“A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.” ~ Alfred Tennyson

ANYA: “Good morning! Sorry about last night. Fell asleep early. Didn’t even charge my phone. How r u?”

Little did Anya know, the furthest thing from my mind was why she fell asleep early. Now that I knew Jackson was on to us, I struggled with telling Anya about it. I had to be careful because if she showed me any fear, I’d question her loyalty and love once again, something I tried to avoid, at least until I could tell her about my promotion. There was no turning back now for me, and if I couldn’t turn back, I wouldn’t understand the person who loved me doing so. Now, she had to catch me as I always planned to catch her. My reputation and career weighed in the balance just as much as hers did now. My sacrifice was permanent now, but I also felt I held power over Jackson too. His wife and I dated for the last sixteen months for a reason, and it wasn’t because Jackson was husband of the year. I held knowledge of the truth about him, and he had to see that as dangerous as a four-year-old with a gun.

ME: “Good morning! I hope you slept well babe. I’m good. How are you?”

ANYA: “I’m good. Just working. I miss you.”

ME: “I miss you too.”

The event was a setup and show of power by Jackson. His wife just unwittingly set it up without knowledge as it showed the mind games played on both sides of the aisle. He thought it would intimidate me into breaking things off with Anya, as if nothing weighed in the balance for him as he tried to intimidate me into leaving our relationship. I wanted to let Anya know of these dramatic turns of events, but if she told me we were through, I honestly wouldn’t take it well after all I’ve sacrificed. Things would never be the same for me in the eyes of Jackson Caiaphas even if I were to break things off. I’d never be trusted. My character and integrity, two extremely important traits for a CPA to have, would always come into question in my career. There was no doubt he would spread the bad word, without a blemish on himself, if I stayed or left. I had more power if I stayed, because if I left at this point, It would be the same as saying “I was wrong to be here”. I believe there was too much goodness in us for it to be viewed as wrong at this point, and I refused to bow down to him. I also didn’t want Katie and Andrew to find out about Jackson as I was up against that monster as well. One of us had to back down, and I never asked to be here. I never wanted to be in the middle of this as I felt Anya and Jackson both had to take responsibility and be held accountable for this. I felt Anya, if she loved me, had to protect me against him. She had to promote the goodness we found in each other to others, if I meant anything to her. Anya and I both had to stand our ground, and with the love we found in each other, things would work out for the best; the way they were meant to.

I couldn’t deny the sudden unwanted stress and pressure now. I worried and hoped Anya would give me more of a case against her staying since Jackson knew now who I was. The damage he could do to my career if she were to walk away would devastate me forever. She had to vouch for my character and integrity, to act with the knowledge that she approached me at Sonomas, and allowed and encouraged me to love her. To acknowledge all the things she ever told me that allowed my feelings to grow for her. To acknowledge she asked me to fight for her and I’ve done nothing less for the last sixteen months. To acknowledge I wouldn’t have risked our lives for a single day if she never wanted me here. To acknowledge it was the horrific things she told me about the untouchable Jackson that led me to feel this strongly that put my remaining breaths and heartbeats on the line for her.

I also couldn’t get my mind off of the things she told me the other day as her absence from Andrew’s baseball game was an act of defiance against Jackson, and her marriage, as I wanted to build on her emotions and the decision she made to not attend because of the woman Jackson used to hurt her with. When she stated “I really would do anything” for her, she almost begged me to help her in regards to this dilemma. I could do nothing but hope she would ask me see one of Andrew’s baseball games, like the time she invited me to Katie’s ballet recital, or the times she invited me to the movies. To know, she wasn’t at those games alone, and her real protector was there to make sure she could enjoy the games. I’d have gone to the games with her as long as it didn’t create a stir enough to hurt Andrew, and I felt confident Anya wanted me there. Now that I had knowledge Jackson knew I was his wife’s lover; I’d have to either tell her how I knew her husband or tell her I was under the weather. The woman at the game seemed to break her down, especially when she fell behind on work due to her kids both being sick last week. The universe only continued to provide more than enough valid and legitimate reasons for her to leave Jackson. If the infidelities weren’t enough, the inequities in her marriage were. Anya never thought I understood the “kids thing”, but it was because I understood the “bad husband thing” more. If you’re going to make your career your life, you need to let your wife in on it. I could appreciate Jackson’s hard work for his family and kids, but it came at the expense of Anya’s happiness. Her happiness had to be factored into this decision, especially after he took if from her when he cheated on her several times. It seemed he relied on Anya to do everything at home and if it got too difficult, he’d just hire a nanny to do his share. The kids probably understood, but they really didn’t have to do what Anya did, but benefit from it. How could they possibly ever understand her position? Would Anya want the same life for Katie when she got married? How is Katie going to know her marriage had a risk of inequity if Anya stayed? If Anya were to leave, she could deny our relationship during her marriage to them, and tell Katie and Andrew she didn’t want them to think she had a normal marriage. That marriages should not be inequitable. She could also hide his infidelities from them as well if she left and gave both her kids a chance at better marriages one day, because they would know what destroyed them. With Anya’s defiance mixed with Jackson’s schemes and reputation on the line, it was hard for me not to get my hopes up more than ever before as a new form of urgency took shape.

Later that afternoon, I texted Anya to see how she was doing.

ANYA: “I’m good. Took a break to go get flowers for my kitchen! They’re gorgeous! How r u?”

I found it strange that Anya would get flowers for the kitchen. My low sense of self came into play to ask the question, “what if they came from Jackson”? If he obviously felt her anger because of his ex-mistress at the games, and he knew she refused to go and deal with it, it made all the sense in the world those flowers came from him with the hope it got back to me. I asked Anya one time if he ever got her something for Valentine’s Day, and she told me they didn’t exchange gifts, but in a defensive manner to my question. I was certain, she would never tell me he sent her flowers to avoid the things “better left unsaid”. In the same breath, she told me one time it made her sad that she could never receive flowers from me. Maybe she bought these flowers for her kitchen to pretend they came from me? I knew Anya for nearly two years now though, and not once did she ever talk of flowers. There just seemed to be more things in play for these to be a gift from Jackson, maybe even a thank you for the event she planned. I let Anya know I was good, but I couldn’t shake off the gorgeous flowers in her kitchen that put my radar up.

Later that day, she texted me with some news about the place we first met at.

ANYA: “The rumor is they’re going to reopen Sonomas for a month and then will change the name permanently to Baja Joe’s. I don’t know if this is true.”

ME: “Baja Joe’s? That’s going to be a major demographic shift. That franchise caters mostly to the college crowd. I guess Special Ed only has one more month before he turns into Old Man Winter.”

ANYA: “Ahahaha! Yes, he will have one more month!”

ME: “He has no conscience. He’s going to feel like Benjamin Button when the new place opens up. He’s probably gonna be even worse if you can imagine that. Those poor people. I miss you.”

ANYA: “No kidding! My heart goes out to those patrons! I miss you too babe.”

After we shared a good laugh about Mitch. She texted me about an hour later out of the blue.

ANYA: “Muah! I miss you handsome.”

I loved her text but the entire day bummed me out, even as it continued into the night. Since she missed the game last night, I thought Jackson would give her a hard time about putting her feelings above her family which in turn would remind her how he put himself above his son when she carried him. Instead, flowers she described as gorgeous, were replaced by an opportunity for us to be together. When I didn’t hear back from her for the entire evening, not even to wish me a goodnight, I feared he took her out to dinner to talk. That the “Muah!” text was not only because she missed me, but because she did something that would’ve hurt me if I had known. I remembered my mother’s words when she told me “Remember, he’s the father of her children.” A statement, when taken into consideration with the “gorgeous” flowers, only stung me more as she felt inclined to put the façade of their marriage on life support, as if I never existed in her life. I thought I’d be able to sleep the negativity away, but it still flowed through me when Anya texted me the next morning.

ANYA: “Good morning! TGIF!”

Her short “good morning” text didn’t make me feel any better as I felt a coldness in her greeting more than a warmth. Her mixed feelings seemed to show as I interpreted her text as “Hey good morning! TGIF! Now leave me alone I got stuff to do.” and to be honest, I would’ve preferred not to hear from her if she couldn’t ask me how I was doing It just seemed she wanted to avoid the question, what she did last night. I doubt I would’ve received the truth anyway. Like I did the night we decided to pursue a relationship when she told me all of the friends in high places she had, one of the real reasons she was still with Jackson.

As much as I struggled, I chose to be cordial and wished her a “Good morning! TGIF!” back. When I tried to reach out to her during a silent afternoon from her, I sent her a text and received two, even shorter, responses.

ANYA: “Yay!”

ANYA: “!!!”

What was she doing? Where was she at? Who was she with that she couldn’t respond at all to me? Where did the Anya from two days ago vanish to? The day reminded me of my workdays when Karyn started to date the Vice-President at my old Company after I sent her flowers. When she went from talking to me all throughout the day to staying away from me completely, as she preferred to be in another office behind a closed door. Here I now dealt with the same exact bullshit ten years later as Anya’s silence gripped me in the same manner those days did. It made me nauseous to realize what I now faced when I trusted she was only still married to Jackson because she believed no one wanted to be with her due to her “baggage”. When she led me to believe Lance left her because she had kids. My reward for trusting and opening my heart to her seemed to be the same price Jackson should’ve paid. As I fell behind on work yet again, unable to focus as deadlines approached, I felt more wronged than ever before, disappointed more than ever from the hope of two days ago when she bailed on Andrew’s baseball game as flowers from Jackson seemed to save the day. When Anya texted me later, I think she knew whatever she did on this day, and on the prior evening, was wrong.

ANYA: “Hope you’re having a nice day. Missing you.”

I began to remember what Mitch said. How many times has she told you she missed you? How many times has she said “I love you”? She’s been saying these things for well over a year now. When is she going to prove it with a promise? That she knew all she ever told me? When is she going to feel a responsibility to me? When is she going to hold herself accountable for more than allowing and encouraging me to feel so much for her? I never deserved a single mixed feeling, only consistency if she ever had any real intentions to be with me. Here was the perfect chance to do so. After Jackson’s event failed to produce the end of our love. That the woman at the game was not only evidence you couldn’t forget, but also that you couldn’t forgive, for what he did to you. Why not jump on the opportunity to hide the infidelities from the kids, but expose the inequities that won’t change anytime soon? To show the kids this marriage wasn’t normal and not on equal enough ground to ever have? There were times she left me to feel I conquered Everest, and at other times as if a sink hole opened right underneath my feet. I just had a harder time digesting these cavernous descents.

ME: “It’s been ok. Hope you’re having a nice day. I miss you too.”

After I sent this text, I vowed to never text “I miss you” again unless she said texted it to me as her silence made me doubt the authenticity behind her words. It seemed her longing meant something entirely different than my longing for her, as I sensed it carried a manipulative purpose at times. Said only to lower my guard as it seemed to serve a selfish purpose. If she could go through the entire day, without any effort to see the person she missed, how could I ever trust her missing was more than just a manipulative tactic?

