“I gotta talk to you,” I said to Sasha at midnight. She’d opened her door a sliver. Waiting all day to tell her had been torture, but unavoidable.

“It better be good,” she said, letting me in. “I’ve got work in the morning.” Her room only had a bed in it, just like mine, so that is where she sat. I hesitated to sit with her.

“Where’s the crystal?” I asked. Neither Yukari nor Patchouli could be allowed to hear what I had to say.

“I put it under Emeff's cage,” said Sasha with a yawn. “Next to where she shits.”

“Oh. Good work.”

“Patchouli taught me how to safely clean it today. That’s how I know she spies on us.” I sat down next to her. “What’s this about? You’re scaring me.”

“I know,” I said as quietly as possible. “It’s better to whisper.”

“Okay,” she whispered back. “What’s up?”

“Is coffee technically food?”

“What?”

“Nevermind.” I took a breath. “And let me guess, you can taste garlic right now?”

“I can,” she said. “Is there some sort of disease that causes that or something? Do I have magical brain cancer?”

“No, no,” I said. “Well, probably not. You can always have the doctor look at you if you are worried.”

“Then what the fuck are we talking about?”

“The thing you are tasting is fear. It’s garlic, because your brain is trying to make sense of new information in the only way it knows how.” I remembered how Sekibanki had explained things to me the night before. “Before I continue, you should know that youkai and humans aren’t like apples and oranges… they’re more like apples, and apple-eating-apples.”

“That’s a dumb way to say that,” hissed Sasha. “They’re like… fish and sharks, which are just bigger fish with teeth.” I looked at her spiked collar, which was lying on the floor by the bed, next to other clothes she didn’t wear while sleeping. I looked at the ceiling instead.

“That metaphor erases the significant natural genetic variation among sea life,” I said. I’d studied marine biology a little bit, because the destruction of sea life was a compelling argument against automation. Alignment researchers had many arguments like that even if automation wasn’t the main problem.

“Fucking apple-eating-apples, though?”

“Fine, it’s like spiders and… smaller spiders.”

“Youkai aren’t just big humans, though. What about ants and wasps?”

“Too different,” I said. I snapped my fingers. “Rats and mice!”

“Rats aren’t known for eating mice, are they? Chimpanzees and monkeys.”

“That’s upsetting,” I said, “So yeah, that metaphor works really well.”

“Did you come here just to make predation metaphors?” she asked. “We were talking about fear, and why it tastes like garlic.”

“Right. Well… you see…”

I explained to her that the boundary between youkai and humans wasn’t sharply defined. There were humans that could do magic, like Marisa and Reimu. Then there were very human-like youkai–born witches like Patchouli, or immortals like Byakuren. Then there were less human youkai like werewolves (and rokurokubi, but I didn’t say that). Then there were even less human youkai like kappa or hakutaku or tsukumogami.

“What are those?” asked Sasha.

“Beloved tools that become sentient from being used so much and then thrown away.”

“Thanks for the classification lesson,” she said. “But all youkai are hot chicks anyway.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“That’s what everyone says, and you know it.”

“Anyway, when Se–my friend donated blood to us, it pushed us a little bit away from ‘human’ and a little bit toward ‘youkai.’”

“So it’s not that you’ve been skipping bathing, or eating things out of our spice cabinet… I can just taste your fear. Because youkai can taste it, and I’m a little bit of a youkai right now.”

“Well, kind of,” I said. “Normally it would be very unlikely or impossible for you to perceive my fear, even… from consuming youkai blood.” That wasn’t exactly what had happened, but it was how Sekibanki had thought of it. “However, recently you became more like a youkai in that you got wings.”

“Fake wings,” she said. “Artificial wings.”

I stared at her. “They allow you to fly. What else defines a ‘real’ wing?”

“But they aren’t actually mine.”

I shrugged. “Real or not, every youkai feature compounds your risk of turning into a youkai.” Sekibanki had also said that my ghostly sight might be contributing to my own issue, or perhaps the kidney duplication. It was hard to say.

“Are we just doomed to become youkai, then?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “We can go get religiously cleansed to halt the process, or it might stop on its own anyway.”

“Cleansed? Like, at the Byakuren temple?”

“I asked, and my friend said that Lady Hijiri doesn’t stop people from becoming youkai. It’s against her beliefs.” She'd become one herself on purpose, long ago.

“Oh.”

“Reimu might be able to cleanse us at the Hakurei shrine, but my friend recommended the Moriya shrine instead, because….”

Sasha waited patiently for two whole seconds before shaking me.

