I’m so excited for you guys” Deidre grinned, giving her friend a big giddy hug. “Your first time moving in with a guy.” She added, hopping a little and bouncing her wavy blonde hair. “At…28.” She added, her short raven-haired friend glaring back.
“I know it’s crazy, we’ve only been dating for a week, but we clicked so fast that I feel like we know each other already.” Nicole argued poorly, fiddling nervously with her jet black braids, the streaks of purple woven in and out down to the little skull holding the end of it together. A gift from her soon to be, live-in boyfriend.
“You know you don’t have to move in with an alien just to be part of the group. Vicki and I started dating someone the first weeks we moved to this moon.” Dee started, Nicole’s eyes bugged out, shocked that she would even suggest such a thing.
“What are we implying exactly?” she asked, crossing her arms, trying to look intimidating at a whopping five foot zero in her little black and red plaid skirt.
“I’m just saying, we got the house super cheap because Vicki was already dating Jack and head of a construction crew. I met Silverback at the safety convention and then when Orion moved to another city system, he pulled some strings to get Silverback as the new foreman for his crew so we could see each other more. Jack’s lived here since day 1, Silverback worked in the house every day for months getting it renovated while we moved in, and half the mornings they were still there. They practically both lived in the big house already. Half the girls moved here with their husbands or boyfriends and you’ve been single this entire time. I know you had a bad breakup right before the move, and we’ve been trying to get you to go out and meet someone but we didn’t mean they had to be on the construction crew. We’re not the construction crew housewives of Beverly hills.”
“It’s because he’s a native isn’t it?” She snipped, twisting her mouth accusingly and letting her luggage stop abruptly, halting all progress.
“It’s just…We like him, he’s nice, but he IS Delmarian.”
“I’ve known you for almost ten years, Dee, and I never took you for a racist.”
“Sweetie, it’s not racist, if anything it’s species-ist. It’s not like you’re dating a Mexican guy. He’s a nearly 8 foot tall space reindeer. That’s gonna be a lot more culturally different then like say, moving in with a guy from new York, or moving in with a guy who immigrated from Taiwan. People are people for the most part, we all came from the same species, Hell even Silverback is half human and half Eridani…which are almost human passable. The physical differences can be summarized in a pamphlet. I know, I watched the hologram video on what to expect when dating an alien. Trust me…all the parts are pretty familiar once you get past the orange tint.”
“But because Vinn doesn’t look human passable it’s way worse?”
“You’re my friend… and this is all new to all of us. We packed up an online business and moved to an alien moon to get better healthcare and it’s been a weird fucking year, we’ve all been stressed out and missing our families back on Earth. You’ve spent most of that time online and never leaving the house.” She said, looking concerned.
“That’s my Job, Dee. I’m a game tester. I get paid to stay in my house and play games all day, find the bugs and stream the playthrough.”
“That’s my point. We all create content for a living, but then we get some fresh air and go places and explore. You haven’t even left the little island this entire time except once to go to a game convention one city over, dressed as an elf.”
“You know damn well I make a fucking adorable elf.” Nicole scoffed.
“Of course you do, and you still didn’t flirt with a single guy, you just stuck near event staff or food venders. I grilled you for that. Then all of the sudden they bring in a guy from another construction crew and the next day you’re dating him? A week later you’re moving to his place? I know you took some time to adjust and we all wanted you to meet someone but…” Deidre staggered around her words.
“Preferably a human guy or at least a passable halfbreed?” sighed Nicole. “Maybe the reason I didn’t get out was because I was terrified that I packed up and moved to some strange moon to be with my friends and realized immediately I made a mistake. Maybe I lived online and worked my job to death was because online it doesn’t matter if you’re off-world or not, the internet is just cyberspace and it felt like home. I made money doing what felt comfortable instead of having a panic attack. You know when I was at Delmarcon, 20 minutes after I got there some random guy grabbed me. Turns out he was just a fan, but I’m tiny and easy to kidnap and he just ran up behind me and gave me this gigantic creepy hug. They had to get security on the guy, he wouldn’t leave me alone. Human guys suck. I don’t even know the legal policy for human trafficking on this world, is it legal? Do you even know?”
“Honey, slavery is illegal on every human populated world, there would be some criminal laws.”
“The point is that I get out one time to what I think is a safe place and I almost get abducted by some crazed fan.” Nicole argued.
“So you found the biggest scariest alien guy on the construction crew and started dating him. I get it. Who’s gonna mess with you when your boyfriend has antler?”
“It’s not about that. He’s just…different.”
“Huh, I didn’t notice”
“He didn’t know who I was, he didn’t even know our brand or the house until he was digging the pool for the back yard. He just saw us around the house and something about me drew him to me. And you know how he introduced himself?”
“Hi, I’m Vendetta, an ex military demolition specialist and single alien? Wanna get weird?” Deidre asked sarcastically.
“He brought me a crate of bananas.”
“Wow…sexy. I know that does it for me every time.”
