I turn myself once more towards the half-circle of bandits, who are all looking at me with fear in their eyes. A few of them occasionally steal glances at Jacob’s lifeless body. Now that they have heard me talk about my plans for them, the realization has dawned that I truly did show him mercy. And that the 4 of them would not be receiving any for the coming week.

As I stand before them, I feel unexpectedly empty. Now that the thrill and uncertainty are gone, and they are firmly in my grasp, I no longer feel the joy and excitement I felt before. I don’t feel bad about what I’m about to do. They deserve every bit of it, and I have every intention to uphold the contract I made with Carnelia. But the fire is gone now, there are no more feelings left, just … emptiness. I do my best to shake myself out of it, and without any further words, I start the scenario I had prepared. My first experiment is to see if I can use my decay ability to slowly corrode their joints from the inside out. So that it wouldn’t matter even if they weren’t shackled and tied up. They would no longer be able to move any of their limbs. I start small, the topmost joint of their pinkies. Carefully, I take my time to channel as little energy as possible and focus on containing the effect to only the region I want to damage. Going from one bandit to the next, doing the same joint, before choosing another one and starting the cycle all over again. It doesn’t take me long to decide to also put in some earplugs. Their constant screams are no longer bringing me any joy, only irritation.

The first cycle takes me almost an hour. When I move down to the second joint of their pinkie, it only takes me half an hour to do all 4 of them. As I progress, I get more and more proficient in doing the damage I want to achieve quickly. After many hours, I start to get in a comfortable rhythm, it only takes me a minute to destroy a joint now. I learned that touching the joint makes it much easier to control what I want my decay to do. And that I can greatly speed up the process by focusing completely on the task, forgetting even about the world around me. It’s meditative and soothing, and I allow myself to get lost in the task. To drown myself in the feeling of channeling energy, to escape the growing feeling of emptiness I feel inside.

I do not know how long it takes me, but when I finish the last of their joints, I almost drop to the floor like a bag of flour. I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s dark now, and big blue is high in the sky, shining in all her glory. But I cannot bring myself to talk to her. I feel dirty and I wished she hadn’t seen me do what I just did. That she wouldn’t see what I would do for the rest of the week. I feel like crying, but I hold back my tears. I turn around, and Kalea is looking at me, with respect and awe in her eyes. That was incredible, she whispers. You were like an automaton, I had no idea human bodies could sustain such an immense amount of energy being channeled through them. Even though you did it bit by bit, you truly moved a mountain of energy. I smile at her sadly, as I focus on the state of my body, and finally feel how much of a toll my hyperfocus session has taken on me. It helps actually, the pain my body is screaming at me. And feeling it once again helps me hold back my tears. I do not know why I don’t want to cry in front of her. But I don’t, so I focus on what I need to do instead. I consider casting a healing spell on myself, that will likely help reduce the pain. But I don’t want it to go away, I don’t feel that I deserve it, so I let it be. And focus on the next thing, hunger. I haven’t eaten in a long time now, but I don’t have much energy, so I just drink water and eat from the bandit’s dried rations. I tell Kalea that I need some time alone to rest and recover, and I walk away from everything, into the woods, without even focusing on my intuition for guidance to keep me safe. When I feel that I’ve walked far enough, I just drop down into a pile of soft-looking ground and leaves. And I start crying until sleep finally takes me away.

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When I wake up, my body is completely rejuvenated, and I no longer feel any pain when I try to channel a bit of energy. The emptiness I feel inside, however, seems to have taken over all of me. I no longer feel anything, not about the gruesome task ahead of me, but also not about anything else either. I don’t want to talk to little blue, nor listen to the bird’s songs that normally bring me so much joy. The rustling of leaves doesn’t feel as comforting as it used to do. And not even the thought of finding a beautiful quiet place to show Madam makes me feel anything. I cannot continue this way, but I also don’t plan to betray the contract. The bandits are getting what they deserve, but somehow, even with all the effort I put into it, and the toll it is taking on, I feel that something is lacking. As if this is not the way to resolve Carnelia’s lingering anger and frustration. So I don’t go back right away for the next round of what I had planned for the sources of her hatred. Instead, I meditate on what I’m missing, what I can do differently, and what Carnelia truly desires.