“They spun a web for me”

~ "Trouble" Cold Play

ANYA: “Ok, so obviously I didn’t sleep last nite. I hope I don’t fall running this morn. I cried when I read your texts and I’ll explain later why.”

ANYA: “Ok so first of all, I’m not ok. I was really taken back yesterday but I understand you were very upset. Idk what set it off. I sat my purse down and helped out.”

ANYA: “My brother had 120 people at the party and it was at a hotel w/tons of kids, elders I had to attend to. My parents, etc. I had to hold my niece all night.”

ANYA: “I attended the “kids” activities tables, made sure all the little kids were entertained, made sure my kids were fed and engaging etc. Didn’t even eat myself.”

ANYA: “It was a big deal. I stayed after to help clean up and load up their cars and my car w/gifts, decorations etc. I had to drive over to theirs. I was wiped out.”

ANYA: “I told you a year and a half ago if I don’t respond it’s b/c I can’t for some reason not b/c I want to ignore you. I have basic human respect and courtesy.”

After I read her texts, I felt bad, but let’s face it—that was her mission. She was right and I had to be wrong about everything I ever felt. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me this yesterday, instead it only made me wonder why she waited until this morning. Again, she never mentioned anything to her ‘best friend” about her niece’s birthday party? One as large as this one? I couldn’t believe it. The truth of the matter still ruled my head; I’ve lost trust in Anya. Even as hard it would be to believe that the details divulged suggested she wasn’t making this up, I still questioned if this was the truth only because she chose to share it now. If she had text this to me yesterday, I would’ve trusted it, but maybe this is also what she wanted to tell me over the phone, and not have to type out. In fairness, I hit her with something yesterday that was pretty emotional and maybe she just didn’t get around to telling me the details. The bottom line was this—if I didn’t trust Anya, then it was clear I had to do either one of two things. One, just end things for good or two, trust her and seek counseling. Her texts made me feel somewhat delusional, as if I made the scenario up in my head, but it’s a “learned behavior” now. It broke my heart to use her words against her, but couldn’t she see the hypocrisy in them at all? When she defended her husband, I questioned it. When she told me she hadn’t kissed him since she met me, I questioned it because she told me she never kissed him when we met—that also led me to believe she wasn’t engaging in any sexual activity with him. After my horrible luck with love, I put my entire trust in her. I know she wanted to pursue a relationship with me, but if she planned to omit things about her life, she loved me to mislead me if she stayed for any reason. Could she not understand how she wronged me at all? Could she not see how her truth by omission was not telling me the truth at the beginning? Anya was like a lawyer who exhibited half truths to win a case. This was a tactic from her that left me horribly changed inside. Not only was I losing my faith in love, I was losing the willingness to trust another woman ever again.

ANYA: “I shouldn’t have to defend myself.”

ME: “No, but a lot has changed between us over the last year and a half. There are more feelings and emotions involved now, and you have to be sensitive to that too.”

ANYA: “I know u wonder about what goes on at home b/c I wonder too. We are not together anymore and I’m trying to accept that. Only time will heal and tell.”

ME: “It’s not the same, Anya. I’ve told you over the last 18 months, there’s only you in my heart even if you consider us “not together”. That doesn’t change at all. You have no worry there. Do you honestly think I can just jump in bed with someone else after all we’ve shared? You know how much I love you. If I didn’t love you I would never give you grief about anything. On the other hand, I know what goes on at your home, and it’s hard on me when you choose to stay for any reason. It raised questions in my head.”

ANYA: “Every time I feel better about us and start letting my guard down you blast me with something which totally blows me away.”

ME: “Maybe you should have been completely upfront with me about everything when we met and not after I fell in love with you if you didn’t want to be “blasted”? I feel you hid a lot of stuff and I shouldn’t have been required to ask when I didn’t know what to ask. I counted on you to lead me in the right direction. I didn’t think that being together would ever hurt the kids. You’ve had kids when you saw Lance. They were there before we reconnected. I don’t understand. Why would I want to be in that position? A position where my happiness would also equate to their sorrow? Why would I put myself in a position to have another broken heart? Why would I even want to put you in this position? So I could just feel loved? To say I “blast” you knowing this is grossly unfair to say.”

ANYA: “I did trust you with my heart. I don’t mean just being faithful. Know what it feels like to hurt and wonder someone else lying next to someone u want. U know that.”

ME: “Sweetheart, there’s no one lying next to me though. That’s the difference. You know that.”

ANYA: “I trusted you w/everything. I still trust you but I’m weary and you can’t blame me. You told me you wouldn’t tell him so we can take a chance at it. I took that chance.”

ME: “What chance babe? The chance he would give you a choice? Do you remember telling me you told Debbie “I’ll be okay, I love Landyn” if he knew that you loved me? Do you remember your text to me? My question is this. What husband, if he knew his wife was unhappy because of him, would want her to remain unhappy if he truly loves her? What man?”

Anya just didn’t seem to understand where I stood. She did trust me with a lot of things, and I never intended to tell Jackson about anything we shared. That was not the plan at all. In fact, I never had a single thought of telling him anything until I lost trust in Anya—when she appeared to misrepresent her situation to me, opting to let me find out on my own. I took a chance with her as much as she took a chance with me. How could she possibly believe I’m seeing someone else when I’m giving her all this grief? The thing that bothered me was how could she not understand how I could question things being so in love with her and knowing I’ve held on this long because I was afraid to lose her? It seemed she thought I as delusional and irrational to think the way I did, but I’ve been lied to in the past and left behind as if I never existed. When I began to consider that maybe I was crazy, there was no escape from the gaslight that shone upon me. After our conversation the prior day, I knew I would never talk to Jackson—there’s no way I could ever do that to her. I only said it in the hope she would decide to be honest with him or me. I was starting to learn though it seemed, if Jackson ever found out about us, she would stay with him, and not be with me by her inability to answer a simple question as if she was a press secretary.

ANYA: “Telling him is something I’ve accepted now. You have threatened me with it and I have given it up to God. It’s out of my control and I’m not scared.”

ME: “Why would you be scared after an 18-month relationship with me? Why does him finding out scare you? I told you I wouldn’t tell him. If I had any plans to do so, I would have done it a long time ago.”

ANYA: “If you’re going to do it, I just ask that you tell me when so I can check into a hotel w/my kids for a nite or two. I don’t want my kids to get scared. Then I’d just have to beg for forgiveness and not tell the kids. You’d just give him more power against me b/c he’d have that to use. It would only hurt me and the kids.”