“He said he noticed I looked sad and tired and was avoiding everyone. He went online and looked up “human stuff” and he thought either I had a deficiency in Potassium, or experienced a death in the family. He plopped down a crate of bananas and said “I read it’s custom to give humans vegetation bundles in difficult times and you may be suffering from a vitamin deficiency, judging from your skin tone. Either way, this should help.”
“He brought you a bouquette of bananas?”
“Because primates like bananas and he didn’t know the difference between a bunch of bananas and giving someone flowers. How fucking adorable and stupid is that? I busted out laughing and we just started chatting. It was like talking to an old friend again after years. We have a lot in common.”
“You both have hooves, bunny ears, you’re both covered in orange fur.”
“He plays online games a lot because he doesn’t fit in. He plays in a band, I’m a failed musician turned gamer. He has a rescue goat named Reeves. You know I instantly fall for the pathetic needy rescue animals, and the scraggly little weird ugly critters that don’t belong. And now I met one who also has his own rescue animal.”
“Reeves, Like Keanu?”
“No it’s short for Soul Reaver, he assumed the little goat was a baby and that it would grow up to be something large enough to ride into battle. It’s pretty normal for anything on 4 legs on Delmar to get huge, turns out it was a pygmy goat someone couldn’t sell for meat so they just tossed it to the streets.” Nicole sighed.
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“They didn’t think a moon populated by aliens who don’t eat anything with hooves and horns would probably not eat a baby goat?” Deidre scoffed.
“People are really stupid, especially space freighters. Space is weird, even some of the captains are absolute dipshits in space.”
“That’s true. Speak of the devil, cloven hoof, horns and all. There he is, right on time.” Dee said with a wave as a lumbering orange figure approached, covered in dust and dirt.
“Hey Vinn, How’s it hangin?” asked Nicole.
“Probably about eye level for you.” Dee muttered through her teeth with a fake smile, receiving an elbow jab to stop before he could hear her remarks.
“Another double shift. Sorry I’m late and didn’t get to shower.
“Are they trying to work you to death?” Nicole asked.
“No it’s voluntary, I don’t mind. I’m just trying to get the place as finished as I can before you move in. This happened pretty fast, I just can’t pull it off in a day.”
“Wait…you’re renovating your cube?” asked Nicole.
“Well sorta. It’s Delmarian custom to build your home before you move in your mate. I didn’t expect to need it finished for a while.”
“I thought we were just moving some of my stuff into your place?”
“That piece of crap cube? Absolutely not. It’s a human cube 2.0. They’re basically dorm rooms. I’ve been saving up for a real place and since I started working this crew I made a ton of money and got a fixer upper real close.”
“Fixer upper?” muttered Dee.
“Well it was essentially just a wine cellar for the mine but they abandoned it years ago and I’ve been blasting it out after hours. It’s really opened up now.”
“Is that the weird vibrations I’ve been feeling?” Dee asked. “I thought they were moonquakes.”
“Nope. Demo charges. This entire place is solid stone, your foundation is probably on one of the blackstone veins, they just ring like an iron pipe when you do blasting. Sorry bout that. I’m probably done with the blasting now, it’s just jackhammers and laser rigs from here. You won’t feel a thing. But it’s totally liveable and nice upstairs, the basement is a work in progress so expect a mess down there. I’ll have it looking fantastic in no time.” He excitedly huffed.
“Okay, I trust you.” Nicole nervously lied, trying to ignore the look of “told you so” Dee was beaming at her.
They stopped in the road, still within view of the big house in the distance.
“Well. Here it is.” Said Vinn, extending a large furry hand towards a small hill topped with a very plain looking plastic square roughly 24 feet by 24 feet.
“Uh…you sold your human cube, for a similar human cube somewhere else with an unfinished basement?” Nicole asked.
“No, that would be stupid. That IS my old human cube. They air lifted it on top of the sight so we’d have somewhere finished to live in, while I finish the real home. The real home IS the basement. It’s just not livable yet. I was afraid if I told you, you wouldn’t wanna move in yet and you might change your mind. I don’t know how your vision of the future potential is, since you don’t work in the industry and you’re visually impaired.”
“WHAT?” she asked. I’m not visually impaired. I have perfect 20/20 vision.”
“I meant like…being human. Trust me, by most species standards, all humans are blind as shit. I think Delmar Prime actually gives you disability benefits for the blind just for proving you’re human.”
“What do I get?”
“Free safety rails, grab bars for showers, phones with really big screens.”
“So can I see the basement?” she asked.
“probably not, we may need more lighting, but you can certainly have the tour.” He said receiving an annoyed look until she realized he wasn’t joking.
“So here’s the freight elevator, I haven’t finished the stairs yet. Careful, it’s a 60 foot vertical drop to stone, you could really trash a knee or ankle.”
“You think a human falling 60 feet onto stone would just result in a broken ankle or twisted knee?” she skeptically squinted.
