A hallucination had descended upon me.

It arrived with aggression and spite. I began to question my connection with the physical world around me, and if I truly were invisible to those who inhabited it. Such occurrences were very normal to me; almost to be expected, and they were painful when they faded away and left me alone in this place. Often I found myself watching Ki’luwani, George, and Covey continue to plant new acres of crops and hack down bamboo stalks in preparation for building more huts. To my great surprise, they relied more heavily on guns and rifles to hunt down the wild pigs and rabbits that dominated the land they worked upon. While I was grateful that my intervention had somewhat helped them in the long run; it stung far too much to see them sometimes cracking jokes with each other as they worked and argued like a team, as if I had never really existed. I found myself wishing I could start over with them, to have a fresh start where I could reintroduce myself.

But how many times could a person appear as a stranger in one’s lifetime? The men appeared content for the most part, although I rarely saw Fritz with them these days, if ever. It seemed as if their group had shrunk in size, but his absence didn’t look as if it weighed down on them. I badly wanted to speak to at least one of them; but I knew I would ruin what little peace they had.

As each day became more in bearable than before; I simply stared at them, wondering if they would at least take me as their prisoner if I dared showed up again. Then, maybe, I would be able to reach out to one person. I instantly thought of Ki. And I found myself smiling at their interactions and uncontrollable laughter from afar, before looking down at my filthy hands and stepping back in the shadows, surprised to see how my eyes had gotten wet.

As the suns slowly rose and fell into the ocean, loneliness clouded my senses. My hopes were dead. I could not eat much, nor could I sleep without having terrible dreams.

I was a memory that no one needed or wanted to remember. I began to assume that if they had ever received the notes I had written, they had simply discarded them. The heavy fog that had settled over me darkened, and my mind often wandered around a lot. I had a difficult time remembering certain things. I curled up in a ball, burying my head in my lap one rainy night. I ignored the dark red cuts on my thighs and arms from climbing up steep, rocky cliffs and trees; their rawness only made present to me now due the shooting pain that shot through me. Ice spread from the soles of my bare feet, coating the plants and trees. My breaths were heavy and shaky. The taste of blood was rich in my mouth. I didn’t look at the snow. I cursed it. I wanted to tear out what was inside of me and have the scientists back in Jova research and preform multiple experiments on that wretched, slimy thing attached to my soul, or what was left of it. It wasn’t me.

I didn’t want it to be a part of me.

Destroy what you’ve worked so hard to keep safe. Let them fall apart. They deserve it, having the nerve to pretend you don’t exist. You have the means to take what is yours. Turn their homes and fields into ice and make them submit to you. They would need to depend on you to survive. In fact, they need you now. They’re just too proud to admit it. And you don’t ever have to be alone again.

As I pushed away the memory to the back of my mind, drenched and shivering, I viciously shook my head over and over.

You can have people right here. Right next to you. The answer lies in your fingertips. And they can never run away from you. They can scream and shout but they’ll be here. They can’t leave you, like everyone else in your life has done. It’s been so long…since you’ve…been near a human being. You can’t take it anymore. You can’t. You’re going to die out here if you don’t do this. They’ll find your remains out here and burn them.

”Shut up,” I hoarsely whispered.

Just do it.

The salt water trickling down my nose burned the small cuts embedded in my lips. When I dug what remained of my fingernails into my scalp, and I only managed to whisper one word.

”No.”

But the temptation lingered; I could imagine how many people I would be able to talk to. Daily. And they were mine. Maybe I could never be loved, but needed, and there was some sort of similarity shared between the two. I slowly glanced up at the dark gray sky, my wet hair plastered to my face. There were no stars tonight. Although the civilians and the Khonie would have drinking water tonight, it made little to no difference for their own kind; millions still trapped in the security wards, stolen away from their families and being worked to death. What good would it do to bring them down here, where they could experience the same thing?

”No,” I murmured, squeezing my eyes shut.

