17
Alayna
Tuesday 6th February, Year 825
The temptation to check Tiv's mobile was immense and I hated myself for it. At first, I spent an entire day in bed crying in humiliation after we got locked up. Anyone capable of making me feel so bad didn't deserve any of my time or affection. But those feelings mellowed too quickly for my liking and was replaced by a little part of me that wanted to talk to Tiv; he had made sure me and Ben hadn't been hung.
The Guard had left us alone under Mayrina's instruction. Despite this, I did not return to college. My parents agreed it was more trouble than it was worth. I silently mourned my dreams of getting qualifications and a well-paid job, not allowing my family to see how much it hurt.
Both Mum and Dad went mental with Ben for what happened in The Grange. Within ten minutes of the massive row, he was gone again. We got word he was staying with Dad's friend, Paul. He didn't come back for three days by which point my parents had calmed down enough and nobody brought it up again. I thought it was crappy even by Mum and Dad's standards to punish Ben for something that was quite clearly my fault to begin with. It wasn't like Mum or especially Dad wouldn't have done the exact same thing as Ben...
I hadn't gotten out of bed for anything. Even the mines. Ben kept coming in and raging at me because he already spent every waking moment there. I was ensuring he was out by daybreak and not getting back till the sunset. Guilt gnawed uncomfortably at my insides but I couldn't bring myself to move from my bed. It was the following Tuesday when I pulled myself together. I put my pillow over my face and groaned into it. It had been a week of lying in bed before I refused to spend another day sulking.
An hour later, I was at the Grange helping Charlotte in Piker's Bar; I didn't want to work the mines until I absolutely had to. I'd make it up to Ben somehow. He told me the Guard in our marketplace were keeping well clear of him. Mayrina had told us not to go there but by the sounds of it, we were off scot-free. Ben went back the day after we were arrested because he was an idiot. I gave it nearly a week before I mustered the guts to go back. He was right. The Guard knew who we were, that much was evident from their glares, but it seemed that Mayrina had pulled some major strings. I found myself liking her again pretty quickly. If only her protection extended to everyone in Outer Harroworth. Three other people had been arrested alongside me and Ben apparently for inciting a riot. One of them had been hanged for trying to steal an officer's gun and the other two were still incarcerated with absolutely no way to pay their bail.
A small part of me was worried we'd not be welcomed back to The Grange but it turned out my anxiety was unneeded. In fact, it was the opposite. Charlotte always accepted free help at her bar so I went there. Her customers were fun and made light of the fact I had almost gotten them all killed, encouraging me to vandalise more Central stuff. The Grange had been buzzing that day with news that Central had said nobody could be hung anymore without a trail. It confused everyone as they wondered what had happened to cause such a change. My insides ached at the fact I knew exactly what happened; Tiv had seen how we lived and he wanted to change it.
The usual fun banter from Charlotte's customers faded fast as I ended up being the butt of their jokes for an entirely different reason. Bill, Charlotte's dad, presented us with an old magazine with a beautiful woman on the cover modelling winter coats. He flipped through the pages roughly until they found a photo of Piker's, with me and Tiv sitting in the window. My stomach lurched at the sight of him, my hand in his. He wore a slight smile on his face but what really caught me off guard was the fact he looked besotted. His eyes might as well have been heart-shaped. It felt like someone had gut-punched me. My eyes scanned across the page and read I was a sex worker Tiv had paid.
"So how often do you work Daisy May's?" A guy called Dustin grinned.
"I don't work in the damn brothel," I snapped.
…Though I might have been tempted at times when we had been starving.
"Look at you, you mysterious scab," one of the younger guys joked.
"Charlotte, I'm dipping out for a bit," I said, removing my maroon apron.
"Where are you going?" she complained.
"I'm going to smash Dan's cam," I hissed, grabbing the gossip magazine from the countertop and shoving it in my bag.
"You know, this is why you and your brother can only get employment with your dad," she scoffed after me. "You're lucky the mines will have you at this rate."
"I'm a volunteer. You can't sack me," I grinned as I left.
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The worn sole of my boot connected with Dan's flimsy door, splintering the frame as it swung open with a protesting groan. Sat amidst a tangle of wires and blinking lights was Dan, a tall reed of a man whose gangly limbs seemed to fold in on themselves as he cringed at the violent entrance. His face contorted in shock.
