“Where do I heal when the river runs dry?

How do I sweeten the bitter?

A word decides our fate.

And our silence condemns.”

~ “Illusion” Soen

After walking by them, I tried to pretend it left me unfazed but seeing my mother’s words become prophetic unsettled my new found faith--one founded on the premise of “forgiveness”. What I witnessed on this night was akin to treason; proving how easy it was for her to say things to build my trust without ever having to be transparent. Opting instead to hide behind the opaque facade of her marriage. On this night someone sensed my plight. My unwillingness to believe that a world so dark existed. My ineptness to buy in that I could be so easily deceived—that I was that dumb. After all we shared. After all she ever said to me. After all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. After all her visits to my apartment. After all the times she initiated our physical intimacy. After all of it, regardless of my lack of patience, Jackson should have never been an option. If I had seen her with another man, I would’ve been affected, but not like this. Not after all she told me about him. Not after all I lost because of all she shared; after promising me she would be with me if she fell in love with me. Not after she sold me that this was not a “marriage.” She intentionally and purposely lied to me and didn’t give a fuck about it because of who Jackson was. More than willing to let the dog loose on me knowing he’d come after me feeling justified fighting for his “family”.

I continued walking for another five blocks before passing something that caught my eye—their parked car along the busy roadside. Continuing to walk further my seething mind stopped me in my tracks—these horrible human beings needed to be called out on their deception. What was she thinking? That she could just jump back into her marriage without consequence after ruining my life? I trusted her. Even the romantic singer, Lance, trusted her but he got out because he knew her circle. Anya has played the victim role for so long she forgot one important thing—she no longer was one. When that realization came into play—she instead victimized the people who cared and who trusted in her pain, her anguish, her desperation—morphing into the real monster. As I waited by her car, hoping for the chance to confront them, especially after the courtroom shenanigans, I recalled the time she told me “I wish you were psycho”. For her to wish that on a conscious level, her game was evident then—lovebombing me with words and then actions to turn me into a threat then having the audacity to tell me I was “forming my own stories and conclusions”. Tonight proved she confused my formation of stories and conclusions with the application of logical deductive reasoning. Now, the lies had caught up to them and their days of deception were done forever. If Jackson got physical, I was prepared to submerge him into the next day. Letting his wife paint the town without any consideration for the feelings of others had consequences. It wasn’t my fault the only men she knew in life before me were disrespectful douchebags. Apparently men who objectified her beauty had always been her type...until the inequity in their marriage came into play. There was no changing her, love never mattered to her. As long as he covered the cost of her and the kids high maintenance life styles, he could cheat all he wanted to. She had the best of both worlds in her marriage. She could go on girlfriend vacations, blow and fuck other men and Jackson would take her back anyway all in the name of family. But they were both about to find out in life there are consequences for that behavior. What I saw as a really important lesson for the kids they kept in a bubble to learn. One of those things in life they would never learn from a textbook. That this is what happens when evil people posing as the righteous do bad things to good people.

How could she have allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her if she cared more about the façade of her marriage over her feelings for me? If she was going to leave the decision to be with me in the hands of children? Her family? Her coworkers? Worst yet, the pig she married? She had to have known I never stood a chance from day one and it's why she tried to let me go. The problem was this...she did it far too late even after asking me to fight for her. Such that every time she knew she was guilty of hurting me and tried to pull away, I was in fight mode. My mother was right…she played me for a complete fool. That’s what my soulmate truly thought of me—a damn fool.

All I could focus on was how she viewed herself as an honest person, yet never gave me more than half the truth. Only telling me the things she wanted me to hear but not the things I needed to hear. I love you forever—as long as it’s a secret. Money and things don’t lead to happiness—but if I were with you I’d have to be on a budget. All the things she fed me sprinkled with disclaimers here and there that she purposely omitted in the beginning so I’d pursue the relationship and “fight” for her. I know she feared losing me nearly as much as I feared losing her but if she told me the entire truth, I wouldn't be angry about all of this. She knew from day one we weren't in this to just end up as friends forever. She never gave me the chance to understand and let her go by intentionally omitting important things I needed to know in the beginning before I fell so deeply. Only allowing myself to fall so hard because I truly believed with every inch of my being that it's what she hoped, wished and dreamt for...but even that was a half truth after also telling me "I'm happy when my kids are happy" and being unwilling to make a promise to ever leave. Only a person who lives a life of entitlement could be so bold.

Anya seemed to be a fraud in every single way her husband was. Maybe they were just the same person more than her and I ever were or could be. She told me one time she told Jackson he should have married a "stripper". After seeing her lips near his knowing where her lips have been, it looks like he did. I never agreed for a single day to support the facade of her marriage to anyone. I felt I made it clear on our first date after we reconnected...either we were together if we fell in love or we would not pursue a relationship. I asked her what she needed from me and I did everything asked of me for two years yet seeing her cozying up to a demon was my reward. This is how she grew from our "love"? She thinks she is a better person now with him still as her husband? How could I not feel used? She didn't grow or learn a damn thing. Their marriage was a sham—a destructive union of two people who ruined the marriages and lives of others, even doing so under the guise of “protecting their children” by bearing false witness. How could God be proud of that knowing I’m not the monster they claim I am?

The worst part of all was loving me any way she wanted yet not allowing me to love her the way I wanted to. She told me horrible things about her husband, without telling me who he was, motivating me to protect her then tells me over a year later "I don't want you to think he’s a bad guy". Now as it stands, the man who never dishonored or used her to build a business was the "bad guy". What did she expect from someone who loves her? That a man wouldn’t want to face this chump for her after all she told me about him? How could she even dare to tell me all these horrible things allowing me to develop deep feelings for her, then protect his "feelings"? She was no better than the witch at her baseball games.

I stood by her car and patiently paced about thinking of all the things I couldn’t wait to tell them. I didn’t know what the repercussions would be because of the restraining order but I’d do everything in my power not to break it. But this is why she basically lied to get it—she knew what she did to me was purely evil. After it manifested itself tonight, I deserved answers from her. Why did she punish me for his crimes? Why did you make a date with me to specifically tell me he cheated on you when it was all water under the bridge and you weren't ambivalent to your marriage? Worst yet, why did you allow and encourage me to fall in love with you if you were still sleeping with him? Why did you ask me if I'd fight for you when you've stayed for so long because you didn't want to be like the "general public" and you were parading around as the perfect couple? I told her several times if she stayed, I’d feel she chose him over me. Now what do you have to say, Anya? Am I still forming my own truth and conclusions? After all we experienced physically and emotionally together, this is your choice? After two years together in a relationship we celebrated month anniversaries, how could you continue living such a dishonest life? What did you lose, Anya? I could tell you all I lost. You told me things would never be the same again for you. What's changed or was that another half-truth? How could you have your lips so close to his after all you told me about him? Even affecting my relationship with my mother? Even leading me right into a drug addiction to deal with the pain your half-truths caused? Even causing me to lose focus and my career as a partner I worked years for? How could you look him in his eyes after all we shared? Knowing the places your lips have been? I just couldn’t believe she was this deceitful.

After an hour passed and there was no sign of two pigs in slop, I decided to walk away from their car. When I returned to the same spot not five minutes later, the car was gone. She had seen me and knew—likely watching me the entire time. Knowing a major confrontation was about to take place and after realizing her two year game of claiming her marriage was for show, she ran like the runner she was. Although it stole the opportunity to confront them, with all the raw emotions it would’ve likely not ended well for anyone of us. It did feel good to know she knew her deceit had caught up to her and it disrupted their night.

