“The things that you told me
I don't know if I was dreaming
And dreams aren't enough
Life is so lonely
I need someone to believe in
Are you in love?
Can't you see that's everything to me?
That's enough.”
“Magdalene” ~ Boston
ANYA: “So the only solution is to stop contact?
Surprised to hear Anya’s coldness to my solution, it warmed my heart to hear her fight me on it—taking anything positive these days to get me through them. But then, she struck again.
ANYA: “Ok. I will respect your decision.”
Was this really on me? She treated me coldly the other day and I felt guilty about it because my heart was still into us finding a way to be together.
ME: “You’re acting like this is something I want. You were pretty nasty to me yesterday.”
ANYA: “OMG! R u serious?”
ME: “You told me the drama was b/c of the BU then u told me “Not directly”. I didn’t know what to believe.”
ANYA: “Yes it was but not directly. She knows about the BU but she hasn’t asked me how I was doing w/it lately b/c she is so self absorbed these days.”
ME: “Oh, Ok.”
ANYA: “So I started to back off hence the “hurt” feelings b/c she thought I was ignoring her. Like I said, girl drama! I’m sorry I confided in u!”
I didn’t think the “sorry I confided in u” was necessary but I chalked it up to being a knee jerk reaction for telling her she was “nasty” to me the other day—and she was. I’ve been nasty to her too of late so I had to let this go.
ME: “You told me it was about the BU, so I thought it had something to do with the details of it. I don’t know the first thing about girl drama.”
ANYA: “Why should I share details?”
ME: “U have to understand one thing, if nothing at all. I have to deal with him in conjunction with my hurt. You don’t have to deal with that. I’m jealous of that. You’ve told me Debbie and Carolyn knows all we have shared so I thought so.”
ANYA: “Did you think I shared with them the threat? I would never do that! They think the world of u!”
My hurt feelings have disconnected me from what Anya was telling me. Text messaging created dissonance naturally but my emotions compounded my lack of understanding what she tried to tell me. It really was unfair to her that I couldn’t rein in the unknown variable—the fear that gripped me that my life neared its end. How could I tell her that our love was truly life or death for me? All I could do was let my fear, an entity I lost all control of, cloud her message.
ME: “If you told them, it would only be fair to tell them that he cheated on you several times too. I would want them to understand what my reasons were. I will never defend him.”
ANYA: “Look, I don’t want to get into another fight with you again.”
My fear disconnected me from why Anya considered this a threat. I wanted so badly for this to be real. As long as she stayed there, in my distressed mind, she loved Jackson and not me. Her considering telling Jackson a threat instead of setting her into the light of the truth, the light I’m sure God wanted for her, it made me feel used. After all my past heartbreaks, I need Anya because she represented all I ever believed in and why I held out for so long. She made sense of everything and she was right there for the taking. She even gave me her heart and soul but how come she didn’t want to belong to me? Telling me she didn’t want to hurt anyone is something she should’ve told me in the beginning, not nearly two years later—it really fucked me up in the mind. Even though the threat meant something entirely different to her than it did to me—she thought that would destroy any chance of her seeing me ever again. While I looked at it as an opportunity for us to be together. Fear had only one mission—to keep the disconnect in place.
ME: “Take your pain and times it by 50. Not trying to minimize what you feel but it’s not the same.”
ANYA: “Ur getting angry and I can feel myself escalating again. I don’t want to repeat this—I don’t want to fight.”
ME: “Why r u angry?”
ANYA: “Because u r starting w/me again. How many times do u want to make me feel like shit? I’m crying again and I have to get ready for Andrew’s Bday Party.”
After reading her text, I didn’t know how to respond. When she broke this down, how could I disagree with her? Why am I making her feel like shit? Yet, she never told me one time to fuck off, even while getting ready for Andrew’s birthday party.
ANYA: “I’m tired of watching Andrew walking on eggshells w/me in fear of making me cry.”