A crunching noise caught my attention; the tree I was underneath was frozen solid, its leaves and branches stuck in time. I tossed a rock into a ditch. With one hand, I struck myself repeatedly in the head. Frustrated at the wretched sight, I bit my lip so hard blood came from the small wound dug in by my teeth. I needed to leave this place soon to retrieve those up north instead of moping and complaining, given how I still had a number of privileges that had been denied to them for years. I had to shake off these unproductive moods, although I was more than worried that a new fleet of soldiers would come and spot the village. The thought of returning to burnt human remains in a destroyed landscape a second time made me physically ill. Even George and Fritz, were aware they did not have the means or experience, let alone any of their men, to defend this place on their own.

As it poured heavier, I wiped the rain off my face and took a deep breath to compose myself.

I whistled for Here Boy to come with me back to the cave, who was greedily lapping up a puddle and digging holes in the mud with his hind legs. When he looked up at me, I softly smiled at him. His ears went up. Distracted by a nearby chipmunk, he eagerly took off behind it as it fled into the trees, loudly barking. After standing in the town for a while, I decided that he would come back in the morning. As I limped back to my abode, I found myself disgusted and enraged with myself over such thoughts. What benefit had I ever reaped from frightening those around me? Taking things with force from people was something that Baldwin did all the time. I wanted nothing to be like him. I stared at my terrifying reflection in a nearby puddle and sensed a shooting pain beginning in my head.

* * * * * * *

Covey became a bit more aware of my presence, my nightly visits to the village. It didn’t take me long to realize he was the one who observed me come by and flee back in the dark, so I had already messed up. Despite my worries, he seemed to never inform anyone. He at first was suspicious of the food I left for the others, examining the turtle shells I had placed in them with great detail and my muddy fingerprints.

A lot of times I would spot him wandering completely alone in the woods in a deranged state of confusion and paranoia, weapon held close to him, flinching at every little thing that moved. And I quietly followed him, enjoying his unintentional company, my bare feet barely making a sound against the earth, a contrast to the loud snapping sound the worn shoes he wore because his boots were missing. I didn’t dare reveal myself to him, not even after Here Boy suddenly approached the man from behind me with a loud howl, causing him to release a high pitched scream. When he finally chuckled and let down his guard by placing his weapon on the ground, giving the dog a serious belly rub, Here Boy turned his head and barked again excitedly at me, tongue hanging. I slipped further behind a tree just in time and stared at them behind my hair, startled at the sudden interaction. After a moment, when I slowly peered out again, I could hear him laughing quite hard as Here Boy began to jump on him to cover his face in kisses.

Covey grinned and looked out at the dark trees that surrounded him. “Is that your friend over there? I’m sure you have plenty of them.”

The smile that had formed on my face slowly faded away they both disappeared in the distance. And that was when I realized how much I missed him and the others, despite their rage, their fear, their distrust.

I saw things most people wouldn't dream of or fathom even if they'd tried. But it was something about this particular group of newcomers that I could not pry my own eyes away from, even after I had delivered some more supplies and scrambled back in the trees before someone would spot me. Perhaps it was the way that they dressed, or the way that they spoke and acted around George. I found myself sneaking over in the daytime, which was broke an unspoken rule I had made for myself, crawling through the bushes and behind the dense, broken tree and bamboo patches. Their voices lured me closer, but I couldn’t place together the words that they were speaking. As I began to mentally calculate how much food I would need to bring based on the amount of new people who were now with us, my eyes fell on the individuals.

There were quite a few women than men; the tallest one held her head high, walking in several great strides, followed by a shorter, more chubbier one, who was sweating and complaining loudly about the heat. She kept furiously wiping her sweaty face with the back of her hand, arguing with a man who was by her side. Crawling on all fours, I silently followed them to the edge of a short cliff, trying to keep up, where I peered down through the thick leaves below. I could make out the top of Fritz's head, with him speaking in a loud, confident tone to the tallest woman. She didn't seem to be too impressed by his words, arms folded and a deep set scowl in her eyes. The amusing expression on her face, to my surprise, made a slight smile fall on my face, before I slowly looked down and stared at my empty hands.