“... because Reimu might tell on us, and if she does… the missing leader could exile us.”

Better safe than sorry; I’d avoid saying Yukari’s name. It was a very strict rule of the human village that no one become youkai; the official punishment was death. My life was at stake.

“Or murder us,” I added, “Which might actually be the same thing depending on how far along we are, or the state of the Outside World.”

“Fuck,” said Sasha. “Fuck!”

“Let’s be quiet,” I said. “She also might not do anything. She’s hard to predict.” Being hard to predict gave Yukari power over her subjects, I was starting to realize. We would avoid breaking a rule that Yukari might not even enforce, or that we might not even be breaking.

“We will go to the Moriya Shrine tomorrow,” said Sasha.

“Well… I’m actually going to hold off a bit.”

“Why?”

“So my leg heals faster.”

Sasha stared at me like I was crazy. She didn’t object, however, because I was right.

–

Sasha didn’t like my reasoning, but she didn’t have a broken leg. When I explained that flying took power and eating fear granted the same power, she liked that even less. When I reminded her that the Moriya Shrine was up youkai mountain, right next to Yuuka’s domain, she decided that she’d also think about putting off the cleansing for a bit. She didn’t want to tangle with the most powerful youkai of the rebellion.

I warned her that paying attention to the sensations of fear was dangerous. While practicing eating fear would allow us to absorb fear more efficiently, it could also make us turn into youkai faster.

She asked me what kind of youkai we would become, and I told her that I had no idea. We might just end up like Byakuren Hijiri: superhumanly strong and sociopathic in a tolerant kind of way. Or we might end up like Toyosatomimi no Miko, with a specific superpower and sociopathic in an intolerable kind of way. Or we could end up like Marisa and Reimu: able to do magic and fly, and maybe age slower, but essentially human.

—

The next day Sasha went all the way down to the bottom of the Fantastic Blowhole and did battle against Parsee. The bridge troll opened negotiations by threatening to steal Sasha’s collar after ripping off her head.

“I have friends that will avenge me,” said Sasha. “You’d better play nice.” Was she talking about me? I was simultaneously flattered, and committed to avenging her.

“Fine,” said Parsee. “I’ll leave your collar on your neck.”

Sasha responded by opening fire. Parsee joined the engagement with a burst of green dankaku.

“How bad is it to lose part of your identity like that?” I asked Patchouli as we watched the spectacle. I was supremely nervous, and trying to remain calm. Sasha had already taken a hit from a fairy, and she was grazing bullets like crazy.

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“Having your head removed?” asked the librarian. “It’s typically fatal.”

“No, I mean, her collar. My hat.” My head practically itched with its absence.

“It will hurt, but you’ll recover.” Patchouli was watching the battle directly. “Powerful magics might be able to rip out a significant fraction of your identity with commensurately serious effects, but clothing is a small part. It would leave a small metaphysical wound, one that heals fast.”

Sasha was absolutely wailing on Parsee. The battle seemed to be going in her favor. But then, another youkai attacked Sasha from behind with a big ball of danmaku.

It was that fucking spider, Kurodani Yamame. I was gripping my seat hard. She shot out several lines of blue danmaku that pulled back into her a moment later, like webs. My roommate used her own spell card, filling the cavern with danmaku trees to run between. I was nauseated by the fast action and almost fell out of my chair.

“So, losing my hat is about as bad as being bit by a spider, say,” I said.

“Depends on the size of the spider,” said Patchouli. She tsk-tsked. “I warned Sasha she’d be ambushed.”

“Aren’t little spiders more deadly?” asked Nazrin.

“Nope,” said Patchouli. “That’s a myth.”

“I thought battles between equals were supposed to be one-on-one,” I said.

“They are. And look, Parsee is standing back.” Indeed, the bridge troll was biting her fingers and watching the secondary battle from a distance. Even so, my roommate kept spinning around to check on her. Putting her back to either of them was dangerous.

I winced; Sasha took a stream of danmaku to her core.

My roommate disappeared. I exhaled as the image disappeared with her. The escape option had worked.

“Whelp,” said Nazrin as she stretched. “We got further than yesterday.”

“I don’t understand how you two are being so casual about this,” I said.

“We’ve both been in hundreds of danmaku battles already,” said Patchouli. “By the way, can you stop leaving the communication crystal in a bird cage?”

“Where should we put it, then?”

“I don’t care. Somewhere where it’s less likely to be damaged.”

“I’ll give it to Wiki,” I said. “If you check in on him periodically, that’ll probably be good for everyone.”