She paralyzed me with her words, and I felt defeated. How could I keep putting her through this? Picturing that scene at her house was probably one of the things she told me I never knew about. She tried everything reasonably in her power to not lose me, but my pursuit to make us real left her in pieces—in front of her son.
ANYA: “Damn it! I’m a f***in mess now and I can’t get anything done! I just want to die!”
She further paralyzed me with her last statement—I just want to die. I knew the feeling she described all too well—why my work went down in quality. I didn’t know what to say other than to tell her I was through—I was responsible for this.
ME: “I’m done with it.”
The entire afternoon I couldn’t extract myself from bed—I felt awful about how she felt but I had no one to blame but myself for it. She meant the world to me and it seemed my fear of losing her forever and being played for a fool, wouldn’t allow me to communicate that to her the right way. She had every right in the world to be angry with me. She hung in there for me—there could be no other reason, and Andrew was a witness to it all. I needed to see a therapist more than ever before—I couldn’t control myself. Five hours later, I sent her a text.
ME: “Hey, hope you’re doing okay. Look, I’m sorry about what happened earlier. I hope the party is going well.”
ME: “I’m in a lot of pain and I just thought I wasn’t being a good friend. I don’t want to stop contact. I just thought I would get on some medication so I could be a better friend. Believe it or not, I was thinking of you. U know my life is terribly depressing without you.”
ME: “I’m sorry again. I hope Andrew is having a great time. Take care over there.”
After sending the last text, I laid back down in a bed I never left that day. As I laid my phone on the nightstand, its red-light started blinking.
ANYA: “I just don’t know what to say.”
ME: “I know. What can you say or do anymore? I’m trying not to say something that hurts you but the pain seeps in and I can’t stop from doing it. It narrows everything down and blinds me from the big picture. Idk if that makes any sense to you.”
ME: “I want to be a good friend and if I can’t be that, I’m just going to make your life a living hell. I don’t want what happened today to ever happen. I felt so bad for Andrew when you told me that.”
ANYA: “I get it. Be well, Landyn. I’m trying. Today was a wow moment.”
ANYA: “I’m trying to keep it together for Andrew. Wow as in I thought we were ok but we’re really not. I’m done with it like ur “done with it”.”
The beautiful thing about Anya is she rarely used the word “I” or “you to describe us when we had issues. She always used the word “we” and it was one of those special things about her. My arguments did carry a much more selfish nature to them than hers ever did, and I loved her for it. I had a roadblock most people who loved someone didn’t have to deal with and she was the only one who could break that down—and it hurt she couldn’t see any positives in doing that.
The next day was Andrew’s actual birthday, the fourth of July. I didn’t even attempt to get out of bed on this day—I knew I wouldn’t hear from her, but later that afternoon I did.
ANYA: “Happy 4th to you.”
When I imagined her surrounded by family, neighbors and love, I felt extremely angry. Last year was completely different than today for me. I couldn’t remember a time I wasn’t somewhere watching fireworks, but I felt dead inside—a burden to everyone.
ME: “Sorry I just woke up. All I do is sleep my life away these days. I’ll try. You too.”
After all that happened the day prior, I couldn’t blame her for not texting me back at all. I hated to even tell her what I did but I felt removed from the entire world—the most depressed I had ever been. My mom was too sick for fireworks and I was too sick to even leave the comfort of my bedroom. I’m sure my mother left her bed the entire day and she had Cancer. That’s when I knew my mind had defeated my heart.
The next morning, surprisingly she texted me.
ANYA: “How r u? How was ur 4th?”
ME: “It was ok. How was yours? How r u?”
ANYA: “Same here u know. It was Andrew’s Bday so hung out w/him and his friends. I’m ok. How’s ur mom?”
ME: “She’s ok. I felt bad about what I put you through the other day. Hope you know I missed you yesterday.”
ANYA: “I know u did. I missed u too.”
ME: “I’m sorry we had to end up this way.”
ANYA: “I know babe. My heart is broken.”
