Mystery Lake

[37] Alyssa and Tell

It didn't feel satisfying. Of course, it didn't; it was a choice I made. I always make the worst kind of choices. But at least I didn't make it alone.

Right? Right? God dammit. Bad enough that an imaginary friend had to show up, then they had to abandon me at the wrong time for my sanity. But that's fine. That's normal. That's expected. That's what I get.

Bitch. Yeah. I am.

Then, Joel had to go and actually deal with it like it was nothing. All that becomes nothing. The basic story of my life and anything I ever try to accomplish. Not that I wanted him to suffer because of what I did. I just wanted him to understand. I wanted it to click. And he brought up Duncan. I wasn't trying to do this to everyone. Honestly. Not my intention.

But the goddamn way I was punishing. Treating being a girl like a curse I wanted to spread. I didn't want to do anything that might hurt Duncan. She wouldn't let me answer... He wouldn't let me answer... no she. It's accurate, but it still feels weird. Girl Joel. I fucked up.

And I kept doing it as they looked through the clothes for something to wear. I wore a sour expression, and I scrutinized them because I had stuff put away in my bag, which looked a lot brighter and cuter than my usual garb. I didn't want them to make a big deal of it. I could probably stuff it in with Layla's stuff, and they wouldn't know the difference. It's just really personal. I hate reacting to things. No matter how confident I feel inside and no matter how people may read me, I'm just a quivering wreck. I wanted to bite my painted nails off.

I wound up alone with Duncan, squeezing my arms around my stomach so my soul didn't fall out.

"Are you okay?"

Far from it. What can I really say?

"Dunno. It's insane that this is real. Almost all girls."

That got a reaction from Duncan that was bigger than practically anything I'd ever said to him. I could guess that this was meaningful. All the assumptions seemed obvious on his blushing face. He wanted to take a dip too, make it an all-girl situation.

What if I didn't want him to jump in? At the same time, I wanted him to try it, and I wanted to go in with him. Too impetuous, though, too crazy. But I could go full lesbian. Not lesbian. She wouldn't be lesbian, and neither would I. Although, who cares? Just words that somebody said, and I told myself had meaning along with bodily distinctions. Just because I had this body didn't make or require me to be a girl like anyone... And, begrudgingly, I had to say that the same also applied to Joel, even though I didn't want it to.

Joel was just a dude. Not some girl, no matter how his body changed. In a different situation, the insight would be invaluable. But she was stuck. What does it matter now? She was just one more girl. No going back; who you were destroyed. Trapped fate.

We talked a little bit longer, even though Duncan supported the bulk of the conversation. He spun out his worries about bringing us here, but I assured him it was fine. Any lake is going to be dangerous. Despite his sentiment towards the waters, he both gave it a cautious distance and kept looking at it, as though it would offer up a different reflection or a different possibility next time.

At some point, I glanced over at Barry. Despite everything that happened, Barry and Joel were still like a pair of boys who could easily get over their issues. I probably provided the unifying antagonist that brought them together. Villain Alyssa. Sure, whatever, I can take it.

Why can't I be different? Why can't I really be someone else? If I take a dip, the cover will change, the form will melt, and it will become something else. But it'll still be the rotten core of me inside. I can feel it festering within me. Why can't I just be normal? Who fucked me up so badly? I spent literal years of my life pointing fingers and feeling like I knew who it was. The easy target was mom and dad, but they actually treated me decently for a long time. But then, no terrible person is terrible all the time. It's the lulls that kill you—the times when you think you might be safe. The worst part was that I could point to as many instances of cruelty within myself as from anyone else.

Caleb was definitely one thing I could point to and had to. He was so simple in my life, so clear. He asked all the questions that I got twisted up in pretzels, just trying to understand. While I often weaseled out of them, he was understanding. And he spoiled me for everyone else after. Us not winding up together wrecked me. Duncan couldn't possibly match that. He didn't need to match that. I just needed to get over it.

Exhausting, it's so exhausting, even though I shouldn't close my eyes. Joel wouldn't leave me alone, though. He had to come into our thing.

He claimed he wasn't going to touch Duncan, but he got close—he got real close—and he did more than I feared. He kissed him. How could he?! Joel didn't have a boy kissing bone in his entire body. It was impossible. He was just trying to piss me off, get a rise out of me, and go after the only thing I'd shown interest in. This was exactly the wrong place to fight with him. Too much water and not enough places to support us. I didn't even realize Jess was back there.

Bonking her was a million miles from my intentions. Although it also represented an opportunity, I could leap in; I could jump to save her; my self-sacrifice of everything to square this away. Clear my balance sheet and make it look like I was just going after my friend and not thinking about it. She didn't have her phone with her, did she? I tried to make a leap for her, but it was tangled up in fear and feeling for too long as Joel bounded into the water. My opportunity missed, if I even had one at all.

I watched to make sure that they made it safely to shore. In my heart, I knew that I had lost my friend. Even without the transformation, the fighting and the tussle were impossible to reconcile. Not much I can do about that. I probably wouldn't have Duncan for much longer either. We stood apart. We didn't have anything else to say to one another, even though my mind was flooded with so many wordy uncertainties. Soon, my only company would be my own head, assuming I actually kept it.

We broke up into little groups because that's what we were—three-ish groups of people simply thrown together with nothing else to define them. I wanted it to be more, but that just didn't seem possible. I looked into the surface of the lake, and my reflection both seemed exactly the way it always seemed but felt somehow off, as if I wasn't really staring into a pool of water but something else. I couldn't test it, and I didn't feel right asking questions of the recently affected.