Dan's cramped room could have passed for a technophile's fever dream, the walls were filled with screens that flickered with every crevice of Outer Harroworth. I didn't have time to think about how he'd managed to afford all of it as my gaze latched onto a series of winding corridors displayed on one monitor; the dank, concrete walls of what appeared to be an underground bunker snaked away into darkness. In the maze strode Ben, his unmistakable near seven-foot frame dwarfing the cramped passage he navigated. Confusion clenched my gut—what was he doing down there?
"Alayna!" Dan squeaked, swirling around in his swivel chair to face me. He clamped a hand over a row of switches, plunging the screens into darkness. "What are you—you can't just break-"
"Save it, asshole." My tone brooked no argument as I stalked closer. "You sold them pictures?"
My fingers curled tight around the gossip magazine stuffed in my bag as if I could throttle the lies printed on its pages.
Dan blinked rapidly, his hands fumbling nervously across his cluttered desk before clasping together. "I-I'm sorry! That picture money—it went for Bucky's meds."
His voice was tinged with desperation, eyes darting toward where Bucky—a scruffy grey mutt—lay curled on a nest of old sweaters.
A smirk tugged at my lips despite the rage simmering in my chest as I scratched the dog behind his ears. "Give me the camera."
"I can't-"
"Wanna bet?" I growled, fists clenching.
"I can't because Ben already saw the article last week, he smashed the camera already."
"Ben," I stated flatly, my grin all feral delight as I imagined my towering brother dismantling Dan's precious photography equipment piece by piece.
Dan swallowed visibly, his throat bobbing in his skinny neck, "Yeah, well... he was pretty thorough."
"Good," I muttered, my attention snapping back to those now darkened monitors. "What's with the creepy bunker cams?"
Dan shifted uneasily from one foot to another before averting his gaze.
"It's-it's nothin'," he mumbled, too quickly for my liking.
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned in close enough that he could smell the indignation rolling off me. "Doesn't look like nothin' to me."
"I just... Look, it's complicated," he stammered out an evasive reply.
"You being a perv?" I crooned.
He blanched, "No, course I'm not! You wanna know so badly, ask your damn brother."
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When I got home to ask Ben what the hells was going on, he wasn't in… because he was in some weird bunker who knew where. Instead, I found Mum almost ready to go on her Lambent trip. Apparently it was still going ahead despite the little riot we'd provoked. Mum hadn't really mentioned Mayrina beyond the usual stuff but it was like she's deleted Marco from existence. When she spoke about the Hawes family and work, it was like she had substituted him from her reality entirely.
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I entered quietly and watched her dance around the small living room excitedly, putting things in a small, red travel case. She was cute enough that it temporarily took my mind off Ben.
"It's probably an apology for Marco's behaviour. Take all the apologies you can get from that woman." When Mum didn't speak he carried on grumbling, "And that Tiv is no better, grabbing her in the street. He's lucky she didn't punch him."
"I think the fact she didn't speaks volumes," Mum muttered.
Dad groaned, "Don't say that."
She giggled in only a way he could make her, "We were worse at their age."
"Yeah, I do recall you throwing all my stuff out the window in the middle of the night because you knew I couldn't get it until morning," Dad reminisced fondly, pulling her into an embrace and kissing her disgustingly. She laughed again as he dipped her backwards, suspending her in the air for a second as he kissed her again. "Either way. I'm happier without the Central elites hanging around here."
When he began nuzzling her neck I made myself known. "Do I need to go for a walk or something?"
Dad grinned wickedly when he spotted me. "You're up!"
"I'm up," I mumbled. "What's Mayrina done to apologise?"
"I'm getting a raise," Mum beamed.
"That's great news. Next time, I will punch Tiv in the face. We might be able to buy a house in Central," I joked sarcastically.
"That's my girl," Dad smirked, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and squeezing.
Mum rolled her eyes, "So you're still not speaking?"
"When do you leave?" I said, ignoring her stupid question.
Frustratingly, Mum had glanced over Tiv's role in the whole thing entirely, at one point even calling my argument with him a 'spat'. I held my tongue. Her job was more important than my pride and I didn't want to cause more trouble for her and Mayrina.
