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Alayna

Saturday 6th October, 825

I had not had a great few days. It was like a noxious haze had swallowed me. I felt ill. I barely slept or ate. Mum was at her wit's end, wanting to send me to the hospital. When she spoke to me I barely heard her. I tried hard to concentrate on what she said but it just sounded like static. After a day of despondent silence, she got angry, screaming words I couldn't hear before she gave up and left me alone. Everyone was angry with me but I couldn't help it. Everyone apart from Lucas and Leesa. They came by once every once in a while but I didn't register them. I just stayed in bed. Exhausted and broken.

I couldn't remember what day it was when I heard Mum and Dad shrieking at each other. They didn't argue like that. Ever. It brought me out of whatever I was doing. Maybe I was asleep; I was in bed but I didn't feel rested. Groggily, I made my way to the hallway.

"Julie, he's killing her. We're putting a stop to this," Dad shouted.

"Rhys, what the hell do you think we should do? We need to get him help. He's just as unwell as she is!" she screeched.

"Help? How? He's already destroyed the city. I heard him laughing about it with Aaron. We need to keep her away from that prick too."

I held in the sob threatening to escape; Ben wasn't okay and I was only adding to their mountain of concern. They had enough on their plate with him… One less burden would be a good thing for them. I was better off not dragging them through the misery with me. I might meet Jax.

I stepped forward to peer into the living room, tripping on the frayed carpet and, weak from days without food, fell against the wall. They both fell silent and Dad moved to the hallway, spotting me instantly. He swore before hobbling up the stairs, quickly for a man with a back injury, and picked me up. His beard couldn't hide the devastation on his face. Ben was right, they were freaking out because I was being so pathetic.

Parasite.

Without missing a beat I spoke.

"I'm starving," I lied. "Can I have some food?"

Dad smiled a kind, strained smile. "Yeah love. What do you fancy?"

"Whatever."

After forcing down the food I went to the bathroom and wretched into the toilet, though managed to keep it down. I had a cold shower—we hadn't had hot water for a few months—and dressed, pretending I wasn't mental. When I was up, Mum called me to the kitchen and my insides anxiously clenched.

"Sweetheart, how are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm fine Mum. I think I've been ill or something. Honestly. I'm fine."

She didn't smile.

"I'm meeting Aaron for lunch," I continued.

He'd left me alone the first time I asked, not checking in. I appreciated it. I wanted to be alone. I knew I wasn't meeting him for lunch but it's not like he'd say no.

"You're not meeting him for anything," Dad barked.

"I thought you'd want me up and about," I challenged. "I want to see Aaron."

The anger fell from his face, "Love, I think spending less time with him wouldn't be the worst thing."

"I'll think about it," I lied. "But I want some fresh air anyway."

Mum and Dad exchanged worried glances.

"Sundown is six twenty-one. I want you back two hours before then. If you're not, I'll have the whole Grange out looking for you."

I pulled the muscles in my face to make a smile, "Yes Daddy."

He scoffed but smiled despite himself.

I went straight to the base figuring I would find someone there to make me feel more human. It was the worst thing I could have done. Tortured male screams ricocheted along the cement corridors. Standing rigidly in the doorway, I knew I should have left… But I couldn't. What if it was Ben?

My feet carried me forward and my stomach turned over at the scene. Aaron and Charlotte stood, arms folded, leaning against the far wall of the training room while Ben and Riley stood over Chris who was contorting in agony. Riley had a hand on his shoulder, muttering next to him. Cursing him. Causing what looked like unimaginable pain. The lights overhead flickered as if Riley was pulling the electricity from the air to fuel him.

"I don't have time for your shit. Who have you been telling our plans to?" Ben seethed.

Riley stopped his curse and Chris whimpered pathetically, unable to answer Ben's question.

"I'm talking to you," Ben screamed, driving his boot violently into Chris's stomach.

Gasping for air, Chris could barely muster the strength to cough, let alone speak. At this, Ben's face brightened with an evil sneer that snuffed out something vital in me.

"Do it again," he commanded.