Putting my car into drive with a mind primed to leap off a bridge, it hit me—Debbie was not a protected party on the restraining order. I could contact her by sending an email to her Facebook account without violating the restraining order as long as I told her not to tell Anya about it. That my communication was intended to vent to Debbie and not intended for Anya. If Debbie chose to tell or show Anya, then that would be her decision after asking her not to. Since the source of my pain had gotten away knowing exactly the depth of her crime, this was an option to coax me off the bridge. After all I did for Anya and all she allowed me to believe in and feel, this was too much on me to just remain silent—my tortured heart, mind, and soul now off the rails. Like my mother’s death, this night was something I wasn’t prepared for.

11/17/2012, 10:32 pm

Hi Debbie,

I wanted to apologize for the email I sent to you a couple of years ago. I don’t know what I was thinking. That was just a crazy email. Again, this email is sent directly to you. It’s not meant as any communication in any shape or form to Anya. This email is a direct communication to you only. If you choose to block me after receipt of this email, I won’t have any problem with that at all. I think it’s for the best. I think I know why you have kept this line open to me. A little over a year ago, I lost my mom. Even though she was sick, it was unexpected. I thought something like that would destroy me, but seeing her pass changed me as a person. I decided to start building a relationship with God and also kicked an addiction to painkillers. The reason I took them was because I didn’t want to burden my mother, and others, with the pain caused by the fallout I had with Anya. Two weeks before she died, my mom told me plain and simply, and matter of factly, “She played you for a fool”. I took it to heart. My mom didn’t know all I shared with Anya to make such a claim.

I pose this question to you, Debbie. How does a mother betray her kids by being in love with a man who read the “Twilight” series with her? Can you answer that question? That was my cue though, and I missed it; my mother was right, I was played for a fool and I didn’t listen. An hour ago, I just saw Anya and Jackson walking together. She was holding his arm as if he had never mistreated her a day in his life. My mother allowed me to see this. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world, only God’s will. I learned tonight Anya completely played with my heart. For two years, she played a game with my heart and emotions and over the last three years, I’ve struggled mightily getting over her, even believing she would never engage in a public display of affection with this man. She was too good of a person to do something like this to anyone, let alone me. I learned tonight, she deceived me about how she truly felt about him. I thought I was being irrational to even question her love. Seeing this tonight though was exactly what I needed to see. Don’t think for a second I don’t know that you girls have been cheated on too. Don’t believe for a second, I didn’t hear how many times Anya thought you were a whiner, Debbie, when I always held the belief you were the only one of real character because I never saw you dating other men.

Tonight, I stand corrected. I am no longer a fool. I’m going to look into suing her for perjury and defamation of character for the lies she told a judge about me. This isn’t about the money. I’ll just pay my lawyer and donate all the proceeds, if I win, to a charity for people who have been wrongfully accused of crimes. Even if I lose, I know I won because this will get her deceit on court records and expose her for the person she really is, and she really needs to be brought to task for the way she feels she can treat people. It’s sad what a little money does to a person—it really is. This isn’t about a broken heart. Trust me, I would never want to be with a liar and an adulterer like Anya. This is about allowing a decent man to be in a position to be greatly harmed by lying to powerful people about him. Then hiding these people she knew from him, that put him in a position to be harmed if he ever embraced his emotions and feelings he was encouraged to have.

There will be no more emails from me. I apologize for them all. I really hope you girls grow up though. If you’re not happy in your shitty marriages, GET OUT. Don’t use good people. Act like adults, not like your kids. I’m a good person. I don’t use people and I don’t play games. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I treat women with respect and I am loyal to a fault. If you lie to me though, and play with my heart, I have every right in the world to tell you how that makes me feel and that’s truly the extent of all I ever did. Anya had a marriage and a family of her own to fall back on. I had a dying mother and a lost career because I trusted in her “love” and all she told me about her filthy husband. I think that would make anyone in my shoes reasonably angry at that person. All my communication to anyone was done in self- defense, and was not harassment in any way, shape or form.

Also, please do not ever come up to me and pretend you’re my friend. If you’re a friend of Anya, you’re not a friend of mine. All of you girls need to get right with God. Big time. No one more than Anya, and with the grace of God, I will bring her to justice legally for what she did so she can maybe teach her kids that you don’t lie to get ahead in life, and that honesty is always the best policy.

Good-bye.

11/18/2012, 1:35 am

One more thing, it’s not about Anya being happy in her marriage. That’s not what upset me. What upset me is that she lied to me about everything. She didn’t even tell me she was married until after a 2 hour intimate conversation and the only reason she ever did was because my friend told her to. She told me to “Sweep me off my feet”. I go all in for two years trusting in her love and she pulls this shit? It’s strictly the dishonesty and it affected my life in a huge way otherwise I would have let this all go a long time ago. Talk about making someone sick to their stomach. She is a serpent—no longer just a horrible person but an evil one. I can’t believe she is the product of a Christian upbringing. All I wanted from her was an apology. A sincere apology for what she did. Not a kiddie apology like “I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart”. A real apology for lying to me and trust me I could let it all go—at least I’d know it wasn’t me. Instead, she makes me feel like the one who ruined our relationship while she’s getting drunk at night, throwing parties, walking around the house naked, having sex with her husband and promoting her marriage as if it has never hurt a soul. She lied to me BIG time and she knows no remorse whatsoever. That’s what upsets me. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’m only upset because she’s the biggest liar on the face of the planet. I could care less if she’s parading around with that scumbag as if he was the greatest husband on the planet. They are both horrible human beings and will be judged by God one day. I hope purposely wrecking my life with lies was worth losing eternity over.

After sending that second email to Debbie, I started my car and put it into drive thinking about the things I made known. A few seconds later though I was back in park.

11/18/2012, 1:39 am

I know her argument will be “I tried to let him go”. No. First, Anya doesn’t try anything genuinely with her heart. Second, you tell someone the real reason you are letting them go so they can understand and move on. Third, every time she let me go, I’d get a text the next day or a week later asking if she could come over. I love her and she is my life, so how am I going to say no? After witnessing this tonight, I just feel so used and played. I never believed it. I never trusted anything people told me because they simply didn’t know. They were never in my room with us. I’m a fool. Plain and simple. I hope she feels really good about herself.

11/18/2012, 2:03 am

My last message. I want ALL of them to come after me. All of her people. Everyone she and Jackson knows. Cops included. I want all the people you guys know, to come after me. I dare any one of them. There’s no doubt I have God and the truth on my side and trust me on this…I’m going to make sure there is no political corruption this time around. Anya and Jackson both need to learn you do not lie about people to intentionally hurt their lives in order to save face. Ok, I’m done.

After sending one last message to Debbie, at two in the morning, I sat in my car contemplating my next move. There was no silver lining available anymore to comfort my mind. Although I questioned Anya’s love and intentions to be with me, I never truly believed she’d lie to me about what I saw this evening—that there truly was "no marriage". And if there was ever a chance she’d work on her marriage that she would never have allowed or encouraged me to feel so much for her. I could understand why she felt she betrayed her kids—because I’d struggle at times and she had to then disengage herself from their needs to deal with me. But that was a non-existent issue if she followed through with what she promised me when we first started our relationship. No doubt she did have an "inexperienced heart" and she went with what "felt right at the time" but she couldn’t go around telling any man the things she did with zero plans to be with them. Telling any man who deeply loved her because of what she led him to trust in, that she "thought she was doing the right thing" then complaining she is being "punished" when that man only wants her love to become a verb and not just a noun. Nope, I was the one who was punished for holding her accountable for the things she told me before we started to pursue our relationship. That if I swept her off her feet she would be with me—period. If her kids, among others, were going to be the ultimate decision makers if we'd be together then she needed to tell me the night we pursued our relationship. I also felt, after all the horrible things she told me about her husband, that telling him it was over would be the easiest thing to do. Tonight proved she betrayed me and not the other way around. Working on her marriage was an evil act in my eyes after all I’ve lost trusting in her love for me. If she was truly honest with me in the beginning, then she would’ve told me loving him was still an option for her giving me the chance to run for my life.

