Chapter-8
I saw her.
It’s been 3 weeks, I have died. It’s been three weeks, I am living in this world without any more existence. My family has been shattered. And I am not living it with them yet living with them. I watch them cry, break down in pieces in the morning, in the night, and some days in broad daylight. They love through this different existence. We are not in the same world anymore. I am not in the same world as them.
Universe decided to mess itself and it’s a vicious cycle I got stuck in. We stuck. They missed me, I am not with them. I missed them
I wandered on roads, sat by my own grave, and in cruel 24 hours I saw Nera sleep for 10 hours and those 14 hours she stared into nothingness. My voice will irrevocably be forgotten yet Nera forgot how to talk. I saw her sitting, she was not grieving me. Her bump was growing day by day, I saw my daughter grow and her mother destroying itself; “Every beginning is the ending of a beginning.”
I was black and white, grey; while Nera turned blue. She was empty, at every sight.
My heart broke at her sight, I saw a death sitting so far away and Nera was taking steps toward it; yet what killed me was, that she was not alone. I had spent at the foot of our bed kissing her feet, crying like a madman still it wouldn’t console her. Nera was trying to kill herself and unknowingly our daughter too. When Nera broke the news of her pregnancy to me, she swore herself to die If she couldn’t protect our petal and the twist of fate, I saw her strangling herself in nothingness along with our daughter.
Nera brought new colors to my lives, Nera was my light; she was my Star and I was her sky.
And all these nights, I saw her pale in darkness.
Tonight, Nera is up, in three weeks of my death I saw her eat heartedly tonight, she is slow and sloth, and her movements lost and she ate. I thought she realized she was not alone and just by herself. She took an hour to finish this meal, she ate it slow enough to know what she was thinking, she took a bite and paused a while then continued eating, this chain stretched to an hour until she finished. She left the room to put the dishes away, and I followed her. I saw her and my parents' eyes followed her moments, Nera paid no attention to them and cleaned the dishes, treaded her way to without of our living, she stood silently, silently enough that if her breathes weren’t audible and small moments of her rising and falling torso, it would be a corpse standing. She watched the bustling of leaves out of the window for some minutes then She made her way to the sofa and sat beside my dad, talked to them, and asked them about their meals and meds. My mother’s eyes were numb with tears yet she answered lovingly then she turned to Dad and asked him, “Dad, you are having a granddaughter. Will you love her like you love me?” and it was the last straw for him burst out of his strong man composure, in my life of 26 years, I never saw a tear in his eyes and until I died; he wept for days after my death then until she spoke again “Will you let her dream and still let be her your granddaughter?” the room fell silent. She turned to me as if she could see me. My heart almost burst in my chest (Not like it would have made any difference) and her eyes leveled with me, I saw her, her eyes welled, I saw her eyes twitch her face contouring sour and lips pursing, that silent sob was the elephant in the room. I watched my love of lives crumple before me, with every tear out of her eye my heart seemed as if someone was clutching it inside, twisting and churning my heart bare with their hands and it was evident that Nera held the same card.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
She turned to my dad and asked him, “Dad, I am tired. He is tired.” Her voice was barely audible, and her face flushed pink with every short breath. I could hear my heart shattering right, every atom of my body trembling with her cries and I could turn myself and watch it. I cried silently as if they could hear me.
Nera gently held Dad’s hand and with her teary orbs looked at him and murmured “Call him back Dad, I can't bear the world without him, I can’t bear myself without him.” Her small voice was unbearable loud in the room, it blew off dad from his feet, It was a mock, of nature and crippling helplessness that even for all the breaths in his body, every penny of his money or any sacrifices, and no matter of forces, he can’t bring his son back; and there he broke.
Just like a drop of rain falls from the sky, in a blink breaking into smaller globes of water and penetrating into the ground and soaking in it; I saw his heartbreak just like it, cruelly. The only difference was that somewhere those drops would get back together in the ground yet his pieces of heart would lay in him, bruised and blue terminally. He broke down. He shattered there, with Nera.
Nera wept my demise, she softly sobbed as if she will sob small and slow and fate would turn kind and she would caress her out of this nightmare of reality.
This is the cold reality and I am partial to it. I see my family break and enveloped by grief. My heart throbbed with the waves of tormenting misery and torture, i lunged myself forward hugged my dad cried like a maniac I cried as if he could be pacified by my attempt to soothe as if I was alive and I could pick his shattered heart and fix it. I cried on him and I cried so hard and pulled my head out to see if I could do any better only my eyes to drown in reality that my ocean of tears wouldn’t make any difference to his reality, to their adage; and there I broke. Everything in this room was broken and creased. I wept and screamed in agony and no one could see, my personality was stitched with torture that I could only see, I saw them, I saw him, I saw her.
In the peripheral of my vision, I saw Nera stand up and move to our room, I demurely followed her, she shut the door behind me and I stood out for her privacy. She walked out in that soft pastel blue maternity dress with little daisies on it.
We were returning from our first ultrasound appointment, and while sitting in the car I broke our giddy bubbles of glee with, “Nera, I bought something for you.” And took out a small paper wrap with daisies on it and handed it to her, before she could say anything I broke in, “I was over the moon when you told me we were making our team stronger with one more little rebel. I was so happy that I could barely make sense of anything only thing that was displaying in funny text in the back of my head was I love you, I love you Nera and I am going to be a dad. I felt as if my life has never been hard and happiness is the only thing I have humanly felt. There was not one emotion I could say out loud except for happiness. For making life bearable, for making me bearable, I am grateful beyond word so take this as a token of gratitude.” Nera nodded and smiled while retorting, “How many trials of practice did you run to verse your ode to me? And that too without stuttering?” and we both burst into soft heartful chuckles and I continued with. “Nera, I love you and I bought this dress for when we got married, with our first meeting I always knew you were the one for me. I bought it when we were “just dating” It looked as if it was tailor-made for you and you only before anyone could bat their eyes on it, I bought it and while coming home I realized it was a maternity dress not that trendy summer dresses. I was embarrassed but won’t deny it fluttered my heart when I thought of you being glowy and pregnant. It was not my intention while buying it but it felt good. I took a U-turn and went to my parent's house to ask my mom to keep it until if it ever happens. I am living that dream today. When we’ll grow in this pregnancy I hope to see you in this dress. Thank you so much for making my life bearable.” I was one step away from crying when answered with silence teary eyes and the brightest smile and heart-filled happiness. I only saw her. I saw her.
Today, I see her wearing that dress and the same teary eyes and contrasting heart-filled heaviness. I see her yet I saw her.