A Brand New Goth Girl
[10]
Part of me expected that the room would be empty and dark without a sign of anyone around recently. But I actually slipped into a well-lit, multi-purpose small auditorium with several people milling about. Plastic back chairs were organized in neat rows.
My biggest surprise was seeing a couple of young people who appeared slightly younger than me. Conclusively distinguishing them as girls or guys would’ve been monumentally futile, especially at an event like this. Additionally, there was the complication of whether some of them were heading in one direction or another. All that considered, I could tell the girl in the black dress applied her makeup a little too heavily. Likely inexperience, not that I was speaking from a point of experience. I fretted that Norah would have to give me some more lessons once I totally screwed everything up in the morning.
Two of the younger guys didn’t come down on a clear feeling for me. They could’ve been non-binary, early on toward a girl transition, or fairly deep man transitioning. I had no clue. My entire breadth of experience was a couple random posts online that I dug into out of curiosity. Perhaps I was an ‘egg’ as I gathered the community referred to in their parlance. Someone who had a variety of irreconcilable feelings and stuff in their souls awakened by self-reflection that represented more. Not simply unresolved psycho-sexuality, curiosity, or anything else.
That was a monumental leap. And I’d been cast across the divide in an instant. If I wasn’t just some nascent ovum waiting for the right spark, then why wasn’t my first reaction to go to screaming for boyish clothes and testosterone supplements? I revered Beatrice even while I worked to reconcile her as a part of myself, and I felt honored by what my benefactor had done.
Maybe I just was trans, and I got bounced to the finish line. Did that still make me trans? I transitioned, even though it wasn’t by choice. I tested the options about how I could modify my appearance and just went for the subtlest of adjustments. I am a girl. Did I belong here or not?
It probably seemed like the best idea to not bring up the complexity of my situation and gradually present my proposal to any who might be interested. I was absolutely terrified to put it out there all by myself. My key hope was that someone might be aware or accurately mention the situation over on the campus and then someone might say “I wish that happened to me“ and I could step in at that point.
The one lady who behaved like the leader of the group approached me with her hands folded in front of her and a smile. “Can I help you?”
She said her name was Meredith. Her voice was amazing. I heard casual snippets of a couple people and they gave more credence toward certain directions. This lady, I couldn’t think of a diplomatic way to phrase it. She seemed like an expert but also anonymous. She didn’t stand out. She just seems like a regular, pretty lady. I could readily believe that she was just a presenter for the group rather than part of it. I wished that wasn’t my thought process but the distinction between most of the group and Meredith was obvious. She wasn’t quite as big as poor Lily, but she was giving her red, button-up blouse a stress test. I innately knew that it was judgmental of me to lump her voice and other qualities into abject normalcy. Maybe she was a lesbian. Maybe she was her own variety of non-binary. Could also be she was an ally. It was a daunting world that felt like the open ocean and a cliff that I was barely balanced in front of.
“I called earlier about donations and resource efforts. I wanted to help out the trans but also the overall LGBTQ+ outreach community here. Providing resources and whatever… else I can.” I casually hoped that my goth girl appearance would be enough. The only alternative I could imagine was to just flat-out say I was a witch and could transform people. I doubted that would go over well.
She smiled and invited me to sit wherever I was comfortable and explained that they were currently at an intermission. They had support discussion and prayer for those in the group who needed it, then there were refreshments and board games along with a social session. She invited me to introduce myself and talk about my “resources”.
Running away right then didn’t seem like a preferable option. I got myself a little juice box and silently apologized to my roommates for my horrible timing. One particular girl in a light blue top and tight jeans practically stomped across the auditorium and monopolized things quite loudly. I soon learned her name was Persephone. She seemed to have a permanent scowl etched on her face along the faintest hint of facial hair. Her hair was long and brunette but rather unkempt. Very slight boobs showed through her blue top.
Many things about Persephone rubbed me the wrong way, particularly her jokes about drugs and fiddling with questionable things in her bag. At the same time, she brought up messed up stuff from her uncle and being homeless recently. Her fuming anger blasted in all directions. I had no idea what to think of her. The group didn’t seem particularly happy with her, but they let her vent.
This snippet of the meeting was pleasant until the focus arrived on me, and Meredith invited me to introduce myself. After some blind panic and gradually getting to my feet with an absolute void inside my head for what I was supposed to say that didn’t sound crazy, I began, “My name is Beatrice Lee. I used to be a boy, Taylor Lee. I am a student at Cressman University. I wanted to check out this outreach group in the hopes of helping with resources and… and just helping as much as I can. I…have…I have access to a special skin care depilatory light. It’s really good, and I’ll gladly offer it to anyone for free.”