Still seething the next evening and since Debbie hadn’t blocked me, I wrote another email to her.

11/18/2012, 9:17 pm

I just wanted to communicate to you why I am so upset even 3 years later. I walked away from Anya because she was “married” in 2007. When we reconnected 5 months later, she told me I had hurt her by walking away and that I was wrong to do so. Anya had 5 whole months and a guy she dated before me to come to the conclusion she was “betraying” her kids. Um, no. She betrayed me and she betrayed herself. Personally, if our relationship would hurt her kids, I wouldn’t have wanted that but I seriously doubt being in love with a guy who would read the “Twilight” series with her qualifies as betraying her kids. Don’t ask me to sweep you off your feet and when I do, pull the rug out from under me. Jackson was IN my social media account for two years and after all the terrible things she told me about him, I didn’t expect for her to take his side and conspire against me; all because of money. Take away the money and then I could see her nobility in staying for the sake of the kids. Anya stays for the sake of Jackson’s money. That’s all she cares about is her reputation. You know as well as I know she was going nowhere. I don’t see any real values being taught to their kids. With the exception of a good education, which I support and think is great, what real values are they learning? To lie in order to get ahead in life. To make a sale even if you have to lie to do so? That appearances are everything? To not be true to yourself? I received a letter Katie wrote from Anya that basically showed how her marriage and what they were learning from it was hurting their kids. The entire piece written by Katie showed how she was struggling to find who she really was and not what her parents wanted her to be. What she really likes and enjoys doing in life. It made me sick that Anya interpreted it in the manner that she was leaning anyway. She played with my heart. She knew it, and she thought that Katie’s letter was a legitimate way out. She completely used me. At best, she was greatly attracted to me, but the woman has no idea, not even the slightest clue, what love really is. To see her chummy with a man she told me so many horrible things about. Things that only put me in the position to be harmed and to give her the best 5 years of my life (3 just trying to get past her) is absolutely despicable. It’s almost worth it to me to break the restraining order to make sure she knew what she did was wrong, and although I’d never hurt anyone in a physical manner, a confrontation may be in the works the next picture I see posted on the internet or if I run into them again. She has broken two commandments. Thou shalt not bear false witness and thou shalt not commit adultery. Like the scriptures say, it’s easier for a camel to go through a needle than a rich person to enter into the kingdom of God. The people who put themselves at the center of the universe, and believe me, Anya and Jackson care about what everyone thinks about them, are the people who will dwell in hell for eternity. Anyway, I told Anya for years I felt like she wasn’t being honest with me about her relationship with him at home. All I asked for was the truth. That’s it. What could I do Debbie? At least I could walk away knowing it wasn’t my fault, and then eventually, I could let it go, never allowing myself to believe she ever loved me, but that’s not the kind of person Anya is. Instead, she told me over and over “I love you, not him.”. “I don’t trust him” and “I’m only there for the kids”. She’s a salesman just like her husband. She will say anything to make the sale. Throw in the love for politics and she has all the DNA of a liar. And that’s what her kids are learning. To lie to save their hide even if it hurts someone’s life the way it had hurt mine. I was in Anya’s life out of the kindness of my heart and she took advantage of it. She said she “couldn’t help it”. Well, we saw what happened when I couldn’t help things—I get the cops called on me. Katie seems to be more mature than she is. I’m really more disappointed that she could never recognize what she did, more than her lying to me. It’s a huge character flaw and character flaws are embedded in that family’s entire DNA. She is a super sick human being with a lot more issues than I have, and I’m going to do everything in my power legally to make sure she doesn’t lie to anyone ever again the way she lied to and about me. We’ll see what happens. I’m better prepared for things this time around. Sorry for the emails. I don’t mean to bombard you or to put you down, but I cannot believe that another human being, one that I truly loved, could do this to another human being. I am just blown away by her inhumanity.

11/18/2012, 9:29 pm

Sorry. Just one last thing. I can’t reiterate this enough. This is not about a broken heart at all. Anya had every right to dump me if she wanted to, and I would be just fine. I just truly believed what we had was real to ever see what I witnessed last night with her and Jackson. This is about her lying to me about her “situation” and her true feelings, which put me at a great emotional disadvantage (She had another relationship and kids to fall back on and I had a dying mother and lost my job) that put me in a great position to be harmed by the people she knows and the life she hid from me. She put me in a position to be harmed and in fact, was harmed by her lies. That’s all this is about. No more. No less.

Seeing the one I’d always love cozying it up with the man she told me so many horrible things about just tore me into pieces. I thought my renewed kinship with God and working towards becoming a man of peace was strong enough to face this kind of thing. The problem was I had been a man without Jesus for too long. My newfound peace disturbed after fighting severe withdrawal symptoms for six months and then feeling the intense grief of losing of my mother. To see Anya this way came at the worst possible time--when my life never seemed more not worth living. The dullness of life now sharper than ever. There were now two great losses in my life—my mother and all I ever believed and hoped not to be true about the absolute love of my life. I knew my life was a gift from God and he put me here for a purpose, but the demon who infiltrated my soul had a tighter grasp than He did. There was no purpose in living anymore.

I couldn’t believe I could pursue life so passionately and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Without my mother, my father and I became closer, but there was nothing about life to feel inspired about. The drugs badly damaging my receptors leaving me with the inability to feel joy, gratitude or pleasure. It was only a matter of days before my landlord would evict me. The last thing my father needed was a son who would only be a financial burden. Leaving this world made the most sense.

The night I saw Anya and Jackson together in a warm public embrace reminded me when I told her that kids needed to see their parents being affectionate towards each other. My opinion based upon her telling me “I never kiss him back" when we first met. She never responded to that but now it made sense why. Here I was fighting for her to see how the marriage was hurting her children when it seems now the opposite was always true. I’d be a fool to believe this kind of display didn’t happen while we were together or even before we met. There were probably times when she felt upset with him enough not to kiss him back, but I’m sure a few days later with a drink in her hand, she got over it. More than ever, it proved it wasn’t just “sex” she was having with him fifteen years into her marriage. It also proved without a doubt she not only didn't sleep on the opposite side of the bed but it also didn't make her sick kissing him passionately. Now I had my answer why he felt so bold trying to kiss her passionately after the New Year's Eve she promised me not to kiss him. I also recalled the time she told me “he made those mistakes in the past” as if he never chipped her heart away and how I downplayed her statement as nothing to be alarmed about. The truth was, the cheating never really bothered her until she met me, only using it to hook me. I guess she felt I should be honored to be loved by her but the truth was she didn’t know what love was. She never dreamt of it and claimed to marry out of convenience. Little did I know, she was too infatuated with herself for any man to be able to show her what it meant to love someone. If she truly loved me, she would’ve faced everyone with pride. Instead, she listened to how everyone else would feel about her and my fate was sealed. If I had known input from others would hold more weight than her love for me; that her love for me was silly to feel and irrational believing in, I would've never opened my heart up to her.

I waited by her car that night because I wanted answers. I wanted to know why I was used and lied to. Why she allowed and encouraged me to be her hero only to leave me feeling like a zero. Why the man who dishonored her was not punished and the man who would never cheat on her was. I’m not saying Anya didn’t genuinely love me. I’m sure what she felt for me was real—I’m confident in that. I’m angry because she hid the real reasons why she was still there, allowing me to fall without reservations. Allowing me to feel justified in fighting for her while she clandestinely chose to listen to the people around her instead. If she planned to hand off the keys of the car to her philandering husband and her two kids then she needed to be honest about that in the beginning. If she had simply done that, I’d have no right to be upset with what I witnessed. It’s all on me. Instead, she chose to omit important details by giving me only half the truth about her life. The dead giveaway being when I asked her to make a promise to be with me after San Diego and her responses were “what” and ‘what is wrong with you”. The fact she couldn’t promise me a date or a time frame, even if it was years down the road, told me what I witnessed that night was not only happening at that time but also before we met--telling me she wasn't in love with her husband without telling me she still had feelings for him—another half truth she disguised as the entire truth. The only entire truth she told me in the beginning was that she was married.

