“YOU DID WHAT!?” Hollered Dee as another 2 humans stood in the background and Nicole tried not to cry.”
“I fucked up. I got accidentally married.”
“This is exactly what I was talking about. You’re dating an alien you know nothing about and you don’t even know their culture!” Dee ranted as her other friend tried to be the voice of reason.
“Dee, calm down I’m sure this misunderstanding can be fixed easily, right jack?” Asked the tall redheaded girl with the pixie cut, looking to her male counterpart as if he had the solution.
“Why would I know this? This is Delmar M44, I’m human, I’ve never been married, let alone to Delmarian. They’re a very ritualistic species of superstitious and often nonsensical rules. You know if you get in a fight over a parking spot you can legally declare FUPAR, and if the other guy accepts you just fight to the death in the next schedules arena ceremony. There’s one Friday if you wanna go, nosebleed seats are free.”
“That’s not helpful, Jack.” Whispered the redhead.
“, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m being realistic. What exactly did you agree to, Nicole?” Jack inquired.
“We were playing an online game at his place and I forgot something back home, so I said “wow, we’re always together, we may as well keep some supplies at the other’s house, or I could just move in with you and save time.” She quoted. “I was mostly joking. He looked really flattered and said “you wanna move in with me?” and I thought for a second and figured why not? I never do anything spontaneous and I thought it would be for a few days to sorta see what it was like. It sounded fun.”
“Did he give you anything?”
“Yea he gave me this little skull bead he wears in his hair, and I wore it. And then he gave me a big long hug and…That’s a wedding ring isn’t it?”
“Yea. More or less. That’s a hair bead totem male Delmarians wear to show they’re officially an adult, and by accepting it, you signed a legal contract.”
“Why is it a skull? Dee asked.
“It’s Delmar, death is kind of the vibe? Their national symbol for peace is a broken sword covered in blood. You can buy a fresh spine in the giftshop of the arena. Usually whoever died in the last one. They just bleach it and run some string through the middle.” Jack explained.
“Nicole…Your husband’s entire species is in a death cult. Good job listening to me when I was being “RaCiSt” Dee said, gyrating her entire body to emphasize the point. “Nicole Marie Evergreen, you have pulled a stupid maneuver.”
“Are we even sure that’s still her full name?” Jack asked. “I don’t know if Delmarian wives still take the males last name, but they still do that on Earth so just being human alone might make that legal.”
“Do you even know your own last name right now?” barked Dee. “You could be Nicole UngaFluffmatron right now and you don’t even know. What if you can’t even pronounce your own last name? You know Delmarian names are mostly just long-ass chains of bunnny-mumble sounds. Do you even know Vinn’s real name?”
“Vendetta.”
“That’s his tittle, honey. They give them title names, his legal name is probably 12 syllables long and requires peanutbutter on the roof of your mouth to accent correctly.”
“Oh my god I don’t know my own name or my husband’s name, what is wrong with me Dee?” she panicked.
And worse, what if some other Delmarian chick wanted him and you have to Fupar for it. They kill in that arena. What… IF. YOU. HAVE. TO. FIGHT. A. Bitch. You’ll die. You’re tiny. We should just leave town.” Dee said, already packing.
“How? It’s a moon made up of an underground series of cities, Dee, there’s no countryside or wilderness, it’s just subways that lead to other cities! You could volunteer as tribute. Fight in my place. You’re good at fighting.”
“Oh screw that, I’ll throw down with some normal human chick for you, but a 300 pound 6 foot moose-ho with an axe and steroids for blood, no thanks, I’m good. We’re just gonna run away.”
“Everyone shut up!” Yelled Jack. “Nobody’s getting Fupar’d, that’s just between Delmarian. The Osirian that owns this place tried to make Fupar illegal, but they had a vote and amended the law. It’s legal between adult Delmarian but not any other species. You’re safe.”
“How do you know, You’re a carpenter on a construction crew!” Dee snipped.
“And I’m the one who pulled some strings to get you to this moon, remember? I worked directly for Gizzy Greggerious, she’s on the high council. She was one of the people who voted on that law…granted she voted to keep Fupar legal for Osirians too because she is trying to overthrow the big grey Delmarian on the council she calls Gandalf. She’s pretty sketchy and sinister, but I know her. She likes me, we’ve had beers together, her son runs the whole construction industry here, he’s a great guy. That’s why you all came here. When Vicky told me she had cancer, I broke protocol and went to Gizzy. You know Earth’s healthcare system is trash and her odds were not good.