Not wanting to risk being seen, I prepared myself to turn back and head into the woods, when something made me slightly turn my head to the side. One lone figure seemed to lag behind the rest of them. Her face was downcast, but she had sketchbooks curled beneath her only arm. Her wild curls stuck out in all directions, with bits of hay and grass in it. Her dress was torn and dirty, too big for her thin frame, which hung loosely from her body. And as soon as the woman raised her head, I saw the way that the sun seemed to kiss her freckles. Her steps were timid, slow, reluctant, as if she had already sensed the danger present in this place.

My heart stopped.

I tried to shake myself out of the hallucination that had rapidly and unexpectedly made its way down to me. A cold sweat appeared on my skin. As I fought to suppress the blinding memories that came into my mind, I suddenly struggled to breathe due to my chest being so tight. When I finally had the strength to peek out again, she was gone with the others. The only thing left was the rhythm of the soft grasses blowing in the wind. Blindly, I stumbled out of my hiding place, my face burning, wondering if I had just witnessed was someone who was preparing to avenge me for the sins I had committed in the past. But they had already disappeared beyond the huts, and I was left with myself to deal with.

She, on the other hand as the days continued to pass, did not fade from my sight. After pinching my arm several times until red welts formed on my skin; I found that what I saw was truly real.

And what once was initial shock became waves of deep rooted guilt and shame. The woman in particular, while appearing worn out and exhausted due to being overworked, resembled too closely from someone I once knew; her features were too strong for me to ignore. I stole glimpses of Honda working exceedingly hard in the fields, hauling large buckets of water one at time over a small hill. After days of spectaculation; I could no longer convince what I was seeing in front of my eyes a dream. She had the same gray eyes, the large nose, even her smile, which was quite rare, one that I had terribly missed, or believed I would never be blessed to see again. But yet, here she was, having slipped out of Baldwin's grasp. Breathing and living. Tired and broken down as I was, but alive. Alive.

Living.

Relief washed over me, then a horrible sense of guilt. And despite how badly I wanted to approach her, she was always near a group of villagers doing some form of labor, or usually around a woman with braided white hair, who looked to be quite fluent in sign language, even more than I was. The few times that she was alone, either washing clothing in a giant tub of steaming water by a river or hoeing potatoes, I could hardly muster the courage, due the shame and guilt of how I had mistreated her the last day that we had seen each other. More than anything, I wanted to take back for yelling at her as I had. I knew I did not deserve her friendship after all the hell I had put her through, nor her trust, and the marks on her body from the gunshot wounds that she had received served as a permanent reminder. Most likely she was traumatized, and what shattered memories that she had of our friendship was most likely tainted in anger and betrayal towards me. And I had no one to blame but myself, although I yearned to take away her pain when I saw her crying in the cornfields. It broke me in two, and yet I did nothing as Fritz pulled her away before I could reach out to her. I wanted to apologize so badly.

I wanted to beg for us to be friends again.

But tried as I might, I remembered my appearance. I couldn't bear her reaction to be the same of George or the others; that would've killed me. And yet, the possibility was still there. Yet it was inevitable. It was better to have her near me unknowingly than to leave this place because of me. I was not the same person I was before, and neither was she, given how much of a mask of her formal self she appeared to be. Yet the longer I watched her, the more stuck I became, aching to have her with me. I was not able to think; the anxiety of her anticipated rejection made me unable to sleep.

Here Boy seemed to sense my mood, whining and nudging at my ankles. I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done without his company; the way his wet snout would always be searching my hands for a treat, maybe a piece of fish, rabbit, yucca root, though he ate plenty when I fed him, and then proceeded to give me googly eyes as I had my food. This made me faintly smile as he watched every bite I took with such concentration. He fought off a snake that had been dangerously close to my arm when I had fallen asleep by the river one time, its mangled, bloody corpse lying next to me. I held him close to me in my arms at night as he loudly snored; tail still slightly wagging. He always followed me around, sometimes leaving the woods and going towards places in the village I knew I could never step in, bringing back a dead rabbit, squirrel or possum to me locked between his jaws. Other times wide sticks or rocks, or occasionally someone’s chewed up shoe.

