“I spend so much time.

Believing all the lies,

To keep the dream alive.

Now it makes me sad.

It makes me mad at truth

For loving what was you.”

“Eyes Without A Face” ~ Billy Idol

Dearest Anya,

I would ‘ve written you sooner but I have quite a bit to say in light of the picture of you and Jackson on your Facebook profile, so if all I have is one shot, I wanted to make sure I get it all out. I’ve written quite a bit in my life, but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’m sure these letters are just as hard for you to read as they are for me to write, so I’m sensitive to that. This will be the last letter you will ever receive from me unless you determine differently.

It’s been over a year now since we last spoke, and well over a year since the last time we saw each other. I must admit I’m having a harder time with it being fall and with the holidays coming up because I remember how happy I used to feel this time of year when you were in my life—the only time I’ve never felt sad and alone during the holidays. Rainy days are a killer on the heart because it’s impossible not to think about you; everyday still a struggle even over a year later, but that’s just par for the course with this heart of mine. Some days are good, just because I don’t feel as paralyzed from the missing but they are far and few in between. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve been able to clear your head quite a bit during this time, but I had to go through some changes in my life in order to clear my head enough so I’d be able to articulate how I feel and felt without sounding irrational and illogical to you. I’d like you to know I stopped taking Zoloft and stopped talking to a therapist about 8 months ago. The Zoloft was not making me care too much, even about really important things in my life, like finding a new job and working out. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that as you read this.