That hopefully didn’t strain credibility too much. With my meager sphere of trans experience, I knew that laser hair treatments were not only pricy but had shortcomings. Some eyebrows were raised, Meredith‘s especially. She was the first to respond, “Interesting. Is it at a medical office nearby? Are you a medical student?”
More and more holes to dig myself into. ”I am an art student, but I was granted access to this special light by a benefactor. And I just thought it would be very helpful to this community. I’ve used it and it’s really good.”
I had left it out there, but Meredith soon picked it up. “How many months or years along are you? You look amazing. Your voice is nice but still has some buzzy and flat intonation to it. I provide vocal coaching, and it would be easy to help you get the rest of the way there.”
My voice had issues? She clarified that my sound was very nice on a “fem” level, but my cadence and pronunciation could use a little polish. She made it clear that where I was at still sounded perfectly fine, like a standard tomboy, but she suspected that I would want to take that extra step she could help me with. I let her assume that I had some sort of trachea surgery. My Taylor brain and way of talking as a boy were clearly blocking Beatrice from being expressed to her fullest.
To Meredith’s question on how long, I decided to just count how many months since I started college. And I politely thanked her for the vocal coaching offer. Some of the younger girls blurted out questions mixed with random statements about getting “bottom surgery” for free. I seemed to be out of the hot seat for the moment, so I gingerly sat back down. Persephone went on a few more rants before she finally seemed to chill.
The meeting wrapped up soon after that and the group broke up into various clusters. Persephone soon ambushed me over by the doors and pressed about this “fancy laser light treatment”. She talked up some of the other options while sounding quite dismissive of what I was proposing. I probably would’ve been dismissive too, especially if it were touted as free. Her demeanor still annoyed me though. So, I responded by saying, “I have it with me.”
The little pink flashlight came out of my pocket and Persephone snorted at me. I commanded the light with “womanly beauty” as though I were simply extolling its virtues. And I set it to user and target because I wasn’t sure about revealing all this to everyone at once. I spread a wide, bright beam from the top of Persephone’s head down to her feet.
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When I clicked it off, her mouth hung open slightly. With blazing fury, she yelled, “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” She had on the same blue top but her breasts had to be at least a cup size larger. Her face appeared a little softer and with different, rounded angles to it. Fumbling around her waist, her hand soon rested between her legs as she screamed about her dick.
”I’m supposed to be a futa, you bitch! I didn’t wanna lose my dick!”
I caught a scramble of words about her boyfriend and a mess of other things before she lashed out, “GIVE ME THAT NOW!” She reached for the light and my heart flooded with blooming terror. Whatever else was happening around us didn’t matter as I quickly shifted the settings to user-only and swept the beam across her body in a panic. Her hands quietly dropped, and she looked briefly confused before taking a breath and laughing.
“What were we talking about? Oh my gosh… Are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost. Please sit down and gather your breath. Come on, come on.” She held me gently as she guided me back over to the chairs. I quietly put the flashlight back into my meager pocket as my body gurgled and a sense of nausea filtered out of my soul.
Persephone didn’t look anything like she had moments ago. Her face was fuller, softer, and bore a petite nose. She still wore the same blue top but the expanse of her breasts landed in the same region as Lily now. A sliver of midriff showed between her tight denim jeans and that top. Her entire demeanor was different from the entire time I’d seen her. Her voice had a more naturally feminine quality than even mine. She gently and warmly comforted me as I reeled with things I couldn’t possibly say.
As much as I could gather, no one in the room noticed anything amiss. I soon learned that Persephone‘s name was now Phoebe. The person she was had been erased from existence. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to turn the light on myself without any awareness and just let go of this sickening moment.
I didn’t mean to do it. I thought she would be fine with it. I got wrapped up in so much misunderstanding and confusion. There was nuance to everyone and everything. I shouldn’t have just assumed that what I could give her was exactly what she wanted. And I killed her. I killed the person she was before. No matter what kind of person that was, and I’d definitely seen so many negative qualities, I didn’t have the right to take her life from her and give it to this new person. What could I possibly do now? The light didn’t have anything like an undo option as far as I dug through its settings. I screwed up and these were the consequences. It was horrifying.