It wasn't long before I regretted sending those emails to Debbie—my emotions were far too raw. Without my mother to vent to, I had nowhere else to turn but the decision to do what I needed to survive the night now left me reeling inside. Judicial Officer Shamm did not forbid me from communicating with her friends, so there was no willful intent to violate the order. If I truly had any intent to violate the restraining order, I would’ve not used a middle man, or woman. I would have just contacted Anya or Jackson directly. Since she never blocked me and feeling deeply depressed the day after the first Christmas without my mother, I sent her another email to smooth things out.

12/26/2012, 12:21 am

Hi Debbie,

I’m going to shoot you one last email. First, I wanted to apologize to you for my emails. Even though I didn’t think it was right that both you and Carolyn enabled Anya to have a relationship with me after (1) her relationship with Lance failed and (2) knowing all about her life of appearances and money. You both had to know she hurt Lance too. I know you have a son, Debbie. I don’t think you’d appreciate it if a woman had done to your son what Anya did to me. I’d hope that would make you pretty angry. I hope and pray yours, Carolyn’s and even Anya’s son, Andrew, never gets to experience the true motives of most attractive women today and get their trust funds drained because of it.

Over the last three years I’ve been through a lot. I carried a heavy heart having to be there for a very sick parent while also carrying a broken heart. Losing my job didn’t help matters and added to my stress level and frustration. I know everyone thinks it’s my fault I lost my job, but you also have to keep in mind, my job was a mental one. It wasn’t a social job, entertaining people at dinners and events. I had an office but there was never any real privacy. I was pretty much out in the open with a lot on my plate mentally. I started to take medication to deal with it, but it only added to my problems and I was never able to really heal. I was never able to reach this point because the drugs gave me a false sense of reality. I’m back in reality now. No more self-induced numbness. While Anya and her “family” are off skiing having a blast, which I truly hope they are, I’m dealing with a really rough Christmas. My mom was Christmas for me. From the sweaters she always wore, to her crazy Christmas toys, to her baked goodies, to even the stockings she still always filled for me. This holiday season has been a lot tougher than the last 3 years on me combined. I used to believe in God when I was a kid, but I became agnostic and at times, borderline atheist, over the years (education and bad experiences will do that), but I’ve never had a real relationship with Him until now. He has brought me to the reason behind this email. I can’t open my heart to God, or truly begin to have a relationship with him until I forgive Anya for what she did to me. I know she feels she “betrayed” her family, but I’m one of God’s children too. She hurt me every bit as bad, if not more than anyone. I wouldn’t be sending out an email, 3 years after the fact, especially to her friend, if she didn’t. However, it is not my place to judge her. It is God’s place to do that, and I have faith He will. I can handle a broken heart, but the circumstances surrounding everything were tough for me to comprehend when I explained to her the reasons I walked away when we first reconnected. Even after I told Anya I didn’t want to get hurt, she hurt me without blinking an eye. I must forgive her for it all though. It’s a must. I want to free my heart of this pain. By forgiving Anya, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to be upset about what she did. It doesn’t mean I’ll forget. All it means is I forgive her. I thought I wanted revenge. I don’t. I just want peace.

You may be wondering what Anya did. I’m sure Anya would have you believe this is all on me. It was Landyn who forced her to tell Jackson. It was Landyn who put her in position to do the things she did to me. I see my role in that, but I also reached out to her and apologized for my role in that. The problem I then had with Anya was that I never received the same in return which basically told me she thinks she did nothing wrong to me. In essence, I’m sure she feels she has nothing to be forgiven for. So, I want to lay it all out for you from my point of view so you have both. Here is all I forgive her for.

* She told me she would promise to be with me if I “swept” her off her feet. She asked if I would fight for her, and I told her I would. When I asked her if she truly meant it afterwards, she told me she did. After I went all in to sweep her off her feet. After enduring many heart wrenching events, including a trip to Spain with an excursion of 3 days in Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands, with a man she told me she was not in love with because he cheated on her multiple times. After I went all in to fight for her like she requested me to do. She then, without any warning, left the decision in the hands of her 10 and 12 year old kids, a husband who cheated on her multiple times, her neighbors, her “conservative” friends, her congregation, her nanny, her employees, and her mom and dad. She had no right to encourage me to sweep her off her feet when the decision would not even be hers to make, but rather ne placed by her in the hands of others who didn’t know her struggle or pain, especially if she would sacrifice our relationship for anyone. It was only fair to let me know in the beginning if she was willing to make any sacrifices no matter what I did.

* She told me “I don’t kiss him”. “I’m not in love with him”. “I love you forever”. “I don’t want to seek counseling”. “I love you, not him”. And the list goes on and on for two years. She told me of the multiple infidelities and how angry she is about them, yet she still shared the same bed with him. She even still had sex with him. She knew all of this and withheld it from me. You just do not ever encourage people to develop deep feelings for you, ask those same people to sweep you off your feet and to fight for you, if you have no plans to change anything.

* Plain and simply she took advantage of a man who has never been married. A man who was ignorant to all the nuances in a marriage. She played semantics with me (not in love without telling me she still loved him).

* After I had given her my heart. After I had endured a ton, so she could have happiness in her life (at least all what she led me to believe). After I opened my home to her. She gave my name and other personal information to a public official in her neighborhood. A complete stranger to me.

* For every time I questioned her love and she’d get mad at me for it, as if I had no right considering she did not change a thing about her relationship with Jackson. Don’t tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Not much to ask for if you love someone.

* For allowing a relationship she told me was “love” to be used as making things even with a guy who cheated on his pregnant wife with a married woman because he couldn’t have the sex they used to have. If Anya just wanted a sexual relationship with me, fill me in so I could have made the best decision for my heart. That’s all I asked for. She didn’t have to be with me. She didn’t have to love me. All I asked for was honesty, but then again, I guess I couldn’t expect it from someone who chooses to be dishonest every day of her life, even to herself.

* For telling her friends that I believed “her life is horrible to me” after I heard nearly everyday how stressed out and in “love” with me she was. After she approached me, asked for my phone number, set up a date to tell me all the terrible things she did about her husband, so I would be inclined to try and sweep her off her feet. Initiate all the meetings and every text and communications for 2 years, even hiding from me her life so the relationship could continue. She even told me she hated her life! I loved her and wanted a life for her she loved. I could be wrong, but I don’t see many people whose life isn’t horrible doing these kinds of things. Her life infected mine. I had every right to say how I felt about it. I had every right to want the best for her and I know for a fact, her staying for the kids wasn’t the best for her, but rather the best for everyone else.

* For telling me “I’m there because I don’t think anyone would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage”. When the truth was “I’m there because of what my husband’s money provides me and the kids with”. Big difference and this is a shining example that she didn’t tell me the truth at the very beginning of our relationship.

* For telling me “I’m married!”, the last day we spoke after two years of telling me it was only a “situation”. Even telling me “It’s not a marriage” to encourage me even further.

* For threatening me with charges of harassment when all I ever wanted from her was the truth she wasn’t giving me, so I could leave her alone and move on.

* For lying to a judge claiming I threatened to kidnap her kids, and that I had been outside her home. Both complete and vicious lies.