Anya left for Vegas later this day and more heartbreak and loneliness was on the docket for me. She would be with Jackson and their kids for a few days before he left to do whatever it was he did. I didn’t expect to hear from her at all and I prepared myself for the quiet. When she arrived in Vegas though, she contacted me.
ANYA: “Hot as heck here!”
It surprised me to receive a text from her after I resigned myself to the fact I’d never hear from her for a few days. She even sent me a text later that evening.
ANYA: “Going to bed b4 10pm in Vegas! How pathetic! Grandma!”
ME: “How was your first day?”
ANYA: “Was w/Katie all day and went out to dinner w/other dance moms.”
ME: “The night is still young! You’re in Vegas!”
ANYA: “Yea in Vegas every night is a late night I think.”
The next day brought a text early the next morning apologizing for falling asleep the night before and that her foot and ankle were feeling better. The rest of the day brought complete silence from her and it depressed me. It seemed all we talked about anymore was the mundane and insignificant. I texted her back and she responded about ten hours later.
ANYA: “Thx. Still here. Award tonight. Packed!”
The trip had a New York feel to it, more than a Vegas feel. An award ceremony? Since Jackson was with her, it seemed the trip was for something else other than an award show dance recital and it really left me unsettled. Being in Vegas with her husband, it seemed they were out for a night on the town while I was left at home left to rot. Nothing would’ve stopped her in the past from texting me but now it seemed everything stopped her. Hell, she didn’t even want me there with her. Her silence tripped me up yet again.
ANYA: “Think it’s going to be 107 all week. Yikes.”
Her silence the prior day left me to feel her text was obligatory and one done out of sympathy to pacify me. Then she would just disappear for the entire day as if I didn’t exist in her life. I returned her text with the same spirit hers was sent to me.
ME: “Great. Good to know! Thx!”
I then climbed in bed and sure as the sun rose each morning, I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the day. Imagining her surrounded by the façade with the other dance moms just wrecked me inside—how could she do this to me? How could she have ever allowed me to fall deeply in love with her if this is what I had to endure? I just couldn’t believe it. I guess guilt started to seep in and she texted me later that evening.
ANYA: “How r u? I’m so tired.”
ME: “I’m ok. What’s going on?”
ANYA: “Show all day and night.”
ME: “How did they do? Did you have to work backstage?”
ANYA: “They did well. No no back stage.”
ME: “Well I hope you’re having some fun in between shows.”
After I texted her my last response, she never responded to it—likely sensing I had some doubts if the shows lasted “all day and all night”. Although I felt uneasy about the trip being a twenty-four seven dance marathon, all I could do was try to sleep it all off. After our exchanges over the last few days, I began to resign myself to this friendship never working out. The joy I felt with her was gone now, replaced by her unwillingness to make our love something beyond other than a secret. At this point I could only say “what’s the point”? It seemed like she had as much respect for the man who cheated on her several times as she did for me. I felt insulted each time the façade reared it’s phony money loving head. If she truly believed what we had was “extraordinary” and “real” and “not one of these things” and I was “one of a kind” and “very special” then why couldn’t she vouch for us and for me? I had to be grimly honest with myself—she couldn’t be “in love” with me—she now only loved me as much as she loved Jackson but I was only good enough to love, and not good enough to be with. She only respected men with money and status and she cannot even change that part of her. I had to start facing the facts—not one time, even as she shared their lives with me, not one time did she tell the man she loved that she wanted me to meet her kids one day. To her, I’m a cancer not the cure. When the light of truth is turned on, she runs away like a cockroach would. The silence while she was in Vegas was deafening and although, I did have a part to blame in it, I just felt like a necessary evil to her at this point. At this point, I was lost more than ever before.
It was at this time I decided to book a room at the Mandalay Bay—there was nothing more left to lose. My plan was to tell her of my whereabouts and it would be up to her if she wanted to see me. My heart couldn’t take it anymore and my first therapist session was a week away. This was a monster gamble for me. Figuring she was with Katie when she came to see me in San Diego, there would be a good chance to see her. Being with her helped calm my anxieties and I needed her more than ever. I couldn’t stay bed ridden from being love sick—refusing to be anything less than the cure.
