I'm not entirely sure what I was staring at. There, along the wall, was clearly a tarp of some kind. I imagine it was intended to allow whatever was behind it, likely an ogre in this case, to blend in with the wall behind him.

The path I was on looked like an old mineshaft, with large wooden beams, 6x8 by the look of them, preventing the ceiling from coming down on my head. Which I appreciated. Next to the beams was nothing but dirt, so you'd think they could properly hide themselves with their fancy ninja gadgetry.

But whoever was behind the thing was clearly stupid. Or perhaps he was dropped on his head as a little baby ogre. There was no plausible reason he should be this incompetent.

It was like watching Naruto. You know that one kid, Konohamaru, and how utter shit he was at hiding? It was like that, but with a grown ass monster. Well, luckily for the rest of them, natural selection was about to come around and clean up the gene pool.

Honestly, I'm not sure how they could tolerate such a shabby employee. He was obviously an incompetent; best to simply remove such people from your employ, lest they impact your bottom line.

In this case, that line was survival.

But you know, it wasn't just the tarp that was going the wrong way, the ogre behind it was also a mouth breather. I could hear him from here. Starting to think I was about to do them a huge favor. I should probably charge them for it. I can see the commercial for it now.

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Might have to workshop the name…

I mean, why was he even trying to pretend he was still hidden? I've been standing there for about a minute now, staring right at him. Did he have the intelligence of a frog or something?

"You know I can see you, right?" I asked sarcastically. Nothing. He said nothing in response to my statement. Little asshole must think he's better than me. Well, I'll show him! I tried to be nice, give him a fighting chance, and he threw my generosity right back in my face, like a used condom on prom night.

Don't ask.

So without further ado, I spartan kicked the tarp on the wall.

-53 Hp

You are now Bleeding

Time remaining: 2:00

"Ah, mother bitch," I screamed in pain. What the fuck was that!? Looking at the wall I was sure contained an mentally challenged ogre, the tarp fell down to reveal a wall of spikes instead. Ones that were currently going through my foot.

Ripping my foot out of the spikes, I glared at them with all the hatred of a pissed off Darth Vader. Why the fuck are those there!? And where the fuck is the ogre!? I could still hear him, sucking up all the oxygen he could.

Hang on a second, didn't the dungeon description say something about this? Let's see…

Lair of the Shadow Ogres (1 of 2)

The Shadow Ogres are a secretive and mysterious sect of ogres who maintain peace and stability amongst their kind. Trained in various arts, such as stealth, weapons, martial arts, ventriloquism, and more, they are capable of handling almost any task they are given. They are particularly fond of ambushes.

Oh god damn it! This is why I need to remember the things I read! The description of the last Shadow Ogre I fought said something similar, now that I think about it.

Now I just feel like a jackass for staring at a wall for a whole damn minute, and then giving it a warning. I'm sure glad no one is around to see this.

*Snicker*

Oh… I forgot about this asshole. "Alright, just get it out of your system. I have better things to do."

You… you should have seen your face! It was all like "Wuh?" Pfft, hahaha, oh my god my sides are killing me! And I don't even have those!

"Are you done yet?" I asked with a twitchy eye.

Almost. Hang on, just give me a-Pfft hahaha! It was just so goddamn funny! You could give one hell of a footjob now, can't ya big guy!

I sighed as I listened to the bane of my existence giggle at me. I looked at my Minimap, the one that was supposed to tell me where enemies were and shit, the one I was so proud of for getting.

I know it doesn't show hidden monsters at its current Rank, but the bigger issue was the side dungeon I found myself in. It blocked my Map features entirely. So even if it did show me enemies, I wouldn't have been able to see them anyway.

And it's not like I could see an enemy that wasn't there in the first place. Damn, they really got me with this one. Not sure how they knew I was going to kick it though. Or was there some other purpose to it?

It was clearly a trap, now that I take a minute to think about it. And now that the giggling has died down. But how was it a trap exactly? Clearly I was supposed to be able to see it, but why? What purpose did that serve?

Unless…

Reading the description of the Dungeon again, there was one point that stuck out to me. They are particularly fond of ambushes. Oh shit… Does that mean what I think it means?

You might want to look behind you.

Hearing the condescending tone of the System, who I really needed to name-

No you don't.

-made me realize just what this trap was for. An ambush. And I fell right into it. The heavy breathing I could hear from before was now right behind me. Ventriloquism, that sneaky bastard.

Before I could turn around, I felt a chain wrap around my neck. The chain itself was familiar in design, as it mimicked my stolen one perfectly. That could only mean one thing.