“I assumed there would be SOME kind of injury, Hell even I might get fairly hurt from that if I landed wrong.” He said flipping on the bright industrial lighting and lowering the elevator into a rather gigantic chasm. Nicole’s expression went from a mixed bag of confusion to pure baffled disbelief as the platform lowered into a giant cave filled with a mixture of debris, clean edges and rough broken stone the color of black marble. The massive main chamber branched into numerous smaller rooms, varying in size and doneness. A second floor had been carved right out of the stone, standing on pillars.
“Holy shit.” She gasped.
“I know…I told you it was messy. You’re not afraid of heights are you? Shit I should have asked that first, I forgot some humans fear heights. Stupid Vinn. What about caves in general, or cave spiders?”
“No I like spiders, caves are okay I guess, and I’m not afraid of heights. Just…drowning. It’s not a flooded cave is it?”
“No it’s justfull of debris…probably spiders, I’m sorry it’s so messy.”
“No that’s not what I meant. This isn’t a basement, it’s an underground mansion.”
“Not yet, it’s still got a lot of work, hence the human cube above. We’re gonna be whittling this bad boy out and detailing for a while but once the main cutting is done and the dust problem isn’t a problem anymore we can start moving things down here and really making the rooms, like…roomy. So don’t look at it as being months of renovation, it’s more like days of demo, we hire a cleanup team, and then it’s a nice basement, and it can be months of fun, options and designing a dream home. Something like 3,000 to 3,500 square feet depending on the water feature, that may not work like I planned. I dunno.”
“Vinn, that’s massive. I grew up in a house that was not even a third of that, and it was plywood and cheap carpet, not carved out of solid marble. My god, the marble chunks taken out of here must have been worth millions by itself.”
“Yea you really don’t understand the prices of stone on a moon made entirely of stone. This shit is basically free, you just pay for the labor. Delmarian Greystone is anything but fancy rich people stuff. It’s the plywood of Delmar.”
“Looks black to me.”
“You’re really not helping that point about human vision, ya know?”
“But 3,500 square feet for you and a goat? Vinn, I thought I was just moving into your place, I didn’t realize you were spending your life savings on a giant underground lair. This is a lot to handle. How long did you plan for me to stay?”
“Hopefully a long time. It’s Delmarian custom, this is totally normal. Delmarian men in the working class build their own homes, usually pretty large because we’re kinda large and often have large families. I wanted this anyway, it’s my dream design. So you being here changes the location but I’d be spending my money on this home regardless. I’m not going broke to impress you, I’m following what we do, and adjusting it a little. We build a traditional home, we find a mate…granted I did that slightly out of order, but the result is the same.”
Nicole took a very anxiety ridden breath to calm herself among the cavernous void of black (or to some eyes, grey) stone. She counted to ten in her head and took her paranoia to a deeper darker place than even the deep dark place she was literally descending to on a rusty mining freight elevator.
“This may be entirely my fault, so please don’t blame yourself, but I have to ask something and I just want an honest answer. I know you’re a very honest person and you won’t sugar coat this for me. You said months of US renovating. When you keep referring to me as your mate, is that essentially just the cute Delmarian term for girlfriend, or is there more to that than I understand?”
“You don’t know anything about Delmarian culture, do you?”
“Not really, that’s entirely on me.”
“Okay, fair enough. In our culture, it’s fairly common at a certain age to select a mate. Usually a male would spend some time with a number of females to sort of see who appeared the most compatible, few weeks or more depending on the number of females, and he would choose one. He would ask her to live in his home as his mate, and if she agreed, they would be mates. They seal the pact with the totem. Now I know this was a little fast but we connected so quickly and when you suggested moving in, I assumed human females were just more aggressive. Obviously I accepted even though the house was not complete, usually the house is part of the consideration in convincing a female to agree, but you initiated it knowing I lived in a modular human cube as a temporary lodging, so obviously you didn’t care about that and anything I built for us would be better then a shitty plastic box manufactured for temporary free human housing.”
“Oh my god…” She said, nearly cutting him off. She placed her hands over her mouth and paused for a moment. “You said totem? Did I just get Delmarian married? Did I just accidentally propose to you and get Delmarian married?” she asked, pupils shrinking slowly as the awkward pause for an answer grew longer.
“The word marriage is probably stronger in your culture.”
“Oh my god I’m the stupidest bitch ever.” She blurted.
No you’re not, this is clearly a matter of cultural ignorance rather than stupidity, and obviously you should have taken some classes on Delmarian culture of you wanna live here and not do this kinda thing. But I’ve read about human marriages and I assure you this is not nearly as severe and significant as a human marriage. Those are theoretically permanent and until death? Which is insane. Delmarian marriages are far easier to separate from, and they only commit to about 2 years until either offspring are born or they decide it’s not working out. There’s no messy divorce or shame ceremony. It’s way less bad than you think. But yea you did kinda sorta get Delmarian married. Ya did that. Sooooooooo…thoughts? Feelings? You need a beverage? I got smoothies.”