Lucas

20th of April, 649

"You've almost got it," Justine said, tenting her fingers in front of her face. The woman was trying, Lucas thought, but he just wasn't getting it. "Look, how about we wrap up here for the day and try again tomorrow afternoon?"

Lucas sat back in his chair and sighed. The classroom was empty aside from him and Justine, and Ceres' distrust of her made Lucas' insides feel like they were made of flaming oil. Justine, a third-year teaching candidate at the Cape Hale Teachers' School, had been assigned to Mrs. Osoldo's class to assist students who struggled with the material. For Lucas, that meant a half hour after school each day in order to catch up on work he'd either skipped out of boredom or a lack of understanding. Lucas shook his head, and Justine shrugged her shoulders.

"Look, I'm willing to work this out with you. I just need you to try, okay? It's not like you'll ever have to think about any of this again in a few weeks' time, so could you please?"

"I have been trying," Lucas said, frustrated. Thoughts of what Ceres would think of the two of them alone in the classroom were making it hard to focus. "You're right, I'm never going to have to read a book and try to write a paper about it ever again. Why do I need to do it now?"

She sighed, vexed. "Lucas. You need at least a C to pass. Don't you want to get out of here? Get out of Cygnus?"

"Yeah, of course I've thought about it. Same answer I've given to you and to everyone else."

"And?"

"I'm probably going to just follow Ceres to Sylva. Still don't know what I want to do, though."

Justine looked at him thoughtfully, drumming her pen against her lips. "Not to sound rude, but is that what you want? Just following along with her life and not doing anything for your own? Don't you want to better yourself?"

Lucas felt himself blush. It was embarrassing not to know, and he could only imagine what Ceres would think at what Justine had said. He resolved to say nothing about it.

"Well, I could follow in your footsteps," Lucas started, and Justine raised an eyebrow. "But then again, I'm probably too dumb to teach others."

"Really? I don't think so. You're a smart guy, but maybe literature isn't your thing. Like my dad always says, if you have no heart for it, don't do it. Same goes for everything in this life. If your heart's not in it, then it's not worth trying to force yourself to do it."

"See? You've made my point for me about this whole thing," Lucas said, closing the book and sliding it across the table. Justine frowned and slid the book back.

"Look, we've talked enough analysis today. Did you bring the essay sample I asked you to bring?"

Lucas fidgeted. He'd worked late at Mr. Ghannam's field the night before and completely skipped out on doing the work. Justine's eyes radiated a quiet fire and he felt even more anxious than he had when he stepped into the room initially.

"Lucas, you're making it hard to believe in you," she said, and the words resonated harshly in his ears. He despised failure. Worst of all - when it was self-inflicted. Shame had been a tremendous motivator for him - but some days he just couldn't find the drive to overcome even that.

"I worked late, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disappoint..."

"Stop," Justine said, her tone gentler than Lucas had expected. "You've been doing that thing again. You know, the apologizing and the self-deprecation? Haven't we talked about that?"

"Sorry, I..."

"Lucas," she said, her face now gentle and kind. He felt reassured in her presence but couldn't help also finding her terribly attractive in the moment. The way her auburn hair fell so long over her shoulders and down her chest over that button-down and...

Lucas snapped back to the moment. The shadowy wave of failure and the tempest of doubt lurked above the thin shelter of her approval - it was an eerie oasis of calm, and he felt the white noise ebb away.

"I'm sorry I said it was hard to believe in you. That was unfair."

"It's alright."

"You're going to do big things with your life. I know that sounds silly and cliché, but it's the truth. Come on, let's get to work. We don't have much time left."

----------------------------------------

Lucas knocked on the door and heard fumbling from the other side as footsteps approached.

"Ceres? I'm back, I don't have work tonight. Do you wanna hang out?"

"No, I'm busy. Go away."

"Is this about Justine again?"

Silence.

"Look, she's my tutor. Blame Mrs. Osoldo or whatever, I don't see why..."

Ceres opened the door, eyes puffy from obviously crying.

"I'm sorry, I just... I get so angry when she's around. It feels like she and everyone else is trying to steal you from me."

Lucas didn't know how to process that feeling. It had only come on in the last month or so of their relationship - he chalked it up to a few things.

