We sat around the fire, the crackling and sizzling as human bodies turned into a blackened pile meant little to me. I just stared into the crimson of the flames.

Mark finally asked

“So, how was it?”

“I don’t know, when I killed them, I just felt like I shouldn’t be doing it, but now I don’t feel anything.”

“Well, you are right, you shouldn’t have been doing it. However, history often repeats itself. It was far before my time, but the last war the empire had sucked it dry. There is going to be war, I have seen how easily something disappears when it shows weakness, the empire is in that state. You, as the ONLY recognised child of your household will have to join it. whether you are sent to lead the barony’s non-existent troops or as tribute to serve under a higher lord I don’t know, but it will happen.

Mr cedar who was stoking the flame with a rusty sword complained.

“Well, that’s rather dark don’t you think? Though my lady, it is the truth. Me and Mark will be exempt from such as we are old, there are a few other reasons but soldiers who have passed their prime aren’t that desirable.”

The words “past their prime” didn’t make sense to me. the two old men were unfathomable levels of strong compared to me. I wasn’t going to get anywhere by thinking about it so I asked.

“If you are this strong now, how strong would you guys have been in your prime?”

Mark answered this with another question while raising an eyebrow.

“For our positions, or in general?”

I chose the simplest answer

“both”

This elicited a chuckle out of the both of them, but Mark was still the one to answer.

“for my position I am rather average, for the aid of a baron with only one manor Mark is far above average however.”

Mr Cedar took over to after this.

“in general we are both within a few hundred thousand at our level in the empire.”

That number fucking baffled me, but the empire was massive and from marks words EVERY baron had someone at his level or similar.

The two old men left me to simmer in my bafflement as they carried on tending to the fire. They were rather calm, but so was I. I guess their calmness was to be expected, mine was the outlier.

I think it was because I had accepted murder as just something that needed to happen. The better part of my mind knew it wasn’t but then again, when have I cared about morals? I did at some point, but not now.

Why not now? I didn’t know the answer to that, but I just felt like it would be best to put it off for later. Too many things to think about, and too little time.

Contrary to my reasoning I just stared blankly into the flame after that. My mind was empty, just watching the dance of flames mixing with the wood and charring remains.

Last night we had slept in the empty burrows left by those we killed. I didn’t sleep well, but that was normal for me. after that we woke and covered our traces.

We set out for the next camp, and we found it pretty quickly. Mark and Mr Cedar seemed to know far more than I did, but I didn’t question. Confirmation came far earlier than before this time, as soon as we got there, we saw them cutting up someone.

We didn’t act immediately though. It was daytime and we stood out among the trees. Although the foliage gave cover, it was far from enough.

None of us however wished to wait for nightfall. Mark and Mr cedar discussed options while I just sat there staring at them. compared to grey on their heads I was far too inexperienced for their discussion, but it wasn’t as if they were putting a great deal of thought into it either.

Mark seemed to be the one leading the conversation.

“We should split up, they aren’t that strong but there are a lot of them. if we all get stuck in one place it is going to take forever.”

“I don’t suppose this is one of the two with the strong guys?”

“No, that is still two days from here.”

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“If we split up, we need someone to be close enough to the boss.”

“I will head over to the other side; you can stick near her if you want.”

“Good idea, if you get caught up you can just bowl through them.”

“You should be fast enough to get your ass out of there, or to the young lady’s side as well.”

The two turned their heads to me, almost in unison.

“I heard, so where do I go.”

Mr Cedar gave his uncontested opinion.

“You see those barrels over there?”

“The only barrels in the entire camp? No, I don’t”

“Well too bad, you are going to set up behind the non-existent barrels and we begin at marks signal.”

“What will the signal look like?”

“Probably like he is going to take a massive shit, well massive might be an understatement.”

Mr Cedar somehow managed to say that without getting smacked. It was only then that I realised Mark wasn’t there to slap him, he was gone already somehow. Mr Cedar seemed to notice where I was looking and reassured me with mild success.

“Don’t worry, he should give us a few minutes to set up… probably.”

I nodded my head and set out for the barrels.

Once I got there, I took out my dagger, I had returned Mark’s to him but mine should be fine. I then reached down to make sure I could get to my sword before just pulling it out. It wasn’t nighttime I would have a better time fighting with a sword than a dagger if I got caught.

It took a while, but soon the signal arrived.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH”

Fucking hell did Mr Cedar understate how loud that would be. If that was him taking a shit it must be a fucking tree.