* For asking me for a necklace without telling me she would hide it in a drawer, just wanted it as a souvenir and only wear it when we saw each other.

* Wishing me the “best in life” but never allowing me a true sense of closure. I would never dream of doing that to anyone and I’d never criticize them for their anger with me if I denied them that.

* For sharing so many details of the lives of her kids to only pit them against me. Don’t allow me to feel something for them, too. Wrong on every level. Again, I never told Anya I’d be okay with just being a secret IF she fell in love with me, which I was led to believe she did. I trusted a woman, 40 years of age, to know what love was, especially considering all she’s been though in her marriage with Jackson.

* For ever referring to me as a psycho or a stalker. First off, I’d pass any psychological examination with flying colors. Second, Anya wouldn’t have been able to last a week in my world the last 3 years if the roles were reversed. You don’t tell someone they are “angry” while doing things to make any reasonable person angry. I guarantee this would make any reasonable human being, who truly loved and needed someone, angry. I never threatened her with physical harm not even called her a single bad name. I had written her, but not once visited her nor tracked her down in order to talk to her to deserve any of those titles.

Debbie, I find it extremely hard to believe I’m the only guy she’s ever approached at a bar and flirted with. I don’t think I’m that special anymore. I wasn’t looking to get laid like all the rest of them. I truly felt I was in this relationship to save her from herself. I truly trusted that what she communicated to me about her situation had become unbearable and unhealthy for her. And my decision to give her a chance may have been spurred by my mother’s own illness, knowing my mom lived a fairly healthy lifestyle too yet died of a horrible disease. I didn’t want Anya’s stress to kill her one day too. I didn’t want Andrew and Katie to feel cheated out of at least 15 years with their mom, like I do now. What I did, forcing Anya to be honest with Jackson, was not meant to hurt her kids or break up a family. It was to help her based on everything she led me to believe about her unhappiness, even telling me she hated her life. The last thing I wanted was for her to hate her life as the man who truly loves her. However, I do understand my part in this. Reconciliation would not be complete if I didn’t list the things I hope she could forgive me for someday, too. I’m not perfect here. They are as follows:

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* Putting her in the position to lose her kids. That’s not what I wanted nor intended to happen. The very things she used me for, my “innocent” qualities, were very much in play here. If I had known that was a possibility, I would have never said a word and shut up.

* I never called her any names, but I wrote things I regret, especially when I implied her car accident was deserved. No one deserves to be physically hurt. She didn’t try to kill me.

* I regret sending her gifts back. I should have never done that.

* Scaring her into thinking I was going to tell Jackson. In a sense too, I forced my love upon her. Love doesn’t will itself on anyone. I’m just as guilty at times for not loving her the way I said I did. I was just trying to seek the truth and I felt she wasn’t being honest. If I had any real plans to tell Jackson, I would have just done it, and not tell her I was going to.

* I mentioned a personal thing she shared of herself with me and I shouldn’t have done that. My emotions got the best of me.

* I regret not letting her go. I regret being selfish. I think she would have come back to me one day if I did. Unfortunately, I needed her more than she needed me. It was impossible for me to do. I think in time I would have become a stronger person for her if I was able to let her go.

* I regret emailing you and Carolyn. All the emails I’ve sent to you both. This email I felt was necessary to clean up the mess I made. I just wasn’t all there emotionally.

* Everything that was between Anya and I should have stayed that way.

* I have a relationship with God now, but I wish this relationship with Him was established years before Anya and I were together. Things would have worked out differently and I would’ve been able to put it all in His hands.

* Just blaming her for all the unhappiness in my life. A lot of the unhappiness had to do with my mom being sick. I was angry about that more than anything else in the end. Losing her has been an unimaginable pain and void I can’t even begin to express. It’s a tough thing to face alone and I didn’t want to. That’s all I can say.

* I regret writing all Anya cares about is her reputation. I thought that was unfair to say. I think we all care about our reputations.

You girls probably think I’m “immoral”. I don’t know how you interpret the Bible but nowhere in the Bible does it say marriage is based on being an institution and there is no mention of having to stay for the sake of the kids in the wedding vows. Marriage was based on being a “relationship”. Anya communicated to me there was no relationship with her husband—that she was only there for the kids. That’s not what God considers to be a marriage. Jackson broke his vows several times and he did so for sex, not love. At least Anya did so out of love (At least what she led me to believe). I even held back on having sex so our relationship would be something she could be proud of. I don’t see anything immoral about that on her part or my own, if she truly loved me. Only if she truly didn't love me can I see the immorality in us. I think the money and the positions of people with influence in your world, is blinding you all to what is truly moral and immoral.

So, this is it. I forgive Anya for everything she did to me. Although, I may still be angry about it and it may still be hard to forget, I choose not to feel any more hate or anger for what she did. It’s time to truly move forward and to put everything in God’s hands. I trust in the end, he will make this right.

Happy holidays and take care, Debbie. Sorry for the emails, lack of class and the harsh words.

Landyn

After sending this email off to Debbie, it felt good to close this chapter of my life and to put my trust in God for once. If I truly wanted a relationship with Him, I simply had to forgive Anya for all she did to me. It didn’t mean I would forget, but I had to forgive and let God deal with everything else.

I guess I hoped Debbie would respond—to say she was sorry to hear about my mom or to at least let me believe she received my email, even if she had to block me. When I didn’t hear from her, it left me feeliing more of a fool--that she sided with Jackson and was convinced the lying monster was actually me. For all I knew, Debbie deleted my emails without reading them. Feeling the need to find out if she did read them, nearly four months later, I sent her another email. To prove I meant when I told her in my last email—that I wouldn’t forget. I wanted Debbie to hear my side of things one more time.

04/18/2013, 11:52 pm

Hi Debbie,

You guys are all probably wondering how come Landyn can’t let this go? It’s been over 3 years now! What’s his problem? Well, I just want the chance to explain it to you.

