Its a brain? (Part one of two)

"It's a brain? In a bucket? This is what we get? Fuck that, find the money!"

This was supposed to be a treasure ship. The finest wares of the K:Keck kingdom, on their way to buy sixty virile mates for the Queen. Where was the money?

The Amorciant Pirates, all three of them, had successfully hunted down the convoy, dispatched the unlucky guards and taken the flagship.

"This thing is the fucking wedding present? We need to go. Take it, we may get a ransom."

Life then got suddenly more difficult for the pirates. Eighteen K:K battleships arrived and began shooting. The pirates didn't stand a chance, plasma bolts destroying two out of the three ships in moments. Despite that, the last ship, burning and broken, made a blind jump into the void.

What was left of his ship jumped out and Captain Oskar, the last of the crew alive, spent several hours putting out the fires.

Most of the loot was currently burning in space and he was currently sitting in butt-fuck nowhere, trying not to join it. Half his body was moulting from the heat damage and his tail was basically gone. He kept picking at his scales, trying to feel clean. It wasn't working.

Finally he sat alone in the smoking remains of his Bridge. The ship's systems were gradually failing as he watched. His great heist had turned to bitter ashes. All the plans to retire, find a comfortable ledge and lie in the sun forever were dust.

Then he remembered the bucket. Irrationally, he blamed it for the plan going wrong. Who sends a brain as a wedding gift? Just how weird was this species?

He dragged it out of the debris, cursing in as many languages as he could remember. To be honest, it wasn't a bucket. It was an elaborate support system, apparently keeping the brain alive. It just looked like a bucket.

He scrutinised the label. Muttering to himself, he went to get a hand-scanner. Whatever language it was written in was unknown to him.

The scanner beeped and spat out a translation.

' Warning. This Entity is suspected to be a Founder. Do not disturb.'

After that was a long list of warnings about engaging with the Entity, and a list of those who had died following its advice. It was quite a long list. However, it also gave instructions on awakening the thing. Ha, at least he wouldn't die alone. He began the process.

From the bottom of the tank, a mist of motes rose and surrounded the brain. Slowly it was encased in bone, then muscle and finally skin. Oskar thought it was one of the most disgusting things he had ever seen. The head had only two eyes and no scales. It looked like a rodent. Then it began growing fur. Sickening.

It's twin eyes opened, and began searching the area.

"Just one of you? Last time someone woke me up, there were thousands."

Its eyes locked on Oskar," How old is the universe?"

Oskar was thrown by the question," What?"

The Entity repeated, " How old? Perhaps you don't know. Perhaps you're an idiot."

A little stung by the comment Oskar trotted out the answer he had learned as a hatchling," Fifteen billion years, give or take. Is that seriously your first question? Just so you understand, this ship is about to die, along with everyone on it."

The head didn't seem concerned.

"Somewhere along the line, I missed my one billionth birthday. It would have been a hell of a cake. My name is Eells, I was a human, many years ago. I believe we are called Founders now. Oh, and remember when I said that the last time anyone woke me up that there were thousands of them? They had guns pointed at me. And you don't."

More motes began rising. The bucket seemed to stretch, the whole thing becoming a swirling mess. It began settling into a shape until finally a figure stood in front of him. The tall, four limbed figure was regarding him.

It spoke,"Any questions?"

Oskar grabbed the first thing that crossed his mind," Did you forget your tail?"

The first genuine human laugh in a billion years echoed across the burning bridge.

"I like you, Lizard. What do you call yourself?"

"I'm Captain Oskar, of the Amorciant fleet. All of which are dead. Except us, obviously. Until the ship powers down, anyway."

Eells looked around," I take it you lost a battle? Oh, wait, I get it. You stole me!"

The Founder seemed to think this was even funnier than not having a tail. Eventually it stepped towards the controls.

It moved to engage something, then it paused," Forgive my manners. Captain, may I rescue your ship?"

Oskar spluttered his agreement quickly.

The Founder simply placed its limb on the console, feeding nanotech into the heart of the ship.

The Captain watched as his broken ship began rebuilding. The hull melted into strange shapes, the engine warped into something alien. Even his chair began changing shape, " What are you doing ?"

The Founder seemed distracted," Hmm? Oh, you have some cool stuff, I was just improving it. Nice engines, by the way. Pity they are shot to fuck. Plasma bolts, they always cause havoc. Anyway, give it an hour or so and your ship is good to go. What do you call her anyway? "

Oskar was confused, there were no females on his ship," What her? I don't understand. Again."