ANYA: “Just ok?”

I fought back my negative emotions as her silence left me unsettled. I wanted to tell her to continue on with her day and admire the gorgeous bouquet her husband got for her. Go and pay homage to all the friends and popularity his ambition afforded you. Just pretend it’s night time right now, say goodnight to me only if it’s safe to, turn off your phone, and continue to pretend the man you love doesn’t exist at all.

ME: “Just hasn’t been the best of days for me.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry babe. I hope it gets better. Thinking of you.”

ME: “I appreciate that. Thanks.”

I should have written “thanks for your support” to see how it made her feel. Did she not know I didn’t support her marriage in any way shape or form or for anyone’s sake? How could I after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her? After all we shared, and all she confided in me about Jackson, she felt I even supported a decision for her to never leave? Thinking of me was hardly enough anymore, I had to know she needed me. If she thought of me, she probably knew she hurt me and felt bad. I appreciated her empathy, but I needed her not to hurt me, and it didn’t matter if we were together or not. She just couldn’t live her life as if I didn’t exist anymore. She didn’t have to text me all the time, but she needed to be consistent. If she planned to go somewhere, let me know. Don’t leave me to wonder and go mad. If it would hurt me, then don’t do it. Period. If she had to do it because of her kids, I’d understand, but things she did with or for Jackson, after she never told me about all these people she knew, I no longer would or could understand.

About ten minutes later, her guilty conscience caught up to her.

ANYA: “Is it me?”

She didn’t text me at all last night and went to sleep early, possibly to avoid a confrontation with her husband. Sent me a short text this morning and even shorter ones throughout the day that only brought forth inconsistencies which stirred wonder within. She told me she missed me and that she loved me for over sixteen months. Words started to mean less, and actions meant everything. After sixteen months together, I didn’t expect to feel any negative energy if that’s true, yet here I was--left to doubt her authenticity. She didn’t need to send me long texts or even stay in touch with me all day long. All I wanted was consistency from her without mixed feelings, and if I couldn’t get that, after all we’ve been through, just let me know why so I don’t have to question it, and put the ball in my court.

ME: “I’ll tell you later. It’s nothing to worry about. I miss you.”

ANYA: “Ok thx. I miss u too.”

Dishonesty wasn’t my style, and she deserved to know what bothered me, but I needed to cool down before I could. I dropped my guard when she didn’t go to the baseball game with the hope she realized she couldn’t stay for the kids. That even fifteen years later she still felt the same stress and anger because of the infidelities, and the marriage was now too unhealthy. That it was a good time to teach the kids this wasn’t a normal marriage so one day they could have one. Although I needed consistency and no mixed feelings from her, I wanted to keep my promised I wouldn’t pressure her. If I could ignore the pain I felt, then maybe I can find fault in my thinking and possible false assumptions I made. The truth was, feelings ruled my emotions and not facts. I didn’t know if Jackson got her flowers, as the fear her silence brought me created the assumption. I had to recognize it was a Friday, and I hated the weekends the most as that’s when her mixed feelings really seemed to take shape. Her “TGIF” was sweet, and I know she meant no harm in it, sent to me only from a work is over for the week perspective, but I appreciated weekdays more than the weekends because I at least had a chance to see her on the weekdays. Fridays now were the beginning of my heartache. About a half hour later, I guess the suspense was killing her as she texted me.

ANYA: “R u mad at me? Did you have one of those days at work cuz work, mom or me? Maybe all?”

ME: “I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. What I’ve started to realize about myself is that when I get stressed out by work and life, it makes me miss you more than usual. I miss u all the time anyways but there are some days I just become needy. Then, I start to dwell on things maybe I shouldn’t. I’m not mad at you. Sometimes I just miss you beyond missing, if that makes any sense.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. I wish I could hold you right now.”

ME: “I’m thankful for our love. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. Nothing has ever come close to it. Like I’ve told you before though, I really wish your husband had been faithful and you could’ve lived a life of happy ever after with him, even if it meant I’d never know how great this feels.”

The truth was this arrangement became different for each of us. She seemed to be content with the current arrangement, with its current shape or form. I was at first, but after all we’ve shared, I couldn’t deny I wasn’t. If she never told me Jackson cheated on her, I wouldn’t be in this self-destructive emotional state. I put an enormous amount of trust in her; that her marriage was something she wasn’t willing to live with if she had me in her life. As great as this love felt, it now also left me alone--more than I’ve ever been. Who in their right mind would ever fall deeply in love with someone they couldn’t be with? To fall in love with someone who only missed and loved them, like a puppy? A fun thing to have, but not a necessity?

ANYA: “If I were there I’d first give you a beer! Then I’d feed you and rub your neck and shoulders. Then I’d take u in the Jacuzzi to relax and give you another beer! Muah!”

I thought her text was very heartfelt and sweet as I remembered the card, she gave me just less than a week prior.

ME: “You wouldn’t need to bring me a beer. You wouldn’t need to make me a meal. You wouldn’t need a Jacuzzi either. Having you there, would be all I need.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. I love you.”

I texted as much truth as I could—she was truly all I ever needed. She sent some sweet messages, and they always made me feel good or better, but they never changed where she was, and never contained even a promise yet to be. The weekends would now become harder than ever to get through now that I knew Jackson knew it was me. Her love and missing through texts were just not enough anymore because they did the last thing, I thought they would ever do--they prevented my reality and only promoted her fantasy.

When I got home later that Friday evening, I texted Anya to see what she was up to.

ANYA: “I have a house full of kids! Last day of school! Just ordered 6 boxes of pizza! Gotta love takeout!”

The façade carried on and it bummed me out like never before. I blamed Jackson for this, that he gave a scorned wife, through his own arrogance, the power to do what she pleased. To even approach decent men at bars to tell them about his wickedness and here I was, alone, full of love and mistrust, more than ever before. The very thing he deserved to feel, I felt for him. The more she carried on with her life as if I were a mirage in the desert, the more I quenched for the truth to be known. The loneliness I now felt, and this sense of despair ran so deeply, it left me to consider the bad, more than the good. My thoughts were so unaligned, I began to empathize with Glenn Close’s character in “A Fatal Attraction”. Like her, I dwelled mentally in Anya’s world, more than my own as I left me paralyzed, unable to move in my own life. I could do anything I wanted on Friday night, bound by nothing, but Anya’s love bounded me to a love so great, I felt unfaithful to her and to my love for her if I did. I felt as if I disgraced the beauty of our love if I were to live my life as if she didn’t exist. Although I felt her marriage was a disgrace, I’d give it the legitimacy it didn’t deserve if I were to live as Anya did by the motto “they can’t be hurt by the things they didn’t know”. With so much love for Anya, I would only hurt another person if dated until she figured things out. As much as I should’ve thought that way, I wasn’t built that way. I believed in true love too much; my hamartia. I didn’t deserve this though; I never jumped into only a sexual relationship with her, but one based on love. I even walked away from her to avoid all I felt at this moment, but she “couldn’t help it”, a recklessness I didn’t appreciate because I trusted she was able to do that, and could only appreciate if she promised to leave him. I then thought of her kids; how she had to do be there for Katie and Andrew, and that helped to get me through this darkest of nights.

ANYA: “Goodnight sweets. I love you.”

Anya’s sweet goodnight text made me feel better, and I didn’t want to upset her at all with the loneliness and fear I felt. I just didn’t like the power she had over me. She had too much control and I needed to control something before I lost all I ever worked for. The only way I could wrest control back was if I took it to Jackson. To see who she would defend; the man who dishonored her or the man who did nothing but honor her to see where I stood in her life. To know if she truly missed me and loved me. If she defended him in anyway, after I put my reputation and career on the line for her, my entire future and life, I’d have my answer to the things she believed were “better left unsaid”. Now that he knew who I was, he needed to also know why I was here. Was I only encouraged and allowed to be her life to feel pain and sadness? I was never going to get my answers from Anya. If she missed me and she loved me, the time came to shoe me. I kept thinking back to Mitch’s words “For how long has she been telling you this now?”. I didn’t want him to be right. He couldn’t be. If Jackson knew we were in a relationship, and he did, then I wanted her to come clean with him to protect and defend me. Not to continue to pretend of give him the false hope this was just a phase she was going through. Just an illness until she cured herself of me. If she couldn’t protect or defend me, then she put that duty in my hands. It was clear, Jackson allowed this to happen, but why? Was he confident she would not ever leave him? If so, what gave him that much confidence? He suspected something about Lance too, and watched that eventually deteriorate into nothing. His master plan was to allow me in her life because he knew his wife would hurt him because of the kids so he allowed an affair, but he never bargained for a relationship. He never bargained for a man like me who truly loved her. I had little choice to confront him since he knew anyway, and if I lost Anya over it, then I’d at least know the truth--I never truly had her to begin with.

The next morning, with a less fatigued and stressed out mind, Anya sent me a text that gave me a little consistency I craved from her.

ANYA: “Good morning! How was your night? Hope you got some rest.”

ME: “Good morning! I did thanks. I went to bed early. How was your night?”

ANYA: “It was busy! The kids didn’t leave till midnight. Tired too. R u going to stay with your mom tonight?”

ME: “Yes I am. The kids didn’t leave until midnight? Was it a party for parents too?”

ANYA: “All kids, but my immediate neighbor came over.”

I felt Anya’s texts were sweet but purposeful--to keep me from questioning, as if I tried to collect money from her that she still owed me. Although it seemed to be easier for her to hide an adult party behind a party for kids, I didn’t like the fact she partied while I suffered at home because I trusted her with my life. At the same time, I couldn’t ask her to stop the lives of her kids. I had now gotten caught in a vortex of confusion, then love, then confusion and frustration. Everything she did hurt me now, and maybe even most of it to no fault of her own, but I didn’t truly know. When my heart couldn’t tell the difference, my mind interfered to remind me of my past. I just felt all this stuff I learned on the fly, after I fell for her, she should have been open about when we started to see each other.

Later in the afternoon, I texted her to see what she was up to.

ANYA: “Errands. Getting kids’ stuff for Easter. U.”

Business as usual as she didn’t even try to make plans to see each other. I felt left for dead, and so I began to act it.

ME: “Missing u.”

When I didn’t hear back from her, even after an hour passed, I couldn’t hold back how dead I felt; annoyed how she could jump so easily back into the façade as if I didn’t exist.

ME: “I guess we don’t miss each other the same way.”

It didn’t take longer than thirty seconds for her to let me know how my text made her feel.

ANYA: “Why would you say such a thing?”

ME: “It’s the way you make me feel at times. I don’t think we miss each other the same way.”

ANYA: “You don’t think I miss u? I miss you all day everyday until I fall asleep and when I wake up I miss u all over again. Do you sit there and think of ways to hurt me?”