One of those texts I couldn’t believe I had just read. “beg for forgiveness”? After all we’ve shared? After all he had ever put her through, she would beg him for forgiveness? I couldn’t tell you was crazier; Jackson or Anya? Why would she not tell him the truth? She told me our relationship and love represented goodness, and it did. He would then tell the kids on her? Anya loved me. What was his excuse for wrecking another man’s marriage? After I heard this, there would be no way if I ever told Jackson, I’d give Anya the heads up. I feared she would protect Jackson and not protect herself. I wanted the kids to see the real Jackson, and the real Anya. But again, I refused to put her in a position to be hurt even as she put me in the position only to be hurt, the position I was in right now. A position I trusted her love to never put me in. She then laid it on thick, with a little manipulation, and a dash of politics.

ANYA: “So as your best friend, I just ask if you can tell me when so I can plan on removing them for the night.”

Her texts were hard for me to digest, so I remained silent. They bothered me so much I couldn’t promise her as much as she couldn’t promise me anything. I didn’t want her to hurt, but I wanted her to see my world just as much as she saw hers as she continued to text me.

ANYA: “I know you’re not a mean guy. One of the reasons I cried was b/c your texts showed me the sweet guy that I know and that I fell in love with. I didn’t know you yesterday.”

ANYA: “You tell me all these kinds of things happen to you over and over but we were not “these kind of things”. It was beyond that. It was so special and out of this world.”

ANYA: “I’m not just another girl who “disrespected” your heart. I truly love you. I took a chance with my inexperienced heart. My heart was out there along with yours.”

Not quite.

ME: “It’s just different Anya. There is nothing for me to fall back on. if it doesn’t work out, you have your kids. You have something. I have nothing but complete darkness to fall back on. I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want sympathy. I’m just saying, you do have something at the very least to fall back on. I’m not minimizing your heartache, babe because I know how you feel. I have seen it in your tears. I felt the pain in your stomach because I’ve felt that same pain many times, almost every night. I see you in pain and I know how you feel. I know you laid it on the line for me too, but it’s is much easier for you to rebound from because of your kids. You will only prove that to me over time. I know I’m right about this. I trusted you to know love is more than just a word. That it’s a verb before it can become a noun. Even my inexperienced heart knew that much.”

I trusted in Anya’s pain. In her heartbreak with Jackson. That she loved him at one time as much as she loved me, but apparently, I was wrong. I did find it astonishing, the day I decided to act like a “mean” guy, she couldn’t stop responding to me as she started to text me again.

ANYA: “I respect your mom. I felt this strange connection with her. When I met you the first time you told me she was suffering from cancer and that you’re helping to take care of her.”

ANYA: “Idk if you remember but when I saw you again the second time around, I asked how your mom was doing I never forgot her illness and you.”

ANYA: “Of course I haven’t forgotten about Abalone Cove. I made Carolyn promise me and she has all the info. I told you that. What we had was very special.”

ANYA: “I’m not going to ever forget what we’ve shared. I thank God everyday for what was given to us. I really tried and took a chance.”

She thanked God but she looked at our love as hurting kids? Her words didn’t make sense to me. I also didn’t like the past tense Anya used and it set me off again inside—she just could never could understand my pain. Then again, maybe she used the past tense because she knew I could only take so much and it was said in the past tense out of respect. She could thank God for the pain she felt, but I surely didn’t appreciate it. I made every effort before our relationship began to not be in this position—to see what my eyes did on my cell phone screen. It even felt like she had planned this all. That she went in half-heartedly and never full heartedly as she led me to believe. I didn’t want her ashes at all—I wanted her. Although I know she didn’t intend to be mean in her words, that’s the only way I could interpret them as she took a lot more than two years of my life by her willingness to beg a man who cheated on her several times for forgiveness. Her words dismantled me enough to want to end this joke of a life. I know she cared, but at the same time her words seemed to suggest the tears she cried were from the eyes of a crocodile as she then took her texts to a whole other level.

ANYA: “The other reason I cried was b/c of what you said about my kids and my parenting. I didn’t have much growing up but love. I was showered with love from my parents.”

ANYA: “Just b/c I had love didn’t mean I didn’t envy other friends with “things”. We didn’t have the means to go and get what we wanted. It always made me sad.”

When I read her second text, I could see how great her parents were, but Anya’s “envy” was the thing that led her to Jackson. If I had any doubts she was there for the money, her text turned a theory into fact—material things and the means to obtain these things were more important than love. Did she still love her husband because he provides these things to her kids? So was that the reason she will “beg for his forgiveness”, after she told me money and things didn’t lead to happiness? The only sad part to me as I read her texts, was how intact her little girl thinking still was. Maybe she just meant to share this to let me know why she got caught in Jackson’s web, but my heart was so involved, it affected me. Her texts weren’t meant to take a direct shot at me, but their intent was to notify me in an indirect way that her kids would not have the means to go and get what they wanted if she was with me. As any man would, I took it personally because she claimed to love me. I remained silent and read as she divulged her parenting philosophy.

ANYA: “I know you’re right that they get a lot. I guess I give them more b/c I have unresolved issues as a little girl not being able to have everything my friends had.”

ME: “You told me “money and things don’t lead to happiness”. Weren’t these issues already resolved when you met me? Why are you choosing to not teach your kids that? Were your parents poor?”

ANYA: “We were not dirt poor but if my parents had more to give they would have. What parent wouldn’t? It’s just nature.”

ME: “ok.”

ANYA: “What u don’t know is that they are really good kids and that I’m tough on them. In return for spoiling them they have to give their 100% in life. They get straight A’s except for Katie’s final year in grade school but she was able to reflect and recognize at her tender years to not make those mistakes. They recycle and make money, they sell their old things online to generate money, they do chores to make money and give to charity. They give 100% to their sport of choice. They never fight. They respect their friends. They try to save money whenever they can by researching. They really r good kids. I’m not trying to justify my actions but they do deserve some credit.”

ME: “I think they’re great kids. I think you’re a great mom too. I never questioned that at all.”

ANYA: “I’m going to quit now. I almost told him last nite. Just know that I still talk to you b/c I love you, not b/c I’m scared. Just remember our moments.”

After I read her last text, I now feared her love only existed for me because it was a secret. That she referred to me as her “best friend” only to lead me into guilt if I ever questioned it. That her love for me was now as a friend, not a lover and leaving me to feel more misled than ever before. After she finished her texts, I tried to focus on work but an hour later she texted me again—even though it didn’t matter, I lost all focus anyway.

ANYA: “Sorry for the long messages. I wish u well. I love you to the Abalone Cove and beyond.”

There was no greater schism that existed between her long texts—full of excuses not to be with me. And my long texts—full of nothing but love for her. I guess she felt emboldened to send me long texts if they were done in the past tense, yet I had to look upon them as acts of great love for me when they didn’t feel like love at all. Whatever love remained in her heart for me was in the past and what remained was a fight for my demotion because she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. She didn’t want me to hate her because she feared her kids would find out the truth about our love, and to me. that wasn’t the Anya I knew and fell in love with. The Anya I knew and fell in love with disappeared months ago without me even realizing it. If she truly loved me, if she truly ever wanted to be with me, she wouldn’t just promise me one day. She would make it happen, and she certainly would never say “I wish you well” and make me feel I was only worthy of her ashes.