But tonight, Here Boy brought me a worn satchel.

I slowly took it from his mouth and curiously observed it for a while. His drool coated the material, which was scratchy and worn, probably seeing better days. With my right hand, I gently tried to clean off the sticky algae and moss that had collected on it. Here Boy released an impatient bark, and I massaged the back of his head as I usually did after receiving these unique gifts from him. The sound of heavy splashing caught my attention. When I looked up and saw the owner in the distance awkwardly stepping into the swamp far in front of me, my legs suddenly became weak. Having suddenly losing my sense of balance, my eyes fell on the shadow that was slowly, with small, hesitant steps, making its way towards me. Clinging onto the reeds with her one arm, she sloshed her way through the mud towards me, slightly holding up her long skirts, revealing her bare brown feet.

I tried to say her name, but could not.

Something had seized my words; the sight of her truly being alive up close tore me asunder. My throat was stuck; the millions of things that I wanted to ask her forgiveness would not come out. Not only because it had been so long since I had spoken to anybody, but because I was afraid that she would have turned away and run off, as so many others had done. The moment her hand, which was cool and gentle to the touch, brushed against my left cheek to clear the hair out of my face, I reminisced her sweet, searching eyes. As we sank into the warm, tea colored water, I let her palm gently brush away the mud streaked on my face. She did not push away from me when I held onto her as I had initially expected, and the weight that had been upon me for weeks suddenly shattered and collapsed down upon me.

* * * * * * * *

It had begun to pour heavily outside.

A large puddle had gathered around the entrance of my cave, in which thick vines hung from above. Here Boy paused and began to shake the water out of his fur, before nuzzling next to the small bonfire I had managed to make, resting his head into his paws. I gently blew at the steaming bundle of dried grass and twigs between my fingers, the orange glow illuminating the walls of the cave. As Honda stared at the vines with great intrigue, I found my eyes lingering on her too long. When she looked back at me I immediately diverted my gaze and picked up a stick, carelessly poking it into the fireplace to push the glowing embers around at the bottom.

Honda had retrieved her soaked satchel and dumped its contents out on a rock. As she picked up five lumpy potatoes and a thick piece of bread alongside her water damaged sketchbook, she held it out to me, before plopping down next to the fireplace. Her fingernails were muddy and raw.

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Instead of taking her food, I slowly reached out caressed her only hand into both of mine. Unable to look her in the face, I focused on the peeling, blistered skin that surrounded her knuckles, worn down by endless hours of harvesting crops and scrubbing thousands of clothes. Several angry burns traveled up her arm, some partially healed.

Thunder rumbled in the sky above, followed by a sharp wind that rustled and shook the tree branches nearby. She jumped at the sound, shrinking back, appearing quite startled by the raging elements outside, but to me they consisted of nothing but useless forms of matter that were waiting to be manipulated by the curse inside of me. They were there to only be used. Wasted and dumped away like nothing.

The sound of rain pouring had stopped, her gaze focused on the dark gray abyss outside, past the walls of twisted vines that no longer blew in the wind. A deep well of silence besides the crackling fire between us had replaced the heavy noise. Strands of her tangled hair stuck out from the faded scarf that was tied upon her head. Millions of transparent spheres of cold water were stuck in the air, trapped in time and space, floating mindlessly. When she turned her head to face me, I finally had the courage to slowly look her in the face and say the first words that I had spoken to a human being in four years.

”I…I must tell you something.”

Honda glanced down at our hands, her eyes full of bewilderment.