She sighed. “You know, if I wanted to spy on you, I could do it in perhaps a dozen ways that are more subtle than designing a device, showing you how it works, then asking you to set it up for me.”

“Have you heard of cookies?” I asked. Humans often consented to being spied upon in exactly those circumstances. Not me, though.

Patchouli raised an eyebrow. “Maybe?”

“I have,” said Nazrin. “And baked goods would absolutely convince me to search for your hat.”

“Sorry, there’s a food shortage. I meant cookies on web browsers.”

“Oh,” said the mouse youkai, her brow furrowed. “You plan to bribe Yamame?”

“Forget it,” I said. “Anyway, Miss Knowledge, I’m trying to think of a way we could do worse regarding information security, than just going along with your transparent spying attempt.” The librarian snorted. “And I can’t.”

“Fair enough. As long as you aren’t counting on me observing the crystal at all times, things will be fine.” A few moments later, the image was restored as Sasha returned to the surface. She dusted herself off and began the trek back.

“Whelp,” said Nazrin. “I’m off.” She stood up to leave. I got up to follow her.

“Wait!” I said. She ignored me. “I want you to search for my hat!”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she said. She didn’t flip me off, but the sentiment was there.

So I shot her in the back with danmaku.

–

I hadn’t wanted to battle in the library. I didn’t worry about damaging anything; Patchouli had woven dozens of protection spells over everything. She had to deal with fairies, after all.

I worried about embarrassing myself in front of Patchouli. From the start of my battle against Nazrin I could feel the librarian’s attention on us, and it made me nervous. I knew I was weak. I knew she’d think less of me if I lost.

But I wanted my hat back, and I wasn’t going to give up without even trying.

The speed with which Nazrin spun around to return fire told me that she’d been ready. In fact, she might have been goading me into attacking her. She fired two blue lasers from either side, like she was swinging dowsing rods at me, and I leapt into the air. My limited ability to fly helped me move fast enough.

I wasn’t fast enough for long.

“Rare Metal Detector,” said Nazrin. She emitted blue lasers to the left and right. Each impinged upon a bookshelf, or the ceiling, or floor. Then they burst into blue bullets that streamed toward me from every direction. I grazed most of them, but one hit my core.

Foreign emotions became my own, and I felt surprise and relief. Nazrin wasn’t feeling belligerent toward me, or even resigned. She was excited. Eager, and relieved herself, like a hiker who finally caught sight of a trail sign in the distance. She’d been waiting to battle me for days.

My stomach rumbled loudly. The youkai was making no effort to dodge.

“You’re just hungry!” I said.

“You’re the one who mentioned cookies!” she called back. The blue lasers continued their barrage away from me, to burst into expanding shells of blue bullets. I kept hitting her with direct fire, but I also introspected a bit.

Was I upset with Nazrin for trying to feed on me, instead of simply helping me? A little. She could have just asked for a battle, and I could have gotten my hat days earlier. I leaped and rolled through the air. My stiff leg was hindering my movement.

On the other hand, she didn’t want me to do anything in particular other than fight… and it would be a faux pas to come challenge me just to get fed… so perhaps it really was more appropriate for me to start this? Patchouli had told me that I should be more willing to do battle with danmaku. Maybe she was right.

I took another hit, and wanted to fight Nazrin even more. At least I didn’t get the sense she wanted to eat my flesh. However, if I lost, I might lose my hat. I had missed it so much that it was becoming a legitimate distraction. I needed its protection for my mission.

“Conviction mines!” I said, and a few scattered groups of red danmaku appeared. Nazrin seemed to hesitate, then flew through one. I hobbled over toward her.

“You’re weak, Mister Thorne.” I was panting too much to reply.

“Stop that,” said Patchouli. A demon had walked through one of my mines. Fucking demons. I was failing to impress the librarian, I felt.

“You don’t seem to mind losing that much,” said Nazrin. “A loser in spirit.” She shot out two more lasers.

“Just… no,” I said, gasping. I really wanted to win, even if I couldn’t say it. I kept blasting her with danmaku.

“We aren’t making a trade!” said the mouse youkai. “Either you win and get what you want, or you lose and don’t! There’s no consolation prize, you moron!”

“Just show me where my hat is,” I wheezed.

“No!” She took off into the air, dodging for the first time. “If you want me to help you, you’re going to have to take this seriously. Gold Detector!”

This time the lasers were yellow, and there were twice as many of them raining down from above. Yellow bullets exploded all around me. I strained myself to dodge, lifting into the air and flying back and away. The lasers kept coming, and a final bullet hit me.

