Vinn rolled into the main kitchen of the house, little reeves on a tether and a giant roll around tool crate full of Delmarian stuff.

“Weird…so I live here now.” He sighed.

“Temporarily.” Reminded Dee, sitting at the kitchen bar enjoying her cereal.

So am I sleeping in the basement or…?” he asked as Nicole skipped down the hall to greet him.

“No silly, we’re married, you’ll stay in my room.” She insisted.

“You know I just realized I’ve never been in your room before.”

“Really?” Dee asked, looking perplexed. Not once?”

“It’s a big damn house. I joined the construction crew late; everything was done except the basement and I had no reason to go venture into random girl’s rooms. So other then the kitchen and the basement I’ve not really explored this house.”

“Never snuck in there for a little action?” Dee pried.

“We didn’t date that long before getting married, Dee. By the time we got comfy enough to move past couch-acceptable cuddling she was moving into the cave. I’m kind of excited actually I get to live like a human for a while. This could be fun.” He smiled as Dee glared in annoyance. “I’m overjoyed already.”

“Where’s the meat locker? I brought some food with me. I didn’t wanna just come here and mooch all your food. I eat…kind of a lot of it.”

“Fridge is far right to the back wall, but there are 2 smaller ones on the second floor, I suggest you use the one near Nicole’s room. Mostly because I use this one and I don’t want big chunks of meat mashed into every available spot.”

“Good idea.” He said rolling the large cart along and around the corner until he realized it wouldn’t make the turn to the stairs.

“Where’s the freight elevator?” he asked.

“We don’t have one. We have stairs, and down there, we have other stairs.”

“I bet if I got a fork truck in the kitchen I could thread the tool cart right on that balcony.”

“Oh hell no you are not. These are really new marble tile floors and we got hardwood flooring in the hall. I don’t know how much a fork truck plus you and that thing weighs but you are NOT ruining my flooring. In fact we need to get you some house slippers for the same reason. Those hooves are gonna wreck the wood.”

“I mean I can’t take them off, they’re kind of my feet. Do they make slippers for hooves?”

“I dunno, figure it out. I am already Bath and Beyond that problem.”

“I don’t even know what that means.” He huffed as Nicole got between them.

“Now you two are gonna behave yourselves, you’re housemates for a while and no we can’t get a fork truck in the kitchen, we’ll just move your stuff in boxes and then roll the tool cart somewhere out of the way. And Dee he’s not gonna ruin the flooring, and if he does I’ll pay for it, I’m not making him wear hoof-slippers all damn day. It’s not like we don’t know people who do flooring cheap.” Come on big guy, let’s get you settled in.” she said assertively.

After several trips up and down the stairs filling boxes and whatever they could find to cram it into Nicole’s room, the cart was rolled out to the deck and left outside under the roofing.

“So this is the OG Nicole cave hu…bright, lotta windows. Kinda weird. Where’s the couch?”

“No couch in my room, just the bed.”

“Soooo where do I sleep?” he asked.

“Uh…on the bed.” She chuckled. He pondered the size of the bed for a moment and felt there may be a problem. You don’t think a 7 foot 3 person sleeping on a 6 foot bed poses an issue? How bout the antler?” he asked. She had a sudden moment of clarity.

“So that’s why you sleep on a couch. Shit.” She sighed.

“I’ll crash on the couch in the basement, it’s cool. We’re both familiar with that couch.”

“Well I don’t wanna sleep in my old room and have you 2 floors down while you sleep on the couch. I’ll sleep on the couch with you.” She insisted. Dee strolled to the doorway.

“So you’re back to living in a basement with no windows…that’s definitely healthy and kind of the entire point.” She sarcasm’d sarcasmously.

“This is different, it’s not a literal cave, it’s just below ground level, it’s finished and white walls and it’s the house I’ve lived in the whole time I’ve been here, right under my old room. He has to sleep somewhere, Dee. Would you like him to sleep on the floor? or maybe the big couch in the main floor entertainment area where you hang out? Just 24/7 walking past him and hogging you movie spot.” She said, crossing arms.

“Yea basement couch might work. The only issue is that we have Mel visiting tomorrow and we gave her the wet room which is right past the basement couch. So every time she comes out of her room there will be a megamoose snoring away and you on top of him. And please do not have sex on that couch.”

“Cant we move Mel somewhere else?” Nicole asked.

“She’s half Eridani aquatic, we told her we had a room in the basement with a glass wall overlooking the ocean, it’s got the new built in hot tub in the floor. You wanna tell her sorry we’re kicking you out after 2 weeks of planning and stuffing you into a guest room without the cool shit we promised?”

“So she’ll have to see a big hairy jackelope on the couch sleeping, who cares, she’ll get over it.” Nicole insisted.

“Seriously, no sex. There’s no door to that room and Mel has to go through it to get out of hers. In fact no sex in the house would be fantastic.” Dee insisted.

“Dee, we’re newlyweds and going through some traumatic times right now. Do you have sex with your boyfriend who you’re not married to in this house like every day he’s over?” she scolded.

