Nicole checked her phone to make sure she wasn’t getting home late, still wearing her cat ears and earbuds as she briskly walked from her old home to the new one. Before she even made it to the entrance, Vinn was rushing to meet her.
“Vinn you don’t have to greet me in a rush every time I come home. I’m not gonna fall off the elevator or run away.”
“I have something for you and it needs a little bit of warning or a form of sugar coating. I don’t know what that means entirely.”
“Oh good grief, what else, is there a blood drinking ceremony or something?”
“No, it’s not even close to a holiday. This is a good surprise, I’m sure of it, but I wanted to build the hype.” He grinned excitedly. Here is a blindfold and I would prefer you hold my hand because some of the rails are missing from the recent project.”
“You know I normally like creepy surprises and blindfolds but recently the surprises have been wildly hit and miss so is it okay if we speed this part up?” she asked impatiently.”
“Just look.” He said, sliding the blindfold off. Nicole was standing at the rail where the floating top floor reached out to one of the wall cutouts, this one had siding and a front door.
“Wow, what the hell did you do?” she said peering into the room, as if Willy Wonka himself had opened the doors to a land of wonder.
“I modified one of the rooms. It was going to be for storage originally but I decided to make you a safe space instead. I can store shit somewhere else. I can always make more rooms, we have a shitload of expired explosives left.”
“We are definitely getting back to that point later and don’t you dare take that away from me, but this is insane.” She gasped, twirling like a proverbial Alice in a slightly more demonic wonderland of her design.
“I looked up some of your tattoos and built a custom room using the color scheme and some old movie posters. I had a few posters printed, some bands from your younger years. Your friend Dee was a great source of material, that hopefully makes it less stalker-ish and more magical.” He said with relief.
“The explanation sort of defeats the magic part, but it does make it less stalker-ish. How did you get all of this in here so fast, I’ve been gone like 9 hours?”
“I still don’t think you understand the level of technological advancement that this world has to offer, but mostly magic. I did have to rush order a custom human cube and disassemble it for the parts. I’ve been trying to understand human females, turns out I only needed to understand human Nicole. So I took a lot of inspiration and additions to the human cube and instead of a disassembled human cube, I made a disassembled Nicole cube. I also immediately regret how that sounded out loud and hope the mystical wonder of the room distracted you from hearing it.” He puckered.
“Nope, heard it pretty clearly.”
“Fuck.”
“No it’s funny, and kinda morbidly cute. It’s like you made a room out of me so I could hide inside myself for a while.”
“Oh thank the gods you got the concept, we were missing a lot of those the last few days and It was concerning me. This took a LOT of work.”
“Is that why the room is so short? Because you made it me size?”
“Well a safe place to hide inside yourself should be private, and Dee specifically said you liked Cedar flooring so I just built up enough cedar flooring to get the room height to 6 feet. You can be alone here any time you want because I literally cannot cram my furry ass through that doorway and I couldn’t stand up in there if I did. I had to put the Skylight glass in from the outside or I might have trapped myself in there and that would have really ruined the magic. That skylight should help you feel less underground. It’s the closest to the surface.”
“It’s nice. Doesn’t feel like a basement. Just feels like a home.”
“I mean we are technically still in a basement, the moon’s entire surface is void of life and inhospitable, the entire city is a mile under solid rock, but the Osirians did a really good job on the roofs hologram grid. People in here keep forgetting we’re underground. It’s both a compliment and also a source of occasional psychosis, but you seem fine, you are agoraphobic anyway, right?”
“Not really, I just…prefer places where a lot of people can’t be in at once.”
“Hence the inside-out Nicole room. I just keep making that worse, would you like to name it yourself so I can just use that, please?”
“Honestly doesn’t matter. It’s perfect: The white walls, gamer lighting, and the weird pink and black carpet. Where did you get pink and black striped carpet?”
“I bought pink carpet and black carpet and frantically cut it up into strips. It’s not even tacked down, it’s actually very dangerous to walk on for someone who takes fall damage, but I’ve ordered something legit, it’s just on shipping delay. Just don’t trip and die until it arrives in 2-30 business days. Why do I even pay for the express shipping on this shit?” he asked as she gave him a big sudden hug, awkwardly trapping him with just his head in the doorway.
“I promise I won’t die for 30 business days, but the room needs one more thing.”
“Bathroom. I knew it. Ran out of space, I would tear it all out and blow a hole in the back wall but that’s another project. I’m setting up a pretty special game simulator room you’re gonna love. Seriously don’t go in there, I wanna save that reveal. It’s a whole thing.” He grinned.
“I don’t need you to build me everything in the world.”
“Trust me; you’ll be glad I got this one. You better, it was not cheap, and I cannot return it. No pressure.”
“Vinn, the one thing this room still needs is a wider door so you can crawl in too. The whole point of an inside out Nicole room is to be crammed inside with all the weird creepy stuff that makes me feel safe. So how can I really get the full use of it without the biggest creepy thing I need in here? You. But I’m sure your other gifts are very special too.”