When I released a shaky breath, my chest and throat stung horribly. "I left you behind. And for so long, I believed you were dead. I should have never treated you like that; it was wrong of me. I do understand if you do not want to be near me. If you wish to stay away from me, to move on with your life. If this is the last time we will speak face to face I…” I closed my eyes. “I want to thank you for giving me memories. Of…of what it’s like to…to have a friend. To be a friend. And I am honored to be given that chance. Even for a moment.”

A crushed, devastated look appeared on her face. The small campfire immediately blew out, engulfing us in an empty void of darkness and cold. Our heavy breaths were the only sound in the cave. I could hear the sound of ice crawling on its wretched stone, crackling and popping. A thick layer of it rapidly shot up from the uneven ground, encircling us in a ring. Bewildered, she looked at me.

“I’ve missed you so,” I whispered, a small smile forming on my face. “More than you can imagine.” Then I lowered my head. “I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I usually watch the villagers a lot from afar. People…they get scared when they see me and run. I know I deserve it. I couldn’t get a soul over here even if I’d begged. But I couldn’t take another day of seeing you there without…without…”

Honda began to shake her head, her eyes glistening with water. The ends of my matted hair became a white color that spread up to my roots as a strong wind wrapped around the both of us, leaving a dense white fog in the air.

"I am sorry," I choked out, hating myself. I tried to say more, but nothing else would come out. "I am so, so very sorry. I’m sorry.”

A clap of thunder shook the sky outside.

“The reason why you can’t go home and be with your family, is because of me. The reason why your people are suffering, is because of me.” I struggled to get the words out. “The reason why everyone died is because of me.”

She gently cleared a strand of hair that hung over my face. Finally, it began to heavily rain outside again, causing the pressure in my skull abruptly shift. And as she pulled me into a fierce embrace, I simply held her back. Here Boy licked her ankle and settled his head on my lap, and the three of us were congealed together as one. When dawn came, the stars were still in the now growing pink and purple sky. My dog had already helped himself to three of the potatoes she had brought and was sound asleep by the remains of my dead fireplace.

I wondered if she had misunderstood me, searching her eyes. Where is her wrath, her rage?

When I attempted to speak again; she pointed to the potato, making an eating motion with her hand. My nose was completely stuffed, and the dull headache that had come to accompany it made it harder for me to believe what she had just communicated to me. She slightly moved in my arms and gazed up at the curtain of hair hanging over my hideous face. When she scooted closer to me, her sweet scent caused a dark red haze to settle on my face. Her only arm tightly rested on my side, the blackened soles of her dirty bare feet brushing against mine. I drew her closer to me and rested my chin on top of her head, dumbfounded, her warmth sending butterflies in my stomach.

Then I realized that my cave was no place for her; it was dark and cold and stunk like rats and Here Boy's feces. I smelled far worse than all of it combined, but when she snuggled against me and closed her eyes, I could only gaze at the white sprouts beginning to protrude from the potato’s surface.

* * * * * * *

More than once she disappeared a few times in following days and came back with seeds, plenty of clean clothing that she had stolen from the village for me, and even a small goat whom she had named Eli that we found wandering in the woods. I was worried the poor creature would die in a matter of weeks because we wouldn't have enough to feed him, but she managed. Usually she had the patience to pull off the leeches that were attached to my back after a failed fishing trip, or comb out all of the lice that had settled on my head. Far too many times she would have me sit by the stream, picking out the wretched critters and generously scratching at my inflamed scalp with a comb. Little did she know how amazing my head felt; I was laughing the whole time as she began signing at me with more exaggerated, frustrated gestures.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed.

She really had not changed at all, bringing colors into my gray, lonely world. Not once did she ever discuss what she had experienced in Selva, nor did she seem to hold a grudge against me. This caused the guilt inside of me to fester and grow.

While she was digging up yucca roots one day, I knelt down next to her in the dirt. She kept working; sweat on her neck and collarbones. I gently placed my hands over her fingers, causing her to look up at me.

“You reckon no one will miss you from the village? It’s been three days so far. I understand if you want to go back. Don’t distance yourself from them because of me.”