While she partied with kids and friends, as I suffered with a loneliness her love should’ve never left me to feel, I was the one who hurt her? She couldn’t merely sell me on words anymore. They now had to be backed up by actions. She should have told me all about the status of the seventy five percent of her friends I met at the event she stood to lose if she left her marriage. I put my career and reputation on the line for nothing? Yet, I sat and thought of ways to hurt her? How could she not consider how her weekend vanishing acts left me to feel after San Diego? After all we’ve ever shared. How could she leave my heart in such limbo?

ME: “If you read my text and not be so quick to delete, it didn’t say I don’t think you miss me. I just don’t think you miss me the same way I miss you. I only look for ways to be with you, not to hurt you.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to start babe. My kids r off school and I don’t want to have negative feelings. I do miss u.”

Her last text it brought me back to earth as I felt ashamed that I couldn’t hold back my negative emotions, but I didn’t know her kids were on spring break. If she didn’t want to have negative feelings, then don’t pretend I didn’t exist, and we won’t. I knew Anya missed me, but not the same way I missed her. I wanted to be supportive of the things she did for her kids, but it also meant to support her marriage, and I hated her marriage because it hurt me and others. If I had to support the marriage, and the façade, then she should’ve told me that in the beginning, before I fell in love with her. I would blame myself before anyone about this, but I walked away from her in the beginning, and I trusted her to let me know about these things, especially when another man existed before me. How could she allow someone to feel all these things for her and not know? How could she disrespect my heart this way when the only reason I chose to be in her life was because someone disrespected hers?

ME: “Ok babe. I’m sorry. Enjoy your time with your kids. Have a good day.”

An hour later, Anya sent me a text as she tried to show me the importance of my existence.

ANYA: “I dream everyday. I haven’t stopped missing u or loving u not even for a split second. Even when we get mad at eachother I never stop missing or loving you.”

ME: “I dream everyday too. I like how you put each and other together. Very sweet.”

ANYA: “It’s one word when it pertains to us.”

Anya never told me why she wrote it that way, and I never mentioned I noticed, but nothing meant more to me than her reason why. At times, Anya loved me in a way she never had to say “I love you”, but now I wondered of her form of love, and not if she did. Was it truly love or did it only feel that way to her? Was I really special at or was I the only man alive would sacrifice everything for her? Did she think this was true love only because I let her love me on her terms and conditions without a promise? No wonder why she thought I was crazy. Who in their right mind would allow this? A man who was truly in love. The truth seemed to be that Anya loved me as long as she could do so from a distance, and only if the relationship was on her terms and fit into her schedule. As long as I remained a secret. I felt at times, she always knew this but loved me in a way that made me too vulnerable to not accept her in any way shape or form. Wouldn’t true love, know no fear? I wasn’t trying to discount her fears, we all had them, but I strongly believed they all had a way of working themselves out if what she truly felt for me was love. One thing was for certain though, now I knew that Jackson knew about me, the clock was ticking.

When I arrived at my parent’s house to spend the night, my mom seemed to have our whole night planned with popcorn and a movie. It felt really good to see her in good spirits.

“What are we watching?” I asked. “Or better yet, what do I have to watch?”

“Stop it!” She snapped. “You ever heard of the movie ‘Kingpin’?”

“’Kingpin’? Sounds stupid’” I joked.

“I’ve never seen it but I heard it’s funny.”

“Ok, I’ll put it in.” I said but instead grabbed her nearby pill bottle and jokingly put one of her Vicodin pills in my mouth.

“Landy! Not funny!” She said as she slapped me hard on my back with her wooden back scratcher.

“Owwww!” I said. “What was that for? You hit like a girl, Mom!”

“You son of a bitch! Give me that!” She yelled at me as she snatched the pill bottle from the top of her dresser and put it in her night gown. “You’re cut off. No more”

“I sure am!” I said as I went to put the DVD in her player.

“You sure are what?” She asked.

“I’m a son of a bitch!” I joked.

“You sure are!” She said. “Hey, wait a minute…You son of a gun!”

“That makes no sense, Mom.”

“Shut up and put the movie in, please.” She said as she hit me on the head with her back scratcher “I’ll go get the popcorn.”

“I don’t want any.”

“You always say that.” She said. “Then you end up eating most of it.”

“I mean it this time. I’m on a diet.” I said as I put the DVD in and started to fast forward it through the old movie trailers.

When she came back into the room, the smell of kettle corn popcorn filled the room. I could only hold off for another fifteen minutes before I dove my hand into the bowl, and just ten minutes later, there were only a few kernels left. About thirty minutes into the movie, I decided to text Anya.

ME: “How are you doing babe? Watching “Kingpin” with my mom and was just thinking of you.”

ANYA: “Good. Just cleaning up the house from last night. I love that movie! How was your day? Say hi to mom for me!”

“Mom.” I said to my mother who turned to me. “Anya said “hello”.”

“Hi Anya!” my mom waved excitedly at my phone with a smile as if Anya could see her.

“You’re such a dork.” I said as I texted Anya back.

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.” I said as I fantasized Anya was here with us.

ME: “She said “Hi Anya!” with a big smile. I wish I could help you over there. I’d do the cleaning and then bring you a couple of beers afterwards! Get you drunk and then give you the massage of a lifetime! Loved your sweet texts today. Just hearing from you made my day so much better.”

ANYA: “Haha! Thx! U always find a way to make me feel good!”

ME: “Just returning the favor babe. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I love you forever.”

After I got off the phone with Anya, my mother and I finished watching ‘Kingpin’ after going through two bowls of kettle corn. The last time I spent the night at my parent’s house, was the last night before I moved out to Orange County. It felt just like I lived at home again, a nice break away from all the anxiety and depression I felt living on my own these days. Although anxiety and depression began to consume me, I refused to believe it was a problem, not a masculine thing to do. Instead I relied on an occasional Vicodin and pride rather than advice or help. All I had to do was make it to the day of my promotion, when the chips would all fall in place. When all the sacrifice, pain and anxiety would prove to be worth it once I could let Anya know how good things would be for us. She already knew my mother. Would she have said “hi” to my mother if she never planned to be with me? If Anya knew how much her “hi” meant to me, she could also understand how much I wanted to one day be able to do the same with her children. If you loved someone, and couldn’t live without them, she would vouch for me. The way I vouched for her everyday. How could she not vouch for me one day too?

The next day, Easter morning, my mother made me a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon toast for breakfast, my favorite, as it reminded me of being a kid again and all the wonder ahead of me. Nothing seemed to slow my mother down, not even chemotherapy, as she seemed to be in really good spirits, something I badly needed to see to get me through the rough patch I went through.

As I ate the best breakfast I had in years, I received a very sweet text from Anya.

ANYA: “Btw Happy Easter to you and your family!”

Anya’s text put a smile on my face, in more ways than one. Although I was agnostic, and also respected Jewish people, for Anya to acknowledge Easter represented a clash with Jackson’s Jewish faith who believed Jesus to be a sorcerer, incapable of rising from the dead. I found it very sweet that Anya knew what Easter represented to my mom more so than what it represented to the Jewish faith she reformed to when she married Jackson.

ME: “Happy Easter to you and yours too! Easting…I mean eating breakfast right now! What are you doing for Easter, babe?”

ANYA: “Haha! Just going to my mom’s. R u helping your mom? Who’s making the food? I think that’s sweet you spent the night and hung w/ur mom.”

ME: “My mom is! Can you believe it? I’m going to clean up though.”

ANYA: “She’s strong enough to do the cooking? That’s nice your helping cuz it can be tiring especially the cleanup. Proud of u babe.”

ME: “My mom is in really good spirits! It’s been the best Easter!

Anya’s mom was Christian, so when I heard she planned to visit her mother too, it warmed my heart as anything she did against Jackson’s faith made me feel safe. After I got off the phone with Anya, I went to do the dishes, but my mother pushed me out of the way when I tried to clean up the kitchen. I guess she just wanted to feel like her old self again. After breakfast, I hung out with her and my dad for a little bit longer before I went home to catch up on some work I needed to finish before the new work week began. At about four thirty that afternoon, I took a break to text Anya.

ME: “How are u babe?”

ANYA: “I’m good. Just spending time w/the kids. They’re growing so fast.”

ME: “Sounds like you’re having a nice day. What are you noticing?”

ANYA: “Just the way they talk and act. Not to mention Katie is my height now.”

The last time I saw Katie was at her recital over a year ago, and even back then she looked as tall as Anya. After a rough week, I appreciated she shared this with me. I viewed it in nothing but a positive light, as if she wanted me to know they may be growing fast enough to not hate her and understand her reasons if she left Jackson. That’s the way my heart chose to look at it anyway, especially when she followed it with the next text.

ANYA: “I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too.”

I chalked up yesterday to just being one of those days for me as I noticed how the weekends left me to feel lonelier than the weekdays did. My mother’s battle with Cancer also exacerbated my emotions as well, as the time I spent with her made me feel stronger within. With the weekend behind me, I felt really good about us, but I worried with the kids on vacation, I would be faced with another week of mixed feelings followed by silence and inconsistency over the phone; the lifeline of our relationship. Now that I knew Jackson was aware who Anya was in a relationship with, she needed to understand how much I gave up of myself and my own future to be with her. Unlike her husband, I never vagina hopped. I knew what love was and I respected it. I just wanted someone to love who felt the same I did, and she led me to believe I had that. I walked away from her after we met only because if I fell deeply in love and things didn’t work out, I would lose myself for a very long time, if not forever. I would only feel married to her, and not just an acquaintance. It would bother me deeply if she ever though I should’ve never put my heart and soul into us. Not only because I didn’t know any other way to love someone, but after she asked if I would fight for her and did. I gave her my life in the process for what I felt would be, the rest of it. If things didn’t work out, I also gave away the opportunity to have kids of my own one day, because I would never love someone this way again, nor would I be able to for a very long time. And if I ever found myself again. I’d be too old. When I lost Denise, a three-month relationship. the mental damage cost me six years. How many years would it cost me if I ever lost Anya? After I trusted her promise to be with me if she fell in love with me? Even after I gave her the time to make it happen when she felt most comfortable? She shared the most intimate details of her kids’ lives with me. She even told me I knew her only daughter better than any other man. By doing so, I fell in love with not only Anya, but all three of them. She even gave me more hope when she told me she fantasized about having a child with me; words I trusted were real enough to fall even deeper. We talked of marriage, even dreamt about it in detail, and different ways of how to show our affection. We talked of trips, things to wear and forever. At this point, how could she use her kids as a sentimental wedge between us after all we ever shared and experienced, if I truly meant everything to her? All the pieces, pieces I gave her in complete trust, were in play for her to leave. I didn’t want her to leave right away if she felt it was not the right time. The lack of a promise though, of any kind, after all I’ve sacrificed and shared, is what hurt me now. Even if she couldn’t leave for another year or two, a promise carried weight with Anya. It carried the same risk I took with her, and more than anything, a promise I could trust in. Also, it would put the ball in my court to be strong emotionally for her, but without a promise, I could never be the “Big Boy” I told her I would be. My emotions would only continue to eat me alive.

ANYA: “Goodnight babe!”

