally for what I knew was coming.

“Your sister does not want to talk to us. What did you do?”

You mean my sister, who recently provided me with more support in a few minutes than either of you has given me my entire life? I emphasized that I didn’t know what was up with Lisha or Megan. But mom was convinced of conspiratorial actions on my part.

This was an easy segue into denouncing my career choices and overall activities. Doing art was bad. I would be poor for the rest of my life. After all, prices and inflation on everything were going up every single day, especially in California. Not that I needed either of them to remind me of this fact. The most frustrating part was being told, "You’re not doing anything anyway," in a very familiar fashion.

Of course, I couldn’t tell them about the fact that I changed the sexes. I couldn’t mention all the emotional stuff I’d gone through. Couldn’t bring up grappling with the massive responsibility of the entire campus, being host to previously captive souls, dealing with bitch face, and whatever else. Or could I? It wouldn’t make any difference. I was trying to reason with the unreasonable.

They’d made up their minds that I was worthless. Whatever defense I could mount would only fall into the trap of not being enough, not being what they want, or having some other qualification. The only winning move was not to play. Which sounded a lot cooler than actually trying to enforce it.

I struggled to find something redeemable in their strands of harsh and skeptical responses. But I was an insect, already ensnared. Nothing could possibly impress them or reconcile the shit from years past. So, I didn’t bother. I told them about my friend Rosalie, not because I had some accomplishment related to her, but because I cared about her. After that, I alluded to the death of a friend‘s loved one. Then I mentioned attending a wedding between classmates.

The battering storm I received on the line was an admonishment about silly friendships rather than strategic ones. Megan knew so many people in the entertainment industry and was making connections. What could this Rosalie possibly do for me? Then they scolded me for getting mixed up in stuff related to all these “unalived” things.

Dead dead dead dead dead. Say the fucking word you mean rather than a bullshit word that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing but makes you feel better about not saying the other word. I was within a centimeter of blowing up like that. Dealing with my parents felt more like dealing with an artificial intelligence with rote stock phrases bashing into my brain like destruction equipment.

Of course, when it came to the marriage, the pummeling admonishments included not getting stuck in obligations where I would have to give them gifts. They also couldn’t believe that such a cultured campus would allow “such things”. Oh yeah… All-girl campus, so no way of hiding the fact that it was two girls. They warned me not to get corrupted by crazy notions.

The temptation to smash my relationship with my parents with the same clarity and fervor as those flashlights practically overwhelmed all other thoughts. Screw what it meant for the rest of college. The semester was already paid for.

But this wasn’t about having a moment. It was about enduring. I could take their apathy and their irritation. Whether I was their thoroughly disappointing son or an even more disappointing black sheep of a daughter.

No epiphanies. No triumphs. Just my own determination and resilience. Not much of a victory, but it was my quiet one. They eventually let me go with the reminder to eat better to not get fatty fat and wear good makeup so I didn’t look like a corpse. The only thing that kept me from fuming after the call with all my imaginings of what I might’ve said or done was Anthony calling up with concern about Parsley.

She looked so depleted. I begged the lingering spirits to do whatever they could. But it was like they didn’t want to. I couldn’t make sense of it. Why couldn’t I have real power to help? I gave it up. This was the result.

Sadly, it wasn’t long before Anthony was alone. She brought back the little wheelchair she borrowed from the college. Nadia returned from wherever the heck she went and was around with practiced words. She was oddly wearing exactly the same outfit I’d seen on her several times before.

None of it felt comforting, but I appreciated her sticking around. After we left Anthony to deal with her grief, Nadia lingered in my bedroom. I glanced over my shoulder as she washed up in the sink.

The light was off in the hallway, but the little section I could see seemed surprisingly dark. I thought back to what Anthony told me and squeezed the lyrics to my favorite song over and over in my thoughts. Nadia finished washing up and walked over to my doorway with a calm expression on her face.

I took a deep breath and asked, “Who are you?”

She slipped on a playful grin, as though ready to receive the punchline to a joke. My expression was placid as I pressed my question. The friendliness soon fell away.

“Well… well… You’re decently observant. Not bad.“

The image of a teenage Turkish girl slid away like paint in water, leaving behind the man in black. He sat on the nearest chair without invitation and smiled a harsh crack of a smile.

“Where is the real Nadia Baris?”

He waved his hands like brushing off some dirt. “Don’t know. Doesn’t matter. She’s never met any of you. Worlds apart and out of her jurisdiction.”

My heart raced. “It was you the whole time?”

“Always me. Always watching. Any other questions?”

“Who are you?” I repeated.

“I’m the one who has your whole world in my hands. The itty bitty babies. Every brother and sister. Everyone. That’s who I am.” He smiled, but his tone was starkly serious.

I felt woozy. “We broke those flashlights.”

He nodded. “That, you and your friends did. I’ll have to make some replacements. Shame. I was interested to see what that power would do amongst your friend group. Maybe you’ll run into something like it again. But I can’t play favorites.”

Heat surged through my body. “So, none of it mattered? Are we just an experiment?”