First, the coming graduation must have been weighing heavily on her mind. It would be a tremendous amount of flux for their lives, and not knowing if Lucas would even pass his last year of school was probably driving her mad. They'd spent too many nights up late talking about the future, and he had always heard Ceres' disappointment and sighs when they'd talk about what he wanted to do. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know, but it was his job to figure it out. He needed to please her more than he needed to be happy with whatever he picked.

The talk of marriage and sex had also worked to a fever pitch over the trailing weeks. Lucas had gone as far as touching her over her underwear when the two were left alone for a few hours. He'd felt her wetness through it and had begged her to go further, but it had been a roadblock she refused to move through. She talked about wanting his children as the two were intimate, and in his heart of hearts he knew he wasn't ready for anything even remotely close to that. He just wanted to have sex with her, not deal with the aftermath. He'd even stolen a condom from Joel's bedroom to prepare in the event that they'd go that far, but it remained unused in his wallet. He'd taken great pains not to let her see it.

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

Lucas hugged Ceres, who sank into him like he was a pillow. She was heavy in his arms, beleaguered by whatever wayward thoughts she'd concocted about what he and Justine were doing in that classroom. Lucas had been through this enough to know that it would subside, and she wouldn't act quite as suspicious, but it was something that really rattled him when he thought about forever with her.

"No one will take me from you, I promise," Lucas whispered in her ear, stroking her hair. "But your mom's downstairs, so let's go in your room. Don't want her hearing us."

They moved into Ceres' bedroom, and she shut the door behind them. The walls of the room were painted aquamarine, her favorite color, and there was a thick white shag carpet that covered the entire floor. Lucas liked how it felt under his bare feet and made it a point to never wear socks into the room. She motioned for him to follow her onto the bed, where they laid together in quiet for a moment.

"Can't do this too long right now," she murmured. She kissed his neck. "But I'm beginning to think I need to really find a way to show you just how serious I am about you, Lucas."

"I know how serious you are about me, Cer. You tell me all day long," Lucas smiled. Her ardor had been at times quite intense.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, of course not. Just saying that I do know, and I understand it."

She sat up, cross. "Are you saying I shouldn't say it at all then?"

Lucas tugged her to lay back down, and she acquiesced.

"No, of course not. I'm just saying that you don't need to do anything drastic to prove that you care about me."

"That I love you, Lucas," Ceres said, sitting back up again. "Did you forget that or are you trying to dance around it on purpose? Did you spend the afternoon making out with Justine or something?"

Lucas didn't react. It was a stupid thing for her to say, and any further provocation would go places he didn't want to go. This time, though, she caught herself.

"Wow, I said that didn't I? I've been trying harder to keep it in my head, you know."

Lucas sat up, now feeling quite uneasy. The refuge of his own bedroom suddenly seemed really nice - Joel had installed a lock for his privacy - and he craved the feeling of his own mattress. Anything to be alone right now.

"Maybe, Cer, you shouldn't be thinking that at all. You said you love me, right?"

"Yeah, but what's that..."

"Why would you say you love me if you don't trust me?"

"It's not you, it's other people I..."

Lucas exhaled, exasperated.

"It isn't other people, Cer. You can't just say things without proof and act like they're real."

"You go there in a room with her for an hour every single day. That's time you should be with me, Lucas. Not there wasting your time trying to get something that you don't really understand and won't ever need again soon. Time with me, Lucas. We could be using that whole hour to make out and talk and just spend time together. Don't you want that?"

"Of course I do, but Cer, c'mon. I need to at least pass the class. That's what Justine's there for. I wouldn't be sitting in that classroom if it didn't actually mean something right now. Besides, aren't you taking this a little too far?"

She stared him down in a way that made him feel six inches tall.

"Look, Lucas, if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it already."

"I didn't say that! What do you think I just said?"

A knock at the door startled them both.

"Ceres, I told you to keep the door open if Lucas is in there," Espee said, her voice kind but clearly irritated. "And I heard you arguing. Is everything alright?"

Ceres glared at Lucas.

"We're just fine." Ceres said, and she continued to stare daggers at Lucas.

"Can I come in then?"

"Sure," Ceres said, standing up and sitting in her chair at the computer desk. She kicked her feet up on it as Espee came into the room.

Espee's eyes darted between the two of them. "I was worried," she said, tone stern. "You two aren't usually arguing this much, are you? It seems like the last few days it's just been bickering."

Ceres groaned. "Not like you guys are the best examples," she said. "We've got you and Dad to model after, and all you guys did for years and years was bicker about..."

