“Turnin’ circles and time again.

Cut like a knife, oh now.

If ya love me got to know for sure.

‘Cause it takes something more this time.

Than sweet sweet lies, oh now

Before I open up my arms and fall

Losing all control

Every dream inside my soul.”

~ “This Year’s Love” David Gray

My Dearest Anya,

I hope you’re doing well. I’m sure this letter will have to be put through a shredder, so it seems like a lot of work for nothing, but doing the right thing always matter to me because you matter to me. It has been two months since I heard your voice for the last time. A voice I truly didn’t listen to for the last ten months. A voice I should’ve listened to. I really can’t tell my dreams from reality these days. That’s been my life without you, but it’s a life I guess I deserve. This has been the toughest holiday season by far for me in my life because you’re missing from it. I really hope the holiday season is treating you better. I never knew the rain could hurt so much when it falls, but I believe it was the rain that allowed me to see the wrong I’ve done and all the pain and fear I’ve put you through. I’ve been working on this letter every day for the last two months, a letter evolved to what it is now—my resolved feelings. This letter was intended to show you the pain I felt by realizing you were not “truly” in love with me because now you’re gone. When I’m wrong about something, I’m usually the first to admit it but I just could not understand how someone could truly love me and let me go, what seemed, so easily. I had thought at the time, with no doubt, that it was plain to see I was used and misled. I’m sorry it took me such a long time to truly understand your point of view and why you let me go and by doing so, I was the one who broke your heart. My realization was much like Bruce Willis’s in “The Sixth Sense”. I had to go back in my journal and re-read all our arguments and what you told me—just like when I wanted to see that movie again after its ending so I could pay attention to the signs that would have given away the ending. To see if it was true—was he really dead the entire time? The only difference between Bruce Willis and I, is that I’m still alive.

I know it’s too late to change things, but it’s never too late to tell someone you’re sorry, especially after all the pain and fear you caused them, so I feel I owe this to you. I apologize for the length of this letter, but there are not enough words I can write, or text, or say, or even in the dictionary, to express how truly sorry I am from the bottom of my heart for all I put you through after my birthday and any time before that as well. I know I let you down big time. I could tell you “I’m sorry” a million different ways and it still wouldn’t be enough to show you how sorry I really am for what I put you through. I know I have probably more to lose by sending this letter to you but I’ve already lost you as my love and friend, so nothing I lose from this point on could be any worse than that. At least you will know I was wrong and to me that means more than anything. I feel so bad about my behavior that it makes me truly want to die. Not so much because I’ve lost you, even though it has something to do with it, but more so because I’ve hurt you terribly. The one I love most in this world. I would’ve just rather lost you than hurt you in anyway. I don’t carry misplaced anger anymore because it’s now been replaced by a deep sense of compassion for you. This I promise forever.

For many months, I truly couldn’t understand why you felt the way you did. The thing that boggled my mind the most was that you considered me telling him a “threat” and not an act of love. I fought you tooth and nail on this and we went back and forth. My feeling was how could you consider me telling him a “threat” if you’re truly in love with me? In my mind, I felt by calling that a “threat” that you couldn’t possibly be in love with me as much as you said you were. So, I started questioning your love and the truth. I started to believe you held onto some things I really needed to know. On Yom Kippur, when you told me you had sinned and you betrayed your kids, the hurt I already felt inside intensified to a point where I couldn’t hide it or be noble for you anymore. If I wasn’t listening to you before, I completely stopped listening to you after you told me that. It just really hurt mostly because you shared the lives of your children with me, and was a huge reason why I felt so much for you. However, I was really blinded by a potent combination of my hurt, your hurt and the frustration I felt of not being able to freely love you because of the “situation”. I never thought I would truly understand why you let me go. I felt a person who was in love with me would never let me go. I was so sure I was right about the way I felt. I thought you were seriously crazy every time you were mad at me for getting upset or showing you my “feelings”. I finally realized why you felt I “threatened” you and why you pulled away. I finally realized I had hurt you really bad. I also finally understood why I scared you so much with my outbursts. All I thought in my mind was you thought I was on the other side of the phone in an out-of-control rage which was very far from the truth, but now I realize it was the recklessness in the words I chose to text you and how I said the things I did which gave you that impression. I was so focused on proving to you I wasn’t even visibly upset and that I was just upset (hurt). Finally, all the anger, fear and pain you felt started to make sense. Now I can’t understand why you would’ve even wanted to still be my friend after all I had put you through and even more unbelievably, I can’t believe you were still in love with me. I deserved nothing from you after I put you through all that but you kept hanging in because you kept believing this couldn’t be your Landyn, the one you gave your heart and soul to, the one you risked everything for, and you were right—all you received was hatred and resentment for it in the end; for just hanging in and believing in me and us, showing me a great deal of love and trust, regardless of the fear, pain and sadness you felt. I never saw this but I can see why you thought I acted just like an abusive person would to you. You became fearful to be with me not because you weren’t in love with me but because I would overanalyze things, form my own conclusions and truth, and then say crazy things which scared you and further crippling our chances of ever being together. You tried to hold on to a friendship, not just to be my friend, but to save our relationship, our hope. If anything, by not being with me and by trying to be a friend, you were desperately trying to save us. You were fighting for our wishes, hopes and dreams regardless of the pain and fear you felt everyday. You were showing me how much you wanted to be with me by not being with me, and I was too blind to see it. You even felt I was messing with your heart because of this and I had no sympathy whatsoever because I couldn’t understand where the pain and fear was truly coming from. You were right, I was self-absorbed. I understand your pain and fear now, completely and wholly. Your only fault was being in love with me and I punished you for it severely. I really did blow it. I really let us down. Now I see what I did to us.

When I told you I wanted him to know about us, I never made clear what I wanted to “tell” him. I told you one time “I would just tell him everything”. You saw the unpredictable nature of my text outbursts and thought I was a wild card so you didn’t know what I wanted to tell him and when I would. I accused you of being inconsistent with your feelings but little did I realize the only reason I felt that way was because I was inconsistent with my reactions. You were scared (because of your experiences with my outbursts) that I could probably tell him anything which would not only hurt you tremendously, but also you kids, and it would haunt you forever. To you, if what I would say was “crazy”, you would also have to think I would do something crazy as well. I understand better now why you viewed these as threats and sadly I honestly never understood it at all until about a month ago. I had to rewrite this letter completely because of it. By thinking I wanted to tell him everything, that included the trips with Katie. The significance of those two trips was that you were responsible for her. If I had told him you were with me at anytime during those two trips, he would accuse you of ditching your own daughter to spend time with me, whether that was true or not. I truly never realized this until now. Anya, I was never going to tell him about any of our times together, no details whatsoever. I truly never realized your fear of this being known because it never crossed my mind due to me having no intentions of giving him details, so I never gave your fear about that any thought at all. If he knew about this, he would never let you live it down and you would have to pay for the rest of your life. You would truly suffer forever as your kids would expect you to stay and make it right for Dad and them. He would’ve used this as a nuclear bomb against you and you’d be trapped forever and at his mercy. He’d probably threaten to tell the kids, your parents and try to paint you as a horrible mother if you were to leave so he could get custody of them not because of a great love he has for them, but because he doesn’t want to pay child support. His greatest love is money. Not only was this why you felt you betrayed your kids and sinned, even though we never met in Vegas, but this is why me “telling” him was a “threat”. This is why you thought what I was doing was “malicious”. This is why you felt I was “harassing” you. This is why you called the police. This is why you were “very hurt” and “really scared”. This is why you felt “pressured” and “punished”. I cannot imagine how it must have felt to be in love with someone that you thought could do something that vicious to you. I realize now I didn’t just break your heart, I shattered it. You had no idea what I would “tell” him and it really scared you. It breaks my heart even more than it already is broken to realize what I did to you and what hurt even more is that I couldn’t recognize it at the time to prevent it, or to at least tell you how wrong it was and how sorry I was. The saddest thing is that you apologized to me for what I put you through. I can’t even put into words to explain how much that hurts me that you felt you had to apologize to me for that. I seriously would’ve called the police too. I’m really ashamed of myself. I was so blinded by my pain (self absorbed) that I didn’t realize the frightening nature of the things I said when I would get upset with you. I guess if you hang around a Special Ed long enough, they tend to rub off on you eventually. You told me one time “stop messing with my heart” and you told me “unbelievable is right!!!”, and “you’ve ruined my life and my hope”. Then you would tell me things like “Do you sit there and think of ways to hurt me?” and “Don’t you know twice is two times too many?” in regards to my threats. I can’t believe I told you I had ONLY threatened you twice. I can’t believe I told you “You’re going to know what the truth means and means very soon”. I thought you were the crazy one for feeling the way you did. Why can’t she understand ME? Can’t SHE see what she’s doing to ME? Can’t SHE see that thinking I’m threatening her is not being truly in love with ME? I didn’t realize how you were thinking and you had EVERY right in the world to feel threatened AND harassed. I put myself in your shoes and if you had done that to me, I would have been so pissed off at you I would’ve gotten a restraining order. I would be so afraid of you, there’s no way I could put any trust in you—absolutely none. Now I see why you felt I broke your trust as well and not just shook it. I acted like a monster to you, like King Kong, roaring, beating my chest and crushing cars and not really thinking how I was acting out just to get to you—thinking only of myself. I had no idea you thought I was going to tell him about our time anywhere and about any intimate details we shared together but I should have known this by the way I was talking. There’s no excuse. I should’ve known. I acted out like a huge jerk because I thought I was the victim. I’m so mad at myself for this. It was my fault because I gave you intimate details of things to you over the phone the last time we talked. I was just pointing out the depth of your love for me by telling you that. That’s all, and not as a hint about what I planned to tell him. Now I see what you meant by “malicious” and to think about what I’m doing and what I had done. Now I understand your pain, fear and why you would get so angry with me when I thought all I was doing was telling you how I felt. I am so sorry for all I’ve done to make you feel that way, and to put you in that position. It’s completely my fault for scaring you like that. I was reckless with my words. I have no one else to blame but myself. I hurt you really bad and I am really sorry. I was too blinded by my own hurt to know what I was doing to you. I was angry but not that angry. I could’ve never done that to you. If you believe one thing I ever told you, please believe that. This is the absolute truth but all I wanted to “tell” him, and I didn’t want to ever tell him, was that you were “in love” with me and why I was in her life. I’m not saying even that would alleviate your fears, but that’s all I wanted him to know only because he already knew who I was for well over a year and I felt both of us were hurting too much living a lie. If he didn’t know me, I never would’ve considered telling him anything. I just felt if you kept denying our love to him, we would have less of a chance of ending up together. I felt the time came to be honest about it and as much as I dislike your husband as your husband, it was time to stop playing mind games with him. There was no denying San Francisco after he stalked me and got into my FB account, and if we kept on denying it further it was only going to make him even more resentful towards us if we were ever together. If we were honest, we had a better chance of being together rather than continuing to play this game for years and years. If we were ever together, I wanted us to be somewhat civil to each other because he’s Katie’s and Andrew’s father, and I wouldn’t want to deter him from being there for his kids. I’d want to be respectful of their father and I felt it was now or never. I respect him greatly as Katie and Andrew’s dad, even though I think he should do more than just show up for games and dance shows. I just do not respect him at all as your husband. Anyway, that’s how I felt about that.

