“If you believe in the power of magic
It’s all a fantasy.
So if you need to believe in someone.
Just pretend it’s me.
It ain’t enough that we meet as strangers
I can’t set you free.
So will you turn your back forever
On what you mean to me?”
~ “Don’t Answer Me” The Alan Parsons Project
I froze while my hand trembled and brain shivers hit me from out of nowhere. Upon reading her words, “don’t classify me with the general public”, it confirmed my greatest fear. She had no intentions to leave Jackson—it would put her in the same group that she wanted no part of—the general public. Apparently, Anya seemed to have always believed those who divorced their spouses were less than those who did. I would even go as far to believe she believed they didn’t have a right to leave under any and all circumstances, especially with kids involved. Anya was really Summer from “500 Days of Summer”—the true reason why it hit home with her. I then couldn’t help but recall certain scenes in the movie. When Summer told things to the guy that reminded Anya of me, Tom, that she never told anyone else before. Although I believed I wasn’t just anybody too, like Summer, Anya failed to see it. The way Summer wanted only the fun without any of the pressure, while I needed the consistency, like Tom—needing his paramour to tell him she is his girlfriend, just like I needed a promise. Anya wanted to remain friends—Summer wanted the same and couldn’t understand why it was so hard for Tom to be what she wanted him to be. After they found themselves on the same train bound for a wedding then unexpectedly reconnecting with Summer romantically—like Anya and I did in San Francisco, she invites Tom to a party at her house, without telling him it’s her engagement party. After their time together at the wedding, he believes she invited him for romantic reasons, instead, the same as our dinner in San Francisco, she shatters Tom’s heart instead. Even when he asks Summer why her past relationships failed to work out, she tells him “What always happens? Life.”. Summer believed love was as unrealistic as Anya believed it was. Even in the opening credits of the movie, Summer showed off an origami bird she made, while Anya became an origami bird artist over the last week. Sure, our story wasn’t the same, at least Tom knew what he was getting into from the beginning—Summer told him she didn’t want a boyfriend, but I never got to hear “Don’t classify me with the general public” until nearly two years after we met.
This was my confirmation, that just like Summer, this entire relationship was just fun and games to Anya—she never had intentions to ever become a part of the general public. Even if the reasons for getting a divorce were valid. I learned at this moment, in Anya’s eyes, even unfaithfulness and falling in love with another man, was not a good enough reason to divorce Jackson—being considered part of the general public was worse than divorce and she was special. There was no question, she used me to keep her marriage intact and to keep the façade in perfect order. She bought into Jackson’s lust for money, things and power, and Lance knew himself there was no changing her and that’s why he left—even being privy to all the information she kept me in the dark about. If Anya felt she sinned, she also just admitted she used me to fill a void in her marriage—for stress relief. As long as “love” remained on her terms and in her control to continue on as only a secret, it was love she believed she felt. Even when she told me things like no matter what she had no regrets, and she needed me like she needed air, it was all to give oxygen to the façade of her marriage, and Jackson’s political interests—building on their vital network they amassed during the course of their marriage. Like Katie had written in her essay that Anya found on her computer, her mother worked hard to protect the family name—something she worked hard at even when she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. The only way Anya could feel she betrayed her kids was if she considered our relationship one of lust, not of love. Or, she judged me for losing my job during the greatest recession in the history of the United States, in an effort to save our relationship. Now that she confirmed her true intentions, and what she always believed, I could feel no less than betrayed. My mind knew long ago what my heart never wanted to accept until now.
ME: “Money distorts everything.”
ME: “I’m sorry I took a shot at your wonderful husband. I know that upsets you. He’s such a good provider.”
ME: “Our love for each other makes you feel like you betrayed your kids? A love you told me no matter what happens you’d have no regrets? A love that you told me you needed like you needed air? A love you told me you’d rather die than never have me in your life? A love you asked me to fight for? Unbelievable. In a million years I will never understand that. That really hurt me. I’m sorry you feel that way. Tough to be a mom, I know. I understand that part.”
ME: “I’ll shut up. Sorry.”
