“So, Michaela, we’ve met your dad a lot,” Harley said. “What’s your mom like?”

“Is now really the time?”

“What else do we have to do?”

“Deploy a bomb?”

Not a literal bomb, despite Michaela’s best efforts. She and Harley were camped out on the roof of the dining hall, waiting to deploy a “stink bomb” on Vell and Skye’s dinner date. In reality, the capsule Michaela was clinging to was full of almost entirely odorless, non-harmful chemicals. It wasn’t even hard enough to hurt someone if it got dropped on their head.

“They’re not even here yet,” Harley said. The dating duo had yet to arrive. “Come on. What’s your mom like?”

“She’s cool.”

“Just...cool?”

Since trying a preachy approach had failed, Harley was now going for some backdoor therapy. If Michaela’s issues had started with her parents, perhaps they could end there as well.

“Yeah. My mom is cool. Are you jealous?”

“No, my mom is way cooler than your mom,” Harley said. “Same goes for dads. And I’ll fight you on that.”

“Then you better get ready to fight,” Michaela said. Harley actually chuckled at that.

“So you like your dad too? No offense, it just seems like you two get snippy with each other a lot,” Harley said.

“Yeah, around you guys,” Michaela said. “Having people around who constantly ruin everything you’re working on tends to ruin the mood.”

“Oh.”

“When you guys aren’t around we get along just fine,” Michaela said. “Except for when he wants me to take a test or do my classwork. Like, I’m his daughter, can’t he just give me the answers?”

Harley rolled her eyes. She’d been inches away from actually emotionally connecting with Michaela for a moment.

“Is your skinny friend here yet?”

“Lee will give us the signal when they get here,” Harley said. “We still have time to kill. You got anything you want to talk about?”

“Yeah. Are we going to have sex?”

“No, Michaela.”

“Really? Then why are we up here all alone?”

“For starts, we’re not alone, there are literally three other people on the other side of the roof,” Harley said. The roof of the dining hall was technically public access, though the inconvenience of accessing it meant that the only other occupants were three meteorology students collecting readings. “And secondly, I just want to talk to you. Actually get to know you. We’ve seen each other like every week for four years and we don’t know anything about each other except that we piss each other off!”

“So?”

“So don’t you think there should be some kind of actual human connection, or something,” Harley said. “Come on. Don’t you want to find something you like about me beyond the fact you want to fuck me?”

“Not really, no,” Michaela said. “I already don’t like you, why would I try to like someone I don’t like?”

“To be a good person?”

“I’m already the best person I know,” Michaela said. “Feels like you really want me to waste my time.”

Harley bit her tongue. This was clearly going in circles.

“Alright, whatever,” Harley said. “What was your favorite movie when you were a kid?”

“The Lion King.”

“Oh, really? Nice choice.”

“Yeah, I was always very mature for my age,” Michaela said. “Most other kids didn’t get the tragedy.”

“No, it’s pretty obvious, I think.”

“Well when we watched it in class, all the other kids seemed really happy when that little brat showed up and ruined all of Scar’s hard work,” Michaela said. “Kid fucks off to eat bugs for years while Scar does all the hard work of ruling, and then he gets to come back and take over just because he was born special? Pff. Monarchists.”

Harley took a very deep breath and closed her eyes, and tried not to think of Michaela getting trampled by wildebeest.

----------------------------------------

“Okay, third time’s the charm,” Harley said. “Or a reasonable excuse to give up. I’ll be honest, I am not going to be able to keep up this routine for long.”

“You already deserve a medal for putting up with her this long,” Himiko said. Her, Kanya, and Sarah had assembled to help with Harley’s third and final plan, as it involved their shared specialty: robotics. Harley’s newest project, the Crushbot, was coming together nicely thanks to their shared efforts. In spite of the name, it had absolutely zero crushing power, though the massive claw looked imposing enough to trick an idiot like Michaela into thinking it did.

“Alright, get it hooked up and get it moving,” Harley commanded. “Then get out of here. For this to work it’s got to be just Michaela on the spot.”

For one last test of Michaela’s inherent goodness, if she had any, Harley was going to stage a fake danger to herself and see if Michaela intervened. Everything else Harley had tried so far had been fairly low-stakes, so she hoped the feigned danger might awaken some deeper instinct towards goodness in Michaela. Or it would prove Michaela was beyond helping and give Harley an excuse to cut her losses and run. Either way, Harley won.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“I know we’ve already built the robot and everything, but are you sure you want to do this?” Kanya asked. She’d asked before and during the construction of the robot as well, but she still unsure herself. “This feels like a lot of trouble to go to for one of the worst people we know.”

“If there is a point to be proved from this, it is unseen by me,” Sarah said.

“It’s about principles,” Harley said. “I think. Lee?”

Lee, who was entirely useless with robots and had therefore been reading a book up until the point, looked up from the pages and gave a slight hum of acknowledgment.

“You’re smarter than me, explain why I’m doing this.”

“Ah. You’re doing it because last year you endangered our friendship by refusing to forgive Joan,” Lee said. ‘This is all some convoluted attempt to prove to me, and yourself, that you’ve changed as a person.”

All three of Harley’s robotics buddies turned to look at her as her jaw dropped.

“Christ, lady,” Harley said. “Is this what it feels like when I psychoanalyze you?”

“I assume,” Lee said. “For what it’s worth, I believe it’s working.”

“Well, I certainly can’t back down now,” Harley said. “Is the robot working?”

“Yep,” Himiko said. She demonstrated its fake crushing power, to Harley’s approval.

“Then get the fuck out of here,” Harley said, shooing all her friends away. Everyone else in the room happily left, as staying would mean dealing with Michaela, and let Harley take over the robots controls.