I didn’t want him to know any details about what we shared. He will never know what we’ve shared. Everything we ever shared together was only between two people—Us. Forever. I promise. I could never be mad enough at you to do something that cold, calculated and malicious. I understand now where you were coming from. I’m sorry I didn’t get it. Remember I love you. It’s me. I wouldn’t have been so upset about things if I didn’t love you. I know he opened a FB account. I’m guessing partly in the hope It would entice me to contact him and spill my guts. Tell him he might as well close it if that’s what he’s hoping for. It’s not out of fear but only because I’ve said what I had to say and he already knows all I wanted him to know. I may be younger but I’m wiser than him—I don’t need a lawyer to defend me. If he wants to vent, he can contact me anytime and I promise I won’t get him for harassment and stalking. He won’t learn a thing.

Listed below are the legal definitions according to California State Law.

STALKING

“Any person willfully and maliciously, and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear for his or her safety or that of an immediate family member is guilty of stalking.”

HARASSMENT

“Unlawful violence, a credible threat of violence, or a knowing or willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses that person, and that serves no legitimate purpose. The course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress and must actually cause substantial emotional distress.

I feel my legitimate purpose is stated below in your own words over the last 22 months. You don’t have to read all of these, but I hope you do because I think it will give you a better idea of how I felt and why I acted the way I did. This is why I mailed this letter to you. There were 3 things that just tore me apart, why I wanted him to know you were in love with me and why I was here; these words, the agonizing thought of you being with someone else (him), and my need to show you my love. Again, I am sorry for the length of this letter.

“I don’t want you to leave me…”

“You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can’t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt everyday because I miss you so much.”

“I believe in our love.”

“I just want to run to you and never leave. I guess I need to control my feelings and be rational, it’s for the best. I love you!”

“Thank you for being in my life. You always make me feel special. I love you.”

“I could say I love you all day long, just wish I could announce it to the world.”

“Yes, you’re right. I’m surrounded by love everyday so I won’t cry you a river about how complicated my life is. But I long for our love.

“Wish I was at “home” waiting for you. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.”

“These are my feelings about love. Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving. You’ve shown me nothing but love.”

“When I say I feel safe in your arms, I don’t mean from physical harm. I feel like you would never intentionally hurt me. My heart will never break if I let you in.”

“You’re such a special guy. You are so thoughtful. You truly care about what I do. You always follow up with questions regarding what is going on with me at the moment.”

“You are by far the most sensitive, sweet and romantic guy I’ve ever met! Life with you would be like a dream.”

“You know the cliché, “Money doesn’t buy you happiness”? I understand it. The way you make me feel, I want to have it again. I haven’t “felt” in years.”

“I miss u so much.”

“No not tonight. I’m alone. I’m at the Surf & Strand Hotel. Been crying all day. Came here to clear my head and to listen to the waves. I’m ok.”

“I’m fine thanks. Pretty busy. I’m not mad at you. Just don’t know what to do. Easier for me to shut down sometimes than to hurt. I miss u.”

“They’d probably think you were the cause. Only if they knew what kind of man you are they’d fall in love.”

“I miss your kiss too. I miss hanging in your bed with you. I miss you pulling me back to you when I try to leave. I miss laughing with you.”

“I love you my best friend.”

“Of course I have! All day! I love it when our faces touch. I feel so close to you.”

“Yes it did. I do feel closer to you, more than ever. I couldn’t stop kissing you. I couldn’t get enough.”

“I wish you wouldn’t. I’d love it.”

“I love you Landyn.”

“Missing u.”

“I miss you baby. It’s torture.”

“I want to see you everyday.”

“Sometimes I lay my phone on my tummy waiting for it to vibrate when I’m lying down. I’d put it on my chest close to my heart but it doesn’t exactly lay flat.”

“No it doesn’t sound weird. I know the feeling though you’re more free to text me than I am to text you. When I wake up to see a text from you it’s like a present!”

“I love sharing feelings with you too b/c it’s mutual therefore it’s safe. No judgment.’

“I agree babe. Amazingly it didn’t take me long to let down my guard and trust you. Didn’t think I’d be able to trust again.”

“You’re beautiful and perfect to me. You do “dazzle” me babe! It’s the way he loves her and takes care of her. Though he wants her, he would never hurt her. I love you!”

“I love talking to you when we’re really close and our lips are barely touching. I’ve never done that before with anyone.”

“Do you know you’re the sweetest man alive? I still chuckle at the fact that you’d watch me sleep. You must love me!”

“For instance, I’m good with only a wooden leg or two, I’d rather sleep than stay awake to watch you sleep, and I couldn’t take a bullet. Ouch! Is that fair?”

“Really missing you to death.”

“You’re my soulmate babe.”

“Easy for you to say. I guess I don’t need you if I don’t ever need love again.”

“I know. You’re all I know now and it’s hard for me too. I long to be close to you every minute of the day. I love you.”

“You know it’s true love when all you need is rain, candles and each other.”

“Btw I loved the butterfly gift bag with pink sparkly tissue paper! You’re so cute!”

“I hope you don’t think I’m stringing you along. I’m in love with you. I can’t fake that. Idk if you could ever truly understand my position. I love you.”

“Missing you like crazy.”

“It was hard for me too. I saw couples kissing on TV and I was envious. I missed you very much.”

“We had a huge fight and he took off. Idk where he is off to but just in case he has your address and he shows up, don’t open the door. Remember we’re just friends.”

“He wanted to kiss me and I wouldn’t.”

“Passionately and I wouldn’t cuz made me sick.”

“He is not making it easy. He said he knows I have a “relationship” and he wants me to stop it. He made me feel guilty about the kids.”

“He started in about what I’m doing to the kids and how my family would be horrified. I denied but he doesn’t believe it.”

“I’m depressed and sad.”

“I’m so sad.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t meet for tea today. I really wanted to.”

“I understand why you say the things you do. Thank you for being so protective of me. I know you love me. I would do the same. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.”

“You bring me smiles and laughter. I miss all of you too.”

“Should be ok. He’s watching me like a hawk.”

“The flowers were beautiful. Very thoughtful. Thank you.”

“I noticed the color babe. That was very thoughtful.”

“I felt happy the whole time! It just blows my mind how perfect we are together!”

“Out to dinner. Missing you.”

“Wish I could meet your mom. Wish you could meet mine. I’m sure I’d love her and I’m sure you’d love mine cuz we love each other. Any shortcomings would be dismissed.”

“Awww hun. I feel honored you feel highly of me. Just an average simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life.”

“Thank u babe. U always make me feel so special.”

“Me too. Every time I look out the window I think of you. It’s quite picturesque.”

“Not so bad. They’re just having fun. I miss u so much.”

“U have to know you’re the only man in my heart. I carry you around everywhere I go. I only want to be with you. I only love you. I just went to bed. Is that so wrong?”

“I loved eating with you! I love you!”

“It felt as if we were together and it was an everyday thing. So natural.”

“It was done out of love. I hope you’re ok.”

“It was the best!”

“Yesterday’s memories are still so very clear. I love hanging with you. I love you.”

“Thank u babe. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“I know! I miss you too! It’s so hard to be away after sharing so much.”

“I really miss u.”

“I love u, u know. And I always will.”

“It’s amazing to me that you don’t take anything for granted.”

“I know you’d make a good husband. You’re very special.”

