35

Alayna

Thursday 20th September, Year 825

I stared at Tiv's name in the little, silver phone for a long time. He still had not cancelled the contract. How much money did that family have for him to forget he was paying for something that went unused every month? I scoffed and threw it back in my bedside drawer next to the gun Aaron had given me. Every time Ben was not around Aaron would give me another shooting lesson and I was actually quite good. I tried to focus on the good stuff like that rather than the bad. Though it was hard not to think of things like that fact Tom was never heard from again. Ben began insisting we travelled everywhere in pairs, regardless of rounds, with at least one phone between us. This unnerved me more when a gentle knock on my door startled me.

"Aly, are you up?" Ben whispered.

"Yeah, two seconds," I replied, closing the drawer hiding the gun.

It wasn't even seven o'clock in the morning yet and Ben had been on night shift; he should have been going to bed. He was lucky I was up. Insomnia had been plaguing me for a few days. I stumbled to my door, unlocking it to reveal Ben, oozing blood from his forehead with a fat lip. A bruise covered one side of his face. He was leaning all of his weight on my door frame as if he was about to fall over. The wood gave a heavy groan as if to back up my fears.

"What happened?" I gasped, pulling him into my room so my parents wouldn't spot him.

"Some of the rebels have rebelled," he said, pulling a clean t-shirt from my draw and mopping his face with it. "A group of about seven of them broke into the base and attacked us."

"Who is us?" I asked.

"I was on nights with Charlotte. Aaron was also there," he said cautiously.

"Are they okay?" I whispered.

"Charlotte and me are fine," Ben paused and I shook my head at his classification of the word fine. "So you haven't seen Aaron then?"

"What? Why would I have seen Aaron, he was with you?" I hissed, my voice going up an octave.

"Well… Aaron led two of them away, escaping out the sewer hatch in the back dormitory. We haven't seen him since and his phone’s dead. We have no idea where he is," he admitted.

"You don't know where he is?" I shouted.

"Alayna, calm down," he barked. "You were the first person I came to. I haven't even checked with Paul yet. I'll get everyone looking for him."

I pulled Ben out of the house and, after trying to climb into the driving seat, he moved me into the passenger's side and started the engine himself.

"If you crash the car because of a concussion, so help me," I snapped.

"Ah shut up," he snapped back.

"How did the rebels know where the base is?" I panicked.

"Whoever is spying probably told them."

"We need to flush the rat out."

"I've been giving different plans to different people to see which get thwarted. No luck so far though," he sighed.

We went straight to Paul's house and, to my dismay, Aaron was not there either.

"He'll be fine. He knows what he is doing, we just need to find him," Paul murmured.

I wondered sadly if Hayley had shared the same pointless optimism her dad and brother had when she was alive. I could not imagine Ben with someone like that.

"I'll go out and search in my car, Paul you go in yours and Alayna you stay here," Ben ordered.

"You haven't got a hope in hell of making me stay here," I objected. "What happened to not splitting up?"

"For once in your life will you not argue with me? If Aaron comes back here, you are the only person he is going to want to see. Stay by the telephone and I will ring you the second we find him!" Ben barked.

"No!" I shouted back, pent-up rage bubbling over. "Ben Jamesons goes out and flings fire at people without thinking of the consequences. These people are attacking us because you made stupid choices. Not all of us wanted you to burn the damn city to the ground. To kill all the Guard, even the ones that might have joined us. You're in charge. You have to deal with the fuck ups, not punish me for it!”

Ben glared at me for a few seconds before his phone rang. Me and Paul stared at Ben in anticipation.

"Charlotte, what is going on? Great! Is he okay? Yeah… Right, I'll be five minutes. Call Connor and get him there now." Ben paused, his jaw tightening as he spoke, "Yeah she's here. See you soon." He hung up, "Aaron is back at base. He is a bit worse for wear."

Paul murmured something I didn't catch before rushing out of the room, leaving us alone. I went to follow him but Ben stuck his arm out in front of me.

"Would you prefer your little life where those Central assholes kept their boots on our necks? Where I have to tell you the easiest way to break your own neck in a prison cell?" he hissed. "I did what needed to be done to be free of them and I'm not the only one. Thruck is ash now too. This is change for us."

