Banging rocks together

Banging rocks together

The three aliens, unfortunate allies in the failing attempt to control humans, were sitting in the shade. The first to speak was the former Captain for the Advancement of the T'ist nation. Former because the humans had handed him his tail, with salt. "I took one of them prisoner."

His audience looked at him in disbelief.

"Really. It was trapped after it blew up our headquarters, I dug it out." He farted as the memory took him back, "It seemed nice, didn't try to eat me or anything. Twenty minutes later, it had killed two guards and disappeared into the forest. It stole my knife to do it, and cost me my commission. Humans."

The next to speak was Petal-by-Day, from one of the few vegetable races left in the galaxy, "They took us by surprise. We didn't know they came out at night. Stupid, I know now. Fuckers never sleep." It drank deeply from the sugar water that the humans called 'Soda' and continued, "Our platoon never heard a thing, apparently they had broken into our comms on day one, they just kept listening. Until they wanted us out of the way. You know what really sucks? Not losing, because wrong time, wrong place, anyone can lose. But when they captured us, it turns out we were on a list. A fucking list of species ' to be protected'.

All I heard was 'TBP', every time they moved us. They refuse to shoot at us, apparently, because of our low numbers. How am I supposed to fight that?"She finished her Coke, shaking her leaves in frustration, "I hear there are Humans that only eat Vegetables. So I'm still keeping my eyes open. Don't want one of those sickos looking for me."

The third member of this impromptu picnic laughed. It was taller, stronger and closer to human shape than the others. It stood up and turned to the plant, "Watch this." It began pounding on its chest, a rhythmic drumming rousing the area. A human paused to look, shrugged and moved on. Another seemed to nod its head to the beat. The alien sat down again, picking up its drink,

"My name is Letal The Sounder, I was the Officer of my people. My call used to raise an army, frighten our friends and terrify our enemies. Now? One of the humans asked me to play in the camp rock band. I said yes. Turns out their music is pretty damn good."

The three prisoners watched as the camp moved around them. The humans kept a clear distance from the unfortunate captives, as apparently they felt uncomfortable holding prisoners. Each of them had received the same, bewildering, list of 'rules-of-war' that the humans used. Since it was mostly a list of things they promised not to do, it was a little disturbing. What if they changed their minds? Had they done them before and decided against it?. Then a human approached them.

He was wearing stars. They knew, now, that that meant a lot. Stupidly, none of the Allied Galactic Forces had worked out that the humans had a machine for everything. Food, washing and war. Apparently they used stars to tell you how long to keep food, what temperature to wash your clothes and who was in charge of killing you. This human had three, so he was either important or hand wash only.

"Welcome to Camp Dolittle, I'm afraid we haven't met before. I'm the Commander around here."

The three aliens silently stood up. Not hand wash then. The human continued,

"I need you to meet some of the new, ehh, guests. They don't seem to understand what a prisoner of war is, and I don't want to have to shoot them." Petal-by-Day was confused," They are from the Allies, yes? Then it is your duty to kill them, am I not correct?"

The Commander, a rather tired man in his mid-fifties, was running out of patience with aliens. He had written the pamphlet out in fifteen fucking languages, it would be nice if someone read the damn thing. "I'm sure it was explained, if you are captured or surrender to human forces, you have rights as well as responsibilities. Prisoners cannot carry weapons, at least not for very long. In return, you are entitled to protection from us, until the conflict ends. It's in the booklet you were given when you arrived. I need you to explain that calling them 'necessary' doesn't mean my men won't shoot you."

Now intrigued the three aliens followed the Commander back to the main barracks. Inside, a tense squad of humans was pointing weapons at four Retin Troopers. From the smell, things were getting a little unpleasant and about to get worse.The Commander turned to Petal-by-Day, " You fought with these people. Explain that they are safe if they disarm, otherwise this is going to end abruptly."

Before she had a chance to speak, Letal The Sounder started laughing. The Commander was unamused," What? You want them dead? Because that's what happens next."

Letal bowed," Apologies, Commander. I think I see the problem. I believe you are worried about the knives? Yes?" The Commander nodded," Of course it's the knives. They shouldn't have even got here with the fucking things. I can't have prisoners wandering around with swords."

Letal tried to find a way to explain this. "Commander, those aren't weapons. They are... anatomy? Is that the word? The Retin have a very direct method of mating, and these Troopers are naked. Do you understand me?" The Commander turned slightly pale, then slightly red," Good God. Give them back their uniforms and warn them that they are never to take them off around humans. For everyone's sake." Once the situation had resolved itself the Commander went back to his office to begin writing yet another briefing paper on the enemy alliance.

The three prisoners made their way back to the shade. Petal-by-Day was the first to break the silence," A strange thing to know. I do wonder about you." As they sat themselves down again, preparing for the endless boredom of camp life, a human struggled towards them. He reached the bench and dumped two crates of soda down," A thanks from the Commander. He said you liked the stuff." The soldier was young and obviously curious about the aliens.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

The T'ist Captain took pity on the shiny new soldier. " Thanks for the coke, perhaps you would like to join us? My name is Cappel, I used to be a Captain, once upon a time." He nodded around the bench," That's Petal-by-Day, and that's Letal The Sounder." They all helped themselves to the soda as he spoke. The young human grabbed a coke and sat down. A bored guard noted the odd meeting, scribbling down the ID numbers of the participants for his Sarge. You never know. Back at the bench, the young private stuttered out his name and quickly spoke what was on his mind,

" I'm not really supposed to talk to you but, well, I've never met any aliens properly. They just shot at me.