The shock of his shout stunned me for a moment but after that I looked out from behind the barrels and found a target. The man’s frail body was barely covered by a few stained white rags.

I tensed my legs and launched, in what felt like only three steps I arrived behind him and my blade sliced through his neck. My blade had gone smoothly in but I hit bone, probably his spine. Luckily, I had enough force to shatter it and he fell to the ground. He couldn’t scram, only gargle as the rest of his body refused to follow his commands.

I gave the man no mercy and looked to my next target. They were wearing the most clothes of anyone else I had seen, and they had their back turned to me. they were rushing off in the direction of Mark’s shout much like the rest of the camp.

I raced up behind him and struck my sword at the back of their neck. This time my cut went much further in slicing through almost all of the spine. Despite not getting all the way through, it seemed to be enough, and they fell to the ground.

I repeated the process again, finding a target and slashing their neck. On the fifth target I got sloppy, my blade missed their spine. Instead of pulling it out and trying again I punched them in the back of the head. The force freed my blade and brought them to the floor.

The man was squirming too much, so I used my foot to hold him still as I thrust the sword down into his neck. The feeling was visceral, horrible even. The crack of the bone followed by the stillness filled me with something.

The more I did it the more I realised how horrible it was.

Luckily the two old men had finished off all the others and we had a chance to rest.

Mr cedar came over and patted me on the head.

“Good job kiddo”

His voice was quieter than usual, it was sincere, remorseful, it, it. I wanted to cry, the tears welled up in my eyes, but they didn’t flow. The pain in my throat and the tightness in my chest held my voice prisoner. All I could do was give a subtle nod.

We spent the rest of that day sitting idly, cleaning up, burning the bodies. I didn’t know why, but Mark and Mr Cedar seemed to notice something, something about me.

We then set up camp. Unlike the night before we didn’t sleep in their burrows but our own. It didn’t give much more comfort but at the same time it did.

That night I dreamt. A darkness, but not a comforting darkness, a stifling darkness. In that darkness I found myself, I was not me, but merely eyes looking on.

It was more like a nightmare, but in that void where I couldn’t scream, I found the courage to scream. It felt weird, but I woke, my teeth thoroughly imbedded in my lips.

My eyes felt like they were burning, and I rose to my feet. I walked without direction but ended up in the middle of the ruined camp. There I stood, there I raised my head and opened my mouth.

I probably looked like and idiot, but I stood there with my mouth open, just breathing until I let it out. A scream, it wasn’t loud and proud like mark’s, in fact it was rather raspy and weak.

Even after the first one left my mouth I continued, I did so again and again until I realised, I was beating the ground with my fist. After that I had no energy left to be sad, angry or whatever I had felt.

Mr cedar spoke, O didn’t know he was behind me, but I didn’t have the energy to be spooked.

“that’s a good reaction I suppose, Mark might be happy. Before you say anything though, it’s good because it’s bad. It means that you know killing is bad, it took a while, but your mind eventually just shat itself due to the conflict. Some men I know never think killing is bad, they join the guards or the knights and just do it. it isn’t that bad, but it isn’t that good either. I apologise child, but your suffering gives us hope.”

I understood jack shit of what Mr Cedar said, but he held out a pouch of water. I took it and drank from it. when I had finished Mr Cedar started again.

“haha, well I guess now that your mind has established how shit killing feels you have to change that. A bit weird but you self-destructing in the middle of a war would be kind of counterproductive now, wouldn’t it?”

I gave a sad excuse of a chuckle in response. Mr Cedar made serious words seem somehow light. It might have been my mind playing tricks on me, but tears welled inside my minds again. I now realised that sadness although an emotion, is not all that great. In my optimism I latched onto it, striving to feel more than nothing.

But I have found other emotions, it is best not to be sad anymore.

With wet eyes I forced a smile and looked towards Mr Cedar. something cracked, I didn’t know what it was, but the sound knocked the wind out of Mr Cedar. pain soon hit my chest, but it didn’t feel like it affected any organ I knew of. Heat soon followed, an unbearable heat that spread through every vein.

As I gradually lost strength Mr Cedar exclaimed.

“MARK! Did you plan this? A child should NOT be going through an awakening.”

Mark’s voice echoed in my mind as I lost consciousness, it was far, but also near, I couldn’t tell where it came from.

“It is not an awakening, far from it actually, the child has broken a limit.”

Mr Cedar said something more, but I couldn’t make anything of it, all feeling just disappeared.