"You've destroyed Harroworth! People are dead because of you! All this because Umbrith killed your girlfriend?"

I knew it was a low blow. I knew I'd overstepped the mark the second the words were out but Ben lowered the bar further in an instant.

"I suppose keeping everything the way it was would have been better for you, wouldn't it? You could have lived in a mansion in Central and let the Hawes brats take turns with you. It's such a shame they left you in the sewage with our lot," he seethed, sticking his index finger under the beads around my neck. He pulled at them and I stepped forwards, scared he would snap them with his touch, until his face was inches from mine. "Pretty little baubles were more than enough to keep you on side, weren't they?"

So that's how it was: if I pressed the Hayley button, he pressed the Tiv button.

I stuck my face closer to his, "You are a vicious, little man."

"And you're a naive child," he hissed back. "Now, if you want to see Aaron, get in the car."

"I'm going with Paul," I spat and stormed past him.

Ben didn't talk to me for the rest of the day which suited me fine. Instead, I stayed with Aaron at the base. He had several broken ribs, a broken ankle, broken fingers and toes. His face was a horrible shade of purple, one eye swollen closed, and his arm was fractured and bloody. He flatly refused to go to the hospital, meaning Dr Connor did all of his work on a makeshift gurney in the training room. He did more work than Yalma as apparently she wasn't great at mending broken bones. I just sat, jaw clenched, staring at him.

He had murdered the two men who chased him. One of the men was Alan, my ex who worked at Street Bar. He was the same age as me. He had parents. A sister. A dog.

Yet another woman lay unconscious in one of the dormitories. She was lucky; Yalma had convinced Ben not to kill her. She would work a bit of extrinsic magic and the woman would wake up tomorrow with a blank memory, feeling a bit sore, unlike her counterparts.

Aaron chuckled darkly about the dead, teasing Ben for only killing one of them. I walked from the room with a scoff.

"Ignore her; she's on one today," Ben taunted.

I balled my hands and Lucas gripped my arm, pulling me from the room before I attempted to put my fist through my brother's face.

"He's far too pretty for you to maim him," Lucas joked, leading me to the shooting range. "Let's go shoot something. Then if Ben catches you, it'll give you something new to argue about."

Thank fuck for Lucas. I swear, he was the only sane one in the entire group. It was a bittersweet taste, but I had found a replacement Lucy in him. He couldn't drink as much beer as Lucy could though.

Leesa joined us after ten minutes, begging me to teach her how to shoot. I relented when she would not shut up. Annoyingly, she informed me Ben had let her do a nightshift for the first time that night meaning Ben would be at home when I got there. At that moment, I was happy to never see the prick again let alone sleep under the same roof as him.

I waited until Ben left before I went back to see Aaron. Even Yalma's potions couldn't work miracles and he looked rough. It would be a while before his broken bones would function properly again though most of his bruising and swelling was gone at least.

"Sorry if I upset you earlier," Aaron said when we were alone.

"It's fine," I lied stiffly.

"Ben thinks you're going to kill him in his sleep," he tried to lighten the mood.

"It's not out of the question," I muttered, jaw tight.

"Come on Birdie, cheer up. We're all fine," he smiled.

I sighed, "I liked Alan."

"Who?"

"The man whose neck you took great pleasure in snapping," I growled.

He went deadly silent.

"They would have killed me," he eventually said.

"I know," I whispered.

"I don't enjoy this, you know. Neither does Ben. It's just what needs to be done. If we had another choice, don't you think we'd take it?"

"Yeah the laughing made it sound like you were really choked up," I murmured.

Aaron composed himself, "Do you understand that there is no other alternative? I killed two men today. I killed several last week. If I don't joke about it, it makes it real; I have to deal with it. I'd rather not. I have this group holding me together. We all hold each other together. So yeah, I'll joke with Ben about it like it's nothing because it's that, or I'd lose my mind and we do not have time for that."

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Is that what I had to do to keep my mind? Laugh at murder?

I put my head in my hands and couldn't stop myself from thinking about being in a muddy meadow. It was my reluctant happy place. I fiddled with the beads around my neck.

