A day and a half later we boarded the ship that would sail us to Attica. I felt a bit foolish while boarding, but I came to somewhat accept Brutus’s words. During the ride to Sentinum we didn’t talk much, but the silence wasn’t an uncomfortable one. I guess we both had lots to think about. I thought of Nicola, Antonia, my mother and brother and father as well, and Marius and Otho.

The sun was shining strong and although the air was cold, it was pleasant to be out on the deck. We left Vetulonia behind and entered into the domain of water and winds. An endless blue horizon surrounded our ship. I somewhat naively hoped I’d see Titus among the crew.

Just as I was about to sit down and start reading the book of Alena’s life, Brutus approached me. I dropped the book back into my bag.

“I’m not bothering, am I?” he asked with courtesy.

“No, not at all.”

“I wanted to ask if you came to peace with our actions.”

“I did. And I understand. I admit, it feels a bit foolish, going back and forth just for pretend. But I do realize what we’re doing. But… Back in Academy I imagined being in the Cohort would be different.”

“Your words remind me of my pledge days when I felt the same as you do now. It was right about when our armies were cleansing the Dwarvenlands of Orcs. No one enjoyed the massacre we committed, yet it was needed. The mass killings made many hard men disillusioned with the world and what it means to serve. Being in the Cohort, we have to make hard decisions for the good of the majority and that’s a heavy burden to carry around.

When my grandfather came back from the Orc war, he was different. He smiled, he talked of battles, skirmishes, he even laughed. But he wasn’t the same. He had bags under his eyes and sometimes he’d shake violently. My mother later told me that some nights he would wake up from a nightmare screaming and crying. Once, he fell down to his knees in front of her, told her how he’d been forced to kill Orc children. His wicked deeds weren’t motivated by false idealism or ignorance, it was a kill or be killed situation. An orc child is as violent as its parents, and as soon as it can hold a blade, it’ll go straight for you.

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I’m not trying to provide him with excuse. I believe there were far better ways to deal with the Orcs. The vast massacre we and the Dwarves committed... But the situation was dire. The panic and fear empowered our cruelty and as a result rationalized the easiest way to deal with them.

One spring day my grandfather couldn’t take any more and hung himself from an apple tree. I was the one who found him. I was on leave and decided to visit home. It was unreal... Seeing him like that... Swaying in the warm spring wind… That day I was enraged with my Academy masters for not teaching us what war is. Or Cohort masters as well, for that matter. There are no winners in war. Everyone loses. Tiberius knows this. Most of his Captains as well. So be sure, young Antonius... The decisions this administration takes are thought out in great detail.”

“It’s true what you say… Neither the Academy nor the Cohort camp prepares you for these vile schemes. I never realized before how absurd trivialities define destinies of countless innocent people. How everything is tainted by ego. And how good people must sometimes commit disgusting acts, and at the same time somehow keep their humanity. No one talks of this... How come they don’t change that? Tiberius and others? You’re a Knight, surely you could petition with the Captain of education to change this.”

“I thought of that, so did Tiberius. We had more than once talked of this. But Tiberius decided against it, arguing it would not make much difference. Young people are cocky. Talk to them of horrible things, they don’t hear it. They are charmed by idealism and idealism alone. The disillusionment that happens when one joins the Cohort serves as a great filter of sorts. Some can take it, many can’t. And those who can’t have no business serving in the Cohort… I’ll leave you to your book now and take a nap down bellow. I hope you found some sense in my words and understand what we’re trying to accomplish.”

“I do,” I answered sincerely, although I felt sorrow and even some fear. Brutus nodded and walked away. I sat down on the deck and read until sunset. After that I ate dinner, some fish and bread and an apple. Then I played cards with the crew. I drank more beer than I should have, but there was nothing for me to do and I wanted to sleep a dreamless night.