I sat in my room with sore muscles. I had exhausted what little I had in the tank, but I knew that if I stopped, I wouldn’t start. I needed to keep running, to Chugg along even if it were slow.

I threw my head back into my pillow and bounced off the bed. Oly when true exhaustion beat the sleep into me would I stop.

I ventured downstairs and wanted to summon a maid. But I knew better.

My next stop was a locked room, to which I had the key. The room was merely filled with sowing materials, but any room used for storage was under lock and key. It was especially true when the stored materials were barely used and easily vaporised.

Instead of taking the boxes back to my room I set some of them up on a table. I knew nothing of what I was doing but I felt that I would get somewhere if I stumbled around enough. I even had some examples to reverse engineer.

As I sat there fumbling to do anything more complex than a few twisted strings, I failed. I got bored, the task at hand had become just something to do. I had no determination, no motivation. The emotions that I had once savoured now felt foreign, like I was empty.

In this emptiness I was reminded of it, there was a price, and it must be paid. That phrase always came in my mind with another strong of words. “The world is not so kind”.

I continued fumbling with the strings; I couldn’t be bothered returning to my room. I lacked both the energy to escape and the energy to remember where I had put the key.

It was only when the smell of dinner swept through the annex. That smell brought with it instructions for my body, it found the key and released itself. My legs brought me to the dinning room where I waited.

Once the steak and salad arrived my arms fed my mouth. My stomach thanked my arms for the sustenance, but none of it felt like ME. I was not in control, I did not feel, I merely did. I wanted to feel, but pain was too fickle for me.

Maybe if I had been born into a wealthy family then I could feel the joy of good food. If I had the freedom to drown myself in booze. If I, if I, if I. using if I annoyed me, I was ME I could not change it. the feeling was less than fine, I detested the word. Someone who is fine is not fine, they are never fine. Fine was just the lie I told myself, the lie too blatant to be true.

Once my arms had finished shovelling the tree bark and leaves into my stomach my legs rose once more. The two pegs brought me to my room, was it really my room? my thoughts were dangerous, this place was no home, and if it was not mine… then what?

I didn’t care to answer myself, fear, no, not fear. My throat felt sore, like I was swallowing hard but never stopping. The gritty feeling haunted me as I wondered why I couldn’t just cry. I knew I could, but my eyes didn’t want to.

I looked at the broken mirror and decided to move my bedding back under my bed. It had been a waste of effort making my bed in the first place. Glass was expensive and we needed a lot of it, I wondered if there was even anyone making glass anymore.

The rest of the empire was probably fucked. The only way I would get information about outside the territory was from merchants. Mother was far to occupied with the beauty of the manor to consider that we might lose it if the empire truly fell. There was a worst-case scenario where she defects, and they accept her. I knew that if such a thing were to happen the barony would be hers, and I would be alone. I didn’t care much about the emperor, but his existence was my only source of power.

I closed my eyes. I wanted to just rest them for a second, but my thoughts soon cleared out. Sleep was the only thing I enjoyed, it was consistent. Whenever I slept, I felt refreshed, relaxed and calm. The longer I went without sleep the worse I felt. I wanted to sleep forever, but that scared me, death scared me, it was the only fear that I... would admit.

I had so many emotions hidden beneath layers of rust. when my heart slows, I feel hints of them but they never last, never.

***

The morning was filled with the normal hustle and bustle. Apart from structural damage nothing much else happened to most of the manor. Life must go on, and so she rolls. The world does not care even if hundreds die, there will always be things to do.

I rolled out from under my bed and was greeted by a ball of raggedy hair in the mirror. After forcing the hair monster to be presentable I followed my usual routine.

It was only when I reached the remnants of the fountain that I went into town again. It was a lot of effort, and I went down to the shed again. I picked upon the cloak and money, but before I left, I searched. It didn’t take long for me to find what I needed, and I was on my way.

