In the centre of a football pitch, Volengi muttered curses. Within the past five minutes, he had consumed over one thousand books on the primitive sport known as football— also known as soccer— in preparation for his competition against the humans… yet they were running late.

He rose to his feet, one fist shaking in the air, one leg scooping up a football for a series of kick-ups.

“One, two, three, four…”

Already, Volengi could predict their bold, nonchalant answers as to why punctuality wasn’t of value to them. The contempt the Solarian King had for the three humans was of a rare variety. There was no respect. There was no honour. He had seen their pitiful, pathetic wins in the group stages, scraping wins in each game as if they were casual, leisure-like pleasantries.

“Fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two…”

Torture or planetary destruction wasn’t satisfactory. Not for them.

He had to obliterate them at their core.

He had to humiliate them in the game of “penalty shoot-out” just like they had humiliated him and by the end of the game, they would see the true gap in their ability. They would see that he was, of course, the closest organism to perfection. Everyone would see.

“One hundred and thirty-five, one hundred and thirty-six…”

Volengi balanced the football on his head, eyes narrowed.

The tall, mutant human stumbled out of a portal, followed by Staress, and then Leland.

“W-when’s the a-album coming out?” Leland asked. “After all the shit you’ve put me through, I deserve an answer. You know about my p-private life, but you can’t give me a simple date?”

“It’s not that simple,” Staress defended with a guilty smile. “We might not even be alive before the album can be dropped. Patience is key.”

“Not sure why you’re eager to listen to derivative music,” Cadell said, shaking his head. “You need to get your hands on a good manga.”

“T-take that b-back, washed up superhero,” Leland said.

“What did you say, rookie?” Cadell asked.

Volengi raised both eyebrows as a chocolate cake flew out of a portal.

“Redirect!”

The cake rapidly zipped between the two humans until the cake crumbled into small pieces.

“King Volengi!” Staress called from afar, jogging towards him. “How’s it going?”

Volengi scowled. “You’re late. I could have disqualified your team and invaded your planet without hesitation.”

Staress pressed her palms together. “But you didn’t! Thank you, Your Majesty. We apologise for keeping you waiting. We’ve been very busy. Actually, we can’t stay too long, so could we accelerate the game if you don’t mind?”

Volengi stared at her. The audacity of this woman. “Yes. I do mind. We must follow the rules of the tournament.”

“Must we, though?” Staress asked. “I mean, surely, as the creator and leader of the Solarian Empire, you should be able to change the rules whenever you see fit.”

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

“Silence,” Volengi said. “I’ve had enough of your rambling.”

Staress frowned. “Oh, don’t be like that. Let’s just do sudden death.”

Volengi’s ears perked up at the word death. “Each team takes one penalty at a time, and the team that scores while the other misses is declared the winner.”

“That’s it,” Staress said, smiling. “It will be more intense that way.” She paused. “Or is that too much for you?”

“Not at all,” Volengi replied quickly. “Very well. I accept…”

He teleported in front of the goal line, smacking his hands together loudly. “Shooter, come forward!”

Leland trudged forwards, carrying the football. He stopped and turned around. “W-wait, why me first?”

“The captain should go first,” Cadell said, turning a page of a comic book. “You’ll inspire us.”

“I’m the captain? Who decided that?”

“We voted for you,” Staress said.

“You w-w-weren’t even involved in the last game. Y-you should go first.”

“Excuse me?” Staress said, placing a hand on her chest in dramatic fashion. “I was the coach! I was the foundation of the team.”

“Shooter, come forward!” Volengi boomed. “Hurry up or I’ll destroy your planet right now!”

Leland slowly placed the football on the grass with a groan. “A-alright!”

Immediately, Volengi knew the stuttering slug wasn’t serious. Leland’s posture shrivelled and he could barely stare at the goal. After what felt like half an hour, he finally ran, swung at the ball, and missed completely. The powerful kick combined with a complete lack of balance caused Leland to backflip once in the air before landing on his neck.

“Ow!” The slug groaned, curled up into a ball.

“Little Lee are you—” Staress doubled over, eyes bulged, lips tightly pressed together. The mutant human was much less discrete, bursting into laughter and pointing with one arm.

Volengi facepalmed as Leland got back to his feet. What was I thinking? I should have known these fools would act this way.

“Your existence is pitiful!” Volengi barked.

Leland threw up a dismissive hand. “A-aren’t you the disgrace who can’t kill a slug planet?” Once again, he took a few steps back and dashed forward, kicking the ball. It flew to the bottom corner of the net but Volengi dived, catching the ball with one hand.

Leland sighed and they switched places, both teleporting at the same time.

Volengi took five steps back and stared at his prey, the one who had humiliated him in front of the universe, the one who doubted his brilliance.

Finally….

A density equal to a blackhole raged inside the Solarian King, and purple flames enveloped his body. Every body cell destroyed and regenerated itself simultaneously, replicating the two halves of the universe— yin and yang, life and death.

*CRACK!*

Volengi dashed forwards and with his right leg, he booted the football with such force that it sounded like the burst of a shotgun. Die, die, die!

Leland ducked and the ball blasted the entire net away, its momentum seemingly endless as it soared into the blue skies. Out of curiosity, Volengi tracked its progress with his super vision. The ball not only soared out of the ghost planet’s atmosphere, but reached far enough to be incinerated by the sun.

Leland shrunk into a small ball, knees tucked in. His eyes widened with shock.

Volengi shook his head. “You’re supposed to stop the ball from entering the net, not run away from it.”

“W-what the fuck was that?” Leland whispered.

Volengi raised an eyebrow. “What was what?”

“M-my life flashed before my e-eyes and you’re talking about saving? There’s no w-way anyone could have saved that! What’s that b-ball even made of? That’s i-it! We quit!”

“You can’t quit. You’ve already lost the sudden death.”

“N-no. I quit as soon as you k-kicked the ball. W-we’ve still done enough to qualify for the top sixteen so we don’t n-need to participate. See y-y-you in the finals, disgraced king!”

Before Volengi could blast the stuttering slug’s head off with an energy blast, it teleported away.

“Please forgive him, Your Majesty,” Staress said. She gave a sheepish smile before entering a portal, Cadell close behind.

“It’s perfectly fine,” Volengi said to himself. “I won. No problem here. I won.”

Alone on the football pitch, he fought the urge to decimate the nearest planet not under Solarian control and threw his head back, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“See you in the finals, disgraced king.”

Yes. As expected, he had won… but why did he feel the opposite?