Both of my arms were pulled back tightly with rope to the point that my shoulders ached.

Many soldiers hovered over me during the day time; pacing back and forth, ready to point their weapon at me if I moved in a way that made them uncomfortable. Their shadows stretched on the grass towards me. Being stuck in the same spot was sickening, as everyone around me got to at least move their legs.

The rushing sound of the river not too far away was a nightmare to listen to, and although the muddy water in the nearby puddles had done me well, my mouth was as dry as a desert. On hot days, being in the exposed sun for hours made me nauseous to the point I threw up all over myself.

Every night, Baldwin would come out of the building and stare at me for a moment, shaking his head with a cigarette in his mouth. The air was blessedly cool, and even when it rained hard for a few days I welcomed being cold and shivering.

Soon, things began to get more faint and fuzzy, and I rested my head on the soft earth and stared at the thousands of boots passing by carelessly, their footprints intersecting and overcrowding with others. The pangs of hunger in my stomach stopped and was replaced by a numb sensation. Men and women laughed and joked with each other, and the faint gunshots and screams of their prey lingered in my ears.

That was when I started seeing the soldier.

I had lost track of the days. Instead of walking with such confidence and stride, their steps were very awkward, and they kept tugging at their oversized boots, to keep them from slipping off the skinny brown ankles. The laces had dozens of knots in them, no doubt that it would be a challenge for them to get out. The first time the soldier noticed me, they stopped and stared for a very long time, until they were yelled at by a sergeant. My neck felt too weak for me to look up to see their face, but every time the sun rose, those boots would always be there. Sometimes they would pass several times a day, lingering by.

Very late in the evenings, Colonel Lockwell and his fellow comrades got quite comfortable on their spirits, roaring and laughing over matters that confused me. The smell of roast chicken almost made want to throw up again, but my stomach was empty. Yet the growing piles of corpses always stunk from the ditches they tried to dig, no matter how many times they shoveled dirt over them. The gunshots were the heaviest at night, and it would be quiet after the screaming and crying stopped.

That silence was by far the worse.

* * * * * * *

The stomach cramps were getting so bad that I could hardly move. Worst of all was the smell of what I had upchucked all over my clothes, and the stuff had dried on my skin, which was blistered and red. For a moment, I wondered how it would feel to not have it on me.

And one night, Baldwin and I made eye contact. His expression, as usual, had no emotion besides that cool, small smile that formed on his lips. He slowly folded his arms and leaned against the wall of the building those same long fingers drumming against his sleeve. I quickly looked away and clenched my jaw, closing my eyes shut, but I heard his voice, even though he didn’t open his mouth.

C’mon, you’re wasting your time. All of this, for what? This isn’t necessary, and you have really no one to despise but yourself. Who are you even doing this for? You can end everything right now by saying a single word. Yes. That’s all you need. Trust me, I can take care of the rest. Everything you want, I can give you. Just say yes. And it’ll be done.

And for a while, I believed it.

* * * * *

The knotted up boots came closer and closer to me each day, like they were carefully planning their steps. It wasn’t until right after midnight did I felt a warm hand gently touch my arm, which was shaking quite badly. The soldiers who were supposed watching me were snoring loudly like dogs.

I wasn’t sure if it was worse to hear the executions or to see them, but sleep, as usual, didn’t seem to come to me, although everything was fuzzy and full of static. Gentle fingers traced my face, and then I felt like I was being pulled into some sort of an embrace. The flash of a blade caught my eye, and I braced myself for a sharp pain.

Instead, the rope holding me down cut cleanly in half.

A strong burning sensation washed over my sore arms, and a sound must’ve escaped from my mouth, because something was clamped over it. A few moments passed before it was finally removed, and slowly, the soldier helped me to my feet, which I had forgotten how to stand or walk on. One by one, our steps fell into sync as we passed the many quiet shelters now full of sleeping people. The jingling sound of keys from the soldier’s hand sounded faded away, like a distant memory.

Once again, fingertips traced my palm.

I tried to talk, but the words were too slippery to climb up my throat. Instead, saliva trailed down the corner of my mouth as we reached the end of a far field, where several army trucks were parked in a near horizontal row. The soldier was much shorter than me, although they seemed to have a strong grip as I leaned against them. They kept glancing back repeatedly in the dark, dropping the keys twice.

This interrupted the jingling rhythm I had gotten accustomed to at this point. The squeaking sound of the truck door opening filled my ears, and suddenly the sensation of a seat cushion felt like heaven as I rested my head against the cool glass.

