Dee woke up, staggering towards the kitchen and hearing Vinn and Nicole in there before she even got there laughing and muttering, Dee paused, waving to silverback as he refilled his coffee at the bar. “You’re here early.” She said to him.
“No you’re up late. Trouble sleeping?”
“You could say that.” She yawned as she almost rounded the corner to the kitchen where the happy couple was making breakfast.
“So Last night we did oil rubbing?” Vinn started “and now we’re ready to move to molten hot wax.” he said as Dee froze in a grimace.
So it’s really just a lot of greasing up and rubbing to keep everything smooth and shiny?”
“Yea pretty much. You gotta get the wax super hot tho, it’s way better hot.
“Are you guys…clothed?” he hollered.
“YES.” Nicole scoffed. What… like we’re just naked in the kitchen? Like some crazy pers-” she paused as a very naked Mel strolled through to grab a scone on her way from the pool.
“We need to talk to her about that.” Vinn muttered.
“Yea, Nicole sighed.
“I disagree. Let her express her culture.” Silverback shrugged getting a very shitty look from Dee. She carefully turned into the kitchen.
“I just don’t like waking up to you guys discussing your oils and waxes in the kitchen.” She said, noticing them standing over a large cutting board.
“Dee, he’s showing me how to condition and season a cutting board…he brought his from home. It’s a family heirloom.”
“Okay, so I’m just the dumb one here.” She nodded as Silverback gave her a forehead kiss on the way through.
“Well, I better head to work. Jack and Vicki are already there and we got a whole second floor studio to get painted and trimmed out today.”
“I’m gonna head out as well,” Nicole said, I have an appointment to get my nails done and I may do some shopping with Mel. She wanted to talk to me about something. Vinn thought I needed a fun day out.” She winked, giving him a big kiss right on the mouth as Dee cringed slightly. “You two can finish up the sauce, Vinn makes this amazing Delmarian like…curry sauce thing. It’s wild. They put it on raw chicken mostly, but the actual sauce is good on other stuff, you’ll like it.” She finished, waving goodbye.
“Bye sweetie! Have fun!” Dee waved as the door closed and she turned to Vinn.
“Really sunny weather today, hu?”
“Vinn we’re in a dome cave city, the sun is lightbulb on a track, and it’s the same thing every day. Okay what’s going on here?” she asked bluntly.
“We’re just making sauce, you can dice an onion, right?”
“Yes, I can make an onion smaller, gimme the knife. Why is everyone mysteriously leaving us alone? Am I about to get Fupar’d? Is there like a ritual fight for Nicole or something because I will invoke Parlay and that overrides Fupar.”
“Dee, I’ve talked this over with Nicole, it was her idea but I totally agree, we need to go on a date.” He said calmly slicing tomatoes. Her eyes bugged out and she nearly choked on a piece of raw pepper.
“The fuck in what, now?” she replied spitting out the food.
“Not in a gross way, or a romantic way; as friends. I almost said not in a weird way but…it’s gonna be weird, obviously. I’m there.”
“Accurate so far. You know it’s just called hanging out when it’s friends, right? You could have just said we’re hanging out.”
“Oh right, But… we both love Nicole. I’m her husband…”
“That still sounds so weird.”
“Thanks, I’m her husband, and she’s your BFF. But we barely know anything about each other. Think about it. I don’t even know your last name. You all have lived in the same house, Jack lives here, Silverback and you got your relationship, he practically lives here. Me and Nicole are very close, I’m work bros with the guys, but when have WE ever hung out?”
“We’ve hung out.” She scoffed.
“Name a specific time we hung out, crossing paths and waving in the halls while I was working on the basement does not count.” He noted.
“Well there was the…um…No you weren’t on the crew back then. Uh, Okay… well shit we are basically just strangers with the same friends aren’t we?” she realized.
“Right, so we need to fix that. You’re not gonna stop being nicole’s Biff, and we’re married, I’m hoping that lasts, so we need to really break the strangle chains.”
“Sometimes I have no idea what your phrases mean.”
“Like in the Fupar pits when they used to do strangulation chains as a weapon option but they banned it because it took too long to kill someone, Like stupid long, hours sometimes. They banned it, and ceremonially broke the chains of strangulation as a symbol of unity and compromise.” He said, smiling.
“So like burying the hatchet…except sounding worse.”
“Why would you bury a hatchet? That’s a very useful tool. And a child could dig that up.” He puzzled.
“This is gonna be a great date, I’m so very excited.”
“See, sarcasm. I’m learning that. It means you’re not optimistic. So what’s with the whole racism thing you got going?” he blurted as she looked horrified.
“I’m not racist. I find that term a little offensive actually.
“Dee would you like me to compile a list of offensive terms you use on a daily basis towards me, because I can buy a notebook and start keeping track.”