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Mum left soon after and I spent the rest of the day talking myself out of turning the mobile phone on. After dinner, I went to my bedroom and started practising a tune Ben had taught me on the guitar. I concentrated on picking the correct strings… and thought about the look on Tiv's face in the magazine photo. I plucked the wrong string and sighed, starting again. I thought about him kissing me in the meadow and got the song wrong again at the same place. I groaned and started again. I thought of his pain at what happened to Mr Hall and the young familiar and his clear want to help Outer Harroworth. His want to help me. Once again, I got the song wrong. I angrily plucked the correct string hard and it made an unattractive 'plink' as it snapped.
I swore loudly and put the guitar down.
"Ben's going to kill me," I moaned.
I sat in silence for a moment before I scoffed at myself and veered to the draw holding the mobile. It had taken me a week, but I had caved. The screen lit up as I pressed the power button. Three voicemails from him. I inhaled and I pressed play on the first one, dated two days after our argument, about ten minutes after I'd got back from prison.
"Are you alright? Please call me back."
His voice dripped with concern making my insides squirm uncomfortably. Why was he so nice? I stuck my tongue down his brother's throat in front of him then proceeded to flip out with him. He deserved it but realistically, if he was smart, he'd have kept well away from me. I pressed delete and the second voicemail played. It was from later that night.
"Yes. I knew of the moronic bet, however I knew you weren't interested in him so didn't tell you because I knew you'd, rightly, get angry and Marco would wring my neck. I simply wished to keep out of it which was an imbecilic idea. I should have told you. Please call me back. I need to know you're well. I miss talking with you."
I deleted the voicemail immediately, never wanting to hear him mention the bet ever again. Not wanting to hear that he missed me; that particularly felt like a hole had been punched into my chest. Instead, I played the final voicemail from the day previous.
"Aly, listen, I've been told not to call you however I just needed to apologise. I should have told you. I should have taken the bloody car keys from you. I should have left you alone when you asked it of me outside college and the irony is not lost on me that I am not leaving you alone again, however I will now. I won't call back. I simply wanted to say I'm sorry. Because I am. For everything. I hope more than anything you're alright… I hope you have a beautiful life."
I lay on my bed and banged my head off the pillow as the same compulsion that made me turn the phone on, tried to make me dial his number. I stopped myself… for about nine seconds. Pressing the call button, my heart clattered in my chest. The phone didn't take many rings for a response.
"Are you alright?" Tiv's voice rasped in desperation.
"Absolutely fine," I replied coldly.
I had nothing else to say. I just needed to hear his voice. I swore inwardly for the need.
"It's good to hear your voice," he said, mirroring my thoughts.
I still had nothing. I wished pointlessly that I thought through anything before I acted. But I supposed I had thought about it a lot. In fact, it had been my only thought process for over a week. No matter how much I wanted to hate Tiv, I didn't honestly believe he was like Marco. I didn't think he got any kind of enjoyment from my humiliation. I thought he was trying to appease his brother over a scab girl he'd known for less than a month. This did nothing to put out the fire of humiliation burning in the pit of my stomach at the bet.
"I'm so sorry. You—you will have missed the memorial." He sounded like he was choking.
My stomach lurched as a pressure built behind my eyes, "There was no memorial. We ruined it by starting a riot."
I didn't dare let my voice break or let the tears fall.
"Are you alright?" He asked again when I didn't continue. "I've been going mad this week worrying about you. You didn't come back to college."
"I've dropped out," I muttered sadly.
"That's preposterous! You had less than six months left," he argued.
"That's nothin' to do with you," I snapped.
He immediately shut up.
"Ben guessed ages ago you guys had a bet. I should have believed him."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
I gripped the phone tighter. "If I had believed him, we never would have even spoken past that first car ride. I would have assumed you got just as much enjoyment from my misery as the assholes at college."
"I have never ever taken any enjoyment from the way they treat you. I feel horrible. I should have told you immediately-"
"You should have," I signed. "But I would have covered for Ben in your position… I can't say Ben would have been such a prick in the first place to bet on people like objects though."
"No. It takes a certain type," Tiv agreed quietly. "Marco did not know the consequences of telling the Guard of his car."
"I don't really give a crap," I growled.
