“Hi there!” Staress said cheerfully to the waiter. “For starters, I'll have an order of vegetable spring rolls and shrimp dumplings. For the main course, I'd like General Tso's chicken with steamed white rice, egg roll and a side of sautéed mixed vegetables. Can you make the General Tso's chicken spicy, but not too spicy? Also, can you make sure it's extra crispy? Lee, do you want anything?”
Leland shook his head. Vivid memories of getting beaten the crap out of made him lose his appetite quite fast, especially since the little food already in his stomach was threatening to escape explosively.
“Now, now,” Staress said. “Let’s get to business. You said you wanted to talk. We’re here.”
There was a long pause. Volengi stared intently at the ceiling as if there was a majestic painting on it. “Execute me. I don’t care which one of you does it.”
Leland reeled back in his chair. It was the last thing he expected to hear.
Cadell gave a suspicious frown. “Why? Continue living your life. It’s not that deep.”
“There’s no greater humiliation than to lose a duel against a slug planet inhabitant. I am the laughing stock of the universe. You humans praise traits such as compassion and sympathy, don’t you? Embody those traits and end my life. If I can't prove I'm the strongest, if I can't honor my father's life along with my species' legacy properly, then there's no point in living. ”
“Okay, maybe it is that deep,” Cadell said.
“Mhm,” Staress agreed, already tucked into her starter meal. “I would kill you myself, Volengi, but I don’t have the physical capabilities to do so at the moment. Cadell doesn’t want to—oh my lord, this is delicious—and I’m going to assume Lee doesn’t want to. Am I right?”
Everyone stared at Leland, who nodded too many times and gave a thumbs up.
“In that case, how about Cadell sends you to an alternate reality where you’ve already suffered a painful death and never tried to destroy us in the first place.”
Leland looked at Cadell with awe. He can send people to alternate realities?
“That solves nothing,” Volengi said. “Facts remain the facts. It doesn’t change what’s happened. It doesn’t change what I failed to do.”
Staress stabbed a shrimp dumpling with a fork and groaned. “Cadell, this is a good opportunity. Pretty please with sprinkles on top, could you just kill—”
“No.”
“How about you leave us alone?” Leland said, half surprised he had broken out of the anxiety bubble. “Whether you want to die or not is none of our concern. “Boo-hoo, you lost. You’re not as great as you thought. That’s life.”
“You have no idea who you’re talking to, human.”
“I know I’m talking to a loser,” Leland said.
Staress choked on her food. Cadell raised both eyebrows.
“I don’t care how powerful you think you are. You lost and we won. Think of this in a positive light. There's no better reality check than having your ego realigned to cold hard facts.”
Volengi stared at Leland with an intensity, as if he was staring into his soul. “I have visited hundreds of planets and battled thousands of different species. Not once have I lost in a real battle. Inflated ego or not, I simply speak the truth.”
“You speak delusion,” Leland said quickly as a vein bulged from his neck. “There’s always someone better than you.”
“No,” Volengi said bluntly. “For every skill, there is someone who rises above them all. I am the closest to perfection and before you three ruined my coronation, everyone with half a brain believed it.”
“Technically,” Staress began. “The real culprit behind that was—”
“It seems we can’t fulfil your wishes,” Cadell said loudly, yawning. “Are we done here?”
“I only ask one last thing of you,” Volengi said. “Humanity’s strongest, what is your full name? I must know.”
Unexpectedly, Leland’s vision doubled, and the invisible, brick wall resurfaced.
Fuck!
“Le-le… le-le-le…”
No, no, not now!
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“Le-le-le… le-le… le-le-le… le-le… Le-leland Ogunjimi.”
Volengi cackled. Leland’s face immediately heated. Tears threatened to spill.
“In all my centuries, I have never come across someone who possesses an omni-level ability, yet lacks the ability to speak properly. No, tell me, aren’t you embarrassed? Don’t you hate every second of your existence? You’re clinging onto that power to mask the stink of your incompetence. How pathetic!”
Suddenly, Volengi’s hysterics, vigour and confidence disappeared. His eyes widened while a stabbing realisation seemed to pierce him. “I lost to a stuttering slug species,” he whispered. “I can’t believe it. You can barely speak and I can’t… I can’t believe it…”
The Solarian King levitated out of his seat and slowly flew out of the restaurant.
“Will he come back?” Cadell asked.
“No clue,” Staress replied. “But he seemed pretty existential. I know a rethinking-my-whole-life-look when I see one.”
----------------------------------------
Completely wasted, Volengi rethought his whole life.
And whole really meant whole.
