Later I’d tell myself that I tried to duck, but my flinch was barely enough to make my butt clench, never mind move me out of the way. Hijiri was just too damn fast. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and also Hijiri’s panties, which were unsurprisingly black-and-white. Her boot went straight through my head.

Luckily for me, it left my head intact. It hurt a little bit, like being flicked across the nose, but it hurt a lot less than what had happened to her earlier victim… probably? He might not have perceived anything. Perception lags reality by about a fifth of a second, and I was still trying to process the image of Hijiri’s panties. My hat fell off.

Just like that, I had lost the battle.

I blinked. Hijiri landed and spun around. She caught herself with one hand on my shoulder. Then she was standing right in front of me, her hazel eyes staring straight into mine.

I felt nothing but perfect allegiance to her and her cause, which was to allow humans and youkai to live together in harmony. That cause was my own.

Her kick had put the thought into my brain, but it had been there already. I felt allied to myself. I felt certain. Yes, I felt certain in my actions, and in my desire to protect humanity. I’d protect demons, too, if that were necessary–because humanity and its demons were two parts of the same whole. The youkai were worth protecting. Like children.

What’s more, humanity would make up new ghosts if we lost these ones, and these ones were actually pretty great if you considered the entire space of possible ghosts.

“I am protecting them,” Hijiri said, softly, as the crowd roared around us. “The humans. Your horror at a single human death is a naivete I don’t have permission to correct, but take heart. We are fighting this battle together.” I didn’t understand how it was true, but I believed it. That was the effect of danmaku.

Then Hijiri embraced me. She was shorter than you’d think, given her power. I embraced her back. The crowd fell silent.

“Thank you,” I said. I wasn’t sure what I was thanking her for; maybe just for not smashing my head like a grape. But I felt calmer and more at-ease with myself than I had all week. Suddenly, the fact that Raghav had beaten me to the punch seemed trivial.

“You’re welcome.” She let go, then went back to the stage. There was applause and cheering. I wandered back to the others in a daze.

“You honored that guy, huh?” said Miko to Hijiri, but I wasn’t able to pay much attention. My mind was still reeling with a feeling of certainty and striving. It felt like there might have even been some fear underneath it, even if it was well-controlled. I wondered if the fear was mine or hers. I couldn’t make sense of the feeling Hijiri had given me.

“Way to go!” said Wiki. “That was amazing!”

“I’m super duper jealous,” said Arnold. “When’s your date?”

“Er, never,” I said. “I already got what I wanted… I think.”

“A hug?” asked someone in the crowd. There was laughter, and an admonishment for not asking for more.

“No, some reassurance.” I looked back. Sasha had chosen to petition Miko, as expected. She gestured, but no danmaku materialized. Miko called out something about hearing Sasha’s request anyway, and that she’d have to get in line. When Sasha left the arena, I clapped at least as loud as the others.

The feeling of certainty was fading fast. Protecting humans could be a losing game–or a game where many pieces were spent. Ultimately, Hijiri didn’t consider every life valuable… no, that wasn’t quite right. All lives were equal to her, and of the same low value. Tweaker, engineer, youkai, or Buddhist prophet; all were equal to her. Life was fragile, and she never forgot it, even about herself.

At least we were allied.

“So how’d you do it?” asked Wiki.

“It’s going to take a while to explain,” I said.

“I’m all ears.” But actually, Wiki was still mostly mouth.

—

“Look, you’ve got to seek an emotion that is fundamental to you,” I said. “I was beaten down in the Outside World, so it took me a lot of work–”

“So you’re saying that I have to cultivate emotions I’ve been suppressing,” he said.

“Things related to work,” said Sasha, almost gagging.

“Not necessarily!”

“What you are describing sounds awful and self-destructive,” said Wiki. “Most of my emotions are negative.” I was pretty sure that any religious scholar would have disagreed with that. Miko or Hijiri would tell him his emotions weren’t like that.

“No, I think I get it,” said Sasha. “For example, I need more punk jewelry, and maybe some tattoos.”

“Maybe?” I said.

“Things that make me hard to hire. My ‘true nature’.”

“Er… I don’t think so. More practice is probably what you actually need–”

“We need to split up,” said Arnold. “Or else we won’t hit all the events. C’mon guys, there’s a festival going on!”

“Do we have to?” asked Sasha. “This shit will all happen again next week. We can just wait until then.”