When Anya texted me goodnight, I worried about her potential mixed feelings with her kids on spring break. I worried about her silence and inconsistency over the phone. I didn’t expect her to contact me like she usually did. I understood and wanted her to spend time with them this week. They were only this age once, but I only didn’t want to feel as if I didn’t exist. As if we never shared a thing, and her marriage was the same before she met me. I could only hope she wouldn’t use the kids as a reason we could never be together after she shared their lives with me in such detail, it allowed me to love them too. I sacrificed kids of my own when I trusted her love for me, and although I’d never tell her that because I wouldn’t want her to feel an obligated only because I mentioned it, I felt she should exercise some sensitivity to the man who truly had no one, if he didn’t have her. She should consider that I truly loved her, the same kind of love that kept a widower single forever, and that my love wasn’t something that could simply be turned off like running water from a faucet.

When Monday rolled around, I had to make one last trip to Hesperia to get my senior staff up to speed on the work I did while he was out sick. On my drive in, a ninety-minute journey due to traffic, I thought I would hear from her. When I didn’t however, the fears that swirled inside my mind from the night before, now began to swarm. When the clock struck eleven on that same morning., I decided to take an early lunch to try and clear my head so I could find the focus I needed for the rest of the afternoon.

ME: “How r u this fine morning?”

ANYA: “Good! How r u?”

I hoped she was “good”, but how could she be when her silence unsettled me? The Anya of old would have texted to say she missed me, but could it be true that she only missed me when her kids were at school or weren’t around to keep her company?

ME: “I’m good. Just thinking of you. What’s r u up to?”

ANYA: “Hanging w/my kids.”

With a fear of abandonment in my mind, I paid close attention to her word choice. When she substituted her usual “the” with “my”, it felt defensive, as if my question annoyed her in some way. Her kids were now eleven and thirteen, soon to be twelve and fourteen. When I was their age, I was usually hanging out with my friends, not my mother or father. It made me wonder if she told me the truth and if this was the sentimental wedge she tried to insert between us as if I had no right to ask her such a question. I also realized last year at this time; she was in Spain with her husband on a Canary Island. What was supposed to just be a business trip. Was she possibly upset that there wasn’t such a trip this year for her because of me? If I hadn’t texted Anya, would I have ever heard from her? If she didn’t want pressure from me, why couldn’t she at least kept me updated so I didn’t wonder about things. Or did the woman who told me “I hurt when you hurt”, purposely decide not to even say “good morning” so I would?

After I received her text, I realized to be focused at work wouldn’t be on the menu on this day for me.

ME: “Sorry to bother you. Have a good day.”

ANYA: “Bother?”

ME: “It just feels like I am.”

ANYA: “U ok?”

ME: “I’m ok. R u?”

ANYA: “Yes! Just busy w/kids! Irvine?”

I wanted to ask her what her and the kids were doing, but she might think I pried too much, and would only lead to pressure from me. Maybe I just overreacted to her silence, but when you had your heart so much into something, I think it was only natural to question things sometimes. She told me at times it was hard to believe I was for real, when in actuality, I felt that at times about her. Her silence stunted my ability to understand.

ME: “Hesperia. Have fun w/your kids babe. Sorry.”

Maybe the kids were over the house with their friends and I overreacted because I missed her and it seemed she didn’t feel the same? I knew she had kids, and I respected her time with them. I wouldn’t have been in her life for the last sixteen months if I didn’t. I couldn’t ignore the more she hung out with the kids, the more she would be pulled in that direction. Because of it, it was hard not feel she pit them against me. It felt at times, since she made no plans to be with me, that she only loved me so deeply so she could question my love for her if I disagreed with her decision to stay. If she loved me that deeply for that reason, she couldn’t have known love, let alone respected it. Love was more than words from a poet or what she saw in movies. Love wouldn’t allow her to ever become a martyr.

I didn’t know if I could buy what she tried to sell me as I started to believe it was the money that afforded the kids their lifestyle, one of horse and boats, was what kept her there; not the reasons she led me to believe. If Jackson was broke, or his company went bankrupt, would she still be there? Every logical person knew the answer to that one; no way in hell. Anya was there for Jackson’s money. I no longer believed she stayed there for the popularity it bought, because she already collected that payment as evidenced by the friends in high places at the symposium. She was still there because of the lifestyle Jackson’s wealth afforded her kids, the real reason why she feared they would hate her if she left him. I couldn’t say Katie and Andrew were spoiled because I felt they did deserve to be rewarded for the work they put into their lives to do well. I admired their upbringing and their drive for those reasons. It’s good motivation however, when you’re given a reward for your hard work and that didn’t happen in most households. Kids should be raised to work hard without reward, and not have investment accounts setup for themselves already. I couldn’t blame Anya for that though, because why wouldn’t a parent want their kids to have things to motivate them to do well in school and in their activities? I wanted nothing but the best things in life for both Katie and Andrew. They deserved it. The problem I had is I was encouraged and allowed to fall in love with her without any fear this was the reason she stayed. This is something I learned on the fly, and never told about in the beginning. Anya felt for them, I would be a downgrade, and if she couldn’t love me enough to show them otherwise, then how could she say she loved me? She never went to bat for me. She never told her kids that boats, horses and money didn’t lead to happiness in life. She could have given her children the ultimate gift: to teach them money didn’t lead to happiness. Why share so much? Why bring me this far? How could she do this to me? How could she put me in the position to feel so loved but so alone and worthless? How could she share intimate details of her children, claimed I knew her daughter better than any other man, and never planned to have them ever meet me? A promise would show me she understood my position and she was a significant reason why I existed. All I wanted to know from her now, whenever she chose to communicate her kids to me, was when she planned to introduce them to me and how she would integrate them into my life. It was obvious now--she didn’t think I could compete with Jackson’s money, and if I was unworthy of her vouching for me because she believed that, how could she say she loved me? Especially when she could go throughout her day without sending me a single text? How could she say she missed me if she could go through an entire day without contact? These things could only be communicated as a means of manipulation; to keep me in fear and to take advantage of my vulnerable fragile state. I know she also feared my emotions could set us back, but she couldn’t give purposely give me negative thoughts and fear my sadness at the same time. The thing that really worried me about her spending time with the kids wasn’t the fact she was spending time with them. Fatigue and stress only enhanced these negative feelings, so I tried to hide how I felt from her when she texted me later that afternoon.

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ANYA: “Hope you’re having a good day.”

ME: “It’s going good. How’s urs?”

ANYA: “Good! Just nice to spend time w/the kids!”

I’m sure it was nice for her to spend time with the kids, but she hung out with Katie in San Diego just weeks ago, and they were just sick for the last two weeks. I trusted she always did, and was the reason why I couldn’t see her as much as I liked. My mom never wanted to hang out with me when I was their age as she always wanted a break. Why would spring break be any different from the summer months as far as spending time with her kids? Was I being too sensitive about this? Was it because she wanted to have kids with me, but never acted on it? Was it because I knew if I lost her, I’d never have kids of my own? Was she trying to push me away by mentioning this to me each time we texted on this day?

ME: “That’s nice babe. Don’t u always spend time w/the kids though?”

ANYA: “They r on vacation.”

The main reason Anya and I couldn’t be together, or why she’d always have to bid me an early “goodnight” or quick “good morning” -- or at times was too busy to say those things at all, was because she led me to believe the kids took up most of her time. Vacation or no vacation, what was the difference? I just found it hard to believe an eleven and thirteen-year-old, on spring break were hanging out with mom all day. I knew they had a lot of friends in their neighborhood, dozens than I did growing up and I never was home at that age. Anya could feel where I was though, when I questioned the form of her missing, and essentially, the form of her love for me. Couldn’t she hang out with the kids and talk to me at the same time? How was this different from Andrew’s baseball games she used to text me all the time from? Without a promise to hold on to, I became more sensitive when she texted me about her kids, the thing that kept us apart. Unless she were to tell me she would like to introduce them to me one day, what’s the point if she viewed me as a downgrade to a man who not only cheated on his wife, but his family on several occasions? What I learned at the symposium, the mysterious nature of the gorgeous “flowers” she got for her kitchen, talk of her “good” day with her kids while I secretly hurt inside, the possible manipulations of the words “I miss you” and “I love you” with no plans to see me, and no mention of me and the kids, but only of me versus them without the thought of a promise to be together, but only fantasies while reality poured cruelly upon me, along with this stress and fatigue, broke me down emotionally even as I tried to stop myself from mentioning a word.

ME: “I know you love your kids, babe. Just please don’t throw them in my face and pit them against me. That’s not right.”

ANYA: “Huh?”

The woman who claimed she felt “tremendous guilt” because I would be on my merry way if she hadn’t approached me, responded to my sensitivity with a “huh”. She only felt “tremendous guilt” about her kids, and not for me. She lied to her kids on a daily basis when she was with me or without me. Now that Jackson knew who I was, I put my reputation and entire career on the line for her, and I refused to be a mere fantasy. She had to know that her love should never change even when the kids were around. I know her husband didn’t care about the feelings and emotions of others, but I did, and I couldn’t pretend her change in communication didn’t affect me—all because her kids were around. If she felt she betrayed them by talking to a man she fell in love with, then she betrayed them for her entire marriage, not just over the last sixteen months. What she tried to sell me, I could no longer buy from her.

ME: “Nevermind. I guess “huh” is love? Please don’t tell me “it’s nice to spend time w/the kids” because you’ve led me to believe that’s what you always do. The reason we can’t hang or talk out as much. It makes me feel I’m only worth anything to you when they aren’t around. That hurts. I’m sure it’s nice to spend time w/the kids regardless if it’s a vacation or not. That is why I mentioned you don’t miss me the same way. You have someone; your kids. I didn’t say you didn’t miss me. This is coming from me missing you and me being in love with you. Not trying to hurt you. I want you to enjoy your time with your kids without saying anything. I have never not supported that even if I miss you more because of it, but it’s not right for you to disappear or to treat me differently all because they’re home. That hasn’t stopped you in the past. That’s all I’m asking. I want you to have the best time with them, and not just a nice time. Just please be aware I’m a little more sensitive to things now. After all we’ve shared, I have a right to be. I do exist when your kids are on vacation or not.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore.”

When Anya sent me this text, I knew my time in Hesperia was over as I could no longer concentrate on my work for the day, and would now have to drive all the way back to finish it the next one. For her to let me know she walked on eggshells brought me right back to Jackson, and the things “better left unsaid”. If she had to “walk on eggshells”, then there’s no way she was truthful to me. When I realized all the times she hurt me that she’d never tell me about, because she was afraid of my emotions, things she allowed and encouraged me to have, the very essence of love, I could no longer hold back as I sent several texts to her as I tried to get her to see the strategy Jackson used against us, to see if she would defend me, after sixteen months of defending her.

ME: “I’m really upset at your husband for cheating on you and for allowing you the liberty to meet me. We both hurt everyday because of it, especially me. I’m not happy with him at all about this. If he was a good husband we wouldn’t be in this pain. It sucks.”

