"You gotta be kidding me" - is what i though, as my entrails flushed out of my belly and covered the floor in a mixture of weird, smelly bodly fluids and cyan-colored glitter.

There was no pain, however. Contrary to what some may think, having your neck and hips cut horizontaly, just to have your torso then cut sideways before the whole thing falls apart is just as painless as getting a haircut.

Because all of your nerves overload at once, so they just give up their jobs.

Easy as that. When something is overloaded with work, be it a person or a thing, it will stop working and just let hell runs loose.

That´s what happens when someone cuts you in a "Z". Too much work. Your nerves are lazy, so they give up.

"You die painless motherfucker, like i even care" - is what they secretly say to you as you die.

Oh, i forgot to introduce myself.

You can call me dumbshit.

Yeah, dumbshit.

Because only a total dumbshit would try to grind his dick against Zorro´s but.

But i did it.

I sexualy harassed Zorro.

Not a guy dressed as Zorro, mind you.

The real deal. But i never though he would kill me. I guess this world is indeed too different from what TV and general media told me.

Where am i ?

Well.... it all started a few days ago.

There i was, sitting in my luxurious yach, two hot woman giving me quite a lot of pleasure, the sun gently stroking my hair.

My body was perfect, and, even being a 75-yrs-old white cis alpha male at the time, it was just fiiiiine.

Because of modern medicine.

It was able to stop and revert aging. It was able to cure almost all diseases, except a few ugly ones like ebola or common flu.

Oh, yes, sorry, you guys may not understand it.

It was triclosan. It´s a common bactericide people used to put on soap. It killed the weak bacteria of the world, and then the uber-resistant ones took over. No antibiotic worked anymore. Humany was brought to the brink of extinction, and for a few centuries it was stone age all over again.

But that started reversing as soon as the last human died. With that, the "agreement of pain and endless torment to the human races" was ended, and the angelic and demonic tribes finaly stoped making it so we would suffer.

Ah ?

Why would the angels whant us to suffer ?

Oh, that´s because god made it so only humans amongst the Higher Life Forms of Earth (the Humans, the Demons and the Angels) could enjoy sex.

So they got pissed out because of discrimination and worked diligently for over 2.000.000 years to destroy all of humanity. They almost failed when God´s bastard son was born from a human concubine named Marie, but they managed to create a religion and twist the whole thing in their favour.

Anyway, where was i ?

Right, i´m dying for dick-poking Zorro´s but.

That happened because Zorro (the real deal) actualy kills people.

And i´m able to meet him because i am in a paralell world.

But this isn´t the "comics, tv and internet world".

So i am explaining what it is.

Very well, as i was saying, the whole Human Race was almost wipped out at the six second of the six minute of the six hour of the six day of the six month of the year 6.667.

Yeah, one year afther 6:06 of 6/6/6.666. The bible teorists where very disappointed.

Oh, but wait, i´m not using the Roman calendar to calculate the date. This is an older calendary.

On the calendary you guys use it would be maybe the 10th of January of..... let´s see... 2035 ? I think it is.

Anyway. Humanity was almost wipped out because of superbacteria and global warming.

Then a few centuries later, the last human died at the age of five, around two days afther his mother died. Both died of starvation in an unsanitary place.

Anyway.

Afther that the whole agreement between Angels and Demons was breaken to pieces, and the two factions demanded god to give them bodies capable of doing sex.

"Since god can´t satisfy his desires with human woman now, he will certainly give us sex-abled bodies" - Is what they though.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

However, god was enfatuated at the time and decided to just die. So he died.

And the world started withering away.

At the same time, in the spirit world, the human souls congregated in big cities and lots of orgies.

No mater if it was on limbo, heaven of hell, since the sheer number of humans surpassed that of demons to billions to one, they just couldn´t be controlled.

Yeah, a single angel can wipe out a army 100.000 strong, if it is a human army.

But since there where around 2.5 billion humans for every angel and demon, it was impossible.

Impossible i say !

And this is why everything was complicated back then.

Anyway, god died and his corpse started to rot. The angels where desolated, as they felt the world was without meaning if god didn´t exist, and the demons had lost they reason to be, since all they ever wanted was to beat god up to show they where the best.

So both feel in deep depression and stoped carrying.

You remember what i said right ? Too much work will make stuff just stop working ?

Well, they emotions and minds stopped working trying to deal with god´s death, so they.... kinda like just sat in their beds and are there until this day i guess.

All the while, God´s corpse deteriorated. And then some of the humans felt the smell and, even as most of then felt disgusted by it, there´s always those who don´t.

You know. The usual ones. Necrophilics, Cannibals, Crazy Religious People who though eating the Body of God would make them into better persons. The usual.

And they started eating god´s corpse.

What happened next was almost a miracle. Those bastards actualy became demigods themselves, all high and mighty !

Then they got power-overloaded and exploded.

But the seventh or eight generation of soul-eaters, that means, the ones who ate the soul-flesh of the guys who ate the soul-flesh of the guys who ate the soul-flesh of god.... well, those managed to hold into the power.

And then humanity flourished.

We where able to return to the material plane, colonize new planets, and do all kinds of stuff.

And this is where i come in.

You see, i lived a pretty shitty life when i was human, then i had a pretty shitty aftherlife, and then i was one of the last ones to be ressurected (or "re-embodied" as people used to call it), only to work as a slave in a brothel planet.

How that works ?

Well, it was a "free use" type of planet, meaning outsiders could come and have any kind of sex they wanted with the planet´s inhabitants, and we couldn´t deny it.

As long as the outsiders paid their taxes well, they could remain there as much as they wanted.

And don´t think we had the satisfaction of seeing the foreigners turned into permanent residents due to debit or something.

The Planetary Administration and the World Government said it would be a bad example and could cause riots or misbehaviour from the slave community, so they would do something else.

If the foreigners runned out of money, they where just tossed out of the planet in a Public Transportation Interstellar Bus.

Also, since it was also a sado-maso type of brothel planet, that meant i had to suffer through daily maso-play at the hands of both male and female foreigner sadists.

It was better than living in hell, though, so i couldn´t complain. At least there where laws which dictated what the sadists could or couldn´t do to us, and how much time they could use us without stopping.

Anyway.

It all ended when i got lucky. Yeah, i got super lucky. I won the Interplanetary Superbow Loterry.

It was so much money i actualy brought myself, a private planet (adequately populated with selected people, animals and plants which suited my tastes) and lived very well for a few decades.

That´s until a week ago, of course.

Because a week ago i was forcefully taken from my little paradise.