Elise never bothers to even look at Yuna at school although the latter spends her entire time with her head in her arms, always facing the directions of Elise. The accidental glances she gets of Yuna throughout the week always reignited the anger she feels towards her former friend. She half expected Yuna to tell everyone at school what she did, but it’s been kept secret. If anything, the secret of Yuele was genuine. It’s not something Yuna would willingly expose.

The week passes and ends with nothing happening. Yuna couldn’t resist paying attention to Elise the entire time. She wanted to find a chance to go up to her and explain, but Elise never gave her the chance. Yuna regrets playing what she said to Elise. She thought it would ease the pain to go back to her original plan. It just caused to her to cease to exist. She doesn’t know who she is anymore.

Nat’s the one who becomes concerned for her. She watches Yuna withdraw from the world. She doesn’t talk to anyone and hides away at her desk. Nat wishes there was a thing she could say to her that’ll make it better. For now, all she can do is try and get Elise to pay attention to Yuna’s suffering.

Yuna chops off most of the length of her hair. It now sits a few inches past her chin. She takes off her shirt and debates wrapping tape around her breast as she’s going out tonight. I guess there’s no point. She just puts on a crop top and a half jacket over it. For pants, it’s trousers that end on the of her shins. The rest is covered by leg warmers that half hide the black platforms that she’s never worn. Yuna has never dressed like this before, a mix between Yuna and Yuele. Looking at her, one couldn’t immediately guess her gender.

“You look cute,” Grace compliments her when Yuna gets in the car. “New look?”

“I guess,” Yuna sighs. “Call me whatever tonight. I don’t care.”

Grace doesn’t say anything and drives the car forward.

Tonight is a last-minute impulse of Yuna. She just wants to escape her mind for a bit. When they arrive at the venue, Grace makes sure she has it in her bag. Yuna spots the dollar bills Grace moves around and asks, “Can I have some tonight?”

Grace pauses and sets everything down. “Getting fucked up won’t make you feel any better.”

“Please?”

“No. Remember what I went through last year? Don’t repeat my mistakes.”

“It’s just for tonight. I promise.”

Grace sighs and hands Yuna a folded dollar bill to Yuna. Inside contains powdered MDMA crystals that enhance Yuna’s night. It’ll make everything better, just for tonight. “Just promise me you’ll take it slow.”

“Of course.”

-

She slams her head against her bedframe. All Yuna wants to do is try to express her true feelings to Elise. She tried today at school. Elise bolted out of the conversation she was having with some guys the second Yuna got close. Online doesn’t work either. Elise has blocked her on everything. Instead, she messages Nat.

Yuele: I don’t know what to do

Nat: I don’t either. She won’t listen. Sorry :(

Yuele: I miss her. I love her.

Nat: I know…

Nat: What’s your #? Let’s chat

“Why are you even helping me?” Yuna asks when Nat calls.

“Because I like you two together.”

“You’re her best friend, shouldn’t you be on her side?”

“Yeah, but I know the truth.”

“You said you think Elise isn’t completely straight because you read something from her. What did you mean by that?”

“Oh uh,” Nat stutters, “I can’t tell you that. It’s something Elise doesn’t share with anyone, even me.”

“Is it her poetry?”

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Nat doesn’t respond right away. She doesn’t question why Yuna knows either. It doesn’t matter if she found out by accident or if Elise told her. “Yeah.”

“What did you read?”

Nat bites her tongue because what she read shouldn’t be shared. If Nat told Yuna, it would cause her to act recklessly and make things worse. “You just have to trust me, Yuna.”

Yuna gets up from her bet to sit on her computer chair to view to discord notification she just receive. It’s from her online friends asking where she’s been. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Yuna,” Nat pauses, unsure what she should say next. It's true that out of everyone in Nat’s friend group, she’s the one who Yuna never picked on. Nat knows it’s because she was the only one who was actively trying to be friends with her. Of course, Yuna keep pushing her away but that small act of kindness never left her mind. “Can I ask you something personal?”

“What is it?”

“Why are you so hard of your own beauty?”

“What do you mean?”

“I feel like you’re too hard on yourself. Like you don’t like who you are.”