With another chant from Riley, Chris's agonised howls filled the space again, his hands clawing at his skull. His muscles tightened precariously as if they were seconds from fraying under the strain.

I barely recognised my voice as it floated into the room, feather-soft. "What is wrong with you?"

Ben didn't even look up from Chris but Aaron did, rushing to pull me into a hug.

"Alayna, I know you've been down, but this—this isn't where you should be," Aaron murmured close to my ear, a quaver in his tone betraying his stress. "I was worried sick about you; we all were. But you have to leave."

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The shock of rage that coursed through me was as sharp as broken glass. I'd been thinking of all the ways to end my life in bed for days and he had been passively watching Ben go mad. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe Aaron was bad for us.

I felt the warmth that came with Aaron trying to wrap around my thoughts and firmly rejected it. I wanted to be angry. It was the first time I'd felt anything beyond numbing depression in weeks.

Breaking free from Aaron's hold with a swift twist, I bolted towards the armoury. My fingers closed around a vial of Rithum—Yalma's book said it temporarily removed familiar's magic. Aaron just chased me like a puppy speaking words I couldn't hear.

Back in the training room, I launched my fist at Riley's face, vial of Rithum in hand, and shattered the glass against his still. The glass cut his face as acid-green liquid marred his stunned expression. But it also cut my skin.

And sweet fucking shit, the pain exploded with the force of a bomb in my hand.

Aaron was on me in the next second. Without hesitating, he stuck his mouth over the wound and sucked hard. Like he was drawing snake poison from a wound, the pain lessened in an instant as Riley spluttered ahead of me. The Rithum had clearly not caused him any pain.

"You—Alayna! What the fuck?" Riley hissed between coughs.

Aaron pulled me violently backwards but I wriggled free, rushing straight to Ben and smashing my already pulsing fist as hard as I could into his face. He stumbled backwards as Aaron's grasp found me again. I thrashed and screamed until he let go and ran to Chris, pulling him up into a sitting position. He grabbed at me weakly.

"You okay?" Ben asked Riley.

He didn’t ask about my hand. He didn’t care.

"Yeah," Riley grumbled, rubbing at his temple. "I'd been using too much extrinsic anyway. Needed a break."

"How long before you're useful again?" he asked.

Throwing a spiteful look my way, Riley sniped back, "She didn't get me with much. Maybe twenty minutes."

Ben turned his murderous gaze to me, "Get up."

"Make me," I growled. He would make me and I would hit him again. At that second, adrenaline was clouding the agony in my hand that was slowly starting to creep up my arm.

"He's the rat Alayna," Ben barked, wiping the blood from his nose.

"No I'm not, you madman!" Chris cried as Riley stepped forward.

I glared at the familiar and spat, "If you curse him again I will cut you when you sleep."

Riley's jaw clenched, looking to my psychotic brother for instruction.

"Ben, you've lost your mind," I seethed.

"I told him I was taking rebels to Garth to stop Lambentian soldiers docking. They're invading our damn country, Alayna! We're hardly going to make it easy for the golden-eyes bastards! I didn't tell any of the rebels what I was going to do. When we arrived not only did Lament know we were coming, they were waiting to ambush us. Nobody knew but him. Nearly a hundred rebels died."

A chill crept over me, Chris's trembling arms still clinging.

"Chris?" My voice cracked like thin ice.

"I'm telling you, it's not true. I didn't tell anyone," he pleaded, eyes wide pools of panic. "I bet Aaron and Charlotte knew though."

Charlotte chuckled darkly, "I'm sure blaming us will help your cause."

Chris hung his head, defeated.

"He's also a familiar," Ben growled.

"How do you-"

I didn't get to the end of my question before Riley spat, "I need to touch him to curse him. Our intrinsic magic works on everyone, mortal or familiar. But if we cast magic that wasn't born with us on other familiars, we need to physically touch them to do it."

My chin cocked up definitely, "So what if he is one. That doesn't mean shit. Half the familiars here don't speak up and hurting one of them doesn't make it more likely they will."