“We’d make a good team.”

“I just teared up. You make it impossible to stay mad at you cuz like you said, at the end of the day, you do love me.”

“I can’t stop thinking about what you said earlier about saving for a ring and travels. I’m a lucky girl to have a guy like you to love me that much.”

“You had me in tears all day.”

“I have to get back by 5 p.m. for Andrew’s baseball game. Not looking forward to it.”

“I just found out you stay with the same team for two years.”

“Hate this I swear.”

“I think so! I’m sooo happy right now!”

“I miss u too. I miss everything about yesterday. I miss us.”

“This is what impresses me every time. You don’t care about what kind of shape or form. You’re just happy to see me and I so appreciate that. I love you forever.”

“Thank you. You’re my angel.”

“I miss u so much. I only have beautiful memories.”

“I know this sounds crazy. As angry as I was with you, I long to kiss you, hold you, and be in bed with you. Dying inside.”

“I haven’t stopped thinking about today. When it’s good, it’s really good with only good feelings! I’ve missed you so much.”

“Good morning babe. How r u? You know what I could use tom? I could use a long hug! How about you? I love you.”

“Still very touched by your thoughtful gifts! I love you forever.”

“I really miss you.”

“Just finished dinner. I’m supposed to be at Andrew’s game right now but I’m not going. The “witch” is there and not in the mood to go there.”

“Thank you for your support. You really love me, don’t you? You really would do anything for me, wouldn’t you?”

“I dream everyday, I haven’t stopped missing you or loving you not even for a split second. Even when we get mad at eachother, I never stop missing or loving you.”

“I miss you more than you know.”

“You don’t see me throughout the day. You don’t see what I go through.”

“A lot of missing you.”

“Nothing to open up. I just miss you a lot.”

“Just dropped them off at the beach! Thank you for taking time off today! It was nice to see you! I love you!”

“You want details? I had dinner with a new salesperson yesterday and all she talked about was how she spent a romantic month in Italy and Paris with her bf.”

“All I thought about the whole entire dinner was going to Europe and getting lost with you for a month. Made me so happy dreaming about us.”

“After dinner I was depressed. I was so unsure of my life. I so want that with you.”

“Morning! Made it through another night. Seems like I’m living day to day waiting for it to end so I can sleep it off. Just leaving to go run.”

“Yup! One female employee!”

“Use to it!”

“Take me to Royal Cove one day?”

“You’re an angel.”

“I miss you.”

“I so miss u.”

“Ha ha! Alive? Totally safe! I promise! Just for breakfast. Frida’s was sooo romantic! Of course, I missed you! They had a Mexican singer and she sang Toda Una Vida.”

“I soooooooooooo miss u!”

“Every day I like V-day for me because I’m in love with you. I fantasize about putting on that cocktail dress and going on a romantic dinner with you. Miss you.”

“I love you so much it hurts.”

“I question our strong feelings. I don’t know if this is normal or even healthy. I know “love” but not this way.”

“I would rather die than never have you in my life.”

“Thanks for calling me. I feel better now. I hope that you really, truly believe that I am in love with you. You are my true love. I really believe that. I want to be with you.”

“Thank you, you’re a bigger person than I can ever dream to be. My heart just skipped a beat! I love you with all my heart!”

“Soulmates, no doubt.”

“Thank you, baby. You spoil me with your beautiful thoughts and words. The more I fall, the more I hurt because I want to see you all the time. I’ve never missed anyone this much.”

“Thank you. Miss u and love you too. I can’t quit you.”

“Loved every moment from Republique falling asleep with you. Waking up to the waves crashing, banana breaks, riding in your car, and hanging at the movies!”

“I wish I can tell the world that you’re my “boyfriend”! I miss u and love u very much!!!”

“I love you more than chocolate and that’s big!!!”

“I love you forever! Have you ever said “I love you forever” to anyone?”

“Me too! Can we own it? That is our special “I love you” to each other!”

“Now I know there are four things in life I’m sure of: Death, Taxes, Teen lies, My love for you.”

“In the past 7 months, I’ve loved, felt, and grown like never before. You made my life full of color and I’ve enjoyed every moment with you. Hope for many more moments!”

“I really miss you babe.”

“I’m still very touched you came to see my daughter perform. Made me realize how much I love you.”

“You’re a very important part of my life. I love you.”

“I’m really having a hard time right now. I just miss you so much I can’t handle it. I miss our closeness. Can you have tea tomorrow if I can get away?”

“On my way home. I want to be happy again. I only thought of you the whole time. I love you! Forever!”

“You’re the sweetest babe! I’m sooo lucky to have such an amazing guy in my life!”

“Hi babe! At Nobu having dinner! I was just thinking about u! That’s very sweet! How I’d love to have you with me on top of the world! The night is beautiful!”

“Never met a man like you.”

“Hard for me to understand that because you’re the most lovable, caring, thoughtful, loving, romantic, gentle and patient man I know.”

“Good morning! I changed my mind. I want my ashes to be spread out on “our beach” where the sea meets the land. Care to join me?”

“I’m so sorry. My heart is broken. Your love is such a gift. Having had that will carry me through. I’m a better person cuz of you. I miss you like I’ve never missed before.”

“I didn’t pick my marriage over you. There’s no marriage. I know I’ve said it before but it’s hard to understand a mom’s sacrifice. I really did want to be with you.”

“If we don’t end up together, I will still have my ashes scattered at “Our Beach”. I will put it in my will. This I promise forever.”

“Wish you were here. I miss you.”

“You’re always there for me. I love you.”

“I can honestly say it was the saddest wedding I’ve been to. Not because the wedding was sad, but what I felt inside. I felt helpless.”

“The guy my cousin married is a great guy and I’m happy for them. You should have seen the way he looked at her as he promised his heart to her for a lifetime.”

“No doubt he is completely in love with her. They dated for almost 5 years. One of those years was a long-distance deal from Canada to Vegas.”

“I’m sooo sad right now. It was really hard. I had to leave the party.”

“What makes it so sad? R u serious? I want what I witnessed tonight with you! My side of the family constantly commented all weekend about “how lucky I was” Gag!”

“I’m so sad. I want to wear your ring. I feel helpless.”

“I’m not well right now.”

“It’s ok. I just can’t stop crying. I just love you very much.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

“I’m having the time of my life with you in my life!”

“After homework and dinner, helped Andrew sell and buy stocks last nite. You won’t believe it but I went to bed at 9. I just didn’t want to feel sad anymore so I slept.”

“You always know how to touch me. That got to my core. I love you.”

“I know I can’t see you during the week and this weekend is my running weekend. Can I see you for tea on Saturday morn? I miss u very much.”

“Chivalry is not dead! You’re a perfect gentleman and I think it’s sweet. I love that about you.”

“I love you too. I miss your bed. I miss kissing you. I miss being in your arms. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I miss your face. I especially miss your arms.”

“Two peas in a pod! Such a cliché but this time it truly has meaning.”

“Haven’t stopped thinking about our afternoon. You make me happy. I miss you very much.”

“Days get harder to get through now more than ever. I feel so close to you. It’s such a great feeling to be in love with you. Intoxicating.”

““Window ring dreaming?” Awww babe. I love that you tell me that. I wish…we do have the greatest time together! We are one for sure!”

“Just want you to know you’ve changed my life forever. It has been the best 10 months of my life. True love does exist. You made me a believer. I’ll watch the game with Andrew.”

“That was beautiful babe. Thank you. That makes me sad when you say you’re not my everything. You’re my everything in many ways.”

“I love you very much. You’re the only man in my dreams.”

“I wasn’t out looking for you. I fell in love with you. I want to be with you. I’m scared to death; I don’t want to hurt anyone. I will always love you.”

“I love you and yes I want to be with you. I dream of it every day and have real thoughts about telling my husband.”

“You want the truth? Here’s the truth. The truth is I was betrayed. I’m not happy but I’m there for the kids. Cheating is not rampant. Money does not equal happiness.”

“Thank you. I know it is. My stomach is in a knot. Mind is foggy. Can’t seem to catch my breath. Teary eyed. I guess I’m a mess too.”

“Good morning. How r u? Hope you had a nice evening. Walked in the rain again this morn. Naturally thought of you. Having a hard time. I really miss you.”

“It just loses its freshness, that’s all. I miss you terribly.”

“I know babe. It’s all about tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling. All the things we like!”

“I know but I can’t complain cuz I don’t work full time and it’s just my assumed role. Sorry for venting.”

“I know I make some noise sometimes.”

“Thx for understanding. I hauled ass today and haven’t stopped driving since 3:30 and won’t be done until baseball is over at 8:30. Gets old!”

“I just think maybe helping with one way or two would take a great load off my back especially this rain! OK I’m done. Sorry.”

“That’s pretty typical. I work out at 5 so I can stay looking decent and work all day till pick up. Then I have to handle homework and dinner in between!”

“He does play catch and practice with him, just not enough. I’m not protecting him and defending his actions. I’m protecting my kids. I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“I’m thankful for your support and love.”

“I miss u too. Sad.”

“Thinking of you.”

“Missing u terribly. Eyes are heavy. Want to cry,”

“I’m always with you in some shape or form.”

“You don’t even know how much I miss you.”

“Lonely without you.”

“I want to cry I miss you so much.”

“I love you so much. Dying inside.”