ANYA: “Did I make sense? U ok?”

ME: “I’m ok. What do you think he would do to you if you feel the need to get a hotel room? Why isn’t he taking responsibility for any of this?”

ANYA: “He wouldn’t do anything. Just don’t want the kids to hear our discussions and/or arguments. Would need him to think first before he speaks. No, he knows it’s his fault.”

When Anya texted me this, I better understood the process, but if she planned to tell him, she had to tell him nothing less than the truth and all she ever allowed and encouraged me to feel. He should also know about Abalone Cove as well. And that’s what I feared; he would only receive Anya’s lies, and not an ounce of the truth. If what she did plan to tell him was the truth though, I deserved the right to know. I would settle for her telling him nothing less than the complete truth.

ANYA: “Sorry about all the typos earlier. Was emotional and crying – couldn’t see. Ha!”

ME: “You did just fine. Didn’t even notice.”

ANYA: “Thank you.”

ME: “How were you going to tell your husband?”

ANYA: “Idk. I was just going to start and let things take its course.”

ME: “Ok. I was just curious. I’m glad you didn’t. Sorry to put you in that position.”

ANYA: “We don’t really communicate but this would force me to communicate more which I don’t want. I guess it would be an opportunity to talk.”

Only in the world of the wealthy, did a marriage like this exist. Did Anya really want the same kind of marriage for both Katie and Andrew? One with zero communication?

ME: “Why wouldn’t you want to communicate with him?”

ANYA: “Want to communicate? You know why. It will force me to open up and resolve my anger. He will look at it as we’re even now and let’s start fresh and solid.”

ME: “Ok.”

ANYA: “The thing is my anger will not be resolved. You know what I want. I don’t want him to take this as an opportunity to make things all nice.”

ANYA: “Well “If” I were to leave one day I wouldn’t have that for him to use against me. I could always say I’m still angry. If I tell him I’m stuck for good.”

More confused than ever, I began to feel bad for the way I interpreted her texts. If her anger would never be resolved, why would and how could she stay? Anya fell in love with another man, unlike Jackson who went and had sex with several different women. Why couldn’t she justify our love on those grounds? Was this love not worth fighting for? Maybe she still loved me more than a friend and I let my past get in the way of it, but would she really be “stuck for good” if he knew? Why couldn’t she believe in the goodness of our love if she were to leave? How could she have shared all she did with me, knowing her anger would never be resolved, and not vouch for me and the reason I was in her life? People left marriages for other people all the time, and most of the time it was for a lot less of a relationship than Anya and I had. I didn’t know what to think as my heart weighed in the balance.

ME: “What is it you want?”

ANYA: “Happiness but don’t want to hurt the kids. You know all this Landyn. It hasn’t changed. Still “don’t know”. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to give you hope. No way.”

She didn’t want to give me hope? Didn’t she already do that by the way she chose to love me? Didn’t she want the pressure to stop? Why would she allow someone to feel so much for her and tell them “I’m not trying to give you hope”? Was I not her hope too? I guess after all we went through yesterday, it was something she didn’t want to inspire in me because I might break down emotionally again. Here, I didn’t want her to walk on eggshells and she obliges and I feel crushed by what she sent me.

ANYA: “The minute he finds out I will surrender my phone over to him. I’d have to get a new number.”

ME: “Why couldn’t you just reply to my text to let me know all you were doing at your niece’s party so all my craziness could have been avoided?”

ANYA: “Maybe b/c I was too upset to reply. It doesn’t matter now. You say you won’t say anything and I believe you but it doesn’t matter. I’m pretty numb now. I give it to God.”

ME: “I told you I’m not going to tell him anything, and I mean it. I’m going to seek professional help. I think I need to.”

ANYA: “Do you have someone in mind?”

ME: “Not yet, but I’ll let you know.”

Upset about what? Asking her if she had other plans for the weekend? Was I wrong about all I felt? Was I not being fair to her? Was I “blasting” her for what others have done to me in the past? Although accepting a demotion to friend was impossible, maybe there was a way I could save our love by looking inside first before I looked outside? I loved Anya more than life itself, and I didn’t want to hurt her ever again, let alone feel I needed to talk to Jackson. If her anger would never be resolved, an anger she admitted still existed, then I needed to fight off my ill feelings about the status of our relationship.

Later that evening, Anya sent me a text to get me caught up on her daily events.

ANYA: “They just won the city championship game. Just wanted you to know.”

ME: “Happy for Andrew and his teammates. I hope you’re ok over there.”

ANYA: “I’m not totally ok. Miss our friendship.”

ME: “I miss it too, babe.”

ANYA: “I know you said friendship is not good enough and you won’t accept that but I hope we can at least be “friends” one day. I don’t want to lose you. It’s me, u know. It’s ok if you’re not okay with it.”

ME: “Maybe one day.”

I recalled the time when Anya told me “maybe one day” in regards to us being together. I remembered how it hurt she didn’t know, so I couldn’t say my response didn’t have a tinge of wanting her to know how it feels in it. I guess she felt I pushed her away by wanting her to be something she couldn’t be right now and for me not to accept a friendship left her to feel abandoned and hopeless. After all, women were different than men, but my heart was broken when she pulled away because it seemed she misrepresented her situation to me—likely why she chose to date me because I wasn’t in her inner circle of friends, like Lance was. Anya’s response to talk to her husband, seemed like he had never done her wrong a day in her life, a scary feeling for me. It led me to feel trapped because of the enormous feelings I had for her. At lease enough to know if I lost her, I would lose my life as well. I trusted her love for me. I trusted her pain. I trusted her tears. I trusted her actions and words. I trusted they would never leave me in the current position I was in, or to ever feel the need to talk to her husband. I sensed she wanted to dodge any responsibility for the way I felt, even when she told me she felt responsible for taking two years of my life. I wanted to believe in her love for me more than the belief she didn’t love me. I would not be satisfied with a friendship, and if she wanted marriage support from me, she wouldn’t get it after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel. To let me go, to threaten that Jackson would “come after me” was inconsistent with the love we shared. I was torn now too—between being angry with her indecision—her reckless way of loving me, and wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt—to be grateful for her love. I wanted to feel the latter, but felt buried alive by her willingness to stay with a man whose complete disregard for her heart brought her to me.

I sent Anya a text the next morning, trying to ease her mind about my threat to talk to Jackson. I thought it would be a way to learn the truth she refused to give me, but I didn’t think I’d lose her if I did so, and I wanted to believe in her love even as the signs pointed the other way.

ME: “I’m starting to notice it seems your mood depends on how we’re doing. I hope you believe me when I say I’m not going to talk to your husband. I am serious about working on me and seeking help to make sense of all these feelings I have.”