As my mind absorbed my new reality, one that always existed, my heart tried to fight what little fight it had left inside. But I knew the truth now on Yom Kippur. If Anya was worried how I would react if she told me she still loved her husband, there is no way she would ever tell me that. She would always try to deceive me into believing she loved me and that I was her everything when I knew I wasn’t even in the same class. After reading her texts, confirming she believed she sinned, believing she betrayed her kids, and she despised being classified with the general public, I now had nothing to lose.
ME: “Yes, it’s possible to care for someone else again but every time I do, I end up getting my heart broken. It’s just not worth it.”
ME: “Coming to that realization is why I’m depressed, among other reasons. I’m in the same boat as you about having a chance at love again. Hope you can understand why.”
Twenty minutes later, Anya responded.
ANYA: “Unbelievable is right!!!”
ME: “Just stop.”
Unbelievable she would’ve ever allowed or encouraged me to fall so deeply in love with her for nothing, but for the sake of falling in love. Maybe it was fun for married couples who never got to feel love again like that after it faded, but not for single people like myself who believed they had a chance at something special—she stole my life from me and unbelievably, couldn’t have cared less. She didn’t drink because she missed us, she drank because she believed she betrayed her kids. She drank because she believed she sinned. She drank because she knew she betrayed me. All of her morning texts weren’t done out of love for me, but out of love for herself—so she could live with less guilt. Her words made me feel inferior, as if all the emotions and feelings I put into her were something to be mocked and laughed at. I should’ve known better to trust a marriage founded on capitalism would destroy me. Anya morphed into a living example of why I became so disgusted with society. She used political tactics to get what she needed from me and then tried to use them against me. The problem was, I hated politicians.
I didn’t know how to handle the situation from here—she paralyzed me. When I didn’t hear from her the following day, I knew it was time to make her aware of all she ever put me through. Each time we argued, I felt awful and always tried to see things from her angle, eventually siding with her in the end to give her the love I believed she deserved. While her politics led me to believe I made up my own stories and conclusions about her, the “Don’t classify me with the general public” rebuke told me all I needed to know about her true intentions—she fought every day to not be a part of the general public by staying put in her marriage. The only time she ever betrayed her kids was when she allowed them to go to bed at night blaming themselves for a bad marriage rather than freeing their minds from their burden of it. The worst part of all of what she told me was learning Anya never respected my heart, my feelings or emotions—men weren’t allowed to have them. I could’ve never believed she would ask me to fight for her and then pit me up against her children—a man she shared the details of their daily lives with. If she felt she betrayed her kids, in any way, she never defended me to Jackson. In fact, she conspired with him against me. If she felt she betrayed her kids, she would never vouch for me no matter what I did.
She allowed me to fall in love with her, shared the lives of her children with me, their successes, their failures, and then pit them against me—proof she never loved me and only told me she did so I wouldn’t become angry enough with her to reach out to them. As much as I would love Katie and Andrew to know me, even if Anya tried to murder me, that would never be an option—they were innocent parties in this. This was between Anya, me, and Jackson—and no one else.
When I woke up the next morning, marking the twenty-two-month mark of our relationship, I knew I couldn’t hold this inside anymore. I worked so hard to try to fight my emotions, but her devastating messages were too much to bear. When she decided to go incognito on me, as if I cheated on her four times, her reckless carelessness drove me to the point of no turning back. When it hit me, that after all I endured for her, that she thought I was more a disease than the cure, it was time to let her know where I truly stood. Now knowing her feelings for me only existed because it was a secret, I spent the entire day, the second straight I didn’t hear from her, writing all I felt. I then sent my true feelings to her the only way I was ever allowed to.
ME: “On Lance Palaces website, he writes about a “wonderful relationship” and then described its end as a “tragic” moment in the past year of his life. If he truly felt that way you could only imagine what I must be going through right now.”
ME: “You know, I woke up on Monday morning at 4:00 a.m. knowing for the first time in my life that it was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I then remembered last year when you told me about this day—telling me it made you feel weird. I then asked you why and you told me “Uh Day of Atonement” like I was Jewish and I knew what this day was even about. I couldn’t fall back to sleep thinking about the condescending tone in your text. Two years ago, I would’ve never known what this day was, let alone what it meant, but now it upsets me because I’m affected by it. It wouldn’t be a problem for me if I was Jewish, but I’m not, However, I’m reminded of it for only one reason—you only observe it because of him.”