Thanks to his flawless memory, he replayed every minute of his life since birth, and each playback brought him to the same resounding conclusion: Earth had ruined everything. It felt like a century ago when he was floating in space, indulging in success and glory and truth.
“Another!” Volengi blurted, slamming the glass of Solarian wine so hard on the counter it shattered into pieces. A long green tentacle quickly placed another full cup in his hands, and Volengi immediately consumed it, eyes rolling back.
Perfect. That’s it. Dull the senses. I don’t want to hear anything.
He sat on a velvety seat in Rootar, an immensely popular chain pub spanning numerous planets conquered by the Solarian's. Conversations filled the air, intermingling with a symphony of alien languages, laughter, and occasional bursts of clicks, clinks and crackles.
Volengi would have preferred to be alone, but a Solarian could not get drunk easily, not with their high resistance to toxins. It was only after the one hundred and twentieth shot that the Solarian King began losing super vision and super hearing.
Slam!
“Another!”
Slam!
“Another!”
Slam!
“Another!”
Volengi cackled, repeatedly raising and lowering both shoulders for no reason whatsoever. “Ha! They CAN’T trash your name if you can’t hear them! Too easy!”
He kept going. 200 shots. 500 shots. 1000 shots. Whole organ systems shut down temporarily as his body focused to fight the absurdly high concentrations of alcohol.
Thunk.
Volengi face planted against the counter. Unlike most organisms, Solarians didn’t fall unconscious. He had always viewed sleep as a weakness, but now he envied those who could just switch off from the world and come back refreshed.
“Think about the data!” a distorted Solarian’s voice chirped nearby. “Nelnar’s agility and precision in capturing the Flargot orbs are unmatched. He's the best player in the entire Quasar League!”
“You fool!” another Solarian yelled back. “Dumber than a slug! What are we doing right now? This isn’t even up for debate! Vortox has won the most Universe Championships. Time and time again, that monster carries the shittiest of teams and demolishes the favourites every season. Nelnar is an excellent player, don’t get me wrong, but he’s never won a tournament where the best of the best go toe to toe. Until he’s done that at least once, I’ll consider not disrespecting the idea of the conversation.”
Time passed. Maybe seconds, maybe minutes.
“I’ve got it!” Volengi screamed, jumping to his feet. “Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!”
Solarian heads turned to look at him.
“Can we be of service, King Volengi?”
“Let’s invade the slug planet and enslave them already.”
“Your Majesty, you seem to be shit-faced!”
Everyone laughed as Volengi staggered backwards, stretching both arms horizontally to maintain balance. “Listen up, subjects. Before my old man died, he said words that will always stick with me! Let me see if I can do this properly. Let me see, let me see, let me see….”
Volengi perfectly impersonated his father’s voice. “You are ready, my son. I have no advice. Only a reminder: Continue our ways and follow our ancestor’s instincts.”
A few Solarians chuckled.
“Now tell me, my subjects… what is our instinct? What do we treasure more than anything else! More than land, more than power, even more than the beauties in the Zlabon district?”
“War!” the Solarian’s cried simultaneously.
“That’s right. War. Bloodshed. Fighting for the sake of fighting and proving—” Volengi froze, eyes bulged. He swallowed down a heap of acidic vomit and cleared his throat. “Never mind the great speech. Get me on the live broadcast! I have an announcement.”
One of Volengi’s many personal guards teleported in front of him, holding a spinning spherical device. “Yes, Your Majesty. National or universal?”
“Universal,” Volengi said, and the pub erupted with gasps of excitement. A dim purple light flashed from the device and the Solarian King spoke calmly, masking any sign of extreme intoxication.
“Greetings. I hereby declare The Slug Games, a mandatory tournament for all Slug Planets in the universe. Three organisms from each planet will compete in a series of challenges until only one remains. The losing slug planets will face destruction, while the winner will receive the reward of survival. Now, I know what you might be thinking. Why make such an announcement when Slug Planets are too dumb to receive the signal? Great question. Any non-slug planet can participate in the tournament without facing penalties for losing, and will have the chance to win complete control over the Solarian Empire.”
Across the universe, aliens' jaws dropped–Volengi was certain of it. His plan was a simple one: Win the tournament, prove his strength as the strongest in the universe, and warrant a Solarian invasion of Earth as a reward for himself.
“You heard correctly. This is not a joke. Of course, I will be participating in the tournament and–”
Suddenly, the voice of Leland Ogunjimi, the stuttering slug, resurfaced in his mind. There’s always someone better than you. You’re not as great as you thought.
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” Volengi roared, raising a clenched fist. “Achieving your wildest dreams. Obtaining freedom. It’s all possible. If you believe you’re the strongest… show me.”