When I arrived in Vegas after my five hour drive, I texted Anya.
ME: “Babe, there is no pressure, but I wanted to let you know I’m in Vegas and I’m staying at the Mandalay Bay. If there is a chance to see you, it would be great, if not, I totally understand. I just needed to get out of the house and I’d feel better knowing there was someone here for you and Katie if something were to happen.”
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
When she responded less than enthusiastically, I lost my wits and we had a back and forth like no other. I hit her with “if you’re in love with someone, you don’t walk away from them” and she countered with “sometimes showing love is walking away”, I then struck back with “I need to feel that way for it to be true.”. I then hit her with some desperate bombs like “You should’ve told me your mom stayed for the kids and that half your friends have also” when we first met. She then threw another bomb at me “we fell in love too quickly and I wasn’t ready to share” and then quickly struck me with “would it have made any difference?” Her first response I had to agree with—who would tell someone that the day they meet? I told her “it would’ve made a world of difference” because I would’ve known what to expect so I could ease my fall. It wouldn’t have stopped me from loving her but at least I’d be aware of the outcome before I fell so deeply. Then she hit me with the deepest cut ever.
ANYA: “You’ve ruined my day, my hope and my life.”
As I paced the Mandalay Bay’s casino floor, this text stopped me in my tracks—it hurt me badly. She then went in for the kill.
ANYA: “Stop being so mean to me! I can’t take your accusations anymore!”
After reading her knockout punch, a haymaker that cut off my breathing, I had never felt so badly. What was I doing to this poor woman? How dare I put her through this? She didn’t ask you to show up, you chose to. What made it even worse is she was surrounded by dance moms and kids—nothing could’ve been more selfish and wrong of me. I couldn’t believe what my words and thoughts were doing to her. I sat down at a slot and put my phone down next to it. I pulled a hundred dollar bill out of my pocket, placed it into the machine then pulled down on the lever. A waitress suddenly appeared.
“Could I get ya somethin’ to drink, Hon?” she asked.
“Crown on the rocks, please.” I replied, fighting back tears.
She nodded then ten minutes later, after I lost that hundred dollar bill to the machine, she laid down my drink. I tipped her five dollars then downed the beverage in less than five minutes. After losing three hundred more dollars and consuming three more crowns on the rocks, I unsteadily rose from my seat and walked back to my room. When I got to my room, I threw myself down on the bed as the room began to spin—I hardly drank anymore. I started searching for my phone to see if she had texted me, but it wasn’t in my pockets. I then began to search the room before suddenly realizing I had taken my phone out of my pocket and placed it near the slot machine. After getting on the elevator to head back down to the casino's gaming area and reaching the machine I was playing on, it was no longer there. I then tracked down my waitress and she told me she didn’t see it but directed me to the lost and found. When I talked to the man behind the lost and found counter, he informed me no one had returned a cell phone. After returning to my room, I called my cell phone number and when what sounded like a Hispanic woman answered the phone, I knew it was gone for good.
When I lost my phone, I wasn’t upset by its loss, but worried about how Anya would perceive my silence if she texted me. It couldn’t have come at a worse time—when she told me I had ruined her life. It was the ultimate worst case scenario—I didn’t have the chip that carried her number and would have to wait until she texted me again. Additionally, it was now too late to buy a new phone because the stores were closed—I’d have to wait until the next morning then wait for her to text me.
When the next morning arrived, I flagged down a taxi to get me to the nearest cell phone store in 117-degree heat. The only silver lining was that I needed a new phone and could now get a Blackberry—the phone Anya wanted me to have. My only fear was how she would believe I was upset with her and that’s why I didn’t respond to any of her texts—not because I lost my phone. Our conversation couldn’t have ended on a more horrific note and it worried me that she might be worried about me. Yes, we fought and I deserved most of the hell she gave me that day, but she cared. There was no question she cared about me and us.