“No!” I said. “Well, not about the events, about the danmaku. No waiting. You have to actually care, guys.”

“It’s that simple, huh?” said Wiki. “Care excessively?” They all looked at me with skepticism. Actually caring about things wasn’t something you could just do, so I empathized, I really did.

“Well, I care about hitting as many events as possible,” said Arnold. “Looks like there’s a sake taste-test.”

“I’ll take that one,” said Sasha.

“I was hoping for it.”

“We can both go, dumbass.”

“Miss Konpaku has a swordplay demonstration,” said Wiki, glancing at the list. “With fruit served afterward. I think I’ll go to that.”

“That still leaves quite a few things…” said Arnold. “Fortune telling, card trading, sigil signing, a ghost house, a train ride, a band, ice sculpting… a lot of options!”

“A fucking train ride?” asked Sasha. “What are we, twelve?”

“I bet Miss Yakumo is hosting that one,” said Wiki, “And I bet it’s way worse than you’re imagining.”

“I’ll try card trading,” I said. “Maybe get some spell cards, or powerful items.” It depended on which game the cards were from; cards stood in for a lot of things in Touhou games. If I could acquire an actual spell card at the festival, it would speed things along considerably.

Wiki hissed. “Good point…. Hmmm…”

“Go watch Youmu cut things in half,” said Sasha. “You know you want to.”

“But how will this doofus know which cards are the most valuable?”

I sighed. Arnold and Sasha went off in search of booze; I went to the card marketplace. Wiki followed after me. When we arrived, I was surprised and disappointed.

“Yu-gi-oh, Pokemon, Magic the Gathering,” I said. When I’d entered the market I’d been given a sampler ‘booster pack’ made of at least four different games. “And baseball. What the heck?”

“If I was into any of that, I wouldn’t be here in the first place!” said Wiki, not appreciating that other humans weren’t monomaniacal.

“Well, at least they’ve been reskinned to be about Touhou.” I showed him the card I had. It was titled Time Warp, and instead of…whatever the hell was supposed to be there, it had a picture of Izayoi Sakuya with a tea set. As you tilted the card, the title changed from Time Warp to Izayoi Sakuya.

“Oh,” he said. “Oh. That changes things.”

“Does it?”

“I’ve got to find a Nazrin card!”

“Probably used to be a Pikachu, if I had to guess.” Pikachu had been the most famous Pokemon for four decades. If humans believed in the mouse any harder, it would become an actual youkai and start having to frighten children.

“Doesn’t matter, if it’s Nazrin now.” Wiki was off to the races; he took his own booster pack and quickly sorted through it. Then he went to one of the tables and started to argue and make trades. His first exchange was a Wakasagihime card for Himemushi Momoyo; a mermaid for a centipede.

“I thought you wanted Nazrin.”

“I’ve got to get valuable things, so I’ll be able to afford her when I find her. How much would you say a Reimu is worth?” I tried to give it some consideration. Far away I saw the rainbow-colored Chimata Tenkyuu, the goddess of barter and transferring ownership. She was smiling and speaking to someone with a single finger raised.

“I’ve no idea.”

“Well, give me your Sakuya card, if it’s peanuts to you.” I almost did, but then I hesitated.

“Get me a Sekibanki card, and I will.”

“Sekibanki?” he asked incredulously. “Why her?”

I shrugged. “I heard she has a good head on her shoulders.” Actually, I wanted to show the real Sekibanki her card, later that evening.

He laughed. “Whatever, weirdo. You’re on.”

I accompanied him for a bit. It wasn’t long before he’d provided me with the card I wanted. Sekibanki’s card had originally been called Flamerush Rider.

“She doesn’t ride a horse in canon, does she?” I asked Wiki.

“No, but the headless horseman parallels are obvious. I’ll take that Sakuya, now.” Sakuya cards were apparently in high demand, but that was okay. I liked seeing Wiki in his element.

Nazrin ended up being a repainted Rattata. Wiki bitched about the card’s apparently unrealistic weakness, but then he found out there were four different versions of Nazrin at least, one from each of the trading card collections, and possibly more. He set about looking for the others.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

At some point someone who was an actual fan of Pokemon got into an argument with him. Five minutes into that is when I finally checked out. I bid them farewell, and started wandering around the square. I looked into people’s faces as I went.