“I think I’m finally getting the hang of this.”
“But yea the bathroom would have been cool; it’s like a 2 minute walk down 2 flights of stairs to the nearest one. This place was not designed for humans. If you could, in any practical way put something on the same floor level, that would be amazing.”
“I’ll get the explosives. I can wait till you are at work.”
“Don’t you dare. I wanna push the button. Please tell me you have some oversized steampunk safety goggles.
“Safety goggles…I keep hearing about those things.”
Jack strolled to the mansion, yawning and stretching and looking forward to some alone time with his girlfriend as a very fast trudging Dee approached him, ruining his expectations entirely.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Jack, we need to go check on her.”
“Dee, it’s been one night, she came to work, and she probably just left. Why the sudden urgency.
“I have this 6th sense about things; I know when my friends are in danger. I’ve been trying to ignore it but she was so depressed all day and left looking terrible, and then right after that I felt the house shake slightly. Vinn said the Demo was done the other day, what if the place caved in? What if she is hurt, what if she ran away?”
“Dee, she’s not depressed, she’s tired. She’s probably not sleeping well yet. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll go with you, under the conditions that when nothing is wrong not only do you explain to Vicki that it was entirely you that delayed our plans, but also that to apologize for it you will just go leave for the afternoon and give us at least 4 hours alone in the house on the one day everyone else is gone, yet here we are hiking down to check on Nicole because you felt a slight quiver in the ground and got a feeling.”
“Okay fine but if she’s hurt you’re gonna feel like a huge dick.” She insisted.
They knocked on the door of the cube, noticing it seemed more tilted than usual. Dee peaked into the window between the slightly cracked blinds looking for anything nefarious.
“They’re not here.” She whispered.
“They probably went out to a movie, or dinner, or went on a walk down the beach. You realize this moon is just striped with blackstone and despite being the best foundation for homes, there is a lot of mining that goes on in a mining moon, and if they hit the same blackstone vein miles away with a heavy demo charge you might still feel a little quake.” He assured, just before both of them collapsed from the sudden shutter of the ground. The both took on a look of worry and rushed to the elevator that was blocked by a chain and tape. They got down and carefully squeezed under it, hanging on tightly to the rusty elevator as it slowly squeaked it’s way down, both praying there wasn’t a second explosion while they were still suspended. They got to the bottom and the lights turned red, a security siren going off. Jack quickly texted Vinn the words “Do not call police, we’re in the basement.” And after a moment, the alarms stopped. They proceeded into the dusty basement chasm and noticed a stack of wooden crates with a steel door propped in front of it. Vinn stood up, looking confused and removing his safety glasses.
“What the hell man? I blocked that elevator off for a reason.”
“We just ducked under it, it wasn’t very secure.” Jack scolded.
“Well I assumed anyone just visiting would be smart enough to take the hint that it meant do not enter, since everyone I know is in construction and knows I’m a demolition expert. You could have both been killed by flying rocks and shit.”
“Where’s Nicole?” Barked Dee.
From behind the barricade popped up a very giddy Nicole, wearing her usual skirt and tank top combination, but with the addition of knee and elbow pads, huge steampunk safety goggles, earmuffs, an old army helmet and a gigantic beaming smile.
“We’re playing with explosives!” She yelled far louder than necessary.
“Isn’t that extremely dangerous?” Dee asked.
“WHAT!?” she asked. Vinn sighed and lifted up a riot shield with a couch cushion taped to it and pointed out the barrier and the excessive gear she was wearing like some kid who got to play with daddy’s oversized army gear.
“Dee, this above and beyond ESPLOSHA regulated safety standards and the only violation of demo protocol is the part where two people ducked under a chain on private property during a blasting operation with zero warning. So yes, thanks to you this was an extremely dangerous situation. Look, I know you sell merch and do product reviews for a living, and that’s a very physical and laborious job that must stress you out greatly, but some of us have college level safety courses on handling explosives and though I do sometimes act a bit laxed on my own safety, I take the safety of others very seriously, especially Nicole. Look how excessive that is. I know you don’t like me, I’m not sure of it’s a racism thing or you just act like that to all of your friends boyfriends and husbands…hopefully that because it’s from a place of love and not just bitchiness, but I’m trying to have some quality time having fun with my wife, and I can see now that we really need to put up that door in front of the elevator as the next project.”
“Yes, quality time with your loved ones.” Jack said looking back at Dee. “That’s always a sacred and private thing people don’t want interrupted.”
“Dee I’m fine!” Nicole said, still grinning and almost skipping her way over, earmuffs off and still wearing the giant wobbly helmet. “We’re having fun. He let me push the big red button. I’ve always wanted to do that. He made me a creepy me-themed cubby hole room and we’re blasting out space for some extra bathrooms.”
“Why do you need extra bathrooms for 2 people and a goat?” she asked.