When I set up my new Blackberry phone, I contemplated walking through MGM Grand to track her down but was afraid she might be with her daughter—I didn’t want to startle her if she thought I was upset enough to not give a damn about what her kids thought. It wasn’t until five that evening that she sent me a text.
ANYA: “I wished and hoped I’d run into u at the pool today. Just got back. Please tell me ur ok and I’ll leave you alone.”
My fingers couldn’t keep up with all my thoughts telling her all that happened.
ME: “Honey I’m fine. I laid my phone down yesterday after we talked and someone took it. I just got a new Blackberry phone today. I’m glad u texted me because I don’t know ur number. I knew u would worry because u worry about me and that worried me. This is the only message from you I’m aware of. I hope ur ok.”
ANYA: “I sent u messages yesterday. It’s ok. I’m glad ur ok. Thank you.”
ME: “I lost my phone at around 5 last night. I just picked up this phone an hour ago. Did u come to the Mandalay Bay?”
ANYA: “Yes”
ME: “I wish I had known. I didn’t know how to get a hold of u to let u know I was ok because I was really worried about you worrying. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you came here. Thank you.”
ANYA: “Just glad ur alright. I was worried sick.”
What she told me made me feel a lot worse than the time she told me her sister in law was staying with her—she came to the Mandalay Bay looking for me. This was the love I fought for and why it stung so badly not to have her—women don’t do this kind of things for a man. Sure, they may come looking for them to see if they were being cheated on, but they don’t come looking for a man who ripped their world to shreds the way I did on this trip—her trip. After our spat, I thought she didn’t want to see me at all and she came looking for the guy who intended to make her feel bad. In the end, I felt I had cheated on her.
ME: “Believe me, I was really worried about u being worried. If there was a way to let u know what happened, I would have but I knew u were with people.”
ANYA: “I know. U leaving tomorrow? R u still here?”
ME: “Yes, I’m still here. I may stay an extra day but it depends on how well I’m doing. Otherwise, I plan on leaving tom.”
ANYA: “What r u doing for ur last nite? Have you gambled some more?”
ME: “I was just planning to hit the tables—I’ve been losing my shirt at the slots! It’s all for fun though.”
ANYA: “Oh good luck! Katie and I are going to see “Love” (Beatles tribute) at the Mirage at 9:30 for our last nite here.”
After receiving her text, I figured there would be no chance to see her—I blew it by losing my phone. Really the trip couldn’t have gone any worse for me at this point, but being able to reconnect with her saved the trip for me even though I never got the chance to see her. I thought about getting tickets to the show, but I figured it was sold out and I feared making Anya feel uncomfortable around Katie. I thought about seeing “Nights in Rodanthe” in the same theater with her and I remembered how elated I was, especially when she handed me the heart note. At this point, we both deserved to sit next to each other, and not merely share the same theater. The funny thing was, if I had known about her plans sooner, I wouldn’t have minded sharing the same theater again—to be reunited with my life.
ME: “Thank you for ur texts and for coming by. I know I’m not deserving of your kindness but it was very sweet. Thank you. Have a great time!”
ANYA: “Where r u gambling tonite?”
ME: “I think I’m just going to hang here at the Mandalay Bay.”
That evening, I got dressed and grabbed dinner at Nobu at the Hard Rock Café. I then took a taxi back to the Mandalay Bay and proceeded to lose another five hundred dollars at the slot machine. After a few drinks, I got over my loss and texted Anya.
ME: “I hope ur enjoying the show. Heading to the Luxor to gamble some more.”
ANYA: “Just leaving show. It was great.”
ME: “Sounded like a great show. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
ANYA: “Have a good time whatever u decide to do. Later.”
The tone of her text was unanyalike, very unanyalike—but I didn’t think too much of it. Afterall, she was with her daughter and dance moms. If I had any chance to see her at all it would’ve been earlier down at the pool area. I just felt so guilty about ruining her day worrying about me. She may have had other plans that day and my emotions pulled her in another direction. I just had no right showing up in Vegas hoping to see her if I was going to criticize her at all if she didn’t want to see me because she was with Katie. She told me the score and I took a chance coming out here—this was all on me. After another two hours at the Blackjack table and now down two thousand for the trip, I knew I had no right being here—I unfairly disrupted her trip and time with Katie and paid for it. I then drunk texted her at about midnight.