“I guess never say never. That’s all I have to hang on to. It’s my hope.”

“Thank you for loving me. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Passed out early from drinking and exhaustion but got up super early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Can’t imagine life without you.”

“I miss you. I miss us.”

“I’m so sorry. My heart is so broken. I miss you so much.”

“That’s because you’re a noble man.”

“I miss you every second and I will continue to miss you every second and will never leave me. Sorry.”

“It makes me cry a lot. I miss you.”

“I love you too. Makes me sad to think that one day you will stop writing about me. Makes me cry.”

“Can’t stop crying. I’m so sad.”

“I’m just So sad.”

“You made me fall in love with life again except don’t feel so alive right now.”

“Still missing you so much.”

“I miss you to death too. Idk, I have good days and bad days. I don’t have anything of yours to hold onto. Not even a picture. I read my saved texts when I’m sad.”

“I miss you like crazy. I want to see you so bad.”

“I miss looking into your eyes too. I miss everything.”

“I really love you.”

“I miss you more!”

“You’ve done nothing but to support me.”

“I love you forever. Please have me as a friend. I want to keep in contact. I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”

“I just broke down in front of my family. They don’t know why and I didn’t explain. I feel so lost. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

“I know. Thank u. It’s so hard. I so want to see you and hold you again. I can barely see my screen as I type b/c I can’t stop tearing up. I love you. Thank you for being there.”

“I love you very much. My soulmate.”

“I do because I love you forever and we’re one.”

“I think it was sweet of you. I’ll never forget it! No one has ever asked me to play a board game on a “date”. You’re the cutest ever!”

“Goodnight baby. I miss you terribly.”

“You’re here for a reason. The world would be a better place if more people were like you.”

“I want to fall asleep in your arms again. It felt so natural. I felt so safe in your arms.”

“I don’t trust him. I’m not in love with him. You call that choosing over you?”

“I miss you so much. Lovesick I am.”

“You’re my BF, my soulmate, my love…”

“I used to ask my husband for years to please take me to a book store after dinner to hang out for fun. We’ve only been two times together in 21 years. Hard to believe.”

“Idk why I thought of that. Maybe cuz I go often and I think about how much we have in common. I don’t think I’d have to beg you to take me to a bookstore.”

“I’m ok. Just know that I live and breathe you. U r close to my heart at all times. I will miss you every second. I love you forever.”

“I understand. I feel the same way from the other side. If I said I was dating a man to the relatively “normal” public, they would look at me like I’m crazy.”

“They don’t know my reasons why…”

“My nephew announced his engagement yesterday and I admit I was envious. I was happy for them but bummed me out at the same time. They seem so happy.”

“He is 22 and she is 24 with a child. The ex left her and the child. They are so in love. I couldn’t look at her ring b/c it truly represented love.”

“I want to wear your ring.”

“I’m just so sad.”

“I miss you so much.”

“Ha! I love it! I just meant it wouldn’t matter what it was made out of. I would just love to wear something of yours.”

“I’m touched. I’m so in love with you.”

“I agree. It’s totally disrespectful to check out somebody in front of the partner. “

“Pretty much. I’m emotionally taken by you.”

“No. They (the kids) usually don’t ask unless I’m upset or crying. I try to keep a happy face on for them. You can’t fault me for that.”

“Ok, I’ll tell you where I was coming from. I met my husband when I was 19 and insecure. He always checked out other girls and I just thought that was normal.”

“He checked them out in front of me and I accepted it b/c I didn’t want to be a nagging girlfriend. He never actually flirted but I did feel insecure b/c of that.”

“I just thought that was normal behavior b/c other guys do the same with me when they are with their partners. Of course, I don’t feel insecure anymore but it did suck.”

“Thank u babe. I agree that it was totally disrespectful and I resent it!”

“That’s very nice babe. I don’t feel insecure anymore. I simply don’t care. I miss u babe.”

“I miss u so f***in much! I’m so sad. Sorry goodnight again. I love you.”

“Idk if you remember, but you told me once that holding my hand, kissing, holding me, or just seeing me holds the same weight as making love to me.”

“You have no idea how much that has touched me. I don’t want to get into details but that just shows me you love me no matter what.”

“I miss u like crazy. I’m sad again babe.”

“Sorry big fight tonight. I’m fine. I’ll tell u tom. Goodnight.”

“I can’t help the fact I’m no longer in love with him. He chipped away at my heart for years. I’ve been hanging on for the kids. I have a lot of anger.”

“I know what you mean. I feel everything now too and can’t help but think of you when I listen to love songs or watch romantic movies.”

“I used to cry for the characters in the movie but now I cry b/c I feel for us.”

“If we were together, I believe we would last forever too. Yes, I have fear b/c I was betrayed and it’s hard to believe it would never happen to me again. Idk why.”

“Knowing what I know about you now, I have no doubt that you would never do that to me. Our love is mature and that’s what I love about it, no games.”

“Trusting your love is the easy part…”

“You’re right in that it’s wrong for a married woman to be cheating no matter how you justify it. I need to leave first before I see you and since I’m not ready, where do we stand?”

“Thank you for being my best friend. You’re my best friend too. You’re not responsible for how I feel about my situation. It’s just the way it has been and still is.”

“The best day ever!”

“We had three mini dates! We were perfectly happy just to meet! How lucky we both are to have found something so beautiful! I love you!”

“Me too. I love that our feelings for each other are so mutual. I think you felt every bit of happiness I felt each time we got together on Saturday. It was precious.”

“It was! I had the best time! I love you Landyn!”

“Just hugged Suki, wishing I was hugging you.”

“Glad you had a good day! Suki is sick of me! She tried to get away a couple of times but I wouldn’t let her. Poor baby Suki. I miss you babe.”

“I would love you so much you would get sick of my closeness!”

“There must be something about Seattle. I wonder why Seattle is mentioned so many times in movies and songs. Would love to visit and find out.”

“I imagine Seattle to be a romantic city.”

“I want to go to Seattle with you.”

“I know it makes me sad. And mad.”

“Good morning! Idk if I can say I’d die for you because of my children. If I only had you I’d feel differently. It’s not that I’m a girl, it’s that I’m a mom.”

“I hope what I said doesn’t bum you out. It’s just the way it is. I’d sacrifice anything for my kids. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you to death. You’re my hope…”

“You can count on me for a kidney as long as my other kidney will sustain me to take care of my kids.”

“Light rain baby.”

“I love you!”

“It was nice to see you yesterday. I always feel like you’re holding back. True?”

“Why scared?”

“I think it took a lot for you to open up to me and I was touched. Thank you for talking to me. You should know me by now. I love all of you.”

“I’m glad you shared and got it off your chest. Don’t be embarrassed. I love you and it doesn’t bother me at all.”

“I feel empty.”

“You haven’t left my mind.”

“I know you’d never hurt anyone. Your heart is pure.”

“I know I said I didn’t want to talk to you right now. I haven’t stopped loving you and caring about you. I’ve been crying all day. Don’t text me back, just hope you’re ok.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that. Yes, I have to be there for her. I won’t get into what upset me so much. Just know that I love you very much and I know you’re my soulmate.”

“Good morning. Thank you for the texts. It is very sad but for the best. I feel hollow.”

“I miss you very much.”

“It’s me. Just want to say hi and you’re in my thoughts 24/7. Don’t text me back – too hard.”

“You’re my best friend too. It hurts.”

“I asked Andrew what he wanted for his Bday and he said “my family” looking right at me with big brown eyes. I don’t expect you to understand but what is a mother to do?”

“Thank u. I appreciate that. This is the Landyn I fell in love with.”

“Sorry got busy and didn’t get home till after midnight. Wiped out. I didn’t realize you felt that way about my kids. You love the complete me. You’re a special man.”

“You never leave my mind.”

“I’m sad. Still crying. Can’t help it. Have to clean up before I see my Dad.”

“The thought of never speaking or seeing you ever again in this life time is beyond scary.”

“I’m crying. I can’t help it.”

“You’re a beautiful person. I hope you learn to love yourself b/c there is no other like you. You’re very special and I’m thankful.”

“Babe you have sooo much going for yourself – looks, smarts, personality, kind heart, profession! It’s my loss.”

“Good! I’m ok just leaving to visit a friend in hosp. I know it’s too soon but I was kinda hoping you’d go to SF this weekend. Not trying to mess with your head.”

“It was nice to be in your arms again.”

“I miss you more than ever. Haven’t stopped thinking about our weekend, especially dinner. You looked so cute and I loved having dinner with you.”

“This is a very hard time for me. I struggle b/c we’re not together and I miss you so much. After your texts on Sunday, I swore to myself that I couldn’t talk to you.”

“My bad feelings after your texts just melt away when I think of our weekend. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m on the fence and anything can set me off.”

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.”