ME: “There are a lot of things you don’t understand about how I’ve felt over the last 22 months because you never had to face the same things. I want you to know so you can understand where “20 questions, jabs, accusations, and threats” could come from.”
ME: “When I first met you, I asked you point blank and simply “If you’re not happy with your marriage, why don’t you get a divorce?” And you said “Nobody would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage.” Of course, later I would find out you could get “any man I want” but that’s not surprising. However, not once did I hear in the beginning, a time you claimed to be “honest” with me, that “I’m afraid it would hurt my kids.” Or “My kids trust me to never leave my husband.” Or “My kids would never give me permission to leave him.”
ME: “I gave you my trust from day one—all the trust in the world, without judgment, I gave to you. I believed you when you told me that no one wanted to be with you because you had kids. I trusted you to lead me in the right direction. I trusted you to tell me “I’m still there because I’m better than the general public”. You also then told me “I’m not happy because he made me work and he promised that I wouldn’t have to.”. I then replied “That’s not a reason to be unhappy in your marriage because that’s what a marriage is all about.”. Of course, chose to conveniently forget ever telling me this, but you did and it’s why you wanted to meet just to tell me “He cheated on me four times” because you know you failed to sell me on it the first time. All the while without telling me it didn’t matter how many times he’s cheated on you because you’re better than the general public.”
ME: “Of all the things you ever told me, telling me he cheated on you four times was the worst thing you could’ve ever told me because I’m simply not here if you never did. To make it even worse, you were still sharing the same bed with him and having sex as if he had never hurt you a day in your life. You even had the balls to tell me you don’t even kiss him or say “I love you” back to him when he says it to you. If that was true, why did you have to make a promise not to kiss him on New Year’s Eve? He seemed upset enough with you to make me believe kissing him never ceased otherwise why would he have been so alarmed?”
ME: “The thing that bothers me more than anything is that you assumed and trusted me to be a dishonest person along with you. To basically live the lie you choose to live every day, even using lies to reel me in then hang me out to dry with. Again, I trusted you that his philandering was a problem in your marriage and not that you were at “peace” with each other. I was misled—period. If you treated me like everyone else you seemed to respect, like a “Ya-Ya, or a neighbor, or a co-worker, then I wouldn’t be here right now but you chose not to because you thought you could get away with it.”
ME: “In the beginning you could have told me “yea but I’m willing to live with his infidelities”, but you didn’t until after you were assured, I had fallen deeply in love with you.”
ME: “As much as I was a willing participant, you fail to recognize you, probably out of the guilt you feel for betraying your kids, that you pursued me, not the other way around. And I was only a willing participant because I trusted all you told me about your husband and the way you felt about him was true. You approached me at Sonomas, not the other way around. My only fault was believing you wanted to really change things and opening my heart up to you. Just pointing out the facts here.”
ME: “One thing I’ve learned about you in two years is that you will say anything to anyone to get what you want from them—much like a politician does. You seem to think it’s best to tell people what you think they want to hear and not what they need to hear. It’s manipulative, self-serving, and I’m hurting right now because of it. I have little doubt you’ve picked this up from your husband.”
ME: “I want to make this perfectly clear—I’ve never hurt you the way you have hurt me. You have no right to accuse me of breaking your heart. You have broken your own heart at the same time you’ve broken mine.”
ME: “I have had to endure dinners with him and family, client dinners, Valentine day dinners, a trip to Spain, family trips, skiing trips, New Year’s Eve parties, Hanukah dinner parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas, social events, anniversary dinner parties, neighbor parties, birthday parties, girlfriend trips, girlfriend parties, you sleeping in the same bed naked with him, you walking around the house naked (yea right, you don’t care about the way you look), pool parties, labor day parties, independence day parties, bat mitzvahs, soccer games, baseball games, Kings games, Galaxy games, BBQ’s, etc. The list could go on and on. This relationship was never about me—this was about you.”
ME: “Then you would tell me “I hope you understand” or “It could never work out if you didn’t understand” or “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you with my plans coming up.” But you went ahead and made those plans anyway, didn’t you? Oh, that’s right, I had the choice to leave you, but by that time, it was the equivalent to pushing a disabled person out of their wheelchair and demand them to walk. And you wonder why I question your love?”
