The trial took thirty minutes. There were minimal introductions. Osiris said who he was. God of death and rebirth. He was impossibly buff and wore a funky hat that looked like a towel wrapped around his head. He held his crook and flail in a cross on his chest and kept them there the whole time. He explained to me the big scale. He told me that I would sit on it and that my sins weighed me down. If I weighed equal or less than a magic feather, I would be free to go to ‘The Land of Reeds.’
I didn’t meet every other ghost individually but they were the jury. They were in vastly different states of decay and many wore clothes from different places and time periods. I approached the scale, shaking, and sat down on it. The plate I was on went down like a rock. I heard the metal clang on the stone ground as everyone watched the feather fly off and drift toward the ground.
“Guilty. Straight to The Duat.” Osiris said, pointing his flail at me.
“Hold on a second!” I screamed.
Osiris ignored me, and asked if there was dissent in the ruling. The crowd murmured, as I waited, desperate for any sympathy. This whole thing was a kangaroo court. It was trumped up charges. I hadn’t done much wrong in my life. I hadn’t done much at all!
I whispered to Anubis, “This is a kangaroo court.”
Anubis looked at me confused, “I’m a dog.”
I shook my head, “This isn’t a magic feather! I wasn’t ever supposed to make it past this feather. They just put a fatty on there to make him look ridiculous! How often does someone pass?”
Anubis gave me a sympathetic look, “Sometimes. Not as often as you’d like. Not everyone gets into heaven, Aiden.”
“Anubis will take you the rest of the way,” Osiris said sternly.
“Hold on a second!” I yelled, “This is a… what the hell did I do wrong to make the feather not like me?”
“The feather did nothing. It was a reflection of your soul,” Osiris said.
“My soul?! My mind is telling me that I did nothing wrong! Why does my soul disagree?!”
“Would you like us to pull evidence?” Osiris asked.
“Yes! Please show me all the ‘bad’ things I’ve done.”
“Really? You’re sure? All of the things that will send you to hell will be shown to everyone.
”
“Why? Scared?” I said, pointing at Osiris.
“No.” Osiris breathed, “I'm not scared. But just so you know, if we pull up everything you did wrong, that includes every time you’ve coveted someone, every possible thievery, every google search that-”
“Alright, alright,” I interrupted, “Send me to hell. Better an eternity there than having to listen to this one babble for another minute.”
Osiris rolled his eyes and pointed to a canal where the orange glow of fire burned heavily. I could hear the screams ring through the stone canal. I swallowed my saliva, fear filling me up. “Anubis will see you the rest of the way.” Osiris turned to Anubis, her head facing down as she contemplated, “Right, Anubis?”
“It’s just…” Anubis murmured, “He did a really brave thing. He gave up his life for a young girl to live. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Okay, without showing all the bad things he’s done, let’s get a brief glance at young Aiden’s life.”
Anubis, the 42 lost souls, and I both looked at a large tapestry that rolled itself down on a wall. There was an embroidery of me sitting on my laptop. Things would change around me and I would stay on my laptop. I was a boy on my laptop. The weather would change. Different people would interact with me. I became a teenager. My brother went off to prom and I would be studying a new framework. I was a man, I had gained weight and let my beard grow out around my neck. My father had passed and I didn’t go to the funeral. I would stay inert, needing to check on another bug in my programming. My whole life flashed before me and… nothing much. A life of waiting on the sidelines.
“It takes more than not being bad to get into heaven. You did not do bad but you did nothing. There is only one significant act he did that could potentially be called noble and it was the last act he ever did.”
“But you’re saying it was significant!” I said.
Osiris' sigh boomed so loud it caused a large gust of wind to rock the boat Anubis and I were on. He turned to the 42 lost souls, all sitting in an amphitheater across from the stage, “To reckon with this last minute act of kindness, we will have a vote for this lost soul. Will he go on to the Land of Reeds, or down to The Duat? Who believes this soul has done enough to grant him access to heaven?” Wearily, hands started to come up. Knights, a nun, a ninja, farmers, people in regency attire all lifted their hands up. I counted one at a time, pointing and losing track and starting my count over.
Without exhausting any effort, Osiris said, “Twenty one.”
“Uh-oh,” I whispered to Anubis, “I’m guessing I know what happens if there’s a tie?”
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Anubis nodded her head and whispered back at me, “It goes to da big guy,” She thumbed at Osiris.
Osiris called the nay vote. All the people who didn’t raise their hands before raised them. Except for one guy. A gaunt-looking corpse with wispy long hair and a big bald spot on top.
“I count 20,” Osiris said.
Wait a minute, was this it? My chance at heaven? I saw the guy who was standing there. He looked like a zombie, different chunks of his flesh not there at all. He was stoic with his arms crossed.
“Serpis?” Osiris said, “Serpis, have you voted yet?”
A snake popped out of the corpse’s eyeball. It slithered around his neck and propped itself up on his skull, “Nooooo,” The snake said, “I vote for him to go to hell.”
“Did you even hear the facts, Serpis?” Osiris said.
“I don’t need to,” Serpis said, “I’ve got a great internal moral compasssss.”
“Right,” Osiris said, "It falls upon me.”
Osiris looked at me, his eyes cast down at me. I felt the heavy weight of the towel-crown in his stare, topped with a slightly apologetic look.
“Can I say something?” I asked, “Closing arguments if you will?”
Osiris gestured to the crowd. I looked at the amphitheater of freaks and monsters.