There are never-ending echoes of some of the things you’ve ever said or texted me that find their way into my head everyday, so this is why I want you to know the details of what I’m going to share with you. I want you to know this first though: EVERYTHING professionally worked out for me. My professional life is pretty much an 8 right now and climbing, and it has NEVER been that way for me. I’m even taking a shot at starting my own practice now. I promised myself after I lost my job that I’ll never be dependent on anyone for a paycheck again, and learned my true value will never be fully realized sitting behind a desk working for someone else, never taking advantage of what I feel are my most valuable attributes. I’m looking to build the tax side of my practice early next year and go from there. Years ago. I passed my CPA exam on the toughest pathway so I can practice in any state and since I have Attest experience I can sign audit reports, which really raises the potential for more opportunities than other CPA’s have. I’m only telling you this stuff so you know that things are looking up for me, but the truth is this; I simply lost my last job because I lost my focus due to our relationship. I gave this career 10 years of my life, including years of study, not only to build a good reputation in the business community but to also establish a solid network for my future in the profession. I’m not blaming you for me losing my job, that’s not what I’m implying or saying, I blame my heart, but I wanted you to know why I became insensitive and acted out of character. Unfortunately, we had a disagreement one day and I broke down in my office, I tried to go outside to hide, but I couldn’t get away in time and someone saw it. Word then got around the office that “something is wrong with Landyn”. I lied, told everyone it was my Mom, but I then confided in ONE very trusted co-worker as to what I was going through. My job was completely mental and I really needed to get it off my chest. If I didn’t, I would’ve never gotten through all my work that day. Since my confidant and I were both up for a promotion to Partner at the end of the year, he took our extremely private conversation as an opportunity to pull ahead of me for partner consideration, and decided to share this information with the 3 equity partners of the firm. For the most part of my final months there, and without me even knowing but suspecting something was different, everyone at the firm, from the admin staff all the way up to the partners knew not only was I seeing a married woman, but also one who co-owned a business in Irvine with her husband-- Jackson Caiaphas, our firm’s largest client. Since they a growing and very conservative large local CPA firm in Orange County, they decided it best to let me go. Without knowing the story but finding it easier to pass judgment on me instead, they decided to do everything in their power to get me to quit (a question of my integrity). When that didn’t work after working my butt off (taking on the worst assignments, plus working weekends and even fifteen-hour days) to meet their ridiculous deadlines and budgets, they decided to blame the economy initially. After telling them there was something more to this, they came clean about the true reason for my firing. Our relationship made them think I was a dishonest guy, and therefore make a questionable business partner. Two of the three equity partners came from divorced families and decided not to judge me by the merit of the work I did for them over the years, but to generalize my situation without considering the person I am. I went from being revered by these partners to being ostracized. To say I wasn’t irritated by their judgment of me would be an understatement considering how hard I’ve worked for them. It just felt like the whole world was crashing down on me, and no one cared. I didn’t lose my job for the time I took off so we could see each other, that was never an issue, but during our problems, I was only sleeping 2 –3 hours every single night if I was lucky. I was super fatigued and under a great deal of pressure and stress so I just wasn’t myself with the way I’d handle our disagreements. I was seriously at the point in our relationship that if I lost you, I would’ve without a doubt, been fired because of the depression that most certainly would have followed; I would have then lost ALL focus. This is why I would get upset when you would let me go and why I held on. I’ve worked hard on all my jobs, not just this one, and my previous work history was stellar. But, being fired from this job would’ve simply ruined my future in the profession, and even more importantly, our future. Unfortunately, what I do for a living is purely mental, and there was no refuge unless I was on vacation. I was dealing with complex issues and analyses everyday, and also having to interact face-to-face with clients, partners, managers, investment bankers and bank reps non-stop. There was no escape for me. I tried to hide this from you. I didn’t want you to know what I was going through because I felt you’d feel bad or responsible. It was not your burden; it was mine to get a handle on, and I thought I could handle it. I wanted you to be with me only because you were in love with me, so I never mentioned it until my “cut up, can’t move” texts. I was beyond desperate and stressed out after being fired, something I tried to hide from you, but I had an extremely hard time being sensitive to your situation and feelings, getting very upset with you, leading me to question and read into every little thing. I just knew if I at the very least received some sort of promise, I’d be able to get through it simply by getting some much needed real sleep to regain my focus, and be mentally alert the next day. As unfair as this probably is to write or feel, you were the only one who could save me. Not that I wasn’t doing well professionally before I met you, but with you in my life I simply flourished, and it set me apart from the rest of the pack. Having you in my life made me love my job because I loved my life. I always knew if my heart was filled with happiness, success would easily follow. I was truly happy in this life because of you. You were truly my everything, and you inspired me to succeed, excelling at work because of how you made me feel about myself. You gave me validation in this life and a confidence I never had, but I feel that is a natural feeling to have when you truly are in love with someone and inspired to be with them. So, whenever you showed ambivalence or threatened to let me go, it was like handing me a death sentence at that point because of all the life you brought me. I know I shouldn’t depend on you for my happiness, but I think that’s a huge part of what love is all about. I’m sure you can attest to that, carrying around empty feelings for so long. The only reason I did finally break down to go see a therapist and get on Zoloft was in an effort to regain my focus, save my job, my career and to us—to hopefully get back to where we both were happy again to have each other. I used my low self-esteem as the main excuse because I didn’t want you to know I was losing focus on my job. I was upset about feeling the need to take an anti-depressant, but if it could save us and my job, it was worth it. That’s why I reacted the way I did in SF with what you told me at dinner, but I just took it wrong. I overreacted because what I was going through with work and it compounded my frustration. You told me several times you feel responsible for this, and that’s not why I shared this with you. For love, I’m willing to lose. I can honestly tell you that losing my job will eventually turn out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me professionally. I work for a large private recognized company and have already done things in their accounting and finance department that have never been done in its history. I work with fun, down to earth, great people who appreciate the work I do for them. I make more money and I don’t have to travel. I have a chance to leave my stamp on the company every day, and it’s been very rewarding. In fact, it’s been a godsend. So, I can say this, if I never fell in love with you, I would’ve never been happy professionally because I never would’ve taken a chance on realizing my true potential or value. Now, the sky is truly the limit. I really counted on that job to take care of you, especially with the significant salary jump I’d had gotten with the promotion, and to help you out as much as I could if you left. I just figured it would be extra money for you on top of everything else so that’s why I never felt money would be an issue with us, and you wouldn’t have to work part-time or even be on a budget. Without my job, I no longer had a realistic chance of being with you, and I was afraid you’d judge me for that. We talked about how “money” and the ability to generate income were important to men. Money is really no big deal to me, but I know it’s important to you, as it should be with kids, so it was important to me. If I lost my job and then you, my life wouldn’t have any real meaning anymore. It just put me in a bad spot and I wasn’t the Landyn you met or even the one I knew.