ME: “He knew you would struggle and hurt even more if you had an “affair” especially knowing how loving you are. Then he’d tug at your heart strings by playing the kid card so he knew we’d both be hurting and now we’re mad at eachother which we should never be.”

ME: “And he knew the guy would hurt b/c of how beautiful you are. He definitely wasn’t thinking of me. He thinks he’s clever though. That’s for sure.”

ME: “I’m in love with the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet in my eyes but I want to be with her. Not much to ask when she is in love with me too. He’s trying to make you look like a poor mother when you’re the best mother and person when you’re just a bad wife because of all he’s done. Because of who he is.”

ME: “I don’t dislike him as a human being. I only dislike him as your husband. You deserve better.”

ANYA: “All I can say is I love you and I don’t want to get into it.”

After I read her text, all I could say is I didn’t know how much more of my heart and soul I could pour into our love if she never wanted to get into it. Her text was a perfect example of how her love for me only existed on her terms. Jackson was the responsible party for the woman at the games. And just like myself, she would’ve never existed if he hadn’t cheated on her. Yet not one time did she blame him for her discomfort at the games to me. A decision she should have also made the first night we met, if she didn’t want it to affect me at all. Since he bought her kids with boats, horses and rewards for their hard work, I wasn’t worth being vouched for, protected or defended. She wanted me to fight for her without a fight, and it made no sense anymore. I felt she unnecessarily and purposely threw the time she spent with her kids this Easter weekend in my face, to drive a sentimental wedge between us, and I wasn’t happy about it. Jackson’s symposium left me to feel misled by Anya, and her love for me. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I was in massive agony that I trusted had reason. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want to pressure her, but I felt Jackson not only wanted this but that Anya misled me about her intentions as it seemed this was the plan since Day one; to hide all she couldn’t from Lance, then allow me to fall deeply in love with her and then hit me with the “kids” and a mother’s sacrifice after my love for her was secured. She said I was the “perfect” man, and not like any man she ever knew, yet she treated me just like the man who cheated on her; like a man devoid of empathy. If she truly loved me, she needed to make a stand for me. She had to show me she didn’t mislead me in any way, shape or form, otherwise I had to seek the truth on my own.

When Anya told me she “didn’t want to get into it”, I respected her wishes. I knew it wasn’t easy to talk to me with the kids around, and I didn’t want her to be at an emotional disadvantage around them. I tried to ease what I told her by going after Jackson instead, but it didn’t have the effect on her I wanted.

Anya broke the silence between us when she texted me the next morning.

ANYA: “I think people like hurting me to get a reaction out of me. I must be fun to hurt. I’ve told you everything. I don’t know what more you want me to say.”

Everything she did, hidden or not, in support of her marriage hurt me. Everything she did for Jackson that she kept from me, hurt me more than ever. She allowed me to feel something so beautiful and great for her yet she couldn’t understand my goal wasn’t to hurt her. I loved her, but she couldn’t love me on her terms, and call it love. Anyone would love someone who gave them everything they wanted without any cost. She owed it to me to tell me everything I needed to know before I fell in love with her. If she gave me the chance she did, she had to know I wasn’t close to the dog she married. This wasn’t about hurting her, I loved her more than life itself, but understanding why I hurt so much. Why I was allowed and encouraged to fall in love with her if she had kids and mothers made sacrifices for them? Why did she wait to tell me what I was up against? Why didn’t she tell me about all the friends in high places, whose relationships she built and mattered to her, that she stood to lose if she left Jackson? Why did she choose to ruin my life and not the man who allowed me to exist? I wanted to say these things to her. I wanted to drill them in her head. No, you haven’t told me everything. There are still things I don’t know. Things you should have been totally up front about in the beginning. You never told me about the things “better left unsaid”. Things that would challenge your love for me. You never told me the real reason why you were there. That it was money, not because of “baggage”. But, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was too happy to hear from her. To worried about how she felt and didn’t want to ruin her time with the kids, even as I felt ruined for life. I wanted to let it go because I took no pleasure in her pain. It was never fun for me to say a word that hurt her, when I loved her to death. I know what I wanted her to say, but I knew my life would end by her response if I told her.

ME: “Nope. I’m just an idiot. Not easy missing someone you want to spend every waking minute with.”

ANYA: “What now?”

ME: “Enjoy the time w/your kids, babe. We’re secondary.”

ANYA: “Thank u.”

ME: “I’m sorry to hurt you. I love you. I understand how you can feel that way.”

ANYA: “It’s not u against them.”

ME: “Ok.”

ANYA: “I miss u more than u know.”

ME: “How r u? Did you sleep ok?”

ANYA: “Ok. Tossed and turned. U?”

ME: “Ok. I didn’t sleep well either. I apologize for giving you a hard time. I’m trying to keep it together for you, but it’s difficult sometimes.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry you’re hurting. You know how much that hurts me. I just don’t know anymore.”

I felt the form of love I had for Anya would have told her “I won’t do things to hurt you anymore” rather than “I just don’t know anymore”. She knew what hurt me, yet she had no plans to discontinue what she did or change her behavior. If she allowed or encouraged any man to feel as much as I did for her, she had zero right to act as if her hands were tied behind her back. I never wanted to come in the middle of a marriage if she had any plans to stay if she experienced even a percent of what we did. When her form of love failed to meet mine, a love she told me was “true”, I ached to see what truth existed behind her words.

ME: “What don’t I know about you missing me?”

ANYA: “Huh?”

ME: “You told me you miss me more than I know. What don’t I know?”

ANYA: “You don’t see me throughout the day. You don’t see what I go through.”

ME: “What do you go through babe? Please tell me. I need to know.”

ANYA: “A lot of missing you.”

ME: “How specifically?”

ANYA: “Nothing to open up. I just miss you a lot.”

Her vague responses only left me more unconvinced, just something said to quell the storm within me. I wanted peace between us as well. I didn’t want to burden her at all, but why did she allow me to feel what I did—all for the sake of a dream? She only told me she loved and missed me so I wouldn’t pressure her to leave, as she hoped I would just walk away if I couldn’t handle it, but I found it impossible now. I stood to lose too much, not only her but my career as well, but it seemed she left me with only two choices; to leave or to put up with it, and if that was true, how could she say she loved me in any way shape or form? I counted on her to know what love was after the emotional abuse she endured by the hands of a man who promised to honor her for her lifetime. I never wanted to put pressure on her, but it was a great challenge while she partied like a rockstar with neighbors and hung out with her kids, while I hung out with a stage four cancer patient for comfort when I missed her. She complained of inequity in her marriage, but she gave me the same inequity. If she could watch me walk away without a care, then she never needed me enough to love me at all. I felt now, if she ever truly loved me, she would’ve separated from Jackson or made me a promise to leave him one day. I knew it wasn’t simple for her to do, but it was that simple if she truly loved and respected me. If I didn’t show her what love was, she would only do this to someone else. In a way, I felt I protected her by holding her accountable to know what love was. That she couldn’t just love people this deeply without any real sense of obligation, only for the sake of a dream. Love was a crazy emotion, I felt it, but if she put the wrong man through this, she would never live long enough to leave Jackson. Of course, I’d take my own life before I’d take someone else’s, but I wasn’t like most men. As much as I questioned her form of love at this time, I didn’t want to steal her away from her kids, so I caved in.

ME: “You know you put a lot of women to shame, if not all of them. I know you might find this contradictory but I wouldn’t love you if you were the type of woman to leave your kids behind for me b/c if you were to leave them behind, two innocent people, you wouldn’t hesitate to leave me behind one day too. It’s a beautiful quality and I respect that about you, babe.”

ANYA: “I don’t know what you mean.”

ME: “I’m just saying I love you for putting your kids before yourself. If you didn’t, I don’t think I would.”

ANYA: “Thank you.”

Although I felt I deserve a promise, and for her to at least separate from Jackson. I wanted her to know, as much pain as it brought me, I respected her struggle too. If she should feel tremendous guilt about anything, it was the way she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her as if she planned to leave Jackson. How could she allow that to happen and not at least promise to leave? How could she be so bold yet so cowardly at the same time? I believed if I had done this to her, and the circumstances were reversed, I would’ve never have heard the end of it. If Carolyn and Debbie thought we went in circles, that was the reason why. My own contradiction was as much as I questioned her form of love, I didn’t want to believe I was right about it. I wanted to believe her love for me was the same form of love I felt for her. I wanted to give her the chance to prove that to me, and if we broke up, it would always seek it or feel completely misled. I even felt a bit victimized by it at times, almost as if I were a rape victim because I never signed up for this. I always trusted her to leave if she loved me the way I loved her.

I didn’t hear from Anya until about seven that evening, and when I did I felt like it was done not only to avoid me, but to avoid a situation that would’ve hurt me and only led to pressure from me.

ANYA: “Turning in early! Goodnight u!”

As much as I wanted her to talk to me, I couldn’t blame her as I knew the emotional toll this relationship was beginning to take on both of us as I wanted to crash as well. I felt bad about the pressure I gave her because she had to face her kids while I only faced four walls with my emotions. Although she was at an emotional disadvantage at home, she had something I didn’t; she knew without a doubt I truly loved her.

The next morning, the Anya I knew and loved, appeared.

ANYA: “Good morning! How was your night?”

ME: “Good morning! I went to bed early too and slept better! How was your night?”

ANYA: “I crashed. Needed it!”

ME: “By the way, today is the last day of busy season! I finally get my life back!”

ANYA: “That’s good! I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too.”

With the fifteen-hour days and office work on Saturdays behind me, I had high hopes the stress and fatigue would decrease enough for me to deal more constructively with my emotions and to not put any more undue pressure on Anya. She mentioned there might be a chance for her to visit me, on Friday, the seventeenth of April, but it was extremely tentative as it happened before our bump in the road the last couple of days. As much as I missed her, I didn’t want her to visit if she felt uncomfortable as we both needed less apprehension and more positivity. I also wanted Anya to know, I thought she was a great mother. Even as we dated, she always went beyond the call of duty as a mother for her kids, and I needed to better instill that kind of positive reinforcement in her. I didn’t have a problem with Anya, the mother. She reminded me too much of my own. I only had a problem with Anya, the parent, as I felt she needed to be brave enough to teach her kids what was and what was not acceptable in a marriage. They were growing but she also wasn’t fooling them anymore--not after Katie overheard her threaten Jackson with divorce. Anya couldn’t destroy a big part of who she was, a crucial part of her well-being, just to please them. To make them feel everything was just super when things weren’t as evidenced, even fifteen years later, by the woman at the baseball games. I didn’t think it was right that she remained dishonest with her children and treated them as if they were inept to feel or know what was happening around them. There was a way she could be honest with them without being totally honest about their father. His money shouldn’t be enough to replace his presence as he wasn’t there as much as a father should be. He also had no plans to change as his political aspirations would separate himself from them even more. I didn’t believe mothers were intended to make sacrifices in dishonest environments, but rather showed the courage to be honest with their kids and not to pretend they were perfect. Anya and Jackson built a bubble around Katie and Andrew, a false environment that only set them up for failure when adversity struck to show them life wasn’t fair to anyone. To me, Anya had to know when she had to be a mother, and when she had to be a parent—a struggle every parent had.