“Okay, can we agree it’s technically species-ist and that’s totally different?”
“Technically correct on the first part, not as different as you think. I understand we’re a completely different species from different worlds, and even our biology is foreign, believe me Nicole REALLY surprised me with…nevermind. But we need to just find common ground. We need to get into the stereotypes and establish what fact and what is assumption. Hopefully we can get along better. And then I’ve planned us a sensual hot oil massa-I’m just kidding. I couldn’t resist seeing you get worried.”
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“You know what, you make things weird and awkward a lot, I’m gonna just go for it here and do the same. Full honesty and bluntness and we’re either gonna make some progress or make this weirder trying. Got it?” she ordered.
“See that’s the spirit, go for it, see what happens. The ol, fuck-it and yolo.”
“Squat down to eye level real quick and open your mouth really wide.” She said.
“So you chose weirder, that’s neat.” He said not doing that.
“Seriously, I need to know something that’s been bugging me. It’s a stereotype and I’m too short to know. Get down here and just open that mouth.” She ordered.
“Dee I swear to gods if you make out with me, I am going to dump 4 liters of sauce on your head and run away.”
“Just trust me, it’s not that weird. It’s pretty weird, not that weird. And DO NOT under any circumstances pretend to bite down. Just hold perfectly still.”
“I hate this.” He said reluctantly opening his mouth. She leaned forward like she was spelunking as he looked more worried by the second.
“God these teeth are just horrifying. It’s like being in a bear trap but moist and orange. You really could just casually bite a human head off. Wild. Okay we’re done.
“Dental fetish?” he guessed.
“No. I’m actually pleasantly surprised. No dog breath whatsoever. Mild and minty.”
“Seriously? You just assumed I had horrendous animal breath.”
“We’re breaking assumptions here, how could I know what’s a stereotype and what’s not? You wanted to be blunt. See, I’m now less grossed out about Nicole kissing you. You have good dental hygiene, good for you.”
“Most Delmarians have cleaner mouths than the average human. We brush and sanitize after every meal. You just ate raw onion with your coffee, how’s you’re breath right now?”
“Mkay you won that round for sure. Well played. Rapid fire round…”
“Hit me.”
“Blood sacrifice rituals.”
“Only the hyper-religious purists. Every planet has cults.”
“You’re all obsessed with raw chicken.”
“Yep, that one’s accurate. I mean who doesn’t love chicken?”
“Yea like fried or in a quesadilla. Okay your turn.”
“Are the big human boobs real or fake?” he asked.
“It varies greatly, Mine are real and they’re spectacular, no you can’t touch them.”
“Didn’t wanna, just had to know. Bubble baths…just why?”
“I’m not sure, it’s just fun and relaxing. We like nice smelling pointless stuff and soaking in hot water. How sharp are the claws?”
“Naturally, more pointy than ‘sharp’, fighters sharpen them like razors, but I round mine off blunt, like the antler. I don’t wanna accidentally scratch Nicole.”
“Okay that’s very adorable. Sleeping arrangements, is it safe?”
“We sleep on the couch, I usually just set her on to of me so even if I roll over she just falls off rather then under me, it’s virtually foolproof, he have a padded rug at home over the potential fall zone but last night I just tied a knot in the blanket.”
“So basically you have a couch and then you just ARE her couch?”
“Pretty much. Water. What’s with humans and water and why is Nicole weird about it? Details.”
“We just like water, I dunno why. Swimming is fun, it cools you off, the ocean is pretty. Nicole almost drowned when she was little, so she just has a fear of any deep water she can’t touch bottom in, which is not very deep given her size. I think she was like almost pronounced dead and they had to do CPR and everything. They broke 3 ribs, she was hospitalized. She never got over it.”
“Holy shit. I thought it was an irrational thing like when humans are afraid of non-venemous spiders or clowns.”
“Okay spiders are scary, don’t even. Nicole is the weird one here that will just pick those nasty fuckers up and talk to them. That’s not normal. Dark stereotype time, Delmarian men and controlling chauvinistic bullshit.”
“Mostly outdated exaggeration, again purists…make us all look bad on that one. They see women as trophies to collect. It’s about as bad as you assume, but among non purists we generally respect females as different but equal. But you do sometimes encounter THAT guy. Bananas. Do humans really like them that much? I get mixed signals.”
“Okay we do generally like fruit, that’s accurate, bananas no more or less than anything else, some of that is a “primate joke”, you can blame Osirians for that one.” Do you like music?” she asked.
“Good music, yea. Who doesn’t? I will say, stringed instruments and the whole “harmony” thing is new to us, Delmarian music is mostly rhythm, percussion monotone chanting. But I’m learning. That’s why I joined the work band, they needed a drummer anyway. Jack is just awful on a drum kit. We love him but he cannot keep a kick drum on time for shit. Even he knows that.”