I couldn’t just let her die, so I pulled some strings, I broke security, I could have lost my job, I could have been executed for that, Most of Earth’s civilian population doesn’t even know aliens exist. But I vouched for Vicky so she could get treatment, and everyone else got involved. You people can’t just let anything be, you have to dig for the worst scenario, but look at where we are. is alive and healthy, all of you have insanely advanced healthcare, they cured your Diabetes, Dee, I copuld use a ‘you’re welcome Jack, thank you for sticking your neck out to beg an alien overlord to let a buncha frigging people break security and move worlds.’ You were all in debt up to your eyes, failing businesses, Hell the only reason I met was because you couldn’t hire anyone to fix your air conditioner and I felt bad for you. I was on Earth vacation, I didn’t wanna do a free AC job on a Sunday. You got a fully paid off mansion now and a booming business doing almost nothing on a world with an incredible economy and great housing, right on the damn beach overlooking the ocean. Simulated ocean, obviously, it’s a lake and a screen, but you can’t tell it’s not Malibu beach.” he ranted.
“What’s your point, Jack?” Dee asked, crossing her arms as spoke up.
“His point is that he knows this place better then we do. I trusted him when none of you did and I’m probably alive for it. Everyone of you doubted him and said he was suspicious and plotting something and you didn’t trust him, and he still basically saved all our asses. Trust him for once when he says it will be okay. Jack, is it going to be okay?” she said Hugging Nicole as she tried not to break into tears.
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“It’s going to be fine. Nobody is getting killed in an arena, nobody is getting murdered, nobody is stuck in a marriage for life. Vinn is a good guy, he’s weird but he’s one of the nicest guys on the crew. That’s why I recommended him when we needed a new demo guy. We go way back. He’ll take care of Nicole, I’ll talk to Gizzy about loopholes or exceptions in the laws, this is fixable, it’s nobody’s fault. Weird shit happens in space and you just adapt. Now it may take a few days to get a meeting to talk to Gizzy, she may have to get back with us, this may take a week or 3 weeks, I don’t know, but if you have to be stuck married to a Delmarian, you should be very glad it’s Vinn. Just try and have fun, you wanted to know what it’s like dating a space jackelope, now you kinda have to, so look at it as you GET to. Look at it as an adventure, an opportunity, an experiment, and the time will pass quicker than you think, and everything will be okay. This is fixable.”
“Okay.” Nicole nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes “I trust you.”
“Trust Vinn too. He won’t hurt you. He will definitely say things that will be confusing and embarrassing and it’s gonna be strange, but you’re safe. I’ll talk to him myself. I’ll sort it out.” Jack said, trudging away.
Jack sat on the roof of the plastic human cube 2.0, it’s prefabricated skids sitting badly tilted on the soft dirt of a poorly air-lifted delivery pad. He took a swig from his beer and looked up at Vinn, towering next to him and knocking back one, tossing it in the crate full of empty bottles, presumably mostly from Vinn.
“I can’t believe I just gave her the totem bead.”
“Vinn, you’re just lonely. You met a nice girl and you misunderstood the signals, that’s all. Cultural misunderstanding.”
“Yea a misunderstanding like I always do, except this time I got married to a girl who’s looks like she just got abducted by pirates and can’t go home. She liked me a lot in the daytime when we were around people and the crew, but now that she’s stuck with me in a cave 20 meters below the ground I don’t seem quite as safe, apparently.”
“It’s not like that. You know what it’s like to leave your homeworld. You were bred for military combat and taken away when you were still a foof. The war ended before anyone even saw combat…mostly because Gizzy just leveled the enemy world in one illegal move, but then they stationed you here and you got a job blowing shit up where nobody dies.”
“Yea it’s a pretty great job. I just spent so long training that I never got to find a mate. I’m ten years old Jack, That’s like 20ish in human years. I’m just in my prime, I didn’t have to go to war, I finally got some money in the bank, but I don’t fit in with the others. I trained in a species integrated facility. I didn’t get to do the rituals and the bonding with other Delmarians. I’m kind of a screw up. You’ve seen how the ladies look at us soldiers, it’s not like your world where you guys come home heroes, we’re genetically enhanced to be intimidating and huge. Even Delmarian women don’t want our kind, they’ll just be having offspring with the perfect DNA to be taken away as soldiers too. I can’t find a military mate, I’d just get drug back into that life. I don’t wanna kill people for a living. I don’t wanna wife that does. Where does that leave me? And then I see Nicole. This weird little human thing, she’s all alone too and looks like she’s starving, her skin is deathly pale.”
“She’s half Ukrainian, that’s normal, and she’s a gamer they get very little sunlight.”
“But she just looked like some sad little rescue human. I felt bad for her, I was nice to her, I brought her some bananas, and apparently they love that. We just clicked. She’s a really odd human. You know she beat the beta release of hellsgate 2 before it was even out? I can’t get past the second level.”