I could not take even one more hit. My resolve was wavering.

I could feel it–she really wasn’t going to help if I lost. She wanted me to lose, so she could eat and not have to do a damn thing. Humans felt the need to reciprocate, but that emotion was nonsense to the youkai. Nazrin did not have one ounce of generosity.

She was going to shame me in front of Patchouli and go on her merry way, and she believed that was right and proper.

It pissed me off, which was good. I rose into the air and shot her from close range, even though I couldn’t take another hit.

“Better,” said the mouse youkai as she retreated over a shelf and down between the books. “Pathetic, but better.”

“Conviction mines!” More bursts of red.

“A one trick pony. So sad.” The inevitably of losing was so goddamn frustrating. I canceled the spell card by mistake as I did another.

I had two tricks!

“Fire Sign: Akiba Summer!” A meter-thick ribbon of fire materialized in front of me as I used the borrowed spell and descended toward Nazrin over the shelf. Suddenly the library was aglow with firelight, and the space between the shelves was full of red. She couldn’t dodge; I was right next to her.

My next breath tasted like dusty air and some sickly sweet smell. I didn’t understand at first, except that I was no longer breathless. I waved my hand and the fire followed, swathing Nazrin in its glow. Her eyes were wide and her ears were twitching as she scrambled away. The taste grew stronger.

Of course. Mice were afraid of fire!

I chased after her, my strength swelling as she scrambled to flee on all fours. I flew very fast, without regard to safety. I lashed her with the fire again, and my strength surged even more.

She was terrified! Hah! Served her right.

I hoped Patchouli was watching as I used her spell to defeat this enemy. I couldn’t swing the fire around easily, but fortunately for me, I’d cornered the youkai. She huddled on the ground and I blasted her with the flame from point blank range like a flamethrower. My power was awesome; I would win!

“I’m sorry!” said Nazrin. “Please stop!”

“Who’s pathetic now!” I shouted.

“M–me!” Wait, what?

Were her eyes glittering?

Nazrin really was terrified of fire. Suddenly I didn’t feel so awesome. At the last second I remembered what I had been trying to do.

“Help me find my hat!” I bit out. The youkai nodded quickly and the compulsion took hold. The spell card ended.

I descended the last few inches and gently settled to the ground in front of her. Nazrin was shaking and curled up.

“Are you alright?” I asked. She didn’t look injured, except that her dress was a bit singed.

“Y-yeah,” she said, trying to get her breathing under control.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I only half felt it. She had been insulting me and had refused to help because she wanted something that she hadn’t even bothered to ask for. I looked down at her gray head. The youkai was still hyperventilating. As I watched her tremble, I could almost feel it as my frustration evaporated and gave way to concern.

I exhaled, and the anger was gone.

“Shit. I’m really sorry,” I said as I squatted down. “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Are you sure?” asked the mouse, looking up at me with red eyes that were still wide with fear. “I was trying to hurt yours.”

“... well, I didn’t want to hurt them that badly.” I offered her a hand, slowly, and to my relief she took it. I helped Nazrin stand back up. “I just wanted your help. I guess I prefer cooperation to coercion… danmaku is still weird for me… again, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said the youkai. “I should have expected it. I goaded you, you got mad.”

“And you got burned,” said Patchouli, who had flown around the stacks. “Not literally, I see. That’s good. It means Mister Thorne was trying to express himself, rather than immolate you.”

“Wait, I could have immolated her with that?!”

“No, not really, not unless you’ve got a hidden wellspring of magical might. You are untrained as a magician. And weak.” She looked at the bit of soot at the hem of Nazrin’s dress. “No offense.”

“None taken.” Except, I did have a hidden wellspring of magical might. I’d have to keep that in mind; I might accidentally burn someone if I wasn’t careful, and if my danmaku came out as genuine fire.

Then again, not everyone was as afraid of fire as the mouse youkai, so the feedback loop might not happen on anyone else. Patchouli, for example, would have probably chuckled at my attempt to burn her with her own spell before soaking me like a misbehaving fairy.

I glanced at Nazrin. She didn’t seem injured, physically at least. I almost apologized again but by then she had recovered her composure. I suspected it would just annoy her.

“Well then, shall we go find your hat?” asked the mouse, and I nodded. She took out her dowsing rods. “Hmm. I do feel stronger. So there’s that.”

Good work, said Patchouli in my mind. I’m proud of you.

But the voice sounded flat and empty in my mind, because I wasn’t proud of myself.