There really were Touhou fans of all stripes. I saw a sub-saharan African arguing excitedly with a man in a kimono. Halfway through, the eastern-robed man handed a card over, and he received a card of his own. There was a quick exchange, and quick bows, and some quick laughter.

I wandered around, thinking about how I’d protect these people, even if they cared about little pieces of paper with a strange intensity. Sasha found me in the crowd.

“Hey,” I said. “Had enough sake?” She was frowning, and didn’t look inebriated, but she was trembling slightly.

“No. They weren’t lying about the ‘tasting’ part.”

“They only gave you a little?”

“Keine did something to it so that it wouldn’t make people drunk. Taste was all we got.”

“Lame.”

“Yeah. But the haunted house was actually kinda awesome.”

“Oh yeah? Real ghosts?”

“No,” she said. “Way better, actually. Almost had to change my shorts. But I don’t want to spoil the surprise, so you should just go check it out, let me know what you think. Unless you’re a punk bitch?”

“I’ll check it out later. I’m looking for Raghav.” I realized I was.

“Gonna start a prissy club with him?”

I laughed. “He’d be the president, so no. I did want to compare notes, though.”

“I’ll help you look,” she said.

“Where’s Arnold?”

“Oh, the bars are serving real alcohol. He’s spending his wages and making friends.”

“I’m happy for him.” We wandered through the crowd, and I kept looking at people’s faces. Wiki met up with us. He already had four Nazrin cards, although some were duplicates.

“Gonna become the rat king,” he said, breathlessly. “Hey, Sasha.”

“Hey. I’m happy for you.” She punched my shoulder. “This knucklehead hasn’t had enough practice. We’re looking for Raghav.”

“I think I saw him go that way? I could use a break, before I go after the last one.” Wiki joined us on our quest, and told us how he won a few cards by betting people he could name any character, and having them give away cards they themselves didn’t recognize. They’d cover the title, he’d name the character, and he’d win the card.

With a flash of finery we spotted Raghav in the crowd. He was making his way to the opposite side of town, near the schoolhouse. We jogged to catch up.

“Raghav!” I said.

“Greetings, Jake,” he said, not breaking stride. “I think we’ll make it in time.”

“In time for what?” asked Sasha.

“The train ride, of course.”

“Hahah, forget it. Have fun, kids.” She peeled away. Wiki stopped short, but then hastened to keep up.

“Nice watch,” he said to Raghav. I hadn’t noticed, but the Indian man had a shiny new Rolex attached to his wrist. (I didn’t know if it was an actual Rolex or some other brand, but it did ooze ‘fancy.’)

“Thank you. It was a consolation prize from Miss Toyosatomimi.” He held it up. “Nice, is it not?”

“Nice,” I said.

We rounded the schoolhouse and saw a fair number of people milling about near an isolated, full-scale train of two cars. It was the front end of a bullet train, sitting on a freshly-laid line of track that was a bit over a hundred feet long.

I had forgotten how big trains were. Without a platform around it, this one looked immense; the cars were ten feet tall and sixty feet long. There were wooden steps leading up to each of the train car entrances, but the lead car had no stairs to the driver’s entrance.

It would be able to roll about ten whole feet before derailing.

“Definitely Yukari’s work,” said Wiki, pointing over at the purple youkai. She towered over the people around her, even the men, and gently spun her parasol in front of the setting sun. She was talking to someone who was so short that I couldn’t see them. We walked up.

“I’m telling ya’, faster than fifty kilometers an hour, and ya’ll will be in danger.” The voice was a strange mix of melodious and rough. Like a lady redneck who sang in the choir. “I built it as best I could, but it’s only a step above duct tape.”

“Danger is the spice of life, Miss Kawashiro. Can’t we mend any bones that break?”

“Can’t mend decapitations,” she curtly replied. Wiki pushed ahead of us, through the crowd, and we found ourselves right next to Yukari and the smaller youkai she had addressed.

Kawashiro Nitori, the kappa engineer in a pocketed blue dress, was standing between the immense train and Yukari. She was four feet tall and wearing a green pouch backpack that was almost that wide. Her hat–rumored to cover her bald spot–was green as well. She idly twirled a socket wrench between her fingers, but when she saw us staring she tossed it over her shoulder and into a pocket on her bag. I wondered how she could even reach that pocket to pull it back out, but then I spotted a scissor lift mechanical arm sticking out over her other shoulder. It zipped the bag shut automatically.

