“Don’t consort with oni,” Nazrin warned the crowd.

We were watching Sasha repel attackers near Hot Springs Town. All of the attacking oni were men, because at some point they’d decided that was the best way to tempt Sasha. Those poor fools didn’t know she was an ace fighter.

The image showed their hard, masculine bodies in fairly great detail.

“They have tried to seduce our brave explorers,” continued Nazrin as she stared at the projection. “But their siren’s song is deadly. They eat anyone foolish enough to follow it.”

“Sirens are actually pretty nice,” Arnold told Renko. “I’ve only met one, but she was nice.”

“Why would we be tempted?” said an observing martial artist. “I mean, yeah, they’re built, but… being attractive is more complicated than that!”

“Speak for yourself,” said Mister Speedo. He’d gotten a puffer jacket for the winter, but we all knew what he was wearing underneath it.

“Yeah,” said someone else. “My counterargument is boobs. If they had those they’d be unstoppable.”

“Some of them do,” said Wiki.

“It’s a compelling argument,” added Arnold beside me with a sage nod. He turned around to talk to the man. “They’ll even grow some to distract you.”

“Wait what?” He tilted his head and looked back toward the display.

“The oni alter their appearance to appear more attractive,” said Nazrin, addressing the crowd. “Don’t let them fool you! If you follow them back into their hot springs, they will eat you alive!” That was skipping some steps, but substantially correct.

“That’s not fair,” said someone. “I wish I could switch at will.”

“Who says they switch anything but their appearance?” asked Patchouli.

She did not elaborate. We puzzled over what she might mean. Most of the crowd seemed skeptical (of the appearance part, not the getting eaten alive part). Patchouli checked a box on a list.

We had already discussed the issue of the oni. Revealing them to humans in Human Town was a risk, because the oni might try to ‘convert’ some of our audience. We’d decided to trust the humans of Human Town to have some common sense, and also to warn them early and often. One benefit of sending Sasha first was that the youkai didn’t really know how to be attractive to her, and their best guesses didn’t exactly match the demographics of the crowd.

I was more worried about what our observers would think of the oni’s response to Arnold. Nazrin would give a warning every time. Hopefully that’d be enough. Hoshiguma Yuugi showed up on the stream as I contemplated it.

The single-horned oni in a yukata was carrying her sake dish, and was probably using magic to keep her clothing closed. Her expression and most of her body was hard. The crowd sat on the edge of their seats. It was probably from seeing a powerful youkai, and not from her impressive cleavage.

“Back again,” said the oni mayor. Her voice was projected across the crystal just like Sasha’s. “I’ve heard that humans are starving.”

“They are,” said Sasha.

“As above, so below,” said the oni. She was putting on a voice of somber regality. She even looked at the crystal from time to time.

“That’s part of why I’m here to fight,” continued my roommate. “To ask you for a boon.”

“What kind?”

“Alcohol.”

We had plans to use it in the human village, both as fuel and (after some alteration) as food. The oni had an infinite supply and there was a trade in the stuff, mediated by Satori. We unfortunately didn’t have infinite money to buy it from them, but that’s what danmaku compulsions were for.

“Are you hungry, little girl?” asked Yuugi. She’d called me ‘little boy’ more than once. Everyone was little compared to the oni.

“Very,” said Sasha. “Not hungry enough to let you take me to dinner, though.” There was some whispering in the crowd.

“Why not?” asked Yuugi. “C’mon. If you get lucky, I might let you eat me yourself!” The whispers grew louder.

“Liar,” said Sasha. Yuugi growled, and the image wavered with the sound. I saw Sasha’s posture tighten but she didn’t flinch. “You rig the games in your favor.”

“Not true,” said Yuugi with a snarl. Insulting her honor was a risky move. It was true that Yuugi and Suika remained at the top of the cannibalistic food chain, though.

“I do have a question, though,” said Sasha. “The sake you provide to Human Town is safe, right?”

“She shouldn’t be giving them ideas,” said Wiki.

“They aren’t stupid,” I reminded him. “They could come up with that on their own.”

“Are you sure?” asked Renko.

“Safe?” asked the oni. “You mean, unadulterated with curses?” Oni saliva or flesh would convert a human. Other bodily fluids might work, too, but I didn’t give it any more thought.

“Yeah,” said Sasha.

“Consent is important to us,” said Yuugi.

“More lies.”

“It’s the truth,” said the oni, her expression hard and serious. “We love humans. You are like little children. Your excesses are small and innocent. But not all of you are worthy to grow up.”

“Ohhhh,” said Arnold. “She meant oni consent, not human consent.”

“Not all of us are hedonists,” said Sasha. “It’s true.”

“You are like little seeds. We send you gifts, so that those of you with potential might sprout–but indiscriminate poisoning wouldn’t help anyone, would it? Not all seeds grow into plants. Some are turned into spirits instead.” The oni flew back. That meant that the conversation was almost over.

“If you care about consent so much, you wouldn’t have locked me up,” said Sasha.

“It was to protect you as much as anything. And if you joined us, you wouldn’t need protection.”

“I would never.”

“That’s too bad. From the moment I saw you, I knew that you’d make a great monster.”

The oni burst into danmaku. Sasha responded in kind. The crowd continued to whisper.

“Where’s Suika?” asked Wiki. You could count on him to keep his eyes on the prize.

“Miss Ibuki,” corrected Reika beside him.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Normally she’s there, right beside Yuugi. She’s never been absent.” The smaller oni didn’t say as much as the mayor, but she always showed up to the fights. “You don’t suppose she’s been eaten?”

“I hope not…” said Wiki. “We need her gourd, and I doubt that it would continue to function without her.”

I bit my nails and watched the fight continue. I knew Sasha could retreat in time, but if Suika had been eaten before we could even compel her, it would be a great and permanent loss. I didn’t let out a breath until Ibuki Suika herself showed up halfway through.

There were bags under the smaller oni’s eyes, and her outfit was dirty. I hadn’t even thought about Suika ever cleaning it until then. The two-horned oni with purple ribbons jumped into battle, giving Yuugi a break.

Her form was lacking, and her danmaku was unusually sparse.

“She looks hungover,” said Renko.

“I’m surprised,” said Arnold. “I didn’t think they could drink too much!”

“It’s good evidence that the gourd really is bottomless,” said Wiki as he made a note.

—

We were sitting in the chairs as the rest of the crowd got up to leave. The crowd was talking loudly and excitedly, their voices full of disappointment and hope. Sasha had been defeated by the oni, but it had been a close thing–and everyone present knew that Suika’s gourd was a path to calories, however sparse. Nazrin had announced as much.

“She’ll probably fight you if you ask nicely,” said someone behind me. “But she’s going to kick your ass.” He must have been talking about Sasha.

“That’s how you get better,” said the other person. He was part of barrier maintenance personnel. I still hadn’t learned his name. “You’ve got to look for the strongest opponent that isn’t going to murder you.”

I didn’t hear the response; they were walking away.

“I’d almost forgotten Suika’s spellcards,” said Wiki as he reviewed his notes from where he sat beside Arnold. “Their translation to three dimensions was unexpectedly straightforward.”

“So you’ll have advice for Sasha when she gets back?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said. “On the other hand, I did not expect Oni Crowd: Imp Swarm to involve literal oni.”

“What would it be if not oni?” I asked. “Imps?”

“Aren’t imps a kind of oni?” asked Maribel.

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“No,” said Wiki as he rubbed his chin. “That description is poetic more than literal. As for what else it might be, Suika releases smaller copies of herself in the games. I take it she’s never duplicated herself in front of you?”

“Nope,” said Arnold.

“One might rationalize it as Zun reusing sprites at the cost of accuracy.”

“What’s the counter for it?” asked my axe-wielding roommate. He hadn’t even had to fight her, yet.

“Ignore the imps, focus-fire Suika,” he said.

“Her name is Miss Ibuki,” said Reika with a frown. “Just because she’s underground doesn’t mean you should disrespect her.”

“Sorry,” he said, taking her hand again. I’d have to ask him about that. “In the games they are all defeated when the spellcard ends, so ending it as soon as possible is the preferable choice. The other oni are like your mines, Jake. A distraction.”

“I’m more and more confident that this will be worthwhile,” I said as I stood up. If Sasha got extra practice from challengers and advice from Wiki, then we were getting all the benefits I’d imagined.

“I hope so,” said Patchouli from her seat. Her voice sounded weak.

“Are you alright?” I asked as I went up to the platform. I flew without thinking, drawing some attention.

The librarian had her head on the table. She was sweating despite the cold. A few human stragglers watched me, but I could forget about them for a moment. Patchouli stood up and wobbled. She put one of her arms over my shoulder. Nazrin moved in under the other.

“Just tired,” said the librarian. “Help me fly back to the mansion.”

“I am right here, my lady,” said the koakuma. Patchouli shook her head.

“Of course,” I said. We flew off, leaving the Scrydome and curious humans behind. The koakuma automatically went ahead of us. The demon might be bound, but she could still fight lesser threats.

“I don’t know whether I should pull out an encyclopedia or challenge you to battle, first,” Patchouli mumbled to me as we flew. She coughed. “Both, maybe?”

“I’ll help however I can.”

We did end up using both strategies: a quick fight, and then Patchouli retreated to read in privacy. She didn’t take me to bed that evening, and I was okay with that. I thought about what it meant that I could provide her with danmaku to strengthen her.

—

“I can’t go on Wednesday, so let me go second,” said Arnold. I frowned at him. He was cleaning Emeff’s cage–I wondered if he was trying to do something nice, to ask for a favor.

“Sasha could go on Wednesday,” I said.

“I can’t, dumbass,” said my other roommate. “I’m escorting him up the mountain. And you can wait one more day.”

“Fine,” I said. “Neither of you want to watch my first livestream?”

“I would if I wasn’t turning into a monster,” said Arnold.

“Eh, I’ve seen it enough,” said Sasha. She yawned, ostentatiously in my opinion, and walked up the stairs. “I’m beat, so see you two later.”

She left Arnold and I in the living room. Wiki was already in bed. This was a perfect chance for me to ask Arnold about his lasciviousness in Hakugyokurou, and to tell him I had a girlfriend myself.

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I said.

“What a coincidence. Me too!” Arnold glanced at me. “Do you want to go first or second?”

“First? Hmm.”

It was ambiguous what ‘first’ and ‘second’ would even mean–I was realizing I wanted to both ask him and tell him about romance. Reciprocity meant that I couldn’t just become an inquisitor about his love life. I exhaled and decided to talk about myself first.

“Patchouli and I are… an item.” I couldn’t very well say we were dating; Patchouli Knowledge didn’t do dates.

“I’m so happy for you!” he said, throwing a rag on the table as he walked over to me. Arnold gave me a big hug, then set me back down.

“We’re not, like, engaged or anything,” I said. “It’s just physical. Purely transactional.”

“Oh,” he said. “Huh. Maybe I should have gone for the high five then?”

“I mean, I would want it to be something more… meaningful, but Patchouli doesn’t feel emotions like that, so.” So I’d take what I could get. I was trying really hard not to feel shame while talking about it, but some was creeping in.

I hadn’t even realized that I’d wanted to talk about this, until I’d already started.

“Who told you that?” he asked. “Was it Patchouli?”

“Yeah,” I said. I rubbed my chin.

Patchouli had admitted that she didn’t understand human emotions. Maybe she was mistaken, and she could feel the desire for a long term relationship? And monogamy? I shook my head.

I wasn’t Arnold, but even I knew ‘I’ll fix her’ was a foolish way to approach a relationship, especially when the person wasn’t even broken.

“It’s mean of her to pursue a physical relationship at the cost of your emotions,” said Arnold.

“Oh, no, don’t misunderstand. She warned me, and I said I was okay with it. Then she still said no at first, but I convinced her”

“Who made the first move? You?”

“Ye–no, not exactly.” I laughed. “Remilia pushed us together and said ‘now kiss,’ so I asked if she wanted to kiss.”

“For real?” Arnold sat back.

“It was more subtle than that, but essentially, yeah.”

“Remilia may be good deep down, but that’s way too much empathy from her!”

“I’m not sure I’d say Remilia is good deep down,” I said.

“Ungrateful, eh?” asked Arnold with a chuckle. “Hmm. Remilia probably wanted this for Patchouli, not for you.”

“I think you’re right,” I said. I wondered what Patchouli got out of it that was so important. She did seem to enjoy our trysts, and with her feedback I thought I was getting better at the physical side of things, but some part of me doubted that the vampire would have gone to so much trouble just to play matchmaker for her friend who already had matches.

Maybe I was being unfair to Remilia.

“Are you happy?” asked Arnold, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yes!” I said. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been, since coming to Gensokyo!”

“Good!”

“I mean, even if we aren’t committed to each other… it’s a lot of fun, and I like Patchouli, and I’d do anything for her. I–I care about her a lot, even if she doesn’t feel the same way about me. And that’s okay, I’ve accepted that much.”

I was a firm believer in the idea of self-effacing love. Ever since my first crush, in middle school, where I’d completely failed to impress a girl named Elizabeth–and a sober-minded thirteen-year-old me had decided that an unrequited love was still beautiful, too.

I read a lot of novels as a child. Some of them weren’t for children, in retrospect.

“If you’re happy, I’m happy,” said Arnold, patting my back. “And I think Patchouli cares a lot about you, too–but you’ve got to listen to her when she says she doesn’t want the same things as you.”

“I know,” I said with a sigh. “We’re not a perfect match. We’re not even the same species! But I think it’s worth it, and she does too.”

“Good.”

“Let’s talk about the other thing, now,” I said. “Your turn.”

“Well…” said Arnold, rubbing the back of his head. “It’s kind of related, but it’s gross and might offend your sensibilities, so if you don’t want to hear about it, I’m fine with that.”

I felt my head tilting. “Offend my sensibilities? I saw porn before it was banned, Arnold. Nothing you could be doing with Yuyuko would surprise me.”

“How’d you know about Yuyuko?” he asked, taken aback.

“I had suspicions,” I said. “Sasha wanted me to talk to you about it. We were about to stage an intervention.”

“That explains it,” he said. “She, uh, she doesn’t have the full story.”

“You know that sex with youkai turns people into youkai, right?” I asked.

“Of course I know about that!” said Arnold.

I pulled the extra box of condoms out of my bag. “Patchouli told me to give these to you.”

He laughed. “I have some already. Kourindou gives them away at half price, you know?”

“I’d heard something like that,” I said with a frown. Patchouli had said they were free to any youkai. “Do you know about the mouthwash thing?”

“Alcohol works for that too,” he said.

“Then I am so confused right now,” I said. “Why are you turning into a youkai if you are taking precautions?”

“I don’t think sex is the problem,” he said.

“But you are having it.”

“It’s–ugh, it’s complicated. You’re going to be grossed out and unable to look at me the same way after I tell you. I just know it.”

“Try me,” I said. He did, and he was right.

—

Arnold went on the second expedition. He was giving an impromptu talk on the nature of flight. Nazrin seemed a bit chagrined to not be able to freely announce things herself, but she grumbled and let him speak.

“Wings take a lot of getting used to,” he said. “They’re sensitive, but also kind of numb. It’s hard to notice when you’re overworking them. I found that three sets of ten leaps was the best training. They aren’t like real muscles; they recover faster than you’d think, so you can practice two or three times a day without much issue.”

“I just flew as much as possible,” I said to Sasha, who was sitting next to me. She nodded.

“The hard part is figuring out how much to push for maximum improvement. I didn’t have a stop-watch, so I just used flight distance as my measurement and tried not to rush too much, lest I hurt myself.”

Patchouli glanced at me, and I felt the inexplicable desire to apologize for something.

“Question,” said a martial artist. Patchouli nodded, and Nazrin gestured at him to continue. “Is there a proper form for flying?” The librarian relayed the query to Arnold.

“Nothing definitive, but I did ask around. At first nobody could tell me the proper form, so I had to try things out for myself. These little wings basically don’t move at all, and flapping them doesn’t help. I noticed things about posture and angle, though. Having your arms up is just tiring. Leaning forward about three or four inches seemed best… I figured out that I could fly for eight or nine seconds like that, but less if I lean too much and a lot less if I don't lean enough. Speed seemed to make a difference, too, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.”

Wiki was scribbling notes. I pulled out my pen. It seemed like Arnold had been more systematic than “fly constantly until you get ‘gud” and I felt myself frowning. I should have done the same.

“The breakthrough was when I finally convinced a fairy to tell me, and she said you should lean about twice as much as you do while running!” He laughed. “That was after she stopped trying to convince me that I should fly upside down.”

“I wonder if he actually tested it,” said Wiki. “Going upside-down, I mean. The real optimal function might be strange indeed.”

“I wonder if flight is different for everyone,” said Sasha.

“Do you think we could get Rick to build a wind tunnel?” asked Wiki suddenly.

“If I could walk at thirty miles per hour, I guess I’d lean about ten degrees, since twenty degrees feels best while flying.” He tumbled forward, demonstrating the various angles, and I noticed that his speed seemed to smoothly change with the angle. “Any other questions?”

There were a few. As others raised their hands, I wrote more of Arnold’s observations down.

“I’ve been leaning way too much,” I said. I was surprised at how deliberate Arnold could be when he wanted; his activities with Yuyuko proved as much. “We should have asked him about this before!”

“Knowing the right question is hard,” said Maribel.

“I want wings,” said Renko. “It looks like a lot of fun.”

“You’ll have to make blood donations,” said Sasha. “The markup is criminal.”

“The Scarlet Devil Mansion doesn’t want too much blood all at once,” said Wiki, “so it’s a way to sort people by who wants wings the most. The market is good at sorting people like that.”

“Just use a schedule!” she retorted. “Also, it occurs to me that the camera angle is pretty low. Good thing I wear fucking pants.” Wiki said something about it not being a camera. They continued to argue.

Arnold continued to fly. He shot pink danmaku into a crevice to draw out a fairy. I recognized her. She attacked from behind, if one didn’t preemptively strike her on the way, although her hiding place changed every time.

“This fairy is shy,” he said. “She doesn’t know how to ask for a battle.”

“I thought she was just a sneaky bitch,” said Sasha.

“These explanations are not mutually exclusive,” said Wiki. I was enjoying their banter almost as much as the livestream.

Arnold continued his expedition. He defeated Parsee and Yamame, sending them back to the village to run more power lines.Then he rested for a few minutes at the entrance to the Old Capital.

A hush fell over the crowd as he was attacked by oni. I had the thought that most of them probably had back problems.

“Okay,” said one of the observers from the day before. “These oni really are dangerous.”

“Why, because one of them might accidentally smother you?” asked Sasha.

“At least I’d die happy,” he responded with a smile. She turned away, a tight frown on her face.

“By the way, did you and Arnold have an important discussion recently?” Sasha asked me, while everyone was distracted.

“We did,” I said. “I think he’s got it under control.”

I was going to have to have a discussion with him, though. He wanted to continue his liaisons with Yuyuko if possible, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought he should just precommit to stopping.

“Good,” she said. “That’s a relief. We’ll get him cleansed tomorrow. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.”