"Where did you get them?" Aaron asked, running his good fingers along the beads.

"Traded for them ages ago at the Grange," I replied instantly.

"Liar," Aaron smirked.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"You're a crap liar. Honestly, get a better poker face or you'll be useless against Ben," he grinned trying again to lighten the mood. "You also seem pretty heartbroken all the time. What aren't you telling me?"

The insane need to wretch overcame me and I kept my mouth tightly sealed, ignoring the uncomfortable sensation of my throat spasming. I needed to try harder to get Tiv out of my head.

"Alan was my ex," I admitted.

He pulled a face, scrunching his faded-purple mottled eyes closed. "Fuck—I—Sorry…”

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

“Thanks for telling me. I'd like it a bit more if you were honest. You lie all the time."

I did not smile for many reasons. He eventually dropped his jovial facade, realising how futile it was.

"Alayna, this is how our life is. This is how our life will always be," he said quietly.

"I know," I whispered.

"Ben's right," he continued.

A heavy sigh escaped from deep inside me, "I know."

"We'll be ok though. In it for whatever, you and me. We'll look after each other," he smiled.

I believed him. Like it always did when I was with him, a cosy warmth spread through me like he was a warm blanket.

"I love you," I breathed.

The words were out before I really thought about them. They were true but it felt like a betrayal for speaking them outloud. Regardless, he grinned widely.

"I love you too, Birdie."

I left the base at just after eight o'clock at night, just as the sun was setting; I hoped I would be able to sneak past my parents. I took Aaron's car and drove it back to my house, still unwilling to ask Ben for a lift. I was greeted by my Dad who hobbled slowly to the front door.

"Are you kidding, Alayna? You were supposed to be back an hour ago. Where the hells have you been? And whose car is that? You can't even drive," Dad yelled.

"Well I was going to walk home but I assumed you wanted me home before it was pitch-black so I took Aaron's car. Don't worry I can drive fine," I replied.

"You stole Aaron's car?" he scolded incredulously.

"As far as I was aware if someone gives you the keys to their car and says 'drive yourself home', I don't think it's classed as stealing, Dad," I scoffed.

"Where have you been?" he repeated, voice echoing down the street.

I hesitated. 'In Ben's secret base with his little Umbrith killing club' didn't seem like the right answer.

At my silence, Dad's anger erupted again, "Get in the house. You are grounded until further notice. I know you haven't been with Aaron and lying to me doesn't help your cause. That poor lad has been through enough today without you taking his car. I will get Ben to drive it back tomorrow."

"What? Course I've been with Aaron. Do you seriously think I stole his car? This is ridiculous!" I raged storming into the house. "I'm eighteen, Dad! You can't ground me."

"I can do whatever the hell I want while you live here. Let me know when you are finished lying and we can have a talk about where you have been," Dad shouted up the stairs after me.

Instead of going straight to my room, I went barrelling into Ben's room. The door was unlocked and he was sitting on his bed playing his stupid guitar.

"Why does Dad think I've stolen Aaron's car?" I hissed sourly.

"Probably because you can't drive," Ben replied robotically, not looking at me.

I threw Aaron's car keys at him. "You know what I mean! Why does he think I was lying when I said I was with Aaron today?"

"Well because Paul told Dad about what happened to Aaron. He told him you didn't have a clue because, as far as Dad is aware, you haven't," Ben retorted.

"Ben," I took a deep breath to control my anger. "I am telling them the truth."

"If you do, you'll never get back in that base again."

The last time I was this angry I punched Marco in the face. I intended to do the same thing to my brother. He grabbed me before I could even get close and shoved me roughly out of the room.

"You need to try harder with Paul," was all he said as he slammed the door in my face.

I kicked his door so hard I put a hole in the bottom of it. Agony shot through my foot and I hobbled back to my room. I stayed there for the rest of the night, undisturbed, even by Mum which surprised me. They must have really been annoyed at me; they both thought I was sneaking off and stealing cars which was completely untrue but if I told them the truth about my involvement in the riots, I would be in more trouble. I sat on my bed and breathed deeply trying to make the anger go away. I pulled open the draw on my bedside table and grabbed the phone, pressing the power button again.