-

Another night, Yuna pushes a guy she met on Tinder onto his bed. It just isn’t the same. The taste of lips, the touch of skin, and the heat of the moment are all dull. Yuna grabs hold of the guy’s penis and starts to stroke it. She doesn’t like when his hand goes under her pants. The mere anticipation of his fingers causes her to jerk his arm away. She doesn’t like that she’s doing this. Yuna backs off. The barrage of memories of Elise’s smile is ruining the moment. Yuna curses at herself, disappointed that she can’t even do this.

-

Yuele goes out alone again. He’s bought drugs from Grace’s dealer because he knows his friend wouldn’t give her any. He’s never done cocaine before. On top of the alcohol he’s drunk and the molly in his system, he snorts the powder inside the stall of the venue’s bathroom. It hits him and he immediately wants another so he does. It wakes him. It’s like he’s been asleep until this moment.

He’s no stranger to the stares of girls. It’s one of the things he takes pride in. His hotness attracts nearly everyone so it’s easy for him to talk to them. There have been many points where he managed to get into a girl’s bed multiple times, but every single one has rejected him for the lack of a penis. It’s why he doesn’t bother flirting anymore.

Tonight is different. He’s wired. He talks to everyone and get’s all of their contact info. This cocaine makes him feel like he’s truly the main character. He even gets invited to the VIP sections and drinks with the people there. It makes him happy. He wants to do this forever.

Curious about his well-being, Grace checks Yuele’s Instagram and sees where he’s at through the stories he’s posted. He wasted. She excuses herself from her friend’s apartment to drive down to the club. It takes her a while to find Yuele, but she spots him going to the bathroom. Graces follow inside and hears him snorting snow. Yuele is forced outside to the smoking area once he’s done and only recognizes it’s Grace who pulled him outside then.

“What do you want?”

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Whatever the fuck I want.”

Grace knows this path all too well. The path of self-destruction. What’s worse is that there is very little she can do about it. For now, she forces Yuele to leave the club so she can take him. He protests that he doesn’t want to and that it’s better that he spends the night at Grace’s.

“Drugs won't fix things, Yuele,” she breaks the silence in the middle of the long car ride home.

“It helps.”

“Until it doesn’t and it becomes the only thing that you will want. Don’t kill yourself over some girl.”

“I’m not. I’m just doing what I want now. I’m not gonna hold myself back anymore. Not that anyone cares.”

“I care.”

“And you’re the only one.”

“I get that I’m not enough,” Grace sighs. “I get that you hate yourself right now. I get that you feel alone. I get that you feel like no one else will ever accept you. Just know that I will always love you for who you are. I won’t ever leave you.”

Yuele doesn’t say anything. He just watches the faint outlines of the passing trees as they cross through the mountain’s forest. Tears start to swell up in his eyes but do not drop. Grace is right. All he’s been doing lately has been running away. He’s been doing everything he can to get Elise out of his head.

He’s never felt such hurt.

Yuele closes his eyes and remembers the very first day he saw Elise. They sat next to each other on the very first day of sixth grade. She remembers Elise had freckles and much longer hair than she does now. Elise introduced herself to Yuna with the very same kindness she shares with everyone. That was the moment Yuna felt attraction toward a girl. Those emotions have never left since.

“It’ll get better, I promise you.”

“Lately, promises have meant shit.”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes. I don’t know. I don’t know the feeling but I never felt this way before. I would do anything for Elise.”

“Back when I was in school, I became friends with this guy and girl who have been madly in love with each other since they were kids. Stuff happened and she moved away and cut all contact with him. My friend thought their story was over. Then she came back for a weekend three years later. Those three days were enough for my friend to follow her to New York.”

“You suck at telling stories.”

“The point is, they’re back together again. Don’t lose hope. I saw the way Elise looks at you. I’m sure she likes you back. She's just mad you lied to her. Just be patient. Your time will come.”

Yuele rests his head against the window.

What good is hope when it’ll just be ripped away from me?

He remembers the opening line of the poem he read from Elise’s poem.

Darling, dare I say how deep I’m in? It’s a deep spiral daring me to send me down to drown. The days are bleak when you’re not around. I bear the dusk to see your dawn.

Yuele can only think of the spiral he’s going down.