As you can probably tell, I’m having a hard time letting go. I don’t think you ever understood why I questioned your love for me and why I acted irrationally (why I formed my own conclusions and truths). It’s also harder for me because of the way things went down and the paralysis I feel even a year later. In my defense, I just really trusted that you were not happy there at all because of the betrayal (not even happy when your kids are happy), and you wouldn’t pursue something with me that would be looked upon as “breaking up a family” or “immoral” (You used to call me your hero and your hope), especially considering I left you one time before (there was a 5 month gap before we reconnected so I didn’t feel we jumped into anything), and after you shared the lives of your kids with me. I know you never misled me about not knowing and you were COMPLETELY fair with how you communicated that to me. You always had important conversations with me in person, which was very thoughtful and respectful, but as time passed, it began to feel you misrepresented how you truly felt about love in general, and your belief in our love. As a result, I naturally started to question your feelings for me. I was upset to learn after falling hard for you that the reason you’re there was not because you were afraid no one would want to be with you because you had two kids, or that you felt you might get cheated on again, but rather because you were afraid to be held responsible for breaking up a family. That if I fell in love, and wanted to be with the one I love, that I’d also be promoting you to hurt your kids. By telling me about the infidelities, I fell very deeply because I fully trusted that our love was about me versus a distrustful marriage to a deceitful husband and never be looked upon as me versus your kids. It’s why I felt a bit betrayed and lost trust. I then further drew from what two other women did to me in the past because it started to feel similar (just because they were not averse to the affection but averse in making a commitment to me). In all fairness, you also drew from what you learned from men in the past as well because I felt you would test me quite a bit (“hard to believe you’re for real.”) but it never affected me because I knew I was for real. I think I was naturally perceived as being like every other man you’ve ever met who’s okay with affection yet averse to commitment. I was honest about who I was the very first night I met you, and even though you met me at a bar, I don’t go to bars for the same reason most men are there for but began feeling lumped into the same group. Anybody can share a physical connection with someone, but I prefer an emotional connection as well—something you’re not used to. I think it’s fair to say we both punished each other because of our past experiences. You might laugh at this, but I KNOW I’m one of the most understanding men you’ll ever meet, but Anya, what you withheld from me prevented me from being as understanding as I promised you I would be. When I told you, I would be a “big boy”, it was based on all you had told me up to that point. I had no idea if you fell in love with me that you would pit me and our love, a love you called “special” and “out of this world”, against your kids. That upset me about because it felt like you judged me, but if you were in love with me, there should be no judgment.

I know you told me from the start you couldn’t promise me anything and that you were married, I understand that. But the words “I love you” had to mean something because those words meant everything to me. They just had to stand for something to me, and pitting me against the kids, made me feel those words had less meaning. How could one ever pit their children against someone they love? The only way someone could do that was if there was something they didn’t love about them. I don’t want you to think I didn’t understand, I do, but you have to understand that unbending point of view is going to upset anyone you claim to love. If it was ever going to be a decision between them or me instead of them and me, I’d rather you have not tried—a battle I’d never want to win in the first place. I’d never want your kids to hate you, but unfortunately that wasn’t what was communicated to me when we met and when we decided to give this a try. As much as it hurts, I have to tell myself the reason you withheld so much from me was because you wanted to feel happiness again. So, I can understand why you didn’t tell me this stuff until after, but I really wish you had so I could’ve acted like the “big boy” I promised you to be. You didn’t really give me a fair shake there. That’s why I always asked for brutal honesty even if it hurts me. By telling you this, I only wanted you to know why I wasn’t the big boy I promised you to be.