“Yea in my room with the door closed where nobody can see or hear us.”

“We hear it.” She snidely sniped.

“Where nobody can see us. Nicole, we watched the Delmarian sex ed video. I refuse to experience that again.

“Oh you ass, we agreed you wouldn’t watch that, it’s an invasion of our privacy.”

“It’s public online educational material, anyone over 18 can view it. It’s not like it’s YOUR sex tape, but now I know what goes on and…no, there’s no room with that kind of wall clearance and soundproofing and just no.” she snipped. Vinn pondered a moment.

“Actually, the basement’s bathroom is all heavy granite tile and drains, it’s fairly roomy in th-”

“Eew…no. Guests use that bathroom.” She pointed out. Nicole took on a look of attitude, standing on her tiptoes to look about as tall as Dee.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

“Oh so random people can piss and shit in there when they come over and it’s totally fine because it spray cleans with like no effort, but a married couple’s lovemaking is just vile and unsanitary. God forbid the giant walk-in shower that steam cleans itself and has soap in it have anything dirty happen there. How ever would we get the stains out of the stainless steel rails and the waterproof granite floors and the ceramic sink? Those can only handle human sweat, drunk vomit and shitsplatter. Clearly an alien PUBE is crossing the line.”

“It’s not soundproof!” I’ve heard people farting in there from the couch area before. If you can hear a fart, you can hear a wildebeest in heat getting it on.”

“You do realize I’m still here, right?” Vinn said, standing up for himself for once. “You know that’s extremely offensive to say. Nicole uses the playful ones but you may as well be dropping racial slurs with that one.”

“Good job Dee.” Nicole sighed.

“Have I ever once said to you ‘Move your shaved monkey ass out the way Dee?’ or ‘Keep your weird chimp-tits off the counter, you’ll leave marks with your primate sweat glands and your…weird smelling bare feet.’ Now have I?”

“You asked Nicole out with a bouquet of bananas.” She scoffed as Nicole defended him.

“That was a cultural misunderstanding, he was concerned for my health, and it was fucking adorable. Do you sit around planning for Mel to arrive chuckin down aquarium rocks for the Fishbitch?” she said as footsteps rounded the corner and Mel stood there blinking.

“So this is a bad time, I can see that.” She said turning around.

“No, sorry Mel I was making a point here, it was meant to be impactful. I was trying to be offensive to Dee, not to you.” Nicole said, turning flush and embarrassed.

“I don’t mind. Is that a Delmarian on the couch?” she smiled. “Hey buddy!” she waved.

“Hello new person, welcome to the circus. All the weirdos like us get the basement. “He greeted. Dee flapped her arms in frustration.

“So you’re early.” She smiled through her grit teeth.

“I had to leave the hotel early, there’s some kind of security thing and they’re moving like 3 buildings. Just…moving them. The whole buildings, right down the road. Strangest thing you ever saw. They called and told me my flight was moved early.”

Dee paced the floor to calm herself.

“So fine, you can use the bathroom discreetly but I doubt Mel will be thrilled hearing it, and certainly do not have sex on that couch with her down here. That’s ridiculous. Mel, How would you like to come out of your room and see…” she paused, trying to avoid anything that could be a racial slur. “Delmarian sex party 6 feet from your walking path?” she said, feeling like she made a strategic move.

“Oh, I don’t mind at all. I can just look straight ahead, unless you guys…don’t want me looking straight ahead.” Mel said, lifting her eyebrows and waiting for reactions. “Ha, just kidding, but seriously I could put my hand up and just walk right past you’d probably never see me. I’m very discreet.”

“You have pink hair and practically glowing skin, even in the throws of Delmarian passion they’d notice a neon mermaid shuffling by…why am I arguing this? Just use the bathroom. Please. Or else me and silverback, are gonna get it on right on the kitchen counter, every morning.” She threatened.

“This is a really interesting house.” Mel smiled. “It’s just adventures and drama and nude bodies all day.” She clapped, taking her luggage to her wetroom to settle in.

“Ha.” Nicole stated.

“Nicole…please?” Dee begged.

“We’ll be discreet if you let it go. You know we would have probably thought of the bathroom in 2 seconds even if you didn’t grill us about it. Now you made it weird for everyone.” Nicole scolded as she stormed off. Mel stepped back out in a bikini and checked to see if Dee was gone.

“So just to clarify, that was mostly sarcasm fighting, and there’s not a swap policy or any group thing here?” Mel whispered.

“Sarcasm.” Vinn nodded.

“Shucks, well I’m headed to beach for a swim, you two just do whatever.” She said, bouncing her way down the hall. They both blinked in unison and amazement, at many thing both said and seen in the last few moments.

“Vinn, it’s a good thing you don’t like tits.” Nicole said, wide eyed and distracted.

I’m sorry, what, I was distracted.” He said, as she playfully smacked him in the side. “You don’t have to like something to notice it. I’d notice a plane crashing into the basement and probably be distracted for a second. Give me a break.”