All these words that came from you over nearly two years, I feel, are my legitimate purpose and provide proof there is absolutely no threat, nor was there ever a threat made to you or anyone else that would make them feel a fear for their safety. I know you told me that “I’m going to stay so why tell him?”. These words from you, your very own, are the reasons why. I’ve not only read and heard these words everyday for nearly two years, I’ve felt them too, and I believed every one of them completely. You told me these things for a reason, and I fell deeply in love with you because of them. All these words together, all the tears you and I have both cried, all the happiness our love brought us, and all the times we shared together, added up to far greater than anything else you could’ve ever told me on the last day we communicated with each other. All the moments I ever shared with you were simply the best times of my life by far because of you. All the good times stand out above all the bad times to me because they were the best times of my life. Not only were you my love and my best friend, you’re also a wonderful mother. I’m sorry, but I am in love with you. What came with my love, part of the deal, is caring about your happiness and I knew you were the happiest when you were with me. You told me you’re happy when your kids are happy, and I truly know you mean that, but I feel being and staying in your situation would not allow you to truly feel that way because there was happiness missing from your life when I met you. You cried on the phone the last day we spoke for a reason—I feel it was pure sorrow. You even told me you would now “suffer forever”. Not only are you unhappy but you even described it as “suffering”. After all you shared with me, all you ever gave me, and all you ever told me, I had to fight for your happiness because I knew you would be too scared to fight for it yourself. You asked me one night if I would fight for you, and when I told you I would, I meant it. I feel you told me this because you knew (1) you would let fear of the unknown make your decision for you. (2) he would “fight” as well. It’s why you’re still there. I feel you were severely unhappy to fall in love with me because I know your heart is always in the right place. I feel it’s been in the right place for 12 years too long though. I just could not be trusted with the things that hurt you simply because I love you. Just like I could not trust you with my pain, and the things that hurt me because you love me (you would let me go). You couldn’t trust me with your complaints because I love you. If you complain of chest pains, and tell me about it, I’m calling 911, not remaining in silence to protect a lie. I saw your marriage hurt you and it hurt me to see you hurting. It was simply the reason why I was in your life. It hurt me to hear you say “I hate my life”. It hurt me to hear you say “I’m so sad”. It hurt me to hear you say “I miss you terribly”. It hurt to hear you say “I feel so helpless”. It hurt to hear and see you cry. It hurt to hear you say “I feel sick to my stomach”. It hurt to see you take a long trip just to spend 20-30 minutes with me just so you could feel a little bit of love and happiness in your life. It hurt me to know you were at home stressed and managing the household while he was at work on the internet trying to find ways to end your “everything”, and your “happiness” believing your unhappiness and a need to feel truly loved was a great injustice to your kids. It hurt to see you drink your hurt away to deal with the pain. It hurt to see you pretend. It hurt to see you struggle. It hurt to hear you say “I’m just a simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life”. It hurt to see you going to sleep early and shutting down on everyone just so the day would end as soon as possible. It hurt to see you not look forward to and truly enjoy Andrew’s baseball games because of the “witch”. It hurt to see you stressed out. It hurt to see a wonderful person and mother being watched by him like a hawk. Your pain became my pain as well. I hurt, you hurt. You hurt, I hurt. That never changed no matter what we went through together. My feelings for you and my desire to be with you only grew stronger because of the pain you felt by not being with me, made me hurt as well. I didn’t want those things for you, especially for anyone’s sake and I simply could not support a marriage that hurts you because I truly love you. I care about your present and future well-being. I feel for the most part this has been a 12-year struggle of unhappiness for you. I felt if you were truly happy, your kids would only benefit from it. If I didn’t know and feel so much, I’d probably feel differently. I feel all the things you told me, including painting a bad picture of him to me, was a cry for understanding and I wasn’t serving my purpose being in your life by just sitting on the sidelines hoping to be put into a game I’m already in, knowing day in and day out, you’re hurting. “Suck it up” in a workout for an hour after a workout is one thing, but having to “suck it up” for an entire lifetime is extremely unrealistic and grossly unfair. I feel no one should have to “suck it up” in a marriage considering what you’ve been through. How could you expect me to want that for you for the rest of your days when I’m truly in love with you? I just feel there’s the general unhappiness that people can live with, and then there’s the unselfish unhappiness that I feel is unhealthy due to anger you refuse to resolve—and shouldn’t have to resolve because of his betrayals. I was protective of you at all times and still am. All because you’re a “mom”, doesn’t mean you’re not important and not deserving of all the happiness in the world, too. In fact, I feel a mother is the most important person in the family because a mother needs to hold love and happiness in her heart, not carry anger and resentment, because of her role as nurturer since the very day her children are born. I knew and felt too much from you to want this kind of life for you. I wanted you to enjoy life again. I dreamt of it. I dreamt of helping you clean up around the house. I dreamt of taking the kids places so you wouldn’t have to. I dreamt of playing catch with Andrew and taking him to the cages. I dreamt of helping them with their homework. I dreamt of helping you cook, although I must admit this probably would create more work for you. I dreamt of helping you with the shopping, not the buying part, but the carrying part. I dreamt of helping you manage the properties. I wanted to save you from killing yourself so you had more of yourself to give to others, including your kids, family (your mom, dad and brothers) and to yourself. You matter too because you mattered to me more than anyone ever has. Those were my wishes, hopes and dreams as much as the fun things were. I dreamt of helping you in every way you wanted me to help in order to make a better life for you. I feel if you had me in your life, you would’ve been able to concentrate on everything else better. Wanting to be with you was not asking you to give up your kids for us, but just asking you give up the reason and source of your unhappiness—your marriage to him. I wanted you to not just like where you’re at in life, but absolutely love where you’re at in life. Life is too short and all the money in the world could never be enough to buy lost time. I didn’t feel that a mother wanting and having a better, less stressful life was being selfish or an act of betraying your kids because you were betrayed and it greatly affected you. I want you to live long enough to enjoy your grandkids one day. There are people who should feel selfish and who should feel like they’ve betrayed their kids due to their transgressions, like Tiger Woods, but I feel I was all the evidence in the world that this was a need because of how you feel and what you’ve been through. If anything, without our problems, I’m certain our love would have made you a better mother because it made you a better person. Please don’t hate me for falling in love with you and caring about your happiness. I know you don’t trust me after what I’ve done to hurt you, but from all the tears you have cried and all the “I miss you’s, “I love you’s, and the “I hate my life’s, I heard over nearly a 2 year span, I just couldn’t walk away from that because I knew you weren’t letting me go for yourself but only because you feel others would be disappointed in you. The problem is they don’t know your struggle, but I do. I believe by being with me and telling me the things you did, you created a crisis in your marriage so you could have a way out. You chose the right guy for that, a guy who respects the pain in your heart because he’s been there too. If nothing else, I feel that was my purpose in your life and I wasn’t doing you any favors by just quietly walking away. I wanted to see you happy in your life because this was not about being selfish but fulfilling a need (See Maslow). If I thought your kids would suffer in this life, I would’ve never fought for it or wished for it too, and neither would you have shed a single tear over it. If he didn’t know who I was and he never betrayed you, I would’ve walked away from this even after nearly 2 years because from the beginning I knew the true score, but how could I possibly do that after all I heard, knew and felt? How could I just walk away? No one’s wife, especially someone I love dearly, should be going through what you go through every day. I think you would’ve done the same for me. I wanted that simple life for you. I felt living the way you live everyday was over and beyond a mother’s sacrifice. He promised to “honor and cherish” you forever—from all I know, he didn’t even come close. This wasn’t about him being a bad person. I know he’s not a bad person. This was about him being a bad husband. I may be loyal to a fault at times, but I could not sit here and just let him manipulate you into thinking you’re a bad mother and that you betrayed your kids because you fell in love with someone who truly honored you with no hidden agendas. I truly love you for YOU. I would be faithful and respectful to you, not because of a growing business or jointly owned properties or a campaign run, but because I love you for YOU. All I would need from you was your love. That’s why you are in love with me forever. That’s why I’m the only one who can use the word “beautiful” to describe you and it meant something. I feel he has marketed and branded your marriage for business purposes to people and not for love. I believe that’s what your marriage really is and it’s why you fell in love with me, an idealist just like you. That is why you were drawn to me. There were no strings attached with my love. You wanted something real, with no hidden agendas and client dinners. It was a special bond and friendship founded on mutual respect, love and trust. Three fundamental things you were promised when you agreed to marry him. God would’ve never given us our brand of love if it was a bad thing. Regardless of your situation and two kids, God sent you to me, me to you and our love to us because it was pure, good and right. I couldn’t just walk away especially with him knowing you and I had a ‘relationship”. He took the initiative to find out who I was, which was fine, I understand, he's trying to protect his assets (something I could care less about), but I couldn’t let him have the audacity after what he has put you through to make you feel guilty about this in anyway. I feel you’ve been honest with him about the way you felt. You told him you were no longer in love with him. This was bound to happen and if anything, I feel, he should feel guilty for knowing this as long as he did and letting it manifest itself into what it is today. He could tell you he loves you all day long, but that’s not being in love with someone after you’ve cheated on them. I feel he’s just acknowledging it’s “cheaper to keep her” and I know you know that. How could I possibly want that for you and support you to stay after all I know and all I feel? I wanted you to have a love that’s real for the first time in your life. You fell in love with me for the right reasons because our love was true and you were supposed to be given that from him. If anyone has betrayed their kids, he did. He was responsible for the way you felt and he allowed you to feel the way you did. In this life, your thoughts eventually become your actions. In my humble opinion, he was the one who truly betrayed the kids and I wasn’t going to let him make you carry the guilt because you loved someone who truly honored, loved and respected you. He had no right to make you feel guilty about our love. He could try to get me for harassment and stalking because I know he would lose. This was love and not a physical obsession or a “fatal attraction”. I’d take a bullet for you still and that’s just a loving protective gesture, and that’s as fatal as it gets. Our love was the real deal and he would make a huge mistake if ever tried anything litigiously. I really believe him and his lawyer would be laughed out of the courtroom by the judge. It’s just a “scare” tactic he’s using to try and get more information out of me to use against you so he can trap you forever if you ever did try to leave just to pursue happiness, and I would never allow that to happen. I just don’t want you to worry about anything. I’d rather people call me a “home wrecker” and pass their judgments down on me than have someone say anything bad about you. They can say what they want and think about me. I’ve spent most of my life proving people wrong. I know my heart was in the right place because it was with you. What we shared was wholesome in this situation and something you needed and deserved. I would never allow him to make you look bad in anyway. I know what his FB account is all about and I’d never give him that power. Those are the things you could always trust me with. I know what having our love meant to you. I had felt it and seen it many times. You are too loving and too good of a person to hold anger and resentment in your heart for anyone, especially for someone you reside under the same roof with. My birthday taught me all I needed to know about the goodness of your heart, how much you loved me, how much I meant to you, and what he’s done to make you feel the way you do. I want you to feel love in your heart forever even if I’m not the one you love and that hurts a lot for me to say. As much as I wish it was me, I truly believe the Universe brought me in your life to get all the love and beauty out of you to feel someday. You are the most loving person I know and I don’t want Katie and Andrew to think you’re unloving in any way. I feel it’s important for them to know their Mom is one of the most, if not the most loving person in this world and her heart is one of the very few things right in a world that is so wrong most of the time. I don’t think the Universe would have brought me, of all people, in your life, make if feel so right under the circumstances, and allow you to fall in love with me unless it was a good thing and unless it was the right thing regardless of the circumstances. I strongly believe this.