“Hangers on,” she said, blushing. “Yukari, they’re staring. We’ll have it out later.” She turned to leave.

“Wait!” said Wiki. “I wanted to talk about the water system in the human village!”

“I’m not in the mood for an inquisition,” she said. “We’re working on it, please direct any questions toward the esteemed Miko–”

“No, no, no complaints! I’m just curious!” he said. “I saw your welding at the bathhouse, that’s what I’m interested in!”

Nitori blinked. “A human with sense, is it? How’s it you know I welded the fixtures at the bathhouse?”

“Who else knows water or metal so well?” asked Wiki. Nitori continued to blink at him.

“Other youkai wash themselves with buckets,” suggested Raghav. “Thank you for sparing us that fate.” Finally, Nitori snorted.

“Alright, boys, we can talk about it. Yukari ain’t gonna listen to me anyway.” Wiki asked her a question about how she worked materials, and Nitori said that she had an example at the front of the train. Apparently Raghav had gone there for Nitori as well, or at least was a fan, because all three of them walked off and left me alone with the most powerful youkai in Gensokyo.

It frustrated me, because I wanted to ask Nitori a question about a sewing machine. I found myself wondering how many people demanded her time. I tried to refocus.

I also had many questions for Yukari, but none that I dare ask.

“Mr. Thorne,” said Yukari. She materialized her fan. “We meet again. Have you come here for a ride?”

“I–yeah, I guess so. I’m a bit curious where we’re going, though.” The track was only a little longer than absolutely necessary, but Yukari was the goddess of boundaries and gaps. She could put us anywhere.

“Nowhere in particular,” she said. “This ride mostly goes up and down. I hope it can still keep your attention.”

I looked around. “Satori isn’t here, is she?”

“She is not. That means you can tell me what you don’t think about my dress.” She curtsied, briefly putting her fan and parasol to the side. “Well?”

“It’s, uh, it’s different.” Instead of a white dress with a purple tabard, it was a purple dress and a white… expanse of cleavage. Yukari was pushing some boundaries, it would seem, and once I noticed I was distracted. She had at least as much to show off as Sanae, but I was only chest-high to Yukari, so it was right in my face.

She seemed to know my thoughts without Satori’s help.

“Do you like it? Remember, you can absolutely get away with lies.”

“It’s great,” I said, relieved I didn’t have to determine whether I actually thought that. ‘Great’ could mean a lot of things.

“Good!” she said. “Good. I thought I should dress up and down for the festival, naturally. Also, I’d like to say that the hat suits you very well.”

“Thank you.” I tried to be brave. “So, I had an interesting conversation with Hijiri today.”

“I heard,” she said. “It is a shame that you want to talk about Hijiri, of all people.”

“Well, not her, exactly. Just, the… the mission.” I waved at the human village, and all the humans milling about,and steeled myself for my most important question. “What are you trying to do, here?”

“This is a social event, Mister Thorne. We are here to socialize.”

“I’m fairly certain you know what I mean.”

She fluttered her fan. “But you misunderstand me! Why do you insist on working at a social event?”

“It’s… it’s in my nature.” She laughed.

“Well, I can appreciate that about you. I had a sense of your nature when I brought you here. Tell me, what mission would you choose?”

I swallowed and told the truth. “I want to protect the humans. I realize now that I care a great deal about humanity, even if I wanted to run away into a land of fantasy. But if they weren’t here in Gensokyo… they wouldn’t need protection in the first place.” Then I had no idea what I’d be doing here, but it’d probably be a lot more gratifying… or would it?

“Did you not protect them in the Outside World?”

“No. I–I failed,” I said. I couldn’t hack it as an alignment researcher, and alignment research as a whole had largely failed. I looked at my feet. She fluttered her fan for several seconds as she considered what I had said.

“There are many more opportunities for you here,” she finally said. “That was the deal we made. You and Raghav are the prodigies of the danmaku class. I have high hopes for your abilities, and your ambitions.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“If you have any other thoughts about it, I’d appreciate it if you held them back until our check in, in several weeks’ time.” A bell rang out from nowhere in particular, and the train doors opened. “It is boarding time! Please enjoy the ride. Also; mind the gap!”