A loud blast of gunfire in the distance made the soldier in the driver’s seat gasp as they fumbled with the keys in the ignition. They slammed the door on their side so hard it made everything vibrate as the engine roared to life. Bullet holes started to appear on the hood, and the soldier ducked for a moment, shaking, pressing on the brake, before glancing down at the transmission. It wasn’t until all the headlights of the trucks around us began to glow did they began to keep hitting at the brakes.

I tried to help, but my body refused to move.

With a shaky hand, the soldier shifted the transmission again and mashed on the gas pedal, causing us to shoot forward. The popping sounds continued as their fingers tightened around the steering wheel, allowing the vehicle to swerve on the side as we followed the rough dirt path. A heavy cloud of smoke rose in the air, and I could hear the front door of the empty cage in the back swinging and forth as the bright yellow lights followed. Dark figures leaned out from the windows and fired round after round.

The soldier’s arm was bleeding, and their heavy breathing was the only other sound I could make out. The red line on the speedometer reached ninety five, then one hundred.

My eyelids were getting so heavy it was a challenge to keep them open. Their helmet had fallen off; the loose brown curls were flying wildly in the wind. Although the dirty, freckled face was plastered with fear, the large gray eyes were narrowed, focused on the road. They did not look at me, but I wanted to scream and cry in relief and rage.

Somehow, the road became a little bit wider until we were out in the clearing of the woods, the blood from Honda’s arm staining the seat and dripping all over the steering wheel. She didn’t even look at it, rather, clenched her jaw as we approached a bridge right above the river. At the very far end, several more trucks were parked, where soldiers had their semiautomatic machine guns pointed at us, the bullets leaving tiny clouds of dust on the ground.

With a heavy grunt, she jerked the wheel to the left.

For a moment, we were flying, floating in the air, and then the cracking sound of the bridge barrier rang out as I felt a strong gravitational pull take over the vehicle. There was a grusesome crack as a sharp pain appeared in my left leg. It suddenly felt cold and wet, blood mixing with the water that was starting to rush into the truck. It had reached our chests. The gunshots continued from above, even though they were more spaced out. Honda’s arm wrapped around my waist as she pulled me out of the exposed window, the vehicle’s headlights flickering on and off. Bubbles rose from her nose and her hair began to float in the dark liquid.

Black dots clouded my vision, and I was lost.

* * * * *

The colors around me became dull and fuzzy. Three blurry blobs stared down at me, and I thought I could make out crying almost. My entire body went numb as I felt myself being lifted up and carried, which made no sense, because I could walk on my own. Perhaps I was being sent back to the post. The urge to fight was coming up, but my body refused to move.

* * * * *

A lump rose in my throat, and I sat up quickly, coughing.

The tent I was inside of had makeshift patches made out of worn duck tape. Outside, it was pitch black, and the opening flaps leading gently blew in the cool wind. There was nothing but dark soil on the ground, and the scent of oak tree replaced the stench of decay that I had been surrounded by for weeks. One of the pant legs to my jeans were rolled up to my thigh. As I tried to move, a pain ripped though me, so bad that I grunted and grabbed at my left leg, which was covered in bandages and had some sort of brace on it. In the corner was a wooden crutch.

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A chill ran down my spine as I made out my reflection in the clay bowl of water next to me. Suddenly it felt cold in here.

The sound of quiet footsteps outside made my skin crawl as a dark figure stepped inside the tent, carrying a bunch of fruits and coconuts in their arms. Once they stepped outside of the shadows, I made out the light on Honda’s tired face. Her yellow sweater was stained with dirt and mud; the wet uniform discarded nearby. When our eyes connected she immediately dropped the items on the ground, causing them to roll everywhere and raised her hands to her face. Her arm was bandaged tightly. Beads of liquid formed at her eyes.

“You’re...you’re alright,” I stammered. "You...oh my goodness..you’re alright! Are you alright? How did we get here? How are the others? And Malcolm and Kia and Ha—”

She placed a finger on her lips, but a relieved smile appeared on her face.

More than anything, I wanted to stand up. As I tried to move, I winced in pain at my bandaged leg. Honda shook her head and quickly knelt down beside me, gently pushing me back.

“No, no, no!” she signed. “Stay, please. Easy. Don’t be afraid. I got this stuff from the city.”

“W...where are we? How long have I slept?”