I know you think I’m this angry person who did things out of malice but I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of sharing any intimate or specific details about us with him. All I wanted him to know from me was (1) why I was in his life and that (2) you were in love with me. When you told me everything that went down, all I asked you was “Did you tell him you were in love with me?”. You said “Yes, I had to” and that was really all I wanted him to know. I know I sound like a broken record, and maybe even nails on a chalkboard, but I don’t know where to begin or how to say how sorry I am for all the things I said that brought you anger, fear or tears. I was extremely hurt, confused and overwhelmed with feelings I’ve never felt before. The pain and hurt was so great at times, it felt like someone was stabbing me. When someone stabs you, you tend to yell and not ask why you’re getting stabbed. I was blinded by it and I reacted negatively. I never realized how complex the emotion of love in this situation could be. My past experiences with women certainly didn’t help much that’s for sure, and I’m sorry I never sought therapy for those residual anger/betrayal/trust issues of mine I unknowingly still held until we started having problems understanding each other. The therapy sessions have helped me tremendously. That’s why this letter could not be an attempt to “get back together” unless you were to leave. I’ve come too far to hurt that much again even though I love you more than I ever did. I know I didn’t act normal at times but I hope you can please recognize this was not a normal situation. If we didn’t have such strong feelings of love for each other, we wouldn’t have been so angry at each other. You had every right to be mad at me. There’s nothing that you could say that would make me feel better either because I know you’d just say it was ok so I wouldn’t feel bad. I just really wished I had been able to really listen to you, the way you needed me to, but it was impossible at the time. I should’ve known your heart was always in the right place—it always has been. The bottom line is this, it was impossible for the situation of great restraint to contain all our feelings for eachother to stay together. If it was a purely physical relationship based on lust instead of love, I think it could have survived within the situation, but it was love. The situation just would never allow us the time we needed to freely communicate to where we both could feel safe and find the comfort we needed in order to resolve how we were feeling. We both live busy and stressful lives. I just had more time on my hands when I came home from work. I couldn’t really talk to you when I needed to because of the kids so any bad feelings I held onto, I would have to wait for an appropriate time to discuss with you and by the time I did, they were so great and painful, I would say ridiculous things to you. I know it was tough on you, too. You really did an incredible job dealing with me. I have to give you a lot of credit for that. I know I told you “what makes you think I want to be with you now?” the last day we spoke on the phone but it was a lot of hurt talking. I’m sure you probably feel that way about me but just know I will always want to be with you. The only time we felt safe with each other was when we were together or somewhere close enough where we could be together if we wanted to. It became a need to love you. You became a need in my life. I couldn’t live with you being and staying with him because of all I knew. I just couldn’t be trusted with the things that have hurt you, and that’s the truth only because I love you. I hope one day you will understand. You could make fun and belittle my broken heart all you want but it wasn’t your typical broken heart, but a broken soul. We shared a special love and bond. There were so many wishes, hopes and dreams. You were the best friend I ever had and you were the only one who ever truly loved me. I have literally dreamt of meeting someone like you my entire life and I actually met someone better. I fell in love with your kids, Suki, and your mother, even though I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to get the honor of meeting them. I fell in love with Carolyn and Debbie too. For me, this was much more than just losing you. I also fell in love with everything around you as well however I wouldn’t have wanted you to be with me because I was hurt. I would’ve only wanted you to be with me because you were truly in love with me and truly wanted to be with me, and that’s why I let my masculine pride get in the way. I never wanted to give you any pressure whatsoever or even the slightest guilt, but over time it became something I couldn’t stop, just like us falling in love. I really tried to not let your indecision about us affect me, but it did. I really tried to let it roll off, and continue to be noble, not just for you but also for your kids, but it overwhelmed me. In the movie, “The Time Traveler’s Wife”, she was mad at him because he kissed her which made her fall in love with him. She was mad at him because she didn’t know he was going to die, and leaving her alone in agony one day. He knew this information and chose not to tell her. When she realized he did know, she got very angry with him for it, but he countered with “It was your choice”. She then told him “No. I didn’t have a choice”. That’s exactly how I felt about us. The day you looked into my eyes with all the love in the world, the night our lips truly met for the first time, and the day you told me everything about your unhappiness, I didn’t have a choice either than to fall so in love with you. Not just for an hour, a day, or a month, or a year, but for a lifetime—you’re forever embedded in me. That’s what I’m up against. I tried to be noble about it. I never wanted you to know what I went through (a lot more than you know), but I just really began to lose the fight against myself as what you told me on Yom Kippur tore me apart. I just didn’t understand how our love, a love “based on tea, soups, books, rain, candles, cuddling, and eachother” could make you feel like you betrayed your kids and that you sinned. I now understand why. It was my fault you really didn’t understand how I felt and I didn’t listen to what you were telling me. It just killed me when you told me that and I felt there was just something you weren’t telling me. I was desperate. On top of my broken heart, I was hurting because of everything else going on in my life too. I lost my livelihood (job) and I was losing my mother on top of losing my life (you). It just all added to my frustration and I started to feel hopeless. I even couldn’t get out of bed or look for work to start rebuilding my life again.

I know you think I’m “the biggest liar you know”, but I told you every single feeling I ever had, good and bad. I am so sorry I broke my promises, but it was like making you a promise that if I was ever shot with a gun I would never feel pain from it, and that’s an impossible promise to keep for anyone. I never intended to break any promise I ever made to you, but I had no idea my emotions wouldn’t allow me to keep my word. I’m the kind of person to stand up for the things I believe in and more than anything I really believed in our love. I should have all the freedom in the world to defend the people I love if I need to, otherwise I’d just go bat shit crazy because it’s instinctual to defend you to others because I love you. I know I hurt you terribly with the things I said but it was hard for me to see why you let me go because of all the pain and frustration I felt. It was a ton of pain talking. I never wanted nor did I ever intend to hurt you. I died the day you left my life—the day your name disappeared from my BB Messenger. I know you think I have a chance at love again, but I guess you will never understand. For me, it’s about the person I’m in love with, not just being in love, and there’s only one you. That’s why I would always want to be with you. I’m just going to concentrate on my writing and my career (starting my own practice, another 9-5 job, and perhaps teaching) from this day forward. I just can’t get it right and I can’t afford to fall again and have things not work out and lose everything I worked for. I’m just going to get lost in the things I want to get accomplished personally and professionally. I have no desire to meet anyone. I don’t think love is worth the pain you feel at my age. Love is meant for other people to feel now. This was my last chance just because I put a lot of myself into my relationships and I don’t know how I’d find the time now. If there is a possibility of that, it will be 3-5 years from now when I feel completely secure with everything, if ever at all. I know you think you took two years of my life but I also gave you those two years as well. You never held a gun to my head.