ANYA: “You’re right about my mood. I’m surprised you’re just realizing it. It doesn’t matter how much or what you tell him. In no way is it good but like I said, do it if you must.”

ME: “I have no plans to do so and never have before. I’m sorry I even mentioned it. If I really wanted to do it, I’d have already done it by now.”

ANYA: “I’m happy when we’re good but when you’re upset with me, I run b/c I feel like the cause.”

ME: “I don’t mean to be critical of the way you’re raising your kids. I’ve seen how his parents ended up causing him more bad than good. Mitch’s parents in a way screwed him up, and I don’t want the same to happen to you. Mitch used to be a straight ‘A’ student too and looked what happened to him.”

ANYA: “As far as raising my kids, in no way do I want to use SE as an example. I have other stories of friends and family members and SE is not whom I refer back to.”

In Anya’s mind she was the perfect mom, and Jackson was the perfect dad, yet I couldn’t understand how they both could let Katie go to sleep at night blaming herself for the problems they had in their marriage. Anya was a fantastic parent, but if Jackson didn’t have the kind of living that could provide their kids with rewards for their chores, there was no way she’d stay for their sake. I was up against Jackson’s money and she should’ve been honest with me about that from the beginning. They should strive to do well in school TO do well in school, and the most valuable lessons they learned in life wouldn’t come from a textbook. She put her kids in this safe space, and now I’m the one who wants them to be insecure because of the love she encouraged and allowed me to feel for her? I was beginning to realize that the man she claimed to love was comparable to a serial killer when it came to her kids. If I had made her feel that way, and the roles were reverse d, she would make me fully aware of the holes in my parenting skills. I couldn’t tell if she was a parent or a friend most of the time. I would think if she had any plans to be with me, she would’ve taken Mitch’s story into consideration and not quickly dismiss it. Anything that could give us hope, if she truly loved me the way she led me to believe, would’ve not been so quickly shot down. Then again, without the golden goose, how would her kids be bribed to get good grades? He made her a respected mother in the eyes of her children and she would lose the reward system she had in place for her kids—one of the reasons she stayed. It made me realize the true measure of a great parent—being able to have your kids get great grades without the promise of a trip to Cabo, Imacs with twenty-four-inch screens, or another horse. What Anya needed to realize, the way she chose to raise her kids affected me; another thing she conveniently left out when we met.

ANYA: “As a parent you do what you think is best for them given no previous experience. In no way am I claiming to be an expert but I try to do the best possible.”

ANYA: “All I can do is the best job possible and hope for the best. You can’t map out a child’s life and expect a certain outcome. It’s a chance you take.”

It was evident, the chance she took only existed because of the reward system Jackson provided. To be with me would take away the reward system, the real reason she stayed for the sake of the kids.

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

ANYA: “There are no algorithms to follow for raising a child a certain way and the outcome guaranteed. This is all new for me. I was still a “kid” when I had them.”

ANYA: “I’m not a bad person and in no way perfect. I try in life, I take chances, I learn along the way and take what life deals my way.”

Now she was suddenly “not a bad person”, a phrase she used to describe her husband and the comparison rattled me inside. I felt bad that Anya felt like she had to defend herself, but maybe she knew the way she raised them was something that she couldn’t change—that she acknowledged the choices she made to raise them is why she broke my heart? If the roles were reversed, she would find naturally find holes in my parenting skills because of all I allowed and encouraged her to feel for me. I wasn’t trying to hurt her, but trying to get her to understand how her parenting skills kept us from being together—a blockade I never expected to encounter. As far as taking chance in life are concerned, we all do that to some degree, but you never try to take chances with someone else’s heart in the mix—you only take chances in life that would affect you, not others. I don’t think she considered how her texts came off as selfish, and I’m sure if she did, she wouldn’t have sent them. There was just no empathy in them at all for how I felt—just sympathy for herself. I didn’t want to respond to her texts—too afraid to write the wrong thing.

ANYA: “I didn’t go out to meet anyone two years ago. I didn’t want to take a chance when we met, it just happened. I didn’t want to hurt you or myself.”

If this was true then why didn’t she tell me this in the beginning so I could make the best decision for myself? Less than twenty four hours earlier, she communicated that she “really really wanted to change things”. Why didn’t she tell me that the gross infidelities didn’t matter because without Jackson, there would be no reward system for her kids to be successful in life? Jackson had been so emotionally and mentally abusive to this woman, she seemed to transform into a version of the same monster. The Anya I knew and loved began to dissipate before my very eyes, announcing the arrival of the real Anya who believed money and things did lead to happiness. It felt Jackson’s emotionally abusive ways towards her were now being transferred to me. With every text she sent, it seemed she never felt the way she led me to believe she did.

ANYA: “I didn’t know what was happening except that my heart went with what felt right at the time I’m crushed just like you are. It’s just not about you.”

The difference was this—she broke my heart with all she failed to make me aware of when we met and, in my mind, there was no excuse for it. She was a forty-year-old woman, not a twenty-year-old woman—she knew what she was doing. It seemed to be an admission that she does whatever she wants and if anyone gets hurt, oh well, I hurt too so it’s all good. Take away her home; kids and friends, then she would truly understand how selfish her words were. When I read “with what felt right at the time” it made me sick. It’s not that she loved me that hurt, it’s that she allowed me to love her without restraint. Again, I decided to keep quiet and let her continue to dig her own grave. Her reckless disregard for my heart, considering only her own, made it seem she had never been hurt by her husband a day in her life. I didn’t doubt she was crushed, but as much as I was? She didn’t fight for me—her texts nothing but a clinic in fighting against me.

ANYA: “My life has been turned upside down and I’m in a deep hole I can’t get out of. I’m reminded everyday by my kids that they need me. I’m reminded of my sadness.”

The hole she never made me aware of in the beginning. The hole that was she referred to as baggage was the hole she threw me in—the day she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her that I couldn’t get out of. Then, just when I thought I heard it all, she hit me with another jab.

ANYA: “Yes I’m older than you but that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. Just trying to say that I try and have tried my best and I’m not perfect.”

Anya was three years older than me, not thirteen years older like Jackson was. I don’t know why she believed all because she was older than I was, that she was looked upon as some kind of wise sage. What did age have anything to do with this, especially only a three-year age difference? Did she think since she was older, she could pull the wool over my eyes, like she could with her children?

ANYA: “Don’t hate me and punish me for taking that chance and loving you. I’m only human.”

She needed to consider, if she did feel punished, it wasn’t because she loved me, but because she allowed and encouraged me to love her, deeply without telling me all aboiut the hole she was in. She seemed to forget she told me that Lance left her because she had kids, not for that she decided to stay for the sake of them. As badly as I wanted to see her side and tell her it was okay, every admission was like feeling a 7.0 earthquake from within—it really shook me up.