“You’d probably like rap-metal. I’ll get you a playlist. I’m more of a showtunes gal myself.” She smiled “I’m not a bad singer.”
“I’m going to remain silent on that opinion, your bathroom has fairly thin walls and your voice carries.”
So I’ve seen you do that thing where you act like you’re gonna swallow Nicole’s head, is that a Delmarian thing, is it a dominance thing? It weirds me out.”
Honestly I did it just as a joke once because I was nervous and trying to be funny and she seemed to think it was cute and comical so I just kept doing it.”
“Can I touch your fur or is that too weird?”
“That very much depends on where you plan to aim.”
“Just like your arm, dude. I’m not going for belly aggressive tummy-rubs here.”
“Yea arm is fine, the other is pretty weird.”
“Huh, yea super soft actually. I was assuming really rough and rugged.”
“I use conditioner, so why exactly do humans seem to compare us to dogs a lot? We’re really not doglike. I get the jackelope one, I’ve googled that and, I’mma be real, our babies do pretty much look like that. It’s not far off. But why dogs?” he asked.
“Humans and canines have always had a bond for some reason. They hunted together and protected each other and we keep them as pets and fed them. Dogs are man’s best friend, they get pets and belly rubs and affection. We love dogs. It’s a compliment actually. God now I have to ask and I kinda don’t wanna know but my stupid nosey ass just…You and Nicole…belly rubs and good boy stuff?”
“What? No. The hell, Dee. I’m not her pet. I’m a sentient being with an education and career. We have a pet goat.”
“Oh I’m aware, I keep being reminded of that when I go downstairs and turn the corner and he’s just EEEEEHT! Right at me wanting food. Scared the shit out of me several times. He’s so quiet and then suddenly not.”
“Yea he’s weird. So do you think Nicole just kinda sees me as a rescue pet?” He asked sadly.
Don’t take this wrong, but kinda. But you’re more then just a rescue pet to her. She definitely loves you both as a friend as a…husband, almost said boyfriend, still so hard to absorb that. But you do kinda have a dual purpose vibe. It’s not a bad thing, really. Nicole loves animals, she just melts around puppies and anything that needs rescued from a lonely cage. I think she may have started seeing that in you, and then she realized you’re just a person too, like a regular person with a personality and she fell in love with that part. You’re kinda perfect for her in that way. I’m almost…jealous?
“You wanna Delmarian boyfriend?”
“No gross… sorry, not… I’m jealous that you two clicked that well and so fast and you’ve been barely married and already seem like an old married couple. It’s very sweet. Me and Silverback fight a lot. Not like they way Delmarians fight, we argue verbally and disagree a lot. I kinda wish we had that cutesy thing you guys have. I’m probably just imagining the grass greener on the other side, I’m sure you two argue a lot too when nobody’s around.”
“No. like a few times early on and now nothing. We never fight. It’s great.”
“Shit, I guess it’s just us. So oiling a cutting boards hu? That’s a really pretty light pink. Is that stone or some kind of weird wood?”
“Uh, bone, actually. Old tradition that after a thark hunt you boil the ribs and flatten them down, make things out of them, like utensils and cutting boards.”
“See this is why I don’t like bonding. I ate stuff off of that thing. We were doing so good and then BONES!”
“I mean…it’s been boiled and bleached, so it’s totally clean. The pink color is mostly stained from chicken blood.”
GggAAAtt, we’re moving on to other stuff now.”
“Dee are we bonding?”
“Kinda. I think I blamed you for her recent…mental downfall.”
“Yea, I did too. I kinda got hit with it from within and without.”
“It’s gotta be that damn cave, Vinn. She’s happy with you when she’s out of that cave. It’s not you, man you’re an absolute teddybear even I realize I can’t dislike forever. It has to be the cave, is it fumes or cave-in phobia, or contaminated water or lead paint? She’s not like…pregnant?” she muttered.
“Physically impossible for multiple reasons you don’t want to know or need to know. But aside from that and the paint, maybe. Any of those could be making her sick.”
“I’ve noticed the…new diet she’s on”
“Oh, yea that’s…so here me out.”
“I know it’s normal for you guys but it’s weird for humans, is it at least medically safe? She is DOWNING that fishy crap like a preggo craving. Even fishchick…sorry even Mel just had a tiny mug.”
“I’m not shocked by that, makes sense for her. But yea sure. It’s healthy enough. It’s got tons of…gelatinous protein, and…flavor. Not a flavor many would enjoy but there’s flavor there. So she’s never done that before?”
Not that I would have ever guessed. The weird part is…she looks…better when she drinks it, or when she chaws down half a fresh salmon out of the package. She seems to look sick and pale when she doesn’t.
“Yea that’s…concerning and weird.” Vinn admitted.