Tiv's voice came out breathlessly, "Mother said the Guard were harsh with you. I hope it was not too bad."
"Fine for me; I just got tasered. Ben got black eyes and broken ribs."
"I'm so sorry," he choked again.
"It's not your fault I keyed a car," I muttered.
"I should have stopped you," he insisted.
I barked a laugh, "And how would you have done that?"
"I have no notion," he admitted. Silence returned for a moment before he began making excuses for his brother again. "Marco does not have any idea how you are treated. He is just as dense as I was. Most of Central have no understanding of how you all suffer. Even my mother didn't. She does now though. Hopefully circumstances may change for you all for the better now."
I didn't bother calling him naive; even if I could get behind the fact Marco was an idiot, Mayrina wasn't. There was no way she didn't know what was going on in her own city. I thought about it for a second before sadness crashed over me again. Tiv wanted a better world for us. Probably the only person in Central who did. But if sitting in a cell waiting to die had taught me anything, it was that my little daydreams where me and Tiv lived happily ever after were just that—daydreams.
"I had fun with you, but it's too much. We're too different. Thanks for helping, but really we both know that my world will always be incompatible with yours," I mumbled.
"I'd move out of this manor tomorrow if you asked it of me. I'd live in a shack with contacts in my eyes for the rest of my natural-born life for you," he replied plainly.
That was intense.
"I don't think contact lenses would make a Hawes less noticeable," I smiled sadly.
He chuckled before sighing. The silence returned.
"I'm going to go. I just didn't want you stressing over this anymore. I'll be fine," I said.
"Thank you for calling, Aly. I really am so sorry for everything" he replied stoically.
I waited for him to ask to see me. He didn't.
"Bye then," I said.
"Bye," he replied.
Neither of us ended the call. I thought of the look on his face in the magazine again. I thought about the softness of his hand in mine. I thought of his perfect lips.
You're making a mistake.
"Why aren't you asking me out?" I snapped.
He laughed nervously, "I did not think that was an option. I'm trying to leave you alone, remember? Granted, I'm doing a terrible job."
I smiled despite myself but didn't speak again. The longest silence yet stretched between us. When he spoke he stammered out his words in a rush and I held in my giggle.
"Will- would you like to go out with me?"
"I suppose so. If you insist."
He laughed, "I insist."
A wide grin stretched across my face, "Meet me tomorrow?"
"I can come after college. Your guard friend keeps checking up on me. Skipping doesn't seem in my best interest right now," he explained.
I flushed at the memory of Michael and the numerous unfriendly gazes from that day.
"I'll ask him to lay off you but he reports to Ben mostly," I laughed feebly.
"Don't worry. I'm under strict instructions from Mother never to leave that place before the end of college bell anyway. I'm also under strict instruction to keep away from you however she's left for Lambent and Meredith will keep my secret. What shall we do tomorrow?"
"Where can we meet where we won't have an audience?" I asked
"I'll meet you in the Rowe Meadow again at three-fifteen?" he replied.
"It's a date," I smirked.
"You're amazing," I could hear him smiling.
I beamed into the phone, "Flattery will not help you."
I knew Tiv was a bad idea; it would all come crashing down in flames. I was not expecting to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But, somewhere along the line, I figured that my life wouldn't be a long one. Why not live it? I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to get hurt regardless but the soaring highs justified the lowest lows. Not to mention the tiny little voice of motivation in the back of my mind, the same one that told me I'd one day have a good job in Lambent, telling me to hope that Tiv and I would just work and the rest of the world wouldn't get in the way.
We spoke all night about stupid trivial things. He'd listened to the music I'd recommended and liked it. The idea made me feel warm inside. We didn't discuss Marco or college or Lucy or the past week and I was more than happy about that; I wanted to pretend none of it happened. We found it easy to ignore the bad stuff. It was nearly five in the morning by the time the conversation started to slow. We'd been on the phone for almost eleven hours. I could barely keep my eyes open. We'd go silent for a while until he'd ask if I'd fallen asleep. Then we'd talk for a bit longer and he'd go silent before I asked him the same thing. Eventually, we did both fall asleep. Neither of us ended the call. When I woke up it was nearly the afternoon. I noticed he had hung up at half-eight while I was still sleeping. I laughed at the thought. He'd have no doubt slept in.