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

I’ve never read a Jane Austen novel, and never knew what “Bridges in Madison County” was about until I met you. I’m a very picky guy, and the reason I am so picky is not because I think I’m the greatest thing that’s ever walked the earth, but because I know what it means to love someone--what it means to commit for a lifetime. I don’t approach women not because I lack confidence, but because I fear they truly don’t understand what it means to be in love with someone. From all I’ve seen and learned, it seems that it’s all about what someone can take and not about what someone can give anymore. It seems women only see what they can touch and are more than willing to sacrifice self-respect (why they go for the jerks) in order to have things and be part of a social circle even if it’s full of fake people. I know not all women are like this, and I know the men out there aren’t much better and inspire their behavior. But the women that came into my life before meeting you have been that way, so I’ve stayed an arms distance away. The night I met you I was ecstatic—finally, a woman who got it. A woman who actually learned what I always believed to be true. Who understood it wasn’t money or things that brought happiness but how someone makes you feel inside about yourself that does. I really believed in your love and us. I trusted in your pain and that you knew the pain of non-monogamy and disloyalty—that you respected the mental anguish of having your heart broken. That it was something you never wanted to go through again. Giving you a chance was not done out of pity but out of compassion and out of trust for all the things you told me. It was done out of love and I’ve loved you since the day I met you. Unexpectedly, one day I woke up with deeper feelings; the pain increased, and so did the feelings of fear. You then became a need, and I needed to know if you were for real. I only wanted to be with you. If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t have cared. I never wanted to be with anyone else nor was there anyone else. I just wanted something to be real for once in my life, and if you truly loved me, I felt it should be you.

I would also like to explain the other reason I changed and acted the way I did. Besides my feelings growing stronger, what also changed me over time was that you still didn’t know. Since you never knew, I feared there was a chance you also didn’t know if you were in love with me. I then started to get the feeling you didn’t need me, but only my love (emotional support). That you were only in love with the feeling of being in love again, and not truly in love with me. My heart refused to believe this because of the way you loved me, but when I started to have trouble focusing at work, my mind forced me to consider the possibility. Then, just like you would ask yourself about me, I started to ask myself if you were for real. I know I don’t need to state this, but you’re as beautiful as they come (it didn’t matter if you had clothes or make-up on or not). Since the day I met you, a jealous sunset is an everyday event. Unfortunately, because I’ve never had any real positive reinforcement, I’ve never been able to build the self-esteem to ignore the cold hard fact—if you were single, you would have a much larger pool of available men to choose from, and deservingly so. This then led me to consider the reality of the situation—I was just one man in a very limited group of available men who would consider pursuing a loving (as opposed to lustful) relationship with you due to your situation. I offered you something unique, something only a woman in a long intimacy less marriage would appreciate; romance. Never being married, I was ignorant to a roommate situation in a marriage with kids due to a lack of privacy (I only considered the betrayal), and how that also changes a relationship. I then began to feel I was only “handsome”, and “amazing” to you only because you still had the things your marriage provided you and the kids with, and because your love for me remained a secret (I let you have the best of both worlds). There seemed to be nothing special about me other than that fact. I then started to lose faith in believing a beautiful woman and person, who really can get any guy she wants, would ever want to be with me if other options were available to her. I’m not saying you were looking, I’m just saying I so happened to be there to offer you something different. It then started to seem, as more time passed and since you still didn’t know, that you were only unhappy in your marriage because you feel it’s inequitable (your assumed roles versus his) and not because of the betrayal at all as evidenced by you still sleeping with him (which surprised me, but I was in too deep when I learned this). It then began to seem the betrayal only made you angry during those days when the assumed roles were blatantly one sided, and you were under a lot of stress because of it (when you’re always behind and unable to catch up because you’re running the kids around). That you loved me as much as you did only because you could with no kids around (a unique gift I gave you); that the lack of intimacy in your marriage wasn’t because of the betrayal, but because of a loss of privacy. As the days mounted, and you still weren’t any closer to knowing, these were things I began to consider, prompting me to form my own conclusions in your eyes. Acknowledging this apparent truth, would only upset me, leading me to react in kind. Of course, I was going to believe you were in love with me because that’s what my heart wanted to believe. Even when it felt like I questioned it, I still truly believed you did because I believe in love. There was just no way someone could be that affectionate towards me, care so much about how I’m doing everyday and not be in love with me.