I felt I took precautions with Anya most guys simply wouldn’t have. I wasn’t going to get involved with her unless she could convince me that I wouldn’t be hurt. I explained to Anya, I’ve been in a relationship before her in which I was cheated on, so I don’t approach women because from my experience it just seemed the ones I’m mostly drawn to are more concerned about being well taken care of rather than being with a man of good character. It was murder on my heart to know the girl I really cared for before I knew Anya, left me to be with someone else and I knew it was only because he could offer her more than I could at the time. It was that simple and it affected me enough to stay away from dating for a while until I felt I had something more to offer monetarily. So, I’ve known from experience, the pain associated with being cheated on—the constant wondering night in and night out. Because if you really care about someone, there is no avoiding those kinds of thoughts. The point I’m making is I asked Anya questions to make sure I wouldn’t be in that position again. If I had known Anya was still having sex with Jackson as if the cheating was no big deal, I would have never gotten involved. What person in their right mind would want to fall in love with someone who is giving themselves to someone else? Why would I put myself in that position again? Why would I come in the middle of another man's marriage especially with two children involved? I wanted no part of that. I simply trusted her after she told me she was cheated on, to know what that felt like. Apparently, she didn’t truly know that pain as well as I did, or became so disconnected from it, but she acted as if she was still connected to it when we met. For her to criticize my response after learning all of this, is really hypocritical of her. For one, when she found out Jackson was cheating on her with another married woman, she told that lady’s husband all about it. Knowing she did that, how did she think I would feel and react? Did she think I wouldn’t feel the same things she did? Did she think I would respond differently when we were so much alike? I had all the grounds in the world to do what I did regardless of if she was “married” or not, because let me tell you this, it wasn’t the fact Anya was married that made her want to tell the husband. It was the fact Anya had invested feelings and her life in that man that made her tell the husband. I don’t blame her one bit for telling the husband what she did. Jackson put her in that position, and for him to just cheat again on her after doing so is sickening to me. That’s why I really defended her decision in dating me. If I had known his infidelities was water under the bridge and she just wanted to move forward without holding grudges, unlike what I was told and led to believe in the beginning, then I would have run for my life. I asked her why was she still there and I was told “It’s because I don’t think anyone would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage”. She even told me Lance broke up with her because she had kids! Lance broke up with me because I had kids! So she painted in my mind, he didn’t want the total package. This is why I felt he left her because she had baggage and not because mother’s made sacrifices. I'm certain she was using the “my kids” argument with him as well but he was on the inside. He knew all the people and the real reasons why she was still there. These things were hidden from me on purpose because she felt that was the reason he left her, but did he really? She remained in contact with him. Anya claims she didn’t mean to hurt me, but I can’t believe knowing all she knew, that she didn’t mean to hurt me. I trusted her big time. This is why I give her no credit for being truthful when we first met. I trusted her to let me know “Hey Landyn, I’m still there because it provides a secure environment for my kids” or “I’m there because Jackson is a politician and I have to be there to keep up appearances” or “He’s a good provider and a good father so everything is in the past” in the very beginning, not after six months, a year or even two years later. If she “loved” me enough to hide how she truly felt about her life from me so I would pursue a relationship with her, she should have “loved” me enough to be truthful with Jackson when she learned he cyberstalked me on Facebook and then made a promise to be together. If I hadn’t asked any questions, Anya would have never told me anything about her life. If I hadn’t asked questions before we pursued our relationship in an attempt to protect my heart, then I think I deserve what happened and it would be easier for me to see fault in how I’ve responded. But being honest in Anya’s world should be a lot more than just telling someone you’re married. She also told me “I don’t kiss him” and “I don’t tell him I love you when he says it to me”. She gave me the impression she couldn’t stand the man. Then I had to learn she sleeps in the same bed with him and still had sex with him. I was shocked. Absolutely floored when she told me that. Are you kidding me? You told me you don’t even kiss him! Is there anything more intimate than sex, Debbie? She must really think I’m stupid to believe she sleeps on the far end of the bed every night. Right, maybe after sex. Then she drinks, and only God knows what happens or what is said when she comes home intoxicated. I will never understand that Debbie. Again, I don’t know how she could say she never meant to hurt me. How could she possibly think I would be okay giving my heart to her if that was going on? Especially after I walked away from her? That is a true betrayal of trust. When we reconnected after 5 months, I asked her how her marriage was. She told me “the same” even telling me "you broke my heart". I actually told her I hoped that things would change for her there. When they didn’t, I took into consideration her experience with this man, and trusted everything she told me about him, and decided to go all in. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have the happiness I felt she deserved. To learn all these things afterwards really angered me. I try not to think about it because I only hurt myself when I do, but I have to be honest that it still bothers me quite a bit that she would do that to me. Why me? Why not him?

The greatest misconception, and the one that bothers me the most is Landyn wanting to tell Jackson is Landyn wanting to break up her family and hurt her kids. That is absolutely false. First of all, he was in my social media account for 2 years. Anya told me way back in 2008 that he suspected something and that one of my friends had told him. One of my friends told him? How is that possible? I told Anya, my friends don’t know him, and none of my friends knew anything other than Special Ed. Well, he went into my Facebook account through one of my friends' profile page. Listen, I understand the curiosity, but I’d never dream of getting into someone’s private account. I even received a state tax audit for the years 2007 and 2008 and let me tell you this much, I know how audits are selected and I didn’t make enough money to warrant an audit. Then I learned who Jackson Caiaphas was and all his political connections. I believe he probably had someone he knew perform the audit to see how much money I was making. Now it made sense, especially seeing the strings that were pulled in court, but I didn’t have enough information about anyone to question anything even though it didn’t feel right. I had nothing to go on. If he wanted to “google” me, see a profile, read a periodical, I’m fine with it. His curiosity is understandable although I feel it’s hypocritical based on his past history, however Jackson is the true stalker, not me. So let’s make that perfectly clear. Anya had promised me she would end her marriage if he contacted me. I felt he contacted me indirectly by getting into my FB account. I asked Anya one time was it too much to ask for her to end her marriage and she told me "no". If I thought having her do that would equate to "wrecking a family" and hurting her kids, I would've not chosen to be in a relationship with her.

I’m upset that Anya wasn’t truthful with me before we made the decision to pursue a relationship. She painted a picture of a marriage to me that was void of any kind of intimacy towards him. She painted a picture to me of a man who had greatly wronged her that cheated on her multiple times. One of those times when she was pregnant with Andrew and with a married woman to boot. She gave me the impression he stole her happiness away from her. Not the general happiness and love that fades with any marriage but the happiness and love inherent within the vows. Just tell me the truth. That’s all I ever asked for. I trusted her to tell me what I was getting into and what I was up against before we pursued a relationship. I trusted her that this wouldn’t be about breaking up a family but rather putting an overdue end to a godforsaken marriage to a philandering husband. I trusted her completely. I told her I would be a big boy but I never expected all she chose to hide from me. If she had been truly honest with me then I could understand her being upset with the way I handled things. The problem is she misrepresented her life and misled me in such a way it felt like it was with malicious intent because it put me at a monster emotional disadvantage now knowing she had "people" in high places who are apparently corrupt enough to hurt me. Listen, if Anya married a man who cheated on her with another married woman while she was pregnant, I’m sure the people he knows are just as bad, if not worse. Birds of a feather flock together.

If being with me had hurt the kids, of course I wouldn’t have ever wanted that--there's no question. But to allow someone to feel all that Anya allowed me to feel and then cry “my kids” after several months into our relationship was a horrible thing to do to someone you love. I get the whole “loving someone is letting them go” mantra but not in this instance after she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much. If she truly loved me, she would've been willing to face anything. Instead she chose to run right back into her god forsaken union. Be honest with me before we decide to pursue a relationship, not after I fall in love with you. If she was honest from the beginning like she should have been and I still went for it, then I would at least know what to expect and could blame myself easily being the big boy I promised her I would be. I couldn't have imagined her doing this to me. This was not my fault yet I apologized to Anya for it as if it was entirely my fault. I don’t think I’m perfect in this either but she put me in the position to feel and react the way I did. She even told me I was making up my own stories and conclusions. Really? All I know is that even a few months after she broke up with me she was posting pics of her and Jackson on her social media accounts as if I never existed. Give me a break. Was the goal to rip my heart out and then make me even angrier? She knew my mother was ill and she pulled that stunt? Does she realize all I went through just for her happiness for 2 years? And instead of an apology, she decides to put a pic of her and Jackson up? The guy she led me to believe chipped her heart completely away? Let me tell you something, you don’t love someone the way you want to then don’t allow that same person to love you back the way they want to. That’s a wicked thing to do to someone. If she can claim letting me go is loving me then I can claim telling Jackson is my way of loving her because she led me to believe the man is no good for her--betting my entire life on that being true. I cannot understand how the mental well-being of her kids could be in tact if hers isn’t. I would love to know, since you’re a friend of their “family” how having him in her life brings out the best in her. Take away the money and the alcohol, because you shouldn’t need either to be the best you can be. Let’s get to the bare bones of it. I want to know how he brings out the best in her.