“You lost me on the video game stuff but I get it. You pitied her and then you got to know her and found out she’s unique, and she liked you. She wasn’t scared of you, she didn’t treat you like a genetically enhanced fighting machine, and she didn’t treat you like one who failed to even reach combat.”
“Now I basically abducted her. How’s that for trust? You give a guy a chance and he throws a marriage bead at you at the first hint of interest. I should have known better. No female proposes to a male, especially with an unfinished house and no social status. I never even questioned it. I saw my moment and I went for it. And I took a huge shit right on the entire situation. You know when they get the marriage overturned she’s gonna leave my ass in a second. That relationship is over the moment they stamp the seals in wax.”
Nicole sat on the deck of the house, overlooking the simulated ocean, kicking her combat boots inches from the wood with a beer in her hand and next to her, drinking something in a plastic cup with a straw. She touched Nicole and she jumped half out of her skin.
“Damnit, , you know not to nudge me near the water. Freaks me out.”
“Sorry, I forgot you hate the water. We’re 6 feet back I didn’t you would jump.
“I’m just extra jumpy I guess, the whole…moving thing. Getting married like an IDIOT!” she yelled, throwing an empty bottle.
“Stop blaming yourself.” She whispered to Nicole. “I just don’t know why I screw up everything. I’m guarded, I’m creepy, I never leave the house, and everyone says I should try and meet a guy, and what do I do? I go for the first guy who looks at me with a hint of interest, get married. You know when I saw him that first day, he tripped over a board and almost ate shit right there in the unfinished basement green room. The guys chuckled. I know guys fuck with each other like that but you could see that it hurt him. He was embarrassed. What kind of 7 foot giant monster gets embarrassed and hides it from the guys? He could snap any of them like a twig and he just shuffled on instead of saying “oh fuck you guys and your moms.” Like most big guys would. Even I would, I’m a gamer, I’m aggressive as hell when embarrassed. But he just looked sad like some mangy rescue dog that didn’t adjust yet and was still skittish. You know I have a soft spot for those big doofy sad dogs in those commercials. I’d adopt them all but I can’t. The house voted no pets after the first one I brought home. How is something that big and scary so afraid to fight back?” Nicole asked.
“He’s a soldier. They’re like lab grown or something to be killing machines. He probably knows if he swung at them he’d put them in a grave. Or maybe he saw some shit and he’s just traumatized. Helicopter flashbacks every time fireworks goes off?”
“He’s a demolition specialist. He plays with bombs for fun.” Nicole added with a deadpan look.
“Good point. But you two did seem to click really fast and you’re both lonely, I get it. You jumped the gun a little and didn’t know accepting a hair bead was a damn alien marriage proposal. You might have if you read the free material, they do have holograms and shit for dating aliens, you really do need to read more culture, but still, that’s an easy mistake. You were ready to try sleeping over a few days with him just the other day, just go for it. You kinda have to now, but you love exploring haunted houses and caves, just pretend he invited you camping and you decided to spend a few days exploring dark creepy caves…except you live there now. Nicole, you dress up as goblins and elves and play games about adventures and exploring dungeons and roleplay as mythical creatures. You can’t pretend to be a Delmarian girl exploring a dungeon with your boyfriend for a while? He just has a really good costume. Just roleplay it. And please, Nicole, watch one of the cultural holograms. They’re interactive you can ask them things, they’re very helpful.” explained.
“You’re right. I told my parents I was moving to Australia and got on a ship to another world, I’ve been pretending to be live streaming from down under when I’m down underground in a moon somewhere so far we can’t even visit home without a week advance notice, security clearance and a passport. And I survived that. This should be easy for me. I just don’t know how far to take this role.”
“As far as you both feel comfortable. Now go get your hiking shorts and your elf sword and go defend the mines with your barbarian husband. He may need a healer.”
“Thanks, V. I’m gonna miss you guys.”
“We’re right down the road…well up about 80 feet, and THEN down the road. You can visit us every day, and we can see the little human cube from the second story deck. You’re gonna be fine. And you don’t have to shave your legs the entire time. I seriously doubt he’ll question it.” said, giving her a hug and discreetly sliding the last of the beers away from her as she grabbed the case and pulled it back.
“You know what, you can just have those. Maybe bring them with you, he’s probably expecting you pretty soon and you do need to be able to walk there before it’s too dark.” She added.
Nicole peered back in the distance along the glistening beach and the white sand, down the road to the little dot of light from a single lone human cube, where it suddenly took a vertical drop into a huge pit of broken rocks and debris.
“Get in character bitch. This is the role of a lifetime.” She sighed to herself, standing up and grabbing her little portable tent. “It’s Hobbit time.”