We sailed back for Vetulonia the next morning. I couldn’t wait for us to reach the land. I found ships tediously boring. I read, exercised, helped the crew and, in the evenings, I played cards, drank wine and smoked. But by the fourth day the routine was eating me alive. On the fourth evening, when I was lost in my thoughts and contemplated drinking the Elixir once we returned to Vetulonia, Brutus approached me.
“Antonius, tell me of yourself, of your parents, of your brother, friends, ambitions…”
And I did. I told him everything, more than I intended to. Back in Academy I was always terrified of people finding out how dysfunctional my family was. But after the expedition and everything that happened, I stopped caring what anyone might think of me. People have a way of saying this and it sounds pretentious, but that was how I felt. I even told him how sometimes I felt like a pretender. As if I’m always in the middle of a card game, trying to outsmart and by that, control the person I’m conversing with. That when I’m sad, I hide it, even from myself and that true intimacy, whether it be romantic or brotherly, feels wrong. I wasn’t sure why I told him this, I wasn’t even certain those were my true feelings.
Like usually, it took him some time to respond. But when he did, this is what he told me:
“If I was your father, I’d tell you to leave the Cohort and live a life of a regular citizen. If you did that I think you’d have a chance at happiness. Of an unburdened existence. But as your knighted superior I recommend you change divisions. Shift to Spy division, become a Wolf. You'd be perfect for them. Your need for control makes you observant. The rather inconsistent idealism you posses makes you practical. And the fear of intimacy keeps you from forming any deeper personal relationships. This trait comes in handy if you're living the life of a Wolf. They can't afford love, always being on the move.
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I also sense a pinch of rage coming from you, Antonius, although it’s well hidden. All these qualities would make you an excellent spy. If you wish, I can arrange everything for you. I know both Captains very well, and the matter can be resolved with a few conversations. You’d spend a few months in their camp learning the tricks of the mind. How to be convincing, how to act in certain ways to get from people what you need, things of that sort.
But, once again I’ll pretend to be a gentle, considerable father and tell you not to do it and to leave the Cohort. If you leave the Cohort, you’ll have a chance to disassemble the defense walls you have built around yourself. Remember my words from a moment ago: an unburdened existence.
If you choose to remain in the Cohort, you’ll be forced to make hard decisions, to take lives and delegate them as you see fit. You’ll make mistakes that will keep you up at night, that will make you howl at the full moon! The walls will become thicker! The dungeons where you keep that true, happy little boy that is afraid to come out will become darker. Colder. And monsters that dwell inside will grow in numbers. Yes, you will do some good deeds, perhaps great many of them, but it will be at an enormous personal cost. Don’t answer me now! Think about this, think long and think hard. When we reach Vetulonia, you'll give me an answer. The decision will define your life, for better or worse.”
He sighed and looked into my eyes with great affection. I’m embarrassed to say that my eyes got watery and so I looked away. He padded my shoulder and went to the stern of the ship. I turned around and glanced at the endless blue water surrounding us. The sun was shining strong and seagulls sang their song while they glided above us.
I knew I wouldn’t leave the Cohort, like Otho, or Cecilia and Flavia. I couldn’t see myself as a regular citizen, an ordinary person. I didn’t have that in me. When Brutus uttered the words unburdened existence, I had no idea what he was talking about.