A pained expression crossed her face. “Four days. Please, you must at least try to eat.” Before I knew it, she had plopped two mangoes on my lap and handed me the bowl of water. “We’re several more miles away from Selva. I tried to get us there, since I stole a map from the camp.” Honda then paused before pulling out a wrinkled piece of paper from her shorts. “It got ruined in the river.”

To my surprise, tears gathered in her eyes and spilled towards her mouth as she pulled me in a warm tight hug. For a moment, I sat there, frozen, before finally returning it. Her entire body was shaking, and she started to hiccup as she wiped her eyes. Slowly, she began to spell out the words in my hand.

“I’m a terrible driver. I am unwise in the way of your people to operate such a strange machine. I have put my village to shame by even thinking of trying to use one of them, but I had no choice, Sandwich King. I saw how fast they go. So I snuck into one of the general’s offices to steal the key. It is at the very bottom of the river now, and I destroyed your leg in the process.” When she looked up at me, her eyes were puffy and her nose was running with snot. “I’m sorry.”

I felt a lump rise in my throat. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, I should be thanking you for getting me out.” My voice cracked. “Please...don’t cry.”

“But how will you walk?” Honda rapidly signed. “And I don’t know how much longer we have here before they come and kill us. I can’t sleep, because I’m afraid of soldiers being in this area. And I’m so confused. Toku got angry and told me to leave. Everyone told me that you sold our people, that...that you did this to the water? But why? You wanted to sell me, didn't you? After all this time, you were waiting to sell us? You....you allowed them to take Benny and Papa away?"

Her words felt like hot coals burning against my skin. I had to look away since it was so hard to face her as I set the mangoes to the side. My stomach felt numb. Honda quickly grabbed my wrist, giving it a small squeeze.

“Tell me why,” she signed. “Please, just tell me.”

A wave of guilt washed over me; I should’ve known this day was coming, and that it was only a false expectation in my mind. That I had hoped she never found this out, so that I would not have to see the pain on her face.

“I have,” I whispered. “I've sent many of your people off to security camps. People our age. I ripped families apart, separated children from their parents, used this curse to allow more of the soldiers to do the same thing. It’s a burden that I have to carry everyday. Why? I think I was angry, and because they told me it was the right thing to do. I hated doing it, but I wasn’t thinking right. I know that’s no excuse. The first of your people I had ever seen were in Portia, with my starting mission to clear the area. They said it was for the best.”

She studied me silently.

“I never wanted to be a soldier,” I continued, ignoring the tears coming down my face. It had been hard holding them back. “Not really, even though I thought I did. But they never told me what they intended to do with the water source, and I destroyed the system in those cities.” When I finally looked up at her, my face felt so hot, and I clenched my jaw.

“You don’t hate me? Hate us?” Honda signed more slowly. “I was afraid you secretly despised us. But you don’t.”

“No, no, no. I’m asking you to forgive me.”

Honda looked away, my vision getting more blurry and distorted. Her hands were shaking, and I knew it was going to take her time to accept this. And that was okay. I buried my head against her shoulder, tracing circles of comfort on her thin back, her shaky sobs tearing me apart. As I slowly wrapped my arms around her, her heart beat against my chest; and she started to have more hiccups.

”Please. I knew I should've told you before, but you had just begun to trust me. I didn't want to lose you, or for us to stop being friends. But I understand if you don't want to anymore. I do, I just...I am so, so sorry. I didn't know how to tell you after all this time. If I could take back what I've done to your people, I would. I'm so sorry. Please. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’ll need to think of something. I’ll figure it out. But please, please forgive me.” My voice trailed off into a whisper in her ear. “I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you, but...please...I'm so sorry."

The look on her face shattered me, but I could not stop talking, even though I felt my heart would burst open at the seams.

“For all of this, for what I have done to you and your people. I didn’t know what I was doing, but like I said, that’s no valid excuse. I should have known better. If I had understood, I would’ve never done this. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but now everyone despises me, and they have a right to. How can I blame them?”

Honda sniffed, but rested her head against my shoulder. She was beginning to calm down, and I held her a little tighter, closing my eyes for a moment, memorizing her pulse. Her arms were wrapped around me; her breaths more smooth. Her heartbeat against mine comforted me. Water dripped down her chin and spilled on her collarbones. She smelled like grass and flowers, and her fingertips traced my palm. I fought the urge to hold her hand.

“You don’t hate us.”