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“Your world is my battery. A slice of human souls in the perfect container to use and burn through. A slice of humanity… Confined to a radius of a hundred light years out of a universe. More than your species would ever need. A closed time like curve I made.“

I struggled to comprehend what he was telling me. Battery. Container. Time. Prison.

“Time?”

“Your time, rapidly sped up. Burned through. Rise and fall. And I reap the rewards at the end. You don’t have to worry though. You and everyone you know will live their lives as though nothing has changed. You’re so small in the scheme of things.“

My heart thundered in my head but then began to slow as I realized something. “If I’m so insignificant, why are you using your time talking to me?”

The Man in Black tightened his jaw. “Such a human question. Thinking you’ve got something over on me. Feeling that you’ve discovered some great truth. It’s all meaningless. There’s no truth. Nothing to smash and nothing to find. You’ve just briefly caught my interest. But that time is almost up.”

He stood up but didn’t move to leave. “You have the choice of whether to tell your friends about what you’ve heard or not. I don’t care either way.”

I pointed out, “So you keep saying. My choice with the flashlights. My choice with this information. You want to see what I’ll do. You’re really interested.”

The dark man scoffed, but I pressed, “Billions of humans, kept in a jar. We’re incredibly valuable, or you wouldn’t bother at all.“

He shook his head. “Human ego. You’re not as much as you think you are. Look at your world through the years. So much blind obedience and polarization. You’re just wild animals with fancy pretenses. And you slaughter one another without regret. In a hundred years, when your stars start to vanish, who will you scapegoat then? Perhaps stories of me will fade into divinity, and your descendants will worship me.”

This creature was pontificating. I couldn’t help but laugh. That really annoyed him. Did he expect me to provide some loud answer about the nature of humanity?

I had a different thought.

“Where is Parsley?”

He sneered. “She was delicious…“

I shook my head but held my tongue.

It moved towards the doorway. Screw it. I stood up and said, “No matter what you think about human beings, we’re different. You can’t even comprehend it. Some of us suck, others are disappointing, and we fight against ourselves. But there’s something special. Something you didn’t sign up for. There is a light in humanity, an energy beyond whatever resource you may be looking for. And when you find that out, it’s going to be the biggest ‘oh shit’ moment you could ever imagine. No matter if I am there when you see it or someone a hundred generations from now, it’s coming for you…”

His reaction was the expected level of smugness to confront my show of determination. All he added was, “I’ll see you around.” Then, he vanished like a wisp of smoke caught in a breeze. And I was alone.

Oh, that fucker with his mind games. Assuming I took everything he said at face value, it was sickening. The world in the hands of that. Definitely worth spreading the word to everyone I could tell. Which he probably wanted. Fear him and his nameless darkness. Get Anthony pissed off about what he said. Spread fervor and hopelessness.

Nahhhh… not interested. If he wanted that, then he had to get someone else. The spirits were still around me after swarming like meteorites or charged particles when he was here. He probably suspected I would rebel. Maybe I ultimately didn’t have a choice in the matter. Fight, give up, reject, do nothing…

I may not have had a choice… But I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to have geeky fun with Connor and Zach. I wanted Anthony to know she wasn’t alone. I wanted to tell off Brian. And Wade. Make sure Marshall had lessons about tampons as well. See what Gordon was up to, and make sure Keith had comfortable bras. Learn about the people who ran away from the dorm and make sure they’re not afraid. Discuss comic books and plants with Norah. Cheer up Kacey and help Drake adapt even more. Ask Rhea about what makes her happy and inspires her. Get to know Connor and Zach‘s roommates. Hear more about Rosalie dating. And so many other people. So many possibilities. And it didn’t matter who was watching or why. I was doing it for me.

Anthony made a shrine to Parsley’s memory. Her public explanation was that the girl was a distant relative of hers who’d come to visit, but she was in an accident. With her aunts, the girl was just a friend.

Melancholy saturated so many of her days, but some color and energy started to return when she showed off a song she wrote as a tribute. It captured a playful, bounding exuberance. We all loved it, even though she denounced it as not good enough, and soon started work on a second song.

Eventually, things at Cressman University got back to some semblance of normalcy. Norah and Lily actually evolved into something like a couple. Kasey and Drake found friendship despite discomfort. Classes were changed up and remained the same. We got used to so many things. Periods totally fucking sucked ass though. No other way around that.

One quiet Saturday, with the prospect of Lisha actually coming to visit with Megan, we were casually inspired to join together around that stupid billiards table. Finish the game or whatever. Some symbolic response to everything. I never told anyone that I talked to the man in black. I wondered if anyone else had encounters with him. Anthony clearly didn’t; she wore her emotions on her sleeve and wouldn’t have been able to keep it in.

The newest tribute song to Parsley was coming along nicely as she delicately strummed her loaner guitar, which hadn’t received a name. The game was meaningless. We barely even kept score. Maneuvering around the table wasn’t the most fluid thing, but we had gotten used to our contours and shapes. Zach still joked about making a shot with her pillows, and Connor playfully challenged her to a match of that.

So many things different. So many the same. Transformed and yet kept in stasis. It should’ve been enough to scream and keep screaming. But I smiled a calm and quiet smile. This was life, my life, Beatrice‘s life, our lives, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything.