We were walking toward the human village. The right way, with any luck, but in the back of my mind I felt like we couldn’t trust the fairies. Not because they were evil or anything–just because they were too stupid to be trusted.

“That’s why I hate using a fork,” said Daiyousei.

“Tell me everything I need to know to survive in Gensokyo,” Wiki said to Daiyousei. Wiki had tried asking questions of the ice fairy Cirno, but after the second question Cirno refused to respond except by blowing raspberries.

“Don’t you already know like everything about Touou?” Arnold asked Wiki. “No need to bother them!”

“I think I know a lot of things, but I could be wrong,” said Wiki. This was the most accurate statement I’d yet heard the man make.

“Just dodge the bullets!” said Daiyousei after a few seconds’ thought.

“Okay, but… I need more specific advice, like, where to get food and stuff?”

“Maybe the human village?” said the fairy in her high pitched voice.

“There’s dirt on the ground,” said Cirno. Wiki frowned at her. “I don’t know what humans eat!”

“Have you thought about the fact that you are asking an immortal youkai for survival tips?” I asked. I turned to Cirno. “Your survival strategy is ‘I can’t die, so there’s no problem,’ right?”

“Glad you know it!” she said. It was obvious, really. She had charged a man with an ax.

“Do fairies even need to eat?” I asked.

“We love eating,” said Cirno. “We do it every chance we get! Once a week! Or more!”

“Huh.”

“Why? Got any food?” She had a hungry look in her eyes.

“Not yet,” I said. “But if I ever do, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

“Well…” said Wiki. “I mean, maybe you could give me inside intel on youkai, or something along those lines?” Cirno blew a raspberry at him. Daiyousei smiled and tilted her head quizzically.

“I don’t know a lot of youkai,” she finally said.

“You are one.”

“That’s racist,” said Arnold, automatically.

“Not wrong, though,” said Wiki, and suddenly it felt like I was on Reddit again. I missed the website the way an alcoholic misses mouthwash.

“Most youkai aren’t very friendly,” said Daiyousei, somewhat glumly. She continued fluttering along, and I suddenly felt immense pity for the fairy. She had probably tried to be friends with every single youkai she met, and somehow ended up with Cirno.

“Which are friendliest?” I asked, and Daiyousei started naming names. She listed quite a few, to my surprise.

There were some obvious ones, like Sunny Milk and Luna Child, who were other fairies that you could find in the forest. But then she listed a few I hadn’t considered: Kawashiro Nitori, Sekibanki, Hoshiguma Yuugi, and Byakuren Hijiri.

“That’s a lot of names,” said Arnold. Wiki was shaking his head.

“Yuugi is an oni,” said Wiki.

“A what?” asked Arnold.

“A demon,” I said.

“An ogre,” Wiki corrected me, and I was one-hundred-percent certain that if I’d said ‘ogre’ he would have told me that Yuugi was a ‘demon’ instead. “Yuugi’s probably not safe.”

“You take that back!” said Cirno.

“She likes to share drinks,” said Daiyousei, apologetically. “She likes strong people, and Cirno’s the strongest fairy, so…”

“But that means that you go underground,” said Wiki. Yuugi was an oni that lived in the Old Capital, a place that was buried and forgotten, and full of oni besides. It was a city in a cavern, on the way to the Former Hell of Blazing Fires, but a bit more accessible than Hell from the surface. Komeiji Satori, the mind reader, was from around those parts.

“I go wherever I want!” said Cirno.

Daiyousei was a bit more helpful; she explained how the hot springs in the underground were a popular destination for humans and youkai alike. Cirno was acting surly, and at the mention of humans going underground she grumbled.

“Too many humans,” she said. She was looking ahead at a smattering of wooden buildings. We had reached the human village. The forest thinned and we were entering an open plain with many structures dotting it. The center of town had cobbled paths, but here on the outskirts it was just smashed dirt and grass.

“Too many humans?” I asked. I looked out at the town.

At first I thought the buildings were burnt-out, or decrepit, but I realized pretty quickly that the opposite was true. At the edge of the human village I could see seven or eight structures that were still under construction. I looked further, and saw more half-finished buildings off to the right. These were simple, wooden things: not framing like you might expect in the Outside World, but instead they were wooden poles waiting for slats, or perhaps paper walls.

“How many humans. exactly?” asked Wiki. Cirno shrugged, but then remembered to stick out her tongue and blow another raspberry.

“Can’t count that high,” said Daiyousei. “Goodbye!” The fairies flew away, perhaps before we could ask for more favors.

We walked down into the village.

—

“Are you patting your own ass?” asked Wiki.

“I left my phone on Earth,” I said. I had been wondering what time it was. In a different era I might have looked at my wrist, I supposed, or I don’t know, I might have looked north toward a clock tower. I just wanted to know the time.

The town was bustling, like a festival was already underway. The streets were full of people coming and going. About a quarter of them were in traditional Japanese garb. The other three quarters…

“Are we at a fuckin’ weeb convention or something?” asked Arnold, after we passed yet another group just like our own; nerdy overweight men in their thirties or forties.

Well, like Wiki and myself. Arnold was built like a tank.

“‘Fucking weeb convention,’” said Wiki, trying to match Arnold’s baritone. “At least say ‘Reitaisai’ or ‘Comiket’ or ‘AI-CanvasCon’.... or Anime Expo!”

“I’ve never been to one of those,” I said. We walked past a statue of a Japanese man in traditional armor. I wanted to stop and read the plaque, but the flow of people walking was a bit strong here and I didn’t feel comfortable getting in anyone’s way.

“It shows,” said Wiki, as he looked around. “Yeah, this could be a Touhou Convention. They are usually sausage fests.”

I was noticing a variety of nationalities, at least; Indian, Chinese, and Japanese as well as American. After a moment’s thought I realized that there were probably Europeans and Koreans here too, I just wasn’t able to tell nationality apart that well. I saw some darker-skinned people that I assumed were from Africa, mostly because of their clothes. Everyone seemed to be speaking English, which was kind of odd.

I supposed it would make sense that Yukari would open Gensokyo to the whole world at once. I frowned.

Being the only man in Gensokyo (ignoring Rinnosuke, who we still hadn’t seen) would have been great. It would have been the start of a grand adventure where my unique powers and perspective set me apart. Or perhaps I’d get into some sort of romance where I could choose any of dozens of single monster women to date.

Being one of a handful of men–fine, whatever. I could try to make friends, and we could party up and defeat the big bad together, and monster women would still outnumber us ten to one.

But being one of hundreds of men? All crammed into a tiny village, like cattle, or hairy sardines? I heard someone laughing way too loud.

This kinda sucked.

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

“I don’t feel so special anymore,” I said. Wiki gave me a sideways glance.

“I don’t have that problem,” he replied. “Where are we supposed to go, anyway?”

“Probably over there,” said Arnold, pointing to a place with a long line of people. We trudged toward it and got in line. Wiki said something about at least knowing what we were lining up for, before he walked off.

When he returned he informed us that there was an immigration office and that we were in line to join the census and be assigned to housing. Yukari apparently drew the line at filling out our paperwork for us, even if she was willing to interview us extensively. I chatted with the others while we waited in line.

“Yu–Miss Yakumo wasn’t what I was expecting,” said Wiki.

“Neither was Satori,” I added.

“You met Satori?” asked Wiki. I explained what I had seen, and was surprised that neither Arnold nor Wiki had noticed her presence. She had definitely been there for them, though, because they had been put in front of a portal with a single eye.

“They are called gaps,” said Wiki. “Not ‘portals’.”

“You knew what I was talking about, though,” I said.

“Terminology is important!” he said. “Be specific, so we don’t have miscommunications.”

“I could not have said it better myself,” said a woman with purple hair. I did a double-take.

It was Reisen Undongein Inaba, a former rabbit of the moon–one of the most distinct Touhou characters. She had rabbit ears and office clothes with a red tie. She also had a square backpack on, a large woven basket sitting high on her shoulders, something that didn’t match the rest of her attire very well. She was holding a stack of clipboards.

“Reisen!” said Wiki.

“Miss Inaba, if you’d please.” Her smile didn’t falter for a moment. She gave a clipboard to him, then another to me. “Please fill this out as specifically as possible, so that we don’t have to follow up with you.”

I looked down; it was a health questionnaire like you might find in a doctor’s office. I pulled the pen off the clipboard and started filling it out. I briefly considered making up a new name, but ‘Jake’ had served me well enough for thirty one years.

“What’s this about?” asked Wiki, and I was grateful. I was too shy to ask Reisen any questions, myself. In addition to being tall and heart-stoppingly beautiful, I noticed that she had a side-arm which I was pretty sure was a glock with rabbit ears taped to it. Apparently guns were useful in Gensokyo… or at least in the human village.

Beyond that, visiting the doctor always made me nervous and uncomfortable. Resien spoke with the same finality as an impatient nurse, or a dismissive receptionist.

“These are standard health questions,” said Reisen. “Lady Yagokoro will be designing a course of medication for each of you; please write down any health problems you face, and we’ll see what we can do.” Eirin Yagokoro was Reisen’s boss in the lore, and a supernaturally-gifted pharmacist.

“Can she make me taller?” asked Wiki.

“No,” said Reisen, her smile cracking a bit.

“Worth a shot,” muttered Wiki as he started filling out the form.

“At least you didn’t ask to be immortal,” I said.

“Oh my God, you would not believe how many–” said Reisen, before she caught herself and her professional demeanor returned. It made sense; Eirin Yagokoro was the one who had invented the Hourai Elixir, which grants immortality. They’d been banished to Earth for it.

“I should have thought of that first,” said Wiki.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “So there’s really a society of youkai on the moon?”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” she said, pleasantly. I decided not to push, and focused on filling out my form. It was fairly standard until I got to the fifth question:

Do your ears itch when you hear the word 'platypus'? (Y/N): _________________

I thought the question was absurd, but doubly-so when my ears began to itch uncontrollably.

“What the fuck?” I said as I scratched. Reisen gave me a look of pity, then handed me a white pill. I was blushing; I’d sworn in front of her. “What’s this?”

“Lady Yagokoro had a temporary spell put over the human village as part of the health screening,” explained Reisen. She was tearing a sheet of paper from a stack she had. “Your ears will itch if you think of platypi while having a nutritional deficiency.”

I continued to stare at the pill she’d handed me.

“That’s a vitamin,” she said.

“Ah,” I said. I tried to swallow the pill, which was difficult since I had no water. Reisen gave me the other sheet of paper, which had a lot of questions about my diet.

“Nutrition is important,” said Arnold. “Are you a vegetarian, maybe?”

“Not by choice,” I said. I had been unemployed and renting a literal closet; my diet hadn’t been great. I was looking forward to trying ramen with things other than noodles in it. I filled out the extra paperwork and tried my best not to think about platypi.

A few of the questions on the general survey were weird, but none of them affected me like the first had.

Have you viewed art and felt physically moved? (Y/N):____________

If yes, did you float, levitate, or roll across the floor?: _________________

Have you tried bathing in tomato juice as a form of self-care? (Y/N): _________________

If yes, did you feel more like a soup or a salad afterwards?: _________________

After I finished the form, I handed the clipboard back to Reisen. She pulled my sheet of paper off from it and stuck it in the basket on her back. Something about the health questionnaire made me feel a bit better about things; at least the powers of Gensokyo cared more about my health than the Outside World.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome!” she said with a smile that seemed a bit more genuine. Reisen took Arnold’s paper and he thanked her as well. She turned and walked off. I wondered if Yukari was paying her, too, or if she had volunteered.

“She has a gun,” said Arnold, belatedly.

“No fluffy tail though,” added Wiki, “Not that we can see.”

“So we’re all just looking at her butt?” I asked. I turned, forcing myself to look away, and resolved to be better than these two miscreants. When I did, a few of the dudes in front of me pretended they had been looking at the sky, or turned around suddenly themselves.

The line moved fairly fast. My respect for operations at Gensokyo only improved. We passed another statue of a man in traditional armor, and I wondered about its purveyance. Who made it? Why did they put it there? Staring at a random statue too long would look weird, though, so I kept moving.

The logistics of moving hundreds of people into Gensokyo couldn’t have been easy. It made me wonder why Yukari had gotten this underway. Would they get a youkai to grow the food with magic, like Minoriko Aki, the goddess of harvest? How did her power work, anyway? It might be strained by having hundreds of mouths to feed.