ME: “I hope you know I think you’re a great mother, babe. I hope you don’t think I’d ever be critical of all you do for your kids. I know it’s not an easy job, and I respect that.”

ANYA: “Thanks I try. Of course, I have to be a responsible mom. I always have a lesson to teach. They just don’t “get” just to “get”. So, they will be purchasing today.”

The last thing I wanted was for her to think she had to vouch for her skills as a mother. All because Anya stayed with Jackson didn’t make her a bad parent either. I wanted her to be both, a great mother and parent, and felt if she was honest with her kids, and showed them what she preached, that money didn’t lead to happiness, she was a leader of parents and mothers, and not just a part of the herd. Her well-being was just as important as her kids. They looked up to her for leadership. Did Anya want them to have the same kind of marriage she did? One that led to infidelity instead of love? Did she plan to teach them that marriages were unrealistic anyway? Was that the purpose of the sacrifice I made in my life for her? I had to laugh at Anya because even though they made their own purchases, they likely got the money from her or Jackson—they weren’t part of the labor force just yet. I still loved Anya’s message to me, as her text intended to show me that she wouldn’t buy their love, the way Jackson did. That although it seemed they always got what they wanted, they didn’t, and to me, that was being a good parent and not just a good mother.

ANYA: “Muah! Nite nite!”

For the second night in a row, Anya texted me goodnight, and it helped me settle my emotions as her text exhibited behavior I expected from someone who cared about me. Most importantly, although it was spring break for the kids, she texted me in a way I didn’t feel played with my emotions. She didn’t have to text me all day long. She just needed to be consistent with her communications, and not turn into the next Houdini. I knew some days she couldn’t stay in touch as much as she liked, but as long as I felt the love and I knew why, I was comfortable with her silence.

The next afternoon, as morning passed in silence, the Anya who understood my sorrow, made a triumphant return.

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you forever.”

ME: “I love you forever!”

ANYA: “So tomorrow or not a good idea?”

Since her kids were on vacation, I assumed she never planned to meet me on the seventeenth, especially after I broke down on her again. I figured at that point, she wouldn’t even dare to mention it, but when she did, I found authenticity in her “I miss you more than you know” texts from the other day.

ME: “I’d love to see you tomorrow. I didn’t want to mention anything b/c of the kids. I wouldn’t want to take any time away from your time with them. Are you sure you want to? I’d love to see you.”

ANYA: “I’d love to but I worry about you. After early part of this week, I wasn’t sure. I can take a quick break from the kids.”

ME: “Thank you, Sweetheart.”

ANYA: “You don’t have to thank me. I want to see you. I just don’t want you to hurt afterwards. Of course, I hurt too but I have the kids and it’s easier cuz busy with them.”

When she acknowledged this fact, I was so deeply touched by her empathy a tear shot down my face. Once again, I felt this enormous guilt for letting my negative thoughts run amok. It broke my heart for her and this was all I needed from her at times; a show of what I meant to her—that I had a real purpose in her life. Her text didn’t tell me she missed me, it showed me she missed me even if she couldn’t make it tomorrow. I didn’t want to ever tell her my missing her was not the same, because I didn’t want her to feel bad about it, but only aware of it. I needed to know she wasn’t like her husband, a person void of empathy. Her love was thoughtful enough to consider my side of the fence, and even after I left her unsettled, she understood how her silence could leave me to feel. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t have cared to ever hear from her, but she was my ecosystem now, and I needed her light to help me through the darkness. There were times I wish I had kids of my own just so I’d feel less inclined to give her any grief, and be able to relate better. I felt bad for Anya in that sense, but if we ended up together, it would benefit her more as I could focus on Katie and Andrew and not kids of my own. Unfortunately, the things in my life didn’t keep me engaged enough to keep my mind off her. I was happy she had Katie and Andrew to help her with the emotions because I wouldn’t have wished this longing on my worst enemy, let alone my best friend. This love Anya gave me was akin to winning the biggest lottery jackpot in history and not having to share it with anyone, but the barriers of our relationship, also made it feel like I had both my arms and legs amputated. I had no doubt if she didn’t have her kids, she would know exactly how crazy this missing truly felt, and how it could get the mind going in places you didn’t want it to ever go. I didn’t mean to hurt her when I told her she didn’t miss me, but the schism between our feelings of missing were wide enough to feel like she didn’t miss me at all as her silence helped increase the gap, and it scared me. I didn’t want to be caught off guard and told “I love you” when she decided to patch things up with Jackson after all we’ve shared. I also didn’t know what Jackson was capable of emotionally. I didn’t think he’d personally kill me, but he definitely had the money to hire someone to take care of business if he felt threatened. The stakes were now higher than ever as lives, reputations and careers were on the line. If Anya planned to veer off road. I deserved to know, and not be left to figure it out on my own. Consistent communication weathered the storms I encountered within whether she missed me or not, and thankfully it seemed she understood.

ME: “I’d hurt more if I didn’t see you.”

ANYA: “Ok. Can’t wait!”

When I read her “can’t wait!”, it felt like I just learned there really was life after death, relieved to know she missed me as much as I missed her. Later that evening, my first night back home on a regular, non-busy season work schedule, I texted Anya to see what she was up to.

ANYA: “Hanging w/Andrew and making dinner. Have to pick up Katie from a party later and have 5 girls spending the night. You?”

ME: “Oh nothing. I’m just staying home tonight, but now living vicariously through Andrew.”

ANYA: “Ha!”

I didn’t hear back from Anya that evening but I knew she was busy as she had her hands full with all the kids at her house. It felt so much better to know I’d see her the next day as I got the best night of sleep since her last visit weeks ago. Back in tune with her, I tried to finish “Breaking Dawn”, the last book in the “Twilight” series. I even decided to take the day off to make sure my apartment was clean and in proper shape for her visit. I looked at my journal and noticed her last visit was exactly two weeks ago on April the third, and this visit would be her forty second time to my place and the eighty second time we’ve seen each other overall. I then took a Vicodin; in case she spoke of anything that might illicit negative emotions within me. I hoped this visit would be positive, but after my breakdown a few days prior, I was unsure if she had the same thing in mind. If she didn’t want to walk on eggshells anymore, I feared she might say something that would get me to think. After forty-two visits to my apartment, any perceived allegiance to her marriage could steer me over the edge of Niagara Falls. If she’s has been walking on eggshells, what things were I not made aware of? Before Anya arrived however, I truly believed this would be a positive visit, as she texted me in the morning.

ANYA: “Good morning!”

ME: “Good morning! Excited to see you!”

ANYA: “Me too! See you soon!”

I tried not to analyze, or read into, Anya’s short morning text on a day we were to see each other, but I just didn’t sense the same excitement from the prior day. It even got a little stranger when she texted me an hour before she was due to arrive.

ANYA: “OMG! I’m still at the Dr’s office! I’ll rush them!”

Her text made no sense to me. How could she let five friends spend the night when the kids had doctor appointments in the morning? Did she just boot them all out of the house at nine in the morning? Notwithstanding Anya never told me her kids had doctor appointments when she asked if a visit was still a good idea. She always told me of things that could cause her to run late or why she had to meet at a certain time. Although something seemed out of place, I played as if all systems were normal.

ME: “Babe. I had no idea they had doctor appointments today. Please take your time. If you have to cancel I’d understand.”

Fifteen minutes later, she sent me another text.

ANYA: “Ok so just got home. Will leave in 2 min!”

ME: “Take your time babe. Please be careful. I’m not going anywhere.”

It surprised me when she said she would leave in two minutes as I feared she planned to cancel. It would have devastated me if she cancelled because I had my heart so set in her visit now, and I missed her terribly. At the same time, I didn’t want her to leave her kids just to see me. For all I knew, she could have struggled to find a nanny, and if she told me that, I’d have another reason for her to leave Jackson. Everything seemed possible but improbable because I knew her well enough now to know the difference.

About a half hour later as I stood by the gate, I received the text I always loved to see as I watched her car pull into the parking lot area.

ANYA: “Here”

Everything seemed on par for the course when she snatched my hand in hers as she entered past the gate. Although overcast and drab, her smile and laughter made the sun’s presence irrelevant when she showed me the necklace I gave her, gracing her immaculate neck line. After we entered my apartment, she came into my arms and our lips found each other as they seemed to resolve any unsettled feelings that remained. Five minutes later, we found ourselves in the company of candlelight and soft music as our skin melted into each other to form a single person. After an hour passed, she lied apart from me on her side of my bed, an oddity I found hard to ignore when the opiate’s euphoric high I thought I needed was replaced by her affection for me. Without a Vicodin to dull them, and without her in my arms, I sensed negative emotions from the early part of the week begin to creep back in.

“I put my phone at the bottom of my purse after we talked on Monday.” she informed me. “I’m sorry but I needed some time to think.”

“You don’t owe me an apology, babe.” I said. “That was my fault.”

“My son is afraid I’m going to leave.” She said.

“What gave him that impression?” I asked shocked he knew something wasn’t right. “The night you didn’t show to his game?”

“Yes.” She said. “He asked me to promise him that I never will.”

At the time I was upset that Anya didn’t ask Jackson for a separation when she felt discomfort, even fifteen years later, when she couldn’t see her son play baseball because of his ex-mistress at the game. Now I felt ashamed by it; that it was because her son, who had grown dependent on his mother to be at his games, got to her about the issue first. All I could do was hope Anya, would do the right thing, but if she lived in a world of fantasy, I could only fear the worst.

“Okay.” I said as I tried to breathe. “Did you?”

“I did.” She said as her eyes failed to meet mine.

“I see.”

I could see how Jackson was mostly absent in their lives, and how much Andrew in particular, was dependent on her. Her promise was very sweet, but again, another example of how she left me to feel non-existent in her life. While she lived in a world of fantasy and luxury as I lived in a world of reality and need. As if my love, sacrifice and pain couldn’t possibly have been real. If she promised Andrew she would never leave, what stopped her from patching things up with Jackson, if she hadn’t already? The realistic scenario was clear; what monster wouldn’t agree to let her go now? Her love left me now to feel if I didn’t agree, that I didn’t care for her, or for Andrew and only myself. This was the perfect excuse, to tell me it was Andrew who asked her to stay, and not Jackson. If Andrew, at eleven years old, sensed she might leave, didn’t she realize her kids were aware she lied to them? If she truly loved me, why would she continue to do so? Wouldn’t her dishonesty be more of a reason to come clean to Andrew? She could’ve pointed to the inequities in the marriage, and not the infidelities. This was the only part of Anya I found wrong, how she wanted to be a friend more than a parent. If Anya and I never experienced a thing together, but I knew she did with another man in the same manner we did, I would also disagree with her decision to fulfill Andrew’s desire to never leave. The only way I’d be behind it, is if our relationship lasted for a short duration, but we were talking sixteen months of virtually unrestrained love. She led me all this way for just a feeling? She led me all this way to treat me as if we never shared all we did? I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I didn’t know what to trust as I didn’t want to question her intentions. I didn’t know how to react as she then continued to reinforce the reason for her promise to him.