Just so you’re aware, I saw the profile picture of you and him on your FB account. I only mention it because that was that kind of picture I had in my head whenever I struggled. I’m not questioning your love for me by mentioning I saw the picture, but this was the only thing that brought me pain, and the more feelings I had for you, the more that same kind of picture became real in my head, and the harder it was for me to tuck away my emotions and save them for a later date to be discussed. This is also why I had such a hard time listening to you. The more we fell in love with eachother, the more experiences we shared, the more I got to know you and your pain, the more I began to see this kind of picture in my mind, and it’s why I lost my patience and why I would question if you were “truly” I love with me. If you could for a moment, please try to put yourself in my shoes and it’s me telling you “I’m not in love with my wife” and “I don’t trust her” and she “cheated on me” and then one day you see a picture of us together like this. Throw in all the words you told me that I included in this letter and ask yourself, would you be able to put all your trust in me? You once asked me “Did you not hear anything I ever said and did you not feel everything I have ever given?”. Yes, I did—everyday. When I take that into account, that’s why I struggled so much. I know it’s just a picture—everyone smiles in pictures. I’m sure this doesn’t show how you truly feel inside because I know what you did and do feel inside however this was the mental picture that would crush me the more time passed without you being able to at least make me a promise to be together. It wasn’t fair to me, you, or us, to equate making a promise to be with me, after leading me here, as akin to hurting your kids—that’s not right. This is why I felt you broke my heart. Your love for me was a unique gift, the way you loved me was so beautiful, but this was the only reason why it felt like it wasn’t because if you stayed, it felt like you hurt me on purpose. You once told me “I wish you were psycho” and I always wondered why you told me that. At times, I began to think the reason you loved me so much was so I would go crazy and therefore leave you with a legitimate reason in your eyes to let me go—that’s just how it felt at times. I know you told me I knew your situation from the beginning, but my feelings were not the same as they were on the day we met—we became one person. My feelings grew because of all we shared together. Though I never had an actual picture to draw any wild conclusions and form my own truths from, this was the kind of thing I saw in my mind and it’s all I really struggled with because you chose to be there. A picture like this, one I saw in my head though, is why it felt like you were choosing him over me. This is why I took “jabs” because thinking about this was like getting stabbed. I only grew out of character because my love grew for you and the more it grew, the more I struggled with the picture inside my head. When you would tell me “I don’t want you to think we’re getting back together” a picture like this one would pop inside of my head and it would lead me to get really upset with you. It would never allow me to accept that were staying just for the sake of the kids. I felt because of my past heartbreaks, that you were telling me it was for the kids because you didn’t want to hurt me and it was the easy way out. If I were to even question that, it would make it seem like I was a horrible person who never understood. It just felt like the perfect excuse to me only because of my past experiences with women. I’m not saying “the kids” wasn’t a huge reason. I know it was a real reason but my self-esteem issues would kick in and never allow me to feel it was the real reason, even though I always knew how much you worried about your kids. I’ve had experience with heartbreak before, and though I’m sure I was wrong to feel this way because I knew how much you loved me, I naturally and instinctively drew from those prior experiences. I imagined a picture like this being displayed proudly in your home, and it just killed me after all we shared. It made me angry why I was even allowed to be in your life for a single day if this picture could possibly still grace a wall in your home. It was always the things I didn’t know that I questioned, and never the things you told me or made me aware of. I saw the look in your eyes when I asked you if you still slept with him. I know you didn’t want to tell me because you were afraid to lose me, but you told me the truth. It showed your character even at such an inappropriate time when I chose to ask you the question, but that was my fault entirely. That wasn’t easy for you, I know. I know you told me I wasn’t responsible for the way you felt about your situation, but I still wouldn’t have wanted to come in between this no matter how beautiful I thought you were or how great our connection was, unless you truly couldn’t live with his betrayal anymore, and not because you met me, but because it was a struggle before you met me. I felt you convinced me that the marriage was truly beyond repair due to his infidelities. When I let you go in June ‘07’, I hoped that you could work your issues out with him, but when you told me 5 months later you still felt the same and that I had broken your heart, I felt there was something very special about us worth pursuing and you communicated to me that you didn’t want to work on your marriage. I really believed you when you told me “no one would want to be with a divorcee with baggage”. I really believed your self-worth was that low due the betrayal and still being there was a kid related issue. This was why I was willing to endure so much and understand it. I just trusted this was a real problem in your marriage. If you thought you had to live with it because no man would want to be with a divorcee who has kids, I could easily prove to you that you were wrong if someone truly loved you, like I do. This is the honest truth though, more than anything in this world, even at the cost of my own happiness, I wanted you to be happy again and if my feelings didn’t grow so much for you so I could remain patient and not pressure you, I would’ve done it just so you were happy, but I couldn’t restrain my pain. It shattered my heart to see you stay with him because of all I knew. If I was “in lust” with you, I could’ve easily held on, but I would never have pursued this for anything less than love—I’m not that type of man. I didn’t know what I was up against either simply because I’ve never been truly in love before. The kind of love where you want to see the one you love every day—the kind of love where your heart beats out of your chest every time you do. I have dreamt of a love like ours for a long time in my life. I dreamt of someone telling me all the words you ever said to me. I dreamt of someone looking at me the way you did. The anticipation that I may just find that kind of love one day got me out of bed every morning. Then I had my heart broken a few times and I just stopped believing. I didn’t want to fool myself anymore, but then I met you and started to believe again more than ever. It was just more depressing for me because I’ve waited my entire life for this. You told me you have an “inexperienced heart” and I feel this was mostly because you never dreamt of love like I did. I think maybe it was because of the issues you had as a little girl. I think about why you check the “female” box and although we joked about it a lot, maybe I shouldn’t have because those issues may have held you back from being with me. I feel he resolves those issues for you and because of that you’re able to stay for the kids and even still share the same bed regardless of his thoughtless transgressions. I don’t think these issues are important to you personally like they used to be, but I think they still take up residence inside you. I know I filled a need in your life emotionally and I know having my love meant everything in the sense there were no strings attached. If you’ve ever dreamt of falling in love like I have, then I think we’d be together. One of the reasons I would take shots at him (example: call him a “creep”) was to see if you would defend him. To your credit, you never really did even though you did call me a “creepy guy”. I know you were just trying to get under my skin though because I hurt you. I deserved that jab, and I’m sorry. I guess I just come from the school of thought that if you are in love with someone, you wouldn’t sleep with someone else and when you are in love with someone, nothing matters because you believe things will work out for the best—because of the person you’re in love with. I know you were only 19 when you met him. I think about that I don’t think you really knew who you were or what was really important to you until you were older and wise enough to know. I understand money doesn’t mean much to you personally anymore and I know it’s only meant to give your kids the best you can, because if it did mean as much, you wouldn’t have risked it all and fell in love with me. I’m glad you learned that about yourself through me. I wish I had something (a life other than myself) or someone (kids) to help buffer the pain and craziness I felt, but you were my life. I know you felt I should just let you go if I felt this way but the problem is this; everything you told me I included in this letter, I believed in. I wanted to believe everything you told me was true. Even when I had doubts, I really trusted your words and in your pain. It is so hard to walk away from that because (1) I’m truly in love with and care about you. (2) I’ve already shared so much with you. (3) I totally believed everything you told me. (4) I truly believed you would do nothing to hurt me, and (5) I couldn’t stomach the thought of living without you. I really believed you would tell him about us because our love was pure. What kind of ugly details could I have possibly given to him about our love other than the pure beauty of it? I just wasn’t prepared that if you fell deeply in love with me that you would consider staying after all you’ve gone through and felt. In my experience, women have been less than honest with me and I still carried those issues with me. I was only trying to protect my heart, why I asked for brutal honesty even if it hurt me, when I would ask for details, but I also understand why you wouldn’t give them to me. I put you in a real tough spot—you didn’t want to lose me and you were afraid I might get crazy on you. I always understood your stance with the kids but this picture in my mind haunted me and brought with it too much pain to completely embrace that, yet because I wanted to believe you were being honest with me, I tried to fight how it made me feel. I guess I felt even if he were to cheat again, because you have already taken the “mothers sacrifice anything for their kids” stance so you didn’t hurt your kids and feared they would hate you, that you would still stay. Wouldn’t that possibly hurt your kids and wouldn’t they hate you that way too if you told him it was over if he cheated again? That’s why I think you’re just afraid and I felt if he knew you were in love with me, it just might give you the strength to tell him the truth; that “this doesn’t make us even” because you found something very special. Your anger is real and I don’t think it should be resolved for anyone’s sake.

The more I fell in love with you, the more a picture of you and him would pop into my head. I never hid from you how much I was in love with you and you told me you were in love with me, and not him nearly every day. The pain you feel sharing someone with the one you are deeply in love with is excruciating and I’m sorry it led me to act immaturely. I just felt that if you couldn’t tell him that you were in love with me, it was the only time you weren’t being “courageous” during our relationship. This was not about evening the score with him because you fell in love with me and you weren’t looking for it—something very magical happened. I wanted you to tell him you were in love with me because that was the woman I fell in love with. The one who had the courage to approach me. The one who has the courage to meet me, even at times it truly risked everything. The one who had the courage to love me with their heart and soul. The one who had the courage to come see me even if he stayed home from work and you thought he was suspecting. The one who had the courage to never break a promise to me. That’s the courageous woman I fell in love with. By lacking the courage to tell him you were in love with me, I felt you were out of character, so I lost trust in your true feelings for me, and this picture would pop in my head, time and time again, and then I’d get out character too. I know you were deathly afraid to hurt your kids, but I guess I hoped you would have summoned the courage to know our love for eachother would never have allowed that to ever happen. My outbursts appeared to you as anger, but in actuality it was sadness and I know your anger was too. I know the courage is there. You had the courage not because you were seeking love, but because you knew you found something real and you felt you were deserving of it, and you are. You felt the “love” you received from him was not genuine and that is important to you. I felt by being honest with him about you being in love with me just might give you the courage to take a huge step toward happiness. I would love for you to have the courage to show your children how important having love, trust and respect in a marriage is one day so they will have the courage the have the same in their lives too. To me, that is the greatest thing you could ever give to both Katie and Andrew because all the money in the world could never buy them that.

