I feel Jade glancing at me every so often as we get ready for bed. She hasn’t pressured me to talk about A.J at all, instead she’s just waiting for me to bring it up again, though I can feel her curiosity. I know it’s important and I need to just come out and say it, but I just got her back, I don’t want to lose her again. However, A.J wants to meet Jade, and he has every right to meet her. I may not take care of A.J but he knows that I’m his mother, despite people’s objections I told him when he was younger. His parents and mine don’t know that I told him but I wasn’t going to keep something like that from him.

A.J is a smart kid anyway, he understood even in his young age that I was his mom but unable to care for him. When I saved up money and started working for Jade I asked if he wanted to come live with me but he declined which I understood. My Godparents have taken care of him since he left the hospital, they’re his parents even if I’m his biological mother. Jade and I settle into bed and I sit against the headboard, staring at the ceiling. How do I start this off? Every time I play the words in my head it just doesn’t sound right.

“Angel, stop worrying and just tell me”. I sigh for the hundredth time tonight and nod. I am worried that this will push Jade and I back, or worse…apart. I just got her back, I don't want to lose her, but if I do I know I have no one to blame but myself.

“Okay, I don’t really know how to start so l I’ll just say it plainly. Earlier you asked who A.J is, and well, A.J is the most adorable, smartest, positive little 7 year old I’ve ever met. And my son”. I don’t say anything, letting her absorb this new information. Jade pulls away from me, turning her body so she’s facing me, but I don’t meet her glare. The heat and anger is enough to burn me without having to see it for myself.

“Excuse me? Did you say "your son”? You have a child that you didn’t tell me about?” She spits the words at me as she stands from the bed, glaring down at me before scoffing, shaking her head and moving towards the dresser. Oh no.

“Wait Jade, I can explain”. I quickly stand from the bed as I feel panic begin to rise in my chest. I can’t let her leave like this. I grab her wrist without a second thought but she’s quick to yank it away, cutting her eyes at me with a look that says not to dare touch her at the moment.

“It seems to me that you’ve had plenty of time to explain, Angel”. She’s right…I did, but I didn’t. I’d gotten so used to burying and hiding the truth from the world that I could never find the right words or time to tell Jade about A.J.

“Jade, please” her laugh is bitter, cold, and as sharp as those emerald green eyes, blazing with fire, anger, and distaste. She shakes her head with a scoff, slipping on a black hoodie and pulling her hair up into a high curly ponytail.

“You have a lot of fucking nerve, Angel. Not many people have the balls to lie to me”.

“Jade, I haven’t lied to you”. Her laugh is once again sarcastic, breaking another piece of my heart. The worst part is this is all my fault.

“No, you just decided to play Little Miss. Innocent and withhold the truth. How self-righteous can you be, Angel? Sitting me down, berating me for my lack of honesty, blaming me for my past, telling me that I need to tell you of things no longer relevant in my life, yet here you are, keeping the present from me. To say you have balls is a fucking understatement”.

“I should’ve told you when we talked-”

“No, you should’ve told me when we met. Or is your son so meaningless to you that you would hide his existence from me?”

“He is not meaningless and it’s not that simple, Jade. If you’d let me explain…” I walk towards her but she simply rolls her eyes, bumping past my shoulder.

“You’ve lost your chances to explain, your last chance was during our last discussion where we agreed to be honest about our past. I suppose that is why you let me do most of the talking, hm? Sneaky little harpy”. Jade grabs her keys and the panic rises in my throat.

I can’t let her leave…I can’t let it end like this. I walk to Jade, standing in front of her, as tears fall from my eyes, taking the chance to grab her wrist. I just need her to stay. I don’t want to lose her.

“Jade please, give me a chance and I’ll tell you everything”. Jade looks down at me, her brows in a tight knitted frown, her eyes much like when we first met, cold, intimidating, and completely sealed off.

“Angel…”

“Jade please, I-I’m sorry. I know I fucked up, but please…I…I can explain, j-just don’t go…please” I plead through watery eyes, hoping that I haven’t destroyed the trust we were building between each other. Jade looks down at me, her eyes shine for a moment before she shakes her head, likely clearing it from whatever consideration she had of listening to my explanation. The lump in my throat grows and tears flow freely as I swallow the sob threatening to erupt from my throat.

Jade removes my hand from her arm before heading towards the door. “J-Jade, please” my words are shaky and full of panic. She pauses for a moment, her shoulder stiff and her hands clenched in a tight fist and I take a chance to step towards her, but stop as she glances back at me, cutting her eyes at me from over her shoulder.

“I don’t want to hear a fucking word from you at the moment, Angel”. The anger is enough to sound like hate and her warning is loud and clear. If I don’t leave her alone the punishment she’ll dish out won’t be one of pleasure that I’m used too but pain and anger.

Jade leaves without another word. All I can do is watch and grasp at the air as she walks out of the door.