"The Ship. What's her name?"

"Why would a ship have a name? Its designation is in the transponder. Is that what you are looking for?"

The human shook its head, " Xenos, always fucking something. I hereby name this ship the Random Event."

The moment was interrupted by fifteen angry K:K Cruisers looking for a wedding present.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Eells turned to the Captain, "Say nothing. I will deal with this."

"Incoming Fleet, this is the VFS Random Event'. How can I help you?"

*Attention 'VFS Random Event'*

*Unidentified Pirates Hunted.*

*Surrender for Scan*

"Of course, scan away. You will find nothing here that matches some pirate ship. Thanks for the warning though, we will leave quickly."

*No match to query Pirates*

*Confirmed *

"Leave this area immediately"

The human seemed very comfortable extracting himself from the situation. He told the K:K fleet that he would leave in an hour or so. Oskar was impressed.

"I understand the name Random Event. What is VFS?"

"I'll tell you one day. Where are we going? I assume you had a destination."

Oskar was having a bad day. First his brilliant plan had turned to shit, and now some forgotten relic was messing with him

"I need a drink. Let's go to the Solent Orbital, if that's okay?"

The human grinned, " You have no idea how long I've waited for someone to say that. Lead on, Captain."

The Ship, now the Random Event, effectively ran itself. Oskar knew he was now only Captain out of courtesy. Who was this creature?," So, if it's not a rude question, how did you end up as a brain in a bucket?"

The Founder frowned, unhappy with whatever memories he had stirred up.

"Start with the easy ones, ehh. Fine. My ship was lost to a black hole event. A star collapsed as we were going through the sector. A one in a billion chance. We were far enough away to avoid falling in, not far away enough to escape. Stuck.

My crew, and I, we chose to sleep rather than hang around, after a few years. Next thing I remember is the, as you put it, bucket. Someone hauled my ship out of the system, used our med bay to preserve my brain and sold me. I'm sure they got rich on the deal.

Since then, I've been passed from one owner to another. Occasionally, someone wakes me up, asks questions. Ha. Fuck them. My answers are, eventually, lethal.

Just so you understand, my people took slavery very seriously. I did warn them but, you know, people."

Oskar nodded," Of course. Slavery has been banned for thousands of years."

"I know. I told your ancestors I would end them if it continued. Still, it didn't help me. Apparently being worshipped isn't slavery.

I must have pissed someone off, after that there was an army around whenever someone woke me up."

The Founder paused, then a flash of emotion crossed his face. Oskar couldn't read it, but the alien continued,

" Objectively, I'm over a billion years old. Subjectivity, I'm in my sixties. Less than half a human lifespan. I've spent, aware and alive, maybe ten years since my ship died. I intend to live a little. I'm the last of my kind after all."

Solent Orbital was a dump. Eells was delighted," I thought shit like this would be gone. Excellent, bring me to a bar! Oh, what is the currency here? I'm either really rich or skint. How do I find out?"

Oskar brightened at the thought that the alien might be wealthy. "You need to check your Universal balance. Just touch a pad and ask it."

He handed the Alien his own pad," Just say 'balance'."

Eells pressed his thumb onto the pad.

"Balance."

After a minute, the pad started scrolling numbers. Very large numbers. Then it started to smoke and burst into flames.

"Opps. Remember I said I was the last of my kind? Seems like I inherited some stuff."

Oskar was busy stamping out the fire," What the fuck did you inherit? A flamethrower?"

Eells smiled, "Everything. Drinks on me."

The bar was dark and Eells wasn't that remarkable in the company. Not that this crowd spent any time in ancient history lessons. It looked exactly like he expected. A bar, a disgruntled creature serving drinks and a surly clientele of mixed origin. Perfect.

Eells walked up to the barman. "A drink for everyone. I'm on holiday."

The barman hissed," You sure you can cover that, tourist? Cash up front."

Oskar hurriedly leaned over to the Alien,

" Just say 'pay balance'. Don't fuck up his pad, please. I just escaped death, I don't want a rematch."

Eells nodded at the pad. " What he said."

Despite its basic programming, the pad co-operated. Something deep in the system acknowledged the command.

"Welcome to the Shattered Flute. What will you be drinking yourself?"

Eells always enjoyed this bit," Ethanol based, fifty percent strength. Fruit included if possible. I'll try them all."