How could Landyn think the kids are being exploited? That is a crazy thing for him to say and of course, no one over there will agree with me because they all worship golden calves, and not God. You can’t tell me Andrew and Katie go to the best school programs solely for the educational value. You can’t tell me parties and sleepovers are thrown strictly so the kids can hang with their friends. I don’t buy it in that neighborhood you all live in. Jackson is a politician and business owner, and he wants to build his brand and get to know as many people with money as possible. The schools and sleepovers are really ancillary benefits but I guarantee 75% of their friends are just mere acquaintances. They could move to Florida tomorrow and still have the same relationships with their friends as they do now. If there was not some form of exploitation going on, they would teach them the importance of having 5 good friends they can count on rather than having 1,000 friends on Facebook. I think using your children to build a network is pretty wrong. Volunteer work is something you do out of the kindness of your heart and for non-recognition. Jackson, the great father, doesn’t see things that way though. Katie’s letter told me everything I needed to learn about Anya and Jackson’s penchant for lying and what she has learned through their marriage. I would never say or suggest such a thing if I didn’t believe in my heart that what those kids are learning is wrong. I believe money hides a lot of mistakes being done over there. Believe me, I’m open to any arguments on the contrary. There is no respect in that marriage, only fear. It’s a shame Anya believes she did the right thing. It’s going to be sad the day it all backfires. I truly pray it never does. I don’t want to be right about this.

Just as much as anyone wanted me to, I would have loved to let this all go and never have sent you a single email. More than anything I didn’t want to but it was too difficult. I trusted her not to pursue a relationship with me if she’s showing the whole world how wonderful her marriage is to everyone else. Did you know I trusted what Anya told me about her husband so much that I told my mom about her and our relationship? I told my mom about Anya while she was sick and dying with Cancer. Do you know how much heartache that brought upon my mom who was fighting for her life to see me struggling? To hear her son lost his job and was struggling financially and personally? Yet here I was defending Anya at every turn and my sweet mom wouldn’t say a word as she tried to keep her feelings on the matter to herself. Then just before she passed, after nearly 3 years of me defending Anya’s actions and taking the blame, my mom took the gamble of her lifetime. While holding the knowledge that she was losing her battle and knowing this would probably create tension between us, she told me “she played you for a fool”. It took me a cold night in November, three years after we broke up, unexpectedly seeing Anya clinging to Jackson’s arm as if he had never chiiped a single part of her heart away...seemingly off to see some “romantic” European art show just down the street from the place we met, likely hosted by a friend, to finally get it. What I witnessed that evening is hard to let go of, and I don’t plan on letting go until I’m ready to.

I hope you girls can understand why I have a tough time letting things go. Anya broke two promises to me before I broke any promise I made to her. She told me if I swept her off her feet (fell in love with me), she would be with me. She broke that promise. She told me if Jackson contacted me she would end her marriage. Jackson was in my Facebook account for 2 years reading my private info therefore he did contact me indirectly to find out things. If Anya truly wanted me to let this go, she should have written me a sincere apology letter for the life she hid from me and for the promises she broke. If she wanted me to be a noble man, she needed to show some nobility as well. Lying to a police officer and everyone around her was not an act that deserved my nobility. She got what she asked for by her behavior and actions. If you think I wanted to do any of the things I’ve done, you’re wrong. I wanted to leave the relationship with as much class and dignity as I entered it but she left me with really no choice. No one likes to feel they were taken advantage of. I felt used and betrayed, so I acted accordingly, just like she did when she approached the husband of the woman Jackson had an affair with. She wanted that man to know the truth and the same applied here. I was a victim in this too. No different from anyone else who was passionate enough about something in their lives. I’m sure if it was Anya who lost her job and was struggling financially, and had to deal with the stress and pressure along with watching a parent get sick and fade away for the last 3 years, she would understand why it’s hard to let this go. Why it’s not easy. Why I’m out to make this right in my life with as much regards to her life as she had for mine.

So, I leave you with this. Some words I think everyone needs to heed and know every day. When you can truly start living with this message in mind, then you have truly reinvented yourself.

“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his father’s glory with the holy angels.”

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.”

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven.”

“And when you pray, do not be like hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly, I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”

“This, then, is how you should pray: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us for our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but to deliver us from the evil one.””

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others for their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermins do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Therefore, I will tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds in the air: they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet the heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow? They do no labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you – you of little faith? So, do not worry, saying. “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But first seek his kingdom, and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I reread what I sent numerous times thinking if Debbie did read this then showed it to Anya, they were probably wondering "when did he become a holy roller"? I knew God no more than they did, but He was just all I had now. The more reasons I put out there, the more some of them had to stick in their minds. These emails were really just an effort to stay in the game of life because, as it now stood, I’ve lost everything I ever believed in. The hope of love was all that inspired me to pursue life with vigor. That feeling of natural euphoria it gave us all when we were truly in deep with someone and it was reciprocated. I knew, without a doubt, Anya was my last chance—I just knew no one else had the power to make me feel life was worth it the way she did. We were one for nearly two years and I just could not believe how easy it was for her to return to him, of all people. That she could go back into her life with him as if I never existed--like he hadn't ever cheated on her. How all that I gave could be so easily discarded all because I wanted her to do the right thing—to be an honest person; the person she promised to be before we pursued a relationship. I recalled criticizing her for minimizing all I felt and claiming she was not doing that but she clearly did. She basically took all the reasons I had fighting for her and ignored them all without a care. As if my life didin't mean a thing and she was not responsible at all for the unhappiness she communicated to me about her marriage, giving me all the reasons in the world to keep fighting for her. Everything she ever said to me now just hit me in different ways. She told me, on the day we broke up, she told him she loved me. When in actuality, she likely told him I was obsessed with her and wouldn’t let her go after she tried pulling away. Just another half truth, or half lie. If Jackson knew a tenth of all the things she ever said and did that led me to falling so in love with her, he’d be the one sending Debbie mass emails trying to figure things out. Nope, on the day we broke up Anya told Jackson one hell of a half lie and he bought it hook, line and anchor. I guess I wanted some kind of acknowledgement my voice was heard, but it seemed my voice was now lost in cyberspace, never reaching a soul or even the soulless.

When I didn’t hear back from her the next day and believing she likely was not receiving these emails, I took another shot at clarifying my position. At the very least it made me feel better to vent even if I had to pretend Debbie was reading them but just not choosing to respond to play it safe.

04/19/2013, 11:08 pm

Hi Debbie,

I hope you’re doing well. Listen, I would rather have had Anya hurt me than Katie and Andrew. Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me and things come up self-righteously. The bottom line is I trusted Anya loved me. I don’t understand how I could have been a bad thing in her life regardless of the circumstances. It’s hard for me not to take that personally. I’m an honest man. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I just felt really wronged because she is still married to this man. All he does is inspire her to sin. I don’t think God would have allowed me in Anya’s life if we were going to be a bad thing. She told me she believed in our love and I trusted that. I sound like such a broken record I know.

When the next day arrived, I felt the need to vent a little more...to cyberspace.

04/20/2013, 2:34 pm

I’d like to know how does Jackson make Anya a good or better person? We know the kids make Anya a good person but I want to know what Jackson has done during their time together that has made Anya a good person? I will cite the following:

He has cheated on her several times.

Andrew was born prematurely because he cheated on her while she was pregnant with him. It caused her a great amount of distress.

Anya has had 2 extramarital relationships that I know of. One lasting nearly 2 years in which she initiated the entire relationship.

Besides the infidelity, from what I know, he has left the child raising completely to Anya creating a huge inequity in the marriage.

I believe you and Carolyn enabled her to have a relationship with me because of him—in spite of him.

He only inspires dishonesty from her.

To make this perfectly clear. When the restraining order expires, I plan on asking these questions to Jackson if she is still with him. I want to know what real value he has added to her life as a person. Let’s see how brave he is outside a courtroom.