I always blamed myself after every disagreement we had, as evidenced by the apology letter I sent you. However, upon seeing the picture you posted, I now feel there’s a difference between loving someone and being “in love” with someone. I know you felt I wanted you now, but that’s not true. I could’ve been more patient, but I just needed you to show me something by looking at things more positively, even if it was years down the road. It would’ve comforted me to know your hopes, wishes and dreams were for real, and I could trust in them. And most importantly, that what we shared was truly special to you. At least by attempting to know, if I had to wait or even if it happened or not, you throw the ball in my court. Then if I acted the way I did, it would be easy to understand how you could feel I ruined your life and broke your heart. I understand how I broke your heart with the way I acted, but I don’t understand how I could be accused of having ruined your life or your hope without any kind of promise. I felt if you could stay even when the kids are gone, and you could even stomach me being in love with someone else, something just didn’t feel right about that when the very thought of you being in love with someone else makes me want to die. One day I’d hear I was your wish, hope and dream and then the next day I’d hear you don’t want to give me false hope. I felt that kind of view towards us wasn’t consistent with being “in love” with me. So, I became lost about what you wanted, even feeling like my heart was played with. I’m not accusing you of having played with my heart, I’m just saying it felt that way. When you add the stress and fatigue I was under, it just compounded the feeling. I hope this makes sense to you. The bottom line is I understand the way I acted was wrong, and know you’re still upset with me about it. I know in that sense I shattered your heart, and I’m sorry.

If there is one thing, I wish you had done, I wish you had drilled into this head of mine that if he knew you were in love with me that he would threaten to tell the kids—everyday if you had to. You told me he wasn’t a “monster” and he knows this is “his fault” so I couldn’t imagine he’d even consider that after all the wrong he’s done. I’ll tell you this much, if my wife cheated on me and led me to actions that left me to feel I betrayed my kids for wanting to be happy, and she threatened to tell the kids about what I did, she’d be history—that would be worse than the infidelity itself. Since he got into my Face book account, I felt it was the same thing as contacting me—he just did it in an indirect way. I’ve got to know you for 2 years—you’re a good person. Again, my birthday was all I needed to know about the warmth of your heart. I find comfort in the fact that this was no competition, but if he’s going to hurt you or try to provoke me, I hope he knows I’m not going to stand for that.

You told me one night that “I’m alone tonight” and “I don’t do too well with silence sometimes”. Please understand that was my life everyday. I believe that feeling can carry two forms; feeling alone and being alone. All I can say is it’s maddening to truly feel both especially when you’re deeply in love with someone and they’re deeply in love with you. Anya, you are surrounded by love everyday; family, neighbors, your kids and even Suki. Take those things away and I think you would understand how much you meant to me, and how it could drive you crazy. Sure, I have my parents and some good friends, but they aren’t around me everyday. No one wants to be alone or go back to loneliness especially after they meet someone like you or fall deeply in love. After all I’ve gone through with women in the past, I really needed this love to be real—to mean something. You didn’t have to leave to be with me right at that moment, but I really needed you to know someday; just someway so I could put my complete faith in it. I can listen to every song you’ve ever burned for me on the Ipod you gave me, but I can’t listen to them with you, so tell me how can it ever be real? This is such a catch-22 for me. With me in your life, always giving you the best of both worlds with the relationship strictly on your terms, you’d never have an incentive to know let alone leave. I was so vested though; I could never find the strength to let you go to find out. Plus, I didn’t want to lose my job, along with my promotion to partner—the money I needed to take care of you with. I know you tried to let me go but the problem with that was it didn’t feel like love to me—I would’ve lost my job and the ten years of hard work behind it. I hoped you’d see how much you needed me in your life, fearing if you could live without me for one day, then it could’ve never been love. True love could never stand to be away from one another for a single day let alone four hundred of them. When you said him knowing would end us, it confirmed my worst fears. I can’t point fingers because I have to blame my heart for this. I have to blame my belief in love. Even though I felt our love was inequitable, I still accepted it because I believed love would find a way, and was willing to go through the darkest hell to be with you in heaven one day. But when I started losing focus at work, which was unexpected, my feelings only grew deeper. I just didn’t feel I was asking for too much to be with someone I love, who was in love with me too one day. That’s just the way I felt about it.

I’m hoping this letter will help you understand a little better why I felt the way I did. You told me one time in a text the following about love;

“Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving.”