"He told Lambent our plans. He's a familiar. Fuck knows what else he's been lying to us about. We need to find out." Ben spoke with such certainty that he was right, making the hairs on my arms stand up with a chill I didn't think would ever go away. "Alayna, come here," he ordered.

I just shook my head, unable to move.

"He's got a hundred lives on his hands! And you're going to take his side?" Ben's words pressed down on my lungs. The air felt thick, like trying to breathe through wool. "He's helping Lambent. They're going to start a war and that rat will get us all killed. Get up and move."

My body betrayed me with reluctant steps forward; Chris' grip on me was pleading, but I unwound his fingers from my throbbing arm. As soon as I broke free, Aaron's hands wrapped around me, drawing me in close.

"Listen, Birdie," Aaron whispered with urgency, "this is messy no matter which way you look at it, but it's right. He's dangerous—could've sent any of us to the grave along with those rebels."

Inside my head was a battleground: guilt wrestling with revulsion wrestling with exhaustion wrestling with... Aaron's solid grip; something fixed in a world gone mad.

I switched off every screaming thought in my own head and let Aaron lead me away without another word. No warmth came from him this time. My stomach twisted itself into knots with each step I took away from Chris' screams. They drilled into my ears as he begged for someone—for me—to help him. Aaron didn't let go of me until I was home.

Ben knocked on my door as the sun was setting. I realised I was standing up. I didn't know how long I'd been stood there. The window was open, letting the chill of the evening air fill the room. It didn't matter. I didn't feel it.

I didn't open the door. He kept knocking. I kept not replying. Sticking my head out the window, I breathed in fresh air, trying to remember where I was and who I was. I needed something concrete to grasp onto. The door creaked open and was confused as to why I hadn't locked it. In hindsight, I couldn't remember even getting into my room. I just remembered Aaron leading me.

"Are you alright?" Ben asked, regarding me as I hung my head out the window.

I pulled myself back in and stood rigidly.

"Anyone home?" he continued, waving a hand in front of my face.

"Where did Aaron go?" I asked.

Ben's face fell slightly, "He's been with you all afternoon. He came and got me when he said you were catatonic. He's downstairs, pretending Dad doesn't want to kill him, if you want me to go get-"

"Where's Chris?" I whispered.

He hesitated slightly, "Hanging from the neck in The Grange."

That was it. It was enough. I was done. This wasn't a life. This was an existence I was being dragged through. We were all going to die. From Umbrith or rebels or Lambent or Ben. And I was helping him... Things wouldn't get better. I knew that. I tried to think of golden brown eyes in a snow-covered field but it didn't help. I wanted help… and none was coming. I felt detached from what I used to be like that girl was a dream. A happy naive little girl in a meadow. I'd fallen inside my little box of depression and the lid had been sealed tightly above me.

I noted Ben had been talking for a while and zoned in again.

"Aly, you're scaring the shit out of me. What's wrong with you?" Ben breathed.

Scaring him? Ben never got scared. He was infallible. I was nothing but dead weight. I'd had my parents worried sick about me for months and now I was doing the same thing to Ben. They'd be much better off without me.

Parasite.

"Aly, say something!" Ben snapped.

I didn't know how to tell him the world was going to end and he was the reason. Or how to tell him he'd be better off with me dead. I tried to find any words. The ones I found didn't sound like me. Worse, they sounded insane.

"I want a watch to turn back time."

His eyes widened, "What?"

"Everything is backward. I need to go backwards. I don't like what's forwards."

"Fucking hells. What day is it?"

I shook my head. I didn't understand his question and I didn't know the answer to it.

"Do you know where you are?" he continued.

I knew that one. "Floating in my bedroom."

And I was correct. I was floating. Like nothing could anchor me down anymore. He said something else but I couldn't hear it. I felt him put his hands roughly on my shoulders.

"Don't touch me," I said blankly.

He stepped away immediately and I turned to the open window.

Worthless.

Broken.

Empty.

A burden.

Parasite.

I had intended to stick my head out the window again for air. My body didn't listen. Instead, I just threw myself out of it.