Forcing my head to swivel, I saw the visage of a Shadow Ogre, giving me a grin. He must think he's really fucking clever. We'll see who has the last laugh, asshole.

I watched as my Hp started to drop. Like the ogre I strangled earlier, it started off slow and picked up speed. But my woes didn't end there, because I now see the purpose of the spikes.

The ogre behind me was pushing me towards them, intent on impaling me. Unfortunately for me, he took me by surprise, so I was sent forward a few steps before I could stop myself. But rather than let my whole body be impaled, I used my already bloody foot to stop myself.

Thankfully my shoes stopped me from skewering myself again. The force being not nearly enough to pierce through the thin rubber soles. However, that doesn't change the fact that I need new shoes.

Those dirty, rotten little bastards. Maybe I'll just steal some shoes from them? See how they like it!

Looking down revealed a fatal flaw in my otherwise ingenious plan. They weren't wearing any shoes. How fiendishly clever of them.

Anyway, I need to do something about the jackass behind me and seeing the pointy object in front of me gave me an idea. Why not use their own trap against them. Poetry if I've ever heard it.

So, bending my leg, I used all my strength to launch myself backwards. Thankfully, it worked, and the ogre behind me wasn't strong enough to stop me. Man do I love muscle power.

Before he could correct himself, I twisted my body around, forcing him to do the same. The spikes were now behind me, and the ogre was between me and them. He seemed to realize my plan and tried to force me to go a different way.

But that wasn't going to happen. The power of my muscles were simply too great to overcome, and they longed for vengeance. So every time he pulled me in one direction or the other, I would pull him right back.

As this was happening, a secondary struggle was occurring, as I slowly but surely drove him backwards, towards the spikes. Soon enough, I felt my progress halt, and the ogre grunted in pain. So, with a vicious smile on my face, I forced him backwards even more.

The spikes themselves were maybe 5 or 6 inches long and let me tell you, hurt like a bitch going through you. Something the ogre seemed to agree with, as I forced inch after inch inside him.

I know how that sounds but you know what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutter!

I felt something warm and wet drench my head, and by the gurgling sounds he was making, he must have thrown up a good amount of blood. Good, that means he was just about done for.

So, with one final, hard push, the last bit of spike went through him. I could feel the tip poking me in the back. Again, not like that, you perverts!

The chain around my neck slackened, as the ogre finally died with one final choking sob. Stepping away from the body that was now stuck to the wall, I felt the tension leave me as I slumped over.

Man that was close. I can't let my guard down for a second in here. The first Shadow Ogre I fought really colored my opinion of them, because they were far more dangerous than I gave them credit for.

A mistake that almost cost me. And to think I was berating them for their incompetence.

My Hp was pretty low, but it was climbing fast. Must be because the damage came from being strangled, and now that my pretty little neck no longer had anything wrapped around it, it was regenerating quickly.

Good, but I still needed to rest. At least until my foot stops bleeding and I can walk at least somewhat normally. But that can wait until after I loot that asshole skewered on the wall.

Or as I like to call it, recycling.

After doing my civic duty, as any good citizen should, it was time to enter a state of deep Meditation. Hopefully that will stop the throbbing pain in my foot. The Bleeding Status might have stopped but it still hurt like a bitch.

But doing so out in the open rubbed me the wrong way, like getting a happy ending at a Taiwanese massage parlor. I do not like getting a rub down from a girl with an adams apple and a noticeable bulge.

Now where oh where shall I hide? I couldn't go far, not with my foot the way it is, so I need to find somewhere close I can hobble to. Looking up and down the dirt path I was walking, there didn't seem to be any immediate turns I could take.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

However, that's when a brilliant idea popped into my head. Well, brilliant or stupid. For you see, I just remembered I have a barrel big enough to hide in. Not sure how well meditating in a barrel will go, but hey, first time for everything.

Also not sure if they were stupid enough to actually ignore a random barrel sitting in their hideout, but I didn't have any better ideas. Besides ignoring my foot and not being a little bitch about having a hole in it.

And even if they did have the brains to inspect the barrel, that would just give me the opportunity to ambush them.

I think you know which option I chose.

Moving away from the scene that looked like it belonged in a slasher flick, I removed the barrel from my Inventory. Look at her… Isn't she beautiful? The Miss Universe of barrels.

And this pretty little lady was all mine.

Now all that's left is to get inside her. Climbing into a barrel large enough to hide myself in with a bum foot was a bit more difficult than I expected, and it may have looked more like falling to the untrained eye, but soon I was nestled safely within the confines of her most sacred place.

I must be way more hard up than I thought if I'm thinking dirty thought about a fucking barrel. Whatever, that's an issue for future me to deal with. Present me is currently wiggling around inside of a barrel, trying to get comfortable enough to Meditate.