ME: “Trust me, if you were me, if you stood where I stood, you would also be making your own conclusions, jabbing me, accusing me and even “threatening” me too if you had to endure all of those things just to be told “have a nice life”. When you’re throwing and going to parties every weekend, it gave me the impression that you weren’t hurting or missing me as much as you told me you were. Because you preferred a secret relationship over the real thing, reading into things was my only way to try to make sense of the things you were doing. If you wonder why you got 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats, this was just one of the reasons why.”
ME: “You reeled me in with your actions and words then dumped me off with a ton of feelings and I’m not happy about it after enduring all I have. If I had known all this was going on in your life and I would rarely get to see the one I loved, I would’ve never pursued a relationship with you. Guess what? I would’ve stopped talking to you too—especially if it would make me pressure you and you’d only look upon us as betraying your kids. You told me you believed in our love and you believe you’ve sinned and betrayed your kids? You accused me of contradicting myself all the time, but this was the reason why I did—you completely mind fucked me. What did you really think of me the night we met? Was I some kind of joke to you and your friend that you really wanted this kind of relationship for me? You had all this knowledge about your life yet still allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with you?”
ME: “Understand this; You’re only “in love” with me because it’s a secret. I’m sorry, but you played a game with my heart by loving me the way you did while knowing you looked down upon those who’ve divorced—aka “the general public”. If I felt you were showing me you loved me by “letting me go”, I’d be the first to tell you so. All you did was put my heart on a string, tugged and pulled only when it best suited you.”
ME: “San Francisco was a perfect example of the way you’ve treated me. A beautiful time together. Perfection. Then you blasted me out of nowhere during dinner bringing me from a high high to a low low. I drove all the way up there, a man you knew was diagnosed as clinically depressed, so you could tell me that? As if twenty-two months meant nothing to you? You could have just told me the things you did at dinner, here via text. Did I need to go all the way up there to have my heart ripped out of my chest? You did that enough here with your daily inconsistencies. Then your husband decides to cyber stalk me on Facebook and suddenly after twenty-two months together you “don’t want to face anything anymore.”? Since you demand me to understand everything, can you at least understand why I questioned your love, even feeling betrayed by it? Sorry, but this wasn’t all about me, but certainly all about you. All you wanted was the fun and games but nothing else—it’s not right. You complain about me blasting you out of nowhere sometimes but you did that to me all the time with your inconsistencies—loving me one day then seemingly forgetting about me the next. There were many times you’d bring me up just to bring me down days later, even hours later like you did at dinner in San Francisco.”
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
ME: “Worst yet, I can’t even express my feelings without you getting upset at me. Instead of getting “Landyn, I can understand how you feel, but you’re misreading things” I’d get “I don’t want to answer that because it will only upset you.” So, let me get this straight—the things you don’t tell me, things that you know would hurt me, is also being honest with me? Is loving me? I rarely got any understanding from you other than to tell me to have a good life to even questioning my manhood after gaslighting me. Of course, I’m going to feel like a victim—love is an emotion yet you even tried denying me that by trying to pull the wool over my eyes like I was your kids. You even treated me like I didn’t even exist whenever I fought for you—treating me like the disease and the reason for your god awful marriage.”
ME: “I shared my entire being with you. I don’t allow that treatment from people who I share myself with—I’m not your sex predator husband. Sorry, but you’ve been entirely disrespectful to me by thinking I was just like him.”
ME: “Another reason you got 20 questions, jabs, accusations and threats is because you intimately shared the lives of your kids with me. You even invited me to Katie’s recital and told me I knew her more than any other man. You made me feel super special then hit me with “if I were to be with you, it would hurt my kids” after you encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with you. How does loving and being with a man who honors, respects and loves you betraying them? Why would you ever pit them against us knowing the truth? You think a mother’s mental state is well adjusted enough to stay in a marriage that inspired her to fall in love and pursue another man? How could you ever allow me to fall madly in love with you for even a day with zero real intentions of ever being with me? Why would you ever pit them against me? Because I’m upset with you for staying in a marriage that’s only inspired you to pursue another man twice already?”