The biggest joke about my restraining order was the fact a man was protected on it. Why was a man being protected on a domestic violence restraining order? They were typically for women who feared for their safety—not for men who stalked, taunted and provoked the restrained party. Shouldn’t I be the protected party on the order instead of being the restrained one in regards to Jackson? Daddy was in zero danger of being physically harmed by me. Daddy was the actual monster who abused and chipped their mother’s heart away for years. The entire restraining order, mostly the length of the order itself and how it was obtained with lies, just made me sick and angry. Jackson’s friends, who his money bought, didn’t know him the way I did. I wouldn’t have wanted him to lose his reputation, his political or business future simply because of his kids, but he sure went after mine. It’s natural for me to want to face off with him. When I never heard back from Debbie, it hit me. What if this email account was seized by Debbie’s husband? Jackson’s "buddy" according to Anya? With the aim of now trying to lure the rat from out of his hole, I decided to leave some cheese out.

04/20/2013, 2:45 pm

It might be a wise thing to get the order extended for Jackson when the time comes. Not that I plan on going after him physically, but I do plan on confronting him about everything. I want to know what business he had being in my Facebook account. If you don’t have trust in your marriage, you don’t have a marriage.

04/20/2013, 2:49 pm

The day he made matters worse was the day they received a restraining order on false pretenses. There will be a price to pay for that in this lifetime. If he wants to provoke me into going to jail, trust me, I’m going to get my money’s worth.

04/20/2013, 2:57 pm

So, keep forwarding these emails to Anya so she can forward them to her attorney. Make sure the order is extended on Jackson because he’s the one I have questions for and I will seize that window of opportunity when it arises. If you’re going to break the rules to hurt my life, especially when I was told the things I was told by Anya, you better make sure I don’t find out about it.

04/20/2013, 3:01 pm

If I ever see those two in public again, believe me, I’m going to take care of business with him right then and there. An order says I could get in trouble for breaking it but it doesn’t mean I can’t break it. Trust me, if I can muster the power not to, I will, but I can’t promise anything and if I’m going to go to jail for it, it’s probably going to be for a while. Then, they will have to explain to people why it happened, and that’s a whole new can of worms they will have to open. They don't fear for their safety, they fear exposure.

04/20/2013, 3:04 pm

There is a score that one day will be settled. That’s a promise.

04/20/2013, 3:08 pm

I sat in a courtroom and heard a man beat his girlfriend and he got a lesser term RO than I did. In addition, the judge never considered the content of my emails to Anya to determine if a threat was even made...it was a total joke. You could either play by the rules and life goes on or you can lie your way through life and deal with the consequences. Now those consequences are only a few years away.

04/20/2013, 8:52 pm

Anya told me she felt like she betrayed her kids. I’d like to know if Jackson is such a great guy to have as her husband, why she approached me and initiated the entire relationship? Didn’t he inspire her to betray her kids? What was my crime? Minding my own business that night? Wanting the best for her based on all she ever told me? Isn’t that what love does? Why would I want her to stay in a marriage knowing Jackson isn’t the best thing for her? Those are his kids, too--they are his responsibility. He’s supposed to be a good father so I don’t buy that. I had all the grounds in the world to fight for her to end her marriage.

Also, there are some things I need for you to know. I’m not looking to start a fight with Jackson. He’s a sissy and I know that. There is no pleasure in having a physical altercation with him and I don’t hit women so he’s safe in that regard too. That would only make me look bad and I’d be in the wrong. I just want him to know why I was in his life and why I felt so strongly about the whole thing.

04/20/2013, 8:58 pm

I feel I’m one of the nicest guys around. All my life I’ve turned the other cheek , trying to do that for the last 3 years and still trying to, but there are just some days I cringe. I feel she owes me a deep sincere apology. If she has no regrets about ever dating me, then she needs to be with someone who makes her a better person. I don’t mean me anymore, I'm sure that's the last thing she wants now but someone else who makes her a better person. Jackson is trash and you all know it.

No longer the man of peace I hoped to become, driven by the madness of the earth bound, the unfairness of it all got the best of me—disgusted with the feeling of alienation and powerlessness. They needed to know the entire truth was my property while they only owned half-truths. No longer having anything to lose, it was fight or flight with the last amount of dignity I had left. I loved Anya unlike any man before her and I didn’t deserve the same tragic fate the others suffered--giving her too much of myself to be falsely portrayed as the monster in all of this. Everyone needed to know who the true monster was and the reasons why I couldn’t just let this go. I also couldn’t accept this version of Anya, Jackson’s version, was who she really was. If I forced my hand, it might break her down enough to choose honesty over the dishonest person her husband scared her into being for the “love of family”. A guy who read the “Twilight” series with her who loved more than anything hearing about her kids hoping to meet them one day was not remotely the kind of guy who they had to be protected from. My reputation mattered as much as theirs did and so did my life. God wanted us to live full honest lives, not full dishonest ones. I knew Debbie enough to know she would have either responded or blocked me by now. After noticing her Facebook profile picture seemed to be one that never changed over the last three years, unlike Anya's did, that's when it hit me that this could have been a trap. To see if my theory had any validity, issuing a crazy challenge to its true beneficiary should reveal its true owner and intent. And just in case I was wrong, I fed it once more.

04/21/2013, 8:50 pm

Hi Debbie,

I just wanted to apologize for my emails yesterday. I need to do a better job of letting this go. I’m working on it. I just really loved that woman. There’s a lot I do get. I wouldn’t have wanted her to lose her kids to be with me. No way. You know how I feel. Thanks for letting me vent and blow off some steam. I’m going to do a better job of not contacting you anymore. You deserve that from me. Thanks again, Debbie.

One time I argued with my father and asked him "if you cared about my future, how come you never started a college fund for me?" If he truly wanted me to not be a "failure" and be successful in life, why didn't he set one up for me? His answer was, “it’s because you never asked”. There are just some things in life, from the people you trust to love you, you should never have to ask for. I asked for the brutal truth from Anya when we first met even if it hurt me. The woman who claimed to love me forever instead saw me as a dirty secret. Not "pure love" like she told me it was, but a terrible secret she was actually ashamed of. Love is never looked upon as a dirty secret, but always as nothing less than the light of the truth and that's never something to be ashamed of. Nothing should have mattered if Anya ever truly planned to be with me but she was open to staying with Jackson even after the kids left home. She even told me she wasn't ambivalent to her marriage after I had already fallen deeply in love with her. The more time she sat on the fence though, she left me with no choice but to question her integrity, intentions and love for me. And even after that knowledge was handed to me, I refused to believe she didn’t love me. Until one cold November evening, watching my heart betray me as she walked cheek to cheek with the man she told me not only betrayed her but she no longer had feelings for. The man who led her to me.

I wrote Debbie those emails because I was wrecked inside. My eyes wanting answers for what they’ve seen. My heart wanting answers for all it was encouraged and allowed to feel. My mind wanting answers for all she allowed me to believe in. Although they were answers Debbie could never provide me, she had to have known for years all I learned on that November evening. I didn’t blame her for not responding. When she didn’t though it raised the possibility, knowing her husband was friends with Jackson, this email could be a set-up.

After sending that last email, there was nothing else left to write or say. After four years of sadness, it was time to try to put my faith in a God I hoped to reconnect with. Instead of reaching out to Debbie any further, in an attempt to deal with all the residual anguish Anya left me to feel, I began writing a novel based on my experience titling it "The Passion Particle". After finding a few websites that allowed authors to publish their work, I chose one to start posting the story too. To protect Katie and Andrew I came up with a fictional scenario and character names for the book. Working on the novel nightly helped alleviate the mental wreckage I endured over the last five years giving me no reason to contact Anya, Jackson or any one of their friends ever again. Knowing the truth about Anya's "love" for me, it was time to let this go.

Nearly a year later after my last email to Debbie while sitting in a bookstore café to work on the novel, I received an early morning saturday phone call from an unrecognizable number.

“Hello.” I answered.

“Landyn Lastman.” stated a cracking voice.

“Speaking.”

“This is Jackson Caiaphas.”