“No…please” don’t go, my words are a whispered plea that I know won’t be answered. The sound of the door closing has me letting out a single sob, then another, and more until I’m a bawling, snotty mess on the floor, staring at the empty hallway.

It’s my fault.

Jade.

Please…don’t go.

‣‣‣‣‣‣‣‣‣‣

“Mommy?!” Leya calls my name, running into my room as I finish getting ready to go celebrate her birthday party. I can’t believe my baby is 4 years old, she’s growing up so fast I can’t keep up.

“Are you all ready to go?” Leya comes over, throwing herself onto the bed before vigorously nodding her head.

“Mhm, is Jade coming?” I inwardly sigh, and swallow the frog before giving Leya a smile.

“I’m not sure baby, go make sure your aunt is ready too okay?” That’s the fifth time she’s asked about Jade in two days.

“Awe, okay!” Leya pouts before running off and I sigh, she’s been missing Jade and I feel even worse. Their distance is a result of my fuck up and it’s not fair that Leya is hurting because of me. It destroys a part of me knowing that Leya or A.J aren’t okay because of me. I finish my hair, staring at my dull, dark, slightly swollen eyes staring back at me. The bags don’t help my pale complexion and tired eyes, making me look every bit stressed and exhausted. It’s been a week since I told Jade about A.J and she took off.

I reached out for two days after but after she didn’t come home, I thought it’d be best to give her space. I brought Leya back to my personal home with my aunt and Enrique. I told her about the fight and how bad I fucked up. She agreed that I should’ve told Jade, but also understood my reasonings having the insight of what led me to losing A.J.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

The anger, disdain, and distrust in Jade’s tone and eyes have been on repeat. I’ve been unable to sleep, I can’t focus, and it feels like I’m living life going through the motions.

I was mad at myself.

I pitied myself.

I tried to make excuses for my actions and justify my reasonings within my own mind. But now…I’m just numb. Like when the pain becomes so attached to you that it can be cast aside and labeled as discomfort.

I want to reach out to her, explain no matter how painful the story is, and tell her that it was never my intention to deceive her. She was right.

I had no right to ask her to bare her soul when I wasn’t ready to do the same. I thought I could keep two parts of myself separate but I couldn’t. It was hypocritical of me but what can I do? Jade wants nothing to do with me right now. Alexia told me that her parents and the press are beginning to take note of our distance with each other. Since we just got “married” it’s that much more noticeable. I told Alexia that I fucked up and kept my past from Jade after asking her to tell me hers, and now Jade wants nothing to do with me.

She asked if I wanted advice but I declined. I don’t want to make this situation worse or bring others into my problems. I messed up and I have to be woman enough to own up to my mistakes. I will reach out to Jade again, but right now my focus is on Leya and her birthday. I have to be positive and all smiles for her birthday. She deserves to have a good day, she’s four years old and deserves to enjoy a day just for her. I finally have the moment to throw Leya a big party so that’s what we’re doing. Cash and I rented out a fun center with a ball pit, slides, trampolines, an arcade, everything for kids and adults to enjoy.

Leya helped me make the list, inviting half of her class, Jade’s nieces and nephews, and of course Cash’s buddies. I also let her decide on the food she wanted and naturally she decided on pizza, she’s always been a simple kid. Something her and her brother have in common.

For her gifts, I got her a mini car car matching mine, books, clothes, and splitting two new beds she’s been asking for with Cash. I leave my room and find Leya downstairs with my aunt and Enrique waiting for me. My aunt eyes me but doesn’t say anything as we all leave. Since my car is in the shop, we all pile into Enrique’s truck and head to the venue. Leya is excited and cheering and it’s enough to keep a smile on my face…for the moment. After a thirty minute drive we arrive at the center and head inside to the room already decorated for her. Leya cheers, running to hug Cash and the girls, before greeting Cash’s buddies. Soon her friends and their parents begin to arrive and I go through the motions of playing host.

I play with Leya and do busy work to keep Jade off of my mind. I’m doing well for the majority of the party, keeping my composure so nobody suspects anything. Even the girls stop asking if I’m okay and enjoy themselves with their boyfriends. I’m glad that my friends are all happy and doing well. Taylor was hesitant to invite their men since I told them that Jade and I are in an argument, but I reassured them that it’s fine. I’m glad I did too, I even noticed Karla and Logan sneak off a couple of times.

Leya is having a great time and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. This place evokes happiness and fun…so why do I feel so somber? There are almost 50 people here but I feel so lonely. I used to go through life in survival mode, then I found happiness and contentment in my unconventional relationship and new life with Jade, but now…I feel more lonely than I ever have.

“Hey, what are you doing tucked away in here?” Monica asks, coming into the party room where I’m setting up plates and more drinks for cake. I quickly pull my lips up into the same practiced smile and shrug. Her and Jade wear the same perfume, Jade always smells amazing, even after her morning workout, or our long lasting sex sessions. I shake my head, forcing myself not to dwell on thoughts of Jade, at least, trying too. The longer time goes on the more prominent a certain Knight is on my mind.