ME: “I appreciate that you shared their lives with me but not if you felt it would hurt them if we were together or that loving me was betraying them. You told me Lance left you because you had kids—I had no idea I’d be judged for not having any of my own—like I was never worthy enough to even meet them one day. You basically used them as weapons against me. I never lied to you about what I stood for—you and kids were a great package deal in my eyes and I meant it. Sharing your kids with me made me fall deeper in love with you; allowing me to dream of getting to know them. I have to be honest here, but that’s probably the most fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me. You might as well had just put a bullet in my head.”
ME: “I understand you feeling the way you do about your kids—I really do. But not when you allowed me to be in your life, especially when there was a man before me, and after you approached me, set up a date, and allowed and encouraged me to love you so deeply. The “sacrifice” mothers make should have been done after Lance, not after Landyn. Then you told me you would leave an adult decision, our life decision in their hands, after I was already in your life. When we first met, you never told me that their permission would be required if you were to leave. If I had known that, I’d know I’d never have a chance and if breaking their hearts were on the table, I would’ve run for my life, but you took it from me instead—even taking the chance of having kids of my own one day because it will take me years to get past this, if I ever do. I had no idea from the very first day we met that you just had absolutely zero respect for my heart. I think this is a sweet thought for a mother to have—to think of her kids, but not when someone is in your life the way I was. You seem to conveniently forget I walked away at one time because you were married and I feared you’d use me to fill a void in your marriage. After your “Don’t classify me with the general public” and “I feel I’ve betrayed my kids” comments, that’s exactly what you did, my greatest fear coming true.”
ME: “Another thing that upset me, especially the closer we became, is we would share beautiful moments together. Whether in my room, on our beach, Laguna Beach, San Diego, or San Francisco. After every moment you would tell me things like “It was the best morning ever” and “it meant everything”.”
ME: “You always got mad at me because you felt you would pay the price afterwards. Well, it was because you would just go home and three days later you would basically disappear as if I didn’t exist. You cheapened our beautiful moments by going back into another bed without caring how it would make me feel. I don’t know where you got this sense of entitlement, but I expected a man like the douchebag you married to do that, not the woman I love—I’ve never slept with someone and disappeared on them as if they didn’t exist. I don’t know where you learned this behavior from but you can’t do that to people, Anya. Again, you don’t know how that feels because I never did that to you and that’s where 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats come from.”
ME: “Believe me, I paid dearly every time—it wasn’t just you who paid.”
ME: “The last reason you got 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats is because you made the decision to “suck it up” when I was in your life after all I endured just for a chance to be with you. After you encouraged and allowed me to fall in love with you. After I walked away from you to avoid all I feel now. Again, I trusted you to lead me in the right direction. I understand Katie’s letter was tough for you to read and you felt like you weren’t there for her. You felt guilty about this like the great mother you are—and you are a great mother, no question. You weren’t there for her not because of your love for me, but because of the inequity and trust issues with your marriage. What you found on Katie’s computer was proof the marriage was hurting the kids, but you didn’t see it that way because of the financial security it provides you and them. You know, I can’t even fault you for that, I just don’t think it’s fair you were never honest about it—that I had to find this out after allowing and encouraging me to fall madly in love with you. I know you “hang in there” for the kids too, but this is why I asked you on the first night if his wealth was why you were still there and I’ve had to learn it was for the money all along because you believe your kids wouldn’t have the best things in life if you were with me. I see other things too and I get it. Since you take care of the kids, you know he wouldn’t know what to do if he had them—he’d probably neglect them since he already leaves things up to you that he should be doing. I also believe you stay however to protect your image, your reputation, and to keep up appearances as to not lose 75% of your friends and business contacts. If I’m your “everything”, I find it very hard to believe taking all that into consideration. This relationship was never about ME—not for a single day. It was all about YOU. But I accepted that going in because it had to be about your happiness more than my own—and your happiness would’ve always been more important than my own—it’s the way I am. I just didn’t expect you to hide so much from me, to the point I not only feel misled, but that you misrepresented everything about your situation to me that put me directly in the line of fire.”
