Kalea looks at me like she wants to complain but holds it in instead. I look at her apologetically but shrug my shoulders. If she wants to complain, she’ll have to talk to Carnelia if she resurfaces.

Well, I’m done with them, I declare. They’re all yours now. She looks at me with an excited grin. Can you help me get them back into top shape, she asks. I smile, of course, I haven’t used any of my magical energy yet. Just don’t expect me to cook for and feed them again. She looks a bit dejected at that, she had forgotten that part. She’ll need to do that if she wants to keep them in good condition for a few days of fun.

After I’m done healing the 3 surviving bandits' remaining wounds, I ask Kalea if she requires my assistance while she does whatever she has planned. She waves me off, I don’t need any help beyond helping me repair their bodies afterward so they’re ready for the next round. I’m grateful for that, and wish her a good time, as I put in my earplugs. I wander around the campsite for a while, thinking about the future.

I want to go home, but I won’t be so ungrateful towards Kalea to not give her the help she has given me. However, as soon as she is done with her revenge, I want to go back home. Well … to Carnelia’s home that is. They’ll probably be worried sick about her, and they need some closure as well. I want to travel though, so there’s no way I’m staying there for too long. Maybe a month? I’ve only been in this world for a month, but it feels like so many things have happened since then. I could use some time to just exist. Help dad in the fields and enjoy spending time with mom in the house. I’m even looking forward to seeing Timothy again. Thinking of the little pest that is my younger brother brings a smile to my face. Annoying as he can be, I really have missed him.

I stop in my tracks, as I realize that I’ve never even met all these people before. Those aren’t my feelings, but Carnelia’s. It looks like the dam between us has truly broken now. And I no longer have just her memories, but also the feelings she felt with them. Her personality is still hidden from me though, retreating somewhere deep inside. I don’t mind, she’ll come out if she wants to. I’m no longer holding her prisoner there. She went down on her own and can resurface if she’s ready for it.

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I think of my own family that I left behind. My mother and daughter were the only blood-related ones I was really close to. The majority of my ‘family’ was chosen instead. People I had grown close with over the years, blurring the lines between friends and family. It doesn’t take long before tears are streaming down my face. I am happy in this magical world, and glad that I was brought here. But I still miss them, oh divinity do I miss them. For the first time in a month, I allow myself to feel that sadness.

I know what I’ve been doing, focussing and obsessing over everything new and shiny. Not because I didn’t care, but so that I wouldn’t have to bear the weight of the loss. Just like I pushed away Carnelia’s pain, just like I pushed away the memories of my time in the void. I’m pretty good at that, avoiding having to deal with my emotions. But luckily, I have also learned in my old world how I can deal with them properly. And now is probably as good a time as any to start working on that. I resist the urge to get up and go do something constructive. And allow myself to just exist in the moment. I find a bit more secluded spot, and let my tears flow freely.

It takes a few hours before the tears stop coming, but eventually, they do, they always do. That’s my cue that I’ve spent enough time today on giving them space. So I slap my cheeks lightly to pep myself up and set out to do something I truly enjoy. The bandits had lots of old shoddy gear, and I’m pretty sure that I can use my magic to restore most of it to a pristine state. And hopefully, the feeling of using magic for something pure instead of violence will help me fill the void I still feel inside.

I consider talking with little blue again, but I’m not ready for that, not yet. I still feel dirty, and unworthy. I wonder what she thinks of me now. Does she think I’m a monster? An infernal, eternal enemy of the divine. Does she hate me? I feel the tears coming again, but I don’t let them this time, and lose myself in the task of repairing everything I can get my hands on.