Since the manor staff had calmed down it felt easier to escape. I was getting cocky, it was merely my second trip out but I was getting cocky.

I bite into my arm, my canines piercing the soft skin. I pushed the fabric of the cloak onto the holes and hoped there weren’t any beasts that could track me. Although the downsides were obvious, pain was both my greatest distracting agent and what I used to remember.

***

I reached the town a little earlier than I did before and took my time to read the signboard. “Cliffsin” the town was probably named after a local legend. A mythical beast went against the rules given by its God and threw its child off a cliff. There wasn’t much more to the legend, the young mythical beast survived the fall but was hunted for its blood.

It would have been normal to assume that the beast was the sinner, but would those that hunt the divine not be the true sinners?

I entered the bar again and the man gave me a warm welcome.

“Ahh, wee ssh is here again. It’s good that you are putting in some effort.”

He was most definitely poking fun at my name, but I knew what I did when I wrote it down.

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Before he could say anything more, I pointed to my waist. There was now a belt on around my cloak and a sword hung from it. I popped a thumbs up at the man after pointing out the presence of my sword and he seemed to chuckle.

“then do you want to use it today?”

I shook my head at him, I was quite content with more labor jobs.

“you sure, it should be safe and it might be fun.”

I tilted my head to show interest. The man was selling it far harder than I expected him too, which was not very.

“You getta go chase after some Funsks, they have been running amok and someone wants their bones.”

I realised that “fun” was merely a pun, but it did seem interesting. Funsks were harmless brown and fluffy, though their meat was disgusting. I slowly nodded my head to show my apprehension and that somehow made him erupt.

The laughter filled the room, and he chucked me the job ticket.

“Remember it’s the bones you need to get, don’t hit them too hard.”

I left the room, I had no idea why he found me so funny, but it weirded me out. My name was the only thing I had intended others to laugh at. I had no idea what was funny about my silence.

***

It was only once I had reached deep into the woods that I realised how dumb I was. I had no idea where the Funsks inhabited, nor If they would butcher it. I took out the job ticket and looked over it. luckily enough all the information was present, I would have to get my hands dirty, but I had a destination.

It took a while, but I trudged back through town and headed east. It didn’t take long, and I discovered what felt like hundreds of the fluffy creatures. There were only ten, but they didn’t move in packs, Funsks were solitary creatures.

I was ill equipped for the task; a bow would have been much better. But I wasn’t that good with one. I was already focusing on learning two weapons and couldn’t fit a third.

I drew my sword and threw it at one of the Funsks. I had expected the heavy metal blade to either miss or pierce right through. It did neither. The blade was now lodged halfway through a Funsk that was pinned down by the added weight. There were too many things I didn’t know about, too many variables that sought freedom. I placed my foot on the creature and pulled out my blade. It squirmed and scurried but could not escape.

The futility of the creature’s actions begged pity, but I had none. It was human nature to kill and pillage, if not themselves then other species. I was a human, or at least that was what I told myself from time to time.

I looked around to see nothing but trees and the damp forest floor. I didn’t care, I would find them soon enough.

Instead of carrying the extra meat I turned my sword around in the Funsk and tried to separate the meat from bone. My efforts failed and I decided to just rip it apart. Quite a bit of the Funsk’s meat was stubborn, slivers sticking to the tiny bones.

My sword was too unwieldy for the delicate task of butchering. Even though my skills were lacking I could still tell that a sword was not ideal. I needed a smaller knife, not even a butcher’s knife, just a dagger would do.

I was sure that there would be a dagger in father’s shed somewhere. Even if father had never put one in there. father was not the first baron to use the shed. I knew that at least my great grandfather had been using the space, but it was definitely constructed before his time.

Before I moved on, I began to doubt. I had access to tools that I could sell, why didn’t I? why did I decide to start working as a mercenary? I knew that I would never come close to the money from taxes that mother would have access to. No, I had a plan, I am sure that I was wiser yesterday... somehow.