This was one my favorite texts from you, and I agree with you 100%. During the last year, I’ve been able to take a step back, and I’m hoping you can better understand where I was coming from. It’s not about being wrong or right—that’s not what this letter is about. It’s about wanting to be wrong more than anything, but the silence is deafening. For the last year I’ve been ridden with guilt about questioning your love for me to the point of paralysis, but the last thirteen months have made me realize how saying “I love you” and showing affection for someone is not what love is all about. You did that so well that it blinded my heart to the other component of love; knowing what it means. In adding to your definition, I believe love knows no shame, only pride. Love makes a stand and is courageous especially in the light of being betrayed by someone you don’t trust; therefore, I feel love would’ve said “F*ck you, Jackson” not “F*ck you, Landyn”. Love would’ve never allowed him to stop us from being together or seeing each other for even a single day. It simply would’ve told him to live with it or leave—everything isn’t anything when you’re in love with someone. Love shows comfort by catching the ones who fall; it doesn’t let them go. Love when found is never left to destiny or chance because love simply morphs into a need, leading to a promise to shout my name from the rooftops one day. In this day and age of the Internet, love would’ve found a way to slip up and keep in touch; someway, somehow. Lastly, I feel love would’ve known so it was possible to say hi to Katie and Andrew one day. Love makes knowing easy. By saying these things, I’m not saying you didn’t care about me--I know you did. I’m not even saying you didn’t love me because it felt like love to you. I’m just saying being in love has a deeper meaning. Hon, of course you were going to fall in love with me because it was love only on your terms. I would’ve fell in love with someone easily who let me have the best of both worlds too, but the truth may be that was the only thing that made me beautiful, special and amazing—the only thing that made it feel like true love to you. Please don’t ever question my love. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t die faster and miss you. You truly are special. I stand by every loving text I ever sent you, and I would stand up for you no matter the cost—you didn’t have to love me to have that. I just don’t think, at this point, you were truly “in love” with me, that’s all. I think you would have to know what it’s like to truly love someone with your heart and soul, with your everything, all you have, all you are and all you hope will be, without a single minute of any single day of that love being on your terms; without a single promise of a future together to understand what love truly is, to know the frustration I felt. If you knew anything about me, you knew I never wanted to hurt you, but you’re right, I would continue to do so; I would continue to question your love if you could never make me a promise. When I said you would know what “the truth means and means very soon”, it was meant more for me, not for you.

If this letter hurts you, I’m sorry. It’s not my intent to hurt you, and I spent months on this thing, writing and rewriting so it wouldn’t. It’s only purpose is to help you understand how I felt because I don’t think you realized this at all. Anya, the ashes are a nice thought, but I feel it’s done more out of an act of guilt rather than an act of love. I feel if I’m not worthy of being with you in this lifetime, I don’t think I’ll ever be worthy of that honor even in the afterlife. Please don’t confuse your kids—you don’t owe me anything, and I know you have a good heart. There’s a monster part of me that wants to be wrong about all I’ve written, so if I am, I need you to set me straight. But, if you’re working on your marriage, and that’s the message to me behind the profile picture you posted, I already have my answer. I gave you a unique gift, but you decided to look upon us being together as breaking up a family and hurting kids instead. I can’t trust in that being love, and that’s why we are where we are today. You never had to know at all, but if you stayed for any reason, it’s not right to be upset at me for questioning your love and forming my own truths and conclusions, especially if you would’ve done nothing to stop him from not allowing us to happen.

If I’m wrong, tell me so. I’m open-minded—I’m still in love with you. My love for you was real, but as long as you plan to never prove me wrong, then there’s only one thing I ask of you; to please let me go and to never look back by returning the necklace to me. If you felt our love betrayed your kids, I’d hate for you to keep a reminder of that, if that’s the way you felt about our love—especially if you’re working on your marriage and no longer have feelings for me. No hard feelings because I fault this heart of mine for believing in something people just don’t have the courage to believe in or trust anymore. I know you didn’t mean to intentionally hurt me because you just didn’t know what love means, and you had a poor teacher. I promise you will never hear from me again. Take care.

My address is below;

741 Buckinglane Way

Unit F

Newport Beach, CA 92603

Me