ME: “I don’t hate you nor do I want to punish you. Don’t you think it’s a good thing to teach your kids that money and things don’t lead to happiness though? That there are things more valuable in life than money? That they should get good grades to get good grades, not because they will be rewarded with “things”? Why do they need these perks to be successful? You’re a good parent Anya, but some of the things you place the most value on is wrong, and could hurt them one day. Have you ever considered this?”

ANYA: “Ok then you don’t know my kids. One thing you don’t want to do is attack someone on their parenting skills. Good, bad or indifferent, it’s just not what you do.”

Unfortunately, Anya’s method of parenting affected my life as her reward based learning system relied on remaining married to Jackson Caiaphas, and I felt betrayed because of it. She had no right to tell me all she did about Jackson, allowing me to care for her happiness that only assured a great agony. For her to look upon my response as an “attack” seemed to suggest she knew I was right about it. I learned with every character she typed that she would always fight to stay with him for the money, and his ability to provide this reward-based performance system that kept her kids in line so she could remain “Mom of the year” every passing year. No matter what my love for her fought, she viewed her situation that if she left to be with me, she couldn’t love her kids because of the reward system in place. Essentially, without a reward system, her kids would not be successful in life. All she cared about where the eyes looking down upon her while mine now went ignored.

ANYA: “I hope that no one ever lectured my mom for her parenting skills. That would make me sad cuz I know she did her best.”

I started to feel bad for Anya, and began to reconsider the harshness in how I presented myself to her as she felt attacked. What she didn’t understand that the way she chose to parent her kids that required Jackson’s money to do so, it felt like she lied to me about any chances we had of being together any time soon, and all this pain I felt, that consumed me every second that I would feel for a very long time could’ve been avoided if she were honest from the beginning. She knew from the very beginning if she had been truthful about why she was still there, I would’ve never given her a chance. Knowing that, why would she do that to me without thinking she had a responsibility for following through? I don’t think she even considered for a second any of the positives that would lead me to believe she truly hoped to be with me. Anya told me the only reason she was still married to Jackson was because no one was there for her if she left and also because she thought no one wanted to deal with her kids. I put complete faith in all she said and believed her happiness was worth fighting for. When she started to fill me in on the details she purposely omitted so I’d feed her ego, I didn’t expect any of these blockades that surrounded me after all I had gone through, even battling through having to use a drug to level the emotions. What felt like “attacks” and “blasts” to her, she felt wronged by because she couldn’t look back at herself and go “ok, I can see why he could be upset”. Now, my entire career and life weighed in the balance because I put faith in all she told me about Jackson. She attacked me every single time she tried to defend him and made me aware of things she should’ve told me in the beginning so I could make the best decision for myself, and even her. All because she hurt too didn’t make it right for me to hurt. Not once did she look into herself, like I attempted to do. When she hit me with the stuff, she should’ve made me aware of two years earlier, my natural reaction was to defend myself. She put me in the same hole she was in and it was wrong—the only thing truly wrong about all of this. If I didn’t feel misled before, I felt completely misled now. I felt she cared for me, but she didn’t truly love me. If she truly loved me, she would have saw this as constructive criticism, or at least looked into why I would say such things. Wouldn’t true love see the good in us and not the bad? I wasn’t asking her to abandon the kids, but to live an honest life by leaving Jackson. Anya loved her kids, no doubt as she should, but all she only consulted with biased people who raised their kids the same way. I saw firsthand how people were against the way these kids were brought up these days, privileged and entitled, and in need of safe spaces if they didn’t like that they heard, much like Anya seemed to want at this time. A safe place where the truth could never find its way to her. I knew I had hurt her with how I presented my views, but the pain I felt because of her lack of full disclosure tore me organ from organ, limb from limb. I didn’t know how to tuck away the pain anymore and even the drug was starting to make matters worse.

I respected Anya’s mother, but look at her own daughter, who married a guy for his money and status, so she could be “popular”. So she could be the friend people envied instead of the one who envied others. Who turned into someone that now appeared to always have been as bad of a person as Jackson. Anya wasn’t going to leave the man who rewarded her kids for getting good grades, something they should have done anyway.

ME: “I’m not trying to put you down. All I’m saying is to consider what you’re teaching them by staying. You’re teaching them that your marriage is normal. Don’t you want more for them in life than money?”

ANYA: “I don’t want to talk about what I’m “teaching” my children. You don’t know.”

She got that right—I didn’t know what the hell she was trying to teach them. Katie’s act of rebellion in her 7th grade year was all I needed to know about what she taught them—love is a fairy tale and unrealistic. It’s better to live a false life predicated upon money and having things. Keep yourself as busy as possible and ignore the world around you. I felt bad for both Katie and Andrew—to know what life had in store for them and wondering if they had enough skills to cope. That they would end up just like their parents—living a false unhappy existence. Knowing Anya had to know this, I found it hard to believe she wanted the same for them.

ME: “Do you ever wonder why Katie rebelled? It’s because you’re keeping her so busy so she doesn’t pick up on anything wrong with the marriage. Teenagers shouldn’t be having nervous breakdowns. That’s for adults to have. Just my opinion.”

ANYA: “If this is about the Imacs I’m sorry if I even confided in you. I don’t want to tell you things and have you throw it back at me. You’re my friend, not my dad.”

ME: “It’s not about the Imacs at all. I think they need those in today’s education environment. This is about the kids having “things” if you stay with him versus if you stay with me. You’re choosing your husband over me so they’ll be driving their own car in high school and being “cool and popular”. You think with me they would hate you and have nothing, and I’m a little more than a friend, I think. If I share my body and my life with someone I want you to treat me with a little more consideration than that.”

ANYA: “You have it all wrong. You’re not a parent, you’ll never understand. For the last time it’s not money and it’s not you against him.”

ME: “Sure. Whatever.”

“You’re still there because of the reward system you have put in place for your kids to perform, and without your husband, that doesn’t work. Another thing you should have told me from the beginning.” I thought but kept to myself. I couldn’t be convinced now this wasn’t about Jackson’s money as I fully believed she would be gone by now if it wasn’t. This wasn’t about the kids but about possibly losing what Jackson provided them with such as horses, and soon to be, cars.

ANYA: “Btw who said they are getting cars in HS? They’ve been saving forever. If Katie only has $1,500 by driving time, guess what? She’ll buy a car worth that much.”

ME: “Let me get this straight. When Katie was 3 or 5 years old, you bought her a horse ranch. My money is on her driving a BMW regardless if she has the money or not when she is in HS.”

Katie deserved the Beemer in High School. She deserved the horse ranch and all the horses. She busted her tail, but my problem with it is that Anya brought me into her life. And allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her without reservations or any fear that I would not be up against horse ranches and boats and everything else she gave them.

ANYA: “I don’t want to have any more negative feelings. We are not together. If you change your mind as a friend one day, I’d be grateful.”

ME: “I don’t know, Anya. I would always want more.”