“Have you seen this house layout, it’s weird as hell. It’s like one giant 2-story building with a wrap-around staircase leading to a bunch of rooms on different elevation levels. It’s some kind of Delmarian religious thing about spiraling down to the underworld with your family, but it’s super impractical when the bathroom is on a different floor and you have like 200 feet of hallways and 20 steps to get there. We’re putting one on every level. We’re compromising and making the house more human friendly. Isn’t that sweet?” she said, still slightly yelling and hugging Vinn tightly. Vinn gave her a pat and grinned.
“It’s actually really bad luck to alter the sacred spiral, but it’s probably even worse luck to marry a human so I figure if it’s necessary…screw it. I’m not THAT superstitious anyway or I wouldn’t have married a human.” He shrugged.
“I am so sorry.” Dee sighed, looking embarrassed. “You two do your weird thing, I’m glad I didn’t barge in during anything even weirder. From now on if this hobbit hill is rockin, I just won’t come a knockin.” She smiled, giving a wink.
“You do realize phones exist, right?” Jack muttered.
“Well, I’m officially an asshole, and I just remembered that I have to be heading out pretty soon. I have some evening plans that should keep me busy for about 4-5 hours.” She said, looking like there was a slight bit of pain admitting that. “So you two kids have fun blowing shit up and living in a hole.” Dee said, heading back to the elevator. Vinn shook his head and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Your friends are strange people.”
“I know, what the hell?” She scoffed as Vinn’s phone chimed, and he checked the notification.
“Oh hey they just got the skull toilets in stock, you want the white one, the black one of the gold one?”
“Black obviously, a golden throne is just excessive. What are we, some kind of ritzy space overlords?”
A dim flicker of light illuminated a throne room, gleaming off the gold throne and the giant gold chandelier made of Delmarian skulls and broken swords from the Fupar arena. Gizzy took a puff from her cigar and tilted her head at the hologram screen in front of her, her eyes glowing bright blue in the dark.
“Very interesting.” She muttered as her advisor brought her a mug of something that probably causes cancer just by breathing the steam rolling out of it.
“We’ve detected several unauthorized tremors in the area and tracked it to that location. It’s just a Delmarian spiral home in progress but with no paperwork or crew papers we had to scan it for security, especially that close to the tunnels. Should I file a notification of relocation and reimburse them for the cost and inconvenience?”
“No, let them work. I’ll make a personal report later tonight.
“You have a busy schedule, and a meeting with who I am required to refer to as “Gandalf the Lardass”. This may interfere with the timeframe.”
“Tell that spherical Jack-off-alope I’ll be there on time. He knows I like to make him wait; he can wait a little longer this time. I have very important matters to look into. Contact the Delta team working on the south side fountain in the town square, tell them to halt all progress and prep for immediate emergency tunnel excavation, discreet, no paperwork, no explosives, and short range lasers only. I’ll take care of the details. I want them ready in 2 hours.”
“Empress Greggarious, I do not understand the purpose for this, but I will make it so. Should I add 50 percent bonus to their pay?”
“Double it; I want happy workers who don’t ask questions, not annoyed workers wondering why we changed plans. People hate it when you pull them mid project for another project. They don’t give a shit when you throw money at them for it. They just smile and go to work and the only questions they ask are what do we do with the bonus money and this vacation time?”
“And can I ask if it’s not too personal, what exactly IS the purpose of this?”
“I’m gonna let the happy couple keep blasting, I wanna meet the girl myself, Give Jack a message that I’m willing to see her about the marriage reversal, but be sure it’s while Vinn is working. I want her there alone. Bring up the file on this Nicole.
“Nicole Marie Gurverdermnerer.”
“God I hate Delmarian names. You sound like your having a stroke when you say them.”
“Why is she of interest?”
Because she married a Delmarian and I don’t know why, and they put their house right next to the tunnel system. Look at this security data. She streams her entire sad little life from her gamer chair; she basically signed a security waver giving us permission to know her entire life. This is better then looking up someone’s social media accounts. 14 medieval adventure game playthroughs, 6 different sets of headphones, 4 of them Nightmare before Christmas character themed, 1 with cat-ears, and a Slipknot poster on her wall. She’s not playing a Goth chick, this girl is legitimately like this.”
“Two other girls in the same house have cat ear headphones and band posters.”
“Yea but look at the streams, they’re dressed like holographic strippers. They’re doing it for the attention, all current pop culture content and tits. You don’t go classic outdated on your character bullshit and stream in long sleeved hoodies unless you’re doing it for comfort rather than views. This girl isn’t playing a bit. She married a guy who could break her in half and moved into a dungeon with him. She’s perfect, I want her in the tunnels, I want prediction scans of the demo work, I wanna know the most likely spot they plan to dig next and I want a corridor running right past that tonight. Mark it down as an air vent and tie it to the old ventilation. This week just got interesting.” Gizzy grinned with a maniacal extension of her tusks.