ME: I know you’re afraid and I understand your fears more than you think I do, and what you’re up against and they are all legitimate reasons to be afraid, but Anya, there is one truth about love above all else--love does not know fear, The problem I have is you brought me into your life, a stranger you encouraged and allowed to feel deeply for you, and that should have scared you more than anything, especially after what I told you about money scaring me away when I decided to walk away from you on our first date. You told me I broke your heart and I took responsibility for it, trying to make it right so you’d never have your heart broken again—I couldn’t have ever imagined you would break mine instead—treating me as if I was the one who cheated on you multiple times in your marriage. To learn the reason Lance left you wasn’t because he thought your kids were baggage, but because you pitted your kids against him too—why he described his beautiful relationship with you as tragic. Lance also knew most of the people in your circle of friends, and that’s why it was easier to date me—I was more disconnected from the real picture of your life than Lance was, You should’ve equally afraid of taking my heart without being prepared to leave and denying me any sense of hope. Again, you played with my feelings by loving me with your heart and soul and leaving me hanging out to dry, as if I deserved this. Your husband deserves this, not me. This wasn’t about you leaving now, no, this was about you not even being able to make a promise to leave one day. Now that I know you had no plans to ever divorce, daring to be labeled as part of the general public (your reputation and image), it’s quite clear you used me to feel again.”
ME: “I gave you 100% of me. Sadly, you will have that for a long time to come. I was there for you whenever and wherever you needed me. I even supported you when you had rough times, choosing to give you a chance to figure things out. I never made you pay for a mistake after breaking up with me, opting instead to see your side of things—never turning you away whenever you wanted to see me again because you were having a hard time and missing me. I scheduled my life around you and always made myself available to you, even opening my heart to you because I trusted you would lead me in the right direction to at least a promise to be together one day. I trusted in your hopes, wishes and dreams—believing they wouldn’t be those things if they hurt your kids.”
ME: “I’ve had to endure the façade every day for 22 months and you never changed one single thing in your life. My reward for loving you and wanting to be with the one who wished she belonged to me, who wanted to wear my ring, who loves me forever, was to let me go. Even Summer in the movie “500 Days of Summer” didn’t do such a thing to the guy who reminded you of me. It wasn’t our story because at least Summer was straight up with that guy. As much as you think I’m an angry person, I got angry for a reason, Anya. I argued with you for a reason. If you could somehow get a man who doesn’t get angry and who doesn’t argue, who in fact hates arguing, to get angry and argue then you’ve done something wrong. As much as you would love to believe I am, I’m not crazy or psycho. This love was so passionate and emotional because of the situation, it drove me crazy—it would do that to anyone who feels all I do. I’m sure you would like to think of me as such because it would make your decision easier, and maybe you did that intentionally for that reason? You took me for a hell of a ride.”
ME: “I know you like to hold onto the words “I don’t know” or “I told you I couldn’t promise anything” but I can’t let anyone tell me or lead me to believe in “I love you forever” and “I believe in our love” or “I want to wear your ring” to leave me hanging to dry without having something to say about it. There were a lot more things you told me and allowed me to feel that brought me here and it’s not fair to be judged for the anguish it’s caused. This relationship was never about me for a single day, but you twisted it to make it seem that way whenever I felt hurt by the things you did. This entire relationship was on your terms and never mine, and I played along up until now. I’ve been nothing but a gentleman about it for a long time before it started to hurt me because my feelings naturally grew because of all we shared.”
ME: “You just don’t do this to people, Anya. Loving someone with your heart and soul, and not doing anything to be with them is not a unique gift. You gave me a gift you wouldn’t allow me to unwrap. You never take chances with someone else’s heart. You don’t take or try—you do. You stand up for them. I didn’t do this to us—you did this to us by not knowing things you should have known.”
ME: “If you thought at any time during this relationship that being together would hurt Katie and Andrew, you misled me completely and gave me false hope. How dare you allow me to ever be in your life if you felt that way and how dare you tell me that you would beg a man for forgiveness who has cheated on your four times, the only reason I was in your life in the first place. Again, if I had known you felt this was a betrayal of your kids, I would’ve never allowed myself to trust you. If mothers make sacrifices for their children, it should have been done after Lance, not after Landyn. I’m the second guy here, not the first, and who knows if there’s more than that? You seem to be letting me go really well.”