Anytime we were together, I felt so much love from you. It was all encompassing and powerful. You always loved me with so much thoughtfulness. You loved me with everything I found beautiful in you—what made it feel like a unique gift. I do know this though, our love just proved to me that in a marriage, it always comes back to being and falling in love with someone for who they are and not for what they have or what they can give. Without that kind of love, it doesn’t matter what you have or what you have accomplished because you need that kind of love in a marriage, based on the right things to avoid losing or risking the loss of those things. That’s what is most important. Even though I was hurt by it, I’m proud of you for falling in love with me and trying to get away from living a false existence and for trying to resolve your past issues. I know now why you told me I changed you forever. I’m proud of you for not wanting your marriage to be marketed and branded like a product for business. I’m proud of you for knowing what a ring should truly stand for. I’m proud of you for trying to be true to yourself by falling in love with me for the right reasons—I think you know what matters more than anything else now. I understand you wanted and needed to feel truly loved—you always will be. I know you wanted to be happy—a need we both wanted. I’m just happy I was able to give you that. I think the only person you ended up betraying in the end was yourself. I think you’ll realize this when the kids are old enough to move out and it’s just you and him at home. If anything, you wanted to be honest with them and teach them an important lesson in life. I feel a valuable lesson that would’ve made them stronger people and prepared them for life. I felt the Universe, or God, was on your side on this one because of the kind of man and person I am, and the love we found in eachother. I would have taken a back seat to them and would’ve been very understanding of everything and friendly to everyone. If it’s all about them having the best things in life, then I’m probably not the right man for that because I can’t contribute to teaching them that having the best things in life is what life is all about, even though I would really want them to have the best things in life. I’ve learned to deal with adversity throughout my life and it’s about making the best of your situation and I guess I feel that’s what made me perfect for this. I know I could’ve made them better, stronger, and smarter people in this life because of what I’ve been through. Not that I came from a poor family, but I had to work hard for everything and also had to learn to make sacrifices. I would always be there for them if they ever needed me. I would’ve never undermined anything you did with them, been supportive of your rearing, and loved them like my own. I would’ve been there for them if and when they would need me. I think everyone would have eventually realized why you fell so in love with me and chose to be happy.

More than anything else though, more than being upset about a picture in my head I should’ve never seen, what hurt me the most is I wanted to show you how much I love you. I’m a nurturer—learned it from my mom. It’s just not in my DNA to be so in love with someone and not be able to express it freely. What you did for my birthday was unexpected, greatly appreciated, and it threw me off enough to blow it with you. I will never forget all you did and all the thoughtfulness you put into each gift. The image of you retrieving the bags from your car will live with me forever. I’m not used to anyone giving me what you did and at least not being able to freely return the favor. For the first time I felt someone truly loved me. It just makes me so sad. I wish I could have been your friend forever but we were much more than that. You told me I was your soulmate and you’re truly mine. I would always feel there was hope for us and the pressure would never stop because I’m in love with you. Also, I wanted to be in your life without hiding. I felt our love or even any aspect of our relationship was not worthy of that because it was pure and it was true—we were best friends. We didn’t meet and have sex in parking lots or cheap hotels. Our love was beautiful. It was given to us by something greater than us and that’s why it felt so natural and right. We held eachother more times than we ever made love to eachother. We both laid our phones close to our hearts (Well, I had an even surface to work with) when we laid down in our beds in anticipation of hearing from one another. As long as we were together, in any shape or form, it didn’t matter what we did—there were no hidden agendas. Being with you made me feel safe. If I couldn’t kiss you because of a cold sore, I could always still hold you in my arms. Holding you hand was always a proud moment for me. Everything we ever did together carried equal weight in my heart. I felt that’s a love you fight for, especially when you consider you were betrayed. It’s the way love is supposed to be. My heart was beyond broken especially when you told him we were “just friends” because of the purity of our love. It was best friend love and I felt it was special enough to be honest about. I understand why you didn’t want to tell him when he surprised you with it a year ago, but I thought after San Francisco and Facebook that it was time to be honest. It was only natural for me to question things because of the picture in my head. You told me I wasn’t responsible for the way you felt about your marriage and I learned from listening to you that it seemed like your unhappiness was a personal internal struggle at least since Andrew was born. I remember you told me the story of Jackson’s best friend asking you to take a chance with him. If his best friend would do that to him, it made me not like him as your husband even more because he must have known something about him to do such a thing. The writing was written with a Sharpie on the wall before you married him as well. He told me he used to check out girls in front of you and I could only have imagined what he probably did when you weren’t around if he had the audacity to do that. Did he stop doing that because of how it made you feel or the fear of you leaving and talking half his net worth with you? I have listened to you, and thought anyway, that the unhappiness in your marriage had been a 12 year struggle—I didn’t want you to struggle anymore. I have read Katie’s letter a number of times and I kept in mind her words “change is necessary for growth”, and she couldn’t have been more right. I just couldn’t believe you couldn’t see the truth in her words—the necessary change you needed for growth. There’s no doubt in my mind that you needed a change in your life—to be with someone who makes you a better person. I couldn’t let you go because I know you’re a better person with me. I’ve asked several of my married friends if they’ve ever told their wives, even as a joke, that they would trade them in for two 20-year-olds when they turned 40, and they looked at me as if I was nuts. How could he even dare to say something like that to you especially after he cheated no less? His arrogance and narcissism seem to be off the charts. It shouldn’t have taken me in your life for him to feel repentance for his infidelities. I felt he should’ve told you “I’d lose an arm if I could change things” when you found out he cheated on you, not when he suspected you were seeing me. I don’t think people like him really change, and if he did, his past history and social tendencies will never allow you to trust him. Is he faithful because he is in love with you or because he’s afraid to lose that wholesome family owned business and political image that generates his net worth? He even told you that you could have the business but he would fight for the kids. I mention this only because the last day we spoke, you told me “He wouldn’t allow it”. Now I see why you felt running away was your only option. I think this was a ploy to scare you to stay because he knew exactly how you felt about the kids. He's just protecting his net worth and that’s why he’s willing to accept a “roommate” situation. I understand what you’re going through and you’re not in love with him. I’m sorry it took so long for me to get all of this. I just don’t feel he’s good for you anymore because you’ve outgrown him—you know what’s most important in life. You do control your own destiny and I felt him knowing you’re in love with me just might give you the courage to do that. I would always be there for you—you have all the love and help in the world if you ever do. You are not just a good person, but the best person. I knew the real Anya, but I feel staying married to him doesn’t make you a better person. I don’t care if he is the father of your children or if he’s a good provider or if you live in a beautiful home or if he has all the money in the world. You should be with someone who makes you the best person you can be. I don’t care if he treats you better now—it’s unauthentic because he’s afraid he would lose half his worth. Someone may get hurt even worse if you stay. What if he cheats again out of spite because he can’t forget, but this time he comes back home and you get something from him? What if the kids find out dad cheated on mom? I would hate to see them hate their dad. As much as I dislike him as your husband, I wouldn’t want that to happen. I just feel these risks are higher now just because it’s been a constant in your marriage. I know I have crushed your heart in pieces, but I don’t care if he's the most successful man on the planet. You’d really have to be a Special Ed student and legally insane to cheat on someone as beautiful a person as you are. There are a lot of beautiful women in this world on the outside, but the combination of your inner and outer beauty makes you more beautiful than anyone to me—there is no one like you. He cheated in you for sex—please don’t let him make you feel guilty for being in love with someone for the right reasons. You weren’t getting back at him; true love happens. You deserve to be truly happy after all you struggled with. I write this with great respect, but I feel staying for the kids, with the way you feel about your situation, the state it is in now, who you are now, and even without me in your life, is a huge mistake simply because this has been a personal internal struggle for you for 12 years now and counting—not just the years I was in your life. The last two years only brought it to light. I think Katie and Andrew are both really good kids and will understand why one day. It’s not even about the betrayal, but more so how he made you feel about yourself and how he shaped you as a person. I don’t think staying and being with him will shape you into a better version of yourself because you’re not the same person anymore. I only say this because I love you and I really want to see you happy. Time will tell though and I would only want you to do that for you, not even for me. Again, I feel like you shouldn’t have to resolve your anger for anyone and you deserve to be happy.

I mailed this to you because I wanted to keep our words between us. I never wanted him to know what we shared—what we shared together belongs only to us. I just wanted him to know that you were in love with me. We simply were not “one of these things”—I knew all your pain. When he went on my Facebook, I felt it was time the truth be known (he’s known for over a year). Our love was not created by lust but by love and a mutual respect—the things he never gave but you always deserved. We both held back a lot sexually. I held back because it hurt so much, and I was afraid how I would feel afterwards. I also didn’t want to pressure you as much as you didn’t want pressure from me. I also held back because if we were together, it would be brand new to us and I didn’t want you going home with more guilt than you already carried. I would’ve loved you in ways that would never leave any doubt in your mind how much I loved you. San Francisco was romantic and fun and just proved we could get through anything together. I felt all the love in the world in your embrace when we saw each other. We were two people who could say so much to each other without ever saying a word. After San Francisco, I wanted to go somewhere else with you so bad. I think about San Francisco and I can’t believe where we are today, but it’s my fault.

Again, I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself but in regards to the harassment and stalking charges. I’m really sorry for upsetting you. Thanks for reading this novella and sorry for everything.

Take care,

Landyn