I don’t understand my emotions at all. I don’t get why I feel the way I do for Yuna. I can’t even pinpoint when I started to like her. I always found her pretty. I did think about her when I first questioned what it would be like to have a girlfriend. She’s the only one I ever found attractive. I just don’t get it. Why is she the exception?

It’s not because of Yuele. I fell for that side of her first. Or perhaps it’s because he always reminded me of her is the reason. All I know is just how confused it makes me. I have loved before. Yuna just makes me question if that love I felt before was even love at all. When I’m with it feels like I’m home. That’s the only way I can say it. That this is where I’m supposed to be. And whenever she’s Yuele, I just feel safe.

I do have to admit. It is weird having a boyfriend and a girlfriend be one person. But because it’s Yuna it’s easy to be comfortable with it. I haven’t told her that I do see Yuele as a separate person. I’m not sure if I want to. She tells me I don’t have to be careful around her but I don’t want to ask her if she wants me to view him as such. I don’t ever want to make her feel bad.

Yuele takes me to my favorite spot in Seattle. It surprises me that he does but then he says, “This is where I go to clear my head. I saw you here too. Don’t tell me you’ve been stalking me.”

I can’t help but laugh. “I go here to think too. What are the chances?”

“It’s actually starting to become kind of creepy.”

“I don’t think so.”

Yuele lifts himself up and sits over the rail. “When you told my mom we’re moving in together. What was that about?”

“Oh. I got mad and I wasn’t thinking.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not like I’m opposed to the idea. I think I’ll be better off moving out. Just tell me beforehand.”

I can’t tell if he’s mad. I’ve never seen him mad. I wonder what he’s like. We haven’t fought yet either. Is this one? “Are you mad?”

Yuele smirks, “If I say that I am, can I punish you?”

My body becomes hot. He does it so easily and frequently that it’s starting to get annoying. Not even Yuna is this good at it. “I’m still waiting for the first one.”

Saying that reminds me of how he freaked out at me a couple of days ago. I didn’t ask but I didn’t have to. He’s been hurt before and I just reminded him of it. I didn’t tell him how bad it made me feel. I thought it was going to be okay if it was me. But that’s okay because I know I’ll eventually get there.

“Is something on your mind?” I ask after he doesn’t say anything.

Her turns to me and runs his fingers through my hair. “You said I have always been the exception. It’s been bothering me lately.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t feel right. It makes me feel like I’m dating a straight girl. And you are, except your not, at least for me.”

I’ve been thinking about it too. I never found another girl sexually attractive except for Yuna. I’m starting to think it’s only because I liked her first as Yuele more and more. I bet that’s what she’s thinking too. But I’ve denied my feelings towards Yuna far longer than I should have. I just now been finding out the beauty of girl’s bodies.

“You don’t want to feel special?” I rest my head on his thigh. “I think it’s because you’re my very first. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll ogle girls together. I’m still trying to figure myself out. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Yuele laughs and buries my cheek into his leg. “On second thought, I think I’ll just get jealous.”

“Okay, but can we talk about all the girls that have been staring at you all day?”

“You’re your most adorable when you get jealous. You hold on to me tight just to tell them I’m yours. I love it.”

I jokingly punch him on the arm but he only laughs. “Jerk.”

Yuele jumps downs and wraps his arms around my waist. He doesn’t say anything and I’m able to enjoy the moment. I close my eyes and just listen to the soothing sound of the waves. Yuele was open to me about his feelings just now. He addressed his concerns with me and I haven’t. I don’t think I have any.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

No. I remember what Grace told me a while back. She told me how Yuele went down a spiral of self-destructive behavior for a while. She didn’t tell me much but did imply a few things. I don’t have to be scared, right?

“Are you doing okay now, Yuele? Grace told me something and-”

“I stopped the second you knocked on my door,” he whispers in my ear. It sends a shiver down my spine. “I just wanted to run away. I just wanted to forget.”

“I don’t ever want you to resort to that stuff even if I do hurt you in the future.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“I get to punish you because you did.”