”I stay here with you,” she signaled to me.

“But—”

”I can bring more food.”

”I’ve got plenty here so far.” My voice was barely audible in the wind. “You’ve given me so much already, it’s more than one person needs. Why don’t you take a moment to rest?”

She suddenly rose to her feet, as if a thought crossed her mind. Before she could turn away, I gently reached out and held her palm. She stared at me as I gently caressed it in both of my hands.

“You…you don’t have to do all this work,” I whispered. “Especially not for me.”

A odd look fell on Honda’s dirt streaked face as she pulled her hand away. She signed nothing, and stubbornly yanked up a large root, throwing it into a growing pile, bending down again on her knees. Silently, I began to help her gather them all together, and we spent the rest of the evening lying under a tree, the cool air a relief against our skin. She fell asleep; I simply laid on my side and studied her face through the tall, sweet smelling grass.

* * * * * * *

Everyone seemed to adjust to the swamp quicker than I thought. Eli often had a fresh pile of thick green grass that Honda provided for him each day, but liked to gnaw on some of my shirts hanging out to dry when I wasn't watching. I would often have to coax him and try to pull them out of his mouth. Here Boy couldn't get enough of her, jumping and barking as they both splashed in the green swamp water, with her attempting him to make him learn how to sit and stay.

She ran with him through the reeds, a pure look of joy on her face as he kept leaping up upon her lap. And more often than not, she was always covered in head to toe in dirt because she would be constantly digging small holes and planting the seeds in crooked rows, making sure to carefully water them throughly. As the little green plants slowly sprouted from the earth, she eagerly told me there would be corn, okra, and squash growing soon. She spent time carefully weeding out the neat, plowed rows, red ladybugs crawling on the stems of her carefully guarded crops.

Honda attached wilted dandelions in her hair, humming softly to herself between the bushes when she thought I wasn’t looking, and placed several more sweet smelling flowers inside our cave after fashioning two beds of thick green moss on the ground. She stuck those things anywhere, even making a wreath for Eli, who quickly ate it. Each morning, she would hand me a turtle shell full of goat's milk, mixed with honey, and prepared sliced with a roasted pig or rabbit and yucca roots. The hearty stews she made gave me more energy, which we would devour from our turtle shells clean, licking our fingers. The flavors reminded me of what food used to taste like for me. Slowly, I began to gain weight again; my bones no longer visible under my skin.

* * * * * *

During one late morning, while I was gathering grubs near a group of rotten logs, turning them over to get the best ones, I saw Honda’s form rushing to me, tripping and splashing and tripping over the murky water. Her eyes were wide with anticipation, and she immediately grabbed my hand. The sudden gesture made my face flush, and I ended up dropping the thick yellow slug I had found in the dirt.

Before I could ask what had happened, she was dragging me across the swamp, past the reeds and tall grass, where flies and mosquitos buzzed around our heads. Her dress was sticky and coated with algae and mud, and once we clumsily reached down a shallow, rocky slope, she finally stopped and pointed at the lower area of a tall bush. I squinted my eyes against the bright sunlight and spotted an orange and red bird nestled between its leaves. The bright plumed feathers stuck up from its head.

Honda let go of my hand and took a few steps forward, the imprint of her fingers burning against my skin. “What is that?”

“A…a cockatoo,” I softly stammered, trying to find my words. Months of silence had weakened my voice, made it difficult to talk.

She smiled; a glow settled in her dark gray eyes as she signed the next sentence. “Like a parrot?”

The sound of rustling distracted the both of us as the bird flew away in the distance just as I was getting ready to answer. Honda’s face fell, but she looked up as I beckoned her forward. When we crossed through a dense field, her footsteps in rhythm with mine, several deer grazed in the distance. White and orange butterflies scattered in the warm, humid air, and a hawk cried out. Ignoring the pain in my bad leg, I hoisted myself up on a nearby tree and held a hand out to her. She looked at me, confused, before her fingers wrapped around mine as she pulled herself over a branch.