I dreamt of brown eyes ringed with gold. It was always the same dream. We lay in a strange manicured field. There was a fountain. The cloudless night sky was too bright. Stars. We were wrapped around each other and it felt hopeful. Like I would be okay again. Like he would keep me safe from everything. Even myself. It was pure bliss until it wasn't. For the first time, the dream morphed. The embrace became too tight, choking me. The loud scratching sound that surrounded me grew fainter as the monsters that had devoured Tiv slowly faded away leaving me lying in the dark alone.

Gasps tore through me as I flung myself up in bed. I put my head in my hands and tried to calm myself down.

That's what you get for checking that damn phone.

I felt for the beads around my neck and rolled them around my fingers only to freeze at the sound of the only thing I didn't want to hear. Hissing crept through the silence. Umbrith were close and I wasn't safe. I snagged my gun, fumbling bullets into my palm and quickly shoved them in my mouth. The cold metal clinked between teeth, it tasted as foul as week-old trash. Quick as I could, I spat them back out and jammed them into the magazine, feeling like an idiot.

Gun aimed at the floor, I tiptoed to the landing. Ben was already there, armed and tense. His eyes bulged when he saw me, gun in hand.

"What the fuck is that?" Ben snarled under his breath.

I shushed him with a finger to my lips; he ignored me, naturally.

"I'm going to kill Aaron-"

Ben was interrupted by more scratching from near my parents' room. This time the noise was very faint. After five seconds the door opened and Mum poked her head out of the room.

"Ben, where is it?" she whispered.

"I saw something pass my window from the roof; I think it's downstairs. Apart from that, I know as much as you do," he replied quietly.

Dad joined us; he nearly gagged on his spit seeing me with the gun.

"Ben, what did you do?" he whispered, eyes too wide.

"No, you mean what did Aaron do!" Ben shot back.

"I told you I was with Aaron today," I hissed childishly.

"Will you lot shut up," Mum snapped. "Ben, have you called anyone?"

"Yeah, but they won't get here in time. Plus one of them is Leesa-"

"Are you kidding? Leesa's a fucking kid!" Dad said, voice rising to a shout.

"It's fine. There is only one; Alayna and I can handle it." A part of me felt a surge of appreciation; Ben thought I was capable. I smiled before I remembered I wasn't speaking to him. "Leesa just wants to be included," he continued with a shrug. Dad gave him a look that suggested he was about to remove my brother's head from his shoulders.

"Alayna, you're with me downstairs. Mum, you take upstairs," Ben commanded before Dad could butt in.

"You are not letting Alayna downstairs," Dad said, stepping in anyway. "Get in the loft."

"Yeah, let's put me closer to the hissing," I scoffed sarcastically.

With no patience left for their bickering, I started down the stairs leaving them jabbering behind me. Ben rushed after me while Dad spat curses, no doubt wishing he wasn't partially crippled so he could throttle my brother.

His steam ran out quickly before he sighed, "Julie, get the knife from my bedside drawer."

"Alayna, get back up here," she hissed.

I completely ignored her as I wandered down the hallway, eventually being stopped by Ben. "If there is any movement at all you scream as loud as you can and run. Do not do anything by yourself. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," I replied.

Not looking at him, I continued down the hallway as he headed to the front door.

I entered the dark kitchen and pointed the gun at the back door, approaching it slowly. My hands shook violently and I muttered swear under my breath, breathing deeply. The dark was playing tricks on me and I kept imagining grotesque figures moving in the blackness. I moved carefully around the room as my eyes darted frantically to the shadows in the night. I heard hissing again from behind me but it was loud. Wherever the creature was, it was not near me. This gave me peace of mind for a fraction of a second until something dived through the kitchen window, splintering wood and glass and knocking the gun from my hand as I was flung backwards. I landed on my head with a jolting flash of pain and felt warm blood trickle down my face at once. My vision fractured into shards of light and shadow. As I lay crumpled in the corner of the kitchen, I remembered what Ben had instructed and went to scream as loud as I could. The scream was stopped before it started as the Umbrith's talons found my throat and hoisted me up into the air. My oxygen supply was immediately cut off. I clawed uselessly at the monster's talons, cursing myself for biting my nails down to the quick. It didn't immediately kill me. Instead, it was sniffing at the air, distracted. I writhed furiously trying to free myself but ultimately only caused myself more pain. I thought my head was going to detach from the rest of my body. The creature's breath burned as it sniffed the sharp claw that pressed against my neck. The smell of soiled meat and a coppery tang invaded my nose as my vision became cloudy.