For the sake of the group, I put on a calm face despite the sweat dripping from my hair. I cooked up another falsehood about skipping a meal, even though the hope and pressure of supper in the cafeteria still weighed on my thoughts like a ticking clock. Kasey and Rhea must have left by now. To throw in with those lies, I mentioned having a bout of something like a panic attack.
They’d hit me every so often ever since starting college. I would be sitting there, and it was like my brain was on fire with a notion it couldn’t help but follow through to its conclusion. Often, it felt like a half-remembered movie, a dream, or some game a friend invited me to play. A storm would wrack my consciousness with tingles like scrunching your eyes up tight. I would hyperventilate and run through this mind-stealing vision. When it was over, I’d have to gingerly remind myself of what I was doing because it felt like a waking nightmare during which I was gone. I had no idea if that was truly a panic attack or some screwed-up static in my brain. Invoking it invited peril, but at least I was able to wrap my current terror in that coat.
Everyone came over to console me, at least a little. Gentle Phoebe especially assured me that things would be fine even though I knew in my heart they never would be again. Meredith comforted me too and made sure I knew that whatever details related to this depilatory light could be sent along to her by email or whatever was convenient for me later. I quietly thanked her for that, traded contact information, and cautiously made my way out of the little auditorium.
Despite the time crunch and the urgent press that I was going to miss supper with my roommates, I wandered down the side hallway and over into the central chapel. It was open with some recorded music playing through the speakers rather than the grandiose pipe organ at the front. Ornate wooden sculptures with a figure of Christ on the side near the window and a tree blended with a cross and a sunrise adorned the front pulpit area, if that was the right term.
I didn’t know much of anything about churches, how they were laid out, the rituals, or the terminology. Just vague recollections. I knew so little about trans people and even less here. I knew I should probably leave before I screwed this up too.
The pew was surprisingly comfortable, despite its simple appearance. I leaned forward and tried my best to breathe normally. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.
I did all that wrong. Maybe I wanted to show Persephone and kind of shut her up. Yeah. I definitely did. What can I do about it? God… Goddess…Benefactor? Whoever might be listening who can help me? I felt so very small in a big, crazy world.
What do I pray? What do I say? How do I make things better? Well, those words sounded as good as anything to offer up. Just ask. Just hope.
The calming serenity was nice but no sudden, jarring revelation unveiled a great truth. It was still just me alone, sitting with my trembling hands. No pastor came by to offer me perfect words and wisdom. So, I carefully rose to my feet and left through one of the side doors.
A certain aura did accompany me as I strolled from the pavement to the grass. It was like my body was made of loose materials casually drawn together. That was a weird feeling beyond just the Beatrice level. I practiced my voice with an anchoring reminder in my head about how Meredith spoke. It seemed a little too bouncy and animatedly perky. Sometimes. I found it rather bubbly. You could hear a sense that she was smiling. That wasn’t necessarily bad, but it also didn’t feel quite right for Beatrice to mimic that style. Not that I was judging resolutely what Beatrice should and shouldn’t sound like.
Simply copying the momentum and energy provided me with a necessary distraction as I walked back toward campus. There was something there though. Despite my tangled web of thoughts and feelings about the moderation of the sound, it was kind of cute to try. The problem was how much it felt like imposing myself on the voice I’d been given. If that made any sense. As usual, I was probably thinking too much about parts I shouldn’t fret over and not thinking enough about the parts that I should be focusing on.
The cafeteria was still busy when I made my way over. Slowly ambling down the steps felt like sinking into a quiet miasma. Down down down to the tree-sheltered view of the evening slipping closer.
“BEATRICE! BEA! Over here!” I heard Kasey’s voice cut through the dull roar of so many others. She was still here. I felt so embarrassed at taking so long. I started my apology, but the exuberance of my roommates blotted it out. They pointed out several guys they knew from classes as shy girls hanging out in here. Norah and Lily were also present, having just started eating. Kasey and Rhea simultaneously assisted with swiftly assembling my meal. Cheese tortellini, mushrooms, cucumber salad, a little quesadilla, potatoes, and a little chocolate cupcake. It was more than I was expecting. There was some catfish leftover from lunch as well as sesame ginger stir fry.
As we ate, everyone chatted. About who they saw, who they talked to, the overall chaos, and the fact that the administration was going to update and follow things up with residence assistants as soon as possible. I didn’t need to say much more than that I dropped by a trans resource meeting over at the local church. Lily was curious and my roommates buried me in adamant support.
I still felt lost from my recent mistakes and sadly not as hungry as I was hoping for, but the presence of everyone around me soothed some of the troubles and quelled the pressure within.