Chapter-9

I am here.

Nera slowly made her way to Dad; he was weeping silently. She turned to him and said, “Take me to him.” Nera has always been a soft-spoken woman, she never like raising her voice. She used to talk steady and soft as if to hear it, it was melodies of heaven. My Nera is heavenly. She gently asked him to take her to me, Nera had swallowed the fact, that I had died. Her arms would remain empty, forever.

I have never seen her cry for me, and I have never seen her so broken in these past three weeks. To my eyes, she looked shattered; anyone could tell.

Dad drove Nera to the cemetery. They both were putting up a front to be strong and keep the tears at bay. They sat in silence; Nera has always been a quiet person. She never liked speaking much, she liked talking just not to anyone. This silence was not what they were fluent in. Baggage of grief, heavy on both sides. The unsaid love I couldn’t profess, that she shall hold on to now. My father must be tying a stone on his heart, his grief is different than Nera’s, I could tell; as a father myself.

Humans are so crafty.

I was mad that my father drove me away and unintentionally I went on a way I would never walk with them. I am here, and still, I am. I can’t blame my demise on my father, it was not his fault yet he will live with this guilt, a regret of killing his own son, and all he did was to open his cold heart and I died; I died. I didn’t die with an unhappy father; his smile was proud when I ran to him and there I died.

They made their way to my grave. Dad walked forward, and Nera followed behind. Their steps were slow as if they hoped, that maybe time would change what was to come. This hapless spectator of time has lost his hand, a lost grip over reality. With every step, they dread the face of reality, which all of us hadn’t dreamed of.

And there they were, in front of my grave. Cielo Castillo engraved on the tombstone white marble and bunches of dried and as fresh as new flowers; it was my mother who had left them here. It was her way of grieving me, as a mother, always as a mother, gentle and soft. I watch her coming to my grave and crying here until her eyes dry, and then she leaves without sparing the last glance, her way of being a mother, gentle and soft. Nera was here now, Dad took a step back, and in a small voice, he told her he would wait for her in the car. She nodded in acceptance. It was Nera’s turn to wear the heavy coat of grief.

Cool ripples of wind, a soothing breezy night, and a full moon were daunting this night, Nera had been staring at my grave for the past 10 minutes, and in the meantime, I prepared myself for her. Her shoulder to cry. Nera murmured my name, “Cielo” With a pause of seconds again she said “Cielo”, I answered an immediate yes, the urgency in my voice was still not audible to her, after all, I was dead. Nera calls my name again and this time her fragile figure shakes lightly, the tears well in her eyes and they don’t die on the brim instead, they cascade down; And she lets grief consume her. Nera brushes the dust off my tombstone, cold and heavy, she sobs my name, “Cielo answer me, please.” A lone tear makes its way down. She bites her lips to suppress sobs, The hard heart I had grown in those 10 minutes shattered into pieces, my ear buzzing with her sobs and ringing of my breaking heart; dying was easier than this. I had died a thousand times if it promised me, I would not get to Nera ever like this, broken, so broken and I can't mend her heart. I can’t pick her up, touch her of sooth, wipe her tears, and pacify her of life. I wish I had died a better death, a more peaceful than this plight and I could only wish. “Cielo” she murmured, her voice trembling as if the name itself would shatter her.

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“Cielo, once please just once say ‘I am here Nera’ just once” My eyes tinged with tears, I am here Nera I am here. Every syllable left her with a stutter. She continued, “Cielo, I won’t get angry. I promise. There is not much time for anything. You are gone. They say you are gone, you…...you never promised me forever” She paused “Does…no…... I should have asked you for forever? You’d never deny it, Would you? Turns out it wasn’t really for us.” Every word edges with grief, a sharp tone cutting down the silence to bleed as same to me. She was seething in anger, those adorning eyes were painted red. Her lips were bitten between teeth to keep in tone. I condemned all my sins, what was this tyranny of God for why? She was shaking and hitching with short breaths. She looked down, her hair falling on her face, hindering me from her. My trembling fingers tried to soothe her with a touch. There was no consolation for both of us. Tears streaming down her face on my grave. Until she murmured “I…... I bought you flowers” Her heavy hands took the roses out of her coat and she put it down “I wore your favorite dress too. How do I look? Good? Nice enough for you to come?” She softly voices “No matter what I do…..Nothing will bring you back. You are so far away, gone. Cielo” she cried. I wail alone—a slave of mortal anguish. Nera mutters “You stopped my heart, Cielo” A cry leaves her with a stream of tears leaving an icy trail “You are gone, and now I don’t know a thing about love. You were all I knew about love and now” she huffs a breath to brace her “and now, all my love is under six feet, rotten flesh, and brisk bones. You’re….no more. I miss you Cielo, I miss you all day.” She buried her face in her palm, I held on to her yet was deprived of a real touch. She cries and cries. She balances herself and hugs the headstones, cold. She rests her head on the cold headstone and weeps her love. I watch it all, all of it. My heart crumbles as a fist smashes it in my chest. Wails of pain punctured me. She breaks on my grave, she breaks. She burst into broken sobs and I die again. Nera shatters in front of me, sharp and indispensable. I bend down and my faded self hugs her. I hug Nera and she feels is my cold tombstone, warmth seeping out of her into nothing but chills. I cry and we cry. Slaves of mortal anguish, no consolation to seize. A crack of unfortunate fate.

Her cries cease down to small soft breaths and she hugs my grave tighter; this time like a lover, she hugs me. I felt her and maybe she could feel me too and again I cried. A relief rush passes through me. She caressed it, held it like a lover, and whispered “We are here now. Apart, in different worlds. I miss you Cielo” She wavered “You can rest my love. I will manage, me, us, and our little daughter. Not a day in this world will go on without me reminding her how much you love her; you love her so much. How much you cried for her” My eyes and heart welled she resumed “Life slipped out our fingers before we even had an idea to fist on it. We will meet again, right? In the endless galaxy? There is always an array of hope, wouldn’t we have it too?” her voice cut “If there is forever and I had to do it again; if the world ends tomorrow and rewinds, I will still love you all over again, a thousands hundreds times. All over again because……. because you bury me. You bury me Cielo. Because I love you so I will hold on to everything good. I bury you, Cielo.” She mellows in the soft drizzle of rain. We are stringing logic that we like and life may hold us like lover’s caresses as much as we believe, and we huffed the same breath. A whirl of the realm and we were served with this taste, yet destinies are written with the same hand. Solitude was all for me, it was a shame; a son, a lover, a husband, and a father, all I was now; memories and just a name.

No one hears I am here.

I am still, Here.

In the drizzle, You and I, together just not together. I wanted time to rewind so I could hold you again and we could walk more and held again each other. She walked home. She went away. It was a whisper; she couldn’t hear and I was still just one call away.