“They feel safe where they’re at.” She said.

I didn’t buy it. How could after sixteen months? After we just showed our settled affection for each other? What made her think they’d leave home if Jackson planned to give the house to her if she divorced him? All I could do was nod because what else could I do? If I accused her or said anything in my head, it would only be viewed upon as pressure. After we just had a beautiful time together, she put me at a great emotional disadvantage, a spot I never anticipated to be in. I fought not to read too much into it, as I remembered a visit when she told Andrew the same thing; the night she left the house to sit inside her car when no one helped her clean up after dinner. Anya told me the other day that the kids didn’t “get” just to “get”, but it seemed they always got what they wanted, and if they didn’t, they eventually did. Why did she believe they would be less safe with me? Maybe there were things I didn’t understand but was too emotional to ask, and I didn’t want to burden her more than she was already. I was prepared for her mixed feelings because I knew they were on vacation and in her company. How many times did she try to leave but ended up unable to? All she did was deny here true feelings. She loved me with zero restraint. I could have gotten her pregnant if I wanted to. Anya used to ask me why I held back which implied she wouldn’t stop me. I only disagreed because I knew the truth about our relationship. All that was ever said and all that was ever shared. She could lie to everyone else around her, but she could never lie to me, and it’s why I fought for her. I knew one thing was absolutely true, her kids and her husband, her family, didn’t want the best for her, but the best for themselves. Although I respected her kids, I knew I wasn’t an unsafe option, so I fought against it because I truly wanted the best for her. I was even asked if I would fight for her, and now I knew it was for times like this, and that’s what I planned to do.

When I could not find any words to say, Anya told me she had to get back to her kids and I agreed as she sucked the life out of me with what she told me out of the blue. I didn’t say a word to her as we walked to the point of her entry as I tried to smile through the promise she made to her son. I couldn’t hate her for it. I know she loved her kids and I didn’t want to discourage that, but she should’ve never allowed me to feel so much, not even for a day. Her kids existed in her life during the time before we reconnected and she dated Lance. She just couldn’t do this to people, but I remained hopeful as we’ve been down this road a few times before.

“You know babe. Just because you get a divorce, doesn’t mean you’re leaving your kids behind.” I said as we reached the gate. ‘Maybe you could explain that to Andrew and it won’t scare him.”

“I know I’m not leaving them.” She said. “It’s the sharing part.”

“You’re worried about the sharing part, babe?” I laughed. “You’ll win custody and probably have the kids every other weekend.”

“But I don’t want to leave them even fifty percent of the time.” She said.

Like a dead fish, every hope, wish and dream I held for us, floated lifelessly. I nodded and kissed her goodbye, told her I loved her, thanked her for her visit and watched her as she drove away. Before I began the lonely walk back to my apartment, I dug my hands deep into my pockets and looked up into a semi-overcast dark sky, and at a setting sun that provided the same amount of warmth as the moon. As I walked back to my holding cell, I kicked a pebble who seemed to have more significance in life than I did. I then descended back to a world I used to feel I never had a chance in, as the woman who told me “I have been honest with you from the beginning”, now told me she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, after she took a hundred percent of my life. Anya loved me so much, she waited until after I couldn’t live without her, to tell me she could.

If Anya didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, then I wouldn’t want her to, but it made me feel her mind was made up about us, long before Katie’s letter. In fact, long before we even started to see each other. This is what she told Lance as well, and why he felt there was a tragic ending to their relationship—very strong words for a relationship she said was nothing close to ours. I felt betrayed by her as I felt she knew this for a long time. I felt set-up, as she loved me to control me, to use my own love for her as a weapon against her. So, if I didn’t agree with her decision, she could question my love for her whenever I questioned hers. I felt bamboozled, something I should’ve realized when she couldn’t tell her son the truth; that even if she left their dad, she wouldn’t be leaving him. This was the trouble I found with Anya’s parenting, it was not only dishonest, but it also feigned nobility. When she made a promise to Andrew, it proved to me my greatest fear; she possessed the ability to make promises to the people she loved and didn’t want to hurt. It showed if she couldn’t make me a promise, what other proof did I need to know where I stood? It also showed she felt ‘tremendous guilt” for her kids, not for me as if deserved this fate of pain; as if she told me everything from day one.

On the other hand, it was now perfectly clear that she hid things from me—I knew this desire to not lose fifty percent of her kids existed long before I ever did. Now, Lance and I were both in the same boat set adrift, as it seemed the men who cared were only selected to pay the price for Jackson’s infidelities and abuse of her. I knew there was no way past this feeling as once again her words “some things are better left unsaid” filled my mind enough to break me, enough to consider a drive to a marine green bridge. There was just no way I could defeat them by simply trying to live life. All I could do was reach for a Vicodin and fight to believe she would never do something like this to me—to allow and encourage me to feel love for its own sake, and to take sixteen months of my life for nothing.

ME: “Did you make it home ok?”

ANYA: “Just dropped them off at the beach! Thank u for taking time off today! It was nice to see u! I love u!”

ME: “It was nice to see u too. I love u too.”

After the way her visit ended, I reflected upon the right choice I made to take the entire day off from work as I never felt more discouraged in my life. Why did she have to visit just to hit me with this while we we’re in bed together? She didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids but she wanted to know all my sexual fantasies and make them come true? How could she do this to the man she claimed to love? I just wanted to disappear from the human race after what she told me. If this is what life had in store for me then what was my purpose here? Did she think I wanted her to lose fifty percent of her kids if she was never willing to? Now if I disagreed, she would look upon me as not ever truly loving her? How could she love me on this level and not be willing to at least lose fifty percent of her kids? She told me she didn’t know, yet she knew she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids? If she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids in a divorce, then she never planned to get a divorce, and only planned to use me to fill the void in her marriage. I felt violated by what she told me after I sacrificed and endured so much. After I knew I’d never be the same person again, and would never again trust someone who loved me as much as I loved her.

As I laid down in my bed, I could not get my mind off the thoughtlessness and selfish nature of her words as if I never meant a thing to her. How she turned her love from, me versus a horrible marriage, into me versus her kids. The same kids whose lives she shared with me that allowed me to fall in love with them too. I didn’t know how I would find the strength to ever text her again as it felt she had just told me “I don’t love you anymore”. In essence, that’s exactly what she told me. It was easier to tell me “I don’t want to lose fifty percent of my kids” than to tell me “I still love my husband” or “Money matters to me” or “and as long as he provides for my kids, he could cheat all he wanted to because marriages were unrealistic anyway”. If she believed she learned, felt and grew from our love, I now knew that wasn’t true.

As I sat in my bed, among candles that still burned, she texted me.

ANYA: “U ok?”

As upset as I was, her text gave me some room to breathe as I remembered Anya’s empathy and this text seemed like an admission that what she did was pretty fucked up. As the Vicodin kicked in, it allowed me to remember all the times she’d hit me with something heavy to only come back to her senses. I didn’t want to believe Anya was capable of such a violation of someone’s trust in them. Yes, she didn’t know. Yes, I hung in there with that knowledge, but the love she showed me in San Diego only brought her closer to knowing. She came over and nothing held her back from loving me, not even the fact she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of the time spent with her kids. What parent would want to lose fifty percent of her kids anyway? As upset as I was with her, and how unfair it was what she told me, I wasn’t ready to give up that easily, not after sixteen months.

ME: “I’m ok. I love you and miss you.”

ANYA: “Ok I’m glad you’re ok! I miss you and love you too!

ME: “Very sweet of you to wear your thingie!”

ANYA: “I love my thingie and I love u!”

I found it funny she worried about me being ‘ok’, but had no problem in communicating what she did, words that could only devastate me. She allowed me to fight for her upon her request, something I poured my heart and soul into for sixteen months only for her to pull a bait and switch? Now, if I fought for her, I would be fighting for her to have her kids only fifty percent of the time? How did she lead me to believe I fought her for her happiness to only end up fighting for her unhappiness? I had to face some hard facts. As much as she told me she loved me. As much a she told me she missed me. She only loved and missed me as long as I remained a secret—as long as she could stay in her marriage. As long as we had each other clandestinely, she loved me forever. In any other form though, especially one that threatened her marriage, she did not love me nor did she miss me. If she didn’t have Jackson, she had her kids, her friends and her family—all the things he afforded her in life to have. I was only in her life for the reason I told her I would never accept if we pursued a relationship—to fill a void in her marriage; a truth too painful to accept. The very thing I warned her about in the beginning, she disregarded completely as whatever Anya wanted, Anya received. As if no man could ever resist her—an ego that pulled me straight into her web of lies. She even got this one to fight for her for sixteen months. I just wasn’t ready to accept Anya could do this to me. That she would never violate me as a person in this way. Not the man who loved and cared for her. Who even told his mother, who was battling Cancer, about her. There had to be an explanation for this, somewhere.

She then sent me a few texts to help ease the turmoil within.

ANYA: “Muah!”

ANYA: “I miss u.”

ANYA: “Goodnight babe!”