Since I've only been spending maybe an hour a day on this Skill, it wasn't nearly as high as I would like it to be. But still, a 10% increase was better than nothing, and as soon as I found a comfortable position that didn't make my back feel like a pretzel, I focused on my breathing.

In and out…

In and out…

I could feel my heartbeat slow as Meditation activated. Now I just need to wait a while, maybe an hour or two, and I should be good to go. My Hp restored itself to full from 0 in roughly 24 hours, meaning I regained about 4.4% an hour or 42 points. Meditation brings that up to 4.8% so I would get back 46 points instead.

Not the fastest recovery in the world, but it would have to do. Hopefully recovering about 10% of my max would let me move normally. If not, I'd just have to deal with it.

My Stamina and Reiryoku recovered much faster, going from 0 to 100 in about 16 hours or so. Made my bed all the more worth it. And though I could have whipped it out and taken a nap, I wasn't about to risk it in a place like this.

And not just because I was afraid I'd wake up next to a horny ogre with whiskey on his breath. But after what I saw in the house, I wasn't willing to risk it.

As I sat there, in the darkness of the barrel, eyes closed, breathing slow, and heart calm, I felt my eyelids grow heavy. It shouldn't be a surprise they did, I was completely exhausted by the night's events.

I've been able to ignore it for a while now, considering my life has been in a constant state of danger. First from the poison, then from the loli, and now from the ogres. But it caught up to me, and now I greeted Morpheus like an old friend.

I'm not sure how long I was asleep for, only that I was awoken most rudely. My head hit the lid of the barrel. "Ah, fuck!" I swore; and loudly too. I looked around the darkness of my barrel, wondering where I was, before the memory of my plan returned to me.

Right, I was meditating, trying to regain a bit of Hp and heal my foot enough to walk without a limp. And then… nothing. Shit, I must have fallen asleep. But that doesn't explain why my head hit the lid.

Did somebody move me? But why? The who I could figure out, as the only enemies are the ogres. But why they were transporting me was another matter. They obviously found the barrel, but instead of killing me, they decide to give me a ride? Are they taking me to their leader?

That means I couldn't say the line! You know, "Take me to your leader." That one! I've always wanted to say that to somebody, and now they've ruined my chance. Dirty, rotten bastards.

That's assuming they are in fact the ogres. Just because they happen to be the primary enemies in this dungeon, didn't mean they were the only ones. I wouldn't put it past the System to add in some other group of assholes for me to fight.

Maybe I should jump out and punch them in the face, like that one scene from One Piece. You know, when Luffy shot out of the barrel he was sleeping in in the very first episode.

Good times, good times.

But unfortunately for me I believe I lost the oh so important element of surprise. When I swore after bumping my noggin, I assume they heard me. I could hear them chatter in a language I didn't understand.

But what I did understand was the sound of their footsteps approaching. That was less than ideal. Be that as it may, they still didn't know it was me inside this thing. Why they didn't peek inside was a mystery I didn't care to solve. I just assume they were the less intelligent members of their species.

And that was all I needed to assume.

I heard them come to a stop on either side of my barrel, Samantha. Yeah, that's right, I named my barrel Samantha. Got a problem with that?

Anyway, as I heard them come to a stop by Samantha, I prepared to execute a plan most daring. Listen to this, when they open the lid, I'll pop out, but instead of punching them, I'll smack them in the face with a club.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

The lid above me rattled as the anticipation within me grew even higher. The lid slowly came off the top of the barrel. Any second now…

Suddenly, a loud, growling noise halted the ogre's progress, the lid slamming back down onto Samantha. That was no way to treat a lady! Now I'm even more eager to give them a piece of my mind.

I heard them say something in whatever language they were speaking, making me groan to myself. Couldn't they just speak Japanese? Was that too much to ask for? We are in Japan, you know!

I mean, not technically. In reality we were in the head of an angry midget, but that's beside the point! The angry midget was in Japan, ergo, they should speak the fucking language!

Whatever… It seems like whoever entered was demanding something from them. I don't know what, because again, they weren't speaking Japanese. But whatever it was, apparently involved me, or more accurately, my hiding spot, because I immediately felt Samantha go on the move.

I kind of felt like I just got cock blocked. There I was, ready to whip out my big, hard piece of wood and give it to them, when some asshole comes around and changes their mind!

What terrible customer service! I should call their support hotline! I may not be able to understand the underpaid employee on the other end, but by god they would know my frustration!

Or maybe I'll just kill them all. At least then I wouldn't be put on hold for an hour.