“No...of course not. I despise myself. And the reason I didn’t tell you this because I wanted...I wanted you to like me before you despised me. So....so I can at least know what that feels like. To not be by myself all the time. Just for once. I didn’t want you to leave me alone, but...you can go if you want.” I swallowed hard. “You can go home. It’s alright.”

Honda’s eyes were wide. “No. I can not do such a thing, how could I? Please don’t despise yourself. It...it is okay. I’m glad you are here with me. It’s okay.”

The salt water tasted good in my mouth as she leaned closer, and gently placed a hand on my wet cheek.

“This is my fault,” I quietly said. “It is my responsibility. They keep heaping dirt over the dead corpses.”

“I understand.”

“I saw a soldier laughing and screaming as she kept firing at one, even though the person had been dead for days.”

“I understand,” Honda repeated, wiping at her face. “I saw it there. All of it. It was like the one Benny and I were at.”

For a moment, I didn’t know what to say, letting her words sink into my mind. Gently, her warm fingers wiped away a tear that had escaped down my cheek. She then scooted sideways and laid on her back on the ground next to me, staring at the worn tent. We rested there for a moment, watching the stars above and listened to the crickets.

“Sandwich King?”

“Yeah?” I said softly.

”I will take good care of you. I brought good fruit, you see? Right now we just need to find food, clean clothes, and stay hidden. Good food, so that your leg will heal. And whoever you meet that does not recognize who you are, will stay that way. This is our secret. They will look for you again. We just have to be more careful this time.”

“You need to find your family.”

“I’ll be fine, I know my brother escaped. I want to make sure you are okay. Just for a little while, before I leave. I am not leaving you now.” She paused. “I promise.”

“But I don’t want to want to hold you back. Besides, it’s way too dangerous if they do catch up. You could be killed.” Panic struck me as I turned to face her. “I can...I can do okay alone. I’m used to it. But I want to you to be safe.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I stay here with you. Best friends don't just leave each other."

Best friends.

Despite how messed up my face was from all the carrying on I had done, I couldn’t help but pull her up into a hug, resting my chin on her shoulder. She looked up at me, a slightly surprised expression on her face when she felt my warm arms around her, before she hugged me back and smiled at me.

“Stubborn as a mule, aren’t you?” I whispered.

Honda wiped at her red nose and sheepishly grinned as she snuggled against me. “I hate crying. It gives me a headache and wears me out. And we both look stupid.”

“I’m sorry...sorry to hear about how Toku made you leave. You didn’t deserve it.”

Her hand shook a little before she attempted to sign the words again. “You don’t have to apologize. He brought the soldiers to our group so they could hunt you down. He was quite angry with me, but I didn’t mean to cause that to happen. I...I just....” She released a stifled sob. “I didn’t get to say goodbye to Hagar.”

I watched her swollen eyelids close. My fingers held on tightly to her hand, which was always warm and soft. The bloodied bandage on her arm made me nervous. We needed to go the city as soon as possible to find some clean water to take care of that.

A heavy yawn escaped from her mouth.

“Honda?” I whispered.

After a small bit of movement, she lazily opened one eye, her kinky curls tumbling over her vision like a waterfall. When had her hair gotten so long? As she gave me a small smile and pushed it back with a freckled hand, something made my face flush, but the feeling quickly went as it had arrived.

“Do you think...maybe....you could teach me how to drive?”

She playfully slapped my arm. Our snickers carried on in the makeshift tent for a long time until our sides hurt.

* * * * * * *

Once Honda fell asleep, I got up on my good leg and grabbed the crutch, slowly hopping on it until I left the tent. The cold air made me shiver as I closed my eyes for a moment, letting my fingers wrap around the wood. For the first time in days, I could think clearly.

When I opened them, I almost jumped.

A little girl stood in the shadows nearby, studying me. Where she had been only skin and bones before; she appeared to be robust and chubby, and her hair blew loosely around her neck. Her dress and robes were long and colorful, and all the burns were gone from her skin. In her arm, she carried the doll I had dug with her into the earth. When she smiled at me and made a waving motion with her arm, my heart skipped a beat. She waited for me to hobble close to her before we made our way through the thick branches and trees. The tall grass tickled my arms.

Slowly, we walked together until we reached the top of a hill, in which the full view of Selva met my eye.

I couldn’t speak, and her little hand grabbed mine as we stood side by side silently, hearing the waves crash against each other. The scent of salt in the air made my nose tingle. I didn’t know why she had brought me here, and as I looked down to ask her, my mouth went dry.

The child was gone.