Pain. Lots of it. A taste of liquid metal in my mouth. Lots of it. I could barely see straight and when the ringing had slowed down and my vision cleared up, I saw what I needed to see. My brother holding Lucilla, she was crying in his arms. Safe. I closed my eyes. The beeping I heard from the ekg played a much longer tune, and suddenly it was nothing but black.

Then…. Humming? That couldn’t be right. I didn’t want to open my eyes. My guess was that somehow the anesthesia didn’t take? That must be it, I thought, I’m getting opened as we speak and I’m somehow a party to it.” This was dicey…. There must have been a better choice of words. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see my own insides out.

The surgeon’s humming continued, until finally a feminine voice went, “Hey. Wake up.”

I kept my eyes closed.

“Wake up! I know you’re awake. I can hear you panting.” I shook my head, ‘no.’ Hoping the doctor would get the message that I would play ball and let whatever was happening to me continue.

“Wake up, silly!” I was greeted with a splash of water that hit me and my eyes burst open.

I looked around. I was in a dank stone hallway lit by torches. What the hell kind of hospital was this? I thought. I propped myself up and felt the boat I was on shake. A boat? I grabbed the edges and pulled myself the rest of the way up slowly. I was on some long canoe in an endless corridor and when I looked down, I realized I was naked too. I quickly covered my most precious bits.

“Don’t worry,” The young woman in the boat with me gave me a smile, “I’ve seen way weirder bodies than yours!”

She was a beautiful young woman, she couldn’t have been more than two years younger than me. She had jet black straight hair, was wearing some kind of white flowy dress, and when I looked at the top of her head, I saw two triangular black dog ears coming out the top.

“Are you a nurse?” I asked, hesitantly.

“Nurse?!” She said, looking around, “What about this reads 'hospital’ to you?”

“I guess… the cold demeanor? The lack of bedside manners? I was in a truck accident so I thought I’d be a little more mangled.”

The woman looked at me strangely as she kept using the stick to push the boat along.

This time, more gently she asked, “How many hospitals in your world look like this?”

I looked around again, the cold from the stone and water settling into my bones, “I guess, none.” I said, “Was I patched up? I must have gotten mangled pretty good.”

“I didn’t stick around to see the body, but from what I saw, it was pretty bad.”

“You didn’t stick around to… Wait… you’re telling me I’m…?”

“Dead, I’m afraid. Absolutely slaughtered on impact. Sorry. I know that must be shocking to hear. It mostly is to the younger ones.”

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

I looked at my hands, and for a brief moment, I noticed they weren’t fully opaque. I could see the boat floor on the other side. It started to occur to me exactly where I was, “I’m dead. And you’re a psychopomp.”

The girl gave me a glare, “A psycho-what? You didn’t talk to my ex before appearing on this boat, did you? Because he should have just shown me the scrolls he was sending if he was ‘just friends’ with that shrieking water spirit.”

“I.. no. You’re someone who guides souls to the afterlife.”

“Oh. Yeah. I’m a psycho-bitch. Literally!” She pointed to her ears.

“You’ve got ears, does that mean you-”

“Got a tail to match? Yeah. It’s under the dress.”

The woman adjusted her seat, revealing a long thin black tail that poked out of her dress and wagged.

“I meant… you’ve got the look of a basenji. Black hair. Straight black ears. You’re a psychopomp… everything here looks\ Egyptian in origin.”

There was a little glint in her eye as she turned fully and stuck her hand out, “Anubis! At your service. Bark!”

“You didn’t bark. You just said ‘bark.'”

Still, I reached out and shook her hand. She gave me a peppy smile before turning and pushing the boat along.

“You’re the first one in a while from your neck of the woods that’s gotten it correct. That’s right. And if you’re such a smarty pants, let me ask you. Do you know where we’re going next?” She pointed at what appeared to be an opening further down. It was beaming with an orange light. I turned back and saw where we came from. From about the point we started, it was a sheer drop off of darkness. That must have been the way back to the mortal coil.

“We’re heading to be judged by Osiris and a council of forty-two lost souls.”

“That’s right! And they get to decide if you’ve been a good boy and get into heaven, or need to spend eternity in the dog house. Bark!”

“Yep,” I said, letting out a breath of air. Did I even have air as a ghost?

“Don’t get too down! I don’t know if it makes you feel any better, but you weren’t supposed to die there!”

“I wasn’t?”

“Nope! You were supposed to die about ten years later, penniless and single. I believe the fates mentioned a belt and maybe your pants were down and… the computer had thirty tabs open with the search-”

“Alright, that’s enough!” I said, “That’s fine, thank you. You’re telling me I wouldn’t have done shit? I wouldn’t have gone to the gym? Asked out that barista? The game?! The game I spent years working on would have been for nothing?”

Anubis shrugged.

“Unbelievable. Maybe it’s good that I died. Heaven has to be better than this.”

“Sure, but… Hell’s not,” Anubis said, upon my terrified look she said, “But hey! The fates could only predict where you would have ended up had you stayed on your path. It’s a prediction! You didn’t die alone in your home. You died in the street, like a…”

She pointed at her dog ears.

I leaned back in the canoe, outstretching my arms and staring up at the ornate ceiling tile as we kept wading through the water.

“Anubis, what are the chances I get sent to…” I pointed my thumb down at the ground.

“Well, technically you’re already here, so you actually mean there,” She pointed her thumb to the right, “No wait… slightly farther west,” She readjusted her thumb, “But I saw that last act of heroism! I was there for the little girl and you saved her!” Anubis slapped my chest lightly, “That’s not nothing! And I’m sure that will tip the scales in your favor!”

I looked at the scale I had been asked to sit on. My feet were touching the ground. On the other plate was a stupid feather. The difference in weight had caused the feather to leap off the plate and it drifted to the floor. I had failed.

“Guilty. Send him to Hell.”