The house was dark, Dee roaming the basement for whatever reason. Sipping a glass of juice, she peered into the basement den at the sleeping weirdos.

“What are we watching?” Whispered Mel, startling Dee into splashing juice on her face and shirt.

“I’m just checking on them.”

“They look like they kinda have this down to an art on their own.” She whispered back.

“I just…She’s my best friend, she’s not been well.”

“She looks pretty well to me. Oh don’t give me that frown, be happy for them. Look at them. She’s all goofy looking slumped over that undersized couch and she’s laying on top of him sound asleep and smiling. Look how he’s got one hand deathgripping the blanket and the other hand on her back. Even in his sleep, he’s got her tucked in where she can’t slide off and fall. And tell me that doesn’t look super cozy, just a big bearskin rug under you and a fleece blanket tightly over you, just moving slowly up and down about 3 inches as he breathes. He’s both the lover and the actual bed, and he’s practically rocking her to sleep. How can you not find that adorable?”

“I don’t know. It is pretty adorable. I don’t even know anymore if I’m just nosey or overly concerned.”

“I’m being nosey right now, and it seems fine. I’d be just as concerned with my best friend, but you don’t have to fight them over it. Just let it be. It’s a beautiful thing, love. Why would you wanna make that more complicated? You know if you got to know Vinn personally, as a friend, you might just be happy that two of your friends are in love and happy. Both of them could be doing far worse.” She said taking a sip of her drink. Dee slowly turned her head and stared at the glass.

“That’s not milk is it?” she asked.

“Nope.”

“Are you drinking Nicole’s nasty protein sludge?”

“I’m sorry, was that not like an anyone drink? It was in a huge blender in the fridge. I assumed it was like everyone margaritas. I don’t think there was a name on it.”

“Because it’s raw gelatinous fluid that smells like it’s made of blended fish and eggs…because it probably is. The smell alone…Did you microwave it?”

“I tried it cold but it just seemed like a warm mug kinda drink. Have you tried it?”

“Ugh…no. That’s not something most humans would even drink if you paid them…well maybe if you paid them a lot but definitely for free.”

“Then why is Nicole drinking it?”

“I don’t know, she’s been acting weird lately, like she get this dizzy looking sick vibe sometimes and now she craves this…god-awful Elmer’s glue shake all the time.”

“Can Delmarians get humans pregnant?” she asked, sipping her mug with a smile.

“No. It’s medically impossible. I watched the educational video.

“Oh, I love that one. It’s so fascinating. I just thought maybe…like in rare cases or something.”

“Please don’t put that into my head. I’m already disturbed by what you’re drinking.

“All natural protein, vitamins, nice texture. I drink stuff like this all the time. It’s not weird for Eridani, especially my subset.

“Yea why does every Eridani seem like their own species.”

“We’re like canines, we adapt to our environment faster than most species. True Eridani can even change subsets over the course of their lifetime if they move somewhere different. Is Nicole maybe halfsies?” she suggested.

“No, we’ve seen her med scans, she’s totally human. In fact I know her parents, and they’re both human. They don’t even know aliens exist. It has to be psychological. She has this childhood phobia about water. It terrifies her. We had the pool made 4 feet deep so she can touch bottom and she still just sits on the side and splashes her feet. She won’t get in. She won’t get within ten feet of the ocean…fake ocean whatever. We have a deck hanging over the water and she wont go within 3 feet of the rails and it’s like 3 feet deep along the deck. But ever since she moved in with Vinn she’s had this weird hypnotic thing where she “follows the water” and ends up in the damn dangerous tunnels where she could get lost or killed. And she has nightmares after about them flooding and drowning her. Now she’s eating raw fish and drinking…that abomination in a mug. It’s like her phobia has become its own entity and it takes over sometimes. I don’t like leaving her alone. What if she sleepwalks right into the ocean?”

“That’s very sad, but she was afraid of water before she met Vinn. What if you’re just connecting two completely different things because they happened a the same time and you need someone physical to blame? You can’t yell at fear itself or bad luck or trauma, so what if you just assume he’s part of the problem instead of part of the help?”

“Shit. I never thought about that. She’s not suddenly phobic of hair or antler, she’s not having nightmares about the running of the bulls festival or eating raw chicken covered in hot sauce…What if I am just blaming Vinn for something random? Am I the asshole?”

“Maybe, I couldn’t say…your case evidence does seem to be building.”

“Awe, maaan. I’m the asshole. Oh please stop gesturing like I’m gonna try that goop. You’re right about most of that but unless you got like 5 grand and a bucket that’s not going near my mouth.”

“Oookey. Your loss. This stuff is super expensive pre-made and then you got all the gross preservatives and it’s just not as good as the fresh stuff.” She sighed.

“Okay we gotta leave, this just feels invasive, the smell is horrifying and now his hand’s on her ass and I need to go to bed.”

“Okay, I’m gonna go for a night swim. See you in the morning.” She said sashaying her way down the hall and up the stairs. Dee stood in the dark basement stairwell.

“I swear sometimes I think I’m the token human of the house.” She sighed.