Yuele chuckles, “I’ll let you do anything to me.”

We don’t say anything else and just enjoy each other again. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, but I’m feeling hot again. It gets harder and harder to resist each time. I wonder if there’s anything I can do to make it easy for him. It’s not like I would know what to do either. I don’t have the slightest idea how to have sex with him. I just know I want to, badly.

I started to watch lesbian porn just to learn. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t turned me on a bit. Everything I watched has been so aggressive and I don’t want that. But I think the positions and actions can be done the same just slower. I want it to be special. And now that I’m thinking about it, I start to get wet.

The solution to Yuele’s problem just comes to me.

It’s so simple.

-

Nat texts me a picture of the new car her parents just bought her for her birthday in a week. She’ll be in Cancun then so they decided to give it to her early.

Yuele has gotten in front of me because I got to focus on thinking if he ever told me his birthday. He notices and stops for me.

“Have you ever told me your birthday?”

“Hmm, no. It’s the 9th of March.”

“We met on the tenth. Are you telling me that show was for your birthday?!”

Yuele laughs. “Not really. I don’t celebrate my birthdays. When’s yours?”

Who doesn’t celebrate their birthdays? It just proves there’s much more to learn about him. “September 1st.”

“I’m assuming you’re already doing something.”

“My friends are taking me out.” I see the look on his face and don’t like it. The whole world knows about us now. Half of my friends don’t care or are happy for me and the others stopped talking to me. It’s not like I care, I’ve barely seen any of them seen I’ve gotten to know Yuna. “I want you to come.”

“Eh, not my crowd.”

The friends I’m going out with are the ones who support me anyways. “I’m not giving you a choice now.”

Yuele half smiles and takes a few steps toward me. “Yuna or Yuele?”

“Yuele. I want to show you off.”

“Oh please. We both know I’ll just mock them if I’m Yuna.”

“More the reason then.”

-

Yuele changes back to Yuna in my room. She’s been keeping some of her clothes with me as we’ve been sleeping together much more frequently. Every morning that she does I wake up holding her hand. I’m always the first to wake up and the last to fall asleep so I don’t know at what point in the night we hold hands. There has even been a day when I woke up with Yuna sucking on my finger. I remember each smile she gives me when she opens her eyes and sees me staring.

“Are you staying over tonight?” I ask.

“No. My dad wants me home so we can talk about college and stuff,” She sighs and grabs my iPad. She lays down and I sit next to her.

“Are your parents still going to pay for it?”

“I think so. I think my dad is going to do it. He’s been fighting with Mom a lot lately. I think they’re going to get divorced,” Yuna burps.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Yuna continues to lead a life of hardships. I think I know her well enough that she’s just putting up a brave face. There isn’t anything I can do but do be there for her. I’m sure that’s what she wants so I don’t say anything else. I lay down next to her and she moves the iPad in between us.

“What’s this.”

“Komi can’t communicate. It’s the cutest slice of life I found.”

For the rest of the night, we spend our time reading until we reach the last chapter published. I walk her to the elevators and kiss her goodnight.

The day itself went just like any other. The only thing new that happened is that we talked about our grievances. But that’s good. I think it was about time. We need to be on the same page if we want things to continue as they have.

Like always, I start to miss Yuna the second I enter my room. Her scent still lingers where she lay so I use it to quell my addiction.

They call it the honeymoon phase and it won’t last. I don’t ever want it to go away. Things are perfect the way they are. I know I’m asking for too much. As I said before, Yuna makes question what love is. I just stumbled upon it. I don’t think it. I know Yuna is my person.

It’s silly to me now that I was ever scared to feel this way. Girl or boy, it doesn’t matter to me. What does my orientation have to do with any of that? I’m not sure why I ever was scared to like a girl. Yuna’s skin is soft. She’s small and a bit flat but the little curves she has are fun to play with. I even found out her breasts are bigger than I thought when I touched them. I want to see them for real. I want to see everything.

Oh god.

I love this girl.