I was going to die.

Just let gravity win. Let's just be done with life already, a terrifying voice in my head called.

Giving in, my body went limp. A fraction of a second later I was released and I dropped to the floor. It took a few more seconds for reality to set in as I realised the severity of the situation with a bang. Quite literally a bang as my Mum stood in the doorway holding my gun and shooting the Umbrith. She stunned it momentarily but was not as precise as Ben so the creature went for her. Dad, his face tight with pain and fury, lobbed gold liquid at it. The jars of golden Lenad exploded upon contact with the Umbrith's skin. It fell to the ground where Mum shot at it a few more times. It lay motionless but Dad limped to it anyway and slit its throat, he did not stop until he had cut off its head.

My guts churned. I felt like puking my soul out.

I managed to roll over, coughing and sucking in air like I'd been underwater for days. Mum's usually stern face melted into something raw as she pulled me close, arms trembling as if she was the one who'd just dodged death.

"You idiot," Her voice cracked like she was equal parts mad as hells and scared out of her mind.

"You guys okay?" Ben called, now on the floor above.

"Yeah, it's dead," Dad grunted back as he made his way to us, a grimace carved into his face from the effort of walking.

But I heard the hissing so loud. How could it have been so close to me? The thought was barely had as icy realisation froze my blood. There was more than one. I didn't even stop to think; my legs had their own ideas. Snatching the gun from Mum's grip just about drained all the strength I had left, but I bolted to find Ben anyway. He stood on the landing outside of my room shocked at the state of me.

"Ben!" My voice scratched out of my throat. "There's another one!"

"What? How do you know that?" he questioned in a rush.

I choked on the words as another huge creature appeared from my room. It towered over Ben, easily hurling him into the wall like swatting a fly. Without thinking I pointed the gun at the Umbrith and fired until I ran out of bullets. Most of them hit the creature's face with only two burying themself in the wooden wall behind it. It began thrashing around as the saliva-soaked bullets pierced it. Ben stared for an infinitesimal moment at the Umbrith before he jumped on it and, like Dad, began slicing at its throat as it writhed, trying to fling him off. Eventually he got its head off, and it fell down the stairs, landing at my feet with a thud that reverberated through my body. I kicked it away from me as the gun dropped from my grasp. Next thing I knew, my back hit the stairs, body shaking so badly I could hardly breathe. Ben's arms were suddenly around me and he was cradling me to him like a little girl. Like he used to. Not violent or tough or calculated. Just my big brother.

"You’re okay. You did fantastic. You saved my life. You are safe, don't worry," crooned Ben.

He hugged me tightly until Mum came and took over.

"It's okay, baby," she whispered.

I grabbed the beads around my neck and fiddled around with them, imagining Tiv was with me and that he wanted me. Ben had been right; I wanted the life where I lived to go to a college full of assholes who made my life shit, just so I could glimpse Tiv's golden-brown eyes. I did not want to be attacked in the night by monsters who seemed determined to destroy my family in particular. I didn't want to kill people. I didn't want my brother and boyfriend to. I felt hot tears continue to fall down my face as I trembled. What a pathetic mess I was. Mum's voice whispered frantically to Dad about how unwell I was. Somewhere far away from myself, I registered Dad's voice getting louder and louder. I didn't register what he was saying. But I understood enough when Ben's warmth shifted from beside me and the front door slammed as he stormed into the night. I had done this. I was an absolute burden. A parasite sucking everyone’s happiness away just like Marco said. Even thoughts of Tiv couldn't stop the crushing misery and it didn't take long for bleak thoughts to engulf me.

"Don't cry, Aly," Mum breathed.

So I didn't. I stopped and felt the last little piece of me shatter.