Anyway, travel by barrel was not the most comfortable experience. It was like riding down an old gravel road in a car with absolutely no suspension. Doable, but your ass would be sore afterwards.

Again, just like the Taiwanese massage parlor.

But seeing as I now had some time to kill, I thought it prudent to check my Status, see how much Hp I recovered. Commanding the screen to appear, it looks like I got back… about half what I wanted.

Well shit… My foot didn't hurt too bad, so I'll still call it a win. My plan wasn't stupid, and you can't tell me otherwise.

…Maybe I should invest some points into Intelligence. Just a thought.

After about five minutes or so of bumpy travel, I could hear something in the distance. It sounded like a frat party. I may not understand the language, but I know the sound of drunken assholes when I hear them.

I could also hear the sound of drums beating in no way, shape or form to any kind of rhythm. My guess is they were just drunk and felt like beating the shit out of the drums, but they could just as easily be tone deaf.

My unknowing captors placed me rather harshly on the ground, making me bump my head again. So that must be what happened the first time. At least I didn't swear this time.

Whatever festivities they had going on must have been something, cause these guys are loud as hell. Waiting until I heard the sound of the ogre's who had brought me here to walk away, I gently and quietly opened Samantha's lid to see what was going on.

The room itself was big and cavernous, and unlike the hallway I meandered through before, seemed to be a natural formation. Festive lanterns decorated the walls and ceiling, hanging from pitons jammed into them.

A large bonfire roared in the center of the room, with drunken ogres dancing around it. And let me tell you, they weren't winning any contest. They looked more like gorillas being tasered. The only things they were missing were the lampshades over their heads.

Like I thought, ogres were having one hell of a good time. Each and every one that I could see were Shadow Ogres. Kind of weird that the ninja ogres were the ones partying it up, but hey, whatcha gonna do?

Me, imma get the fuck out of here. There were way too many of them to take on by myself. I counted at least 9, and there were probably more out on patrol or something. And that wasn't counting the big fucker sitting on a stone looking throne at one end of the room, surveying all beneath his domain.

Next to his throne was a long katana, with a blade around 4 feet in length. The saya was dark purple, almost black, and light purple cloth tied around the top half. The handle was long with a matching color to the cloth ties around the saya and it had a round tsuba..

Now, when I say he's a big fucker, that's compared to the other big fuckers in the room. Ogres weren't small, most of them topping around 9 feet. But this guy was easily a head above them, and that's me being generous.

Let's see just who you are, shall we?

Scanning…

60 seconds…

59 seconds…

Ok, while we're waiting on that to finish up, let's take another look around, shall we. I couldn't see much from my position, but it appeared they had a decent assortment of food, lined up on a rough worn wooden table. Several of them stood around it like it was the water cooler at an office, making small talk.

You'd think after finding that bloody mess they'd be a little more alert. Maybe they just thought he got drunk and triggered the trap himself? Or maybe they didn't know at all, considering the bodies disappear after I recycle their belongings.

But that still doesn't explain why they just took a random barrel deeper into their hideout. Maybe they…

Hold the phone… what's this I see? Looks like Samantha has some family members. I could spot several barrels scattered around the room. Ogres stood by these as well, dipping large cups into them before taking deep, guttural swigs.

They were very vocal about the whole thing. Not sure I liked it…

If I had to guess, they were likely filled with alcohol. I couldn't Scan the darn things until my previous one was done. But that was just… about… done!

Shadow Ogre Boss

Age: 35

Level: 12

Health: 994/994

Stamina: 660/660

Reiryoku: 744/744

Description: A leader of the Shadow Ogre Syndicate. He appears ruthless on the outside but on the inside, he's just as ruthless. Has a room full of severed heads removed from the bodies of intruders. An expert in Ninjutsu, he excels in ambush tactics and guerilla warfare. The only thing he enjoys more than killing is partying, and will look for any excuse to have a good time. His favored drink is Ayakashi Spring Sake.

Status Ailment: Drunk

Ok, so that has me just a wee bit concerned. His everything is higher than mine! That's just bullshit. But at the very least he doesn't like a straight up fight, so maybe he won't be as tough as I think.

Also, what the hell does Drunk do? Maybe that will help? Unless of course he just so happens to be a master of Drunken Fist or something. But there's no way my luck could be that bad, right?

Drunk

Through excessive consumption of alcohol you have lost the ability to walk in a straight line, piss without making a mess, and rub your belly while patting your head.

Agility -25%

Accuracy -50%

Coordination -25%

Increased chance of becoming Enraged

Huh, well that's handy. Maybe I won't be bent over one of these barrels afterall? Good, because I didn't want Samantha to see that. And if the big guy's description is anything to go by, I'm guessing these barrels are filled with that Ayakashi Spring Sake.

