Chapter 57
Snakely Wonders
The black thing slammed down onto the counter. I had my hand out pointlessly, frozen in shock. I expected gore to explode from underneath it or at least a wet smacking noise but all was quiet. The merchant's entire existence had been wiped away like it was nothing. Crushed by his own wares. There was poetry to that. If Stephen was here maybe he could have written it down, spread the snake-ham’s story far and wide. But since it was just me, his death was in complete vain.
I didn’t even know what the thing that he wanted to show me was. He died for nothing.
“I… I’m so sorry.” I wondered if I should move the black object and bury whatever remained of his body underneath his massive piles of stuff. Would that make him happy?
In my grief, I didn’t notice at first but the object started to move. Slow at first but then it was rocking as if possessed. Oh fuck, the thing wasn’t satisfied with killing the merchant, now it wanted me, too.
“Hoooo-ahhh!” The object was lifted, the snake-ham underneath it, still a full little body and not a puddle on the counter.
“You’re alive!” I exclaimed.
“Of course! Me tough! Watch yourself, missss.” He tossed it down on the ground where it collapsed onto the dirt, leaving a bit of a crater.
How the fuck hadn’t the table been destroyed? And the merchant crushed?
He flexed his muscles. “Impressssed, Misss?”
“Extremely!” I squeezed one of his biceps with two fingers and they were as thick and solid as iron. “Damn, you’ve got some guns on you, little dude. I thought you were dead.”
“Tougher than I look, eh?” He puffed out his chest.
I don’t think I’d ever been relieved to find a snake alive but there was a first time for everything.
“Now, look, look!” He pointed wildly at the strange object, like just its mere presence was supposed to bring shock and awe.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t really know what it is?”
The merchant shook his head sadly. “That figures. It’s a disruptor. They use them on sssshipss.”
To my untrained eye it looked like a thick black bar, about half the size of my back. And at the very tip of it there was a large square that looked like it was a light, turned off at the moment.
“A disruptor? From the name, I guess they are used for disrupting radars?”
“More than radars. Everything.” He jumped down and pressed a button on the side of it.
At once, the square tip exploded with light. I screamed and looked away, the light too intense to stare at for even a second.
“Whoopsss, sssorry, sssseting too high.”
He messed with it again and the light diminished enough for me to look at it.
“You wanted pink, right?” He made some more adjustments and suddenly the thing was emitting a pink glow.
Even as he worked behind it, I couldn’t make out the merchant anymore, he was completely obscured in pink. Could this thing really be the answer?
“Can I try it on? Will it be that heavy or is it like the suit and sort of weightless once its on?”
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“Ah, of course.” He went underneath the table this time and came out with a little ball. He fastened it to the bottom of the disruptor. “With thisss, the weight is almost halved. Ssstill quite heavy. But you get used to it.”
I wondered if that thing was related to that handy gravity disruptor Angelia had us use. It didn't look nearly as expensive.
“Can I try it on?” I asked.
The snake nodded enthusiastically.
First I changed back into the suit I was going to buy. I wanted to see what the pair looked like together. Next, I focused on the disruptor and though I wasn’t too sure where to put it, it automatically latched onto my back. As soon as it did, my body lurched down from the weight.
“Ugh, yikes, this thing is still pretty dang heavy.”
I stood up straight, having only mild discomfort, but my movement was definitely more limited. I tried running in place, my body feeling sluggish and heavy. There was no way I could keep up my normal stamina with this thing on my back.
“I don’t know if this is going to work…” I said, about to unequip it.
“Wait! You must turn it on, ssssee what you think.” He ran up and smacked a button on the side of the disruptor.
It burst to life, at first blinding me yet again, but in my vision I could control the settings for the light. I turned it down, and cranked up the pink. On the lowest setting, the disruptor gave off a pink glow, like I was in a haze.
I searched though my inventory for a drone camera and threw it out. It flew around me, giving me a full view of myself, beamed directly to my eyes. I turned all around, amazed to see that when I moved, there was an after image, making it extremely hard to see where I was or what I had going on inside the light.
“This is perfect!” I exclaimed. But then walked it back. “But the weight…”
“The weight you can get used to! All you gotta do isss increasse your center of gravity to match the weight of the disssruptor. As you go about your life, you will ssslowly adjust to the weight. It’sss geniussse!”
I had to admit, that was a solution. What anime training was complete without weighted clothes?
I killed the light show and unequipped everything, setting them down onto the counter. The drone flew back into my inventory, making some cute beep beep noises, as if saying bye.
“How much?” I grimaced, preparing for the worst.
“Altogether, with the ssssuit… Two-hundred and twenty-two thousand Versecoinsss.”
I whistled. It was a lot… but from that discovery I made fighting the Slime and the victory money from beating the eldritch horror… I could spare it. But it was still a painful chunk.
“I’ll take it,” I said, already moving my money around.
The snake seemed shocked. “No haggling?”
“No, your price seems fair to me.”
“It isss fair! I alwaysss tell people that! I like you, misss.”
I laughed. “I like you, too. By the way, what’s your name?”
The merchants face darkened. “We do not ssshare names here. Big no no.”
“Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Sorry about that. Does your shop have a name though? How do I recommend you to people? You’ve been a joy to shop from.”
The snake’s eyes sparkled. “Really, misss? You are too kind. My shop iss called Lenny’ssss Sssnakely Wondersss.”
He smiled up at me but I just stared at him. “Whose Lenny?”
Without breaking his smile or missing a beat he said, “My grandfather.”
Somehow I doubted that.
But I didn’t push him. However, at least to myself, he would be hereby referred to as Lenny.
Lenny sent me an invoice.
[ Items to be sold:
> Pretty in Pink suit
> Disruptor
Total amount owed: 222,000 Versecoins ]
I added my money to the invoice.
[ Complete this purchase? Amount to be sent: 222,000. ]
I stared at that amount. My mom would kill me for even considering spending that much on ANYTHING. It was more money than I’d ever put toward one purchase. But I needed it. It would make me harder to hit which might very well save my life so…
I hit accept and a KACHING! noise went off, definitely not for me but for Lenny. The equipment teleported off the counter and into my inventory and Lenny was a whole lot richer. He did a little victory dance and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You really don’t get that many customers? Why are you back here, all alone?” I asked.
He completed his dance and shrugged. “No one likesss me. Don’t appreciate my work. Their lossss.”
And I could tell he meant it, he didn’t care about people’s opinion at all. What a wonderful way of being that must be. If more people were like Lenny then the Interverse would be a much better place. Although he did currently occupy just a small dingy corner of a black market so, maybe, we were all better off in our futuristic apartments.
But… it wasn’t me who was walking away 200k richer so maybe he did have things all figured out.
I looked to the entrance of the alley and, unbelievably, the big giant was STILL talking to whoever was on the other side of his bulk.
“Is there another way out of here?” I asked.
“Yesss. Just log out.” Lenny’s eyes were still in his menu. I think he was just staring at the money I gave him, dollar signs almost literally in his eyes.
For some reason it didn’t occur to me that they would allow us to just log out whenever we wanted. I’d been under the impression I would have to make the trek all the way back out of the pit and up through the bottom of the church. Not having to figure out the maze back and deal with the hell tunnel put me at ease. But, most of all, I was glad that I didn’t have to interrupt the talkative giant.
Funny how I could take on a literal towering monstrosity in combat but I couldn’t even tap a dude on the shoulder to ask him to please move.
Anxiety’s a bitch.