"Ceres Rachelle Leonart," Espee said forcefully. The full name only came out when Ceres had gone over the line, and Lucas had grown more used to it over the last few months. "That's a sorry excuse, and you should know it. If this is about that tutor of Lucas' again, you need to get over it, and quickly. That girl's 24 years old, she doesn't want anything to do with Lucas." She turned to him. "Sorry, honey, but that's the truth."

"What? Why would you think I'm jealous of that bitch?" Ceres exclaimed, and Espee's glower turned slowly, deliberately upon Ceres. Her silence spoke the universe, and Ceres, still fuming, looked defeated by it.

"Can you get out now? I want to be alone," she said, looking between Lucas and Espee. They looked at each other knowingly as Lucas retreated back into the hallway. Espee shut the bedroom door, and Lucas could hear something thrown against the wall as he walked away.

"She'll come around," Espee said, shaking her head with annoyance. "Lucas, I think we need to have a talk. Can you come downstairs with me?"

Lucas had dreaded this moment from the first time he kissed Ceres. They walked down the stairs in silence as Lucas felt like he was walking to the gallows to be hanged.

"Have a seat," Espee said, her tone indecipherable to Lucas. He felt sweat beading on the back of his neck as he sat down at the kitchen table. Espee sat across from him, stone-faced. Torture! Miserable torture!

"I saw you and Ceres kissing the other night," she said. There was no anger in her voice - it was gentle, maternal as it always was, and Lucas couldn't hear any disappointment in it either. "I must say, it's not what I ever expected to see, but it sort of feels natural, if that makes any sense. You're not siblings but you're always together - and with how we found you - Cybele's divine providence upon us - her blessings seem as if they have not stopped multiplying. I am so grateful that you came to us when you did. Ceres had been so lonely."

Lucas didn't know how that made him feel. He hated the idea of the Goddess having any pull in his life, and he hated more that Espee was attributing his hard work and affection and love to something he couldn't see and frankly couldn't have given less of a care about.

"With Joel gone all the time for work, and me just trying to keep everything floating in the house, Ceres had just been sort of rudderless for a long while. She would hole herself up in her room and not want to talk to anyone. She hated it when Joel would go away."

"What're you getting at?" Lucas said, perhaps sharper than he meant to. That drew consternation from Espee.

"She's worried, you know. It's written all over her face when she looks at you that she loves you. I'm shocked it took me this long to realize it, but perhaps I was trying to deny the truth of it. It feels serendipitous. Like you were meant to love her, and her to love you."

"This is weird. I want to go to my room now, Espee."

"Yes, of course it's weird, but how often do we actually just talk like this?"

"We don't? Do we?"

"You're always up in your room or Ceres' room. It's like pulling teeth to even know what's going on in your day sometimes. I've had questions, and now I have some answers."

"Good," Lucas shook his head. "But I really, really just want to go back upstairs now. I'm getting a headache from all of this."

Espee relented. "I suppose. There's some medica in the cabinet if you're out, just me know and I'll get something together for you."

"Thanks," he said, feeling his temples throbbing. He usually felt this way after an argument - usually the arguments were substantially longer, and even though Lucas felt exposed and embarrassed by having been found out by Espee, he appreciated her timely intervention tacitly.

"You know I care about you both very much. If this is what you want to do, Ceres will have to work on stopping being so jealous. I know this well, too - for the first year before Ceres was born, I had so many nerves about Joel that we would argue and shout and... well, those days have passed. Most of the time, anyway. Would you mind if I talked to her?"

"Uh, I guess?" Lucas said, the awkwardness of the moment permeating. It felt gross, and Lucas hated it.

"It won't be today, but I'll make sure that at least the seed to stop it is planted in her head. Just... just bear it for now, will you?"

Lucas did not like that question, and he hoped the disgust was apparent on his face. It was a stupid question. Why should he have to bear any sort of abuse like that? Was it expected of him to do so? He'd already had enough of that for a lifetime in his early days in Riamal Haven - just grinning and bearing it - but from Espee?

He said nothing as she stood from the table and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Let's talk again soon, alright? Perhaps one of these days Ceres and I will get you to come to church with us. Who knows? It might be interesting to you."

Lucas smiled, thin-lipped. He shook his head as Espee walked away, and sat alone in the kitchen, staring at the ceiling.