ME: “I’m just getting creamed at the tables! Wish I knew u were here today. Bummed. Goodnight.”
The only reason I told Anya I was “gambling” so that she wouldn’t feel guilty if she didn’t want to see me. The sole purpose of the trip was for a chance to see or hopefully hangout with her. I bet I would’ve had much better luck with her by my side at the slot machine than I did alone. Being in Vegas without her by my side, knowing she was so close, just broke my heart even further. I thought being close to her would help me not go crazy and get me from spending more time trapped in my bed, but there wasn’t much difference. Life surrounded me but I had never felt more lifeless.
I never heard from her the following day. The drive home from Vegas was long and hard enough, but that particular drive home seemed like days, and not hours. The entire ride home I couldn’t get her off my mind—her silence confirming going to Vegas did no good for our relationship—if it even existed at this point. When I got home, I checked my finances for the week, and then went to bed. When I woke the next morning, I texted her to see how she was doing.
ME: “Hi. When did you get home?”
Two hours passed before she responded.
ANYA: “Yesterday”
No period at the end of her sentence had me worried.
ANYA: “Glad u made it home ok”
No period at the end of this one as well—she hid her emotions from me.
ME: “I was worried about u. I’m glad u made it home ok too.”
Fearing I would likely hear from her for the rest of the day, I tried to continue or textversation.
ME: “When I lost my phone, did you tell me you were coming to the Mandalay Bay? I have no idea what you texted me. When you get a chance can you please let me know in a nutshell what you said in those texts? I’m clueless.”
To be honest, I didn’t understand why she hadn’t text me at all yesterday—it was very unlike her. I then began to worry that she told me something in those texts I never received because I had lost my phone. Was she now not talking to me? Was she still upset? I needed to know so I could quiet my mind.
ANYA: “I don’t remember but yes I responded to you. Yes I told u what I was going to do that nite and that I was going to MB the next day. It doesn’t matter.”
ME: “You came to the Mandalay Bay alone or with friends?”
ANYA: “My daughter”
When she told me she came with her daughter it left me in a state of shock—she brought Katie with her? I couldn’t believe it. When I saw she didn’t have a period at the end, I felt her emotions telling me this and why she was upset with me.
ME: “You came to the Mandalay Bay in the morning. What did you do the night before? Did you come to the MB the night before too?”
ANYA: “It doesn’t matter.”
ME: “Please, babe. I worried you sick and it matters to me. I’d like to know.”
ANYA: “I don’t remember. After what was said to each other there’s nothing more to say.”
ME: “Regardless what we said to each other, you still came by to see me b/c u were worried sick. I know I screwed up and it was entirely my fault—I overreacted and I’m to blame for it all. I had no business giving you a hard time. I just want to know how you’re feeling and then I’ll leave you alone.”
ANYA: “I really wanted to c u or talk to u Friday nite and u knew it and blew me off. I’m good with it now. Hope u had fun.”
When she admonished me for “blowing her off”, I almost cried through a smile. It’s not that I felt good about how she felt, but it was the first time, in a long time, her love for me shone through. Unlike her husband who she was afraid to nag, she could nag me all she wanted—I wanted to know when I disappointed her so I could make sure it didn’t happen again. This was a moment of growth for our relationship—she had proven me wrong about her love. I only used gambling so she wouldn’t feel guilty about not being able to see me. I wanted to hug her so tightly and never let her go—take care of her sweet heart of hers, the last thing I ever wanted to hurt. I had been waiting for a moment like this—a time I could never doubt her love. This was it and it was as unquestionable as it was undeniable. She couldn’t have been more wrong about anything in her life.
