Darkness welcomes me home. Mother’s final embrace feels like I always imagined it. Unfortunately, my happiness doesn’t last long. Pain sears through me as I am torn from Her arms. I scream in rage and indignation, but my struggles are futile. After a while, only the pulling sensation remains. The comforting darkness is gone. Replaced by an emptiness that seeps into my soul. I scream. Loneliness has always been hard for me. But this emptiness is even worse. I’m not alone in the world; there is no world.

After what feels like ages, I crash into a wall. And the emptiness and pulling sensation disappear. Even without sight, I know I’m not alone. I’m scared, but somehow, I’m certain they won’t harm me. As they approach, a strange sensation comes over me. And I realize, I feel a weight on top of me, I can feel my body again.

After a few attempts, I open my eyes. And am greeted by the adorable sight of a squirrel sitting on my chest. It looks at me curiously, but when I blink, it dashes into a tree. I laugh, but the shaking sends jolts of pain through my body. Ok, Zafira, calm down, I tell myself. You didn’t die, you’re still here, and still wounded. Get your cell phone and call for help before you pass out again.

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This time, when I move my arms, they respond. Despite the pain, I grab my purse, but it’s not around my neck anymore. I search for it, and realize that not just my purse, but all my clothes are gone too. I freeze when I look up, and notice the blue moon in the sky. What is going on here? Turning my head, I find no road, and the forest looks wild, not the curated versions I’m used to. When I inspect my wounds, I get another shock. My tiny breasts - a source of a lot of my insecurities - are at least a B cup now. Looking further, I notice my nail polish has disappeared, my body hair looks like I never shaved before, and even the scar on my knee is gone.

When I notice the panic attack coming up, I feel relieved and welcome the familiar feeling. At least I know how to handle this. I close my eyes and focus on the sound of my breath. I visualize absorbing positive energy while breathing in. Letting it circulate and nourish my body while holding my breath. Then pushing out negative energy while breathing out. I wait a bit before taking my next breath and repeating the cycle. So the negative energy can float away from me.

My pain reduces with every cycle. Worried I’m fainting again, I stop and open my eyes. But my head feels clearer and I can sit now, albeit slowly. I can barely contain my excitement. I’ve been practicing magick for a long time. But this is the first time I’ve observed a direct effect on the physical world. I’m still sore, so I restart my meditation. Hoping to relieve the remaining pains as well.