After a few moments of climbing, and finding ourselves underneath the shelter of the thick, large leaves, once more Honda attempted to sign something, but I placed a finger to my lips, slightly winking at her. A smile fell on her face as I very slowly pushed the branch that concealed us.

Her mouth dropped open at the delight of the colorful array of birds. As she drank the sight in, I studied the K shaped scar on her face, a permanent reminder of what I had done to her family, her people. Pushing my guilt aside, I pointed to a few of the creatures with my dirty finger.

“That is a cacatua,” I quietly said. “Major Mitchell’s.” I adjusted my legs to the branch I held onto, realizing how close I was behind her. Her back brushed against my chest, and I could smell flowers and grass and mud in her thick, braided hair, that loosely hung down to her waist. “Black…. Palm. Citron.”

Honda was silent for a long time, completely mesmerized. “They’re beautiful.”

So are you, I so desperately wanted to say. A soft wind escaped between us, causing our hair to blow and the branches to sway. I glanced down for a moment, wanting her to reach out and hold her hand again, my fingers mere inches from hers. “I…come here a lot to think. It’s one of my favorite spots. And if you arrive here really early in the morning, there are plenty of different species that like to gather around. Like cardinals and bluejays.”

She suddenly turned to face me, her face lit up with excitement as she rapidly signed her words. “Blue jays?”

”Parakeets too,” I whispered. “Lots of ‘em.”

”You’ve seen them before?”

As I slowly nodded, my heart was pounding, melting under her shy smile. Dirt and mud was caked on her skin. My hands were all sweaty, the heat was starting to creep on my face. I desperately wanted to hold her.

“What kind of colors?”

”Even more than these,” I signed, slightly leaned forward, awkwardly resting my arm on the branch closer to her. “Some have distinct patterns on their feathers.” My voice dropped into a whisper. “But you gotta come out here during this time to see them. That’s when they gather together.”

“I’m going to use them as a reference to my sketchbook. I hope I won’t be too loud, so that I don’t scare them away.” When she smiled, electricity shot up my veins. “Thank you for showing me this. This must be your very secret spot. I wish I could live up there.”

It’s yours. Everything that is mine is yours. I shoved my hands in my pockets, my words barely audible. “Yeah.” My hair fell over my face as I turned my head to the side. “It’s…it’s real nice to have someone to share it with.”

“Can we go here every day?” Honda beamed. “You can see the village all the way from this place. I want to draw as many of them for you. I’ve never seen so many birds, even at home. We only had robins, crows, and owls. And pelicans.” She clutched her satchel. “I’d love to show you the drawings I have of them. I’ll make plenty of more for you.”

We were so close now, the tips of our noses close to touching each other and I almost rested my hands on her waist and drew her close to me to sink into her essence. A thick necklace of sweat had settled on her collarbones; her lips looked round and full. I damned near pushed a few strands of hair out of her face and tucked them behind her ear, but only barely managed to restrain myself last minute. The torn, ragged hemline of her muddy skirts blew against my legs, and I could not look her in the eyes due to how incredibly red my face was getting.

“Of course,” I said, real soft. “Anytime.”

* * * * * * *

I struggled for control. Whenever her body brushed against mine, a deep tingling would shoot through me. I wanted to hold her longer, run my fingers across her brown skin, her breasts, through her braided hair, but each embrace was far too short. My fingers lingered against hers. I kept looking at her for far too long, her legs, thighs, hips, buttocks, the way the glow of the sun would fall on her freckled face. We laid chuckling on the grass one time, her fingers loosely playing in my hair. I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to the stream, where in a fit of hysterical laughter, we both jumped in with a heavy splash.

As we planted seeds in our new garden, my soil covered hands brushed upon hers as we patted the ground together.

My anguish would only worsen when her thin shoulder brushed against mine, and how her soft lips gently formed into a smile. These sensations became so irresistible that I had to mumble a flimsy excuse in front of her about needing to gather more water, before slipping out into the woods and desperately waiting to pull myself together.