ANYA: “Then what’s the solution? I can’t live w/bad feelings. Not good for you either.”

ME: “I don’t want us to have bad feelings either. I would like for us to be together.”

ANYA: “I can’t do it.”

When I heard Anya’s response, I couldn’t blame her. I needed a promise from her, and not to be with her, but people had to understand this was life or death for me. Truly, life or death. If there was no hope for us to be together, there’s no way I could continue this life.

ANYA: “Too many months of bad feelings, sadness, pressure and fear. I can’t do it.”

Her words paralyzed my mind, leaving me in a true state of madness. Did she put me in this position to feel this way on purpose? She had to know no matter what I did for her, she was in a hole she would only get out of if the same safety was provided to her kids and she knew from the very beginning I would fall short. These bad feelings of sadness, pressure and fear were brought upon by her dishonesty with me about the real reason she was still there. Opting instead to hide it from me, tell me about her husband’s infidelities because she knew I’d try and save her. I trusted that her unhappiness mattered and it did, but as long as everything remained intact for her kids. I felt both greatly loved and greatly wronged by the sadness, pressure and fear her omissions unfairly gave me. Instead of a woman like Denise, who chose to give me hints along the way to figure out, Anya allowed me to fall into a trap where my love for her would truly be put to the test unfairly. In her mind. if I were to feel an ounce of anger over this, I couldn’t have possibly loved her. I was beyond beside myself that she allowed me to love her deeply and care about her happiness that would only lead me to be harmed. I trusted her to catch me and be with me if she fell in love with me. I couldn’t blame her for the way she felt, but she also couldn’t get upset at me for the way I felt. I would not accept a demotion. Not after all I gave to her that led me feel my death would be the only solution to this pain. She brought me way too far to let me go like this, something even if I were a parent, would never do to her. I would’ve made a promise to her and chose to be honest with my kids especially if I carried anger that would never be resolved. I would’ve never allowed them to go to bed at night believing they were to blame for me wanting to divorce my wife. I would be strong enough to teach my kids about real values, and not just about the value of money and things—that those things weren’t the only means used to reward kids with. That love is what led to happiness and not material things. That you get good grades because you’re supposed to, not because you’ll get an Ipod if you do. I would vouch for the one I loved and believe in them. I would trust them that everything would work out for the best. I’d believe in love, especially this love. That was me though, and not the woman Anya portrayed herself to be the night we met. Anya may have been so mentally ill, the only person who could save her was the little girl with unresolved issues—herself. Or maybe I just had to face the most painful truth of all; what we had wasn’t special enough to her.

ME: “I think you only want a friendship out of fear not love. The same reason you stay in your marriage.”

ANYA: “What fear? I want a friendship out of love but if you can’t give me that then I can’t do anything about it.”

ME: “You’re afraid I’ll tell him, so that’s why you want to hold on to me as a friend.”

ANYA: “Know what? Telling him? I told you I don’t care anymore! Go ahead and do what you want!”

ME: “I don’t want to be unauthentic but I just would always want more. After all I’ve shared with you, after I truly gave you everything, you want just a friendship. That’s not love. Love catches the people who fall.”

ANYA: “I refuse to feel bad anymore!”

ME: “Do what you have to do. I won’t accept a friendship after all we’ve shared together. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I know I deserve more than your feelings of guilt. You feeling “bad” never stopped you anyway. I don’t want your sympathy.”

ANYA: “Know what? I’ve been so patient with your feelings and you just keep jabbing me. I try to tell you how much I care but you don’t care about what I’m going through! I quit!”

ME: “If you truly cared about my feelings you would find a way to be with me, and not make excuses not to. You cared about my feelings so much you couldn’t even make me a promise to be with me so I could feel safe in your love for me.”

ANYA: “Stop messing with my heart! You’re making it very difficult to love you.”

ME: “If my friendship means so much to you and if you truly love me, why don’t you make a promise to be with me? That’s the real solution.”

ANYA: “Just stop. No more pressure! I’m done.”

ME: “Amazing.”

ANYA: “I could say the same thing!”

ME: “I love you too much. I couldn’t accept a friendship. I’m sorry.”

ANYA: “So that’s how you treat someone you love?”

She wouldn’t have spent so much time with me trying to resolve this issue if she didn’t love me. She wanted the friendship so she could keep her hope alive and I was so distraught I couldn’t see what she was trying to accomplish. In a way, she even took the blame, trying to explain why she didn’t know, and all I did was give her absolute grief over it while she was grieving. She’s right—I was blowing it. I was sick in both heart and mind over this that I didn’t know what I was fighting her over. I was basically doing the same thing to her that I believed she did to me, and that’s when I knew I needed help. I hated that she was letting Jackson win—letting him destroy our hopes, wishes and dreams and it felt like she sided with him. I guess I had developed an ego too by Anya loving me. The critic inside made me feel like she was messing with my heart too when she couldn’t make me a promise, yet my love for her never wavered even without it. But without my friendship, a tool she would only use to manipulate me with, I was no longer worthy of her love. I began to sense the grounds her love for me existed on were simply that her marriage remained preserved and intact, and my heart felt disgraced after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. I was quickly learning, this relationship could only exist on Anya’s terms, and not on my terms. Didn’t true love simply exist on the terms of two people, not just one?

ME: “My feelings are stronger than yours for me. I can’t accept a friendship.”

ANYA: “Stronger than mine?”

ME: “Yes. My feelings are much stronger for you. You’d feel the same way if you were me. I’d always want to be with you.”

ANYA: “It’s not tit for tat, Landyn. It’s clear that you feel I don’t understand your point of view and clear that you don’t understand my point of view.”

ME: “I don’t think this relationship was ever about me anyway.”

ANYA: “Do you think it matters at this point? My heart has been ripped in pieces so it doesn’t matter what you or I think.”

ME: “Not my intention to rip your heart in pieces, but rest assured my heart will never be recoverable.”

ANYA: “My kids have been waiting very patiently to go to the library all morning but mom has been in her room upset all morning. They cleaned up the house waiting for me.”

ME: “I’m sorry.”

ANYA: “I think it’s time for me to go and try to be a “good” mother, don’t u think? Have a good day.”

It bothered me that Anya would hit me with that after she left me in complete disarray. She could have told me she promised to take the kids to the library, instead she went on a tirade and we got lost. It’s not as if I knew her kids were waiting for her. Little did she know, I didn’t go into work on this morning, nor did I have time to call in. I could lose my job, a career job, yet did I text her back to tell her how I felt? Or how many sleepless nights I’ve had over the last year because she wasn’t honest with me about the truth why she was still there? What right did she have taking my heart if she planned to hide things from me rather than have a plan to be with me?

ME: “Maybe now is the time to be honest with them, and not let them continue to believe they are the reason, and not the marriage for what they are seeing?”

ANYA: “I don’t need you to pressure and threaten me. Now I’m really angry I trusted you with everything.”