She appraised the entire device, scrutinized its design, and decided to add a few finishing touches to the robot. For starters, an incredibly large, obvious power cable, as well as a giant off switch, and a glowing red weak point like a video game boss. She had no doubt Michaela would ever endanger herself to help someone else, but she might intervene if saving the day was incredibly, obviously easy. She got in place and called in Michaela, and made the robot do a few practice squeezes just to be sure it worked. It passed muster, and Harley waited out the few minutes it took for Michaela to show up.

As soon as Harley heard the door start to open, she turned on the Crushatron and feigned some screaming. Thanks to her lifestyle she knew what an authentic scream of pain sounded like and could fake one on demand. Thanks to the worryingly authentic scream, Michaela did not step through the door, and instead peeked around the corner cautiously.

“Michaela, thank god,” Harley said. Her feigned relief to see Michaela sounded much more fake than the scream. She knew what pain felt like, she did not know what it felt like to be happy to see Michaela Watkins. “The robot went crazy, it’s trying to kill me!”

Michaela took a step forward, looked at the robot that was pretending to crush Harley, and her eyes bounced between the fake power cable, the giant off switch, and the massive, glowing vulnerability in its back.

“Okay, bye,” Michaela said. “When you die I’ll tell Vell it was Skye’s fault.”

With a quick wave, Michaela left the room, leaving Harley alone with the robot that was presumably crushing her to death.

“Oh you absolute bitch,” Harley muttered. She shut down the robot, slammed the remote on the ground, and stormed out after Michaela. “Michaela, you asshole!”

“What? You’re not dead?” Michaela said, as she turned around. “Great, now we have to come up with a new plan.”

“That’s your priority right now? That you can’t use my death as an excuse to sabotage Vell and Skye?”

“It’s the whole reason we’re here, isn’t it?”

Harley clenched her fists and stomped her foot a few times, trying to express the boiling rage in her chest in a way other than punching Michaela in the face.

“No, we’re here because I was stupid enough to try and see if you were a good person,” Harley said. “And I was wrong. You’re a fucked up, idiotic, violent, selfish person, and there is nothing good about you!”

Michaela bore the torrent of abuse completely impassively, and shrugged.

“Okay.”

“‘Okay’? Is that it? You’re a completely irredeemable human being and the only thing you have to say for yourself is ‘okay’?”

“Harley. I don’t like you. I don’t care what you think of me.”

Harley’s fist clenched so tight her knuckles popped, and she held her breath for a few seconds. Then, with one final, massive sigh, she let all the anger flow right out of her body, and she deflated.

“Well, there’s your one virtue,” Harley said. “Knowing how to not give a fuck about people. Screw you, Michaela.”

Harley turned her back and started walking away, towards better sights and better people.

“I’d say I hope I never see you again, but I know I’ll have to stop your dumb ass from blowing up the world next week,” Harley said. “And fuck you in advance for that!”

Extending one middle finger in the air behind her, Harley turned the corner and stormed out of sight.

----------------------------------------

Harley had stormed her way right back to Lee’s dorm to announce that they were officially done. Sensing her rage, Lee had done the sensible thing and bought some ice cream, then called in Vell and Skye to officially wrap up the proceedings. Lee explained things while Harley barreled through a bowl of ice cream, steaming all the while.

“Sorry for not telling you,” Lee said. “We assumed it would only be more disruptive. And we also assumed it would be slightly more entertaining.”

“The mascot thing was kind of funny,” Vell said.

“And it would’ve been kind of hard to enjoy a date knowing those losers were lurking around,” Skye said. “The stuff the other guys have been doing is bad enough already.”

“They used that voice AI stuff to make a fake recording of me saying I eat puppies,” Vell said.

“Well, at least it’s not physically harmful,” Lee said.

“It lacks imagination, too,” Skye said. “You got any recommendations, Harley?”

She didn’t answer, not because she was lacking in clever schemes, but because she was busy pouting. They waited for a moment, for Harley’s trademark smile to return, but it did not.

“Harley, darling, are you alright?”

“No,” Harley said. “I feel like a moron.”

“Come on, you wasted a couple hours,” Vell said. “Even spent with Michaela, that’s not so bad.”

“It’s not the time, it’s the effort, and that I- that it didn’t work,” Harley mumbled. She crossed her arms and stewed in her emotions for a second. “I kind of wanted it to work.”

“You actually care about Michaela?”

“No, but I could’ve! Maybe,” Harley said. “I mean, Joan sucked, and then you guys made her not suck, and now she’s cool, and...I don’t know. Maybe I could’ve done that for Michaela.”

“With all due respect, probably not,” Lee said. She casually ate her ice cream, not at all bothered by the same moral dilemma that troubled Harley.

“And even if you could,” Vell said. “How much trouble are you willing to put up with to get there?”

“I don’t know, a lot? Isn’t that what being a good person is about? Trying to help everyone?”

“Everyone is a strong word,” Skye said. “Maybe just most people.”

Vell put aside his ice cream for a second and elaborated on the point.

“Everyone can be saved, but you can’t save everyone,” Vell said. “Sometimes it’s not the right time, or you’re not the right person, or, I don’t know, any number of other things. You’re not obligated to try and save everyone you meet.”

“Especially not when you’re putting yourself at risk to try and do so,” Lee said. “And with Michaela, that threat is ever-present.”

“So...I’m morally in the clear for completely writing off Michaela?”

“Yes, dear,” Lee said. “Now have some more ice cream.”

She’d bought Harley’s favorite flavor, which Lee liked much less, and she was not about to let all that ice cream go to waste.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Harley said. It was much easier to enjoy a full stomach with a clear conscience.