ME: “If you’re hurt too and your life will never be the same again, then you should not be there otherwise you must’ve always been open to working on your marriage—another thing you decided to hide from me.”
ME: “You told me you were close to getting out of the car like Francesco Johnson in “The Bridges of Madison County”, but how close were you? When was that moment? I’d like to know because if you really wanted to change things, I wouldn’t think you’d feel I was pressuring you by any means.”
ME: “You must’ve been drinking when you told me the things you did that allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with you, or you’re just a politician who says things to get what you want from people.”
ME: “Your “Don’t classify me with the general public” remark on Monday set all this off. You had no right to snap at me. I didn’t deserve that at all and I won’t take it from you. Believe it or not, I not only risked everything too, but I actually lost things. You’ve crippled me mentally and emotionally by loving me the way you did and then pitting me against your kids. I hate to tell you this and I always intended to hide it from you, but my love for you was the reason I lost my job because I lost focus. Your husband, Jackson, was my firm’s biggest client and he whined to my boss about our relationship. My boss confronted me about it and admitted it was why they fired me, on the same day as my promotion to partner. I then watched your husband cyber stalk me on Facebook for an innocuous post about San Francisco and Las Vegas, and you did nothing at all to protect me—instead blaming me for everything and giving the serial philanderer you married the benefit of curiosity. I took a monster leap of faith for you and with you. I was badly hurt in my last relationship and I didn’t want to get hurt again—I couldn’t afford to at my age and with a career that depended on a sound mind. I trusted in your love to find a way for us to be together; if we were one, if we were soulmates. I trusted in your love not to ever hurt me. And I trusted your love not to leave me stranded and leaving me to believe you misrepresented everything about your “situation”, even telling me “There is no marriage”.”
ME: “I trusted your eyes when they got lost in mine, with all the love in the world in them to never hurt me just as much as you trusted the way I looked at you. I trusted you to at the very least make me a promise to leave if you truly loved me that much.”
ME: “I trusted you all the times you ever told me “I love you forever”. I trusted you when you told me “I want to wear your ring”. I trusted you when you told me “I could see us with one”. I trusted all the things you told me consistent with love for me, so I fell freely and securely in love with you regardless of the situation. In the end, you just played with my heart without even trying to find a single way for us to be together, enough to at least make a promise to be with me.”
ME: “I know you think I will care again but my life is forever changed—I’ll pay every day for the rest of my life, never being brave to feel or trust love ever again I’ve always believed people got married for the wrong reasons, but now I know they also stay together for them too. I always thought the divorce rate was too high but now I know it’s too low. I used to have the utmost respect for marriages and all relationships, but you have taught me otherwise. I’ve also learned kids ruin marriages.”
ME: “I was not “stress relief”. I was not in your life for marriage support nor was I a “vacation” for you. My heart was not for your intrigue to look at like a novelty item in a store and to decide if you wanted to buy it or not. I’m not a pair of shoes or a dress you try on then return without a second’s thought. You bought it the day you decided to love me with your heart and soul. The day you called me your true love. The day you told me you knew I was your soulmate.”
ME: “You had the audacity to tell me not to blame him for my unhappiness. Well, all I know is this—if he didn’t cheat on you, I wouldn’t be depressed, angry, sad, and on Zoloft right now because I would’ve never known you and I always told you I wish he had never cheated on you.”
ME: “I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made some mistakes and took responsibility for even the mistakes that weren’t my fault, I did nothing deserving of this broken heart. I’m allowed to defend myself, Anya if you’re not going to. Yes, I’ve shaken your trust, but I’ve never broken it, but you’ve decided to treat me as if I had. If you felt you betrayed your kids at any time during our relationship, then you were always looking for a way out, and what better way than to blame me for being angry so you could make a clean getaway? You don’t get to point a finger at me anymore and say I didn’t want this. I’ve endured a lot just to see you a few hours every two weeks and I’m the only one here who had to pay every day and night for it. And my only reward for being a “nice guy” (Yep, I fell for that one again) and a “gem” was you telling me to “have a nice life” because you couldn’t handle the pressure yet I had to handle knowing every night that the woman I loved so much was sleeping next to someone else and everything else you led me to believe you wanted to change, but never even tried to do.”