ME: “There is nothing in this world I would rather do than hang with you. Gambling over seeing and talking to you? You’re kidding, right? I thought I had missed my opportunity to see you after you came to the Mandalay Bay. I seriously had no clue you wanted to see me because you went to see a show with Katie. I would never blow you off. I’m crazy, but not that crazy. That was the whole reason for me driving out there, not to gamble.”
ME: “I went to Vegas for just a chance to talk to you. Not a guarantee—just a chance. The first day I was there I took a taxi to the Paris hotel just to spot a place under the Eiffel Tower so we could talk. I was going to ask you to meet you there but I lost my phone.”
ME: “I thought maybe you were tired—the first night there you went to bed early and you were with Katie and other people. I didn’t know you wanted to see me on Friday nite. That would’ve made the whole trip worthwhile. If I had known you were there that morning, I would’ve been at the pool area the first thing that morning but I drank too much the night before and had to go get a new phone that morning.”
ME: “I’m glad you told me off because I felt your love for me right there. That’s unquestionable. Finally, you get mad at me. I respect your feelings but I did not know. I knew you wanted to see me earlier in the day but thought I missed my chance. I would’ve met you anywhere, anyplace and at any time. You should know me by now. I would’ve even gone to see “Love” with you if I had known earlier just to be near you. I only told you I was “gambling” so you wouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to see me. I had already made you feel bad enough and I was wrong for doing so.”
ANYA: “I asked u what u were doing and where u’d be and u told me u were going to hang out at MB and gamble. U said have fun and we stopped talking.”
ANYA: “Next thing I knew u were on ur way to the Luxor. I was bummed cuz I was hoping to see u after the show as I felt it was the last chance.”
Whenever Anya told me “You broke my heart”, I always shook my head wondering why couldn’t she see that she was breaking mine? Now, I saw how I broke her heart.
ME: “You break my heart. I had no idea.”
ANYA: “Thinking back I guess it wasn’t the best idea anyway cuz I can’t see u. We’re not together and I pay for it for weeks after I see u cuz it’s too hard on u.”
I guess she couldn’t resist a jab, but I couldn’t blame her for it—I deserved it. She was right, she couldn’t win no matter what she did. She then threw another one at me for good measure.
ANYA: “Like I said, I’m good with it.”
ME: “Well, I’m not good with it. I wanted to see you. It was the only reason I went there.”
ANYA: “Have to go. At the OCPAC w/Katie. Shows about to start.”
She hit with one more zinger before she left—she was near my apartment.
ME: “Well just so you know, Silly—the Luxor is connected to MB so it wasn’t like I was taking a taxi to another casino miles away. I was going to text you about the mall in between Luxor and MB but I didn’t want to bother u at the show.”
ME: “And for the record I didn’t have fun. I would’ve had fun if you were with me—that’s the truth. You were on my mind the entire time.”
ME: “Ur right about having to pay the price later. I was just hoping to talk but I am in love with you so I guess I would’ve wanted more too. I’m going to the therapist tomorrow. I’m really trying to change, not my feelings for you, but how I feel about me and the way I see things. I need to change and I will. I will make u proud of me again.”
About three hours later, Anya responded.
ANYA: “Ok. Just leaving show. Good luck tomorrow.”
The entire trip had been a nightmare scenario for me—one meant to bring us closer but only bringing us further apart. I then took a Vicodin and went into an explanation for my behavior, hoping she could understand better why her Landyn broke down yet again.
ME: “I must tell u I was very surprised you were bummed out when you didn’t see me on Friday nite. I’m still in a state of shock.”
ME: “First off, the trip was a nightmare for me. Started off great and then I hurt you and it all went downhill from there. I lost my phone, lost my a** at the tables but the only thing I felt I really lost was the chance to see you. That alone made it a bad trip.”
ME: “Not withstanding the things I said to u on Thursday, this is a perfect example of my low self esteem hurting you, me and us.”
ME: “I only got upset because I felt you didn’t want to see me at all. I told u how I wished u were here with me and u never responded to that. Not like u had to but I guess I wanted to hear that. Then u told me u were good b/c u were happy to be away from home and I guess I wanted to hear u were happy b/c I was there. Then that started my diatribe on ur love for me and everything else.”