“I know you all are a council of Lost Souls. That makes me think that you didn’t quite find your way in life. Well, I can say the same thing about me. I never quite found my way. I had programming, but it was everything else that I let fall apart. I never asked out the girl I wanted. I never… If there was a way to do it again, if there was a second chance… I’m sure all of you would take it. And do it a hell of a lot better than the first time. And I guess what I’m saying is… I would too,” and in a burst of confidence, I said, “I’d fucking kill it.”
I looked at Anubis while her tail wagged nervously. “I’d kill it,” I repeated, more to myself than to others.
“Does that change anyone’s vote?” Osiris asked.
No one raised their hand or said anything. I supposed it was my last shot. You couldn't blame me.
“With that,” Osiris said, “We’re getting a little backed up and need to do a lot more souls. My decision is-”
“Wait!” Anubis cried out.
Osiris let out another breath, deeper than the last, “For the love of me,”
I turned my head. Every soul in the amphitheater turned to look at her. Serpis turned too, then used his tail to push the body he was using so that it turned as well.
“Before you send him to either or,” Anubis said, “Consider the fact that he died early! And that this great act of kindness has split the decision away from heaven or hell… then maybe the solution is a do-over?”
“A do-over?” Osiris’s mountainous voice filled the room.
“A do-over!” I said, “That is a really good idea! Place me back on Earth, same as you found me. Better actually. Huge shoulders and six-pack and watch me soar!”
“A do-over?” Osiris said again, “Surely, not on Earth. No one can come back from the dead there anymore. That has long been forbidden.”
“I hear what you're saying, your honor,” I said, “But a do-over does sound appealing.”
“Not Earth!” Anubis said, “What about Kemet II?”
“Sounds lovely, where is that North Dakota?” I asked, “You can just drop me off there and I’ll-”
“NOT NORTH DAKOTA” Osiris yelled, “It is a new land. One vastly different from yours. It is still in its early days, Anubis. What could putting him there do?”
“We give him a chance to live differently. If he dies, we can judge him again. I believe that he will use his new life extraordinarily. Besides, people drop like flies over there. They need bodies.”
“Kemet II?” I asked Anubis. She winked at me instead of giving any useful piece of information.
“Osiris rubbed the striped green and white accessory on his chin, “Kemet II. Our new world. Life is still in its cradle.”
“Wait, am I going to land on some primordial goo?” I asked.
Osiris waved his hand, “We’ve moved past all that goo stuff. No evolution there. Different origin story.”
Osiris was still mulling it over. My entire soul for eternity and he was mulling it over. Jesus. I wondered, what would I say instead of ‘Jesus’ over there? What did he mean by ‘different origin story?’
I saw in Osiris’ irises. He was leaning toward damnation. I whispered to Anubis, telling her that I appreciated her try, but I think it would be hell for me.
Anubis turned to me, placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “I've got one last trick I can pull,”
Osiris glanced at Anubis. She had her closed fists covering her mouth and was giving Osiris a pleading stare.
“If you’re going to do your trick, do your trick.”
“This is the trick.”
“This is your trick?” I whispered.
“I’ve given him puppy dog eyes!” She whispered back.
I was doomed. Osiris watched Anubis, catching her puppy dog eyes. He sighed and pointed his crook at the wall next to the ‘hell’ channel. The bricks moved on their own, shifting from the wall and creating a beautiful stone archway. The water redirected and went through the new entrance. As opposed to the orange light of hell and the white light of heaven, this entrance shined dreamy greens and blues.
“See you soon, Aiden,” Osiris said.
I bowed to him. He waved his hand, commanding me to get up. I got on the boat with Anubis and she drifted me past the amphitheater on my left side, with the stage on my right. I nodded to them. Eventually coming up on Serpis.
“Watch your back, I’ll get you to hell one of these dayssssss,”
“Watch your back,” I mumbled.
“What was that?” Serpis asked.
“Nothing!”
We exited the amphitheater and I saw the drop off. The canal slanted downward and the boat sped up. I hugged Anubis tightly, “Thank you so much, Anubis!”
“Of course! And I believe you’ll do great in the next life.”
“Can you tell me more about it?”
“You’ll be born again to a new family. You’ll get your second shot.”
“Will I see you again?” I asked.
“Hmmm, I’ll be sure to stop by! I’ve got some vacation days saved up. But until then,” She approached me and licked my cheek, panting. I closed my right eye as she did her work and a glowing sigil appeared on the cheek she licked me, “There’s my blessing. Use it wisely!”
The boat steadily got faster as we approached what looked to be a waterfall.
“Oh!” Anubis shouted over the rushing water, “What do you want your new name to be? I can pop it into your parents’ heads if you want.”
The boat propelled toward the waterfall and I was running out of time. I thought to myself, what would be my name? What could I take with me to the new world? And suddenly, I had it.
The canoe stopped immediately, I was flung off and hurled toward the new world. I looked back at Anubis and let the answer slip through my tongue.
“Egen,” I said, “Egen ‘Danger’ Snakebite.”
Her voice got smaller but a soft “I’ll try” was heard as I hurtled toward my new family. I could see the light shining. I was about to be born, I could feel my body attempting to strain through my mother’s walls, but as I did, I felt something else. I started to choke. I grabbed at it, but I no longer had arms, I had little uncoordinated nubs. I knew what this choking was. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. If this world was as new as they said, they probably weren’t equipped to deal with this medical malady.
I was just being given birth, and I was about to die all over again.