One afternoon, I awkwardly held out several bright orange calendulas that I had gathered in the fields to her as she was milking Eli. My face was burning, and I could hardly look her in the eyes as a deeply surprised expression fell on her own. When her hand wrapped around the stems, I immediately left before she could sign a single word.

And I did not return until it was dark.

* * * * * * *

Around midnight in our cave, while Honda was fast asleep with Here Boy lying up next to her under her arm, I slowly knelt down by her still form. My shadow spilled over her; owls hooted in the distance. After a brief moment of hesitation, I leaned close to her right ear, my mouth barely brushing against it as my hair fell down my shoulders. Her wild curls resembled a bird's nest, tangled and full of leaves, nose pink; probably from a pollen allergy. She kept sniffing loudly. My face was burning red as I closed my eyes for a bit, before finally having enough courage to utter the words that had been stuck with me for so long. They came out in a whisper that was barely audible, but I managed to get them out.

I love you.

For a while I sat still. Her eyelids slightly fluttered, before she adjusted her legs in her sleep. I kept my head low, devastated that she never would hear it. As I made my way to the entrance, I looked back again at the deeply peaceful expression on her face, her heavy breathing in rhythm with Here Boy's snores. His tail rested on the side of her leg. I stared at the ground beneath me, before quietly rushing through the trees and thick swamp reeds.

* * * * * * *

The cold, black water sloshed around my bare feet. I closely held onto the faded dragon lily she had given me, its soft petals starting to curl and wilt at the edges. When I tucked it deep into my pocket, I turned to face the raging sea in front of me.

Sand clung to my torn clothing. I had never seen the beach this way before. No stars settled in the sky tonight, only replaced by angry, gray clouds that floated above. Behind me, the orange lights of the village behind me glowed in the darkness, and yet I did not turn around to look, although I could feel its presence. Sharp, jagged rocks gleamed cruelly across the coral reefs, white foam bubbling on top of its surface. The salt air burned my nose as I took a deep breath and waded further in, shivering because of the cold. Yet, my destination was on the other side, near the west coast. Where Flanders was.

My hair blew in my face, covering my eyes.

As I held both palms out, the dreaded flow of force coursing through my veins, much more intrusive that I had initially anticipated. A sharp pain entered my skull, but I continue as the ringing persisted. The rhythm of the waves matched my breaths. Warm, metallic blood poured down my nose as my fingers slowly curled in the damp sand. The bright blue light in my thin veins glowed as I struggled back up to my feet and took several steps backwards, diamond drops of liquid dripping from my hair and clothing. A warm gust of wind blew as the blue light in my veins flickered, just for a moment.

I crashed through the surface of the water, just to be slammed down again at the bottom, near all the seashells, bubbles floating around me. My hair was plastered against my forehead as I blindly fought my way forward. It filled my lungs and throat, and I couldn't stop hacking as I dragged myself across the shoreline, panting and gasping for air. The pain in my head wasn't any better, and my eyes stung horrendously.

Control. Control.

My chest burned as I took off running towards the water once more, on top of the rebellious waves. In the break of the clouds, I could make out the white glory of the moon that studied me far above, mocking me so that the tide would be so high. Thin ice patches formed underneath my toes as my breaths grew heavier. Every muscle in my body was screaming at me to stop as a large wave started to rise above me, blocking my view of the sky. With a heavy grunt, I held a hand out to it, before momentarily losing my balance. The thick sheet of ice that crawled on its surface started to crumble like a cookie. A heavy grunt escaped from my mouth as I was slammed into the cold abyss, my hair and clothes floating, before electric blue fell upon me, and the liquid began to warp around my arms and legs.

The cool breeze of the midnight air blew upon my soaked clothing as I began to propel myself across the surface of the angry waves, icy blasts shooting from my hands and feet. Ignoring the blood pouring down my face, I formed six water tendrils around my body, holding back the energy that was coursing through my mind and soul.