I stayed cordial as I tried to believe she could never possess a reason to hurt me like this. I couldn’t allow her to make a huge mistake; one I knew she would regret. I surmised with her kids at home on vacation, she caved in as her texts showed me it wasn’t the way she truly felt. If she knew she was right, she would’ve never had a reason to care enough to text me. I stayed up that evening and as I searched the internet for anything that would help me with the way I felt, I found this article written by a woman who left her marriage and the reasons why she felt she did the right thing. It was titled “Should You Stay for The Sake of The Kids”? Her story opened my eyes as her oldest child came back from school crying that her best friend’s parents were getting divorced. She told her oldest child at the time that it would never happen to her family. She said when she looked back, it was the worst thing she could have told her, not because she lied to her, but because when they did get divorced, it did more harm than good. Her husband was cheating on her and she decided to not get divorced, even allowing her husband to have a girlfriend, rather than tearing down all they built. She tried to fight the divorce and the other woman, for the sake of the children, but in the end realized her children were not benefiting from trying to keep the family together. It made all the sense in the world as her reasons for leaving validated all the reasons I gave Anya to leave, and why I couldn’t allow her to make that mistake. That when you stay in a marriage that lacks love and trust, you teach your children that is ok for them too. For the sake of others, it is okay to not be loved and something we’re supposed to do. Did Anya want to teach Andrew and Katie that their needs come last? She taught Andrew and Katie that all marriages are this way, loveless, and you’re not worth being loved within it. That marriage is a commitment to misery and not joy. To stay for the sake of the kids, in order for them to feel safe and to protect them, is a lie and only provided a temporary benefit; a false sense of security because there was no way to hide from the truth, and it will affect them emotionally down the road. By staying with Jackson, Anya was teaching her kids through the silent anger and dishonesty, was to live a life void of any acknowledgement of pain, as if they should disassociate themselves from normal emotions. That you didn’t need love in life, it was unrealistic and a sign of strength to do with out it, when we were made to survive and thrive on it. All Katie and Andrew were learning at home was how to live life in sad silent desperation, with no affirmation of love or belonging. This would only affect the quality of their marriages, and even their relationships down the road. All that Anya hid from them, that she believed brought them security, only deprived them of much needed survival skills, like coping with the unfairness of life, and other basic problems. Anya didn’t do it purposely, but she denied them the strength needed to exercise choices that could make their situations better as she taught them, this life she hates is as good as it gets, so strap yourself in for the long haul of a miserable life that is waiting for you too. The more Anya pulled the wool over the eyes of her kids, the more damage she potentially did to them. Not to mention, if Andrew worried she would leave, she only made matters worse by continuing to be dishonest with him. He was impressionable, had eyes to see and ears to hear, and he knew there was trouble in paradise otherwise, he would’ve never feared it. He gave Anya a chance to come clean with him, to show she respected him, yet she chose not to protect him, but to control him. To even gaslight him into believing it was all his imagination. All she did was show her son, how out of touch with reality his mother was, and she set the stage for him to hold it against her one day when he was old enough to put the puzzle together. Anya would rather Andrew and Katie blame themselves rather than be honest with them about the abnormal marriage, and how could she even dare to do such a thing with a man in her life the way that I was? It was clear Anya wanted control, and manipulated their minds through dishonesty, a disciplinarian parent, but not a leader. Just another egotistical parent who aimed to please the herd while denying her children the chance at healthy, happy relationships. Anya could stay with Jackson, and prove to her kids that parents should stay together, but she missed the opportunity to teach them about mutual respect, love and honesty. She missed the opportunity to teach them if you’ve made a terrible decision in life, you could always make a decision to correct it, and how could I allow that to happen when I loved her so much? With her promise to Andrew, one other thing was certain, she could never again accuse me of breaking her heart.

Before I went to bed, and after she turned off her phone for the evening, I sent her some texts in an effort to relieve my tortured mind.

ME: “I was just thinking of you putting your phone at the bottom of your purse on Monday. Sometimes when we disagree, I leave my phone in the car and walk back into the office, but I’d say about 30 minutes later, I’m right back down at my car checking it to see if you texted me.”

ME: “It was really nice to talk about things today even though it made me sad. It’s good for me to know b/c your husband blurs things. When you told me it was “nice to hang out with the kids”, I felt like you were hanging out with someone else the other times you told me you were hanging out with the kids so I wondered “Is she really or does she just tell me this to hide the “things better left unsaid” from me?”.

ME: “It’s important for you to share what you did with me today, and anything else you’re feeling, so I can better understand what you’re going through.”

If she could stay after all we’ve shared, then I felt a part of her still loved Jackson, and I wanted her to tell me that so I would have no choice but to fall out of love with her. I wanted her to rip my heart out of she had to, but I felt the things “better left unsaid” should’ve been said to avoid all I felt now, and learned the prior day.

Anya texted me early that next morning.

ANYA: “Good morning! “Things better left unsaid?” What does that mean?”

I found it interesting Anya didn’t remember her own words. Either that, or I put it in a context that confused her.

ME: “Good morning! It’s what you’ve told me before. Do you remember telling me that? It was a while ago.”

I didn’t want to bring up the day she told me this. The day after she confessed she still slept with Jackson.

ANYA: “It’s what you want. Right?”

All I ever wanted was the truth, especially before I fell for her as it would hurt a lot less than it would now. In the beginning, I told her I wanted to know the brutal truth, even if it hurt me. I wanted to know my true chances of her being with me. If she felt she had a right to shut down on me and not talk about the girl after the game, which she did, I had the right to know when we first met, she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids so I could avoid this heartbreak. So I could save my heart and mind from all this anguish and pain. So I could save my life! I had the right to know the truth, why all of a sudden, she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, when she told me no men wanted to date her because she had baggage, and that was why she was still married. Not one time did I ever hear because I don’t want to lose fifty percent of my kids. She couldn’t bring someone into her life, wreck it recklessly, and change her mind on a whim unless she told me the truth that she still loved Jackson and it’s why she still slept in the same bed. That this love was payback for all he put her through, because right now that’s what it felt like!

ME: “All I want is to be with you.”

ANYA: “You said you didn’t want me to tell you details cuz hurts too much.”

I couldn’t recall I ever said this to her but I agreed with her as I couldn’t deal with the details. She made the statement the other day that she must be easy and fun to hurt. If she slept with her husband, what the hell did she think she did to me each time she did? Did she only consider herself when it came to hurting someone? She didn’t want to share any details because she knew she would feel pressure, and she preferred not to feel pressure rather than do the right thing when you loved someone. Every single day, she only proved to me she did the wrong thing. Over and over. She lied to her kids. Lied to her friends. Lied to her family. What made me think for a second, she wasn’t lying to me? As much as I wanted to defend her, her blatant disregard for my feelings, much like Jackson’s for hers the day he cheated on her, just before she left my apartment was too cruel and vicious to ignore. Now that she fought back on “things better left unsaid”, I wasn’t sold this was about her kids at all, but something more. She allowed me to enter a den of lions at the symposium. She never talked about that woman at the games anymore. The gorgeous flowers she “got” for her kitchen. It just all added up that she planned to work through her issues with Jackson, after she took my heart. I deserve the right to know what was going on, and after she told me she didn’t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, she couldn’t hurt me more than she had already did.

ME: “So…is that what’s going on?”

ANYA: “No, but you told me u didn’t want to know.”

ME: “I’ve been wondering what’s going on at home to keep him thinking there is nothing going on between us? Why am I the one pressuring you, but he isn’t? I worry about that.”

ANYA: “What do you mean?”

ME: “I’m under the impression, you’re doing things for and with him to prove that you’re not seeing me at all anymore. So, he doesn’t pressure you, like giving yourself to him sexually.”

ANYA: “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Ouch.”

ME: “Ouch? So, that’s not happening? I’m wrong?”

I only mentioned it because I wanted to be so wrong—as wrong as any human being could be about something. I hated to pressure her but if she lied to me, I needed to know the real reason why out of the blue she didn’t want to lose her kids fifty percent of the time. When you loved someone as much as she claimed, pressure of any kind could never exist. You would want to be pulled in the direction of the one you loved. She not only sounded like a woman who didn’t love me, but who also had no clue what love was. Her mind seemed to be made up, as she now tried to separate herself from me to save face, the same thing Denise did. Did she choose not to sleep with Jackson because she loved me and didn’t want to hurt me? Or because in a marriage, having sex was hard with kids around and that’s why no intimacy existed between them? I needed to know what she did to my heart so I could save my life. I couldn’t continue to love someone who lied to me and who lived dishonestly as it seemed she treated me just like everyone else around her. My life seemed to weigh in the balance as I waited for her response.

ANYA: “I’m not going there.”

ME: “So is it happening? You told me you’ve been nothing but honest with me. I don’t expect that to change now. I need to know. Yes or no?”

In essence, I asked her “do you love me?” as I waited for her honest answer, and I didn’t know if I could handle the truth at all as my emotions held dominion over me. If she truly wanted me to quit her, here was her golden opportunity.

ANYA: “No way! I’m not even talking to you about details! You’re only going to get mad again!”

ME: “Honey, I don’t want to know the details. After San Diego and all the other special times, we’ve shared, are you still engaging in sex with him as if I didn’t exist in your life? All you have to say is yes or no. You claimed to always be honest with me so this shouldn’t be too hard.”

ANYA: “What do you expect?”

ME: “I would expect after all the love you’ve shown me and all the hurt, he has shown you that it’s a no. I would expect you’d know the difference between a man who loves you and a man who doesn’t. You claimed you never hurt me nor do you ever mean to. You tell me you love ME. You tell me I want to wear your ring. You tell me I don’t know how bad you miss me. You tell me you hope, wish and dream everyday. You tell me you only love me, and not him. I would expect since your words are true, and you want me to trust in them, that you would never engage in sex with him, when you had me. And I would definitely expect you to know that if you willingly engaged in sex with him, that you’re also willing to deceive me. I would hope you at least respect my heart enough to not hurt me like that, something I would never dream of doing to you because I love you.”

Every second felt like an hour as I awaited her response, one that never came because she now knew I needed reality, not a fantasy. After sixteen months of the greatest love and heartache I’ve ever known, and twenty-two months since the night our eyes first met, she could no longer pretend I didn’t exist. The mixed feelings could no longer exists if she loved me. She had to show me more than words on a phone screen. If she loved me, she needed to slowly extricate herself from Jackson’s pull. I had to understand, sometimes, she had to cave into him, but how would I know that’s all it if she didn’t change a thing about her sleeping arrangements? Couldn’t she fall asleep on the couch a few nights during the week? Why was she so willing to give herself to him if she was so disenchanted with him? Did she initiate the intimacy between them or did he? I understood she didn’t want to feel pressure around her kids, but she needed to make me feel safe, and engaging in the same lifestyle she had before we met, showed me nothing but heartache and pain. If I jumped into this with two feet without hesitation, I deserved every bit of this, but not when I walked away because she was married and was told I broke her heart. I trusted her with my entire life as much as she trusted me with hers. If she was going to disrespect my life by being dishonest, then how could I care about hers? When she was betrayed, she ran to the mistresses’ husband without a second thought. She knew the power of emotions and how anger prevails upon the very thought of betrayal. How could she be this thoughtless? If she planned to jump in the sack with her husband, and pretend I didn’t exist, the card she sent me was a lie. She couldn’t be in my lane, and in build her marriage at the same time. All I wanted was the truth. It’s all I ever wanted from her. If she respected my heart, it should be easy to give me but I was beginning to see, but not willing to fully accept, that this love existed on only her terms. In her silence, it seemed since day one, that she used me to feel love so she could keep her marriage intact.

An hour later when she still hadn’t responded, I spoke for her.

ME: “I guess I’m just a fool then.”

I texted it in hope her love for me would shine through. To tell me I couldn’t have been more wrong about anything in my life. That she moved out of the bedroom months ago, or planned to thwart his every advance, since she would never allow him to kiss her passionately again anyway.

ANYA: “I’m not going to continue this.”

I didn’t know what she meant by that. To not continue responding to my simple question or to not continue our relationship? Her response was the kind of spin a politician would give; An admission of guilt without admission.

ME: “It must be “yes”, then. That’s ok. Now I know the truth.”

ANYA: “Stop.”

ME: “I’ll stop. I think I know what I need to do. I would like you to please consider something though, and to think long and hard about it because I don’t think our love is what’s irrational here.”

ANYA: “What?”

ME: “I want you to look at your kids today, and then take a step away from the present, and ask yourself if what’s best for you right now is really what’s best for them, too. If you care enough about their future well being to do so.”

If Anya couldn’t look at her life and honestly say, this is not what I want for my kids, then I knew there was nothing to stop her dishonesty, not even my love. She would only plan to betray me, the same way Jackson betrayed her.