ME: “If you couldn’t handle the truth, you should have never taken my heart. You won’t get anything less than the truth from me.”

ANYA: “Know what? I’m not ok right now. Thanks a lot. You’re just doing a great job of pushing me away. I’m going to turn off my fone b/c I have to spend time with the kids.”

ME: “Ok. I’ll shut up. I hope you have a good day. Enjoy your time with them at the library.”

I had turned into a horrible human being—I couldn’t just shut up. I should’ve stopped while I was ahead, but the pain of losing her was greater than my nobility and I lost all decency. The fact she put up with this and tried to hang in there for a friendship was an incredible act of perseverance. She didn’t want just a friendship with me as much as I did with her, but she couldn’t be what she needed me to be at this time but she wanted to give me some piece of her instead of nothing. The pain her indecision gave me blinded me to it at the time. I then tried to picture the scene, as it seemed I recreated the same one she had in her hotel room when she found out Jackson had cheated on her. If I was going to lose her, my negative mind wanted to obliterate all hope. I didn’t even want a remnant of it to exist. I loved her too much and I’d never move on if I didn’t go through all the way with this suicide mission.

I finally got around to calling in sick after our textversation—fortunately the firm was understanding about my absence. I was sick though, super sick in both the heart and mind, as I laid in bed unable to move yet once again. After our conversation, when I refused all hope, I knew the end of our love was near. At about six that evening, I texted Anya.

ME: “How was the library?”

ANYA: “I never took them to the library cuz I was in no shape. Nice mom huh? Yea I really deserve an award now!”

ME: “Is it not clear enough to you that the marriage is ruining and affecting other lives, mostly yours? I hope you’re ok.”

ANYA: “I’m so angry I’m irrational and if you keep up the jabs I will only escalate.”

ME: “Is that what the truth represents to you? A jab? I’m trying to help you.”

ANYA: “Yea keep it up.

If I couldn’t tell Anya about the way I felt. If I couldn’t talk to her about her kids or her marriage after the last eighteen months, then what did I have to lose? If she considered these “jabs” then there was no reaching her. The truth was this though; I was equally angry with her but when she used the word “irrational”, I feared she may harm herself so I tried to clean up the mess I made, but also be honest with the way she made me feel.

ME: “There is no “me” texting you how I feel if there was no infidelity on his part. You’re taking this out on the wrong person, and you don’t feel an ounce of this anger or pain in your heart, and the kids get 100% of the best mom.”

ME: “I wasn’t questioning your parenting skills. Both Katie and Andrew are both healthy, smart, good kids. You’re doing a lot of things right. I know they got that way because of you.”

ME: “You’re a phenomenal one of a kind Mom. I have always believed that and you’re right, I don’t know how to raise kids but I just know b/c of what you told me that money and material things didn’t lead to happiness so maybe that would be a good thing to let them know if you hadn’t already. If we were together I’d never criticize you on the way to raise your kids because first of all, they are not my kids, and I respect that fact and second, you’re great at it.”

ME: “Of course I don’t know your kids to know they are good kids. I wish I could know them but I know who their mother is, so I also know they have to be good kids. That’s all I have to go on.”

ME: “I think the most frustrating thing for me is you hear and listen to all these things about how it would “hurt the kids” from people who are more biased, I feel, because they are mothers and they also don’t want to see you leave the neighborhood. It frustrates me because as your best friend, I have no voice because everytime I give another viewpoint, I’m sure they will argue me on it and be against me, even if it makes a lot of sense. I feel I know more than they do as your “best friend”, and it’s not fair their opinions have more weight.”

ME: “I don’t threaten people with pain especially the ones I love and I will tell you this about myself. I would never in a billion years love someone with all my heart and soul and give myself to someone else, especially one who has hurt me as he as hurt you. Even if it’s not him versus me, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt at all. This isn’t hatred. It’s pain.”

ME: “I know there’s the kid equation in there. I know I’ve been harsh at times, but it’s the pain of knowing in my heart and mind you’re better off happy.”

ME: “Telling me you hoped, wished, and dreamed for us was probably the thing you never should’ve told me without telling me at least what you needed from me to make that possible. You would have never heard a word from me.”

ME: “I’m the same guy you met 2 years ago, but I’m stuck in a painful spot right now; like I have bullets lodged in my chest. A spot I’ve never been in before, but we’re here together.”

ME: “I just wanted to be vouched for. I wanted you to defend me. I wanted you to be proud of me and our love. I wanted you to tell the world he’s here b/c he’s a good man, and I’m in love with him. I wanted you to go to bat for me, the way I would go to bat for you, and not to deny me. The fact you were not willing to do that has hurt me a lot. Just don’t judge me for it please. It’s not fair.”

ME: “Hope you’re not doing anything irrational over there.”

ME: “You mentioned that you wonder too. I’d have to sell this bed before that would happen.”

If she had done anything she considered to be “irrational”, I’d be devastated. Yes, I was hurt by all she texted me, but she was hurt too. Although we didn’t see eye to eye, I cared about her life and her well being. I planned to seek help as I felt confident once I did, maybe Anya and I could be friends again. I didn’t think I’d hear back from her as it was late and this was a lot to read, but she proved me wrong, and I appreciated it every time she did so.

ANYA: “It’s me you’re talking to. I do defend you.”

ME: “These last few days have been the worst days of my life. I don’t like to argue at all with anyone. I’m going to seek some professional help and make sure this doesn’t happen again between us. I never wanted to argue with you, today or at any time prior. Never thought I ever would.”

ANYA: “Never wanted to argue. Never argued this much in my life.”

She never argued this much in her life? Even after Jackson had cheated on her several times? I just found that hard to fathom, then again, there were a lot of love and emotions in our relationship than there ever was in her marriage. If Anya thought she could just break things off with me, as if we never existed, and I should just go into that good night, she couldn’t have been truly in love.

The next day, I didn’t hear from Anya at all—the first time she ever decided to not text me without it being agreed upon between us. Her silence, brought upon negative emotions within me once again as I tried desperately to stave them off, but when I didn’t hear from her again on the morning of the next day, I could not hold off my silence in a series of texts.

ME: “I hope you’re ok. Just so you know why I was so upset this Saturday, and so you don’t wonder what set me off, it was b/c I knew what June 20th was.”

ME: “The thought of glasses possibly being raised in honor of something that has hurt people made me sick to my stomach, and very angry, especially when I didn’t hear back, it just escalated, like your anger for me yesterday. I was only acting out in response to the way I felt I was being treated.”

ME: “I just felt it was fair for you to know what set me off. I don’t get upset without a reason and I liked that we were doing good and didn’t want to screw that up, but I felt you wouldn’t be honest with me about it anyway b/c it would upset me and ruin your night, so I had to go with my gut instinct. I’m not trying to argue with you, I just wanted you to know why I said the things I did, and that I knew what that date was.”