If it's not too much to ask, why, exactly are we fighting? I mean, I know the official stuff but I mean, it makes no sense." The three prisoners glanced at each other. This stuff wasn't discussed. Ever. They called it 'Mission Security', or ' Confidential War Intelligence', or whatever phrase would hide the truth. Only a human would be dumb enough to ask. Which was why they found themselves fighting half the galaxy.

Petal-by-Day was the first to respond. "Fuck it, speaking for myself anyway, our government owed the Alliance banks a lot of money. A couple of bad seasons, and our population was dropping, then the banks offered to help. Part of the deal, in very small print, committed us to a 'Full Response Package'. No-one asked what it meant, not 'till we were mobilised. They didn't give me a reason, just orders. I hadn't a clue who humans were, just that you pissed off somebody." She shrugged, a universal expression of frustration, understood by anyone who had served as a soldier.

Letal The Sounder finished his soda. It worked on his species like strong beer, not that he intended telling the humans that, and he decided to join in. " Well, I don't know about the banks, but the Alliance military suddenly started offering us huge money to join up. We didn't know why, didn't really care. Most males of my people are soldiers anyway, so it felt like a good deal. Until they dropped us on a human colony. Turns out you don't fight like us. Our intelligence was terrible and we didn't know how to respond to your tactics.

I still don't know what the fuck you were doing. We ran out of supplies, started losing patrols, our tech stopped working and your soldiers wouldn't stand and fight. It was like trying to fight angry ghosts. We surrendered when headquarters suddenly disappeared, went offworld and left us all on our own. Assholes.'

The human had stayed silent up till now, but he felt he needed to add something," It sounds like there was a lot of money looking for this war. I know there was fuck all for us, we had to turn the entire economy on its head. Took ages before we could gear up."

Again the aliens looked at each other, then back at the human. How to explain this? Cappel asked the human a question, "We noticed. Do your people always do that? I mean, turn all your production to supplies? All your people to soldiers?" The human laughed," God no! Just the big ones. You know, planet wars and stuff. This is the biggest mobilisation in a couple of hundred years. Since before we met you guys in space, really."

Petal-by-Day swore," They didn't know! The fucking Alliance didn't know! Idiots, never even checked."

Cappel frowned at Petal-by-Day, who was cutting close to treason. " So, a big deal then. My people were different, we own a lot of the banks. Our investors were getting upset at the pressure coming from the human worlds, too much cheap money around. No secret, our media was full of it. Perhaps they knew something had to give."

The human just looked confused, " Well, we didn't see it coming. But war, war we understand. We've been at it since people started to bang rocks together to make a better edge. We just didn't want to bring it with us into space."

Letal began laughing again," And we thought that we were a warrior people! " He kept laughing, but then the laughter died and he nodded." We couldn't understand how you were still fighting, or why you were still fighting.

He opened another can of coke, smiling.

"I'd love to tell them, tell my Command that it's because you never thought it was something you just stopped. That it's your normal. That we, as you say, poked a bear. What is a bear? By the way, I always wanted to ask a human that, ever since you put it on posters.

The human private grinned," A predator on Earth. Very cool, very big and very dangerous. They weigh, like three people, and have razor blades for claws. They sleep the cold season away, wake up hungry. They're protected, I mean you're not allowed to kill them. Don't wake them early, or at all." Petal-by-Day recognised the language, " Wait. You said ' Protected'. Humans said that about me! They refused to fight us! Are we too dangerous?" Her petals were beginning to wave with pride. The human hesitated," Well, I don't know about your people, but in general, on Earth, it means we killed too many of something. That we need to be careful or there won't be any left for the future." Her petals collapsed, rendered speechless.

The guard was getting a little concerned. He buzzed the private, before the kid got into real trouble. Noobs needed a break sometimes, " Private, get your arse in gear. Those are not your fucking mates. Move out ."The private jumped from the bench, looking like someone hit him with a taser. " Sorry, I've got to get moving. Thanks for the talk, I need to get to work." He practically ran back to the Commander's office.

The prisoners grinned, all remembering their own early days in the military. The mistakes that, depending on the species meant cleaning up the toilets / hatcheries / bloodrooms, sometimes with your teeth, sometimes with your tail end. Always nice to see it happening to someone else, especially the enemy.

Cappel was the first to comment," That kid is going to be scrubbing something for a week. Still, probably more information than I ever heard in a briefing." Petal-by-Day nodded," If we had known then, what we know now. Story of every fucking war. I'm quite glad to be sitting here for now. Cheers." She finished her Coke.

Letal finished everyone's thoughts." The humans don't want this war. They never did. We wanted it. Hopefully it will end soon enough, and I am so selling human soda once I get out of the army. But, can you imagine if they wanted a war? Imagine if they forgot they had rules, or decided that they didn't apply to us?" The prisoners contemplated an uncertain future.

The human private, looking chastised and worried entered the Commander office. Several of the staff raised amused eyes at the unlucky noob. No doubt some suitable task would be found for him.

His demeanor changed as he closed the door. He stood straighter, years fell onto his face. "Well Commander, you haven't lost your touch. Your timing was perfect, the scenario ideal. I'll be recommending another promotion, I'm afraid." The Commander, sitting behind his desk, surrounded by papers, groaned," Not again. Can't you just leave me in peace? Anyway did you decide?"

Despite the uniform, it was no private that sat down across from him. " Yes, yours was the final camp I needed to see. We will agree to the cease fire and the prisoner exchange. This war is over. None of them want to fight us again, the Alliance wasted their money on this one. It's over, for now." He smiled, a smile that had worried people before.

"And now we're ready for the next one, so they did us a favour there. Always handy, having an enemy at the gates, if you're in the army."