Nicole’s hair bounced slightly as she sat down, looking annoyed and pressing the play button on her phone, still in her maid outfit, but with a beer instead of a soda.

“Hello, I’m virtual Izleena, and this is the interactive program for interspecies dating.”

“I like this lady, she seems friendly.” Vinn smiled.

“Thank god, how do we use this thing?” Nicole asked.

“I have voice recognition software or can be synced to your smartglass phone. In fact you can change my appearance and demeanor if you like.”

“No, sexy alien lady is fine.” She sighed.

“Please begin by selecting your gender and species.”

“Human Female.” Nicole yawned.

“Excellent. Now please select the species of your partner or potential partner.”

“Delmarian male.” She yawned. The screen changed from a pleasant green border to a red border, and virtual Izleena’s outfit became suddenly more professional and white. Some sad music began playing.

“Thank you for your clarification. Before we begin, we would like to remind you that as a citizen of an Osirian-owned Delmar colony, you are welcome to free healthcare at any time, including our top emergency response drones. If you have not filled out a will or medical emergency guide, we advise doing so now. Would you like to register now via this hologram?” she smiled.

“Is this an ad? Do we have ads in educational holograms now?” she asked.

“Not usually.” Vinn grimaced.

“This is part of the interspecies guide, and based on your selections, we have strongly recommended before proceeding that you are made aware of these services. In the event of an emergency, your medical charts you filled upon moving to Delmar M44 are already on file, but your section marked “death and near death” care seems to be missing. Though optional, we require you to verbally confirm avoiding the waver before proceeding.”

“Wait, so because I’m married to a Delmarian you have an automatic death warning?” she asked.

“We believe in being prepared for all scenarios, both unlikely and inevitable.”

“Oh this just got alarming. So If I had picked like Eridani, or Reptilian or Chaffee on the loading screen, would there be an ad for life insurance or would we just be right into the sex instructions?” she asked the hologram.

“These 3 selections have the standard human allergen warnings, but no life insurance warning.” Virtual Izleena smiled.

“Oh great so it’s not standard overkill, my husband specifically comes with a mandatory waver to sign in case I die or need an E-vac.” Nicole huffed.

“It could be worse honey.” Vinn whispered. “Virtual lady, open a second window for copulating advise for a human female and an Osirian male…just for comparison.

“Loading copulation program for Human Osirian sex…” she smiled, pausing momentarily as the screen turned entirely black and beeped loudly.

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“Do not attempt. Would you like me to contact suicide prevention assistance?” She asked.

“No, cancel the window. It was hypothetical.” She replied, frantically trying to cancel the warning.

“That’s wonderful. Have a fantastic day.” Virtual Izleena smiled, closing the second window. You can proceed to your previous selection now.”

“See? At least we didn’t get that warning. That’s pretty much just guaranteed death.” Vinn shrugged. Nicole plopped her face into her palms and let out a slight muffled scream, kicking her feet in frustration. “Are we really doing this? Are we really about to watch alien sex ed like a couple of highschoolers and then try and recreate the recommended safety instructions?” she pouted.

“Why else did we load the video?”

“I don’t know.” She said half moaning and half dry-crying in frustration. “It’s just…I thought I was good at sex, and now I’m entirely lost again. I don’t know what to do, are there rituals? Are they required? Do you have species specific positions we don’t? And we’re not even mentioning the obvious…” she said violently gesturing her hand towards his crotch. “Compatibility. I’ve never had sex with an alien before. Have you had sex with an alien before?” she asked crossing her arms.

“Nope. Never even attempted it. Just Delmarian.” He admitted.

“Should we just wing it? Should we just get really drunk and start doing shit? We know it’s gonna be weird, we both know we’re clueless and bound to do things that makes no sense, do we wanna follow the instructions like normal people or do we just wanna be weird and see how doomed or fine this whole thing is gonna be?”

I’ve been asking myself that for days. I have no clue. Most married Demlarians have sex like 10-30 minutes after the bead exchange. I’ve made no moves for 5 days because I didn’t know if humans had a 30 day waiting period or the female chooses the initiation, I mean you did the proposal, I assumed you’d initiate the sex and then you just never did and I’m thinking…is there a mating dance I need to do and I’m just bombing this whole thing? What do we do here?” Vinn asked.

“We drink. We do the same thing 2 virgins do that don’t know what to do, except we’re smart and communicating how lost we are, so we’re on the same page at least. It’s high school prom, we know it might happened, I got the dress on, we’re in your car at the make-out spot. You brought some wine coolers, and we’ve spent an hour sipping garbage booze and listening to music waiting for one of us to make the move. That’s the roleplay. Here, get whatever drunk you think is stupid drunk, but not whiskey dick drunk.”

“I don’t know what any of that means.”

“You wobble when you walk, you’re definitely not driving home, everything is a little blurry but you’re still able to form sentences and get an erection. Does alcohol even affect you like that? Do you even get whiskey-dick? Oh my god you didn’t go to prom, you were in a military school. I can’t even use the roleplay scene. We’re so screwed.”

“I think I got this, You go do the thing you just described and I’ll do what I did when I had my first time, and then we’ll just…meet in the middle. Literally. Hope it lines up…literally.” He squinted.

“We’re gonna need a stepstool or something.” She sighed.

“No you’re light I can pick you up fairly easily.”

“That sounds like something the video probably tells you no to do. But you know what you’re a weird Delmarian and I’m a weird human and bad Nicole doesn’t play by the rules. She gets drunk and has prom sex like BOSS!”

“How about you take the lead on this because you seem very energetic and I don’t think you can physically harm me if you tried, and one of us has to just do our thing. If your thing sucks, I can just say hey that’s not doing it for me, but if my thing goes badly that medical evac drone won’t fit through the elevator shaft and I am definitely going to prison.” He noted.

That’s good thinking. I’m gonna shotgun 2 of these, get whitegirl wasted and just give you the performance and if it’s super lame you just keep being supportive because if I clown this up badly and you tell me I’m failing I’ll just cry and lay on the floor. You can tell me what was bad in the morning when I’m sober and rested up. We’ll fix it next round. Sound like a plan?”

“Sure. Why not. You wanna record it for review later?”

“No. No I do not. My mascara is running, my hair is a mess, I’m frantic. I do not look cute and confident right now.”

“Sure you do…except confident. You do not look confident.”

“Get ready to have your world rocked or flooded with absolute disappointment.” She said taking a few deep breaths and pacing the floor, chugging the cans in session. “You can do this bitch. You are a QUEEN and queens aren’t quitters.” She said locking eyes and getting her game face on. “Fuck it, Yolo.” She said, sprinting half the distance and then just leaping towards the couch.