All I have to do is follow the plan and everything would be fine. I didn’t need to assure myself much after that, I no longer cared. I just did and did. My sewing skills inched closer to decency while the small trickle of currency from the mercenary work sat unused.

Days passed and I now looked like a competent mercenary. Every day the damn bartender had given me a different task until I came prepared for anything. He would surely take one look at the myriad of pouches and knifes on my belt and come up with the perfect job. And by perfect it referred to the single job I was ill-prepared for.

When I opened the door, I saw a petite woman manning the bar. The old man surely didn’t work every day, but I didn’t know how to approach her.

After a few moments of standing like an idiot I walked in. no one seemed to care about me, I was just another weirdo in the place of weirdos.

I did a little wave to the girl and she quickly noticed me.

“Ahhh, Shh, is it? Mr Hildegard mentioned you.”

The bright smile of the woman was overshadowed by my thoughts. I had never gotten his name, but he was called Mr Hildegard, good to know. Once I had finished taking a mental note, I gently nodded to her.

“Well, you sure are a special wee one. I got a job right here for you.”

The way she spoke down to me was similar to Mr Hildegard, possibly a student... or a child? I accepted the ticket she offered without much thought. Since I was already in the mood to think I looked over the parchment carefully. There were indents from pen marks all throughout the piece.

They must have recycled the parchment.

Looking closer at the job itself I noted the location was Southhill. The task was to lower the wolf population. I knew that south hill was in a gully to the north, but I never thought they would ask for help with wolves. Last, I had heard they had a pretty good guild of their own.

Without a further word to the woman, I left.

Half of the job of a mercenary seemed to be walking and miscellaneous tasks. There was no war nor bandits… yet. Everything seemed pretty safe. By the time I had arrived at Southill the sun was nearing its apex. I didn’t have time to waste.

I headed into the woods. Every time the woods, it felt like I was more a hunter than mercenary. But that was also fitting for a mercenary, a sword for hire no matter the task. Of course there were those with morals, but for the right price anything could be bought.

When I came across the first of the angry grey creatures, I was weary. Then I realised how weak they were. the pack was small, but even so it was too big. Far too much of their food had run away, scattered in the storm. In place of the bigger creatures the smaller had taken over. But animals like Funsks are too hard to catch to sustain a functioning ecosystem.

I walked towards the pack and swung my sword at the weakest of the bunch. The others tried to bite and claw at me, and they succeeded. The thick cloth of my cloak had several heads latched to it that dripped red. When I was satisfied, I moved on to search for another pack.

It didn’t take long, and I soon returned to Southill covered in severed heads and claw marks. The wolf’s jaw muscles didn’t let go even so long after they died, they were not the common northern wolf. They were wolves from the west that were descended from the south. If I ever came across a southern wolf pack, I may have to give up on living. I liked living, some sick part of me preferred a beating heart. No matter how many times I tried to change it I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had lived too long to die too early.

I lived, but I also did not live. My body functioned yet my mind failed me. It failed to feel, to control, to act. Useless, such thoughts were.

I easily found the local guild from the path cleared by the locals. There was only one thing more horrifying than a strong person, and that was a crazy one.

I collected the seven silver and left. The wolf heads were slowly coming loose so I had to get rid of them. It was then that I discovered that mercenaries out of war were truly just hunters. The guild paid for the materials of the game hunted; I cared little for it but it was another neat way to earn some coin.

For the wolf heads I managed to get twelve irons. 36 silvers made up a gold coin and 24 iron made up a silver. Anything that could not be bought with gold was bartered for, generally through the trade of jewels. I knew that I would never be so rich as to use anything but coins. Even if I got the barony off mother, it was still a dream, a useless dream. I wished not for wealth, money was merely a means to an end, and it always has been.

My walk back to the manor was filled with more useless thoughts that I quickly discarded. I knew I had a plan, but I didn’t even remember what that plan was.