A quick Scan confirmed that belief. And that gave me an idea. If he loved the stuff so much, I'd make sure his next drink is to die for.

Luckily I had a nice full barrel of the stuff right next to me. Scanning it confirmed it was indeed Ayakashi Spring Sake. Perfect, with that I can put my ingenious plan into motion.

As you may or may not have guessed, I do not plan to take them in a straight up fight. Instead, I plan to use their love of alcohol against them, by poisoning a barrel, like the one right next to me.

With what poison you may ask? Well, that's simple! Karin provided me with a nice big pot of the stuff. I'm sure mixing a handful or two of her curry with the sake will work wonders.

But I can't poison all of them. That might sound like a good idea, but that would likely just alert them to an intruder. But if I only poison one of them, say… the boss, well, he might just think some of his men intended to betray him, take his place. If that happens, I'm sure he'll react more than a bit violently.

Being Drunk did make it easier to Enrage him after all. Not to mention the potential hallucinogenic effects of consuming the curry. Who knows what the poor guy is going to see?

My guess is demons. Or bees. Or demon bees!

Now I just need to figure out a way to get to the boss's private barrel. Looking around him, I happen to notice a drop off behind him, likely from a cliff. If so, I can drop to the ledge and maneuver my way over like I'm Nathan freaking Drake.

If this doesn't work, I am screwed. I know I said I was going to just leave earlier, but I have a good feeling about this plan of mine. It'll work, you'll see.

Now to put it into motion. Making sure there were no ogres gazing in my direction, I placed the barrel I was hiding in into my Inventory, rather than climb out of it. Thankfully it worked, and I felt real clever about that one. Wish I would have thought of it the first time I hid inside Samantha, but oh well.

Next I carefully and quietly removed the lid from the barrel next to me, which was much easier than you might think. The noise of the room covered up any noise I made while doing so.

Next I brought out the curry, hoping they didn't hear the moaning the abomination of cooking made upon its release. You know, part of me wants to release this thing in Hueco Mundo and see what happens. Maybe it'll fuck up all of Aizen's plans.

But the fear of how strong it could get made me think twice about it. Just imagine that thing, roaming around the desert of the Hollow world, consuming all in its path. That's some scary shit right there.

Anyway I had to act fast, as the smell of the curry was overpowering. With no utensils to aid me, I had no choice but to thrust my hand inside the pot, trying to hold back a scream as my hand was burned.

Did I really have this shit inside me? The fuck was I thinking? No wonder it basically killed me.

Grabbing a large handful of the goop, I chucked it into the pristine barrel of booze, forever tainting its purity. I did this until the name of the sake changed to Tainted Ayakashi Spring Sake.

That'll do.

Putting the curry back in my inventory and doing the same with the tainted sake, I looked around once more to see if anyone had spotted me. Nope, they were too drunk to pay much attention to anything. That doesn't mean I'll let my guard down though.

That was the easy part, now comes the hard part. Made even more difficult by the throbbing of my right hand due to that damnable curry, I cautiously lowered myself over the edge. Below me, I could faintly hear the sound of running water, maybe from a river.

So if things go south and I have to yeet myself off a cliff, I might not die. Good to know.

The stinging pain in my hand made it somewhat arduous to move along the edge, but I managed with only the smallest amount of mental cursing. I couldn't go fast, as I couldn't risk being heard, which only made the trip harder.

But eventually, I did make it over to the boss, being right behind his chair. Good, now I just need to be a sneaky sneak for a little while longer.

Climbing back into solid ground, I slowly and mindfully made my way towards my victim. I made sure each time I put my size fourteens down there wasn't some random fucking stick or something conveniently placed there ready to F me in the A.

Being behind the massive stone throne also made it easier to hide from the others as well. So even though my nerves were turned up to 11, I successfully reached the back of the throne.

Peeking out from behind the thing, I saw a large, meaty hand holding a goblet dip itself into the booze. Good, seems like he was still thirsty. And the barrel beside him wasn't so empty that he would notice a change in volume.

All that was left was the exchange. This was absolutely the most dangerous part. I was right next to the biggest threat in this place and just because he was drunk, didn't mean I could win. Especially not with all his cohorts who I'm sure would love to jump me.

I waited until I saw his cup rise again to take a drink, and quickly snatched his barrel away into my Inventory. Man am I glad doing that doesn't make a noise. Once it was secured, I swapped in the tainted barrel, with him being none the wiser.

Mission complete. Now to wait for the fireworks to start…