I had everything all to myself. I was alone in a group and sure to get lonelier yet. Layla, who taught me the basic, goofy form of some sort of martial arts that she made up for one of her play efforts, started undressing and walking to the water. Now my right hand was tingling instead of my left, and it was hurting worse than usual.

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It wasn't like I could or wanted to hold her back. I just couldn't imagine her in another shape. The idea of her transforming was beyond my comprehension. She'd have to remain the same. I approved of the pairing of the blondes. They looked cute together. Layla cast off her bra, and I fussed with the feeling of mine. It always chafed, even when it shouldn't. I barely even needed it anyway, but it was a comfort. It defined me as much as anything else I was obligated to wear.

Layla wasn't up for twisting feelings of uncertainty. She lived with blank honesty, and I admired that, even though I wished she would recuse and restrain herself more often. Don't let the cards of your life fall upon the table. You have to keep them close; they're only for you.

There was more and too much of that when the four who had gone ahead of me seemed so happy and free. They just spilled out their secrets about names and meanings. I wanted to be a part of them. But it was too much. No way boys like Barry and Joel would just cast off their lives, toss them inside, shed everything that used to be, and gleefully become clichés of feminine masquerades. It felt more like a game played on me. How could they just go on like that?

I had to get away. Not that I was a part of them, but I needed to separate myself even further. Duncan wouldn't let me go, though. Just like all the other boys I pushed away before. I pushed away everyone; I pushed away my family; and I pushed away everything that might help me. I couldn't be different; I couldn't be what they wanted, and my wretched luck snapped me like a whip every single time.

So much, too much, and despite how nice Duncan was and how much he tried, I couldn't keep it all inside. I had to scream, I had to cry, and I had to release the steam before my engine, my spoiled, ruined engine, burst.

I just wanted to slide away, like a slug, into oblivion. Joel, or whatever he wanted to call himself now, was the last person I wanted to see, but he just wouldn't leave me alone. Dammit, with his words that burned inside my brain but that felt strangely soothing. It was weird. It was strange. I wanted to listen to her...him. The sensation was like meeting with an older sister after a fight. I didn't have any of those, but I kind of imagined what they would be like. A better version of my mom, who didn't threaten to kill herself if I had a difference of opinion. Better version of my dad, who didn't try to get high and scream whenever I needed sleep.

He was right… Roxanne was right. I hated his face, but she was right. I lost my strength, but there was a visceral presence inside me that wouldn't let me fall, keeping me company. All these sorries I kept inside, despite feeling like I dispensed with them, rushed out like a river I could never control. My imaginary friend spilled my secrets.

At least not everyone heard my envy of their quiet, special lives. Happy, cheerful Layla. A crush on confident Joel. Focused and self-assured Jess. The belief of Barry. And how clever and smart Duncan was without ever needing to try. I spilled out everything like a rotten pus-filled mass. And she hugged me. Roxanne hugged me. How could these people care? We just met hours ago. We're not friends; we're barely acquaintances who knew each other so briefly. Do I just mistrust too hard? Should I be different? I could be different with just a single motion.

Duncan, will you go with me into oblivion and the other side? He was terrified; I could see it; I was used to being terrified and holding it in. I had pink underneath—a lovely, light, bright pink. If only it had been blue, then it would've been appropriate. But then I remembered that blue used to be the girly color and pink was the manly one, so that made it an appropriate forecast. Make a bright pink boy within my heart. Wipe it away. Wash it all away.

I couldn't help the fact that I felt so damn horny. This lake had to be full of horny. I can feel the moisture from it collecting within and throughout me, even though I haven't touched the water yet. I may find myself a lesbian, but I can suck off. That probably meant I was bisexual. Funny, that never really popped into my head before.

I get to be the last person, although hopefully not the first person, to taste the most intimate part of Duncan. If we're gonna get rid of it, it deserves one last gasp. Same with my other thoughts, but I just have enough in me to shake off the fact that I'm doing this in front of this group. This group of people that I know, people who are surprisingly nice to me, despite how bad I am to them. These people. These these… My friends. How could they be my friends? Such a silly notion for such a silly girl who won't even exist in a few moments. I haven't been their friend. I don't deserve their friendship.

Duncan's taste made me gag and wish I had something to chase after it, but I wore the false face of enjoyment. I can wear a lot of faces. But it's time to strip them off; it's time to find clarity in the chaos. Time to take the plunge; time to see the other side. I didn't puke at least, because a faint, lemony aroma saved the blank salty goo from absolute revulsion. Think of it like swallowing your own congestion. You can do it, you can smile, and you can get through it.

And then we fell into the water. Into the depths. Would I turn to foam? Would there be nothing left of me? It almost felt that way.

The strangest sensation curved around my mouth. It was like having something akin to scuba gear protecting my airway. The same persisted around my nostrils. The water didn't want to get in. It didn't flow into my mouth. But then it didn't quite feel like water. Well, it was probably some sort of magic substance. That would've made sense, as much as anything did.

But the weirdest part was that, at that moment, I felt a wide swath of others around me. Like spirits, like companions. Crazy. I was under for too long, and my oxygen was bleeding away. That's what it had to be. And my body had already been changed; I'd been touched by the water. I am someone else, and I'm still here… For now. It was crazy, but I could feel the others lifting me up, and both I and Duncan were helped out of that water.

Before I returned to the surface, though, my head dipped down into the void, into the absolution of darkness. Nothing down there, nothing but blank oblivion. No. There was something down there. A vast, shadowy shape, like a shield of obsidian curved and rounded, watching like a half-open eye. If I were crazy, and I am, but if I was willing to indulge that feeling, I might say it looked familiar, even though I couldn't quite figure it out. A dark shield in the shadows—what could that really be?