ME: “In regard to the things I said about not telling me about ur mom, Carolyn and other friends of urs being cheated on and staying for the kids when we met, I just wanted u to know I agree with u. It would’ve not stopped me from being w/u but I guess I feel if I knew about those things I would’ve expected u to stay therefore I feel I wouldn’t be upset about it. That’s all. U didn’t tell me b/c u didn’t want to discourage me b/c u do love me. I get it.”
ME: “When u said u were still wary it hurt b/c I could’ve easily gotten a room at the MGM Grand. If I didn’t care I could’ve gone downstairs and talked to u regardless who was around. The fact of the matter is this—I love you. I’m not going to jeopardize your kids finding out about us and hating u for it. I don’t want to give him that power over u. More than anything I want ur trust. I know I made “threats” but I just really didn’t understand what was going on. I basically didn’t realize I was still ur hope until u told me on this trip when u thanked me for “ruining” ur life. That hit me very hard.”
ME: “In ur defense, I wanted to hide from u the fact that I wanted to see u and that’s why I was there. I didn’t want u to know that so u didn’t feel obligated or bad yet I still ended up making u feel that way—I ended up hurting myself in the end. Again, I wanted to get together with u in person and not over the phone. After all we’ve been through together, I thought it was possible. Not to start another argument but to talk and help ease your mind about things I’ve said. My low self-esteem issues prevented that from happening.”
ME: “I must admit it was nice to hear that u were “bummed” u didn’t get to see me and that u were mad that I blew u off. I’ve never sensed any anger or disappointment in u whenever there was a chance to see me in over a year and a half. It was always like “well, if u can’t make it, I’d understand”. My low self esteem would tell me “She could care less if she saw u”. It was just nice to know that u do care, a lot.”
ME: “That was love to me b/c that was a real emotion I could trust in. I just encourage u to be that way with me—true to ur feelings with me. U once told me that he used to flirt with girls in front of u (hard to believe someone could be that arrogant), but you’d never say anything b/c u didn’t want to be a “nagging” girlfriend. I’m different—u could never nag me b/c ur the one I want to be with. Nobody else has mattered to me since November 30, 2007. To me, it doesn’t matter if we’re together or not. I just really appreciated that kind of honesty and I would never take it for granted.”
ME: “My low self-esteem babe would’ve never allowed me to see that u wanted to see me on Friday nite. I just thought u wanted to make sure I was alright—meaning I didn’t do anything stupid. I was absolutely clueless. When you said “later”, something seemed off with that goodbye to me but I chalked it up to u still being upset with me about the things I said—not that you wanted to see me and was disappointed. Now, if I had better self-esteem, then I would’ve asked what u were going to do—which I should have in hindsight. I feared hearing “going to bed” from u. Since I thought that’s what I would hear I left it alone to avoid being hurt and getting upset again.”
ME: “I have monster self-esteem issues. The fact u came to the Mandalay Bay was shocking to me. I could not believe u did that, let alone told me u wished and hoped u would run into me with ur daughter there too. I thought I would’ve had to go to the MGM Grand to see u. All I did on that trip was gaze at that casino and think to myself “she is in there somewhere. She’s right there.” I learned a lot on this trip about u and the way u feel about me, I needed that. I had though u had given up hope and I was wrong.”
ME: “Before u give up on me and us, just let me see if this therapy can work—I believe it can. I believe u think it can too. I think I can build my self-esteem up where the things that hurt us won’t hurt anymore. I just can’t let the things I can’t control bother me. I need to work on me and I really believe u will see a change in me so that “maybe one day” will happen for us.”
ME: “There are things I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize u still believed and I’m not asking u to get back together with me—I can’t blame u for not wanting to be with me but I’m begging u not to stop believing in us. You’re my hope too. I don’t want to lose you. That’s why I’m doing this.”
Wrapping this up at two in the morning, with only four hours to go before the workday began, I turned off my phone and hoped for the best.