“Just taking a break from all the games, we’re going to cut the cake soon”. Monica begins helping me set up the plates and I start cutting slices from the large cake, leaving Leya’s personal one for her to slice herself.

“Thank you for inviting us, my kids are having a blast and they adore little Leya, so much that they’re asking me for another kid” Monica and I laugh, though hers is not forced like mine. She has green eyes, though not as vibrant as Jade they’re similar enough to have my own watering remembering Jade's anger. I clear my throat, telling myself to pull it together and nod. I’ve been doing great all day, I won’t break down now. Not here.

“Of course, I’m glad they’re having fun”.

“It seems like the adults are having just as much fun as the kids, honestly I am too, it’s been a while since I’ve played around like this”. Monica and I laugh, this time more genuine as I remember finding this place.

“Jade and I brought Leya here for the first time a few months ago. Leya and I were bored and I saw this place as we were driving by, we begged and convinced Jade to stop, and wound up spending hours here until poor Leya could barely keep her eyes open”. We both laugh again before I trail off with a sigh, as I adjust the napkins and utensils as a way to stay occupied.

Jade…I never thought I’d miss you this much. I didn’t believe losing you would hurt this much.

“I spoke with Jade, she told me what happened”. My hands freeze at her words and I look down at the ring on my finger. Alexia told me to make sure I'm always wearing it when I leave the house, not that I had any intention of taking it off. Not unless Jade tells me she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

“Well, she’s your sister after all” the fake laugh doesn’t help my lame joke so I just shrug it off. I offer her my practiced smile instead before starting towards the door. “I should announce that it’s time to cut the cake”. I barely make it 3 steps before she speaks again.

“She misses you, ya know?” I suck in a breath of air at her words and swallow the hope threatening to well up inside of me. I doubt Jade actually misses me, I’m sure she’s just annoyed that her routine is changing again.

“I don’t know about that, not that it matters…” Jade made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me at the moment. I can’t blame her either, I wouldn’t want to hear a fucking thing I had to say either. Monica stares at me for a moment, a contemplating look on her face. Shit is she pissed with me too? I bet she’s going to tell me off, I bet her parents are having a field day right now. They were right about me, I don’t deserve Jade. I’m not good enough for her, she’s a queen and I’m just a lowly commoner.

“Does it really not matter to you?” Monica asks and I look down at the floor.

“What am I supposed to do? She doesn’t even want to hear an explanation. I understand, I fucked up and it’s on me but Jade is set in her ways, there’s nothing that will change her mind”. I frown clenching my fist as my frustration with myself and Jade’s refusal to listen begins to climb. I shake my head and continue towards the door.

“Besides, I don’t feel like begging to explain something I’m honestly not ready to talk about. So, no, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore”. What are the chances of this unconventional lasting anyway? It’s better this happened not before I got too attached.

Before it hurts too much to let her go.

I leave the room and head towards the arcade to tell everyone that the cake is ready to be cut. I keep the same practiced smile I’ve used all week, acting as if Monica’s words had no effect on my heart.

Jade, when did this start to matter so much to me?

I look around for Leya and find her cheering, playing and happier than she’s been all day and my heart cracks a bit further.

“Look Jade! I won” Leya grabs her tickets, happily showing them to Jade with shining eyes.

“Of course you did, you’re a natural”.

“Again, please!” Jade nods, sliding the card to pay for the game again and Leya quickly gets to work playing.

Jade. It’s only been a week, but has she always looked this good? I feel like I’m spotting my unattainable crush across the arcade with cheesy 90’s music and a spotlight solely for her.

Taylor and Karla sidle next to my side as I watch Jade and Leya play games together.

“Your wifey is looking pretty good, hm?” Taylor’s tone is teasing as she catches me not so discreetly checking Jade out as she bends over.

“And she’s got the mommy mode down?” Karla chimes in as they both bump my shoulders. I roll my eyes and look at both of them despite my warming cheeks.

“Whatever, we're going to have the cake soon”.

“Oh come on Angel, don’t act like you don’t want to fix this fight you two are having. So you fucked up so what its not first time and damn sure won’t be the last. No relationship is perfect but you still have a choice, you both do. Are you really not going to fight for your marriage or your wife?” Taylor says pointedly and I groan, turning away from Jade to look at my two friends.

“It’s not that easy, she won’t even listen?”

“Look babe, marriage isn’t easy, it's tough and rough and there’s going to be times where you two don’t see eye-to-eye. But when you both signed that paper, you made a commitment to each other. You have to go through the rough and tough times, together. I know you Angel, you wouldn’t have taken this big of a step if you weren’t sure of your feelings. She’s your wife now which means you have every right to fight for your marriage, no matter how difficult”.

“But if she won’t give me a chance to talk…”

“Then you get creative, you love her enough to fight for her, don't you?”