The barman looked exactly like someone who had been asked for a loaded gun, with a slice of lemon.

"You realise I can't be responsible for what that would do to you? Perhaps something a little less… lethal?"

"Try me."

"I can provide a separate area. I will need to seal the chemicals from the public areas, I'm afraid. But we have snacks."

Many hours later Oskar was struggling. The Founder was practically inhaling odd compounds. The bar staff had stayed long after hours, no-one wanted to miss how this ended. Quite a lot of money was on 'Explosion'.

Abruptly Eells stood up," We need to get back to the ship. Get us there."

The barman brought them back to the ship himself. With the money this Alien had spent over the last few hours, he wanted to make sure he lived long enough to return. Already he had visions of wealthy customers, posh expensive drinks, maybe even a cleaning bot. Alas, the dream died quickly.

The ship was surrounded. Various vans, drones and heavily armed creatures were attempting to enter it.

Eells turned to Oskar, " Looks like your piracy has caught up with you. Bad luck, it's been a pleasure."

Oskar shook his head," That's not for me. I'm clean here. This is something else."

Elles cursed some long forgotten god," Stay here. I'll call you when it's safe."

At that he walked towards the chaos.

He walked quietly towards one of the shouty aliens, his body blending into something more familiar around here. That little trip to the bar had given him plenty of DNA to work with, as well as the mannerisms of the species. Sometimes, you really just can't work from home.

"Hey Captain, what gives? How am I supposed to get to work with all this going on?"

The Official turned to the untidy workman interrupting him, " How did you get in? Leave immediately."

Eells smiled," Be happy too. Can I get you to sign me out? I'm supposed to be working on that ship you're all so interested in. I could do with the night off."

The Official could well believe that. The smell of intoxicants was powerful. Still, perhaps the idiot could help.

" Wait here. I'll let you know when you can go."

He immediately called his military commander over," I've got one of the workmen here. He says he was supposed to work on the target. Want me to hang on to him?"

The heavily armed soldier nodded," Ask him if he has the code for the ship. It keeps refusing to talk to us, it thinks it's got rights"

The Official turned back to Eells and asked," Well, can you open the door?"

Eells looked agast, " That's against regulations! I could be fired for letting a bunch of strangers onto someone's ship. I don't even know what you're doing here!"

The Commander moved to Eells," I'm the stranger with all the fucking guns. This ship has been contaminated with Founder tech, the station called us. We need need to take over before it melts the whole fucking Orbital. With you on it. Understand?"

Eells was enjoying playing the village idiot," Well, I can't help. My code is for two people, not a bloody army. With your lot here, it won't let me in. It's in the regs, stops parties and hi-jacking or something."

The Official joined in," So where is the second person? "

Eells looked sheepish," well, we had a drink or two, he's sort of … asleep. In the taxi. I can do the job myself, but you know, regs. I wasn't going to mention it."

The Commander announced," I'll send one of my men with you. He can take over once you open the door."

Eells looked downcast, " Sorry Captain, we had to do a biometric whatsit. I can... collect my mate from the taxi and hold the door open for you though?"

The Official nodded," Just get on with it. Commander, send a couple of men with him. I don't want him getting' lost'."

Eells nodded," Great. He's not a small lad. They can help carry him." Then he began walking back to the car.

The strange procession of Eells walking ahead of two soldiers holding up Oskar moved to the ship.

Oskar hadn't said a word since the Alien had dragged him from the car. All he knew was to shut up and look drunk. This nightmare will never end. Then he realised where they were going. He pretended not to notice as they passed through the heavily armed troops. Then the guys in Haz-Mat suits. Finally they reached the hatch.

Eells turned to the two troopers," Thanks lads, just wait away from the hatch. It won't open until you're away from the ship. The Captain will let you know when to move in. It's all his idea, after all."

Happy to drop the stupid lizard that had been shedding all over their uniforms, they left quickly, dropping Oskar with a heavy thump.

Eells leaned down to him," We are going to have a race. We need to get into the ship and away before they realized what the fuck just happened. What fun! Ready, steady, go!"

Elles opened the hatch and ran into the ship. Oskar, still recovering from being dropped, suddenly realised that the alien wasn't going to wait around. A burst of fear got him through the door as it was closing.

The Commander was beginning to realise that he, personally, had sent two unknown civilians into the alien ship. It had seemed logical at the time, but then he watched the drunk from the taxi move like it was on fire.

"Shit"