She stepped backward into a void full of red eyes and disappeared. I waited a moment for Wiki and Raghav to return. People were getting on the train, but the majority hung back and watched instead. It seemed that a lot of people had learned to hesitate before leaving on journeys.

After a minute I started up the stairs; I didn’t want to miss the train myself. Almost as soon as I’d moved, Raghav quickly walked back around the train, alone.

“Where’s Wiki?”

“Miss Yakumo put him on the train directly,” he said. “He is to watch the speedometer, at Miss Kawashiro’s suggestion. She seems to suspect that Miss Yakumo would ignore it.”

“Oh.” We made our way up the steps. “Want to sit next to each other?”

“Very well.”

The train was nowhere near capacity, which was a relief. There were still seats. Much of the crowd had elected to catch the next one, I thought. We settled near the back and I looked forward past the other passengers and through the glass window between us and the lead car. Wiki was there, and he turned around to give me a wave and a thumbs up. Then he sat down in the secondary operator’s seat and buckled himself in.

I belted myself as well.

“Is that necessary?” asked Raghav.

“It’s prudent.” After I said that he buckled his seatbelt, just like I had. “I wanted to ask you, how did you achieve your danmaku?”

“That would be telling,” he said.

“We could trade insights.”

“That is how I did it,” he said. “I traded insights with a youkai.”

“Which?”

“I have sworn myself to secrecy. I will not tell.”

“Oh. Fair enough.” It made a frightening amount of sense. Was it Sekibanki for him, too? Who else could it be?

Yukari’s voice came over the intercom.

“Welcome, lads and gentlemen.” There were some hesitant chuckles. I didn’t see any women on the train, other than Yukari herself. “Please remain seated and still, and keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times. This flight will be somewhat bumpy.”

“Flight,” I said.

“Do not get up or unfasten your seatbelts. Screaming, however, is permitted.”

I looked through the glass and the windshield at the front of the train. A huge gap had opened. It was pitch black and full of eyes, but as I watched the darkness dissolved into a clear image. I squinted. On the other side of the portal was the back of a train full of nerdy-looking men, and halfway through that I spotted a guy in a sun hat next to an Indian man in nice clothes.

“The first part of the journey involves connecting to the rest of the train,” announced Yukari. The gap moved closer.

I turned around and saw the back of my head from the other direction. Wiki was gripping his seat at the front of the train. Yukari was grinning, widely, and looking right at me. She inched closer as the gap–gaps? Was it one portal or two?–moved toward each other. I noticed that someone had welded a giant train disconnect to the front of the bullet train.

With a jolt and a screech of straining steel, our train connected to itself. Little movements became exaggerated as they propagated through the train, adding to themselves, but the screeching eventually settled down. Now everyone was gripping their seats with white knuckles.

“Can I get off?” someone shouted.

“This is a delicate operation,” said Yukari over the intercom. “It requires immense concentration. I will not be available to answer questions during the flight, nor after, and neither will any of you… if you distract me now.”

The portals angled and dipped, causing the train to kink at the intersection as it lifted off the ground. The train drifted backward, but then that portal rose, slowing and reversing the motion.

“Getting the angle right is critical,” said Yukari over the intercom. “As you are all undoubtedly aware, wind resistance will be the primary thing slowing our train.” We had gone silent. Yukari continued. “Gravity is foremost among aviation considerations, and I assure you that the gravity fields around my gaps are fiendishly complicated, but you shouldn’t worry about it too much. It is just drag for us! Your intuition is sufficient for what happens next.”

In moments, our train was two or three hundred feet off the ground. I saw people pointing up at the sky. There was also a lady with blood-red hair, but before I could get a good look at her she turned into a blur.

We were moving forward. I passed through the gap once, twice, and thrice in quick succession. The portal to the back lifted up as the portal ahead dipped, but they were becoming increasingly hard to tell apart. The ground stuttered in front of me, blossoming from the concentric gaps ahead. I put my hands on the seat in front of me, then my knees dug into it; ‘down’ was quickly becoming straight ahead.

“This is faster than fifty kilometers per hour,” observed Raghav, loudly enough to be heard over the screeching of metal. “Winston seems frozen!” And indeed, Wiki was cowering in his seat, his eyes screwed shut, his face as white as a sheet.

“Does anyone here know the terminal velocity of an eighty ton bullet train?” asked Yukari over the intercom. “No? Let us discover it together!”