ME: “I hated to do this to you, Anya—to send all of my grievances to you. To whine and tell you all this stuff I feel, but your words on Monday and the silence that followed, made me feel used, misled and played and it was time to let you know—I’m no longer your fool. You picked the wrong guy to treat this way.”
After I sent the forty third and final text just after midnight, I ran to my bathroom, threw my head in a toilet to empty out my stomach—the end had arrived, and I knew it. My trust in her to lead me the right way, the entire way, even in the middle of her indecision, was my undoing. There had to be a balance of control in our relationship—it couldn’t just reside with her. After I lost my job and spent the last month unable to move out of bed, even getting addicted to opiates in the process to help me cope—it was time to lose my life. In the end, I trusted Anya to be honest in the end if she truly loved me, never choosing to live a dishonest life—the reason I fought so hard for her happiness. Believing she was being honest with me was what made her so beautiful to me. That she knew what love was and loved me too much to do something that would hurt me. Instead, since there was no way, I would ever know, she took advantage of my blind spot, and did things she knew would hurt me. In her head, if I never knew about them, they couldn’t hurt me. That works with her children, but not someone who put their heart on the line for her. Over time, I learned what felt like love to Anya, wasn’t truly love. Instead of fantasizing about a possible life together, she wanted to share sexual fantasies. Either she treated me as if her husband and I were the same kind of man, or all she ever wanted was to enjoy sex without having kids barging in on her.
I didn’t sleep the entire night—these texts tearing into my soul. My heart wasn’t just broken, but beyond repair. I hoped maybe she would see how I could have felt about the things she told me, but I expected to be blasted by her in the morning, if she had the strength to respond to them at all. I held out little hope she would see my words as nothing less than a personal attack on her character—and in her defense, they were. I then started to see Anya for what she really was—a woman who had a history of changing her mind at a moment’s notice towards the men in her life—finding fault with them instead of herself. Of course, her husband was excluded from the list, and although I didn’t know the details enough to truly judge, something had to be said for the way Anya dealt with them. She even made fun of her friend, Flora, even calling her a “psycho” for smashing her ex’s phone after she found out he cheated on her, and told me after she got divorced that Flora went “shining” on her. She even told me about having a stalker in her life. At the time I dismissed it, but now it seemed she likely hurt him really bad. She was also engaged at one time to another man before Jackson reappeared in her life. When she dumped him for the man she ended up marrying, the guy was so broken up by it, he fled the state. Then there was the friend of Jackson, who after she married him, wanted her to take a chance with him—leaving me to have little doubt I was at least the third guy she’s done this to while being married. By far, I’m sure I was the biggest fool out of all of us.
Anya never dreaming of falling in love as a little girl should’ve given me great pause—there was no way she’d ever believe love was a rational notion. As much as she claimed to hate it, Anya was drawn to drama. Not only was she a gifted actress, but she was a Director as well. As much as she demanded to be in control, she was too intoxicated with whim and fantasy to deserve the wheel. For her to have hurt a man so badly that he felt the need to leave the state was all the evidence in the world of who Anya truly was as a person. It could be said that Jackson breaking up that engagement was the second time he ruined a marriage. It seemed what she considered to be settling out of “convenience” for a disrespectful and arrogant man like Jackson, a man who broke up another man’s marriage while cheating on his pregnant wife, was just karma for canceling her engagement—she wasn’t the victim she made herself out to be. There was no doubt she fell out of love with Jackson, but it had nothing to do with his infidelities—rather for the general grievances in any marriage. As long as women desired Jackson, regardless of his transgressions, Anya was honored to say she slept in the same bed as him. The fact that she could sleep in the same bed as him, even looking him in the eye after all we shared just destroyed me from the inside out. There was no way I’d ever trust the words “I love you” from someone again—there was no chance at recovery for me. The dream of love, of having kids and raising a family, would die because I planned to.
When Anya responded to my forty plus instant messages at fifty-seven minutes past five that morning, messages I wish I could’ve been strong enough to never send, I expected nothing less than a response to officially end all I ever believed in and fought for. Instead, she responded in a manner consistent with the way I was living my life because of her love for me.
ANYA: “Can’t move.”