How were they going to do security? Reisen had a gun… but there was also the screening. Maybe Yakumo would handle enforcement herself. She was powerful enough. Then again, if power were sufficient for order, nukes would have made police drones unnecessary in the Outside World.

Heck, I hadn’t even seen who was constructing the buildings. Kawashiro Nitori, the kappa engineer, was the first possibility that came to mind. She was more of a mad scientist than a construction worker. Cirno had mentioned that she was friendly, but it was hard to imagine any youkai doing menial labor, unless you counted the ones that were servants to more powerful youkai.

At least the line was moving quickly. When we got to the front we stepped up to a wooden counter. It wasn’t a proper building so much as a temporary gazebo. Several stations were set up. Behind the structure was a field full of groups of people milling about.

I saw a familiar face behind the counter, as well as a glaring third eye. Of course Satori the Immigration Officer would be there. She was smiling.

“Finally, someone who isn’t imagining Reisen’s ass in great detail.” Her smile disappeared. “Whoops.”

“Sorry,” I said.

“How are you, Jake?” Hell yeah, first-name basis with Satori. She definitely didn’t have time to remember everyone’s name, right?

“I’m good.”

“Stop agonizing over logistics. Add yourself to the census, instead.” She pointed to the papers. “I see you’ve made some fri—acquaintances. That’ll make things easier.”

“Komeiji Satori!” said Wiki. “I–”

“Oh my god shut up,” she said. Satori put her hands over her ears. “Can someone get this guy out of here, fuck, you really want him around?” She said half of that to me.

“I–” said Wiki.

“Just go!”

Wiki turned and walked out from under the covering. There were a few dozen small groups of people milling about, and he went to join one of the groups, hesitatingly.

“He’s got a good heart, probably, but holy shit, it’s like a chorus of chainsaws in there.” She pulled out a piece of paper. “I’ll fill this out for him, and before you ask, no, I’m not screening people for compatibility. I’m not good at the whole ‘more than one person’ thing, compatibility is entirely different from mind reading.”

She was responding to my thoughts before I could finish thinking them. Based upon the paperwork, I’d inferred that we’d be assigned to dorms with four people per building.

“Yeah, he is good to have around. Arnold too, I can see what you mean,” she said, looking up at the tall man. “I’m not here for that. I’m here to do a second temperament check. Oh, you like them?” Now I wasn’t sure who she was responding to.

The form I was looking at had a space for ‘desired roommates’. I couldn’t remember Arnold and Wiki–Winston, rather–I couldn't remember their last names. However, Satori said them when I thought about it. I tried to beam gratitude to her, and she tried to smile in return. I wondered if she gave final approval for housing decisions. Satori pointed over her shoulder.

“Actually, those two will be grouping you off.”

Hijiri Byakuren and Toyosatomimi no Miko were walking from group to group, talking with each other. I recognized the former from her black and white outfit, and the latter from her scepter and earmuffs. I felt my heart-rate quicken–these were powerful youkai.

Hijiri was the closest thing to a messiah in Gensokyo: a buddhist nun with compassion for all living things, youkai or not. She was a pacifist, if you didn’t count the fact that you had to fight her in the games. She had once been human. Now she led the Myouren temple as an immortal priestess. She was basically Jesus of Touhou, if Jesus had ever had the advantage of a sizable bust and some sick ass karate.

But in that case, Toyosatomimi no Miko would be Richard Dawkins. They did not get along.

“I like that metaphor,” said Satori. “Miko has the ability to listen to the ‘ten desires’ of someone, which is close enough to mind reading for her to be absolutely infuriating to someone like me. You’ll probably find her frustrating, almost everyone does.”

“Ah–”

“You’d better get used to her, though–she’s your new landlord.”

“Ah, shit,” I said. “Why’s Hijiri here, though?”

“To prevent a revolt.”

“Ah–”

“I’m uncomfortable in this situation, so please move along,” said Satori. She turned to someone who wasn’t there. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Who are you talking to?” asked Arnold. Satori waved her hand and said a name I forgot.

“Clear it with Miko first…” She turned back to us. “That means goodbye.”

Like Wiki, I left before I could bother Satori too much. Someone in green who I couldn’t think about was leading us across the field, straight toward Hijiri and Miko.