When Anya responded to my text, and after I reread them myself, I knew her response would not be favorable.

ANYA: “Not ok. You’re totally wrong about June 20th. I’m sure somebody in the world celebrated if that was their wedding date cuz not mine. Niece’s Bday party.”

ME: “I got the date from the Temple of Jewish Faith online newsletter and that’s what it stated although they got the number of years wrong on it. Also, you hinted your wedding date was around this time when you talked to the clairvoyant last year. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. I’m over it. Just wanted you to know what upset me enough to text the things I did.”

ANYA: “Nice. That’s what you did? Looked it up and assumed? Wow. Yea totally wrong. Can’t believe all that just b/c of…”

ME: “I didn’t just look it up. I’ve known for a year now. There were things my heart needed to know at the time I was hurting. If I’m wrong with the date, I’m sure it’s somewhat close. Be upset with the Temple of Jewish Faith for the misprint, not with me.”

If Anya couldn’t put herself in my shoes, how could she expect me to put myself in hers? Her empathy seemed to disappear and so did mine. If she didn’t celebrate it on Saturday night, I was certain she celebrated it on Friday night, or some other night without telling me. This was the part of the façade, the unknown variable, the condition that chipped away my trust in her. It seemed if she told me the truth she feared she’d lose my love, or worse yet, I’d tell her husband. In her mind, Jackson knowing would end us, and I trusted her that would never bring an end to us, but the beginning of forever.

ANYA: “At what point do you think we can be civil again? I don’t want to keep arguing back and forth with who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s really a huge turnoff.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to blame you and I don’t want you to keep blaming me. Bottom line we are two good people that fell in love and dove in together.”

I wanted the same thing she wanted. I didn’t want to blame her for the pain I felt, but I felt the pain she felt was more self inflicted. If she truly felt we were just two good people who fell in love and dove in together, how come she couldn’t vouch for us? She then hit me with another text that left me unsettled.

ANYA: “We didn’t know what we were up against but still decided to take a chance b/c it was so special. I don’t want you to hate me and I don’t want to hate you.”

She always knew exactly what she was up against—she just decided to hide it from me so I’d dive in with her and she even refused to take any responsibility for it. Lance left her because she did know what she was up against. The only reason she chose me was because Lance was too close to home where and I was not known by her circle of popularity in the neighborhood—it was easier to manipulate and hide things from me than it was with Lance. I did not know what I was up against because she intentionally hid it from me. I didn’t know about the rewards for academic performance system she put in place for her kids that she relied on Jackson for. One of the main reasons she stayed for “the sake of the kids”. She stayed for his money. She stayed for what he provided the kids, and she knew they would not be successful in the things they did, and she would be viewed upon as someone who was unworthy of their love, without his reward system in place. If she truly believed our love was “so special” she would have found reasons to leave, and not resort back to a single reason to stay. She told me all she needed was my love and nothing else mattered. She had Katie’s letter for proof that her unhappiness in the marriage affected her life, and still ignored it as if I was non-existent—as if we never shared a thing and she had not told me one thing about her unhappiness. You take a chance with a pair of shoes you ordered online or a dress—not with someone’s heart. As much as I wanted to be wrong, all the evidence pointed to the fact Anya chipped away a sizeable chunk of the trust I had in her, and continued to bury me alive with every text she sent me.

ANYA: “I want us to let go of negative feelings and be thankful for what we had. We are blowing any chance if there’s any left at this point of even being friends.”

Love didn’t bring people close to them to just let them go. Love always caught the ones who fell for them. Anya’s love for herself was on full display while her love for me dwindled away before my very eyes.

ANYA: “I would like it to be nice between us. Do you think that’s possible? Starting now I want to let go of negative feelings, and be civil. I don’t like negative feelings.”

Little did I know what her negative feelings truly meant—another thing she hid from me. She wanted to be friends for a reason—another thing she hid from me that I could’ve never expected. Now that I questioned her parenting skills—I was a threat to her and her lies about her life were now in danger. My threats to talk to Jackson were now being purposely misinterpreted but I had no clue—I still trusted her regardless of the things she purposely hid from me in the beginning so I’d take the plunge. I wanted the same thing she did though but knowing she continued to hide things from me, I didn’t know how it was possible—I felt manipulated more than loved. When I considered therapy and counseling may help me salvage our relationship by accepting some responsibility for where we were now, I directed my fight for her inward. If I can get back to the old Landyn, then maybe there was a chance. When I weighed my options—losing all I ever worked for and all I truly loved, I really had no other choice but to seek counseling. To be honest, I didn’t know if I was right or wrong about the way I felt. Was I being entirely unfair and too harsh towards her? Maybe therapy could help me answer these questions.

ANYA: “Just please let me know what you’d like to do.”

It then dawned on me there may be a real misunderstanding between us, one not so evident. I didn’t want just a friendship, but I would accept it if she still believed in us. I wanted to trust in Anya’s love for me again. She deserved the chance to prove me wrong, but she never would if I continued down this path with her. For us to get back “together”, things needed to change between us, especially all the negative thinking on my end. If I went for help and could change the way I perceive things then maybe I could mend our relationship. I hoped I was wrong as I texted Anya to see where she stood on a future relationship, and not just a future friendship. One in which I could never be a good friend.

ANYA: “Just want to let you know. I told the girls we are having problems but didn’t tell them in detail. They would die. They adore you.”

I put her in the position to have to tell them—they likely sensed something was wrong. I’m glad she could talk to them. Of course, they would only receive her side of the story and not mine. I couldn’t expect them to side with me. I began to consider that the only reason they “adored” me was because she told them I was okay with this arrangement—that she could stay for the sake of the kids and I’d be fine with it at this point. I started to fear her friends adored me because Anya didn’t tell them the truth either.

ANYA: “I was proud of you when you told me you were going to seek help. Think I may need to do the same. I hope I don’t have to go on medication. It’s not my nature.”

ME: “Thank you. I feel I owe it to you to do that. I don’t want to argue or have negative feelings either. I think there’s been a misunderstanding with the things I texted you the other day…”

ANYA: “I think so but I don’t think it matters anymore.”

ME: “I just wanted you to know what I meant by “a chance for us”. I meant if you left then be together.”

ANYA: “Huh? Sorry, explain again?”

ME: “I didn’t mean be friends with a chance still if you didn’t leave.”

ANYA: “Honey that’s what you said. You were very clear. What exactly did you mean?”

ME: “I’m sorry, I just meant if you left, that you would be with me. Then I could be your friend. Not if you didn’t leave get back together. I don’t even know how to say this. Let me just ask you this. If you left, would you still want to be with me?”

Her response to my question would determine my course of action. If she said she didn’t want to be with me anymore, and just wanted a friendship, then I’d have to walk away for good. Time seemed to stand still, and the phone in my hand remained silent as my entire future weighed in the balance.